De Seken
by shokoshik
Summary: They met under unexpected circumstances when they were six years old, they saw each other through everything, and they were never apart since. Almost everything, almost never apart. I own nothing.
1. De Seken Prologue

**A/N:** Hey guys. For a the last couple of years, _De Seken_ was sold on Kindle Worlds. But now when the program is shut down, I re-uploaded it to here. Please keep in mind that earnings from my Amazon sales went towards producing a film that I'm still trying to produce. If you enjoy the work and feel generous, or simply want more details, please feel free to check my website, which appears on my profile. Thanks!

This story was originally published on fanfiction net and AO3 between March and December 2016. While re-formatting it for Amazon Kindle Words, its text has also been reedited to offer a smoother, cleaner reading experience. No major plot lines or dialogue were changed.

Some translation will appear in footnotes when need be. All thoughts are in _italics_ and all spoken **_Trigedasleng_** will appear in **_bold and italics_** throughout the entire story. Most importantly, some notes will include spoilers for things that happen later on in the story or in canon. When that's the case, the note will indicate so with a spoiler warning. Some other times it will just point out when something is meant to be a Hamilton reference. :)

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my dear friend, Trish, who betad a major part of volume 1 before she realized I'm insane and too time consuming.

I also like to thank Lesly-Oh for the beautiful cover and her ongoing fanart on social media which makes many people very happy.

The reasoning behind writing this story in the first place appears in on a post on my Tumblr (shokoshik. Check the "De Seken" tag) which contains a few spoilers but definitely explains the vision overall.

As for the story itself – it is extremely canon inspired, meant to give you the feeling that these events could have happened on the show. But of course, only to a point. Especially when it comes to volume 2, which, as we'll learned as season 4 unfolded, is completely its own thing, an alternate season 4 if you will. One big thing to mention – the majority of volume 1 was written before we learned about Luna and so she doesn't exist here, though there's a bonus chapter included in volume 2 to allow for a scenario in which she does exist. More explanations about the subject will be in the notes when it's time.

Another big thing is the way Lexa speaks. She's way more lighthearted in this story, silly at times, even, and while it's far from what we see in canon, we see a separation of how she behaves when she's the Commander vs. when she's with loved ones, and especially with Costia. We also see how she gets more and more rough and distant as unfortunate events unfold. I'd like to think she was all those things before we met her after she went through many tragedies, and I'd like to think she would've regained those qualities if we didn't lose her.

I hope you enjoy this imagined exploration of what could've been Costia and Lexa's (and also Clark's to some extent) past and future.

 **De Seken**

 **Volume 1**

 **Prologue**

She was sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree, crying. It seemed to her like she was doing a lot of that lately. But this time it was different. She had never, in her life, been here before. Her mother wasn't around to sooth her and soon enough, she realized, her mother won't be around at all.

She was so overcome with emotions and fear she didn't even take the time to appreciate all that was around her, the things she always saw on screens, read about in books. She always dreamed about getting out into the world, especially after everything her mother told her in secret, but being a six-year-old, alone in a secluded forest, feeling somewhat deserted and confused, she simply couldn't focus on all the beauty that surrounded her.

"They will kill me," she cried to her mother before her mother left.

"Why do you say that?" her mother asked in worry, thinking she taught her daughter better than that.

"They are bad people," the daughter recited.

"Not all of them, no," her mom explained again with a sigh, "just like not all of us are good people."

Her child seemed so small and hurt, it broke her heart to leave her pride and joy behind, but her daughter had to get used to it. They were running out of time and this was the only choice they had.

"You are a child who's done no wrong to anyone," she tried again. "They will not hurt you. This is not their way."

"Why do you have to go?" her daughter demanded.

"Because if I take much longer I'll be late for work, and then someone will look for me, and then we're in trouble," the mother reminded.

"Wouldn't you be in trouble anyway once they find out I'm gone?" the child inquired worriedly.

"I might be, but it's not going to matter."

She nodded at her mom in understanding.

"Remember what I told you on how to get back in, but only if you need to, and not for a while, okay?" her mother warned once more.

"Okay," she agreed.

"And also remember…"

"I know. I won't let anyone see. Not even father," the girl repeated what she was told numerous times before. She wasn't sure exactly why she was asked to do this, but her mother told her to, so she was going to comply.

"I have to go. I love you, Baby."

"I love you too, Mama."

The parent laid a lingering kiss on the child's forehead, both knowing this might be the last time they ever saw each other.

"Your father will be here soon enough. He promised. And you're going to love him," the mother tried to soothe.

"Okay," the child agreed. There was nothing more to say. She was just hoping that her mother was right.

But then she saw her mom leave her for the last time and two hours passed with no interruptions from either friend or foe. She was afraid and felt weird in the clothes her mother made her wear so she could blend in.

At first she tried to imagine what her father was like. She'd seen pictures before. He seemed tall, strong, and very handsome. And she heard stories, but she never met him and all she could think about was what if he didn't want her.

And then she started crying which is how she was spotted, two hours later, by another six-year-old who was quietly and curiously observing her from a top of a tree.

Said observer jumped and landed right in front of the crying girl, making her gasp.

" ** _Don't be afraid,_** " the tree hopper spoke kindly, with a sad smile. When the other girl didn't seem to understand, she repeated her words again in English which seemed to have done the trick. "Why are you crying?" she added in concern, plopping herself down next to the stranger girl, happy that the other girl seemed to have overcome her momentary fear and didn't back away now that they were seated together.

"I... my mother left me here and my father hasn't picked me up yet" she disclosed, wiping her tears with her sleeves.

"Why did she leave you here?" the other girl asked in concern.

"She's sick. She's about to die," the admittance made the other kid cry again, face in her hands. Then, she felt a soft hand on her arm.

"I'm sorry. My parents died too," the tree hopper admitted sadly with understanding of the other girl's pain.

But the other girl didn't know what to say, so she nodded in empathy, appreciating the comfort of the physical contact, knowing from the look in her current company's eyes that she was in no danger.

"Why are **you** here?" she finally asked, which seemed to have irritated her little, new friend.

"My mentor wants me to sit with her and learn about the strategy of war. It's so boring! I'd much rather come out here and practice my fighting skills," she announced in a very serious tone that made her partner giggle. It wasn't very long lasting.

"But who are you fighting? There's no one here except for me," she observed, looking around just in case she was missing something.

"I'm practicing to kill mountain people!" the other girl declared with enthusiasm easily enough. But then she saw the blood run out of her sitting neighbor's face and asked "what's wrong?"

"I… I'm from the mountain," the other girl admitted quietly.

"You are?" The shock was evident on the young warrior's face and she only got a tentative nod in response.

"Well… I don't want to kill **you** ," she added quickly, seeing the features on the face right in front of her soften in relief. "But… why are you here, then?"

"My father lives in a nearby village. He's not from the mountain."

"So… your mother is from the mountain but your father… is **_trikru_**?" the tree hopper asked in puzzlement. "I've never heard about anything like that before," she added, impressed.

For a second, the other girl was filled with pride, understanding that maybe there was something special about her. She heard the term **_trikru_** from her mother before so she knew what it meant, but she never knew her special upbringing would be a source of awe to others. But her moment of pride passed quickly when she was reminded of her current predicament.

Her partner understood what happened immediately and was quick to say "I'll take you to your father. Tell me, what village is he from?"

"My mom said he was from a place called Ton DC?" She was relieved, her new friend was proving to be helpful on top of already being kind and reassuring.

"I'm from Ton DC, too! What's your father's name?"

"Umm... his name is Nardo," the girl replied cautiously.

"Your… your father is Nardo?" The warrior's mouth was agape and she shook her head in disbelief. Her partner was full of surprises, and moreover, said partner didn't seem to realize the magnitude of these surprises.

"Yes. Is he nice?" the other girl asked innocently.

The question made the young warrior bark in laughter. He **was** nice. But he was so much more than simply nice.

"He is the fiercest warrior in all the eight clans!" she announced. "You must be a great warrior too!"

"I don't know. I have never been in a fight," came the shy admission.

"You have never… okay, I will have to teach you," she declared and stood up. "But first, let's go home." She offered her hand which was happily taken.

The other girl was surprised by the softness of her new friend's hand, considering it belonged to a warrior, to a girl that seemed wild and rough around the edges, but also had the kindest look in her eyes, her very striking eyes.

"Oh, I forgot," the young warrior said sheepishly, cutting her partner's trail of thought. "What's your name?"

"Oh, I'm… I'm Costia. Costia Romanoff," she replied officially, like her grandma told her she should do when she was asked for her name. Her grandma was gone now too. They all were.

"Romanoff? What's that?" her new friend asked in confusion.

"It's Russian," Costia explained.

"Russian?"

"Yeah. My ancestors are from Russia," she recited what she was told.

"What's a Russia?" Was the confused response of her friend.

"It's a country, over the sea," Costia replied and then realized something. "Over **two** seas." She got a puzzled look in return, it was clear more questions were to come.

"If I teach you to fight, will you tell me about things like that? Countries over the sea?" The warrior proposed excitedly.

"Of course. Even if you don't teach me to fight. We are friends, right?" Costia offered in hope. She may have felt like she was all alone, but then she met someone, someone who made her feel safe.

"Of course! You are my **best** friend now! Let's go!" and Costia was dragged along, her hand still in the unnamed girl's hand.

"Wait!" Costia stopped her. "What's **your** name?"

"Oh, oops. I'm **_Aleksandra kom trikru_** ," her friend announced with pride, making Costia giggle. They may have been born in completely different places, but clearly what the adults in their lives taught them about manners wasn't all that different.

They smiled at each other for a few moments, thinking the exact same thought, before they resumed their journey to Ton DC, and Costia finally got to look around and absorb the wonders of the outside world. It was all beautiful.


	2. De Seken Chapter 1

**Chaper 1**

 ** _"Again,"_** the voice demanded.

Costia was lying flat on her back, for the umpteenth time in this particular training session.

"Alex…" she pleaded, but her best friend would have none of it.

" ** _You are not really trying. You don't really want to win_** ," Lexa deflected her friend's plea in frustration.

"Why **would** I want to win? I don't want to hurt you," Costia shrugged.

" ** _You couldn't even if you wanted to_** ," Lexa announced, making Costia roll her eyes.

Lexa sighed. "Look," she started genuinely, switching to the language she knew Costia preferred, "I just want you to be able to take care of yourself. In case I'm not around."

"Are you planning on going somewhere?" Costia teased.

"No," Lexa huffed. "Not right now, but you know one day I'll have to go to Polis." They looked at each other in sad understanding.

"Not anytime soon, though," Costia reminded with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Lexa didn't use to care about her move to the capital. Not as much. She didn't have a lot left in Ton DC except for a bunch of friends, Anya, and Indra, who was assigned to her the day she was discovered as a **_Natblida_** , and who was going to escort her wherever she went from that first day, until she either died at her conclave or ascended.

She couldn't wait until she reached the age of nine and would officially move to Polis to continue her training there with the rest of the discovered **_Natblida_** who were of age. She was proud of her blood, it made her feel like she was special, chosen for something. The idea that maybe one day she'd become the Commander, have some control over her life, her life that always seemed out of control, a life where her parents were taken from her, was very appealing. She wasn't afraid to die. She didn't have much to lose. And besides, death wasn't the end.

But that was up until six months ago.

Six months. That's how long it's been since she met Costia. Her first, real best friend, someone who somehow knew what she was going to say before she said it, someone who made her feel chosen and special even without her Nightblood. Because Costia was **actually** special. She belonged to two worlds. She was different than anyone else Lexa had ever met and of all people, she wanted to be Lexa's friend. She **liked** being Lexa's friend and she wanted to share that other world of hers with Lexa.

And though that meeting six months prior changed Lexa's life completely, made her feel like she had something to lose now, one thing didn't change – Costia had no desire or passion towards fighting.

Lexa finally found a friend who understood her loneliness, who was just as curious as she was. They shared everything and loved many similar things, but this was something that Lexa felt like she wanted to share with Costia and couldn't. The excitement that comes with the sound of swords clashing, the wind one feels on one's face when one leaps to avoid the counterpart. It was excitement, and it wasn't about war, it was about sports.

"I'm just saying, your father would be disappointed," Lexa announced nonchalantly.

"My father has been teaching me a few moves himself," Costia replied with a devilish grin, receiving a dumbfounded stare in return.

Every now and then, Costia did something which caught Lexa completely off guard. She loved being surprised like that, being thrown off, because with Costia it was always, **always** safe, which made it exciting rather than scary.

She found Costia crying in the forest months ago, so she didn't realize at first, but Costia had a little demon in her, just as Lexa did.

"I'm so jealous," Lexa admitted finally.

"You should be," Costia shrugged and turned around. "Maybe **I** should be showing **you** how to fight," she added over her shoulder, winning a wide smile in return.

"Maybe later," Lexa offered. She would be thrilled to see some of Nardo's moves. He was a legend, but she suspected her best friend may have been embellishing the truth just a bit, and also, they had an arrangement. Lexa taught Costia to fight, and Costia told her… everything. It wasn't really an arrangement, Costia would do it anyway, but Lexa liked to think she gave Costia something in return.

"You wanna talk about mountain stuff, don't you?" Costia inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"I do."

"Okay, well, how much time do we have before Anya expects you?"

The only reply Costia received was her friend's head, hanging down in shame.

"Oh, Alex! Not again!" she berated. "Every time you do that she blames me!"

"She does not!" Lexa protested.

"She does too!" Costia stood determined, arms crossed over her chest.

"She really doesn't, Cos, I promise," Lexa offered quietly, taking her friend's hand and squeezing it. She knew what was the root of her best friend's fear. Costia arrived with her to Ton DC months ago, looking small and scared, not knowing the language or the culture.

She had clung to Lexa's hand as Lexa led them both to her father's cabin. He ran in a few minutes later, confused but relieved, explaining that he was on the way to fetch her when he found a man stuck under a cart, begging for his help. He was near tears. Lexa never imagined she'd see the mighty warrior so vulnerable and she couldn't help but feel a little bit of jealousy. Costia had a parent who cared about her so much, who was terrified of losing her, and he had never even met her before that day, that moment. But when he was full of gratitude that Lexa found Costia and brought her home to him, and when he invited Lexa to visit as often as she wanted, all jealousy vanished.

A few weeks later, Costia caught Lexa looking at her and her father during dinner, a sad expression on Lexa's face. She leaned in and whispered in her friend's ear "we can share him." Lexa knew this was huge for Costia, because she didn't have many people in her corner. She may have been a six-years-old girl, she may have been the daughter of the mightiest warrior in all the eight clans, but to most of the suspicious people of Ton DC, she was still a mountain girl.

They thought she didn't belong there, they threw cautious glances her way as she passed by, some even believed her presence would bring bad luck to the village, and Costia noticed. She pretended that she didn't, but she did. She was the odd one out. But not to Lexa. To Lexa, Costia opened a door to a brand new world. She was her best friend.

If Costia could share her father with Lexa, then Lexa could share her people with Costia, too. And so, slowly but surely, she did. She started with her mentor, Anya, who always gave them a mean look when they returned from their adventures, but when she dismissed them, Lexa could always see a ghost of a smile on her face. As if Anya thought it was great Lexa had such a close friend. Someone who reminded her that she's still a kid.

"We should just go there once," Costia thought out loud, pulling Lexa out of her reverie and back to the present.

"Go? Go where?" she asked in confusion.

"To the mountain," Costia suggested cautiously. "My mom told me how to get back in… if I ever needed to."

"Me? In the mountain? No," Lexa dismissed.

"But, Alex!" Costia whined, "just think about it! We can bring back books with us! There's an entire room just with art and movies, which are like… never mind, I'll explain later. But they will never catch us! I can show you a map of the whole world! You won't have to imagine it anymore!" She started to get excited.

"Cos, I'm a **_trikru_** , they're the enemy!" Lexa reminded her.

"There are good people there, too, just like there are bad people out here," Costia sounded dejected, defeated.

Lexa noticed the change in her friend immediately.

"What is it?" she asked in concern, searching her friend's eyes.

"I don't know if my mom is still alive," Costia confessed quietly.

Lexa felt terrible. Of course that's what it was really about. Costia tried to explain to Lexa about her mother's sickness. She said it was called cancer but she didn't explain much more except that it could take someone months and years to die. Not in Costia's mom's case, though. The reason Costia was left in her father's care in the first place was because her mom knew she was nearing the end.

But Lexa understood now. The doubt was worse than dealing with the loss and it was eating at her friend.

"Then we go to the mountain one day and find out," Lexa stated with conviction. She was scared, but she wouldn't let Costia go back to the mountain on her own, and she knew there was no stopping Costia. Lexa was a **_Natblida_** , she could grow up to be the Commander one day. She wasn't going to let her fear stop her from doing the right thing.

"We will? Really?" Costia cut into Lexa's thoughts with the excitement in her voice.

"Of course, Costia. You have to go back. You have to know about your mom," Lexa decided.

"Thank you!" Costia squealed and threw her arms around her friend's body, wrapping Lexa in a tight hug and not letting go. Lexa didn't want her to let go. When Costia hugged her she felt better, she felt stronger.

"When do we go?" Costia asked, still not letting go.

Lexa finally broke their hug, but kept holding both of Costia's hands in hers.

" ** _Whenever you want,"_** she answered in a promise. Whenever their conversation got serious, Lexa seemed to revert back to her other native tongue without even realizing it. "Not today, because… Anya, but whenever you want," she finished in English.

"You are the best friend in the whole world!" Costia announced. " ** _Inside the mountain or outside the mountain!"_**

Lexa blushed a little. She wasn't used to these kinds of compliments, but when she received them, it was usually from Costia. And when her friend tried her luck in **_Trigedasleng_** just for Lexa's sake, that meant even more.

"I'm your only friend," Lexa tried to brush off the compliment.

"Don't let Lincoln hear you say that!" Costia snorted. He was the second kid she met in Ton DC and he, too, thought it was really cool that she was from the mountain, just like Lexa predicted. And when Lincoln heard who her father was, Costia found herself in his company more and more often.

"He's a boy," Lexa explained. "Boys don't count."

"No," Costia agreed, "no, they don't."

* * *

Notes:

1\. When I first wrote the "death wasn't the end" line I had to stop and ask myself, "wait, isn't this only relevant to the Commander now that we know about the Flame? Isn't that why Lexa is the one to always say that?" but then you recall that in the "future" when she says it to Clarke on the show, she includes Clarke in that, too, which led me to believe it is a general belief among the clans' people as part of their culture and it includes everybody.

2\. I know for many of you the first thing that comes to mind when you see "Cos" is Orphan Black's Cosima. This one here is short for Costia, of course, and is pronounced as "Chas."


	3. De Seken Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 _One Year Later…_

"Alex! Slow down!" Costia breathlessly called after her best friend who seemed on edge all morning. Lexa was clearly hiding something.

 ** _"No! You speed up!"_** Lexa replied, making Costia roll her eyes.

Two could play this stubbornness game.

"Alexandra, you come back here right now!" That made her friend stop in her tracks.

"What did you call me?" Lexa asked with narrow eyes, stepping slowly toward her friend.

"Your name," Costia challenged.

"You can't call me that," Lexa declared.

"Why not? That's how you introduced yourself when I met you," Costia shrugged innocently. She knew her friend couldn't stand her full name nowadays. She knew Lexa viewed it as a little girl's name, not the name of a warrior, which was silly. Costia thought it was a fine name for a leader.

"I'm older now," Lexa reminded her.

"Not by much," Costia countered. "Stop being in such a rush to grow up."

"I'm not," Lexa huffed and turned to start walking again.

"Stop being in such a rush to leave," Costia added sadly.

Lexa bowed her head. How could she ever explain to Costia that she never wanted to leave anymore? She used to want to leave all the time and now, she never wanted to leave. But she knew she'd have to one day, and she tried to wrap her head around that idea, train her heart accordingly.

"Today isn't about me," she finally said. "It's about you."

"What do you mean?" Costia asked in confusion.

"You were so busy trying to keep up you didn't even notice where we were headed," Lexa smirked smugly.

Costia looked around as the terrifying realization hit her.

Lexa moved a tree branch to uncover the path to their destination.

"Alex, don't!" Costia tried, but the surprising outburst caused Lexa to release the branch she was holding straight into Costia face.

The branch made a sound when it came in contact with Costia's face. A very bad, slapping sound. And before Lexa understood what was happening Costia was squealing in pain, dashing further away, her back facing Lexa.

"Cos, are you okay?" Lexa asked in horror, rushing toward her friend who seemed to be running away **from** her.

" ** _Kostia_** ** _, stop, I'm so sorry!_** Let me look how bad it is, please!" Lexa pleaded with her friend. She felt extremely guilty. To begin with, her plan for the day was a bit controversial but now she smashed a massive branch straight into her best friend's face.

"No! Stay away!" Costia mumbled. Her words may have been somewhat unclear, but they were still determined and very aggressive.

Lexa flinched. By the way Costia sounded Lexa could only assume there was blood in her friend's mouth but she couldn't actually see anything, Costia's back was blocking the sight.

"I'm fine, I just need a minute and some **space** ," Costia demanded.

"Cos, this is silly, let me see," Lexa tried again, attempting to sound more authoritative, like Indra taught her. But that tone never worked on Costia who would always scoff and end up doing whatever it was that she wanted to do. Which is exactly what she was doing right now.

"I said no, Lexa," Costia announced with finality.

Lexa narrowed her eyes at her. Not that Costia could see, but Costia never called her Lexa. Everybody else did. It was Costia's "you are annoying me right now, stop it immediately" name for her. Except that Lexa didn't understand what she did wrong. And like always, her best friend, without even seeing her face, knew what Lexa was feeling.

" ** _I'm sorry,"_** Costia offered quietly, wiping her invisible face with some leaves. "I know you are just trying to help. Sometimes I just need to do certain things on my own."

"But this is my fault, let me fix this," Lexa tried once more, softly this time.

"No, Alex, it's fine, really, it's not even bleeding anymore," Costia soothed as she ripped a piece of her undershirt and put it to her lip, discarding the used leaves and **finally** turning to look at Lexa. She took a few steps toward her worried friend.

"See? All better." She smiled weakly, except she was certainly too pale for Lexa's liking.

But as a matter of fact Lexa didn't see much at all. Whatever the damage was, it was covered by the makeshift cloth, though Lexa could see bruising starting to appear on Costia forehead. It made her feel even guiltier.

"Here, sit down," Lexa offered, helping Costia to the ground to lean against a tree. She took a waterskin out of her satchel and handed it to Costia. "Drink," she ordered and for a change her friend listened. Lexa took a bag of grapefruit out and handed it to Costia as well. "Eat," she ordered again.

"Yes, Commander," Costia mocked, making Lexa huff in response. But there was no bite in the comment, there was, however, a world of gratitude in Costia's eyes.

 ** _"I'm so sorry,"_** Lexa insisted once more.

"Don't be. It's not your fault. Rule number one of forest scouting – when the person in front of you holds a branch, duck," Costia reminded, now smiling teasingly, genuinely. At least the non-covered part of her face was.

"Anya will be pleased to know that you pay so much attention," Lexa teased right back. "Classes are so much better when you're there, too," she added quietly with an intimate undertone.

"You don't need to do any of this alone," Costia reminded her, taking Lexa's hand in hers.

"Some of it I do," Lexa replied sadly, averting her gaze from Costia's who chose to not push further.

"Why are we here, Lex?" she asked instead.

"It's time, Cos." Was all Lexa offered, but at least she was looking at Costia again.

"Shouldn't **I** decide when it's time?" It wasn't expressed in a harsh way. Costia uttered the words like she was actually wondering, like she knew what Lexa knew, that if it was up to her it might never be the right time.

"You wanted to do this a long time ago, Cos. Your mother…"

"Is definitely dead by now," Costia cut her off "I've waited too long," she blurted in shame.

"No, no. You weren't ready." Lexa argued, making sure Costia saw just how much she meant it. "But every day I see just how much you want to go. You miss it."

"Why would I miss it?" Costia brushed off. "Father adores me, I have you, I have Linc and Nyk. There's Anya, there's Indra, people finally like me." Lexa knew it to be true. She herself wasn't as close with the rest of the village's kids since she was discovered as **_Natblida_** , but Costia didn't have a reason for reservations, and people finally accepted her. In a way, Lexa was jealous.

"Yes, they do like you. They always did, I think, even if they were scared of you. But there's a part of you that's missing. There's a part that **you're** missing," Lexa explained, making sure her tone wasn't judgmental, just accepting, which she was. "You're an **_okru_** , you need to go home."

"I'm a what?" Costia asked with a smile rather than puzzlement. She knew her best friend better than Lexa knew herself. And she was listening, really listening to Lexa's words. She knew where her friend was headed with this.

"You're an **_okru_** ," Lexa repeated, extremely serious, still holding Costia's hand and gaze to make sure her friend understood. "You belong to both worlds. You're the only one of your kind. You're special."

Costia didn't know what to say. She knew everything about Lexa, but that was because she could sense what was happening in her friend's head, not because Lexa offered many words. Lexa was a doer rather than a speaker. But right then and there Lexa said everything she was thinking. She let Costia know exactly how she viewed her and it seemed like she wasn't even fazed by it. Like she didn't mind using so many words where Costia was concerned.

Their eyes were locked for a few more seconds before Costia swallowed hard and nodded in acceptance. Leave it to Lexa to make her feel like a one of a kind. She basically said as much to Costia.

"I have so much to show you," Costia finally whispered, earning a megawatt smile from her friend who stood up and offered Costia her hand.

"I want to see where Russia is. I want to see where you are from," Lexa announced in excitement.

" **I'm** from over those branches. My great-great-great grandpa is from Russia," Costia corrected.

"I don't care. Do you really still need to hold this thing to your face?" Lexa inquired, gesturing at the cloth that was still covering Costia's lip.

"Yeah, don't worry, it'll be fine," Costia assured.

"I'm not worried about you, **_Kostia kom okru_**. You have survived worse," Lexa teased.

"Laugh all you want, but in the future when you tell the story of how I got this would-be-scar in the most pathetic way, I'll make sure everyone knows whose fault it was," Costia announced and passed by her shocked friend.

"You wouldn't dare!" Lexa objected as she caught up to her friend.

"I would, too. Watch out," Costia warned as she pushed a branch aside and cleared a way for them to the mountain. "There are wild, dangerous branches in theses woods."

* * *

They were walking through a dark tunnel. Lexa could see Costia's excitement grow with every additional step. She herself wasn't as thrilled.

"Are you sure this is the right way?" she inquired, trying to sound casual and aloof about the whole thing, as expected from a **_Natblida_** , but she should've known her best friend won't be fooled.

"Yes, my mom made me memorize this route and repeat it back to her many times," Costia assured. She took Lexa's hand in hers and without looking at her she said "don't be afraid."

"I'm not!" Lexa scoffed in objection.

Costia stopped so she could create eye contact between them. "Good. Because I will never let anything bad happen to you," she promised.

"I think you are forgetting who's the superior warrior," Lexa reminded smugly.

All of a sudden they could hear distant, familiar grunts and screams.

"What's that?" Costia looked around cautiously, not so confident anymore.

"Reapers," Lexa knew immediately. "It sounds like…"

"They are under the mountain," Costia finished her thought.

"Why would they be here?" Lexa inquired in confusion.

"I don't know, but we better keep moving." Costia was still holding Lexa's hand and she dragged her along as she sped up. "I don't think we want to stick around and find out."

It took them additional twenty minutes, curves and ladders, to finally get into the mountain. Costia had to admire the means her mother went through just to leave the place time and again.

"What now?" Lexa whispered, looking around in suspicion. She never imagined she'd be inside the mountain, the enemy's fort. There were many things she never imagined before Costia came along.

"Now we stay away from the main hallways and we go home," Costia focused her gaze at a spot in the distance. She was determined.

"We're in," Lexa reminded, "you **are** home."

"No, Alex, **home** -home," Costia explained and Lexa could hear the raw bitter-sweetness in her voice.

Lexa was terrified, she didn't know where to look, what to do. Everything seemed so new and intimidating, so foreign. Nothing looked vaguely like it did on the outside.

 _We're so different from them_ , she realized in a way deeper than ever before, wondering how come, if that was the case, that Costia fit with her, with **them** , so well.

 _Okru_ , she reminded herself. _That's how._

Lexa was wondering, and not for the first time, if her friendship would ever be enough for someone like Costia who was more connected to the world as a whole than anyone else Lexa knew.

"Come on," Costia interrupted her thoughts and grabbed her hand again. "Alex," she started, turning around to give Lexa a reassuring look, "you're going to love it. And I love that you are here with me for this," she promised, as if she read Lexa's mind once again.

"Okay, then, Mountain Girl, lead the way," she allowed, knowing that Costia meant it when she said she won't let anything bad happen to her.

Lexa let Costia drag her along while she herself tried to absorb as much of what she saw as she could. She told herself that she should know the enemy better, that if one day she becomes the Commander, no one else would have that kind of literal inside knowledge. _No one but Costia_ , she reminded herself. Who was most certainly **not** the enemy.

But the truth was – Lexa was in awe. Now that she had time to process, everything was new and exciting and it made her think of that first day when she met Costia. After her initial shock, Costia was looking around her at world in the same manner Lexa assumed she was exhibiting now.

Eventually, Costia took an abrupt turn, surprising Lexa who squeaked as a result, annoying herself in the process. **_Leksa kom trikru_** did **not** squeak.

"Shhhh…" Costia warned, holding Lexa from behind, putting a soft hand on her mouth. "We're here," she whispered. "We're home." Once she was sure Lexa understood, she took her hand off of Lexa's mouth. Lexa turned around and saw they were standing outside a metal door.

"What if someone else lives there now?" she voiced her concern.

"When a quarters' owner dies here they have to wait for at least two years before the apartment can be re-assigned. It's like a respectful period or something. And with mom's next of kin being missing…"

"So all of your stuff is still in there," Lexa realized in amazement. Costia had stuff, of course. She came to Ton DC and got her own bed, and clothes, and the toys and wooden swords her father carved for her, for **them** , but this was different. This was Costia's mountain stuff.

"I can't find the key," Costia realized hysterically. "I must have dropped it when the branch hit me," she realized, making a new wave of guilt run through Lexa's body.

Like it wasn't bad enough that she hurt her friend, the friend who was still using one hand to unnecessarily cover her face, now Lexa was also the cause as to why they couldn't move any further.

Costia saw the pained expression on Lexa's face and rolled her eyes. "It's not your fault, Alex, let's just think of another way…"

But before Costia could even finish the sentence Lexa grabbed her sword and to her friend's amazement, used the heavy hilt to break the lock.

"You… you are a genius!" Costia declared excitedly, kissed Lexa on the cheek, opened the door and hurried them both in. She shut the door safely behind them and turned around to see Lexa scanning the apartment in complete shock. It made Costia smile widely.

"It…" Lexa tried to put her thoughts in order. She shook her head and continued. "It smells like you in here," she finally said, causing Costia to giggle.

"I'm going to the bathroom to look at this thing," Costia pointed at her cloth covered face. "You can sit on the sofa and I'll be right back and show you **everything** ," she finished in excitement, and when Lexa nodded to show she understood, Costia left her standing there alone.

Lexa sat down on the sofa. She put her hands to her side and observed the material under her palms. It was soft. Well preserved. Not like much of the furniture you saw in the villages. Polis had the best products, yet the sofa Lexa was currently sitting on was still a few quality levels above that.

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Costia finally exposed her nasty wound. It was deep, but not too big, and it was sure to scar, but it wasn't going to be a huge scar. She washed the remaining blood stains off her face and sighed in relief. The bruises would heal, she knew, and the outcome could've been way more disastrous. She could finally take a breath and actually enjoy the pleasant realization – she was home. Costia smiled at her own figure in the mirror and left the room to find her friend sitting on the sofa as instructed, seeming small and insecure.

"Lex," she said quietly, getting her friend's attention, "you ready to see Russia?"

Lexa's eyes lit up, feeling much better now that Costia was back in the room. It seemed less foreign when Costia was there. She stood up and instead of replying to her friend's question, she stepped all the way towards her and observed her face.

She put her hand gently under Costia's chin and moved Costia's face gently to check the wound from all angles.

"See?" Costia started, "all better."

Lexa sighed in relief, seeming finally content and pleased now that she saw with her own eyes that the damage to her friend's pretty face wasn't terrible.

"Let's see Russia," she finally agreed.

Costia gave her a huge smile and walked toward a book case, grabbing an atlas. "Last time I was here I was too short to reach it on my own," she smiled and sat on the sofa, patting at her side for Lexa to join her. Lexa did so without hesitation.

They got comfortable with Costia's feet on the sofa, snuggling into Lexa's body, as they finally opened up the thick looking book.

The first page included a global map.

"Is that… is that our entire world?" Lexa asked in awe.

"Yes," Costia replied in excitement, loving the fact that Lexa was fascinated enough to forget her concerns. "We are here," Costia pointed, "in North America," her finger hovered over Virginia. "Somewhere around here."

"And Russia?" Lexa rushed.

"Is that all you care about?" Costia teased, earning herself a toothy grin in return. "This is Europe," Costia circled the continent with her fingertip, "and that…" she paused for dramatic effect, "is Russia."

Lexa seemed dumbfounded. "That's one country? It's huge!" she blurted out, making Costia giggle.

"I know! It used to be even bigger. Mom says it used to be an empire," Costia explained when her brain backtracked to her own words. "Mom **said** it was an empire," she corrected sadly and raised her head to look around.

"Hey," Lexa offered softly, grabbing the book from Costia's hand. "How about you show me around, okay? We can take the book back with us. We can take a few books with us. The satchel is pretty big but maybe we can grab one of your old bags?"

Costia looked at her in gratitude. "You always know how to make me feel better," she confessed genuinely.

"So do you," Lexa returned the favor, just as honestly. "Show me everything?"

"Yes."

* * *

They were standing in what Costia called "the study." Her mom used to work as a guard, she explained, but secretly considered herself a scholar.

"And so she wanted a place for her books, and the things she was writing, and all sorts of items that she thought would look good in a room with a wooden desk," Costia joked. "Collected them from who knows where."

"Like this one?" Lexa pointed at a bottled ship.

"Yeah," Costia smiled, "like this one. And," she grabbed a set of binoculars that was placed on a stool, "like that."

Lexa put the bottle back on the shelf where she found it and looked at what Costia was holding. "What is it?"

"They're binoculars, you can see to the distance. Here, give it a try," she handed Lexa the item but kept standing really close, right in front of her. Lexa looked through the eyepieces and jumped, making Costia burst into hearty laughter.

"What was that?" Lexa inquired, terrified.

"That was me, standing too close. Here," Costia moved out of the direct eyesight and stood by Lexa's side. "Let's choose a more distant target. Okay, the end of the hallway," Costia pointed through the door. "Face it," she ordered and Lexa complied by turning to the mentioned direction. "Put it to your eyes, and adjust here," as Lexa put the binoculars back to her eyes, Costia took her other hand and led her fingers to the diopter adjuster. "You can play with it until your vision is sharp."

Lexa did as instructed and when the hallway was finally in focus she gasped and looked at Costia in awe.

"Cos, this is amazing!" she acknowledged in excitement.

"My mom liked it, too. It was passed down from the Russian days, I think," she smiled in amusement earning a smile from her friend in return. "You should keep it," she offered and started to step back to the table.

"What? No." Lexa objected.

"Why not? One day, when you're **_Heda_** , you can watch from the top of that tower in Polis you keep talking about. Look at what all the little people below are doing," Costia teased.

"How can you be so sure I'll be **_Heda_**?" Lexa challenged.

"Because you're amazing," Costia shrugged. "Take it."

"Are you sure? It was in your family for generations," Lexa reminded.

" **You** are my family. And I want you to have something to remember me by when you're up there in Polis," Costia joked, but Lexa could see the sad acceptance beneath the surface.

"Hey," Lexa reached the table, closing the distance between them. "I don't need this to remember you. And I will come back to see you as often as I can," she promised in hopes Costia knew how much she meant to Lexa, how much she was loved, needed.

Costia smiled weakly, letting the subject drop. "You like it, don't you?" she asked, letting her gaze scan the room around them.

"Yeah," Lexa's gaze followed Costia's. "I like all of it. It's…"

"Different?" Costia offered softly.

"Yeah, but it's also you, in a way that I can't explain," Lexa admitted and Costia seemed to have taken it as a compliment. Lexa was glad, it was intended as such. "We should grab some of your mother's old notebooks. You should write, too!" she offered excitedly.

Costia always made up little poems for them, to commemorate their different endeavors. It always rhymed, it always made Lexa laugh. She knew her friend was good with words, with stories. Every time she asked Costia about the mountain and the world, her friend would describe things in such a beautiful way.

"Maybe," Costia replied noncommittally but when she walked toward the door and asked "you coming?" Lexa grabbed a few notebooks and pushed them into the extra bag they grabbed.

"What now?" Lexa asked curiously.

"Let's watch a movie!" Costia decided excitedly.

Lexa heard about these movies. Costia tried to explain to Lexa the concept but it was hard to wrap her head around. If she had denied being curious by the concept she'd be lying, but she knew her best friend was stalling.

"Cos…" she started, cautiously.

"What?" Costia stiffened, she knew what was coming.

"We need to go see your mother's bedroom," Lexa announced in determination, afraid of Costia's reaction nonetheless. When Costia didn't say anything for a while, Lexa was wondering if she pushed too far.

"Thank you," Costia was finally able to speak, but it was almost a whisper.

"What for?" Lexa was puzzled.

"You force me to face the things I should," Costia explained softly. "You don't let me run away. This is the second time today. And I love you for that," she concluded with a shy smile.

"That's what we do, right? We take care of each other?" Lexa reminded.

"Right," Costia agreed, and outstretched her hand to ask for Lexa's, which she was given immediately.

Lexa let Costia lead her quietly to her mother's room. They stopped at the doorway. Costia took a few more steps in, Lexa stayed behind, in respect.

"It's smaller than I remembered," Costia admitted quietly.

"Maybe you're just bigger?" Lexa offered and earned a grateful smile in return.

Costia scanned the room. Eventually, her eyes stopped cold, starring at the bed.

"What is it?" Lexa questioned in concern.

"A letter, on the bed," Costia explained flatly.

Lexa could see her gulp. "You sure you want me here?" she inquired, wondering if this was one of those times when her friend needed space.

"Yes," Costia declared simply, but locked eyes with Lexa to let her know that not only was she welcome there, Costia needed her to be there. Costia took a deep breath and climbed to sit on the bed. "Join me?" she requested and Lexa didn't hesitated before climbing on the bed and sitting herself in front of Costia who took another breath and opened the letter.

""Hey baby,"" Costia started to read. "Eventually, I know you'll come back here and I have to hope it'll be soon enough for this letter to still be here." Costia raised her head, her eyes piercing through Lexa with so much emotion, and Lexa knew what she was trying to convey. _Thank you for making me come here before it was too late._

"Keep going," she encouraged gently.

""I know that you must have many question, and hopefully, at this point also many answers, but mostly, I hope you have forgiven me for leaving you by now." Oh, mom," Costia's voice was shaking. She looked up at Lexa who said nothing but gave her a sympathetic smile. She continued.

""You know about your father and how we met. I was just as curious as you were when I was young, and maybe I was stupid, but I had to see what was out there, and maybe I was lucky, or maybe brave enough to try, but somehow, it didn't kill me. Or maybe it did, maybe the cancer was a result of the radiation but for some reason, something in my DNA, it didn't kill me **fast**. Maybe I was dying since I've met your father, but it was worth it for me, and it will be worth it for you. I know home has its comforts, but it can't compete with rivers, and trees and butterflies, and between your father and I, I think you'll be okay. I think you'll be healthy. I hope you'll be happy, too. He will adore you. He's the sweetest man I ever met and the entire world is terrified of him. I always found that amusing. But he's also different. Different enough to want to know more about the world. Different enough to have loved a Mountain Girl.""

"That's a very good description of your father," Lexa smiled, she loved him, too.

"That's a very good description of **you** ," Costia pointed out, very clearly insinuating to Lexa that she knows her mother would've been very happy she met someone like Lexa.

Lexa blushed lightly and brushed off the compliment by encouraging Costia to go on.

""I know this is your home, or maybe at this point your home, too, and for as long as it's still ours, it's all yours. I know you, my love. You are curious, and stubborn, and you want to know everything about everything. Take whatever you want, read, grow up to your full potential. Find someone smart like you, someone to share all of the riches this place can offer with,"" Costia smiled at Lexa again. She already did. ""But remember, there are riches among your father's people, too. And not everything is as it seems in the mountain. There are bad people here, just like," there are good people there," Costia recited simultaneously as she heard her mother's voice in her head. ""And most importantly don't forget not to…"" But Costia stopped abruptly.

"What? What is it?" Lexa was immediately by her side, concerned. Costia moved the letter away from Lexa's eyesight.

"It's nothing, it's… it's just a bit personal. Is that okay?" Costia asked in concern. The last thing she wanted was to hurt her best friend, the person who had shown loyalty and love time and again.

"Of course it's okay, Cos. You don't have to tell me anything," Lexa assured.

"But I want to tell you everything, I need you to know that," Costia insisted, almost pleadingly.

"I do," Lexa promised.

"I think this is enough for today," Costia swallowed hard.

"You don't want to finish reading it?" Lexa inquired, worry clear on her features.

"I will, I promise. I'll even find you for the rest, just… not now. Not here," Costia explained, her face looking pained.

"Okay," Lexa agreed with no additional arguments. She climbed off the bed and offered Costia her hand.

Costia took it in appreciation. She led them to her mother's dresser, opened the top drawer and took out a shirt. She sniffed it and trembled, handing it to Lexa who put it in the bag immediately, not needing explanations.

They collected a few more of Costia's mother's belongings. They had books, mostly science which Costia insisted on taking, justifying her choices by explaining that she wanted to learn, but also the Atlas, per Lexa's request, and a few more old fairy tales.

 _Is she done with this place?_ Lexa wondered in fear. She knew the initially exciting visit took a turn for the hurt for her friend, but she was also sure that as hurt as her friend was, Costia's mountain story wasn't over. Not yet. As Costia led them slowly the way they came, toward the exit, Lexa thanked their luck for not getting caught.

 _This can't be the last time,_ Lexa thought, _we'll be back here. I'll make sure of it._

* * *

Notes:

1\. **_Kostia_** \- A good opportunity to remind that **_Trigedasleng_** spelling turns "C"s into "K"s.

2\. **_Okru_** \- After some research I saw that the "o" is being added to words in **_Trigedasleng_** to mark the word "all." For example, **_Ogud_** is "all good." **_Odon_** , as we know, is "all done." **_Okru_** stands for "all-kru," all people. Lexa acknowledged that Costia belongs everywhere because she's both a mountain girl and what we refer to as a Grounder. So she's "Costia of all the people". Just like **_Klark kom skaikru_** is "Clarke of the sky people" and **_Leksa kom trikru_** is "Lexa of the tree people". The online Trigedasleng dictionary was huge help here.

3\. The spyglass - Logically, the grounders probably had some sort of spyglasses, but based on everything we saw it's safe to assume Lexa haven't seen anything like the binoculars before.


	4. De Seken Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 _Six Months Later…_

Lexa was comfortable, snuggled, like most nights, next to her best friend. It had been months since they'd told each other how restlessly they'd been sleeping every night. Lexa was dreaming about her parents, and about some dark mysterious future. Costia was dreaming about her mom. Two years later and she still couldn't shake it off. Their visits to the mountain didn't really help matters, but Costia was willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of the books and the safekeepings they always brought back with them. For the sake of seeing Lexa's face every time she sat her down in front of a TV screen to watch a movie.

Yes, it was worth it, but it's heightened the restlessness of her nights. Until one night they stayed up late, Costia trying to explain something she read about hot air balloons until they eventually fell asleep next to each other.

When they woke up the following morning, rested and cozy and with a breakfast a-la-Nardo waiting for them, Costia's father declared that Lexa might as well make her overnight stay into a habit.

 ** _"Indra is not going to like it,"_** Lexa argued, though internally she was already getting excited. He was offering her a place at the table, literally. He was offering her a family.

 ** _"She was grumpy when I made her leave last night after you fell asleep, it's true. But let me handle Indra. I can be very persuasive,"_** he reassured.

Lexa nodded. She wouldn't want to be in Indra's position. The man may have been a complete softy when it came to his daughter, and an overall decent human-being, but he was still tall, and intimidating, and when he stood in front of people, arms crossed with his head held high, people usually gulped. Lexa never understood how come Costia was as short as she was with him as a father.

On his end of things, Nardo saw that the sleeping arrangements made both girls happy, and, Lexa suspected that he knew that if Lexa was already there, Costia wouldn't dash out of the door first thing in the morning to go and find her.

Months went by, months of Lexa gaining back something that she had lost when her parents died when she was four, and there she was in a soft, comfortable bed, feeling like she had no worry in the world.

Until an arm smacked her in the face.

"Ow!" she whined in surprise.

 ** _"I'm sorry,"_** Costia immediately sat up next to her. "I think I dreamed something bit me. Are you okay?"

 ** _"I'm fine,"_** she confirmed with a yawn. "Let's just go back to sleep. Yes, that's a good plan," she turned around, not the least surprised when she felt Costia's arms wrap around her. The early morning hours were chilly and they created a little cocoon.

 ** _"Breakfast!"_** Nardo's voice announced from some other room in the bungalow.

"Noooo!" Costia pouted. "Let's just ignore him," she offered.

"No, Cos, that's rude. I'm still a guest in his home," Lexa reminded and started to get up.

Costia caught her wrist and prevented her from moving further. "You are so much more than a guest and he wouldn't mind."

 ** _"Kostia!"_** they heard the voice again, **_"You can come now, when it's me and I'm asking nicely, or you can wait until, oh…"_**

Someone else entered the cabin with a bang, making Lexa eyes grow big. She knew what Nardo was trying to warn them about.

 ** _"Leksa!"_** Two very annoyed voices chimed in unison.

"Bye bye sleep," Costia accepted defeat once she heard the voices from the other room. She knew they were doomed.

 ** _"Would you like some breakfast?"_** The kind owner asked his uninvited guests.

"Bless the first Commander for your charming father for distracting the wolves," Lexa chuckled.

"The wolves won't be distracted for very long and you know it," Costia concluded with a yawn. "Let's go and face our fate." She rubbed her eyes, got off the bed and waited for Lexa to follow suit.

 ** _"Well if it isn't the mayhem twins,"_** Indra narrowed her eyes at them the moment they entered the room.

"Whatever do you mean?" Costia asked innocently, adding another yawn for good measure, making Anya snort.

Indra gave Anya an unpleasant look.

 ** _"Sorry, my beverage is too hot,"_** Anya deflected, causing Nardo to grumble.

 ** _"We are allowing you way too much. You should've met us outside earlier,"_** Indra scolded.

 ** _"We're sorry, Indra,"_** Costia apologized sweetly, **_"We knew you'd come looking for us and it was our way of making sure you'll get a decent breakfast. It was out of care, you see."_** She finished. Lexa gave her friend an adoring look. Costia had a way into people's hearts. That's to say that she was adorably manipulative. Lexa knew that Indra was really there to serve **her** , follow **her** command and not the other way around, but she tried to obey as often as possible while she was still a student. There would come a day, she knew, when the tables would turn.

All eyes were looking at Indra, wondering how she'd react to Costia's ridiculous attempt at an excuse.

 ** _"Fine,"_** she was finally appeased and sat down, making Anya smirk in her seat, silently this time, to avoid a similar wrath to the one from moments before. **_"A quick breakfast and we are out of here! We have much to discuss today,"_** Indra declared.

Lexa made sure she wasn't being observed and leaned in to whisper in her best friend's ear. "When she says we have much to discuss today you know it means that it's gonna be the kind of day when I wish a **_pauna_** would eat me."

"We can't have that, we'll just have to think of something," Costia replied with a smug smirk, then both she and Lexa turned to stare at their salvation, Anya. The one who held the key for a more tolerable day.

* * *

"What did you tell her?" Costia laughed, following her friend on their way out of the village and into the woods.

"I told her she should let us play some hide and seek because it's a good way to work on sharpening our senses," Lexa provided, seeming quite satisfied with herself.

"You're going to make a great politician," Costia concluded. When she saw, based on the expression on Lexa's face, that her friend didn't know if to be pleased or offended, she started laughing again. "Are we actually gonna play hide and seek?"

"Yes. And this time, I'm gonna win," Lexa announced, determined.

"Maybe. Or maybe it'll really hurt when you don't," Costia shrugged and started running further into the woods, leaving a disapproving Lexa to shake her head all by her lonesome.

* * *

Lexa was crouching on a high tree branch. One hand hung loose between her legs, the other on the bar of the trunk, carrying her body weight.

"Where is she?" Lexa wondered, suspiciously.

It amazed her how sneaky her friend had become over the years. Costia was the one on the lookout for the hiding Lexa, but it was Costia who was nowhere to be found.

Lexa was on the verge of just giving up and jumping down. _No, she's smart, that's what she wants me to do. The fiend. I'm a **Natblida** , I am not giving up._

"What are we looking at?" A voice next to her asked in a casual manner, catching her so off guard that she lost her balance, slipped, and fell off the branch, having just a split second glance of her friend sitting comfortably on the branch before Costia jumped to grab her hand, saving Lexa from a very unpleasant fall.

"Hey, I've got you!" Costia assured her seriously but then started to giggle at their current predicament. "I'm not gonna let you fall," she promised a moment later.

"Where did you come from?" Lexa demanded in shock, praying that her sweaty hands won't slip out of Costia's.

"Hey, did you notice Dad was extra generous with the food this morning?" Costia inquired casually. "And there was bread, too. I think he's finally ready to tell me about his girlfriend."

" **Now?** You want to talk about this **now?** " Lexa scolded, kicking her legs in the air, anxiety levels growing.

"Oh, right, sorry," Costia offered sheepishly and was about to pull her friend back on the branch when she seemed to have noticed something below.

Lexa could see that look, that devilish look she knew so well, appear on Costia's face. Currently, it was not a good look.

"Cos, what are you doing?" Lexa inquired in growing fear. "Cos?" But there was no reply. And then Costia released her hand, sending her full speed toward the ground and a sure death.

"Costia!" Lexa screamed as she fell and fell and… hit a soft padded pile of leaves. A second later, as she was breathing rapidly, trying to wrap her head around the concept of still being alive, she heard a thump right next to her.

"Yes?" her best friend questioned, seemingly somewhere between innocent and smug.

 ** _"I am going to kill you."_** Lexa announced, still flat on her back.

Costia mirrored Lexa's position and cuddled into her body. Lexa was considering forgiving her even though Costia made no attempt at apologizing. But then -

"The almighty Lexa fell from a tree," Costia started, evoking a groan from Lexa who knew what was coming.

"She was spooked down by none other than me,

If you asked her about it, she'd say that I lie,

But believe me my friends, I made the girl fly."

Lexa pushed Costia away, regretting ever encouraging her friend to try her luck with the written word.

On her end of things, Costia was laughing hysterically.

 ** _"You are gonna pay for this. Kostia kom okru,"_** Lexa announced and jumped to her feet. "Choose your weapon."

"Come on, Alex, I'm sorry, I knew it was safe otherwise I'd never…"

"Costia! Enough stalling!" Lexa barked. "You made your choice and now you need to live with the consequences. Choose your weapon!" They have done this dance a million times before. At least when it came to their sparring, Lexa knew what the outcome would be.

"Fine. **Commander.** I choose the only weapon we actually brought with us, the glorious wooden sword, curtsey of **_Nardo kom trikru_** ," Costia mocked. "I'm assuming you are choosing the same?"

"Naturally," Lexa smirked and took out her sword.

They were at it for about ten minutes, both breathing hard from sheer exhaustion but also from the adrenaline coursing through their veins. Lexa couldn't help but observe that Costia was getting better and better every day, but eventually her friend made a mistake by giving Lexa an opening to her torso.

Lexa used it to her advantage by kicking Costia straight in the gut, sending her flying into the air, falling a few steps away.

"Who's flying now?" Lexa laughed through a heavy breath and walked quickly toward Costia who was already back on her feet after doing a nice looking kick up. But Lexa was faster and used a crescent kick to disarm Costia of her sword. She added a calf kick and soon after Costia was on her knees with Lexa's wooden sword a mere distance from her throat.

 ** _"Dead,"_** Lexa announced victoriously.

 ** _"You got me, Commander,"_** Costia admitted humbly, but Lexa could see a ghost of a smile on her lips. A smile Costia was working really hard to hide. A shocking realization hit Lexa and she was staring at Costia, mouth agape.

"What?" Costia asked, now seeming more nervous than anything else.

"You… You didn't lose on purpose, did you?" Lexa blurted her unfathomable suspicion out.

For a few moments, Costia didn't say a word, but she had to face the truth. She wasn't careful enough and she was finally busted.

"I would never," she offered, biting her lip, trying to stop the smile from forming.

Lexa gasped. "Is today the first time?" she demanded.

"Yes," Costia provided immediately.

"Liar!"

"Fine, no," Costia rolled her eyes.

Lexa could totally see it now. All the times her friend made a little mistake, crafted so well to appear as such when in fact it wasn't a mistake at all. Today wasn't a fluke. It was a pattern.

"How long?" Lexa narrowed her eyes, boring them into her best friend's.

"Not long?" Costia tried, softer this time.

"Costia!" Lexa demanded in the authoritative tone she got better at by the day. The one that usually didn't work on Costia who at least, this time around, showed some humility by bowing her head in shame.

"A year? Maybe less?" She finally admitted.

"A **year**?" Lexa uttered in disbelief.

"I said maybe less!" Costia argued.

Lexa gave her a hand to pick her from the ground. They started walking back toward Ton DC, both quiet. Lexa was lost in thought, Costia was sneaking glances at her, hoping she didn't screw up too badly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lexa finally asked quietly.

"I… I don't know," Costia tried to avoid a straight answer.

"Cos," Lexa stopped and looked her friend in the eyes. "You can tell me anything."

Costia sighed. "I know how important it is for you to be the best," she admitted, averting her gaze from Lexa's. "I don't really care about this, but for you it's everything. Between you teaching me, and my dad… I guess you were right, it's in my blood. Maybe it's wasted on me," Costia shrugged.

Lexa observed her, trying to gather if there was more.

"It's just…" Costia continued, clearly annoyed at her own lack of ability to put her thoughts into words, "I didn't want to take this away from you."

"You were willing to make yourself appear as less capable just to make me feel better?" Lexa wondered out loud in astonishment.

"Of course," Costia stated as if it should've been obvious.

"For how long?"

"Forever, if necessary," Costia shrugged.

"But… why?" Lexa questioned in puzzlement.

"Because I love you," Costia stated the obvious. "Because I know what you're thinking right now and that's just not true."

"What am I thinking?" Lexa challenged. She shouldn't have. Costia always knew.

"You're thinking that if you're not the best at this, you might not be up to the task," Costia stated sadly.

Lexa started walking again, staring at her feet as she did. Costia followed suit, not pushing further.

"So you think tonight is the night, ah?" Lexa chose to very unsubtly change the subject. She needed time to process. "He's gonna tell us about Dara?"

"He must. Did you notice the bread this morning was fresh out of the oven?" Costia scoffed, thinking how obvious her clueless father was being about the whole thing.

"Obviously, good call," Lexa agreed. "You think **she** knows that you know? I mean, she must, right? You give her sweet Costia smiles every time we go to buy bread."

"I hope she does. That's what I was going for with all the "sweet Costia smiles." Let her know that I know, and that it's okay," Costia explained, but her friend already knew all of that.

"Knowing Nardo she probably told him we know and he rejected that idea," Lexa chuckled.

"You are probably right," Costia agreed, an emotional look of content on her face.

"He's very lucky to have you, too," Lexa noted gently, knowing what Costia was thinking.

Costia gave her a grateful smile. "He's not the only one I'm lucky to have," she admitted and looked forward.

Lexa smiled. She distracted herself just fine with that topic.

They enjoyed their calm stroll for a few more moments.

"If it makes you feel better," Costia said suddenly, "you're the only one who makes me break a sweat. Except for Daddy, of course, but that goes without saying."

She offered her friend a shy smile, letting Lexa know that she wanted them to be okay when they spoke about today's revelation.

"Linc?" Lexa challenged, trying to gauge just how good her friend actually was.

"Ha! He wishes," Costia declared smugly.

Lexa looked at her. She seemed more carefree, confident, as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. _She hated hiding this from me._ Lexa realized, enjoying the joyful look on Costia's face.

"Cos?" she tried cautiously, grabbing her friend's arm to stop her from waking.

"Yeah?" Costia seemed worried.

"Always give it your all when we spar. Okay? It will make me better," Lexa admitted.

"You're going to lose very often," Costia replied sheepishly, "you sure you want that?"

"If I lose to you, that's okay. But don't tell anyone," Lexa demanded.

"I wouldn't dream of it, **Commander** ," Costia teased.

"You really think I can be **_Heda_** , don't you?" Lexa asked with thick vulnerably lacing her tone. Costia always threw these remarks into the air. Lexa told herself it was mocking, but as more and more time went by, she realized that it wasn't. Costia had utter faith in her. And Costia didn't have faith in many things.

And now Costia was looking at her in awe, half amazed that Lexa even needed to ask this question, half imagining all the amazing things Lexa was capable of.

"I think you are the only one in the world who should be **_Heda_** ," Costia confessed and released a breath. "I also know that you're not allowed to die in some conclave."

Lexa had to look away. There was something incredibly intense in Costia's eyes. It was scary, but it was also not. Lexa started walking again.

"If I do become **_Heda_** , I want to unite the twelve clans," she admitted quietly, realizing what she said a moment later and feeling embarrassed. This was her admitting to a fantasy of actually becoming the Commander, and doing the unimaginable once that happened. It made her feel like a naive child. She didn't mean to speak her mind out loud.

"I know you do," Costia stated, surprising Lexa. "This is why it should be you," she added seriously. And just like that, with a simple sentence, Lexa's embarrassment of her childish fantasy turned into determination to one day see this dream through.

She looked at Costia who gave her another one of those intense, piercing looks. Lexa felt like she was about to lose her breath, she looked away and spotted Anya waiting for them at the entrance to the village.

 ** _"I'll join you guys later,"_** Costia apologized. **_"I think my father might want to talk to me."_** She smiled at both of them and kept walking further into the village.

Anya observed Lexa in suspicion. Her little mentee was lost in thought, that much was clear.

 _Is she trying to figure out the entire world or just her own?_ Anya wondered.

 ** _"Did you get a good work out? Sharpened your senses like you wanted?"_** She inquired with a raised eyebrow.

 ** _"I did,"_** Lexa confirmed and it was the truth. She definitely learned a lot today and had a lot to think about.

 ** _"You seem happy, Leksa"_** Anya observed in a nonjudgmental way.

 ** _"I am,"_** Lexa admitted. Why wouldn't she be? She did have a fruitful afternoon and if she could also enjoy herself while she grows as a future leader, there was nothing wrong with that.

 ** _"Just remember,"_** Anya warned, ** _"you only have a year left before you have to head to Polis."_**

She wasn't trying to make Lexa feel bad. She loved that Lexa had someone who cared about her so much. She didn't, however, love the idea of the pain a separation between the two would cause to either.

 ** _"I know,"_** Lexa admitted quietly, ** _"it's because I have a year left that… I'm taking what I can for as long as I can."_**

Anya nodded in understanding. Her mentee was smart beyond her years. She might grow up to be the Commander one day. The least Anya could do was respect her enough to let her make her own choices.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "Bless the first Commander" - I don't think "thank God" is a saying that exists for the Grounders because they don't have a god that they refer to as "God." So I figured the equivalent will have to be "Bless/Thank the First Commander." Costia, though, came from another culture and would say things like "oh my god" which will eventually rub off on Lexa.

2\. **_Pauna_** – Gorilla in **_Trigedasleng_** , as we learned in season 2.


	5. De Seken Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 _Two Months Later…_

He took a breath, aimed, squinted his eyes in concentration, and flung the little rock directly at the tower of rocks a few feet away. Nothing happened. The tower was left standing. He missed it altogether.

 ** _"Jok!"_** He threw his hands up in the air, completely frustrated.

Costia was on the ground next to him, rolling with laughter. Lincoln joined in a moment later.

 ** _"Shut up!"_** Nyko whined. He hated losing.

 ** _"You are really bad at this, Nyk,"_** Costia pointed out.

 ** _"Oh and you're so much better?"_** he challenged.

 ** _"I didn't say that, I'm actually pretty terrible. You're just worse,"_** Costia tilted her head to the side, as if she was thinking about the matter, analyzing it as she went.

 ** _"You are both embarrassing,"_** Lincoln announced and easily threw a rock with such remarkable precision, the tower collapsed entirely.

 ** _"Show-off,"_** Nyko snorted.

 ** _"We can always solve this with a sword,"_** Costia shrugged.

 ** _"No, I am not sparring with you!"_** Lincoln shook his head aggressively, arms crossed on his chest.

 ** _"Coward!"_** Nyko announced in defiance.

 ** _"Oh, really? Then you fight her."_** Lincoln challenged.

 ** _"I would, but last time I had bruises for days. I can do without that."_**

 ** _"Who's the coward, now?"_** Lincoln mocked.

 ** _"Kostia!"_** Indra was standing further down the road. Lincoln and Nyko breathed in relief at her unexpected appearance. They knew it meant Costia was about to be taken away and they were saved. **_"Leksa asked for you,"_** Indra told her what she already knew.

 ** _"Sorry, guys, I need to go spar with a worthy opponent,"_** she smirked, jumping to her feet.

 ** _"That's too bad, I would've totally fought you,"_** Lincoln stated with a mocking grin.

 ** _"Then you would have ended with your face in the dirt,"_** she declared nonchalantly and left them to join Indra.

 ** _"Is it just me or is she getting more and more smug by the day?"_** Nyko wondered out loud.

 ** _"It's not just you,"_** Lincoln agreed.

 ** _"It should be annoying, but it's cute,"_** Nyko admitted grumpily.

 ** _"It is cute, which is annoying,"_** Lincoln seconded.

They watched her until she finally reached Indra before they returned to rebuilding their little stone tower.

 ** _"Indra,"_** Costia nodded affectionately as the two started walking side by side.

 ** _"I don't know why she keeps calling you when she can fight me,"_** Indra shook her head.

 ** _"She's trying to push me,"_** Costia smiled in a knowing way.

 ** _"Push you to do what, exactly?"_** Indra glanced at her suspiciously.

 ** _"I guess we'll have to see,"_** Costia shrugged innocently as they reached their destination.

 ** _"Good, you are here. She refused to do anything until you got here,"_** Anya said loud enough for Lexa to hear as well. **_"You know I actually have other duties around here aside from you, right?"_**

Lexa ignored her.

 ** _"Aleks, what's going on?"_** Costia asked innocently.

 ** _"I need to spar and you're gonna do it with me,"_** Lexa announced matter-of-factly.

 ** _"You didn't have to call me for that. You could've fought Indra,"_** Costia noted, gesturing to the woman in question.

 ** _"I didn't want Indra, I wanted you,"_** Lexa crossed her arms on her chest giving Costia a challenging look while Indra was grunting behind them.

 ** _"Well, your wish is my command,"_** Costia mock-bowed.

Lexa smiled widely, she knew what she was doing. She took a wooden sword and threw it to Costia who caught it easily, smoothly.

"Give it your all, Cos," Lexa ordered.

"Of course," Cos stated as if it wasn't even a question.

But then they started fighting and every now and then Costia made a little mistake. Intentional mistake, Lexa knew by now.

"You are not actually trying!" Lexa whined.

"But I'm sure making you look really good in front of these two," Costia gestured with her head to Anya and Indra.

 ** _"Any time you are ready for a real challenge let me know,"_** Indra called from the sideline. She sounded bored.

"I said give it your all, Costia," Lexa demanded again before launching forward and momentarily surprising Costia. However, Costia's instincts kicked into gear as she easily deflected the attack.

"That's more like it," Lexa beamed and kept pushing.

"Lex," Costia narrowed her eyes in warning.

"I need a challenge, you're gonna give it to me," Lexa stated flatly and launched forward again, putting as much effort as she could into the battle. She was being insatiable, delivering stroke after stroke, not giving Costia the time to analyze; forcing her to act based on her gut feeling, show her true warrior colors.

 ** _"What is happening?"_** Indra wondered in confusion.

 ** _"I'm not sure,"_** Anya joined her colleague's surprise. **_"It seems like someone has been holding out on us."_**

"Alex, stop it!" Costia tried, jumping back, averting another attack.

"Why?" Lexa laughed, finally enjoying a worthwhile competition and not just in the woods when no one was there to see them, but instead right in the open in front of her mentors. They'll finally realize how valuable Costia was for Lexa's training and winning now will mean so much more, Lexa figured.

"Because I don't want to hurt you!" Costia admitted in frustration.

"You won't, you're not that good," Lexa shrugged, striking out again. But Costia **was** that good, and Lexa knew as much. She had hoped that turning to Costia's ego would finally unleash the beast. And it did.

Costia growled and jumped to the offense. One stroke after the other and Lexa, while sweating and heavily breathing, couldn't help but laugh.

Moments later she gasped and found herself flat on her back with Costia's leg on her chest, burying her deeper into the sand.

Lexa was overjoyed.

 _Now **that's** sports. That's how I get better._

She looked to the side and saw Indra and Anya staring at them dumbfoundedly.

 ** _"Well,"_** Anya started still in shock, **_"Nardo's daughter."_**

Indra could do nothing but nod. This was a little bit of a revelation for the two who, based on past sparring between Lexa and Costia, simply assumed that Nardo's talent skipped a generation.

Costia was still standing above Lexa, breathing hard. Lexa's eyes were locked on hers.

Suddenly Lexa saw a change. Her friend looked afraid which confused Lexa. Costia bowed her head in shame, threw her wooden sword to the side, and started walking away. Opposite of the direction where Indra and Anya were standing.

"Cos!" Lexa called after her, puzzled by the new development. "Costia!" When her friend didn't stop she looked at both her teachers not even realizing that she was hoping for permission to go after Costia.

 ** _"It's okay, Leksa, go talk to her,"_** Indra said softly, surprising both Lexa and Anya. **_"Come back after lunch."_**

Lexa didn't have to be told twice. She jumped to her feet and ran toward Costia's home. **Their** home. When she got there Costia was already gone again, heading to the woods with a weird looking item in her hand.

"Costia!" Lexa called after her friend who still wouldn't stop walking. She jogged until she caught up and was side by side with her.

"Hi," she tried cautiously.

"Hey!" Costia answered excitedly. "I'm going to the woods!"

"I… can see that." Lexa was utterly confused. "Why are we going to the woods?"

"Oh, you're coming too?" Costia asked in joy.

"Yes. Anya and Indra gave me a break until after lunch," Lexa explained.

"Great! I've been meaning for us to try this thing," she raised the item she was holding to give Lexa a better look.

It was becoming obvious to Lexa that whatever it was that happened when they sparred, Costia wasn't willing or ready to talk about it. Not yet. And Lexa wasn't going to push. For now.

"What exactly is this thing?" Lexa inquired, grabbing the item from Costia's hand, giving it a thorough examination.

"I think it's called a bangarang?" Costia seemed like she was trying to remember. "I know I'm saying it wrong. It's from Australia."

Lexa nodded. She memorized the world's map so often, she didn't need Costia to tell her where things were anymore. The item came from far away.

"I think it was used for hunting but also for fun? I'll need to check next time we're in the mountain," Costia decided in determination.

"How does it work?"

"Hmm… Wait, I know," Costia grabbed her friend's hand and dragged her down a dusty path for a couple of minutes but not too far from home. They could still hear the voices of the hustle and bustle and laughing children at play.

"I just want a clear space with not so many trees," Costia explained. Lexa nodded in understanding, encouraging Costia to continue.

"So, if I'm understanding this correctly, I just throw it and it comes back to me."

"That sounds unpractical. How exactly do you hunt with this if it just comes back?" Lexa rolled her eyes, making her friend shrug. Costia had no idea either, but she was anxious to find out.

"And besides, **how** does it come back?" Lexa face scrunched up in concentration as she demanded an answer from Costia.

"Science," Costia stated in confidence, making Lexa roll her eyes again. Every time Costia didn't know the answer to a question she would pull science out of her pocket as if it was some absolute answer to everything, because she knew Lexa couldn't argue with that.

"Okay, fine. I don't know, Alex. That's why I said I need to read about it again next time we're in the mountain." Costia defended in annoyance when she saw that her admittance evoked a victorious look from her friend. "What?" She blurted in exasperation.

"Nothing, just… I'm surprised that there's something the almighty **_Kostia kom okru_** doesn't know," Lexa teased with a shrug.

"There are many things I don't know and you know it!" Costia huffed, irritated. "Now stay here," she ordered and distanced herself.

"Costia, what are you doing?" Lexa questioned in confusion.

" **We** are testing the bangarang," she announced and stopped when she reached what felt to her like a pleasing distance.

She made sure her feet were buried in the ground for balance, she focused on a spot in front between herself and Lexa, and raised her hand to throw.

"Hmm… Should I get out of the way?" Lexa asked, very evidently worried.

"No, don't worry. It's supposed to come back, remember? It won't even reach you," Costia said in confidence.

"Costia," Lexa warned, "are you sure you know what you're do…"

But she didn't even finish the question before she saw the flying item coming straight at her in full speed. The next thing she knew, she heard a gut wrenching scream of pain. Looking up, she saw Costia standing terrified with her hand on her mouth in shock, and realized she had heard her own scream. It was then that she became aware that she was flat on her back with the feeling of hot liquid streaming down the side of her ribcage.

Costia was by her side in an instant. "Oh my god! Are you okay?" She blurted in panic. "It was supposed to come back!"

"I think I know how you hunt with this now," Lexa tried to joke but as the pain was unbearable, she lost her breath instead. "How bad is it?" She asked weakly, her forehead now sweaty and her ribs screaming in searing pain.

"Not so bad?" Costia tried, but the color drained out of her face. Lexa had to wonder if her friend looked worse than she herself felt.

"Costia…" She coughed.

"It's pretty bad." Costia admitted, full of shame and guilt. "We need help but I don't want to move you."

"I'm fine, I can move," Lexa tried to appear brave, but she knew her body and she was near the point of passing out.

"Alex, this thing is sticking out of your ribcage and there's blood everywhere!" Costia sounded like she was on the edge of hyperventilating.

"Then bring someone…" Lexa ordered.

"But…"

"Go, I'll be fine," Lexa promised. Costia seemed unsure but eventually she nodded and in the next moment she was gone, sprinting back to the village as if her life depended on it. She entered Ton DC and bumped right into Nyko, taking them both down to the ground in a loud bang. Costia tried to untangle herself so she could go on with her urgent quest.

 ** _"Kostia, Kostia!"_** Nyko put a hand on her leg to stop her ongoing flailing. **_"What's wrong?"_**

 ** _"Lexa is hurt really badly. I need to get help!"_** Costia was hysterical and tried to get up.

 ** _"Link!"_** Nyko called to their friend who was a few steps away observing the entire ordeal in confusion. **_"Get Kay!"_** He then looked at Costia. **_"Where is she?"_**

 ** _"Five minutes east of the gate."_** Costia provided, making sure Lincoln heard her as well. He nodded and ran to find Kay, the village's healer.

 ** _"Take me to her,"_** Nyko ordered and as Costia was too shocked to argue or ask any questions, she jumped up and started running, re-uniting with her barely conscious and white as a ghost friend, only minutes later.

"Alex!" She called out, terrified, before dropping herself next to Lexa. "I'm so sorry," she took Lexa's hand in hers and moved sticky hair from Lexa's forehead as gently as she could. "Help is coming," she promised breathlessly.

Nyko crouched next to Lexa's other side, examining the damage.

 ** _"Take it out,"_** Lexa asked weakly, there was black blood pooled all around them.

"Alex, I'm not sure it's a good idea…" Costia commented hesitantly, but her best friend ignored her.

 ** _"Nyko,"_** she insisted, knowing that Costia won't do it, **_"they can't find this,"_** she stopped for a breath. **_"Teke it out."_**

Lexa was protecting **her** , Costia realized. Hiding books in plain sight was one thing but this… And if their visits to the mountain became public knowledge… But it didn't matter to Costia. Not when she saw her best friend slipping away by the second.

"Alex…" Costia begged, but Nyko stopped her.

 ** _"Kostia, it's okay, don't worry,"_** he assured calmly and took something out of his satchel.

 ** _"What is it?"_** Costia asked in concern, but she got no reply from the boy who was already concentrating on the mission ahead.

He took a deep breath and pulled the boomerang out. Lexa screamed in pain and blood was now pouring out of the wound freely. Costia started crying in fear.

 ** _"Kostia!"_** Nyko commanded her attention, **_"put your hands on the wound, cover it as much as you can!"_** He barked.

She did as she was told without questioning it, as he opened a vile with powder and poured a decent amount in his hand.

 ** _"Show it to me,"_** he ordered and Costia followed suit. **_"Clean wound,"_** he said, mostly to himself. He spread the powder on the wound. Costia watched in terror but to her surprise the powder hardened, creating a seal and stopping the bleeding.

Nyko handed her a waterskin.

 ** _"She's lost a lot of blood. She's going to be dehydrated. She needs to drink,"_** he explained. Costia nodded, understanding the task she was given.

"Alex?" Costia tried to engage her weak friend.

"Mmm?" Was the barely audible reply.

"Can you open your mouth for me?"

Lexa nodded but her mouth remained shut.

Costia gently put her thumb on Lexa's chin and slowly pried her jaw open.

"I'm gonna give you some water. Try to swallow," Costia prepared her in the most nurturing voice.

 ** _"Small amounts,"_** Nyko cautioned and Costia, who forgot for a moment he was even there, noticed that he was still checking Lexa.

He used a cloth to clean the area around the wound which now showed clear bruising. He gently touched the area, ghost of a touch, but it was enough to make Lexa, who actually managed to sip some water, hiss in pain.

 ** _"Two broken ribs,"_** Nyko stated to Costia's amazement, and horror.

Lexa finally opened her eyes and it appeared that some color returned to her cheeks.

"Hi, hey," Costia said softly, lovingly. She moved herself behind Lexa and very gently placed Lexa's head in her lap, locking eyes with her upside down.

"You'll be okay," she promised, still teary eyed, and kissed Lexa's forehead. That was the moment Lincoln chose to join them, and Lexa noticed.

 ** _"Help is coming,"_** he assured.

"Couldn't you…" Lexa started, but was overcome by a fit of painful coughs.

"What?" Costia inquired in worry, "couldn't I what?"

"Couldn't you try that stupid thing on Lincoln first?" Lexa finished in a huff. Lincoln didn't know if to be offended or terrified. Without even knowing what exactly happened he knew just by looking around that he wouldn't have wanted to be subjected to it.

Costia smiled, sighed in relief, and wiped the tears from her face. "I do everything with you for the first time and you know it," she provided honestly, earning a weak yet satisfied smile from her friend.

Just as Lexa was about to reply, Anya, Indra and Kay came to sight.

 ** _"Leksa!"_** Anya called in worry.

 ** _"You said you'd be back after lunch and instead you do this?"_** Indra barked.

 ** _"Well, technically, it is after lunch and you are here to take me back,"_** Lexa pointed out.

Indra narrowed her eyes at her but then Indra's look softened. **_"What happened?"_** she asked in concern just as Kay bent by Lexa's side to examine her.

After some probing (from Kay) and hissing (from Lexa), Kay declared **_"Two broken ribs."_**

Costia looked at Nyko in shock though her friend avoided eye contact with her at all costs.

 ** _"Who used the sealing powder on the wound?"_** Kay asked, impressed.

 ** _"Nyko did,"_** Costia said immediately and smiled at him gratefully even though he seemed embarrassed.

Kay observed him as if she was making a mental note, nodded, and kept examining Lexa. **_"We need to take her back, she needs rest. A few days to heal,"_** she concluded.

 ** _"What happened?"_** Anya repeated Indra's question.

 ** _"I fell from a tree,"_** Lexa replied right away. Her body may have been weak but her brain finally kicked back in to its sharp-above-the-average state.

 ** _"I told you, you can go talk to kostia, what were you doing on a tree?"_** Indra asked in suspicion.

 ** _"It's my fault, Indra,"_** Costia interfered. **_"I was sitting up there, to think."_** Confessing to be at fault was easy since she truly blamed herself.

 ** _"You have a deep cut, Laksa,"_** Indra stated flatly.

 ** _"I landed on a sharp stone,"_** Lexa excused. Luckily, the sealing powder covered the shape of the cut.

 ** _"Okay, that's enough. Boys, pick her up, gently, we're taking you home,"_** Anya ordered.

They picked her up, as cautiously as possible, and carried her slowly back toward Ton DC. Costia laced their fingers together, an expression of utter remorse on her face.

Lexa wanted to take the guilt away, but she didn't want to speak in front of all the witnesses, even though the adults were conversing among themselves.

 ** _"So you just always carry these things on you?"_** Costia asked Nyko suddenly.

He nodded in embarrassment.

 ** _"Hey,"_** Costia soothed, **_"you're really great at this, Nyk."_**

 ** _"I've been thinking about becoming a healer. I've done a lot of reading,"_** He admitted quietly. **_"Experimented with some stuff on myself."_**

 ** _"That's wonderful, Nyk,"_** Costia encouraged genuinely.

 ** _"Is it?"_** He inquired with uncertainty. ** _"Most guys want to be warriors."_**

 ** _"Most guys are stupid,"_** Lexa stated cheekily, earning a giggle and a hand squeeze from Costia.

* * *

Lexa slept through most of the afternoon. Every now and then Dara, who spent most of her days at their home now, came in with food, water, or just to make sure Lexa was comfortable. Lexa appreciated it greatly, but she didn't want Dara, she wanted Costia, yet her best friend was nowhere to be found. And so she kept dozing off in disappointment until her next waking.

At some point she felt the side of the bed next to her dip, and a moment after there was another body next to hers, projecting warmth and putting Lexa at ease.

 ** _"I'm so sorry,"_** Costia apologized cautiously, intimately.

The mere presence of her friend next to her made Lexa feel better. She turned her head a bit, unable to turn her body fully without hurting herself. Costia was half lying on her side, leaning on her elbow with her head in her hand. She was looking down at Lexa with a pained expression.

"I guess you owed me a scar," Lexa joked weakly, bringing her hand up to Costia's face, using her thumb to caress Costia's lip which was sporting a tree branch scar from long ago. Their eyes locked.

"Is that what we do?" Costia smiled sadly. "Scar each other?"

"For better or worse, we do," Lexa confirmed. She meant it, there was absolutely good scarring, too. There was mostly good scarring, but she saw the worry in Costia's eyes.

"What happened earlier today, Cos?" Lexa asked quietly.

"I was stupid and irrational and nearly got my favorite person killed," Costia admitted in shame.

"I guess that's all true," Lexa chuckled, trying to show Costia she wasn't actually upset," but I'm not talking about that."

"Then what **are** you talking about?" Costia asked in confusion. But Lexa wasn't fooled, she knew Costia understood.

"Earlier than that, when we were sparring," Lexa clarified.

"I don't want to talk about it yet," Costia objected immediately. The 'yet' was important, it was Costia's way of telling Lexa that eventually she'd tell her, and only her, everything. But for now, Costia backed away trying to create some distance between them. Lexa wouldn't have that. She caught Costia's hand in hers and laced their fingers.

"You wouldn't ignore a dying girl's wish, would you?" Lexa teased, except Costia didn't take the comment very well and in an instant Lexa remembered just how guilty she felt after the branch incident.

"Cos, I'm okay, and I'm not upset, but I've been worried about you all day. Tell me, please?" Lexa pleaded, she was determined but not aggressive.

"Sometimes…" Costia gulped, but kept going. "Sometimes I can't stop," she confessed quietly. "I'll fight, and I'll win and I'll enjoy it. It's like something takes over me, something that I don't like when I remember later on how it felt, but in the moment, I enjoy it." She swallowed hard, a shame-filled expression on her face, as if she was disgusted with herself. It broke Lexa's heart.

"What's so wrong about that?" Lexa squeezed her friend's hand, trying to tell Costia it was okay.

"I don't **want** to enjoy hurting other people, Alex," Costia shook her head sadly. "I've done it twice today, to you. This isn't something that should feel like fun," she was begging for Lexa to understand.

"Costia, it's your warrior instinct, it's natural, it's not something to be ashamed of," Lexa tried to sooth her friend's fears. For a change, it wasn't the best thing she could've said.

"Maybe I don't want to be a warrior, Alex," Costia admitted cautiously, as if she was worried of Lexa's reaction.

Lexa understood. She wasn't mad or disappointed. In a different world, who knows what someone like Costia could have been. Who knows what **they** could have been. But this was the world they lived in.

 ** _"It's in your blood, Kostia,"_** Lexa finally said as softly as she could, to let her friend know she understood.

 ** _"I know,"_** Costia admitted and switched back to English, "but I'm my mother's daughter, too."

Lexa observed her best friend and knew Costia needed a little dose of what-if.

"What would you want to do?" she asked excitedly. "If you could do anything at all, what would you do?" She was actually curious. They always talked about Lexa's possible future, the future destiny chose for her, but she suddenly realized she didn't know what her friend's dream was.

"I don't know," Costia admitted, then, all of a sudden she got a longing look on her face. "Maybe to travel, maybe to write. Maybe to travel **and** write. See some of those distant places we read about, somehow."

Lexa smiled. She could see her friend walking through forests and crossing seas, writing it all down in rhymes to tell Lexa all about it later. Somehow.

"Who knows," Lexa tried to sound hopeful. "Maybe someday," she offered, thinking selfishly that she wouldn't want Costia to be an ocean away.

"Yeah, maybe," Costia smiled half-heartedly. _Not without you,_ she thought, _maybe in another lifetime._

They looked at each other in quiet understanding.

"I wish you didn't have to leave so soon," Costia whispered sadly.

 ** _"Me too,"_** Lexa admitted, using her hand to caress Costia's arm. "But we still have a few months and we'll make the most of them."

"We do," Costia agreed happily. "And I promise not to try and kill you again during those few months," she vowed apologetically.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, **_Kostia kom okru_** ," Lexa teased and in return got the brightest smile Costia has given her all day.

It was worth a bangarang to the gut.

* * *

Notes:

1\. **_Jok_** – Fuck in **_Trigedasleng._**

2\. The boomerang - You can't blame a _Peter Pan_ fanatic for this little _Hook_ reference. Speaking of which, did you know Carrie Fisher script doctored it?

3\. I also enjoyed this little Australian turn of events considering the person who actually portrayed Lexa **is** Australian.


	6. De Seken Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 _Four Months Later…_

"Are you gonna miss this place at all?" Costia wondered out loud, cautiously.

"Of course," Lexa smiled but saw her friend wasn't satisfied with such a short answer.

They were back at the mountain, towards the end of their visit. They'd had a chance to watch a movie in Costia's old apartment, load their bags with books (Costia took as many modern medicine books as she could this time around,) and make the art room their last stop.

Costia always liked to finish their visits there. It was like a maze of long forgotten things that belonged to a culture which only existed within the walls of the mountain.

"I'll miss this room," Lexa added, looking in awe at the art around them. "It's always the same yet always completely different."

Costia nodded in agreement.

"I'll miss watching movies, and reading your mother's journals, but, Cos, I'll just miss seeing how happy you are when we're here," Lexa admitted softly. "I take comfort in the fact that it all lives in you and as long as I have you, I have access to this world," Lexa concluded, meaning every word.

Costia sighed in relief. "I'm glad you said that. I'm glad you don't loath this place."

"I don't… loath it. I have a complicated relationship with it, but I love **you** , and this is a part of who you are. How can I hate it?" Lexa questioned as if the idea alone was absurd.

By the huge smile Costia gave her, Lexa knew that's exactly what her best friend wanted to hear. That's exactly what worried her, that Lexa would hate something that was such a big part of who she was. Costia didn't say anything in return, but Lexa understood. It wasn't a moment of saying something, it was a moment of hearing something.

Lexa looked around her, at the branching hallways of the room. It always felt like some sort of a sanctuary, like time was standing still and it was just the two of them and hidden treasures. Sometimes they allowed themselves to be too loud until a few moments after they remembered it was false sense of security; that they should be more careful.

They've visited the mountain so many times now that Lexa had no doubt that she didn't even need Costia for navigation anymore. That notion scared her as she realized that they were becoming more and more reckless with every visit, too confident.

 _At least it'll be over soon. No more mountain,_ she thought and then realized that maybe Costia didn't share her sentiment. It was so clear to Lexa that once she'll be gone to Polis Costia would cease returning to the mountain. But now she realized that maybe that conclusion was misplaced. After all, it **was** her friend's home, and the visits seemed to always invigorate her. But would Costia actually consider coming here on her own? It seemed like insanity, yet more often than not, her friend was motivated by her feelings. It was what Lexa loved about her the most, envied very often, but she also worried it could be Costia's downfall one day.

Lexa had to admit it was also about feeling left out. Visiting the mountain was **their** thing. There was a part of her that didn't want to be absent for those visits, but above all she was worried about Costia's safety.

Lexa sighed. She knew she'd have to bring the subject up and soon, but not today. Today was a good day. Her friend had that happy look on her face, the one she always got when she learned something new. Except that Lexa was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize said friend was now gone, having ventured somewhere deeper within the room.

"Alex, come here!" She suddenly heard Costia's voice.

 _She found something,_ Lexa knew. Every visit Costia found some new exciting thing and would make Lexa stand in front of it and discuss it with her. "Like they used to do in museums," she said, then explaining what museums were.

"Keep talking, I'll follow your voice," Lexa requested, trying to locate her friend.

"I found a nice painting, confusing, but still,

It makes you think, it makes you feel,

It looks quite interesting and so I thought,

We should talk about it so I gave you a shout,

In six months we won't be able to do this no more,

So get here already before someone walks through the door," Costia concluded her newest poem exactly when Lexa appeared behind a shelf with a wide smile on her face.

"Will you send me poems when I'm in Polis?" she inquired hopefully.

"Of course, Lex, at least once a week. I promise," Costia vowed with a little official looking bow, causing Lexa to giggle.

"Good, because I'll miss them," she admitted. _I'll miss a lot more than just them_ , her eyes spoke the words she didn't say. Costia understood and gave her a lopsided smile.

"Look at this thing!" Costia presented excitedly before turning back to face the painting.

"What is it?" Lexa asked, observing the creation.

"I have no idea!" Costia announced with such joy in her voice.

Costia loved having no clue just as much as she loved knowing everything, Lexa knew.

"These are clocks, right?" Lexa questioned, now curious, too, "they look like they're…"

"Melting?" Costia completed her thought. "Like time has no meaning maybe?"

"Time has so much meaning, though," Lexa noted in seriousness.

"And is that a dead horse on the ground?" Costia furrowed her eyebrows.

"This painting is sad," Lexa decided.

"But beautiful," Costia was looking at the painting intently. "Do you think this is somewhere real?"

"I don't know. If it is, I'm not sure I'd want to go there," Lexa admitted.

"To a place where time has no meaning, really?" Costia smirked. "When time stops, people don't leave," she explained.

Lexa knew where Costia was coming from. She had that thought just moments before. But it was no real solution to anything. "When time stops nothing evolves," she countered with a half smile of her own. Costia nodded in agreement. Moving forward, experiencing, was part of being alive; for better or worse.

"Hey, Cos, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," Costia confirmed in amusement that Lexa would even need permission.

"All these books you read, the science ones I mean, how much of it do you actually understand?" Lexa knew Costia understood some. Very often Costia would describe or explain something to her and while Lexa found it fascinating, it was not always easy to comprehend.

"Pffft… probably almost nothing," Costia admitted with a chuckle. "I understand ideas, but most of the time not the details. Like, I'd understand what a certain machine is meant to do but not how it does it, you know?" Lexa nodded. "Then, sometimes," Costia continued, "I can read something else altogether months later and all of a sudden remember something I read before and get it."

"That sounds exciting," Lexa noted in enthusiasm.

"It is. It's like it opens my brain to many more ideas," Costia confirmed happily.

"I love when you talk about it," Lexa admitted shyly.

"Yeah, some subjects are way more interesting than others."

"Like space," Lexa joked, she knew what her best friend liked, "and geography, and anthropology."

"And medicine," Costia added quietly.

"Did you ever think about becoming a healer?" Lexa asked in genuine interest.

"No," Costia shook her head, "that's more of Nyk's thing. But… I like to understand it," Costia concluded, seeming lost in thought. Lexa was confused by this statement, but then she suddenly realized.

"Your mom," she offered softly. Costia nodded, a ghost of a smile on her lips. She loved it when Lexa could read her mind.

"I wanted to understand the thing that took her away from me. I want to recognize it if it ever happens to someone else I care about," Costia explained and Lexa knew she was mostly talking about her father. "And then I discovered so many other things, Alex. Some of it is really gross," she snorted, making Lexa giggle. "There are so many ways to die," Costia observed sadly, "but there are so many ways to prevent death as well. Ways that we don't know much about in the clans. Ways that maybe we **should** know about, some day," she summarized and Lexa nodded.

She knew people weren't going to easily accept new ways, ways that came from the mountain. Maybe, if she was to become the Commander, she could change some of it, make Costia proud. The thought of a proud Costia made her feel a bit tingly. She looked up at her friend who gave her a peculiar look.

Suddenly, they heard the door creaking open. Lexa grabbed Costia's arm and immediately dragged her down a hallway of shelves, trying to get a vantage point of the door and doing so as quietly as possible.

They saw it was a girl, maybe one year younger than them, Lexa figured. Costia gasped in recognition and though Lexa put her hand on Costia's mouth it was too late. The girl looked up in fear, searching for the source of the sound.

"Who's there?" she asked, fear very clear in her voice.

Costia untangled herself from Lexa's embrace and walked out of their hiding place.

 ** _"Kostia! Kostia what are you doing?"_** Lexa whispered in shock. She was sure they were doomed.

"Hey, hey it's okay!" Costia calmed as she came in sight of the intruder.

"Costia?" the girl asked when realization hit her.

"Yeah, it's me," Costia confirmed with a smile, "hi, Maya."

Maya laughed happily and hugged Costia. "You are alive! When your mom came back without you… and then we never saw you again… my parents just assumed you were dead!"

"Well, I'm not," Costia chuckled but inside she felt horrible guilt. She knew she couldn't have shown herself, but she felt bad for not seeking out Maya's parents and letting them know she was okay. After everything they've done for her and her mother since she was born.

A thump was heard from behind them and Maya jumped in surprise.

"It's okay!" Costia promised, squeezing Maya's arm. "Alex, come out. Maya is a friend."

Lexa came to view, seeming doubtful and on edge.

"Maya, this is Lexa. She's my best friend," Costia introduced. "Alex, Maya's parents were my mom's best friends. They helped her getting me out of the mountain," she explained.

Lexa sighed in relief. This was clearly an ally, someone whose parents played a part in bringing Costia into her life. She was still scared of being caught. Maya was the first mountain person that she met in such close proximity. Except for Costia, of course, and that didn't turn out so bad, she had to admit.

"It's nice to meet you, Lexa," Maya said kindly, shyly.

"Yeah, you too," Lexa responded curtly and didn't say much more. She was still feeling uncomfortable and wished for them to leave as soon as possible.

"What are you doing here?" Costia asked her younger friend.

"I come here to listen to music," Maya admitted sheepishly. "Sometimes it feels like if I wanna know about how things used to be, I need to dig it up myself," she explained and Costia nodded in understanding. "You?" Maya inquired.

"We sneak in every now and then. We come here to look at the art, and sometimes pick movies. We saw one earlier today. We wanted to put it back before we left," Costia gestured at the rows and rows of shelves with tapes.

"There was a singing warthog." Lexa blurted awkwardly and Maya looked at her in confusion. Lexa didn't want to appear uncomfortable so she assumed saying something, anything, couldn't do any harm, but now she was re-considering that decision.

Costia looked at her like she thought Lexa was the most adorable thing in the world. Lexa's discomfort clearly appealed to Costia. She huffed to make her discontent known and Costia decided to have pity on her best friend and put her out of her misery.

"Maya, we have to go, I'm sorry," Costia apologized sincerely.

"Will I see you again?" Maya asked timidly and Lexa was hoping beyond hope Costia would say no. She then noticed Costia was observing her before she turned back to Maya.

"I don't think so," Costia admitted sadly, in guilt, Lexa realized. "Please tell your parents I am safe? And loved?" She turned to look at Lexa again and received a nod of confirmation and a little smile.

"I will," Maya promised. "I'm glad I got to see you again, to say goodbye."

"Me too," Costia leaned in to hug Maya and a moment later she took Lexa's hand in hers and together they left the room, Maya's eyes following them sadly until they were out of sight.

* * *

"So this was your best mountain friend, ah?" Lexa inquired innocently. "It makes sense. You're an **_okru_** , you need a best mountain friend and a best **_trikru_** friend," she shrugged.

Lexa was jealous. She didn't want to be, but she was. Try as she might, she couldn't compete with a mountain person over that part of Costia's life. All their visits to the mountain together would never measure up to the way someone who was born there, the same as Costia, could understand her friend.

Costia examined Lexa's profile. Lexa tried to pretend she didn't notice. She felt a hand in hers and a moment later her fingers were laced with Costia's. Costia looked straight ahead, though, as they kept walking.

"A best friend is someone who knows you better than anybody," Costia noted, still looking forward. "It's someone who listens to you and knows how you think, someone who goes through everything with you, good or bad. Someone who makes you feel safe and special," she stopped walking and turned to look at Lexa and swallowed hard. "I only have one of those," she declared confidently, locking eyes with Lexa to make sure her friend really heard her. "I will **always** have only one of those."

Under Costia's piercing gaze that tingly feeling Lexa felt earlier returned, and much stronger this time.

She gulped and nodded lightly. Costia gave her a reassuring smile and turned again as they continued their journey home.


	7. De Seken Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 _3 Months Later…_

 ** _"Get off your ass, little girl."_**

 ** _"You know that I hate when you call me that, Daddy,"_** Costia growled, however, she still did as she was instructed.

 ** _"Maybe I would be more inclined to listen if you weren't covered in mud,"_** he folded his arms across his chest with a challenging look on his face. Costia rolled her eyes.

 ** _"I'm covered in mud because you threw me into the mud,"_** she reminded flatly. She was by far the best warrior in Ton DC even if it wasn't exactly common knowledge, but when she was sparring with her father she might as well have been a leaf in the wind.

 ** _"I threw you into the mud because you exposed your stomach for one second too long,"_** he lectured.

 ** _"Thanks a lot, Anya, for taking my partner out on a little mission and leaving me to deal with this old man,"_** Costia whined loud enough for him to hear. It was very intentional.

 ** _"Who are you calling an old man? Back in the mud it is for you!"_** He lifted her up as if she weighed nothing and threw her into the exact same puddle.

 ** _"Daddy!"_** She pouted. **_"Was that really necessary?"_**

 ** _"Talent with a sword isn't everything, daughter. It's also important to work on your manners,"_** he told her with a glint in his eye and she tried to hide her smile. He saw her struggle and decided to break her. He sat right next to her, getting himself good and covered in mud as well. Then, he took a nice load of mud in his hand, and though Costia immediately realized what was coming it was too late as she got a handful of mud splashed right into her face.

 ** _"Why?"_** she squealed but started laughing straight after.

 ** _"Am I forgiven for the many lessons I have taught you today?"_** He asked in hope.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she confirmed without missing a breath. She enjoyed every moment she had with him. He loved her more than anything in the world and he wasn't hiding it.

 ** _"Do you still give Lexa a hard time when you fight?"_** He asked teasingly. She looked at him in shock. She was always being so careful. Of course he knew she was better than most, but better than the village's **_Natblida_**? Even Anya and Indra had only found out relatively recently and that was because Lexa was trying very hard to provoke her. Costia's other friends didn't know at all that between Lexa and herself, she usually ended the encounter victorious.

 ** _"How did you know?"_**

 ** _"Come on, Costia. You are my daughter. I taught you myself,"_** he reminded with a generous smile of pride across his face.

 ** _"Oh._** "

 ** _"Also I saw you in the forest once. Our friend seemed very grumpy when her face hit the sand,"_** he chuckled making Costia smirk.

 ** _"Don't let her hear you say that. She will be your Heda one day,"_** Costia dared.

 ** _"That she will,"_** Nardo agreed, **_"She's very special. But daughter, don't feel bad. You are good for her. She needs you. We all need someone who's just a little bit quicker than us. It keeps us on our toes,"_** he explained.

 ** _"Who keeps you on your toes, then?"_** She wondered.

 ** _"That was your mom. She was always quicker than me,"_** he admitted nostalgically.

 ** _"With her impressive fighting skills?"_** she asked doubtfully. She knew her mother for all of six years, but she was pretty sure that though a member of the mountain guard, a warrior her mother wasn't.

 ** _"No, silly, with her brain,"_** Nardo confessed making Costia snort. They looked at each other and burst into laughter that after a few moments turned into a comfortable silence.

 ** _"Daughter, I wanted to talk to you about something."_** Her father seemed uncharacteristically uncomfortable. He blushed. **_Nardo Kom trikru_** never blushed.

 ** _"Of course. What is it and why do you look like you are constipated?"_** She mocked, trying to lighten the mood. He wasn't laughing. **_"Nothing? This must be serious,"_** she concluded, now looking at him at full alert.

 ** _"I… Dara and I…"_** he tried, **_"Jok! This is hard."_**

 ** _"Who lacks manners now,"_** she scoffed at the profanity.

 ** _"Dara is pregnant,"_** he finally blurted out, immediately looking at her to garner her reaction.

Except there was none. Costia's face was completely blank.

 ** _"Daughter?"_** he tried in concern, wondering if he just made her brain shut down.

 ** _"Dara… is pregnant,"_** she repeated his words, still not giving away any feeling on the matter.

 ** _"Yes! And I know it must be a bit weird, and I know she only permanently moved into the bungalow not too long ago, but it's something we wanted and we are very happy,"_** he confessed excitedly, hoping to pass some of the positivity to his currently stoic daughter.

 ** _"I see,"_** she said with constraint, a pained expression on her face.

 ** _"Is this not happy news at all?"_** he questioned in disappointment. He was hoping that his daughter would love the idea of having a sibling, especially with Lexa's departure to Polis looming right around the corner.

 ** _"You told me great-grandfather was a Natblida,"_** she stated, quietly.

 ** _"Yes, so? What of it?"_** He was confused.

 ** _"What if the baby grows up to be one too?"_** she finally looked at him with fear radiating from her eyes. He now understood what was happening, or so he thought.

 ** _"There's no guarantee that the child will inherit the dark blood. My father didn't, I didn't, and neither did you,"_** he reminded soothingly. She looked at him weirdly, in a way that he didn't quite understand, and then she averted her gaze.

 ** _"But what if the baby does inherit it?"_** she almost whispered, her voice cracking.

 ** _"Then it will be a great honor,"_** he announced proudly.

She shook her head. **_"It will be a death sentence."_**

 ** _"Not to a child of mine,"_** he insisted stubbornly.

 ** _"What if this child grows up to fight Leksa?"_** She looked him in the eye and he could see she was on the verge of tears. It broke his heart. This was supposed to be happy news.

 ** _"Kostia, we can't always think about what-if. We can't always live in fear. We have to allow ourselves to live our lives fully. Otherwise, why do we even exist in this world?"_** He offered her a soft smile.

 ** _"I don't know why we exist in this world. We work so hard to ruin it every day,"_** she took a breath.

 ** _"Don't you want a brother or a sister?"_** he asked, looking at her sadly. She knew that he was right, and that she was still hiding parts of herself, and it was exhausting. She also knew she **did** want a brother or a sister.

 ** _"It'll be all right."_** He squeezed her closer to his body and dropped a kiss on her still-muddy head.

 ** _"You just put your face in mud,"_** she giggled, her voice muffled by his chest where her face was now buried.

 ** _"I'll live,"_** he shrugged, picking her up in one swoop and putting her back on the ground next to him so they could walk side by side. **_"Come on, let's head home."_**

 ** _"Can I tell Aleks?"_** She asked cautiously.

 ** _"Of course. She's family,"_** he answered with a smile.

They were walking back toward Ton DC just in time to catch up with Anya and Lexa. Lexa fell back to wait for her friend as Nardo's pace quickened to allow the friends a private conversation.

Lexa and Costia examined each other. Costia was covered in mud from top to bottom and Lexa was full of scratches and sported a black eye.

"Rough day?" Lexa chuckled.

"Not as rough as yours, clearly," Costia gave her a tiny, warm smile. Which Lexa mirrored. It was their way of saying "I missed you today."

* * *

Washed up and finally clean, Costia jumped on the bed next to Lexa who was reading a book.

"How was today?" Costia inquired softly. In the past year, which was Lexa's final one in Ton DC, Anya took her out as often as possible to get some time on the field, to actually fight and not just with a wooden sword. It was what Lexa needed, both girls knew, but it didn't mean they liked having less and less time to spend together when their separation was already around the corner.

"Ice nation," Lexa grunted and Costia gave her a gentle, sympathetic smile.

"I'm glad you are back and safe," Costia sighed.

"I killed a man today," Lexa swallowed hard at the admission and turned to look at Costia who noticed there was something new in Lexa's eyes, something sad. "It's the first time…" Lexa confessed and averted her eyes, looking down.

She didn't want to see the way Costia looked at her. She was afraid Costia would see her differently, as if somehow, she's spoiled now. She knew how Costia hated those things, in herself, in the world. Lexa couldn't blame her; things did feel much uglier now.

But Costia softly entwined their fingers instead, using her thumb to draw soothing circles on the inside of Lexa's palm." Lexa looked up in surprise, catching her friend's concerned look.

"You are still Alex," Costia offered simply, knowing what her friend must be thinking. "You had a job to do, you will **have** a job to do. This isn't the last time, I just want to know that you're okay. That's what matters to me," Costia clarified her point, eyebrows knitted.

"What I feel is… I don't know what I feel," Lexa sighed.

"That's okay," Costia assured and lowered herself so they could lie face to face, close enough so Lexa could get as much physical comfort as she needed.

"I didn't like it," Lexa confessed. "I ended someone today."

Costia nodded. She didn't know what to say, so she did the only thing that she could. She listened.

"And I know I had all the right reasons and I know it was him or me but…" Lexa chocked. "And I kept thinking what would you think if you saw me standing there, his blood staining my hands after I… after I slit his throat," she looked into Costia's eyes in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for Costia to realize she was now rotten after all.

"What I would think is – thank god she came back to me alive. And if you killed thousands of people, I'd still think the same every time," Costia vowed, going as far as actually placing her hand over her own chest.

"But you hate this," Lexa reminded in disbelief.

"But these are the cards we've been dealt," Costia smiled sadly. "And it's enough for me to know that my best friend is someone who cares, so much, that she might actually make a difference one day."

Lexa took a deep breath to process everything Costia just said and before she even realized it, she was pulled into Costia's arms for a tight embrace. She let herself relax into the familiar comfort, the familiar touch, the familiar smell.

Costia knew Lexa needed this more than any words. Just a reaffirmation that she wasn't seen differently, that she wasn't all of a sudden broken beyond repair.

 _I'm gonna miss this so much,_ Lexa thought, not realizing that her friend was thinking the exact same thing.

"Can we go to the mountain sometime next week?" Costia asked in a voice that was almost normal, but Lexa knew right away that something was wrong. She pulled out of the hug so she could see her friend's face.

"I'll see what Anya and Indra have in store, but at some point I think we can make it up there," Lexa provided gently while still examining Costia's face for answers. Her friend didn't give away anything. She was very good at not giving away things.

"Okay, I just want us to go as often as we can before you leave," Costia shrugged.

"Costia," Lexa sighed, she knew it was time, "I don't want you to go there without me, after I leave."

"But… I love it there," Costia objected. She seemed devastated by this revelation, but at the same time, not surprised and that gave Lexa some comfort. Lexa knew what she was about to make Costia do, and she knew **Costia** knew. Which meant Costia had started saying her goodbyes before today.

"I know you do but you shouldn't go alone and if anything happens to you…" Lexa shook her head. She couldn't even imagine that sort of a scenario. She wouldn't. She refused. "I am going to be in Polis, and I'm going to have to focus on training, and I need to know that you are safe, so, promise me."

Costia looked at her miserably. Lexa knew what she was asking of her best friend. She was asking her to say goodbye to both Lexa herself and to her other home, on the same day. It wasn't going to be an easy day for either of them when it finally arrived.

Costia gulped and looked away. Lexa saw a single tear trail down her cheek. **_"I promise,"_** she said weakly.

"Cos," Lexa put a hand on her friend's cheek, turning it gently so Costia faced her again. "What's wrong? Is it the mountain? Is it what I told you before about today? I feel like you've been on edge since before we got back to the village, so it has to be something else," Lexa concluded in concern. She was glad when Costia didn't look away. As a matter of fact, she gave her the most intense look before she finally spoke.

"Dara is pregnant," Costia finally reveled. "I'm going to have a little brother or a sister," she added flatly.

Lexa's eyes widened in joy. She always loved the younger kids and she knew that if the family was expanding, the family that all but adopted her, **she** was getting a sibling, too. "That's great…" she paused, looking oddly at Costia's lack of enthusiasm, "isn't it?" She especially needed some good news after the day she had.

"Yeah," Costia smiled unconvincingly, "great."

Lexa knew something was off. Costia wasn't doing the best job at hiding it, either, but Lexa still didn't understand what could possibly be making her friend so gloomy.

"I'm tired, Alex, can we go to sleep now?" Costia pleaded, hoping that Lexa would understand what Costia was asking between the lines and drop the subject, at least for the time being.

They looked at each other, searching with no words who needed more comfort tonight, who needed to be held. When they realized they were at a stalemate, Lexa put her hand on the pillow between them, Costia added hers on top, they laced their fingers and fell asleep facing each other.


	8. De Seken Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 _Two Months Later…_

"You should just take me with you. I'm your second, after all," Costia tried to make a casual joke, but Lexa recognized it for what it really was - an "I'll miss you" moment. They had a lot of those lately; some direct, some more subtle.

"No, you're not," Lexa countered, not in a harsh way, simply in confusion. She didn't have a second, though if she did get to pick one it would've obviously been Costia. _Maybe someday,_ she thought. If she became **_Heda_** she could surround herself with her own choice of warriors. _Costia would hate that job,_ Lexa knew and smirked over the thought.

Costia gave her the sincerest smile. "Your second half, Dummy," she clarified quietly but with a sparkling glint in her eyes.

Lexa provided her with a wide smile in return. Costia's point wasn't something she could argue with, nor did she want to.

"Which is not something any distance can change," Lexa noted with a solid nod. It was confirmation that they were in agreement on the matter.

They were sitting on a tree branch like so many times before, simply chatting, enjoying their last morning together, silently thanking the adults in their lives for giving them that time. They were also using this time for reflecting, acknowledging that they were adults now, too, or were about to be.

Something was changing today and it was unavoidable. Lexa was about to become an official novitiate, she was heading off to begin her training and she was going to dedicate all of her time to fulfilling her destiny. Costia was months away from becoming an older sister and she had to say goodbye to those last ties she had with her mother.

She was thinking just that, and also that it wasn't quite true, that her father was a tie to her mother, **the** tie to her mother, when Lexa examined the contemplative look on her face and spoke.

"Are you mad at me?" She inquired cautiously and even though she dreaded what Costia's eyes would reveal she refused to look away.

"No," Costia answered immediately, sincerely, and without looking away either.

 _How does she even know what I mean?_ Lexa wondered. _I don't even know what I mean. Am I asking about the mountain, am I asking about my leaving? Maybe all of it?_ But then she looked at Costia who was giving her the most compassionate look and she remembered. _She knows. She always knows._ It would've been disturbing if it wasn't so convenient.

"Alex, if the tables were turned, I would've asked the same of you," Costia admitted, "how can I be mad at you for doing what I would've done?"

But her friend didn't seem convinced.

"Look," she continued, "it's still there, the mountain. Just knowing that it exists… is enough for me."

Even more doubtful looks from her best friend.

Costia sighed. "I used to think the mountain was the only way for me to stay connected to my mom, but that's not true," Costia confessed softly which have seemed to finally engage Lexa.

"It's not," Lexa response was a mix of conviction and a question.

"No. First and foremost, I have father, who talks about her every now and again. He knew her in ways I think no one ever did," Costia got lost in the image of both her parents together, what they must've looked like, been like when they were young and in love.

Lexa nodded. She knew Costia was right. She knew Nardo worked very hard and very purposefully to make sure Costia knew things about her mother.

"And there are all the things we have dragged down from there over the years," Costia continued, "so if I wanna hear about her, I go to Daddy, if I want to be surrounded by her stuff I pull something out, and if I wanna talk about her I come to you," Costia concluded cheerfully and Lexa visibly relaxed.

"Another thing that will not change because of the distance," Lexa declared.

"Because I'll write to you all the time," Costia recited her promise to keep in touch, while rolling her eyes for comedic effect, "yes, I know."

They had this conversation about once a week for months now. Even more often than that as the day of the departure neared.

"Only if you want to," Lexa shrugged sheepishly, causing Costia to huff.

But she knew Lexa needed the reassurance, she knew that this day, which Lexa had been waiting for her whole life, wasn't as happy as her friend imagined it would be when she was younger. "I want to, Alex, of course I do. You know why?" Costia teased.

"Because… you are my second?" Lexa questioned, hopeful.

"Because I'm your second," Costia confirmed, bending her knees to her chest, crossing her elbows on them and leaning her head on her arms, giving Lexa a sideway glance and a sweet smile.

Lexa thought Costia looked adorable. She didn't say anything, she just smiled back at Costia, and wiggled her feet in the air. That's the kind of goodbye they wanted. Calm, silly, honest, and most importantly - together with each other and away from everyone else.

"I don't think we'll ever go there again, to the mountain I mean," Lexa shared quietly, sad to ruin the moment but knowing how important it was to say these things out loud so there would be no lingering doubts.

"I know," Costia confirmed in grim acceptance. "Don't find a new best friend over there, okay?" She smiled, but she didn't even pretend to be joking.

"Don't find a new best friend over here," Lexa whispered to her, throat dry.

"You are not easily replaced, **_Leksa kom trikru_** , so I'm not even gonna bother with trying," Costia scoffed. "I mean, who's my selection? Lincoln and Nyko?"

Lexa giggled. "Anya," she suggested, dragging Costia right into a little fit. "Now that I'm thinking about it, though, watch over her for me?" Lexa bit her lip contemplatively.

"I don't know if she needs watching," Costia noted.

"I think she does. I think she'll miss having a mentee," Lexa clarified.

"Fine, so I don't think she'd **want** watching," Costia smirked.

"Then be subtle!" Lexa scoffed. "Come on, **_Kostia kom okru_**! Must I tell you everything?" She asked, her voice hitching in fake exasperation.

"Oh, please, wise **_Heda_** -to-be, do tell all!" Costia pleaded, bowing her head in an exaggerated manner.

"If I must!" Lexa cleared her throat. "You, Costia from the house of Romanoff, first of your name…"

"We don't know that's true," Costia interrupted.

"Hush, child, a **_Heda_** -to-be is speaking," Lexa scolded.

"Of course, of course, your **_Heda_** ship, apologies," Costia was quick to say.

"You are incredible," Lexa continued, half a smile on her face, dropping all pretence and façade.

"Alex…" Costia warned, a blush starting to rise up her face.

"No, Cos, I need to say this," Lexa insisted. "I don't know how things are gonna turn out. I mean, starting today, nothing is certain, and I realize that nothing was ever truly certain since I lost my parents, but there was one constant, and it was you," Lexa took a breath. Costia didn't know what to say, but she kept her unofficial promise of not interrupting. "And I have loved every second of it," Lexa swore.

"Even the second when I nearly killed you with a bangarang?" Costia chuckled, she couldn't help herself.

"Yes, even when you nearly destroyed me with a **boomerang** ," Lexa insisted. They clarified that pronunciation mistake long ago, yet every time the memory was rehashed Costia stubbornly-adorably maintained the false name. "You are gonna stay my constant," Lexa resumed, speaking full of emotion. "Because I think I'm better when I'm with you, and you believe I can do anything…"

"You **can** do anything," Costia insisted.

"I believe that, thanks to you. And I want you to remember that I believe in you, too, and I know it can be hard sometimes, and I know there's always a piece of you that might be missing, but you can do anything, too, and just know… know that I love you, more than anything, okay?" she nearly begged, it was so important to her that Costia would know just how important she was in her life, just how amazing Lexa thought she was.

Costia looked at her in awe, she was breathless.

"I love you, too, Alex. So **so** much. And you are my constant, too," she vowed with a nod, as if to stress the point.

"You have your family, though," Lexa said, now wiping a tear away. She was overtaken by sadness all of a sudden and Costia could tell. She grabbed both of Lexa's hands in hers.

"I have **our** family," she corrected, "and before I had any of them, right when I though I wouldn't have anything ever again, I then had you," she swallowed hard, chocked up with emotion. "Do you understand?"

Lexa looked in her friend's eyes, seeing the truth of the words, seeing in them something so deep and yet she couldn't put a name to it.

"I'm gonna miss so much," she blurted, taking a deep breath.

"But you're gonna gain so much, too. And I'm… **we** are always here. You always have a family, okay? I mean it, Alex, I want to hear you say it," Costia demanded. "You always have somewhere to come back to."

"I always have somewhere to come back to," Lexa obeyed with a chuckle. She felt so lucky and extremely grateful. _That's why you are my constant_.

* * *

 ** _"Come on, Leksa, it's time,"_** Indra rushed for the umpteenth time.

 ** _"But I feel like I'm missing something,"_** Lexa whined and picked up her pillow to look under it one more time.

 ** _"You are missing Kostia. And she's right outside. And you just saw her five minutes ago,"_** Indra groaned, making Anya snort. **_"Are you going to help expedite this process at all?"_** Indra questioned her colleague.

 ** _"No,"_** Anya replied without elaborating, but it was enough to make Lexa give her a sympathetic smile. They were all losing something today and Anya wasn't an exception. Except that Lexa was the only one who gained something new, she realized suddenly, everyone else, the ones whom she was leaving behind, were just losing something.

 ** _"Great,"_** Indra threw her hands in the air in frustration.

 ** _"It's okay Indra, you are probably right,"_** Lexa agreed solemnly. **_"It's time."_**

Indra was relieved. It was better coming from Lexa. At some point Indra knew she would've had to step in and force them to leave. She wanted that final step of their departure to be Lexa's choice. She was a nine-years-old girl who was leaving her home and loved ones behind as a first step of possibly becoming the future leader of the clans. Lexa had to show that strength of character, the ability to leave something precious behind, to put her duty first.

They stepped out to where Costia, Nardo and a visibly pregnant Dara were waiting for them.

"What's that?" Lexa asked, pointing at the leather bag Costia was holding. She assumed it was for her but she couldn't figure out what it might be.

"A couple of items that I thought you might forget," Costia shrugged, casually gesturing toward all of the adults surrounding them.

 _Mountain stuff,_ Lexa knew right away. She took a step toward Costia and peeked into the bag.

An atlas and a pair of binoculars. She gasped.

"Cos… I can't," she objected through gritted teeth, trying to keep her voice low. "These are yours."

Costia rolled her eyes. "Lex, these were always yours. I pretty much said so. And think practically," she smirked, "you need those. Maps for strategy, eyes for that tower. No one ever needs to know how you got the binoculars. It's a gift, it's an inheritance, it's something you've found, whatever."

 ** _"What are you guys going on and on about?"_** Indra became exasperated all over again.

"Nothing!" they chimed in sync.

 ** _"Time to go, Leksa,"_** Anya finally intervened. Lexa nodded and they all started walking toward the exit of the village to their waiting horses.

As they arrived, Indra was quick to hop on her horse. Lexa turned around and looked at the people who had been **her** people for the last several years. Dara was all teary-eyed and was the first one to grab Lexa and pull her into a hug.

 _Am I not supposed to let her do that? Should I be all Commander-like?_ Lexa wondered. What exactly was Commander-like, anyway?

But she couldn't bring herself to back away. She was about to give up so much, she wasn't going to give this up, too.

 ** _"Don't squeeze her too hard, Woman,"_** Nardo joked, **_"leave something for me."_**

Costia rolled her eyes but Lexa could see a clear yet hidden smile on her friend's lips just as she was pulled into another embrace, but this time a bone crushing one, from Nardo.

 ** _"It's yours, little girl, it's yours,"_** he said in full faith and it was then that Lexa felt her eyes starting to sting as well. She tried as hard as she could to suck the tears back in which was physically impossible. She gave Nardo one last squeeze and moved to Anya who either didn't notice Lexa's glassy eyes or pretended not to. Either way, Lexa was grateful as they nodded to each other in understanding. Hugging wasn't something they did, but the look in Anya's eyes was so intense, and just as Lexa was about to move on to Costia, Anya reached out her arm for a shake.

 ** _"You go and make me proud,"_** Anya ordered flatly.

 ** _"I promise."_**

Anya gave her another last nod and turned to walk back into Ton DC. Nardo and Dara decided to follow suit, leaving Indra, Lexa, and Costia alone.

"Bye, I guess," Costia offered a sad smile with her arms wrapped tight around her own body, she was hugging herself, keeping herself from splitting at the seams.

"Bye, **for now** ," Lexa corrected and Costia nodded sadly in agreement. "Costia…" Lexa started but before she could say whatever it was she wanted to say, she found herself being hugged by her best friend.

"Be safe," Costia whispered in her ear.

"You too," Lexa spoke strongly as they broke the hug and she hopped on the horse.

 ** _"Indra, you take care of her and you take care of yourself,"_** Costia ordered from her stance beneath the horses.

Indra smirked. It may have been an order but it was born out of total concern and care.

"I will," she responded in English to the amazement of both Lexa and Costia. They didn't think they ever heard her speak in English and it warmed Costia's heart to know that Indra did it for her, for the other part of her, the mountain part of her, that Indra seemed to have accepted.

"Thank you," Costia gestured with her head respectfully, and in the blink of an eye, Indra was off followed by Lexa who looked back for a few more moments, giving Costia a last smile before she turned forward and rode away.

Costia was staring at them for a several moments, seeing them gathering distance. It was in that moment that she broke down in tears and ran after the horses.

"Alex!" she called after them. "Alex!"

Lexa heard her clear as day. Maybe she anticipated this and **wanted** to hear her. Maybe she was waiting for her.

She gave Indra a look, requesting silently for another moment. Indra smiled at Costia who by that point caught up with them. She rode ahead, leaving the two girls behind.

Lexa got off the horse and saw her friend was a mix of sweat and tears. She closed her eyes and tried as hard as she could to not fall apart. She never thought she could feel **so** torn about leaving.

"Thank you for finding me all those years ago and bringing me home," Costia said, voice hoarse, making Lexa open her eyes and lock her gaze with Costia's. "Thank you for **being** home," Costia added, seeming like she was going to start crying again.

"You are my home, too," Lexa's voiced cracked. She looked at Costia with so much emotion in her eyes, then she leaned in and kissed Costia's cheek. As she pulled away she leaned her forehead on Costia's. They shared a quiet moment. A moment of understanding, of shared fears, before she pulled away and brought Costia in for a tight, final hug.

They stayed in the embrace until it was time for each to go quietly and wordlessly in an opposite direction.

* * *

Notes:

"Bye, for now" - I like this because in a way it's Lexa saying a variation of "until we meet again," at a very young age and I like having these parallels that make you feel that at some point in the future, when she say similar words, it's much more emotionally loaded for her.


	9. De Seken Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

She was examining the faces around her. They were six altogether, herself included. Three more seemed about her age while the last two seemed a bit older.

 ** _"Today we are welcoming a new Natblida into our class_** , **_Leksa kom trikru,"_** their teacher announced in an official tone. His name was Titus and she met him the night before when she and Indra arrived at the city. Lexa was to stay in the tower, like the rest of the **_Natblida_** , while Indra got a room one floor below. Lexa's first lesson was that the more important you were, the higher the floor you were put in, all the way to the top where Waldron, the **_Heda_** sat on his throne.

 ** _"And as we do when a new Natblida arrives,"_** her teacher continued, pulling her out of her reverie, **_"each one of you will say their name, where they are from, welcome our new member and tell the rest of us when and how they were discovered as Natblida. Who wants to start?"_**

 ** _"I will!"_** one boy who seemed close to Lexa in age announced. **_"I'm Eli kom ouskejon kru_** ** _. Mounin_** ** _, Leksa,"_** he nodded at her with a smile as he welcomed her. She nodded back. **_"I was discovered at the age of four when my older brother punched me in the face,"_** he admitted, gaining laughter from the rest.

 ** _"I am Garrick kom trikru,"_** the boy to Eli's right, a couple years older it seemed, introduced proudly, happy to see another **_trikru_**. Lexa was sharing the sentiment, smiling at him just as he proceeded with **_"Mounin, Leksa. I was discovered when I was one year old, as I was scratching a mosquito bite,"_** again the rest were laughing. The only one who remained stoic through it all was Titus.

 _But at least he doesn't seem to mind,_ Lexa thought.

 ** _"I am Allana kom ouskejon kru. Mounin, Leksa,"_** the other girl who seemed closer to her age bowed her head. **_"I was discovered at the age of three when I was playing with my mother's knives while she was cooking,"_** she presented her right hand palm to show the scar which Lexa thought was pretty cool.

 ** _"I am Fid kom Boudalan_** ** _. Mounin, Leksa."_** He was the oldest one among them, in his early teens, probably fourteen. Lexa knew it made him the leading candidate to be the Commander's successor based on physical advantage alone. By the way he carried himself, by his tone, it was clear he was aware of these facts as well. **_"I was discovered when I was six months old. I crawled outside my home and tried to play with a porcupine. Not good,"_** he was joking and the rest joined him.

 ** _"I am Myr kom Floudonkru_** ** _. Mounin, Leksa,"_** smiled the last girl who was sitting right next to her, the third one who seemed around Lexa's age. **_"I was discovered the day I was born. It was a complicated birth, my mother passed and I almost died as well."_**

Based on Myr's tone Lexa knew she wasn't saying it to gain sympathy, just like Lexa herself, the loss of Myr's mother was a fact. But Lexa still said **_"I'm sorry,"_** as sympathetically as she could.

Titus took note. Compassion was one of the three pillars of the Commander.

Lexa took a deep breath. It was her turn and she was grateful to be saved for last.

 ** _"I am Leksa kom trikru. I was discovered when I was two years old. I stepped on a sharp stone,"_** she told sheepishly. Her story wasn't especially funny, or impressive, but it didn't have to be, she realized with pride. Everyone was saying their welcomes again and it finally hit her that she was happy to be there, happy to start her training, to start the rest of her life, as long as that may be. As she smiled at the realization she looked over her shoulder, searching for the person she was always looking for to share a moment of happiness with. But that was the force of habit, and Costia wasn't there to share the moment for the first time since Lexa was six years old. Her face fell.

Not too far from there Indra stood, quietly watching Lexa, noticing the change in her expression and demeanor. Indra was wondering how long before that stopped happening. Something told her that maybe it never would.

* * *

He was airborne for a few seconds. It was such a short ride, and yet he still managed to think _how can such a small creature throw so high?_ He had another moment to bask in the feeling of freedom that the soaring gave him before he started falling, quickly landing in an especially gross looking swamp puddle.

It made a huge splash and when Lincoln finally looked up he saw Costia, red in her cheeks, standing with her arms crossed on her chest, glaring at him.

 ** _"Are we done now?"_** she demanded.

She really did expect him to stay down this time, but he didn't, he never did for too long. Instead he jumped to his feet and stated **_"No. One more!"_**

 ** _"Again?"_** she shook her head in disbelief. **_"This is getting really embarrassing."_**

 ** _"Ge smak daun, guom op nodotaim,"_** he shrugged and lunched at her.

She rolled her eyes, ducked right before he hit her, and used her shoulder to flip him over her back and onto the ground. He slammed heavily, groaning, and she walked around him and put her foot on his chest.

 ** _"Thank you,"_** she sighed and looked away, slightly embarrassed.

 ** _"Why are you thanking me?"_** he wondered in surprise.

 ** _"My best friend is gone. You are trying to keep me occupied so I don't think too much,"_** she shrugged. **_"That's why you've been willing to eat so much dirt today. Because you are a good friend, so… thank you,"_** she concluded but made sure to look at him this time, so he knew how much it meant to her.

 ** _"When did you realize?"_** he huffed in annoyance, but when she smiled at him in gratitude he smiled right back.

 ** _"Probably between face in the dirt number two and flat on the back number four,"_** she admitted with a smirk. **_"But I think it's time I stop breaking you because your mom would kill me. And also because I'm going to need a lot more distractions in the foreseeable future,"_** she concluded bitterly, offering him her hand so he could get up. **_"Are you okay to walk?"_** she inquired in concern, **_"Did I over do it?"_** She gave him the once-over to make sure she didn't do any lasting damage.

 ** _"Kostia, stop, I'm fine. I'm not proud enough to avoid begging when you get too intense,"_** he chuckled and she visibly relaxed.

" ** _Thanks,_** " she repeated quietly, offering him a soft half a smile.

"Hey, I always got your back, okay?" he switched to her preferred language, now wanting **her** to know just how much he meant it. "Always."

* * *

 ** _"And so, a Natblida is discovered. He or she are assigned a mentor, a warrior,"_** Titus explained to his class. They all knew that, some sat through this class for the fifth time now since they had it every time a new recruit arrived, but they tried to appear respectful nonetheless. **_"In addition they are also assigned an advisor, usually someone important within the Natblida's own community of origin. Together, both mentors are to care and prepare the Natblida both emotionally, physically and in terms of knowledge and education until you reach the age of nine. The advisor accompanies you to Polis and stays with you until the conclave, if you are Heda and so you please, even beyond that,"_** he concluded and Lexa couldn't help but thinking how grateful she was that Indra was there with her, that little piece of home in the form of a grumpy yet not-so-secretly-kind-and-carrying woman. Indra was loyal, and honorable, and Lexa knew that as far as advisors and mentors go, she lucked out. She already missed Anya.

 ** _"Now, Leksa,"_** Titus continued and turned to the only one among the class who haven't answered the question before, **_"can you tell me why Natblidas are left at their homes instead of coming straight to Polis upon their discovery?"_**

He heard every possible answer to that question, and he was wondering what the newest novitiate would say. She didn't speak much since her arrival the day before, but her eyes were the wisest he had ever seen in such a young person.

Lexa on her part was staring at everyone else around her. They all seemed encouraging. Essentially, they were all competitors, but it didn't feel like that. Everyone who was there felt like it was the greatest honor. They weren't enemies, they meant to compete with one another sometime in the unknown future. But what were they until then? Friends, maybe? A family?

With this new found realization Lexa took a breath and calmly thought about what she was asked. No one seemed keen on rushing her. It wasn't a simple question. She was trying to think about all the things that home meant to her. In order to know how staying at home benefited her, she knew she needed to understand what home was.

Home was the smell of trees, and fire. Home was fresh bread on the table every morning. It was Nardo who would smile at her every evening when she came back from training and offer her food and good conversation. It was Anya and Indra with their unlimited knowledge of strategy and the harsh truths of life and survival. It was watching other kids her age and knowing she can never be exactly like them. It was Costia, above all. Falling from a tree with Costia, falling into a puddle with Costia, running to the top of the mountain with Costia. Sparring with Costia and ending up seeing the ground from way too close. Smelling fresh rain together between the cracks in the ground.

 ** _"In order to lead…"_** she started, trying to form her words in a way that would make sense to both herself and her captive audience. Everyone was alert, listening closely. **_"In order to lead well, you have to live a while among your people. Know who they are, their dreams and their wants, their hardships. Let them teach you who you are. Spend time thinking how to help them achieve their dreams and wants, solve their hardships. Polis seems incredible,"_** Lexa looked at Titus apologetically, **_"and it has all sorts of people, but it's not going to tell me what I need to know about my subject who lives on the verge of the forest, right below the mountain, and bakes bread for a living,"_** she concluded, hoping she didn't get herself into trouble.

Titus pierced her with his eyes, but she refused to back down. _If he doesn't like my answer, that's okay, but I stand by it. I'm here to become a leader, not to fear my teacher's reaction to my opinion._

But Titus didn't say anything. He nodded at her as if to say her answer has been heard, and seemed ready to move on to the next thing.

When Titus asked his novitiates this question, he was hoping they were thinking about home and what home symbolized for them and let the answer grow from that notion.

In Lexa's case, he realized, it seemed that whatever home was for her, it was the kind of place that made her the person she currently was, **allowed** her to be the person she currently was. And that person was the kind of person who answered Titus' question with what he considered to be the right answer. The answer that no novitiate ever gave him. Not until Lexa.

* * *

Notes:

1. _ **Ouskejon kru**_ – the "Blue Cliff clan" in **_Trigedasleng._**

2. _ **Mounin**_ \- Welcome in **_Trigedasleng._**

3. ** _Boudalan_** – The "Rock Line clan" in **_Trigedasleng._**

4\. **_Floudonkru_** – "Boat People clan" in **_Trigedasleng._**

5. ** _Ge smak daun, guom op nodotaim_** \- "Get knocked down get back up" in **_Trigedasleng._** I loved having him say it years before he says it in canon, so we see it's an integral part of who he is, how he lives his life.

6\. Lincoln saying he always has Costia's back - this is an important, fundamental moment because (big spoiler ahead for later) he was the one to back her up when the Ice Nation kidnapped her, which is why after the abduction he always felt like he failed her, broke his vow to her.

7\. Titus' explanation about what happens once a **_Natblida_** is found fills some gaps for us when it comes to the rituals and aftermath surrounding a Nighblood's discovery. But just so we're clear, I made it all up to fit what we later learn in canon.


	10. De Seken Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 _Six Months Later…_

Costia kept her promise of writing to Lexa at least once a week, telling her everything and anything that was happening in Ton DC.

She wrote about Dara ("Lex, she's so ridiculously huge, you'd think she's having twins! Do not tell her I said that!") She wrote about sparring with Lincoln ("Embarrassing. You deprived me of a worthy opponent and I'm stuck with leftovers,") or Nyko ("he's getting really good at this whole healer thing. Dad had a gas problem and Nyk gave him something that really helped. Don't tell dad I said that!") Or Anya ("still grumpy, she needs a new pet,") and other small tidbits like the fact that Dara was teaching her how to make bread, or that people were complaining as always about their village chief, or that there seem to be an increase in the number of Reapers, and so on.

Lexa corresponded with Nardo and Dara as well, and on a very rare occasion she got a dry note from Anya which was enough to tell her just how much Anya cared. But Costia's letters were naturally her favorites.

She rushed to her room every evening after the day's classes with the hope of finding a letter on her bed. Sometimes she got two or three a week from her best friend and it still didn't feel like enough. It made Lexa realize that instead of letting the distance pull them apart, they were growing even closer.

Just like Costia shared every tiny detail about the happenings at Ton DC, Lexa told her all about Polis and her classes and what she was learning. Lexa really liked everyone in her class. Fid could've been a bit much at times, being the oldest and all, but other than that they were an interesting and kind bunch. She could talk to them about **_Natblida_** business, they really got **_Natblida_** business, but Costia got **her**. She knew Lexa through and through. When Lexa shared a frustration, Costia understood straight away. When Lexa had a rough day at class or clashed with one of her classmates, it was Costia she turned to in the form of a letter. The **_Natblida_** had to share so much with one another. A teacher, the **_Heda_** 's attention, a floor at the same building, and an unknown fate. Sometimes it felt a bit crowded. But Costia? Costia was hers and hers alone and when things got so muddled together after spending days in on out with the same people, and Lexa wasn't even sure who she was anymore, Costia reminded her.

And Lexa missed her, all the time. She couldn't help but wonder every now and again how their lives would've looked like if she didn't have to leave, if she wasn't a Nightblood, if Costia didn't have to be the best friend of a Nightblood.

 _But then we would not be us, and everything would've been different,_ she knew.

She was sitting on her bed, showered, enjoying her own nice smell which she was only able to indulge in at night, and was reading Costia's latest letter.

"And so, I regret to inform you, **_Leksa kom trikru_** , **_Heda_** to be, best friend and second half, that it'll probably be a little bit longer than usual until my next letter. I'm really sorry, Alex. Dara is ready to pop at any moment now and she and daddy are driving me mad. I know they're going to need some help when the baby is born, but I promise you, as soon as I can, I'll send you a letter with all the gory details about the human birth. No longer than a week of silence, I swear. I'll write it in my sleep if I must.

I wish you could be here to meet **our** new brother or sister. It'll be much harder for me to come and visit now. I should've insisted on doing it sooner but there always seem to be something urgent to do before the baby arrives. Maybe I should just sneak out before the birth and hide in your room for a month or two? That's not very sisterly, though, is it? Maybe you can dress as a water girl and sneak out? That Titus person wouldn't like that very much and you wouldn't be teacher's pet anymore. And I know how much that's important to you. Yes, I am most definitely giving you an evil smile right now.

I miss you. We have to find a way to see each other soon. I need to go help daddy collect some wood for the fire.

I love you. Don't get stabbed in the face."

Lexa put the letter down, sporting a big hearty smile. It turned into a frown moments after. A baby was about to be born into Costia's family, the family that took her in, and she was in Polis, working to become a leader, but missing out on life.

She contemplated asking Titus for a couple of days away from Polis to go and be there for the birth, or soon after. She shook her head remembering Titus words about personal ties and how they weaken the Commander.

She may have not accepted his views on the matter, may have thought things were not so black and white, but she knew the man who was preaching to them about creating emotional distance wouldn't look kindly on her request.

 _A week. I can go a week,_ she thought. _A week and then some good news._

* * *

 ** _"Push!"_** Kay was encouraging poor Dara.

Nardo, Nyko and Costia were all standing on the other side of the room, completely entranced but also terrified.

 ** _"Is this really what you want to do with your life?"_** Costia gave Nyko the kind of look that very clearly said "why would you willingly subject yourself to this?"

 ** _"I'm having second thoughts,"_** he admitted just as Dara screamed in pain once more.

 ** _"Daddy!"_** Costia scolded. **_"Go to her! Hold her damn hand!"_**

 ** _"No!"_** Dara objected between one painful breath and another. **_"Not him. You!"_**

 ** _"Me?"_** Costia blurted, petrified. **_"But I have such delicate hands, girl hands!"_** She tried her luck.

 ** _"You heard her,"_** Nardo stated smugly, **_"she wants you and the pregnant lady gets what she wants."_**

Costia gulped, but nodded and started to walk, albeit extremely slowly, toward the bed on which Dara was yelping and crying. Her father gave her a **very** encouraging shove and she glared at him in return. He looked at her all innocent like and she huffed and took her place by Dara's side, grabbing her clammy hand.

 ** _"Push!"_** Kay repeated, and Dara squeezed Costia's hand so hard Costia had to bite her lips so she wouldn't scream in unison with Dara. She could feel herself drawing blood and she was quick to lick her lips.

 ** _"Yes, yes, I need to push! I know!"_** Dara growled in frustration, ** _"That's what you've been telling me to do for the last hour so I think I know that by no…"_**

 ** _"I see the head!"_** Kay cut her off.

 ** _"That's it,"_** Nyko declared, **_"I'm out. This is what midwifes are for!"_** he turned around to leave the room but Kay stopped him.

 ** _"Don't you dare leave!"_** She barked. **_"You wanted to be a healer's apprentice, that's what you get. Now, as a punishment, move closer, stand by my side,"_** she ordered.

Nardo was laughing from his post by the far end of the unfolding events, while Nyko, whose face went completely white, walked bravely to where Kay wanted him.

 ** _"Now follow what I'm doing carefully,"_** she demanded.

 ** _"What you are doing?"_** Dara yelled, **_"I'm doing all the hard work here!"_**

Nyko looked at Costia miserably. **_"You are lucky, you are not seeing it from this angle,"_** he whined.

 ** _"Shut up!"_** Both Dara and Kay shouted in unison. **_"And you…"_** Kay turned to Dara. Costia never seen the woman looking so intimidating, she gulped and Kay's wrath wasn't even directed at her. **_"I am here to deliver your child. You do as I say even if it means listening to me repeat the same word for three more hours. And don't be a bully, only I can be a bully when I'm in charge!"_** she concluded and Costia was certain Dara would fall in line.

Instead, Costia could see the rage pouring out of Dara's eyes. **_"Three more hours? No! This baby is coming out right now!"_** She determined and locked Costia's hand so hard that Costia's eyes started to burn.

Dara pushed as hard as she could while Costia was mentally saying goodbye to her hand.

 _Your fight is over, hand._

 _All the flowers I could've picked;_

 _All the pages I could've flipped._

 _I will never pick up a sword again._

 _Lex is going to be disappointed._

 ** _"Almost! One more, Dara, just one more!"_** Kay promised encouragingly to the miserable, sweaty woman who did as she was asked with a last heavy breath and a last deadly grip of Costia's hand.

 ** _"You did it!"_** Kay announced excitedly, **_"It's a baby boy! Nyko, hold the baby for a seco… Nyko?"_**

She found him on the floor passed out. Costia shook her hand in disapproval, as well as her hand, now freed from misery.

 ** _"Oh, the miracle of life,"_** Nardo sighed in joy and stepped over Nyko's body to grab the baby. Costia was about ready to burn holes in him with her eyes. But as he came around the bed and stood next to her and to the now exhausted but smiling new mother, Costia couldn't stay upset with him. She was too transfixed by the new person in her life.

 ** _"Hey there, little boy,"_** Nardo cooed. **_"We are so glad you are here. This is your mother, and this teary wuss is your sister."_**

She looked at her father, but his comment had no bite, and her eyes were glistening with tears of joy.

* * *

 ** _"What are the three pillars of being a Commander?"_** They were sitting in a semi circle in front of Waldron's throne. His classes were Lexa's favorite. She learned a lot from Titus, on so many levels, in so many ways, but who was best suited to teach them how to be the Commander if not the Commander himself?

Her hand shot up into the air. She knew this. She always did.

 ** _"Yes, Leksa,"_** the Commander allowed and she wasn't sure but she thought she saw a ghost of a knowing smile on his face.

 ** _"Wisdom, strength, and compassion,"_** she replied in confidence. Every time that she thought about those pillars, she kept compassion for last. It was her favorite.

 ** _"Very good,"_** Waldron confirmed and moved on to the next question.

Not too far, by the entrance to the room, Titus was standing and observing the young novitiates.

Indra walked in and stood by him. **_"Titus,"_** she nodded in respect, he nodded right back.

They were watching the ongoing class for a few more moments. Lexa answered another question correctly making Indra smile in pride.

 ** _"You have done well with her, Indra,"_** Titus acknowledged. **_"She is the most promising student in her class. She's only been here six months and she's already the most promising student I have ever had,"_** he admitted softly.

 ** _"Leksa is very special,"_** Indra agreed, thinking that it wasn't just her doing. There was Anya, there was Lexa's family, there was Costia, and above all, there was Lexa herself. She was made for this.

 ** _"She's focused, very talented with a sword, extremely wise,"_** Titus noted. _Most importantly, she has that rare spark. A spark could start a fire, grow into a flame,_ he knew. **_"But I can't help feeling that something is missing,"_** he shared his conclusion, ** _"something is blocking her from achieving her full potential."_**

 _He's asking for an advice,_ Indra realized. She knew what he meant, she also knew what was missing, but she didn't think he'd like her reply very much.

 ** _"If you are asking for my honest opinion, Fleimkepa, it's her best friend."_** Indra almost said that Lexa was clearly missing her best friend, but she decided against that phrasing. **_"I think it's worth considering bringing her best friend to Polis,"_** she added cautiously. **_"They always brought out the best in one another. Costia's presence would be a good influence. It will have a positive effect, of that I'm sure,"_ ** she summarized, seeing immediately that her conversation partner was ready to object.

 ** _"The privilege of accompanying a Natblida in Polis is reserved for family and advisors alone,"_** he stated coldly. He didn't like seeing the novitiates being so emotionally attached, but since some of them were destined to die, and at the Commander's orders, one family member was allowed to come to Polis with the Nightblood, to share the novitiate's quarters until they either ascended, or died at the conclave.

 ** _"This girl may as well be her family,"_** Indra insisted, ** _"Kostia's father took Leksa in years ago."_**

 ** _"You speak of Nardo's girl?"_** Titus inquired, his curiosity peaked, wondering if having the warrior's daughter around would be beneficial. He was torn between doing what tradition demanded and doing what might help Lexa soar.

 ** _"Yes,"_** Indra confirmed simply, thinking that she may have actually managed to convince him.

 ** _"This is quite unorthodox,"_** he pointed out and Indra could see his struggle on the matter even though he was trying to mask it. **_"But ultimately…"_** he started, hesitantly, **_"it's Leksa's choice."_**

 ** _"Leksa is trying to do right, to follow the rules. I don't think she'd even entertain that she has that choice, Fleimkepa. Like you said, it's a bit unorthodox,"_** Indra provided, trying to not sound disrespectful. **_"Maybe she should be given the offer."_**

 ** _"Maybe,"_** he said, staring straight at the semi circle in front of them, not giving any thought away. **_"Maybe."_ **

* * *

Lexa was so exhausted when she walked into her room that she didn't even bother to look at her bed. She just dragged herself toward it, closing her eyes before her body even hit the mattress. She lay flat on her stomach realizing that her face hit something, a piece of paper.

All of a sudden she was completely alert. She got up and laughed in joy when she saw a letter from Costia.

 _Has it really been a week already?_

She ripped the envelope open and two pieces of paper fell out. She could already see it was a relatively short letter, but she didn't care. It was Costia's handwriting, and Costia's words, and at that moment it was all Lexa needed. She started reading.

"Lex, I'm sorry this is so short, I'll write more in the next few days, I promise. But in the meantime, I wanted you to at least have this. Everyone here send their love and kisses. Even Anya, I forced her to say that she misses you so I hope you find some solace in that.

Lexa giggled as the image of Costia chasing after Anya and making her talk about her feelings popped into Lexa's head. She loved her ridiculous best friend, so much.

See below. I also attached a copy of disturbing anatomical evidence I found in one of mom's books so you can feel like you were right there with us to share that joyful yet traumatic experience.

And then there was one of Costia's famous poems.

We have a little brother,

He wishes you were here,

Though the birth was very graphic,

So you'd run away in fear,

I'll add a drawing just for fun,

Oh, you fair maiden,

The sleepless nights have just begun

And the baby's name is Aden.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Huge spoiler – the moment when Costia licks her bleeding lips - to those of you who already know the story, this is one of the more subtle moments (god knows they were way less subtle moments) of Costia hiding her being a Nightblood. But think about what's behind it and the fact that even in moments like this, she constantly had to live with her guard up to maintain that secret.

2\. "What are the three pillars of being a Commander?" - We've seen Lexa do it in the future for **her** novitiates. I loved the opportunity of showing the day on which **she** had that same lesson as a novitiate.

3\. "she was made for this" - And Lexa says so about herself, to Clarke, later on in canon.

4\. Titus saying Indra's idea is quite unorthodox - Unorthodox is a Calzona fic of mine. I had to do a little name dropping.


	11. De Seken Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 _Six Months Later…_

They were riding in the familiar woods, side by side. Every now and then Indra chanced a quick glance at Lexa. It'd been hours since Lexa uttered a single word and though Indra wasn't usually in a need of small talk, they've been traveling for a while and Lexa's behavior was unnerving.

 ** _"Are you alright?"_** Indra tried to engage her quieter-than-usual mentee.

 ** _"Yeah,"_** Lexa replied, she clearly forgot Indra was by her side, **_"just anxious."_**

 ** _"We will put things in order and you'll return to Polis with good news,"_** Indra promised, but that wasn't entirely what Lexa was worried about.

 ** _"We might have to stay a few months before that happens,"_** Lexa pointed out, her voice void of any emotion.

 ** _"Is that a burden or a wish?"_** Indra inquired with genuine curiosity. Lexa gave her an uncertain look but didn't reply.

They were close now. A few more minutes and she'd be able to see the gates. A few more minutes and she'd be home. To see her loved ones, to deal with the Ice Nation. She took a deep breath and with the click of her heel, she encouraged her horse to trot a little bit faster.

As the village came into view, so did the short girl standing right by it, leaning casually on one of the pillars, waiting.

Lexa gasped the moment she recognized the familiar face. She laughed lightly as they reached the smiling girl on the ground. Lexa had been waiting for this moment for an entire year.

 ** _"What are you doing outside alone in a time like this?"_** Indra investigated disapprovingly.

 ** _"I missed you, too, Indra,"_** Costia smirked, making Indra huff. Lexa, on her part, was trying to hide her own smirk.

 ** _"Go on, Indra, we'll be another moment,"_** Lexa requested using a gentle tone.

Something had shifted between Indra and herself in the last few months. Indra slowly but surely put herself in the position of doing as Lexa asked of her and not the other way around.

Indra looked between the two girls, sighed, and continued leading her horse through the village's gate.

"She is right, you know," Lexa said in a daring tone.

"Is she? How about you get off your high horse and tell me all about it?" Costia blinked, trying to block the sun with her hand.

Lexa chuckled and did as she was told. She never chuckled anymore. Being home already felt great. She walked a few steps toward Costia. They were now standing face to face in close proximity. Lexa gained a few inches during their year apart, Costia did not.

They didn't say a word, they were just standing there, smiling at each other, getting reacquainted with each other's faces.

There was something new about the way the meeting felt. Lexa couldn't put a name to it, but she felt goosebumps on her arms, shivers down her spine. She associated the feeling with being exceedingly happy to return home.

 _She looks older,_ Lexa observed, _even more beautiful._

Whether Costia heard Lexa's thoughts like always, or not, Lexa didn't know. But Costia was giving her a wide smile, and slowly, gently, Costia closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around Lexa's body, pulling her in for a deep embrace. Lexa melted into the touch right away, putting her own hands on Costia's back. Familiar, and safe, and everything she was missing in the course of the past year.

"I missed you, so much," Costia whispered, holding Lexa a little bit tighter. She didn't want to let go. Not when every inhale brought with it a scent which she didn't realize how much she longed for.

"I missed you, too, Cos. Thank you for meeting me at the gate," Lexa pulled back from the embrace so she could actually see her friend's face, smile at her.

"I couldn't wait another minute," Costia admitted and Lexa could see in her eyes that she was on the verge of tears.

They could joke, they could tease, but there was never pretence between them, no ego. They needed each other and they were okay with letting the other one know that, because the other would return the favor.

Lexa held both of Costia's hands in hers and locked eyes with her. They were both smiling stupidly. Costia unlinked one of her hands from Lexa's grasp but kept the other. Lexa picked her horse's strap in her free hand and they both started walking into the village together.

"Did you fight anyone interesting?" Costia teased.

"No one as interesting as you," Lexa admitted and used her hip to push Costia gently, in a playful manner. "Not as good as you either," she concluded, noting to herself that Costia seemed extremely content with the compliment.

"You always say the nicest things to me," her best friend stated happily.

* * *

She gave Nardo and Dara big hugs. Indra gave them the privacy they so needed so Lexa didn't have to pretend to be anything other than a ten-year-old coming home to her family after an entire year apart.

 ** _"I know you didn't really come here for me, girl,"_** Nardo said warmly, **_"that boy is whom all the ladies of this house care about these days."_**

Lexa chuckled, observing once again how much she was missing laugher in her life.

 ** _"You are very much correct, so, bye!"_** Costia announced with no shame, grabbed Lexa's hand in hers, and dragged her to the other room.

They stopped at the doorway, Costia quickly dropping Lexa's hand, and walking with purpose toward the crib. Lexa was a bit more hesitant. At the end of the day, as much as she felt like she belonged to this place, this was still Costia's brother.

"Well?" Costia encouraged challengingly, understanding perfectly well what was happening, "what are you waiting for?" When Lexa was in doubt, Costia knew how to reassure her with not so many words.

Lexa smiled widely and stepped next to Costia, looking from the edge of the crib at the six-month-old baby.

He was adorable.

"So you are Aden, ah? It's really nice to meet you," she said all official like, yet couldn't hide the by now constantly present smile on her face.

She was hypnotized by this new little addition to the family. Examining every feature, burning him to memory, because she knew once she left to go back to Polis, whenever that was, there's no telling when she'd see him again, or any of them for that matter.

"He has your eyes," Lexa noted quietly, "they're beautiful," she almost whispered.

Costia looked up at her, an unreadable expression on her face.

 _I basically just said that her eyes were beautiful, too,_ Lexa realized and could feel her face grow warm and flushed. _What is wrong with me?_ She scolded herself, _it's just Costia._

Lexa was beyond grateful when Dara walked in and interrupted whatever that weird moment between them was.

 ** _"Leksa, where are your things? Nardo wanted to bring them into your room,"_** she explained and Lexa's heart filled with joy when Dara referred to it as "your room."

 ** _"Oh, I left it with Indra, I figured…"_**

 ** _"You are staying here, of course,"_** Nardo announced matter-of-factly as he, too, walked into the room and stood by Dara's side.

 ** _"I just figured with the baby… it'll be crowded, I didn't want to be a bother,"_** she explained politely.

 ** _"I'm sorry, but you came back home,"_** Nardo reminded her with agitation in his voice, **_"were you planning on staying anywhere other than your home?"_** he challenged warningly.

 ** _"No, sir?"_** Lexa replied innocently with a ghost of a smile on her lips.

 ** _"She always was more well behaved than you, daughter,"_** Nardo pointed out, making Costia roll her eyes at him in annoyance. **_"What do you say, Kid? Ready to share again?"_**

Costia gave Lexa a meaningful look and Lexa couldn't for the life of her understand why Costia's answer mattered to her so much.

 ** _"The nights do get chilly in that big bed,"_** Costia shrugged but followed with a teasing smile which was directed straight at Lexa.

Lexa didn't think her own smile could get any bigger. It was so, **so** good to be back home.

* * *

"I hate that we can't go to the woods," Costia whined. It was the following morning and they were dragging their feet to a somewhat secluded corner of the village. "That's what we do, we go to the woods, we spar, I throw you onto the ground, we go back home for some hot stew."

"You weren't always so braggy, Cos," Lexa noted in feigned disapproval. "I've been gone too long."

"I **was** always this braggy, you just love me too much to notice or care," Costia clarified nonchalantly, "but, yes, you have been gone too long."

"I wish we could go out, too, but the Ice Nation…"

"Is at the door, yeah, yeah, I know," Costia brushed off. "I don't understand them. They have nothing to gain and so much to lose," Costia scoffed.

"It's the queen," Lexa explained. "She's hungry for power, as you know, always has been, from what I learned."

"But what does she want from Ton DC? There's nothing here. Well, except for the man who put one of her sons in the ground, I suppose," Costia shrugged, thinking sadly about her father. To her he was the kindest, gentlest man in the world, but more than once in his life time, he left a trail of destruction in his wake.

"I guess she wants to lose more sons," Lexa sneered bitterly. "It's probably the mountain she wants."

Costia looked at Lexa wide-eyed. It didn't even occur to her until that moment. "No," she nearly begged, she didn't know to whom, but Lexa was the one who was there to hear the plea.

"She's not gonna get it," Lexa promised. "She wouldn't know how to deal with it even if she did. But the last thing we need is for her to ruin the delicate balance and start a war. Mountain people don't exactly distinguish between us as long as we're those on the outside."

"Some can," Costia reminded sadly.

Lexa nodded. She couldn't figure out people who seemed to only be fueled by the lust for power, of conquest. That was Queen Nia's M.O., but it was no real leadership, that was not real diplomacy.

 _Compassion, the favorite pillar,_ she thought. She looked at her friend and realized why it **was** her favorite pillar.

"I guess we need to make sure you're in good shape," Costia stated nonchalantly.

"I guess we do," Lexa replied with a raised eyebrow, knowing that as intense as the conversation had turned, her friend could not shy away from something that seemed like a challenge. Costia used to hide her skills, but once they were revealed, once Lexa let her know it was okay, it was a part of who she was, Costia managed to find the joy in it, managed to play the game. Even if only for personal entertainment and not on the field.

 _Never on the field,_ Lexa prayed.

She had Costia exactly where she wanted her. It wasn't even a manipulation. Costia never did something she didn't want to do. Little mind games would not be the driving force in her decisions.

Lexa gave her a little shove in the shoulder, almost to poke at her, to rattle her just a bit. Costia wasn't the easily rattled type, though. She narrowed her eyes at Lexa but Lexa could see that glint in Costia's eyes that she loved so much.

Lexa had her wooden sword in her hand, the one that was safely waiting for her return in the chest in their shared room. She raised her hand and launched at Costia who was ready, as always, and easily blocked Lexa's attempt.

Lexa released an eager laughter. Ever since she returned to the village, she had constant reminders to the fact that she was home, that she didn't need to try too hard. But nothing and no one, made her feel like she could just let her guard down like Costia did. And this little battle was the accumulation of that feeling.

"Give it your all, Costia," Lexa demanded in excitement. A year in Polis made her realize that the older she grew, the more skilled she became. Even Fid wouldn't be a challenge for much longer, she knew. And with that notion, she didn't know what she was hoping for more – to come back home and see that she had finally surpassed Costia, or the exact opposite.

But as she was going at her best friend, not getting more than every fifth hit in, and was being hit back relatively way more often, she was overjoyed. That old hunger, the will to be better, was present more than ever before in a way only Costia could evoke from her.

And suddenly, Lexa, who was now taller by at least a head, was towering over her best friend, swords attached as she pushed Costia down to her knees.

Costia was struggling with the added weight, Lexa was just about to flatten her on her back and declare herself victorious when Costia, breathing heavily, put one of her hands on Lexa's blade, keeping it away from her neck.

"And now your hand is bleeding," Lexa commentated, informing Costia that in a real life scenario, she would be losing.

"Yes," Costia admitted with a breathy smile, "but I'm still alive. Long enough to do this," she pushed Lexa up with so much force that Lexa stumbled backwards and dropped her sword. Before she had a chance to gather her ground, she felt a kick to the back of her knee and she was lying on the ground, two wooden swords pointed at her neck and an out-of-breath Costia standing, smiling fully, above her.

"You've gotten a lot better, Alex," Costia noted, breathing heavily and still trying to catch her breath.

"You still beat me," Lexa whined.

"I've gotten a lot better, too," Costia smirked. Lexa couldn't stay upset or annoyed, not when Costia was giving her that little smile.

* * *

 ** _"No, we've discussed this already. Absolutely not and that's final,"_** Nardo's voice could be heard booming through the walls. It was morning, Lexa was in bed, alone. Her brain was still fuzzy as the brewing argument seemed to lure her to the world of the living once again.

 ** _"Why?"_** Costia demanded aggressively, **_"Why can't I join? I'm a better warrior than Leks and she's going!"_** she pointed out, quietly enough so no prying ears could hear, but loud enough that Lexa picked on her name even though she was still too foggy to comprehend the rest of the sentence.

Costia was looking at her father with near disdain, although, in truth she was just worried and frustrated.

 ** _"She's a Natblida and her home is under attack. She has a part to play, it's her duty,"_** Nardo reminded just as aggressively.

Costia seemed like she had something to say but instead she grunted and turned to leave. Back in their room Lexa realized what was happening and was blessing Nardo's name for preventing her best friend from joining the battle.

"You don't like any of this anyway, daughter," he bargained in his daughter's native tongue. "I know our culture is still not something you easily accept. You don't **want** to be there. Not really."

"I do," she insisted in the stubbornness that on different circumstances would make Lexa smile. Instead, she was lying in bed, listening intently, hoping that Nardo would stand his ground.

"You want to be there for us, you don't want to be there in order to take part in it," he concluded and Lexa knew he had won. She sighed in relief. She knew her best friend perfectly well and she knew Nardo was spot on.

"Does it really matter why I want to be there? Isn't it enough that I want to?" Costia gave it a desperate last try.

"No, it's not. I don't want you out there risking your life for something you don't even believe in," Nardo argued. "It'll just mean I have to worry about you because you wouldn't be worried about yourself. Lexa wouldn't want you there either," he used the final blow and Lexa thought that she could kiss the man.

"I'm sorry," Costia blurted disappointedly, accepting defeat. She could not argue with her father, not when he was correct. Not when she felt like everything that was happening was futile, unnecessary. She couldn't support it so he didn't want her to be a part of it. She had to respect his wishes.

"Don't be," he demanded and took a step forward to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You're just like your mother. She saw the world differently. In a way I wish I could, too. It's like she knew there was another way to go about life."

Costia swallowed hard and nodded. On any other day she loved being compared to her mother, but right then all she wanted was to make sure the people she loved were safe and unharmed.

"Who is gonna watch over you, Silly Man?" she questioned quietly.

"I will be okay," he offered her a soft smile. "And so will she," he gestured towards their home where Lexa was presumably sleeping peacefully.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Costia brushed his hand away and left him standing alone in the yard.

* * *

She was pacing, taking four steps forward, four steps back. She was making Lexa more anxious than she already was, as Lexa thought her friend would burn holes in the ground. It had been a week since Lexa returned, and it had been great, but the orders came from Polis to not wait any longer and to attack. The Ice Nation was too close for comfort.

"If things will get really bad the Commander will come down here," Lexa tried to assure her friend.

"Define really bad," Costia demanded bitterly.

They were standing outside their little bungalow, Costia may have been pacing but her eyes were locked like a hawk on her father's figure, through the window. Both girls could see him as he was putting war paint on.

Lexa was thinking that soon enough she'd have to go and do that too. It was almost time to leave.

Through her peripheral vision she could see Costia staring at her profile. Lexa didn't return the glance. She knew that if it was within Costia's power to prevent Lexa from going to war, her best friend would do just that.

"You told me I always have a home," she started, still not turning her head, still watching the man inside the house, "now I'm going to protect it," she declared with finality. It was more than just a thing she was expected to do and she was honored to do it.

"What I told you was that you always have somewhere to come back to," Costia clarified, "and that **you** are my home."

"Yes," Lexa recalled and finally looked at her best friend, speaking softly but with determination. "And I told **you** that you are my home, too. So now I'm going to protect both my home and the place I can go back to. It just happens to be one and the same," she concluded, her eyes begging for Costia to understand.

Costia said nothing for a few moments but finally broke their eye contact and turned away. "I hate this," she bit her lip. Lexa heard the frustration and fear in her voice.

"I know, but this is how we survive," Lexa stated simply. "This is our way."

Costia turned back to her and smiled sadly. "But does it have to be?" she shared her heart's wonder. "Really? Forever?"

"I don't know," Lexa admitted. "Maybe, maybe not." She had so many plans for the kind of future she wanted to create. She saw what her people were, but also what they could become. She saw people like the Ice Nation, the queen, who left a trail of ruin, but she also saw people like Dara, and Costia, who just wanted to live their lives in peace. Costia never looked for simplicity, she didn't shy away from hardships; she just hated when those hardships seem to have been unwarranted.

Those were the kind of people Lexa wanted to be the Commander of. Complex people, brave people, all sorts of people, as long as they aspired for something better. Lexa wanted to **make** them aspire for something better.

 _Evolvement often requires a change in the old ways_ , she thought. _But we're not ready yet._

"I really don't want my baby brother to grow up without a father," Costia bit back angrily, bringing Lexa back to the present. "I did that for years and I didn't like it very much."

"Neither did I," Lexa reminded, "but don't worry, Cos, I won't let anything happen to him," Lexa vowed.

Costia laughed bitterly. "You heroes and your promises," she shook her head. She looked at Lexa in a way that Lexa couldn't quite figure out. It made Lexa feel exposed, but not in the way that made her want to run away. More like in a way that made her want to fall right into whatever it was she saw in those eyes. There was something so raw in Costia's stare, something sad and loaded, but there was longing there, too.

Costia released a breath and finally spoke. "All I know is that every time he puts this paint on, somebody ends up dead. Don't let it be you." She demanded harshly and left, defeated, leaving Lexa standing there by herself, looking back at the man inside the bungalow.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Spoiler – Lexa saying Aden has Costia's eyes - of course, this is important because it explains a lot of the unspoken moments in Lexa and Aden's future relationship. She loved him like a brother but was also haunted by his eyes. He was a constant reminder of the person she had lost and she also felt a duty to elevate him when Costia was gone.

2\. Costia stopping Lexa's sword with her hand - We see Lexa use this move in future canon, of course, in her famous battle against Roan. And in my headcanon this was the day she learned that move, and Costia was the person she learned it from.


	12. De Seken Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 _Five Months Later…_

Costia heard the horns before she saw the warriors. _Is it finally over?_ She wondered.

Months of combat against the Ice Nation, months of the warriors being in and out of Ton DC. Sometimes they were gone for weeks at a time. Sometimes different groups would come back every other day. It wasn't only the Ton DC warriors anymore. The Commander called upon the armies of the eight clans. **_Azgeda_** would not be able to afford the losses much longer.

When Lexa and Nardo were home, Costia's heart was full. But when they weren't…

Costia didn't want to think about it. They were close to victory upon the Ice Nation. **_Azgeda_** would never join the coalition, never bow, Costia knew, but at least they'd go back home with their tails between their legs and leave everyone else the hell alone. At least for a few years of peace and quiet.

A small part of Costia wanted the war to last. She knew that as long as it did, Lexa would stay. They'd grown even closer over the course of the last few months. Lexa came back from the battlefield and all she wanted to do was snuggle in bed, being surrounded by Costia rather than by the enemy.

On occasion, she would speak of what she saw in battle, it was hard on her but she insisted on sharing which made Costia appreciate it even more.

Something shifted between them; Costia didn't know what or how, but she knew she didn't want it to end. She tried to silence the selfish voice in her head, and reminded herself that as long as Lexa was home, it meant other people died. It could even mean that someone Costia herself loved might die.

Costia shook her head, trying to rid herself of the unpleasant thoughts and to spot the warriors now nearing upon her. She sighed in relief when she saw Lexa walking at the front as always, by the Commander's side. On his other side was Gustus, his **_Fosgona_** , First Warrior, leader of the Commander's guard. Behind them Anya and Indra led the rest.

 _She seems tired,_ Costia noticed sadly while trying to locate her father as well.

Suddenly, she felt someone slipping right next to her side. It was Lincoln.

 ** _"I have a bad feeling,"_** he confessed, voice steady, but thoughts clearly not.

Costia shook her head as a means to tell him to stop. She didn't want to talk about bad feelings, not when she hadn't found her own father yet.

And then the warriors passed them by, Lexa turned her head to send a soft nod in Costia's direction, a nod that Costia already learned meant "I'm okay, I'll talk to you later." She had to stay by the Commander's side, to be present for the war council. It kept blowing Costia's mind that it was all a learning experience for the promising novitiate.

Costia turned her head back to keep looking for her father but it was Indra whom she found. But Indra wasn't there for her, she was there for her friend.

She put both her hands on Lincoln's shoulders and he knew right away. He swallowed hard and lowered his head.

 ** _"I'm so sorry, Linkoln,"_** Indra was genuinely heartbroken over delivering the news.

Anya and Nardo now joined them as many other pushed through, trying to find their loved ones, or deliver devastating news of their own. Costia felt guilty at the relief that filled her heart once her father joined them.

 ** _"Did she die well?"_** Lincoln asked, his voice breaking.

 ** _"Your mother saved my life,"_** Anya provided, her face twitched in pain momentarily. **_"It's a debt I'll never be able to repay."_** It was much harder to lose someone when the end of the fighting was in sight.

Costia stared at her friend, not sure what to say. Now that she knew her own family was safe, her brain managed to catch up with the horrible truth – her friend just lost his mother, a pain she knew too well.

 ** _"Come on, Son, we have to find your father,"_** Nardo said, trying to urge Lincoln further into the village. Lincoln slapped his hand away and ran outside of Ton DC.

 ** _"Link!"_** Costia called and ran after him.

 ** _"Daughter!"_** Nardo yelled in fear. He knew their armies were camped outside their village but his daughter was young and small in size and he didn't trust warriors he didn't know around her.

He was about to go after the two young friends when Anya's hand grabbed his.

 ** _"They can take care of themselves, Nardo. You have a wife and a baby that are waiting for you,"_** she reminded softly.

He wasn't entirely convinced but he nodded in acceptance nonetheless, hoping his daughter would be back before Lexa could hear about her whereabouts and throw a fit. It didn't matter that Costia could tackle a grown man to the ground in a way that made him proud. Costia was theirs, they were always going to worry about her.

* * *

 ** _"Hey."_** She found him sitting crossed legged in a moonlit corner of the woods. They were surrounded by tents and campfires but Lincoln somehow managed to find a secluded, almost quiet spot.

 ** _"I don't want to talk,"_** he said in a tone that suggested arguing would be futile.

 ** _"Then we don't, we just sit here,"_** she flopped next to him. She could see tears stream slowly down his cheeks. She took his hand in her own and followed his gaze up to the full moon.

 ** _"I know you know what it feels like,"_** Lincoln stated flatly, earning a simple nod from his friend. They kept sitting like that for a few more moments.

 **" _I found a man once, when I was younger. You weren't even in Ton DC yet. He fell from the sky,"_** Lincoln started, confusing Costia on a few fronts. _Why is he telling me this and what does he mean by fell from the sky?_

 ** _"He was injured, I wanted to help him, I brought him food, water,"_** her friend continued, as if she wasn't even there anymore.

Her mind was reeling. _Are there people up there? Like astronauts? Does the mountain know? Did mom know?_ She shook her head, reminding herself her friend needed her and tried to push down these thoughts for later.

 ** _"I finally told my father, I didn't know what else to do,"_** Lincoln got quiet. Costia thought she lost him.

 ** _"What did he say?"_** She gently brought him back to the present. He turned to look at her.

 ** _"He told me to kill him. And I did."_** Costia looked at him in shock. She knew he would grow up to be a warrior, she knew that if he was a year or two older he would've joined the battle against the Ice Nation, but he wasn't there yet, and now to learn that he still already killed a man was heartbreaking. He couldn't have been older than five or six years old when it happened and it was very clear that the memory rested heavily on this heart.

 ** _"I will never be able to forget that. Forget him,"_** Lincoln let all of his demons out in the open and was looking at her as if he was waiting for some verdict. But she had nothing, she wasn't going to judge. Not everyone was as lucky as her to have in her life the kind of people that she did. And what would a young, easily influenced boy do when his father ordered him to act in a certain way? The only thing she could do was to make sure Lincoln, too, had people in his life that weren't reacting to fear of the unknown with violence.

 _It could've been me,_ she realized. _The mountain, the sky, it's all about not being from here. If Alex weren't the one to find me…_ She had been lucky all along.

He looked at her as if he knew what she was thinking, as if he realized she, too, believed there was a better way.

 ** _"Is that all we're good for? Killing?"_** He looked at her with glossy eyes, seeming as if he was hoping she had all the answers. She didn't.

 ** _"I don't know,"_** she admitted somberly. **_"I hope not."_**

 ** _"People from the sky, people from the mountain, people from Azgeda. My mother,"_** he finished with a bitter laugh that quickly became a heart wrenching cry. She hugged him as close as she could, leaning her forehead into the side of his head, trying to give him as much comfort as possible.

 ** _"Why are we even here?"_** He blurted out brokenly in between tears.

She was trying to think of an answer, **her** answer, but the only thing she could think about was Lexa's face, every night before they went to sleep, already drifting but still not quite gone, giving Costia the last smile of the day.

 ** _"For something good, something better,"_** Costia provided determinedly and hugged him even tighter. **_"I have to believe that,"_** now that she started she couldn't stop. ** _"For the first rain of the winter, for Dara's bread every morning, for Aden's laughter, dad's carvings, and running on the sand, or squashing dry leaves in your hand."_** _And for Alex, always Alex._ He looked up at her and she gave him a little smile.

 ** _"For friends,"_** he tried, naming his own list, **_"for warm fires, and snow on your nose, for jumping between trees, for brushing a horse's mane,"_** he was mirroring Costia's bittersweet smile. **_"I want to leave this place someday,"_** he admitted, **_"see the rest of what's out there. See if there's another way."_**

 ** _"Me, too, Link. Me, too,"_** she agreed gloomily, and they both looked up to the moon again, each lost in their own thoughts about the future.

* * *

They were standing by the pyre, watching Lincoln and his father holding a torch together as the ceremony began. Lexa examined her best friend's profile in concern. This death hit her harder than others and Lexa couldn't help but wonder if Costia was reliving the loss of her own mother. Lexa tried to ask what Costia and Lincoln spoke about the previous night, when the warriors came back and the two young friends vanished into the night.

When Lexa returned to the bungalow and Nardo told her Costia was out in the woods with Lincoln, Lexa ran out hysterically before Nardo had a chance to stop her. She also didn't like Costia among the older, rough-around-the-edges warriors. Before she got too far she saw two silhouettes walking side by side toward her. She recognized the shape of her best friend right away and stopped to wait for them. She realized a while before they reached her that they were completely silent. They remained silent as they finally arrived to where she was standing, Costia quietly turned to give Lincoln a hug, and then he nodded at Lexa, who returned the gesture, and he left.

Costia remained speechless, took Lexa's hand in hers, and walked them both into their home and bed without a single syllable being uttered.

But now, as Lincoln and his father lit the pyre carrying their loved one, Costia could feel the warmth of the fire on her face and the piercing eyes of her friend on her.

"We live in a world where people become orphans at a very young age," she stated without emotion. "It's not like that on the mountain," she pointed out, swallowing hard.

"It was like that for you," Lexa reminded softly. The mountain wasn't perfect either.

"I was the exception, not the norm," Costia knew her place of birth wasn't perfect, not by a long shot and the older she got, the more she saw that, but war within wasn't something that was part of their walk of life, not that she knew of. People didn't get bad news as often as they did on the outside.

Lexa didn't know what to say. If she could change the entire world to prevent any future heartbreak from her best friend, she would. And maybe one day she'd get her go at it, but until then all she could do was clasp Costia's hand in hers, and watch as the words **_"yu gonplei ste odon,"_** were spoken, and the fire consumed everything.

Lincoln and his father left the site and though Costia watched him go, she never tried to approach him. Instead, a soft hand on her back led her back to the bungalow and into the bedroom. She sat down on the bed, still silent.

"Can I ask you something?" She finally spoke, looking at Lexa in concern, as if she knew the question would not be to Lexa's liking.

"You can ask me anything," Lexa replied right away. She had a feeling she knew where this was headed, and she was fine with it, it was long overdue.

"How did your parents die?" Costia blurted and seemed extremely vulnerable, like the worst thing about her question was the chance that she would hurt Lexa.

"Battle with the Shallow Valley clan," Lexa smiled sadly and sat next to her friend, letting her know it was okay to talk about it.

"The famous one? The night that fifty people died?"

Lexa nodded. "Ton DC's darkest hour."

"I say **_Azgeda_** is aiming for that title," Costia observed between gritted teeth.

"We're always in the crossfire because of our close proximity to the mountain," Lexa explained softly, but of course her friend didn't need the explanation, she already knew that.

Costia looked at Lexa and bit her lip.

"Whatever it is, Cos, you can ask me," Lexa assured, taking her friend's hand in hers.

"Were your parents burned, too?" Lexa knew it was Costia's way of actually asking if their bodies were ever retrieved.

"All warriors get a pyre funeral, all the ones lucky enough to return from the battlefield. Except…"

"Except?" Costia was now on full alert, she genuinely had no idea what Lexa was going to say.

"The Commanders," Lexa finished with a sardonic smile.

"I didn't know that," Costia admitted, wondering what was done with the bodies of the Commanders.

"Yeah," Lexa continued, now elaborating. "The notion behind it is that because their spirits live forever, the body should, too. There's a sacred temple. The only one who is allowed in is the **_Fleimkepa_**. And he can only go in there after a Commander's funeral. To put their bodies in the stones," she concluded.

Costia looked at her in fascination. As morbid as that trail of thought was, Costia liked the idea of her best friend's body not being burned.

"You're thinking way too far into the future again, Cos," Lexa noted affectionately.

Costia grinned. It was a nice way to cut her dark way of thinking. "Am I?" She teased. "Tell me that you're not the best one in your class," she challenged.

"Well, I've been gone from Polis for months now," Lexa stalled, trying to at least appear to be humble.

"Yes, and thank god for that because I had you here with me, but you were also with the Commander, on the field, constantly. So, tell me that you're not the best novitiate," Costia raised her eyebrow so high Lexa thought it would jump off her forehead.

"I can't tell you that," Lexa admitted, earning a wide toothy smile which she gladly returned.

* * *

Notes:

1\. A general note about this chapter - I mentioned before but I want to say it again – it was very important for me (and I considered it a privilege,) to explore the past of some of our familiar characters in a way that would maybe explain their motivation in the show that we know today. This chapter, I hope, contributes to that.

2\. **_Fosgona_** – "First Warrior" in **_Trigedasleng._** I ought to thank Jensen, the founder of who came up with this word. It's a fanon word which basically refers to the head of the **_Heda_** 's guard. Like what Jamie Lannister is. It's what Gustus is when we meet him "later" in the show, a role that we see here that he also filled for the previous Commander. It's an important word in this story so expect to see it more.

Spoiler – Upon writing this, I almost felt like it was too early to introduce this word that was basically made up especially for this story and would play such an important role later on. Then again, if the Commander went to war there was no way his First Warrior wasn't by his side. So that logic won. It was also an opportunity to introduce Gustus who filled the same role for Lexa (which I like because I feel like she demoted him for Costia after the conclave, and later on, when Costia left to meet with Nia, she told him that if anything happened to her he was in charge.)

3\. Regarding Lincoln's man from the sky – it's something that he mentioned on the show and I thought it would be weird if he never mentioned it in the story since the story is very canon inspired. I believe he would especially mention it to someone like Costia and this way it played as a confession and will play into the future, too.

4\. The idea of Lexa's body not being burned - Spoiler –big deal, of course, because ultimately it was key for Lexa's resurrection. Call it my very early on foreshadowing if you will.


	13. De Seken Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

 _One Month Later…_

Lexa was staring at her best friend from afar. Costia was helping Dara unload flour from a cart and into the little shop. Lexa bit her lip.

 ** _"Did you ask her yet?"_** the voice startled her as Indra seemed to have appeared out of nowhere and was now standing by her side.

 ** _"No, not yet,"_** Lexa admitted sheepishly. She postponed the moment for way too long and it had become embarrassing. She was a **_Natblida_** yet she couldn't ask her best friend a simple question.

 ** _"We leave in two days, Leksa,"_** Indra reminded with a sigh. She couldn't figure out what Lexa was waiting for. This was a golden opportunity.

 ** _"I know, but… What if she says no?"_** Lexa asked, now looking at Indra in a rare display of vulnerability which brought in return a rare moment of tenderness from Indra. She gently put her hands on Lexa's shoulders.

 ** _"She'll never say no to you,"_** Indra reassured with a soft voice.

 ** _"How can you possibly know that?"_** Lexa wondered out loud, looking even smaller than she did moments before.

 ** _"Would you have said no to her?"_** Indra glared at Lexa challengingly.

Lexa nodded as the obvious answer ran through her head. She turned forward again to look at her friend once more, a determined look adorning her face.

* * *

Lexa knocked on the bungalow's door lightly. It was a couple of hours later and she knew both Costia and Dara would still be dealing with inventory.

 ** _"Enter!"_** came Nardo's voice from the inside. She opened the door, walked in and closed it behind her.

 ** _"Leksa,"_** Nardo seemed surprised. **_"Since when do you knock?"_**

 ** _"Hi. I just came to ask you something… something big, so knocking felt like the right thing to do,"_** she explained anxiously.

Nardo rolled his eyes. **_"You are too good, you know that? You are not a novitiate when you are here. You have to let loose sometimes,"_** he teased lovingly.

 ** _"Should I tell your daughter you said that?"_** Lexa inquired innocently, feeling more at ease now.

 ** _"Don't you dare. That girl is a menace,"_** he warned with a growl.

 ** _"A very well behaved one,"_** Lexa pointed out.

 ** _"I suppose she is pretty adorable, isn't she?"_** He suggested nonchalantly, making Lexa smirk. She could not argue with that.

 ** _"What I wanted to ask you actually concerns her,"_** Lexa tried to casually use the opening she was given. **_"And I know you can use her help with the baby, and I know you will miss her greatly, but…"_**

 ** _"Take her, Leksa,"_** he cut off her ramble.

 ** _"What?"_** She was dumbfounded.

 ** _"You came here to ask me if you could take Kostia to Polis, didn't you?"_** He crossed his arms on his chest, sporting a nice raised eyebrow.

 ** _"I… did Indra tell you?"_** She inquired, not sure if she was upset or not.

 ** _"Indra just told me that the Fleimkepa gave that general permission. You did the rest by spending days watching her from afar like some wounded animal,"_** he snorted at his own joke.

 ** _"And I thought I was being so stealthy,"_** Lexa chuckled.

 ** _"Don't worry, I'm sure that for a change my daughter is absolutely oblivious,"_** he reassured with a grin. **_"She's too busy doing her own moping in regards to your looming departure."_**

 ** _"Wait, so, you're fine with her coming with me?"_** She finally realized what he said moments before. But she didn't want to use the term "take her." Costia very rarely did something she didn't want to do, and Lexa didn't want to feel like she was taking Costia away, but rather that Costia chose to go.

Nardo sighed. **_"You are right, Leksa, I love her, and we do need her,"_** he confirmed and Lexa's face fell, ** _"but you love her and need her too, don't you?"_** She looked back up at him and saw on his face that while the most important thing for him was to do what was best for Costia, Lexa's well being mattered to him tremendously, too.

 ** _"I do,"_** Lexa's admitted quietly, earning a nod from Nardo.

 ** _"So I need to let her go. Besides, she is far too imaginative to stay in a little village forever,"_** he shrugged, trying to sound as casual as possible about the whole ordeal.

 ** _"I agree,"_** Lexa seconded happily, finally starting to get excited.

 ** _"She could use the hustle and bustle of the capital,"_** Nardo was now speaking mostly to himself, going through the self-convincing stage of his process. " ** _Especially considering she stopped going to the mountain since you left,"_** he pointed out offhandedly.

Lexa looked at him with mouth agape. **_"You knew?"_**

 ** _"Of course,"_** he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. **_"She told me."_**

 ** _"And you still let her go?"_** _Well, I let her go, too,_ Lexa realized sheepishly and based on the smirk on Nardo's face he knew what she was thinking.

 ** _"Leksa, the mountain is where she's from. I didn't want to take it away from her,"_** he explained, his voice now strained, laced with emotion. ** _"It's her connection to her mother. And she is so much like her mother,"_** he smiled nostalgically. ** _"Too bad you never met her. You'd have loved her. She was a woman of so much imagination. The prettiest woman I've ever met,"_** he admitted sadly.

 _In another life time_ , Lexa thought. It registered that this, this feeling of unfulfillment, this separation, could've been her and Costia, but instead the stars aligned somehow to actually let them be together.

 ** _"Kostia is very beautiful,"_** Lexa agreed then blushed. She didn't mean to say it out loud. She was just innocently thinking that Costia's mother **must have** been as Nardo described her. Was she imagining it or did Nardo give her a knowing smile? And what exactly was it that he thought he knew?

 ** _"She is,"_** he concluded, not letting any additional understandings slip.

 ** _"Weren't you scared letting her go to the mountain?"_** She tried to change the subject, but she was also genuinely curious.

 ** _"I was,"_** he confirmed heavily, he wanted Lexa to know it wasn't a subject he treated lightly. **_"But she was with you, so I knew she was safe, that you won't let anything happen to her,"_** he looked at her meaningfully, trying to convey something about the future, too.

Lexa understood and nodded. **_"We take care of each other,"_** Lexa stated with intent, it was more than just a statement, it was a promise and Nardo accepted it is such.

 ** _"Yes,"_** he agreed, **_"and you'll continue doing so in Polis."_**

* * *

"So tomorrow is the day, ah?" Costia tried to sound cheerful which was in complete contrast to how she was actually feeling. "Are you worried about catching up on everything you've missed?"

They were seated exactly where they sat a year and a half prior, right before Lexa set to Polis. Now, though, Lexa looked at her best friend in puzzlement, wondering if this was really how Costia wanted to deal with their goodbye.

"What?" Costia inquired in confusion.

 _To be fair_ , Lexa thought, _she has no idea what I'm about to ask her_. As far as Costia was concerned, sadness with a little twist of denial was the way to go.

"Come back with me," Lexa finally blurted, saying the words before she could change her mind again.

"What?" Costia asked quietly through a breath. She wasn't sure she heard correctly.

"Come back with me," Lexa repeated, more confident now, a subtle plea in her voice. The words were already out there, there was no taking them back. "I miss you every day," Lexa admitted and bit her lip, "I'll be so much better with you around, and you… you'd love Polis," she rambled. "The buildings, the stores, the culture. I already asked your father, he approves, so, come back with me," she concluded with a questioning, hopeful smile.

For a moment Costia didn't say a word and Lexa thought that maybe it was a terrible idea after all. She knew Costia better than anyone, how could she be so wrong about this? About Costia wanting this?

But then Costia's face split in a huge smile. "Can I bring my books?" She inquired with a grin and Lexa laughed happily.

"Of course!" She answered excitedly.

"Then I'm coming," Costia declared and Lexa had to admit she never seen Costia so full of joy. But then Costia's face changed. "But… in a few more months," she added cautiously and Lexa's face fell. Costia saw the effect her words had and was quick to clarify. "Alex, dad said it's okay but he was being a good father and so I want to be a good daughter, you know? I love you, and having you back here was… it was incredible," she sighed, making Lexa understand that this postponement was hard on her best friend, too. "I want nothing more than to go with you, but I know they need the help. I don't want to be selfish. And I'm selfish in many ways, but I don't want to be as selfish about **this**. If I am, you'd feel guilty, too," she pointed out and Lexa had no choice but to agree. It was true. Lexa wasn't exactly making her offer without complicated feelings involved. "So... Give me some time," Costia finally pleaded. "Time to get them to the point where they're okay without me, to say goodbye and figure out what part I could play in Polis," she explained bittersweetly. "But I'll be there, by your side, in a few months. I promise. Okay?"

"You are by my side even when you aren't," Lexa noted, it wasn't exactly an answer and Costia could see Lexa's eyes were getting glassy. Lexa was trying to say that Costia was always on her mind, that when Costia wasn't around Lexa felt it vividly, but her best friend chose to take Lexa's words in a more positive way.

"Exactly. And I have every intention of staying by your side, so… okay?" Costia tried again, looking to make her friend understand that the distance won't hurt them and that before too long they'd physically be by each other's side.

Lexa nodded then looked away. Costia knew this wasn't exactly what her best friend was hoping to hear. It was supposed to be a happy moment, a grand decision about the future, but instead it seemed like her friend was hurt. Maybe Lexa thought that if Costia stayed behind she would never actually join her in Polis. But Costia wasn't going to pass on the opportunity.

"Will you be okay so far from the mountain?" Lexa inquired casually but Costia knew it was her way of gauging just how serious Costia was about Polis.

"I'll be just fine as long as I have you," Costia replied immediately and with no hesitation.

Lexa gave her a halfhearted smile.

Costia knew her friend wanted to finish this conversation differently, to leave Ton DC the following day with Costia alongside her. But for now, her promise to join Lexa in a few months would have to do, and it was on Costia to prove to Lexa down the road that there was nothing that could stop her from going after her best friend when that time came.

* * *

Lexa was loading her things on her horse. She still had to go back to the bungalow and say goodbye to everyone. Under different circumstances, Costia would've been out with her to offer help or just plain entertainment. But Lexa needed some space and Costia gave it to her. Lexa hated admitting to herself that she was hurt, especially since she knew just how real Costia's reasons to stay were, but she **was** hurt and denying it wouldn't do any good. That didn't mean she didn't try.

 ** _"So it's not enough that you left me all alone, now you're taking Kostia, too,"_** Anya asked teasingly, stepping next to Lexa.

Instead of acknowledging that Costia telling Anya about her pending departure was a big deal and a good sign, Lexa chose to focus on her current disappointment.

 ** _"She's not coming just yet,"_** Lexa pouted. Anya realized her ex-mentee was actually upset and laughed out loud. **_"What?"_** Lexa's voice was laced with irritation. She hated feeling silly and small yet she knew that's exactly what she was doing. She was being petty.

 ** _"Sometimes, because you've already been through so much and done so much, I forget that you're still a child,"_** Anya explained and patted Lexa's head condescendingly. **_"But it's okay, I understand,"_** she concluded.

 ** _"Understand what?"_** Lexa huffed as Anya started to walk away. **_"What is there to understand?"_** She called after her but Anya simply turned her head to grin at Lexa wickedly. Then, she kept walking, leaving Lexa even more annoyed than she was moments before.

* * *

Notes:

"We take care of each other" - A little throwback to chapter 2.


	14. De Seken Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 _Two Months Later…_

Lexa dragged her feet and sword on the ground. She knew it was bad for the blade, she knew she should get her head in the game, but she just couldn't shake the funk she was in since she returned from Ton DC.

 ** _"Leksa,"_** Indra greeted as Lexa passed by her, but the young novitiate didn't even notice. **_"Leksa!"_** Indra tried again, louder this time. She was getting tired of Lexa's behavior and if it meant she had to assume the role of an educator yet again, she would do as such.

Lexa finally noticed her and raised her head, giving Indra a gloomy look but saying nothing.

 ** _"Enough,"_** Indra ordered.

 ** _"What are you talking about?"_** Lexa played the fool.

 ** _"Stop walking around moping,"_** Indra demanded. **_"Kostia will be here in a few more months, you can't keep acting this way until then. The Fleimkea noticed, too."_**

 ** _"He approached you about this?"_** Lexa asked in concern, now mad at Costia for putting her in the current predicament by refusing to join her in Polis.

 ** _"He did,"_** Indra confirmed, unimpressed with Lexa's behavior.

 ** _"What exactly did he say?"_**

 ** _"He said that he allowed you to invite your best friend to Polis because it would help your progress yet it seems to have backfired,"_** Indra replied, irritated. When they came back from Ton DC sans best friend and with Lexa in an awful mood, it wasn't hard for Titus to make the connection.

 ** _"This is all Kostia's fault,"_** Lexa stated narrowing her eyes.

 ** _"No, it's not. You miss her, you didn't get your way, you want someone to blame so you blame her,"_** Indra scoffed. Lexa might end up being the Commander one day, but she wasn't one yet and Indra had every intention of making her realize she was acting immaturely. Indra understood. Lexa never acted out. Even when she did it was within very clear boundaries. And when Lexa was frustrated she went to Costia. What was she to do when Costia was the reason for her frustration?

 ** _"You're right,"_** Lexa spat angrily and Indra knew the conversation was about to take an unpleasant turn. **_"I didn't get my way, I do want someone to blame, and maybe that someone should be you! You told me she'd never say no to me!"_** Lexa reminded in rage.

Indra rolled her eyes which aggravated Lexa even more.

 ** _"Listen to me, Leksa kom trikru, you are being childish and ridiculous,"_** Indra stated matter-of-factly, absolutely done with Lexa's contemptuous display. **_"You are a Natblida, the most promising novitiate in your class and you are throwing a tantrum, why?"_**

 ** _"Because Kostia…"_**

 ** _"Promised you she'll be here in a few months,"_** Indra reminded sharply, refusing to let Lexa dwell in her unjustified sorrow any longer. **_"She never said no to you. She said yes, but be patient. She told you she'll be here. Did she ever broken a promise she made to you?"_** Indra challenged, arms now crossed on her chest.

Lexa shook her head in a way that was hardly visible. She hated admitting when she was wrong.

 ** _"What was that?"_** Indra insisted, not letting Lexa off the hook so easily.

 ** _"No,"_** Lexa finally admitted, looking anywhere but at Indra.

 ** _"Not only did she never break a promise she made to you, but she kept writing to you for weeks even though you are being a stubborn idiot and haven't replied to any of her letters!"_** Indra now unloaded it all on Lexa who was shocked with the aggressiveness and the forwardness of Indra's words.

She didn't know what to say, she felt ashamed.

Indra looked at her sadly and kept going. **_"How deeply she must love you, to keep writing all this time, to agree to up and leave everyone and everything she knows and loves, especially when she has a baby brother at home."_**

With that, Indra concluded her passive-aggressive scolding and left Lexa standing alone, completely guilt ridden. She sighed and walked toward her room which was proven to be a bad idea the moment she walked in and found a letter on her bed. Her best friend was nothing if not persistent.

 _It's not persistency,_ Lexa knew, _it's loyalty._

At that moment Lexa didn't feel especially worthy of such unwavering loyalty. She felt like she didn't deserve a letter and was about to punish herself by not reading it straight away, but the temptation to hear from her favorite person was too great. She sat on the bed moodily and started reading the letter.

I once had a friend,

For all I know, she might be dead,

Or maybe she just forgot how to spell,

Either way, this is Costia, does my name ring a bell?

Alex, you are being beyond dumb,

This is how people become emotionally numb,

I know you are hurt, but stop punishing my folks,

You can ignore me, but them? That's not how it works,

As a matter of fact, stop ignoring me too,

Your face might be stupid, but l still love you,

This talking to myself thing is getting really old,

So, to conclude, it's time that you fold.

Well, I wasn't even sure you deserved a poem this time, but I wasn't going to break tradition just because you won't stop being mad at me. Because I know that once you realize how ridiculous you are being, you'd feel guilty. So instead of focusing on how much I want to shake you and tell you to write the hell back, I'll give you an update of everything that's been happening here. No groveling from me in this letter, just some things that I neglected to tell you in the last few weeks.

I've spoken to Lincoln yesterday. The more I talk to him the more I think he's going to leave Ton DC. He told me some things about his father that… well, let's just say that Lincoln and I share some views and his father? Not so much. He misses his mom terribly, which I can relate to.

Anya is Anya. She insists on sparring with me every day. She says she has to make sure I'm in top shape before I go to Polis so you can benefit as much of my presence as possible. I told her I was very touched by how much she cared about me and that I'm not even sure my presence in Polis is welcome anymore. Then she used some words that I don't want to repeat but know that they were directed at you and that they were not pleasant.

Nyko is with Kay day and night. Linc and I drag him out once a week to make sure he remembers how the outside world looks like. He's studying really hard. He seems really happy. I can relate to that, too. You know how I feel about my books.

I talked to father about the arrangements for when I go to Polis, because I maintain hope that once you get over your current ridiculous behavior you'd still want me to come, and I still want to, as well. So in the meantime, I'm pretending that you're not being an ass, and working on the logistics as if the plan is still intact. I promised Dara I'll come home every other week for two or three days. It wasn't a hard promise to make, to be honest, I don't want to miss Aden's entire childhood. When I mentioned that you probably wouldn't want to miss it either, dad promised that once Aden is a bit older they'll try to come and visit, too. Maybe once every few weeks so Dara doesn't have to close the shop for a long periods of time. I hope all these arrangements are okay? Maybe you'll grace us with a reply this time so I can actually tell them? One can only hope. **_Branwoda._**

Speaking of the baby brother, he said your name today. I've been trying to teach him to say "Lexa is an ass" but I think it might be too complex for his baby brain. We'll get there. By the time he learns it, even If you behave, I'm sure we can find another reason to justify him saying that.

Seriously, Alex. Am I supposed to give up and think you don't want me in your life anymore? Because this is the longest I haven't spoken to you, and it's hard, really hard. Like my-heart-is-breaking-and-my-second-half-wants-nothing-to-do-with-me hard. Tell me that I'm wrong, please? You know I didn't turn you down, right? I just needed some time and the fact that it makes you angry, makes me angry. So, just… answer the damn letter.

I love you. Dara and dad send their love and Aden too.

Lexa finished reading the letter and sighed heavily. Costia was upset, that much was very clear, this time she didn't even sign at the end. Her first letters were more on the apologetic, soothing side, but the longer it took for Lexa to reply, the harsher Costia's tone became. Costia finally realized she had nothing to apologize for.

Lexa couldn't blame her. Indra's words about how willing Costia was to leave her loved ones, her infant brother, echoed in her head as she read all of Costia's updates about Aden. She knew she was in the wrong and the letter was one reminder too many of that fact. It was even worse than that. Costia actually entertained the idea that Lexa didn't want anything to do with her. If the thought alone scared Lexa endlessly, she couldn't imagine what she's been putting her friend through, her friend who had doubts but not answers and that was Lexa's fault.

 _What have you done, Lexa? You let this go on for too long,_ she berated herself.

Lexa felt ashamed. She was pushing her best friend away. She asked Costia to come with her, Costia said yes, but not on the terms Lexa wanted. If it was only weeks ago that she wanted Costia's presence so badly why was she punishing her friend now?

And Costia understood, and instead of giving Lexa a taste of her own medicine, she kept writing, every week at least once, sometimes more, just like she promised.

A memory came to the surface. Lexa remembered promising Nardo that Costia and herself would be taking care of each other, but right now she wasn't taking care of Costia, right now she was only taking care of herself.

 _If you keep this up she will truly believe you don't want her here anymore and will change her mind,_ and that, Lexa knew, was the opposite of taking care of herself. She needed Costia.

She got up to find a blank piece of paper and a pen and finally sat back down, trying to choose her words carefully.

* * *

Costia walked into the bungalow, tired and bitter. She was so distracted throughout the whole day that Anya actually managed to defeat her in single combat.

 _Unacceptable,_ Costia growled at the thought. _I will not allow this to happen again tomorrow._

 ** _"Daughter, there you are,"_** her father said cheerfully when she walked through the door.

 ** _"Why are you so happy?"_** She huffed. She was too tired for happy people.

 ** _"A letter arrived today,"_** he shrugged and pretended to go back to the book he was reading.

Costia's eyes widened, she didn't need to ask. Based on her father's antics she knew it was from her best friend.

 ** _"It's on your bed,"_** Nardo added nonchalantly and Costia made a beeline into the bedroom. She spotted the letter immediately and didn't waste a moment before she started reading it.

Dear Cos,

First of all, I'm glad to hear you're teaching Aden how to say "Lexa is an ass," I'm sure that'll come in handy.

Second of all, I'm sorry. I'm really, terribly, so, so sorry.

It shouldn't have taken me so long to write back, and I'm sure you want to know what changed. Well, Indra gave me… I don't know if it would qualify as a pep talk exactly, but I think that's what she was trying to do? Either way, it worked, I mean, I'm sure sooner or later I'd make a sensible decision on my own but I'm glad Indra quickened the process, and then I walked into my room and your latest letter was there and, did I say I was sorry already?

I was thinking long and hard about what to say to you, and nothing seemed like enough because I know I hurt you and with no good reason really, so I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I did and even though it's not an excuse, I'll do the best I can to explain it.

I guess I'm not used to hear no from you so I didn't know how to handle it even though you didn't actually say no. I know, it's stupid. So stupid. Maybe it's because so many things in my life were already decided for me, for my future, and I thought that here was something that was under my control, that was my choice, that if I wanted it, it would happen. But you are not a thing, you are a person, my favorite person, actually, and I don't want you to be under my control. I don't think that I'd want that even if I'm **_Heda_**. I want you to make your own decisions. And if I'm being completely honest, even if you would've said no, I shouldn't have reacted this way. But you didn't. You didn't say no and bless the first Commander for that, because of course I still want you to come. I'm just lucky that you know me better than I know myself sometimes and yet I still managed to rattle you and evoke doubts in you. So I'll gladly and humbly accept all those words you mentioned Anya used.

I really hope you still want to come. I can absolutely envision us years from now, in Polis, still best friends. I don't know exactly what it would look like, so much is not up to me, but I just know you'd be there. I hope you'd want to be there.

I love you. If I knew how to take the last couple of months back, I would. But that's not something that I can do so I can just promise to never push you away like this in the future.

Please also tell Dara and Nardo that I'm sorry, and please give Aden a kiss from me. I will write to them separately but I'm too drained tonight and if I only get to write one letter before I head to bed, I wanted it to be to you. I know these words aren't enough, but they all I have right now, and I don't want to put this off any longer.

I really liked you last poem.

I wish I could just take a day off and come see you and do this face to face, but hopefully I will see you before long.

Love,

Lex

Costia put down the paper, a huge smile on her face. She was still mad, but at least her best friend finally came to her senses and though the air needed more time to clear completely, this was a start. And now they could resume their plans.

She grabbed a blank piece of paper and thought about what to write to her friend.

There were many things she almost wrote. She almost wrote "things **can** happen just because you want them to. You just have to be able to compromise." Then she thought about writing "of course I want to be there with you in Polis, years from now," and lastly, she almost listed all the nice nicknames Anya came up with for Lexa. Costia thought it was important that Lexa knew them.

But nothing felt right. They had a few more months to get back to their own version of normal, and then they will see each other and everything will fall into place, Costia knew.

She finally grabbed a pen and wrote the best thing, the only thing, that she could think would be enough, that would contain all her thoughts and feelings on the matter. It said -

"Okay."

* * *

Indra was watching Lexa in training. It's been a week since Lexa came out of her room with a smile on her face and refused to say a single word, but she had been going non-stop ever since.

It's not even that she got back to her good old self, Indra realized. Lexa was doing better than ever before.

Indra was so focused on the young novitiate that she didn't even notice when Titus approached her. **_"I don't know what you told her, but whatever it was, it's working,"_** he complimented.

 ** _"I didn't say anything,"_** Indra admitted. _What the hell did Costia write to her? **"I believe the… setback has been resolved,"**_ Indra tried to explain diplomatically.

 ** _"With her best friend?"_** Titus inquired in a tone Indra couldn't really figure out. She nodded cautiously. The last thing she wanted was for him to change his mind. **_"So she's still coming?"_** He wondered out loud.

 ** _"Yes, she is,"_** Indra confirmed. **_"A few more months. She wanted to help her parents with the baby."_**

 ** _"She's devoted to her family, that's a good sign,"_** he pointed out in the same confusing tone.

 _He himself still isn't sure it was the right decision,_ Indra realized. Just then Lexa managed to kick Fid straight in the chest and onto the ground. He made an extremely loud noise as he landed on the sand. Indra smirked in content, so did Lexa.

 _She's definitely back_ , Indra thought excitedly, knowing that even if Costia and Lexa still had issues to resolve, Costia's presence in the capital would indeed be beneficial. Titus apparently thought the same.

 ** _"Well, I'll say this, if that's how she performs just due to the mere notion that the girl would be here soon, I'm looking forward to see her perform when her friend is already here,"_** he concluded sternly. His words may have been positive but there was still something doubtful underneath it all.

 ** _"Her name is Kostia, Fleimkepa. You are going to see her often and she's going to make a big difference in your trainee's life. I think it's time you start using her name and not refer to her as "the girl,""_** Indra stated flatly. Titus looked at her in surprise. Officially, she wasn't a subordinate of his, but his title commanded respect, and it was very rarely that people stood up to him in that way. But he shouldn't have been surprised. Indra, too, was committed to her people. Lexa and Costia were her people and he couldn't help but thinking that maybe the fact that the trait was especially present in the girls' characters was in part because of Indra.

 ** _"Very well, then,"_** he offered, **_"I will be very happy to see how Leksa performs when Kostia is here."_**

* * *

Notes:

1\. I refer to this chapter as "Chapter 13, also known as – Lexa is being a total baby."

2\. **_Branwoda_** \- fool or foolish in **_Trigedasleng._** I felt like this is the closest thing for Costia to say to basically call Lexa and idiot.

3\. Lexa writing about what she envisions for the future - This, of course, was meant to be painful to us the readers, because we know where their story is headed, because we heard about it in canon after it was already over and not looking at all Like Lexa envisioned. Spoiler – at least not until much later, and trust me when I say – the way things unfolded, even with a relatively happy ending, was still not close to what Lexa had envisioned because of all that occurred in between.

4\. Titus thinking that his title commanded respect - This story is full of Hamilton references. I don't even remember if this was one of them because it was written so long ago, but I wouldn't be surprised.


	15. De Seken Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

 _Four Months later…_

She was by the city gate, pacing from side to side while Indra was standing motionless, close by.

 ** _"You are burning holes in the ground, girl,"_** Indra stated and Lexa knew she was being mocked.

 ** _"I'm sorry, I've been waiting for today for a very long time,"_** she apologized sincerely.

 ** _"Have you? I didn't notice,"_** Indra replied flatly.

Then, they both heard horses and Lexa's eyes shot up to spot the source of the sound. Indeed, two horses were steadily coming toward them.

 _Nardo,_ Lexa knew. Indra offered to ride back to Ton DC and escort Costia to Polis, but the devoted father insisted on seeing her to the capital himself.

"It's ridiculous," Costia wrote in a letter a few weeks prior. "I'm going to go back to Ton DC every other week so, what? I'll always have an escort? I can take care of myself."

And while Lexa would be the last person to argue with that assumption, considering Costia could bring grown men to their knees and not just because she was cute, Lexa felt much better knowing that her friend won't take the long trips in the forest on her own, even if her escorts were just merchants going from Polis to Ton DC.

Lexa knew she'd personally approach each merchant before a trip and make sure they know they're traveling with the best friend of whom might become the Commander one day. She'd make sure no one would try anything inappropriate with her friend, though she was pretty sure that if someone would so much as even look at Costia the wrong way, Costia would make sure they regretted it, terribly.

But as the father and daughter got off their horses and Costia gave her a great big smile, Lexa couldn't think about anything else anymore.

"Costia!" she called in pure happiness, running straight into her friend's embrace. They were holding each other so fiercely Lexa was wondering if one of them would break. It felt so, so good. When Costia's scent hit her nostrils she felt dizzy at the sweet familiarity.

 ** _"No, that's okay, I'll just stand here,"_** Nardo offered sarcastically. **_"I'm pretty used to it since Aden was born."_**

Lexa forced herself out of the loving embrace, locking eyes with Costia in a way that meant "we'll have enough time for this later," and looked up at Nardo. She laughed happily and gave him a hug, too.

 ** _"Now that's what I'm talking about,"_** he squeezed Lexa lightly and pulled her up in the air. She giggled like a four-year-old.

 ** _"Indra,"_** Costia nodded warmly at the stern woman who surprised them all by cracking a little smile.

 ** _"The mayhem twins, together again,"_** she noted, making Costia turn back and exchange a cheerful looks with her best friend, whom her father kindly put back on the ground.

"Come on," Lexa urged excitedly, "I want to show you **everything**."

Costia gave her father a questioning look, asking for permission with her eyes.

 ** _"Go,"_** he agreed right away. **_"Let us old folks talk amongst ourselves."_**

 ** _"Who are you calling old?"_** Indra protested.

The two friends chuckled. Lexa grabbed one of Costia's bags in one hand and Costia's hand in the other.

Costia grabbed another bag and looked at her father again. He sighed.

 ** _"We will bring the rest on the horse in a bit, just go already!"_** he urged, pretending as if the girls' presence was a nuisance.

Lexa smiled and dragged her friend away, practically running.

"Alex! Alex! Slow down!" Costia requested. She wanted a chance to get her bearings, look around, and Lexa's quick pace didn't allow it. "Where are we going?"

Lexa stopped in her tracks, making Costia bump right into her back. "Ow," Costia blurted.

"Sorry," Lexa offered sheepishly. "We're going to the huge tower you heard so much about."

"Great, let's go!" Costia encouraged but her friend remained static. "Lex? Aren't we going?"

"I'm sorry," Lexa said, lowering her head in shame.

"Yeah, you just said that. It's okay, let's go," Costia tried enthusiastically.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry. About the other thing," Lexa clarified, making herself maintain eye contact with her friend.

Costia bit her lip, trying to not let a little smile sneak through. "What little thing?" she prompted innocently.

Lexa sighed. "You know what thing."

"Oh, you mean that thing from months ago that you already apologized for a million times and that we've already resolved?" Costia offered nonchalantly.

"I wanted to say it face to face," Lexa insisted, not letting her friend's antics distract her from the importance of the moment.

"Great, and now you did. So, can we go and see the cool tower?" Costia challenged sweetly.

Lexa smiled at her widely. Costia tried to make it easy on her, and she succeeded.

"Let's go see the cool tower," Lexa agreed happily.

* * *

"This is incredible!" Costia's eyes lit up like a child's eyes. There were on the elevator that was basically a huge crane, making their way up, getting a nice view of Polis from above while they were at it.

"I knew you'd appreciate a ridiculously big crane," Lexa chuckled. She was glad that Costia was already taken by the capital. "It's science, after all," she pointed out.

"Yes it is, physics, specifically," Costia specified cheekily.

"Oh, shut up," Lexa rolled her eyes, but in truth, she couldn't be happier and based on the look on Costia's face, her best friend knew as much.

The elevator came to a stop. "Why are we stopping?" Costia pouted. They were the only ones in the elevator so she couldn't imagine anyone was getting off before them which meant that was the end of their ride.

"This is as far as we go," Lexa chuckled, confirming her friend's suspicion and finding her irritation adorable.

"But why?" Costia whined. "We're not even half way up!"

"Sorry, Cos, that's where the novitiates' quarters are. If I'm ever **_Heda_** …"

" **When** you are **_Heda_** ," Costia reminded and earned herself a sweet smile.

"Well, either way, he lives all the way up there," Lexa shrugged.

"Keep the binoculars handy, that's all I'm saying," Costia jumped off the elevator, followed by her best friend. "Where to?" She asked and looked around in awe. It may have not been the top floor, but it was still huge.

She walked a few steps deeper into the hallway while Lexa fumbled with her bags behind.

 ** _"Well what have we here?"_** A stranger boy popped out of nowhere. **_"I haven't seen you here before. Are you lost? Because I'm very good with giving directions."_**

Lexa rolled her eyes and was quick to catch up and stand by her friend's side. **_"Leave her alone, Garrick,"_** Lexa told her classmate impatiently. **_"She's not lost, she has her best friend to show her around."_**

 ** _"That's your best friend, Leksa? You never said she was so cute,"_** he complimented, a self satisfied smile adorning his face.

Costia blushed. It wasn't the first time she has been referred to as cute, but she had a feeling this Garrick person meant it in a different way, a way that she wasn't yet comfortable enough to analyze. She wasn't sure this boy was a person she wanted to invest these kinds of thoughts in, either way.

 ** _"Don't listen to him, Kos,"_** Lexa made sure Garrick would hear. **_"He calls all the girls cute."_** When Lexa saw Costia's face fall she was quick to add **_"and that doesn't mean you're not more special than all the other girls, just that he wouldn't appreciate you enough,"_** she concluded and glared at the boy who was actually a good friend of hers, but Costia was her **best** friend.

 ** _"Oh, so that's how it is,"_** Garrick teased smugly.

 ** _"That's how what is?"_** Lexa asked in confusion and exchanged glances with Costia which confirmed that her best friend was just as confused as she was.

 ** _"Nothing, carry on, get settled. It's nice to meet you, Kostia, I'm sure I'll see you around,"_** he nodded politely, to which Costia responded with a nod of her own, then he left.

"What was that all about?" Costia inquired in puzzlement.

Lexa shrugged. "That's just Garrick being Garrick. He's really sweet, underneath that layer of… being a boy. You'll see. But I still wish you met Myr first."

Costia smiled. She heard a lot about Myr, who was about their age and lost her mother at birth. Costia's birth was complicated as well, but she was a bit luckier than Myr and got six more years with her mother. Lexa said Myr was direct, and funny, and on occasion Costia even envied their friendship when she read about her in Lexa's letters. But Lexa always realized how Costia must have felt and said the right things to let Costia know she had nothing to worry about.

The **_Natblida_** were like siblings, but there was always a barrier there, that self-defense mechanism that only the acknowledgement that one day you might have to kill your brothers and sisters could create.

"You have one more novitiate arriving this year, right?" Costia wondered out loud, remembering that Lexa mentioned another **_Natblida_** who was coming of age in a few months time.

"Yes, and then another one in about a year," Lexa confirmed. She scanned Costia's face but Costia just smiled at her without saying anything.

Lexa knew how her friend felt about the whole concept of a battle to the death, especially among children, and she appreciated that Costia at least knew it mattered to Lexa enough to not speak against it. Not today, when they were finally united, not while they were walking down the hallways of the floor that served as the novitiates' quarters.

"We're here," Lexa declared happily as they reached her door. She opened it and walked in.

"Alex, this is really nice!" Costia was pleasantly surprised. She didn't know what to expect but she figured a novitiate room would be more scarce. Instead, there was a subtle scent of incense, a small table with a quill and a pile of empty papers, a closet, a little book case next to the bed, and a whole bunch of candles which weren't currently lit but Costia assumed that in the night time gave the room a nice, cozy glow. There was also the window. They may have not been as high up as the Commander's quarters, but the view was still lovely.

"It's not much," Lexa rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly.

"Are you kidding? It's very you. It **is** pretty small, though, you sure you don't mind sharing?" Costia asked hesitantly.

"Well, I didn't have a family escort originally so they placed me in one of the smaller rooms but I can always ask Titus…"

"No, if you're not bothered, we managed with this big a space at home, too," Costia reminded softly. "As a matter of fact, this room might be a bit bigger," she observed.

"If you like it, I'd gladly share it with you," Lexa simplified.

"Oh, I like it. We'll mix all of our stuff together and it'll be just like home!" Costia announced, her excitement contiguous, Lexa realized when she couldn't hold back her joyful laughter.

"Come on," she said encouragingly, "we'll come back later, I just wanted to give you the initial tour, but let's find your dad and Indra and maybe I can show you the local bread store?"

"That sounds like a very tasty idea," Costia approved as they walked out for the first time of what was now **their** quarters.

* * *

Costia has been in Polis for a couple of months. Indra watched over her cautiously as the girl got her footing in the big city. She liked seeing Costia carry her eyes up to watch the buildings, find all the wonders. Costia would get an excited look on her face and go further down a street to explore more. If anyone looked at her the wrong way as she passed by, Indra was quick to follow with her hand on her sword and the scoundrels got the message. Costia never noticed her, or if she did, she never let it show, which Indra appreciated. In truth, Indra knew Costia was probably the last person who needed her protection, but even though the tiny girl could take anyone who tried to harm her, a stern, grown woman with a blade was still more intimidating than said tiny girl.

A few days after she got to Polis Costia got a job at the local bread store, just like Lexa predicted. The owners were impressed with her skill and knowledge of the work and when she explained that her stepmother owned the only bread store in Ton DC it turned out the owners knew Dara. They gladly gave Costia the job and Costia gladly sent most of the money home and kept a small portion to herself, allowing her to enjoy the scents and flavors that Polis had to offer. On occasion she would see something that she knew Lexa would love and would buy it for her best friend. As a novitiate, Lexa had most of her basic needs taken care of. She was given a place to live, she was fed, her battle gear and clothes were attended to, but for that reason she also didn't have any currency of her own and it was on Costia and Indra to spoil her on occasion. Costia loved doing it, and Indra loved watching her do it.

After a while, the young girl developed a routine. She'd work from dawn until dusk during the weekdays, and on the weekends that she remained in Ton DC she'll drag Lexa to explore something new in the city. Lexa loved showing her around, deepening Costia's connection to the clans' culture just like Costia used to do for Lexa in the mountain. Lexa knew her best friend would be fascinated by the city and that her imaginative nature would lead her to seek and investigate all corners of Polis. When Lexa took her to the library Costia was beside herself.

 ** _"It's reminds me of this huge library I've seen in a movie once,"_** she later told Indra enthusiastically.

 ** _"What's a movie?"_** was Indra's confused reply.

Every other weekend Costia went back to Ton DC and came back to Polis with all sorts of goods and stories a few days later. Whenever she was gone it was as if Lexa retreated into a shell to only emerge from again once Costia was back. On Costia's part, it was very clear that the return to Polis was a bitter sweet thing. She loved the city, she loved sharing her home and intimate moments with Lexa like they've done for nearly half of their lives, but she also missed home, and the sort of quietness that only existed in the woods. Lexa understood that because she missed the same things.

 _She truly is a person of two worlds,_ Indra thought about the young girl from the mountain. A girl she grew to respect.

She realized Costia and herself shared something huge in common by being the people closest to Lexa. It was why Costia always came back to Polis. If Lexa won in the conclave when it was time, the future possibilities were endless, Indra knew, and if Lexa lost? Well, if she lost then at least she and Costia spent those final years together.

Indra was watching Lexa train, all these thoughts swirling in her mind, as Costia appeared by her side. Indra saw her every few days, spending her lunch break watching Lexa from afar as well. She never joined Indra before, just nodded at her in acknowledgment which currently made Indra wonder what was different about today.

Maybe Costia was missing home more than usual and just wanted something familiar. After all, Lexa had a whole life in Polis, she was busy and spent time with Costia during a very small portion of the day. Costia was left on her own to figure out what her life in Polis were meant to be like. The more Indra got to know Costia, the more she realized the girl wouldn't be satisfied baking bread forever.

When Costia didn't say anything for a while longer, Indra decided to break the silence. **_"She's the smartest one in that group,"_** Indra pointed out proudly.

 ** _"In any given group of people, she's always going to be the smartest one,"_** Costia corrected. _The prettiest one, too,_ she thought, not sure where the thought came from. Maybe it was because she was so used to being around her friend and then they were forced apart for a year, and later on for six months, that she suddenly noticed, partially acknowledging in an actual thought something that always existed within her as a notion. She stopped for a second to familiarize herself with the new found realization, but she didn't think much of it. It was just a "huh," moment, and then it was gone. She may have spent some more time trying to really understand the meaning of it all if Indra hadn't interrupt her trail of thoughts.

 ** _"I know it's hard, to be here and see her so focused, working toward something. I know it might feel lonely, or like you have no purpose,"_** Indra said in that tenderness that would show up on a rare occasion and shock everyone around her. Costia looked at her in surprise, but her surprise turned into a cheeky smile.

 ** _"I thought my purpose was to make sure she doesn't do anything silly. But I guess that's your job,"_** she teased.

 ** _"We can share,"_** Indra returned the smile. She seemed hesitant whether to say her next sentence or not but after a few moments she chose to speak. **_"And if you ever feel lonely, you can come look for me, you don't have to watch from the shadows,"_** she put her hand gently on Costia's shoulder and could see in Costia's eyes that the girl was genuinely touched.

 ** _"Thank you, Indra,"_** Costia offered, voice cracking very subtly, but Indra noticed.

Then, they were done with talking and turned back to watch the person who brought them to Polis, and brought them together.

* * *

Notes:

1\. The elevator ride - When I wrote this we were yet to see the elevator on the show (which we finally did around the season 3 finale). So when I had to give it my own touch, I imagined it as an external thing that would allow them to see the outside view as they climbed up.

2\. Costia mentioning a library she saw in a movie once - Beauty and the Beast, of course. I dream of having a library like that one day.


	16. De Seken Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 _Four Months Later…_

Costia soaked in a bath after a long day. Her days were always long because she started so early in the day and then tried to keep herself awake until Lexa was back from her classes, otherwise, Costia knew, she'd only see her best friend on the weekends and that's not what she moved to Ton DC for.

But inventory days were a whole different story. Granted, Lexa would still come back to their quarters later than Costia, but not by much. It was usually a fourteen hour day which included an extensive amount of labor. She was "young and full of energy" as the shop owner liked to remind her, and so by the end of an inventory day she was pretty sure her body would crumble into nothingness. She liked the baking, it was repetitive but it was also therapeutic and at least it was about creating something out of nothing. She always found new ways to make it creative and add to it her own personal touch, but inventory days?

It was just strenuous and not in the good way. Not in the challenging way of picking up a sword and analyzing the situation quickly and surprising the opponent. No. Carrying stuff around on her back was just that, carrying stuff around on her back.

She needed to be active in the kind of way that would stimulate her. She needed to use her brain. It made her think about the mountain and she was wondering how everyone there was doing. She knew there was much to be learned in Polis, too, but she had access to Polis. The mountain was a part of her life that she was missing.

She was trying to enjoy her bath but her mind was too pre-occupied. She sighed heavily and dipped herself completely. Liking the way the world sounded when she was underwater.

 _Bless you, Nyko,_ she thought as her muscles started to relax. Blissful, wonderful numbness. She wrote to him after her first inventory day at the shop. She didn't even have an agenda. She wrote because that's what she did, and he wrote back and added a small bag with powder in it.

 ** _"This is great for muscle pain,"_** he explained in the letter, **_"just take a small amount in the palm of your hand and spread it in the water before you take a bath. It smells really nice, too."_**

He was right about that. Sweet lavender smell. Kinda like Lexa's clothes always smelled.

She shuddered at the thought and pushed it away, letting herself instead focus on the effects of the miracle working powder, bringing herself up to the surface again.

That very day that Nyko sent the letter, Lexa came back from class completely sore, flopping on the bed face down and whining in pain.

Costia drew her a bath with the powder and managed to drag her to the washroom.

When Lexa finally came out a long hour later she had an amazed expression on her face. She was quick to hug Costia and call her a miracle worker.

"It's not me, it's Nyko," Costia objected, unintentionally inhaling the post-shower Lexa scent.

 _Lavender_ , present Costia remembered and rolled her eyes at herself.

Her set-up was nice. A bath by candle light, and a wooden board supported by the edges of the bath so she could read or write.

Lexa made it for her. Costia later learned that on one of Nardo's visits to Polis Lexa asked him exactly how to do it. Costia was very touched. For a first work of carpentry it wasn't bad at all.

She opened her most recent letter from Lincoln and started reading.

 ** _Kostia,_**

 ** _I hope you are well. You missed a visit this month and I'm sure Leksa was happy but I wasn't and neither was your family. I know you were sick and it's not your fault and I think it's adorable that Leksa took such a good care of you (please don't tell the possible future Heda that I called her adorable) but just so you know, Nyko said that the healers at Polis are shit and he probably even wrote you a whole letter about it._**

Costia snorted. She did have a new letter from Nyko waiting to be read.

 ** _Nothing much to report this time around. I want to leave, I do. Things are just getting more and more intense with father, and with you gone, Nyko so busy all the time, what reason is there for me to stay? There's so much to see out there. You are lucky. I know you don't always think so, I know you sometimes think it's a burden to belong to two places, but you've seen things. You know things. You should listen to Leksa when she tells you that it makes you special because she's right. You can be lucky and also special, it's not one or the other, and I envy that. What I told you, about that man when I was younger? I got a glimpse of something different that day. And then you came along and I got more glimpses of something different. And now that some of you are gone, some are pre-occupied, there's a void, ever since mom died, and we've talked about this before, but it won't go away. I need something to fill that void. Maybe it's a thing, maybe it's a place, maybe it's a person. Do you think it's possible? To have a person who is actually capable of distracting you of how much you've lost?_**

She didn't have to think if it was possible, she knew it was, and so did Lincoln.

 ** _Of course you do. I envy that, too. I'm sorry this one is so gloomy. Well, at least you'll be happy to know that Anya found me the other day and dragged me to train with her and we've trained together every day since. I think she needed a new prodigy. She seems happy with my skill which I take as a huge compliment considering, you know, she got to train with you and Leksa._**

 ** _Come visit already, okay?_**

"Okay," Costia agreed sleepily. The coziness of the softly illuminated room started to take its effect.

She could feel herself dozing off, letter still in hand.

"Hi," her favorite voice in the world said quietly, bringing her back to lucidity rather than startling her.

"Mmm… hey," she offered with a yawn, turning her head to see her best friend leaning on the door frame.

Lexa looked down as Costia turned. It's something Costia noticed her best friend do more and more often whenever they were having their washroom talks. She didn't realize at first, but then she did, and she was trying to figure out if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

 _At least she stayed,_ Costia thought, remembering a similar situation a couple of weeks back in which Costia actually got all the way out of the bath and Lexa made a beeline into the other room. They've acted as if it didn't happen, as if Lexa left for a whole other reason, and Costia just became more aware of not creating a similar scenario in the days that followed.

At first she was sad. It's something they've done since they were kids. Taking a shower together, or later on talking to each other while the other took a shower. This was new. Costia supposed it was a part of them growing up, but it was something that they lost. The more time went by, the more they seemed to lose. All of a sudden not everything could be discussed. Each one of them was keeping things to herself. But were they growing apart, or were they growing into something else? Something that Costia just started to understand but she wasn't entirely sure Lexa was on the same page with her, or what the words on that page even read.

"What are you reading?" Lexa took interest, actually daring to look up when she realized there was no danger of seeing exposed skin. Costia was happy that she did.

"Just a letter from Lincoln," Costia answered sweetly, putting both her arms on the edge of the bath and leaning her chin on them. It was meant to make Lexa feel more comfortable. It succeeded.

"Anything interesting?" Lexa was genuinely interested in knowing of what was happening back home.

"Lincoln called you adorable," Costia shrugged. _I never actually made a promise not to tell her,_ she thought devilishly. She knew the kind of reaction the comment would evoke and indeed not a second later her best friend's face went sour.

"I am not adorable," Lexa protested with a pout. A pout that was adorable. "Why would he say that?"

"Because I was lying in bed half dead and you still managed to take care of me during your short breaks and basically nurture me back to health?" Costia smiled widely, stating the obvious. Lexa couldn't help but to smile right back at her.

"For what it's worth," Costia added quietly, "I think he's right," she swallowed hard, wondering if she was imagining the blush on her friend's face. It was hard to tell for sure in the dimly lit room, and even if Lexa did blush, it's not like Costia knew what to do with that information.

"Thanks," Lexa said quietly and Costia could swear her face got even redder. The acknowledgment of what Costia said, rather than ignoring it, made it worse. "I'll wait for you outside, I just need to unpack a few things," Lexa tried to exit as smoothly and nonchalantly as possible which seemed neither smooth nor nonchalant to the girl in the tub.

Compliments weren't the same between them, either.

 _It used to just be a compliment, is it flirting now?_ Costia wondered, slowly pushing herself out of the tub and reaching for a soft towel. She wasn't even sure she knew **how** to flirt, so admitting that she might've been doing it without even realizing was a weird notion. And since she wasn't sure what all of Lexa's responses meant, she didn't know if the flirting was a good thing or a bad thing either.

She dried herself up quickly and put her sleeping clothes on.

"Lex?" She started softly, leaning on the same doorframe Lexa did moments ago, but looking into the bedroom rather than into the washroom.

"Mmm?" Lexa looked up from her own letter that she was reading, eyes radiating such warmth towards the girl by the doorframe that Costia's breath caught up in her throat, yet at the same time she felt reassured, she felt loved. She still had to ask the question, though. She needed to know for sure.

"You still like that I'm here, right?" she blurted before she lost her nerve. Her friend, however, seemed to be really shaken by the question. She took a moment before she replied and Costia thought that maybe Lexa figured out why she was asking. It was comforting.

"Cos, of course," Lexa finally replied genuinely and got up to walk toward her friend. "It's what keeps me grounded." She reached Costia and hesitated a moment before speaking again. "It's what keeps me happy," she finished, locking eyes with Costia to make sure her friend knew it was the absolute truth.

Costia nodded and Lexa examined her face in concentration before taking Costia's hand in her own.

"Why would you even think otherwise?" she asked, clearly upset.

"It's nothing, Alex, I just know how busy you are, and you come home every night exhausted, and I'm here and maybe it bothers you that I'm always here," Costia tried, but Lexa knew that wasn't really why the question was asked. It didn't matter. Costia was concerned, Lexa reassured her and that was really all that mattered to Lexa. Even if there were things between them that weren't discussed.

"Well, it doesn't bother me," Lexa stated honestly. "I love that you are here when I come back."

"Okay but let me know if that ever changes?"

Lexa realized Costia was trying to give her an out. She wasn't sure an out of what, exactly, but she wasn't going to take it either way.

"It will never change, Costia," Lexa smiled and after another short hesitation she leaned in to kiss her friend's cheek. It was soft and smelled nice from the shower.

 _There,_ Lexa thought, _I hope that answers what you really meant to ask._

Costia stood there absolutely paralyzed. Lexa pretended nothing was out of the ordinary.

 _So much pretending,_ she realized. But it didn't matter to her. As long as Costia was the last thing she saw every night and the first thing she saw every morning. They weren't ready, for that thing that Lexa couldn't name yet but started to understand at least, to feel.

"I'm going to take a bath myself, go to sleep, I know it was inventory day." Lexa offered her frozen friend a soft smile and took off her top.

She turned away from Costia so she didn't notice her friend gulp. Costia couldn't look away, so instead she got into bed.

"I'll be here," she promised from under the covers as her best friend gave her a last joyful glance and walked into the washroom.

Costia was staring at the ceiling, wondering how come they've shared a room for half of their lives, and now, all of a sudden, Lexa's back muscles mattered so much.

She turned to her side and shut her eyes, trying to shut the thoughts out, too. It didn't work.

Why did she always wait for every day to end? And not because she was bored, even, but because she was longing for the moment at the end of the day when Lexa would come in after a long day, take a shower, and moments later, Costia, who was already on the verge of sleep, would feel arms wrap around her and would shudder at the touch.

 _Lavender._

She always wondered if Lexa felt it, the shudder, and Lexa on her part always released a breath on Costia's neck as their bodies met.

Because yes, she felt it.

* * *

Notes:

Lincoln's letter - Unlike the letters so far, this one is written in **_Trigedasleng_** which is why the formatting is different.


	17. De Seken Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

 _Six months later…_

She was sitting on a tree branch next to Lincoln, feeling guilty for wishing he was Lexa. It used to be much harder to leave home behind and go back to Polis, but the more time went by, the harder it became to leave Lexa behind and come home to Ton DC.

 _Thank god for the cutest of little brothers who adds some perspective to life,_ she thought.

 ** _"Do you think we are getting too old for this?"_** Lincoln wondered out loud. **_"Sitting up here, I mean."_**

 ** _"Too old? I don't know. Too heavy, maybe,"_** Costia teased, bumping shoulders with her friend who's gotten extremely buff. **_"Anya is clearly doing a god job with you."_**

 ** _"And then we have you, still short, always short,"_** Lincoln pointed out mockingly.

 ** _"Yeah, okay, but not as short as I used to be!"_** She protested. **_"And more importantly, still capable of gloriously throwing you into the ground,"_** She reminded and he knew it was true because it's exactly what happened the day before when he made the mistake of challenging her into a friendly combat.

 ** _"I don't think that will ever change,"_** he admitted.

 ** _"It won't,"_** Costia assured smugly, making Lincoln snort. He was far from being the only person who would end up on the ground when fighting Costia, so he didn't take it to heart.

 ** _"Happy to see Polis did nothing to soften that ego,"_** he elbowed her.

 ** _"I train with a novitiate every weekend. The one who is top of her class, it's only going to make me better, you know,"_** she pointed out. He didn't need to know that said novitiate would also end up on the ground more often than not.

Thinking about Lexa made her bite her lip. Sparring with Lexa has always been fun, especially considering Costia almost always won, but lately it was even more satisfying than usual.

She particularly recalled a session from a few weeks prior during which both of them found themselves on the ground. Lexa was flat on her back, Costia above her, arms stretched on both sides of Lexa's body. They were breathing heavily and Costia had to stand up and walk a few steps away before she would do something that felt extreme to her at the time. But that close proximity, that specific position, was intoxicating.

 ** _"Kostia? You still with me?"_** Lincoln asked knowingly.

 ** _"Yeah,"_** she swallowed hard, **_"yeah, still here."_** She offered him a small smile but seemed a bit distant.

 ** _"What is it?"_** He inquired softly. She looked at him hesitantly but didn't say a word. **_"Come on, Kos, you can tell me."_**

 ** _"It's Leksa,"_** she finally blurted out anxiously.

 ** _"What about Leksa?"_** He encouraged innocently. He had seen it coming for months. The way Costia talked about Lexa even more than ever before, both when she was visiting home and in her letters, but at the same time would get quiet whenever she discussed Lexa, get lost in thoughts. So he knew, but he wanted to allow Costia to choose her own words and pace for the admission.

Right before she was about to speak they heard giggles from below. They looked down and saw a boy and a girl, both a few years older than themselves.

The couple was a few trees away, completely oblivious that they were being watched from above.

The guy pushed the girl against the tree. She giggled again and then he leaned in and kissed her.

Lincoln examined his friend's face. Her eyes were locked on the sight in concentration. She was biting her lip again.

The guy whispered something in the girl's ear, something Lincoln and Costia couldn't hear from the top of the tree. The girl nodded and hand in hand they disappeared deeper into the woods.

Costia released a breath as she watched them leave. **_"That,"_** she admitted in a barely audible voice. There was something pained about her expression.

 ** _"What?"_** Lincoln asked in confusion.

 ** _"I want that…"_** she shook her head trying to put her thoughts in order, **_"I want to do that. With Aleks."_**

He gave her a huge smile but she didn't notice. She was too busy having a small breakdown over the fact that it was the first time she actually uttered the words out loud.

She then looked at him, noticing his enthused reaction.

 ** _"Why are you smiling?"_** She demanded miserably.

 ** _"More importantly, why are you not?"_** He was trying to sound understanding, trying to convey that whatever she was feeling, it was fine.

Costia groaned then put her face in her hands, shutting her eyes and trying not to think.

 ** _"She's my best friend!"_** She finally stated in frustration.

 ** _"So?"_** Lincoln chuckled which just irritated the already anxious girl even more.

 ** _"So? What if I try something and she doesn't feel the same way and I ruin our friendship?"_** She demanded aggressively, looking at Lincoln as if he was stupid and should have figured it out on his own.

 ** _"Did you ask her how she feels?"_** He raised an eyebrow, not at all impressed with Costia's little verbal tantrum.

 ** _"Of course not, like I said, what if she doesn't feel the same?"_** She pouted, but underneath that there was real fear. **_"Is this too much of a girl talk for you?"_** She finally asked when she saw the dismissive expression on Lincoln's face. Maybe talking to him was a mistake.

 ** _"Of course not,"_** he assured, realizing what his reaction may have caused Costia to think. **_"I'm your sensitive guy friend, remember?"_**

She snorted immediately, saying **_"yeah, right,"_** but feeling a bit better.

He took her hand in his and switched to English.

"She feels the same way," he promised.

She looked him with teary eyes. Lexa always spoke to her in English, trying to give Costia's mountain origins a safe space to exist in. Costia loved her all the more for that. But when any of her other friends switched to English it was because they wanted her to really **listen**. She was listening now. She knew Lincoln meant what he said, believed what he said. But that didn't mean it was true.

She shook her head again. "You can't possibly know that," she scoffed.

"I can," he deflected. "You two always looked at each other in a certain way. I think that's why I am always so jealous of you for having that. I think everyone around you realized it a long time ago," he concluded sympathetically.

"It's too complicated, Linc."

"You need to tell her," he insisted.

"I can't."

"Why?"

Costia sighed. "She's a novitiate," she stated the obvious, but Lincoln wasn't convinced as he quirked his eyebrow up challengingly. Costia rolled her eyes and continued. "She has so much on her mind already, she's always studying which is the most important thing for her right now, she'll be **_Heda_** one day and having a mountain girl by her side might just get in her way," Costia sneered. The people were one thing, but politicians? She couldn't imagine the ambassadors looking too kindly on the fact that the person closest to the Commander is someone who was born on the enemy's side of the invisible borders. "And then there's her teacher," Costia scoffed.

"What about him?"

"He's constantly trying to teach them that having close personal ties is not a good thing for a Nightblood," Costia explained. "I always get the feeling that he's not entirely happy that I'm there."

"Does he really say that? About the personal ties?" Lincoln questioned in surprise.

"He does, constantly, and they constantly don't listen. I mean, by default you would expect them to hate each other, they are all competitors, but they love each other. They know no one else understands what it's like to be them."

Lincoln nodded in understanding, realizing the truth of Costia's assessment. He also started to understand where the **_Fleimkepa_** was coming from but he didn't see much point in a life without personal ties. He couldn't imagine that anyone, even the greatest of leaders, would do a very good job without any support system, without confidants and loved ones.

 _Why would a Commander, any Commander, want to protect something that he can't experience or understand himself?_ Lincoln pondered. _When we love something, we fight for it._

"She came back from class one day," Costia continued, not even realizing that Lincoln was lost in thought, "and she was so distraught, Linc. I had to milk it out of her, how aggressively he spoke against personal ties? He always threw little comments here and there but I guess that day he went all out. She felt miserable telling me this. It was a bad day for all the novitiates because most of them have a parent in Polis. But I think it hit her the hardest."

"Which is just proof that she feels the same way you do," Lincoln suggested, trying to see the glass half full. She looked at him as if she never considered that this was why Lexa was so broken over Titus' words.

"I get what you are trying to say," Lincoln continued, "about your origins, about the most important thing in her life being her training, but you need to let her make her own decision. Lay it out there, let her choose. She's brilliant. Your words."

"You know there's a chance she was just upset about the **_Fleimkepa_** 's words because I'm her best friend, right?" Costia tried to brush off.

"If you don't ask her, you'll never know."

"And then there's the other thing," she blurted subconsciously, regretting it right away.

"What other thing?" Lincoln scrunched his nose in confusion.

"Never mind," Costia gave him a warning glare.

"Costia…" he probed.

"It's not important, Linc. It's not relevant," she stated. As far as she was concerned this conversation was over.

"Okay," he yielded, not wanting to upset his already worked up friend even further. "But is it something that will keep you apart?" he asked gently, letting her know he didn't need to know the details, just how it affected her current predicament.

"No. I won't let it," she declared decisively.

 _I can't let it,_ she thought.

"Then what's stopping you from talking to her?"

She looked at him, but he could see she still had doubts and he knew it probably had something to do with not wanting to be turned down.

"How does she treat you?" He decided to change his tactic.

Costia got this dreamy look on her face as her eyes left his and he knew she was reliving things, seeing it in her mind. But as long as she kept talking, he hoped she'll reach a positive conclusion.

"She's… she's always trying to make sure I'm happy. When I just got to Polis it was harder, and she knew that, so she always asked if there was something she could do. She made sure I knew all the novitiates so that I had more friends in the city. She always asks me how my day was, and listens. Really listens. I mean, she always did, but I just look at her and I know she genuinely cares, not just trying to be polite. If I stir in bed when the sun comes up she always gets out of bed to draw the curtains. If it's cold at night and I shiver she always gets up and brings another blanket. I'm not even awake enough to understand what's happening half of the time, but all of a sudden I'll be awake, and realize I'm not cold or bothered by the sun anymore, and she'll just give me a smile and say "go back to sleep.""

 _Actually, she'll give me a smile, kiss my forehead and then tell me to go back to sleep,_ she thought, but she wasn't ready to share that with Lincoln just yet even though she started to understand that he might actually be right.

She looked at him hesitantly to see his reaction to everything she said up until that point, but he just smiled encouragingly, clearly wanting her to continue.

"And then there are the looks," she continued and felt her entire body getting warm at the memories. "Looks when she visits me at the bread shop, looks when she trains and I'm watching her from afar. Titus doesn't like it when I stop by but I think she's trying to show off so much when I'm there that she ends up pinning people to the ground constantly," Costia chuckled and Lincoln joined her. "And there's touching," she released a breath. "All sorts of touching. Subtle, wonderful touching, on knees and arms, and backs. It feels like fire," she concluded, looking far away, maybe toward Polis.

"I think you are in love," Lincoln observed tenderly, trying to not scare his friend too much but thinking she needed to hear the words. She looked at him in horror.

Then she surprised him by groaning and saying "I know."

"She loves you, too, I'm sure of it."

She looked at him like she finally believed him. His plan worked. Listing all the ways in which Lexa cared about her, saying it out loud, made her doubts fly out the window. It was hard to believe Lexa **didn't** feel the same way.

"I need to go back there, right now," she understood suddenly.

"Now? But, it's still early," he pouted in disappointment.

"I know. But I can't stay here."

It's almost like something took over her. She had to head back to the village, she had to say bye to her family, and then she **had** to go and see Lexa, the sooner the better.

* * *

Lexa was lying down in bed, feeling guilty for ultimately being lazy. She was trying to justify her current actions by reminding herself that she worked hard all week, and that her favorite weekend sparring partner was visiting home. Costia's absence made her miserable so she allowed herself some moping.

 _Could I still mope when I'm Commander? Do Commanders mope?_

Just as she was about to internally declare herself as the mopiset person in all the clans, the door shot open and Costia rushed in in a hurry.

She was startled by Lexa's presence, as if she was about to drop her things, leave, and then find her best friend's whereabouts, not find her usually active best friend lying in bed doing nothing.

That unexpected surprise made her lose her nerve entirely. She came back to Polis a girl on a mission, but now her brain was flailing.

Lexa wasn't doing much better. She fought tooth and nail the urge to tell Costia how much she missed her. Her friend was only gone for three days but Lexa wanted to jump off the bed, wrap her arms around Costia, and never let her go again. She couldn't do all that. She couldn't be so clingy. And so, with the two girls paralyzed by the surprise of each other's presence, their verbal/non-verbal conversation had begun.

"You're back," Lexa said happily, trying to not sound **too** enthusiastic.

 _I missed you._

"I am," Costia confirmed, mirroring her best friend's smile.

 _I missed you, too._

"Earlier than I'd expect," Lexa pointed out all casual like.

 _Not nearly early enough._

"Yeah, I wanted to get here before sundown," Costia shrugged.

 _I couldn't stand being away from you for another minute._

"Do you want to go and grab something to eat? You must be starved." This one was actually pretty straight forward.

"No, honestly, I'm just tired. Can we take a nap?"

 _I want to lie next to you, I want you to hold me, I want to feel you all around me._

"Of course we can."

 _That's exactly what I want as well._

Costia smiled shyly at her best friend. She went into the washroom to quickly splash her face at least, feeling a bit cleaner before heading into bed. She took her clothes off and came back into the bedroom moments later in her undergarments.

"All good?" Lexa asked, looking comfortable under the covers.

 _Come here already._

"Yeah, just wanted to feel a bit cleaner and not so… traveled, before getting into bed," Costia explained sheepishly.

 _I am, that's exactly what I'm doing._

Costia walked to the bed and lied down, placing herself in front of Lexa, waiting impatiently to feel the familiar embrace that she loved so much. Lexa's arms found their way over her stomach a moment later as they both sighed in content.

Lexa's released a breath on Costia's neck like she always did. Costia shuddered at the feeling like she always did.

"I'm really glad you're back," Lexa admitted quietly.

 _I love you._

"I'm really glad I'm back, too."

 _I love you, too._

Lexa contemplated kissing Costia's neck. It'd be so easy, it felt like that kind of moment, and she'd been wanting to do it forever.

 _No,_ she decided, using all of her will power to shut her eyes. _No. I already said too much._


	18. De Seken Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

 _4 months later…_

Lexa was sneaking down the alley, doing the best she could to not be followed. The stakes were incredibly high. If she managed to go unnoticed, well, that would lead to some very rare, during-daylight-hours, quality time with Costia. But if she got caught, well, if she got caught a group of seven more novitiates will crash her Costia time.

She knew they'll catch up to her either way. They were a smart bunch, all of them, it didn't take a genius to know where Lexa would go if they got some impromptu free time.

Like Myr always said, " ** _where there's a Costia, there's a Lexa_**."

Lexa smirked at the thought. It was true, and if it was up to her it would remain true.

She turned a corner and spotted the bread shop.

It was a rainy day, but at least it wasn't pouring. She covered herself with the hood of her cloak and crossed the street to the little store. It was the owner's lunch hour, she knew. She was going to have Costia all to herself. The thought made her giddy as she walked faster and entered the store.

Her best friend was behind the counter, braiding bread so meticulously that she didn't even hear Lexa come in. Her eyebrows were furrowed in concentration in that cute way Lexa loved so much and just looking at Costia doing something that she enjoyed, something that she referred to as therapeutic, made Lexa's heart full.

"I'll take some of that," she announced happily, startling her friend and following with a healthy laughter.

Costia put her hand on her chest and took a big breath, but eventually she smiled widely at her best friend who was now standing right in front of her but across the counter.

"It's raw, Alex," she pointed out.

"I can wait," Lexa shrugged, "I'm willing to wait forever for certain things," she flirted, making Costia gulp.

It seemed like they took turns at it lately. Once they figured out, each on her own, what they were doing, they weren't able to stop. One of them would tease the other, subtly touch the other, shamelessly flirt with the other, and the other one? The other one would get completely flustered and act as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Lexa was just glad that today was her turn to make Costia all flustered.

And flustered her best friend was.

Costia bit her lip and eventually asked, almost whispered, "what are you doing here?"

"Titus is sick!" Lexa didn't even try to hide her excitement. "Sick enough to have cancelled class. That never happens! A year ago he threw up on Allana and a moment later yelled at me for giving Myr an opening."

"I remember," Costia chuckled. Lexa told her all about it afterwards. "Lucky you, getting class cancelled just in time for the weekend."

"I know!" Lexa was rocking her feet on the floor in excitement.

"Should we be expecting seven more novitiates here?" Costia inquired teasingly.

"Probably, but It'll still take them a while to figure it out," Lexa shrugged. "Is the family coming in today or tomorrow?"

This was going to be such a great weekend. Not only did it start early, but their family was coming to visit.

"Today," Costia confirmed in joy, finding Lexa's current mood to be contagious.

"Did you tell Dara we are stealing Aden?" Lexa investigated, suddenly very serious.

"I did." Any other person would try to get between her and Lexa during night time and Costia would probably throw a fit. But Aden? Aden was forgiven, and soft, and cute. They both wanted to hug him and he wanted to be hugged.

"We are spoiling him," Lexa scratched her forehead.

"So much," Costia agreed, finishing the work on the bread and putting it on a wooden board and into the oven.

"Do you need help?" Lexa asked kindly.

"No, I'm good. Thanks, Alex." She squeezed Lexa's hand on the counter, dirtying it with flour. Lexa didn't care at the least.

"What did Dara say when you asked her?" Lexa inquired, trying to ignore the tingling feeling in the hand Costia just touched. It would happen so often nowadays that she just learned to live with it.

"She said something like "oh, well," but honestly? I think dad and her want some alone time," Costia finished without thinking and immediately blushed as she looked at Lexa.

At their age, with the things that they started to realize about themselves and the couples around them, they had to admit, each to herself, that their sleeping arrangement wasn't so innocent anymore.

The timing for these kinds of thoughts couldn't have been worse. Lexa examined her friend's flour stained face. **That** was cute. But then Costia turned to the oven to take out a loaf she put there before Lexa came in.

Lexa watched as her friend's arm and back muscles flexed as she reached the oven which was slightly higher than Costia's height. She watched as her friend moved, limited by her height but used to the space, and strong enough to carry the weight of the wooden board on which the loaf was. Costia was sweating, and once she put the loaf down she wiped her forehead with her arm. **That** was not cute. **That** was something else altogether. Something that made Lexa lick her lips.

Then, the seemingly innocent, only-doing-her-job Costia, looked up and her eyes burned holes in Lexa.

Lexa knew what the subtext was. It was "who is flustered now?"

 _Dammit,_ Lexa berated herself. _She always does that! Acting all innocent like and then use some evil trickery to make me lose._

But Lexa couldn't even care. This was ridiculous. It was time they have a talk about this. She wanted to lean in and clean Costia's flour covered face with her lips.

She couldn't do something like that before they talked. She really, **really** needed to talk.

"Cos, listen…"

The door flew open and Lexa didn't even need to look who it was before she groaned and knew she was busted.

 ** _"There you are, you sneaky weasel!"_** Garrick's tone was unmistakably blamatory.

 ** _"Here I am. So?"_** Lexa played the fool.

 ** _"Oh, don't act like this is obvious and completely okay! You were trying to ditch us!"_** Myr complained, arms crossed on her chest.

 ** _"I did not!"_** Lexa denied, making Costia smirk behind the counter as she picked up a knife and started to slice the freshly baked loaf. She knew the novitiates would demand some amazingly smelling goods, and the owner didn't mind the **_Natlbida_** getting some treats on occasion.

She was about to hand the first slice to Lexa who shook her head and said "no, I want one of yours."

 ** _"Of course she does,"_** Fid rolled his eyes. **_"She wants everything you have to offer,"_** he concluded, finding himself on the floor with his hand twisted behind his back a moment later.

Costia snorted so hard, she had to cover her mouth so she won't spit on the bread.

Lexa was keeping this tough front but in truth she was upset because she was embarrassed. He was right when he said she wanted everything Costia had to offer, except she wasn't entirely sure of what that would entail and that made her extremely self conscious.

She took comfort in the fact that Costia was probably in the same boat, but when her older classmates teased her it felt like superiority. She did not like it.

"Let him go, Lex," Costia chuckled.

"But he's an idiot," Lexa glared at Fid.

 ** _"You know I'm right here, right? Is she glaring? I can't see if she's glaring,"_** he smirked from his placement on the floor.

 ** _"He's a harmless idiot who confessed to me a few days ago that most of the time he doesn't know what he's talking about,"_** Costia said off-handedly making most of the novitiates laugh. At least those who were old enough to understand what the subtext of the entire conversation referred to.

 ** _"Kostia! I told you that in confidence!"_** Fid blamed, as Lexa, now satisfied, released him, gave him a hand and helped him back up.

 ** _"Well but what do you expect when you behave like such a… guy?"_** Costia challenged with a raised eyebrow, knowing that he would probably want to give them some other inappropriate follow up.

He looked from Costia's challenging face to Lexa's. Her eyes were saying "think hard about what you're going to say next because it might lead to your early demise."

He smiled sweetly and sat by the counter, choosing wisely.

 ** _"Yeah, that's what I thought,"_** Costia gave him a self-satisfied scoff. **_"Eat your bread,"_** she added and put a plate in front of him. He quickly forgot about anything else as he breathed in the scent of fresh bread, and dug in.

 ** _"Is there cake for dessert?"_** Myr asked flatly. Costia knew she was excited by the prospect of cake, it's just that Myr was very… Anya like on occasion.

 ** _"You know that there is. But only if you ask nicely,"_** Costia smiled cheekily. She knew how to get through Myr's stoic appearance and indeed she garnered a smile as Myr sat down with a cheeky smirk of her own.

 ** _"Pretty please?"_**

Costia snorted and went to the back to bring out the cake while the rest of the Nightbloods sat themselves down, waiting in anticipation.

 _Was Myr just flirting with her?_ Lexa wondered.

She looked at Myr who quirked an eyebrow at her and shoved a piece of bread into her mouth.

 _She was! And on purpose!_

 ** _"Relax,"_** Myr rolled her eyes, **_"this girl only has eyes for you. Heck, if she was blind she'd still have eyes for you."_**

 ** _"I don't know what you mean,"_** Lexa replied innocently.

Myr shook her head, obviously thinking that Lexa's denial was ridiculous.

 ** _"Time passes, Leksa. In a year or two you might have some actual competition, and so will she,"_** Myr pointed out, making Lexa blush at the realization that Myr basically just called her beautiful. **_"And that's stupid, because you two are meant for each other and we never know how much time we get,"_** Myr added with a bittersweet smile.

Lexa knew she was right. But it was always about timing. One of them would hint at something, try to start **the** conversation and then lose her nerve.

 ** _"Is this because of what Titus always says?"_** Myr inquired in genuine concern.

 ** _"He is a wise teacher and I understand why he says these things, but he could never keep me away from her,"_** Lexa admitted quietly, blushing again upon realizing she just acknowledged her feelings out loud.

But Myr didn't mock, or tease. She offered Lexa a sympathetic smile instead. Myr was alone in Polis. If she could've had someone, she'd never let them go.

 ** _"Then what are you waiting for?"_** She asked sadly, then added **_"you are lucky, you have it. Do something about it."_**

 ** _"Here's cake!"_** Costia announced as she put a huge, deliciously looking chocolate cake in front of Myr's face which lit in delight.

 ** _"This is not all for Myr, is it?"_** Eli asked, trying to reach the cake and having his hand slapped away by Myr.

 ** _"That's for all of you guys to figure out,"_** Costia brushed off nonchalantly.

 ** _"You are never going to finish this on your own!"_** Allana protested.

 ** _"Watch me try!"_**

The novitiates kept fighting among themselves while Lexa just watched them and shook her head in disbelief.

"Here," her best friend said gently and won Lexa's attention and gaze. Lexa noticed there was now a plate with fresh bread right in front of her. "One of mine," Costia clarified sweetly. She gave Lexa a knowing, flirtatious smile and left to the back of the store once more.

* * *

 ** _"Hey little girl,"_** Nardo greeted lovingly as Costia jumped into his arms.

 ** _"I'm almost halfway to thirteen, Daddy,"_** Costia protested but her complaint had no real bite.

She was still covered in powder and it got all over her father.

 ** _"Kos, what are you doing to the poor man!"_** Lexa chuckled. Nardo didn't even realize until Lexa pointed it out.

 ** _"No!"_** He whined. **_"These are my decent clothes."_**

 ** _"You have no decent clothes,"_** Costia snorted.

 ** _"Don't be rude, and go take a shower. What about you?"_** He turned to Lexa. **_"Am I getting a hug from this little girl too?"_**

She nodded enthusiastically and wrapped her arms around him.

 ** _"Kostia! Leksa!"_** an almost three-years-old toddler appeared out of nowhere, paving a way between Nardo's legs.

 ** _"Where did you come from?"_** Nardo tsked.

 ** _"Aden!"_** Costia called in utter delight as he threw himself right into her waiting embrace. She kissed his face all over.

Dara joined them, chuckling at the sight.

 ** _"You have some flour on your face,"_** she noted and started to wipe Nardo's face with a cloth in a very wifely manner. The fiercest warrior in all the eight clans pouted.

 ** _"Leksa!"_** Aden demanded and put his arms forward to say that he required a transfer.

 ** _"That's it? Already sick of me?"_** Costia feigned hurt. **_"That's okay, I always prefer Leksa over anyone else, too,"_** she winked at her best friend and transferred their little brother into Lexa's arms.

 ** _"I missed you!"_** He announced excitedly and kissed Lexa on her cheek. It warmed Costia's heart. She knew her little brother didn't see Lexa as often as he got to see her when she went home for a visit. She knew how much Lexa loved him and she couldn't wait for all of them to cuddle together later that night.

She turned from the adorable sight to hug her step-mother lovingly.

 ** _"Hey, sweetie,"_** Dara offered, using the cloth still in her hand to wipe some of Costia's face.

 ** _"It's useless, you know enough to know that it is,"_** Costia smiled and shook her head. **_"I'm just going to take a shower in a bit."_**

 ** _"Hey, Dara,"_** Lexa joined them, holding Aden on her hip. She leaned in to give Dara a kiss on her cheek after realizing a hug might be too complicated with the toddler between them.

 ** _"Hey, honey. How are classes?"_** Dara asked, squeezing Lexa's free hand affectionately.

 ** _"Still the best one?"_** Nardo teased, putting one hand on Lexa's shoulder and the other on Aden's head so it was almost like he was framing the three of them in a photo. A photo that Costia enjoyed very much as she stared at them in adoration.

 ** _"I don't know if the best,"_** Lexa tried to at least appear humble which led Costia to scoff.

 ** _"Yes, father, teacher's pet is still perfect,"_** she mocked.

 ** _"Come on, Kos, I don't listen to everything Titus says,"_** Lexa gave her a meaningful look and Costia realized what she was referring to.

 _Personal relations. Me._

She gave Lexa a loving smile, letting her know that her message was received loud and clear. Then she cleared her throat and spoke again. **_"Dara, are you guys hungry? Need help with the bags?"_**

 ** _"I think we'll just head to the tavern to get a room, daughter,"_** her father replied.

 ** _"Yeah, we are exhausted, but we'll see you first thing tomorrow?"_** Dara inquired.

 ** _"Of course, and we can go to the market,"_** Costia confirmed. **_"How about that, little brother?"_** She turned to Aden and kissed his nose. **_"Do you want to go to the market and see all the food?"_**

 ** _"Yes!"_** He announced excitedly.

 ** _"You sure you want to take him tonight?"_** Dara tried to give them an out.

 ** _"Yes!"_** Both Costia and Lexa declared in unison.

 ** _"Dara stop trying to prevent this from happening! We finally get some alone time,"_** Nardo reminded once he was sure Aden's attention was elsewhere.

 ** _"Stop being selfish, Nardo,"_** Dara scolded. **_"I want to make sure the girls are fine with this."_**

 ** _"We are!"_** Lexa insisted. She wanted all the baby kisses.

 ** _"What do you say, son? Do you want to have a sleep over with your sisters?"_** Dara used her special Aden tone to get him excited, but she didn't need to work too hard. He wanted to be where he would get the most attention.

 ** _"Yes! Hooray!"_** He moved so much in Lexa's arms that she had to put him down.

 ** _"Good luck with that,"_** Nardo smiled smugly. **_"We'll see you tomorrow!"_** He grabbed Dara's hand and a few of their bags and dragged her away.

Costia shook her head and took Aden's hand in hers. **_"Come on! Want to see a really high tower?"_** She suggested ecstatically.

Lexa laughed at her friend's antics and took Aden's other hand. They were walking with him in the middle, picking him up in the air every few steps as he giggled in joy.

* * *

They were lying in bed, both Aden and Costia fast asleep. Lexa's hand was on top of Costia's, both laid on Aden's hip. He was currently snuggled into Costia's chest, but based on the last hour, she knew she'll get her turn soon enough because he kept switching sides in his sleep.

It was warm, and cozy and peaceful.

 _They are so beautiful,_ she thought as she scanned their faces.

She loved everything about this moment. Moments like these made her wish she'd live forever. Moments like these made her want to **win**. She was proud of her blood, longing to fulfill her duty, but **this** would keep her going. And so whatever Titus always told them, nothing made her want to become Commander more than this, making this last.

She shook her head, upset that thoughts of a future conclave invaded such a moment of pure joy.

She knew that her future would catch up with her at some point. She couldn't escape it, nor would she want to. She wasn't the kind of person who ran.

But it didn't mean the thoughts of what might happen didn't make her sad on occasion. She knew she was good, she knew the most important person in her world treated her sometimes like her Commandership was a done deal, but she'd still have doubts. She may have been a **_Natblida_** , but unlike the first Commander, she was still human, and not a god. And even their god died.

 _Death is not the end._

It was important for her to remember that, just like Waldron always said. Going into the conclave one day, or any battle, full of uncertainty, this is the one thing that would make the thought of a negative outcome bearable.

Lexa caressed Aden's soft hair, and moved to caress Costia's cheek.

"Go to sleep already, Commander," Costia mumbled, eyes shut. Lexa wasn't entirely convinced that Costia was actually awake.

She smiled peacefully, knowing that she was lucky, and loving the thought that at least a whole weekend of **this** was still ahead of them.

* * *

Notes:

1\. The bakery scene - I liked getting to play with two languages here when the girls are with the rest of the novitiates. Costia and Lexa naturally switch back and forth because they always use English amongst themselves, and I liked having them address each other in English even when there are other people around, people they feel comfortable with (they'd probably not do this so naturally around Titus.)

2\. Lexa thinking about timing - Big theme in this story, and in romance, and in life.

3\. I really enjoyed getting to explore the family-like dynamic between the novitiates a bit further in this chapter. To begin with, getting to create them and touch a bit on each of their characters on occasion ever since Lexa moved to Polis was quite enjoyable. It's complex, being them, feeling like a family but also knowing only one of them will survive.


	19. De Seken Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

 _3 months later…_

Lexa found herself pinned to the ground, her best friend's knee on her stomach preventing her from moving while Costia's hands were on both sides of Lexa's body. They've been here so many times before.

"Dead," Costia announced smugly, marking the end of their match.

Lexa didn't feel dead at all. As a matter of fact she felt very much alive.

They were in the woods outside of Polis' city lines. It was a weekend which meant Costia had Lexa all to herself and their sparring.

Costia started playing with the buckle on the top part of Lexa's armor. It broke in class earlier that week and Lexa was too pre-occupied to go and do something about it.

"You need to fix this thing or you'll poke someone's eye out, probably mine," Costia scolded. She knew Lexa might just forget about it one day and hurt herself when she was trying to scratch herself or something.

"Yes, mom," Lexa teased, happy to stay in their current position for as long as she could.

"I'm not your mom," Costia stated hoarsely, her eyes finding Lexa's lips.

Both girls swallowed hard and when Costia started to lean in Lexa thought Costia might actually do it, might actually finally kiss her.

They were past fearing that the other one didn't feel the same. They may have been too cowardly to actually say things out loud, but everything they did screamed the truth.

Lexa allowed herself to close her eyes as she waited for the moment she longed for to arrive.

Roar.

Costia flew back to her feet, looking around completely alert.

"What the **_jok_** was that?" She picked up her sword to be prepared for whatever it may have been.

Lexa was still in a bit of a daze but she finally realized what happened. She pouted as she stood up.

 _Whatever it was, I'm going to end it._

A bear cub walked out from between the bushes.

"Great," Lexa huffed. "It's an adorable cub. Now I can't kill it."

"Why would you **want** to kill it?" Costia looked at her in shock.

 _Because you were about to kiss me and the little fiend ruined it._

"Because the roads in these woods are dangerous as it is, and we can't just have bears walking around, harassing poor merchants," Lexa said the first thing that came to her mind. But her tone was so convincing that she thought she might actually get away with that.

"Since when do you worry about the merchants?" Costia quirked her eyebrow, watching as the bear cub kept going without giving them a second glance.

"A good Commander worries about all her people," Lexa recited condescendingly.

"Okay, then, **_Heda_** , we should probably get out of here. Where there's a cub there's a moth…"

Before Costia finished her sentence another roar was heard. It was much louder this time. They realized it wasn't the cub they heard originally either. They looked at each other in panic just as mama bear burst out of the bushes, launching at them.

"You know what we haven't done in a while?" Costia's voiced croaked.

"Climbed on a really tall tree?" Lexa replied, her pitch higher beyond normal.

"Yeah, that. Go!" Costia yelled and they ran to the nearest tree, climbing up as quickly as they could, grateful that their childhood provided so much practice.

They reached the top of the tree and sat on a branch while mama bear was trying to shake them down. They knew she would tire eventually.

The view from up there was spectacular as they could see the houses of Polis and the Commander's tower in the distance.

"This could've been really nice if it wasn't for the, you know, huge bear right below us trying to turn us into its lunch," Costia scratched her temple. Wondering how long they'd have to stay up there.

 _It could have been romantic, even,_ Lexa thought, scolding herself for having these kinds of thoughts in moments like this one.

"Great, and now it's eating **our** lunch," Costia growled when she noticed the bear poking at their bags. "We're going to starve here, Alexandra, and that's too bad because you would've made a great Commander," she gave Lexa a lopsided grin.

"You are not worried at all, are you?" Lexa questioned with a chuckle.

"Not at the least, no. She's already bored with us, she'll be gone soon," Costia stated in certainty. "Hey, you are bleeding," she noticed Lexa's arm suddenly.

"I guess I scratched my arm on a stone or something when you violently pinned me to the ground," Lexa smirked, making Costia flush.

"I did **not** violently pin you to the ground," she protested, "you lost a match," she reminded, taking Lexa's hand to examine the cut.

"Costia, it's just a stupid scratch. It's not even really bleeding anymore. If it were you you wouldn't even notice it," Lexa soothed.

"But it's not me, it's you and I care about you more than I care about me," Costia stated in annoyance, and as she realized what she said she locked eyes with Lexa, wondering if she revealed too much. She shouldn't have been worried. It's been like this ever since they've met. Only recently did acknowledging it became some weird big deal.

"I care about you more than I care about me, too," Lexa mirrored quietly, swallowing hard.

"Alex..." Costia sighed, but mama bear chose that moment to roar again, reminding the girls that as usual, the timing for **that** conversation was less than ideal to say the least.

 _We'll just have to wait her out,_ Costia thought, sitting herself back down on the branch, giving Lexa's cut one last glance to make sure her friend wasn't downplaying it.

"I've been reading something really interesting about blood in one of mom's books the other day," she mentioned casually, thinking about Lexa's cut.

"Oh?"

"It's called blood transfusion," Costia started, giving her friend a side glance to see if Lexa was interested in hearing more.

"Tell me," Lexa encouraged.

"So basically many people just die because they bleed out. Now, there are few different types of blood, which, I guess you should know better than anyone," Costia pointed out, earning a smile from Lexa.

"So what they used to do was to create like a… like a bank of blood, based on donations and…"

"Bank of blood?" Lexa asked in confusion.

"Yeah it's like… okay, remember how when we were young I told you doctors used to take blood samples with a needle and run tests on it?"

"Yeah?" Lexa wasn't so sure she wanted to revisit that topic. She didn't like the idea that secrets could be revealed through a person's blood. Especially since hers was meant to be sacred.

"So according to what I just read what they would do, they'll find donors who would willingly give a certain amount of their blood, enough so it's not fatal, and then they stored all that blood based on type so…"

"But why would people willingly give their blood?" Lexa shook her head. The concept of people willingly giving away what was literally their lifeblood seemed insane.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you!" Costia huffed in frustration. She should have known a **_Natblida_** would not like this topic. But her will to share her new findings with Lexa was too strong. "Once they labeled it by type, if someone was dying because they were losing too much blood, the doctors… well, they gave them blood from the bank and they saved their lives!"

Lexa glared at her. Costia realized her friend didn't want to hear anymore.

"You don't like this information," she concluded softly.

"What does it matter what I think about it? It's not even relevant nowadays," Lexa gritted her teeth.

"But, I mean, I read they managed to replicate blood, just imagine! What if one day we **can** do that? What if they can do that on the mountain? Even with Nightblood! Imagine they could replicate your blood!" Costia said excitedly, realizing right away that was not the best choice of words.

"Costia!" Lexa yelled in horror.

"What? Why are you so mad at me? What if one day you're laying somewhere half dead and this is a way to save your life? I am not going to apologize for thinking about that!" Costia yelled right back.

Lexa looked at her with a horrified expression, and Costia knew she was digging herself into a hole that was getting deeper and deeper, but she couldn't stop. She had to make Lexa understand that this could save people some day.

"I mean, we know that traditionally human blood is red. Finding the source of the Nightblood can help so much! There were never Nighbloods before the missiles. So where did they come from?"

"From the first Commander," Lexa stated aggressively, trying to tell Costia to not go there.

"Yeah but where did **she** come from?" Costia pushed. These questions swirled in her head for years but it was very clear, especially with Lexa, that the subject was taboo. But now they were at it, and since Lexa was already furious with her, she might as well say what's on her mind.

"From the sky. You know this, Costia," Lexa said sharply. "She was a god who walked among us."

"But…"

"What?" Lexa spat.

Costia took a deep breath and tried to choose her next words carefully. If she couldn't share this with Lexa, she couldn't share this with anyone. "Lincoln told me he once met a man who… fell from the sky," Lexa's eyes widened and Costia thought she never seen her friend in so much distress. Not even when she almost killed her with a boomerang. "What if that man was like the first Commander?" She finally blurted out.

"Costia!" Lexa looked at her in shock and then looked around to make sure no one else heard the words, which was pretty silly considering they were on a top of a tree.

"What if there are more people up there? Astronauts! Like we read about and saw in that film!"

"Don't say that, Costia! Lincoln lied, clearly!"

Costia have been thinking about it ever since Lincoln told her. She **finally** had one less thing to keep from Lexa. Her friend may not speak to her for weeks, but god, it felt liberating.

"But… why would he lie?" She asked softly. She knew he didn't. He had no reason to, but nothing was scarier to people than their entire belief system being challenged. Especially for someone like Lexa whose entire life and future were based on that belief system.

"I don't know," Lexa replied curtly, "but you can't walk around saying things like that!" She warned and Costia knew they were done. She was hoping that some of what she said would at least make Lexa wonder, but her best friend didn't **want** to wonder.

"Okay," Costia deflated, "I won't." It was out there, it was one less burden. Lexa knew her stand on the matter. Maybe sometime in the future Lexa will be willing to listen.

 _Or maybe, she'll be the Commander and a speculation that could imply that the blood that got her the job could be created artificially, will make her very unhappy,_ Costia realized. They may never be able to talk about this again. She examined her friend's tortured face.

Lexa was clearly shaken. There was a part of Costia that didn't want to let the matter go but she saw that it was too much for Lexa. Costia was suggesting the entire foundation of Lexa's belief may have been false. Even if Costia was onto something, looking at her friend she now realized she would never want to take that away from Lexa. She'd much rather drop the subject, for good.

"The bear is gone," Lexa said, her tone void of emotion. "Let's go home." She slid off the tree without giving Costia another glance.

* * *

They were lying in bed in complete darkness. The room was only illuminated by the starlight. It was unusual. Lexa would usually lit a couple of candles and let them burn out by the time the two friends fell asleep. As they were staring at the ceiling Costia thought that maybe her friend didn't want to be seen tonight, and that was okay. She just hated that there was this literal physical gap between them. But Lexa always gave her space when she asked for it, and she was happy to return the favor. She knew she pushed too hard. She knew she was pushing too hard while she was doing it.

 _Good job, Costia,_ she sighed which gotten her friend's attention.

"I'm sorry about earlier, Cos," Lexa apologized quietly and Costia could hear in her voice that she was embarrassed about the way she behaved.

Given that her eyes got somewhat used to the dark, Costia turned on her side and hoped Lexa would do the same so they could look at one another.

She did.

"No, Alex, I'm sorry. I saw you didn't want to hear about this but I kept going," Costia bit her lip, seeing the sadness in her friend's eyes even in the dark.

"But I shouldn't reacted the way I did," Lexa argued. "I want you to be able to share things with me, even if it's things I don't like," she explained softly and Costia nodded in understanding. "Your brain is this wild, no-man zone sometimes," Lexa added cautiously. She didn't want Costia to take it the wrong way. "No one else thinks like you do. Most of the time, it's incredible. But sometimes you need to be careful. If anyone ever hears you say things like what you said earlier…"

"They won't," Costia promised. She was curious, not stupid.

"I don't want you to hide parts of yourself from me," Lexa reminded again. "Maybe just… no more blood talk for a while?"

"Okay," Costia confirmed, lacing her fingers with Lexa's right between both their bodies.

Lexa examined her friend's face and swallowed hard.

"Cos, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"You read a lot about medicine and stuff like that, anatomy," Lexa started hesitantly, not sure how to continue.

"Yeah?" Costia gave her a little encouraging smile.

"So, you know how to do certain… things?" Lexa mentally rolled her eyes at herself.

 _Very articulate, Lexa,_ she thought. _Very smooth, too._

"What do you mean?" Costia inquired in confusion, making Lexa groan.

"Never mind," Lexa sighed. There was just no way she could flat out ask Costia what she wanted to know. But it was that exact respond that led Costia to understand what Lexa was asking her.

 _Oh,_ she thought and her eyes widened. _Oh._

She saw her best friend was squirming and decided to not add to her misery by pushing Lexa further on the subject. But she also didn't want her best friend to feel so embarrassed.

"Maybe…" she started, biting her lip again. "Maybe there are certain things I don't want to read about. Maybe there are certain things I want to explore on my own, when the time is right," she gave Lexa a meaningful look, asking with her eyes if Lexa understood.

Lexa understood and gave her best friend a grateful smile.

"When the time is right," she agreed.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Spoiler – oh, the buckle. Sweet sweet foreshadowing. When you see a pistol in act one, or rather, a buckle… someone **will** get poked by act three.

2\. You're friendly reminder that **_Jok_** means "fuck" in **_Trigedasleng_**.

3\. Regarding blood transfusion - Proud to say I wrote this chapter weeks before the season 3 finale aired. From Costia's point of view – she keeps reading about medicine, she witnessed her mother dying. The thing that scares her the most is for Lexa to get hurt and Costia thinks that even **if** the clans had the ability to do a blood transfusion like in the mountain, Lexa's blood is rare. Costia is probably thinking about worst case scenario in her head in which Lexa, who Costia believe without a doubt will be the Commander and fight in battles, may die of blood loss. Costia probably, subconsciously thinks that in an emergency she would totally sneak Lexa into the mountain for treatment if she thought it could help, except even that won't do because of the rarity of the blood. It's the worst case scenario she's not even realizing she's thinking about. Sadly, we know what happens years later. Imagine if they had the technology available. Imagine if they had the Nightblood supply. Lexa could've been saved.

4\. Regarding synthesized blood for those of you who are nerdy and worry about accuracy: After some research that I conducted **before** writing this chapter, it appears that the first human experiments with duplicated blood are coming as early as 2017. Which is amazing but also, if we assume that according to canon the world ended around nowadays, I assume Costia would find some essays about this subject, written before the apocalypse, and I also assume that on the Ark in space, 100 years later, they **did** have the technology to do it. And we saw that the mountain managed to do it, or come close to it. The most important note is that Becca created the black blood to allow humans live with the Flame inside of them without dying. So we know there definitely, according to canon, a way to create the Nightblood. Or create the thing that turns the red blood into it.

5\. Costia re-visits the story Lincoln told her (chapter 11) about the man who fell from the sky, which is actually canon for those of you who might not remember. Costia being who she is and where she's from, **would** wonder if there are more people up there (she knows what astronauts are, after all,) **would** wonder about Becca's origins, but for Lexa it may lead to an actual crisis of faith, so that line of thought is too intense, too outrageous.

6\. The fight between the girls was important to me because these two hardly ever fight but when they do, it's about something fundamental that showcases the differences between their upbringing and belief systems. On the one hand, it's why they love each other so much and fit together so well, compliment and complete each other. On the other hand, it can get tricky sometimes. Having Costia tell Lincoln's story was a perfect example. It got Lexa extremely distraught as discussed in comment 56. And then there's the fact that they're both idealists. They both want to change the world for the better but their views on how to do so are different. Costia wishes for a day in the future when they **will** have the means again, **will** have modern medicine. So this, for me, rings true to who she is and what she's hoping for.

7\. Spoiler – "I don't want you to hide parts of yourself from me," obviously, this comment stung because Costia **was** hiding parts of herself from Lexa. It was just one of the many moments during which Costia had to pretend. One of those moments Lexa thought about later on when she acknowledged just how much of a burden that secret must have been for Costia.


	20. De Seken Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

 _3 months later…_

Costia was braiding a loaf of bread, humming a little tune. Her work day was almost over, and then, she knew, she'll get to go home, take a shower, read some books and reply to some letters until Lexa got back.

The door swung open and a costumer walked in.

 ** _"Be right with you!"_** she called without looking up. She just wanted to finish what she was working on first.

 ** _"Good,"_** said the familiar voice which made her head snap toward him in surprise. **_"Because rumor has it this is the best bread shop in town!"_**

 ** _"Link!"_** She called in excitement and deserted her latest creation to run from behind the counter and into her friend's arms. **_"What are you doing here?"_** She asked excitedly.

 ** _"The real question is why are you here alone?"_** He looked around, realizing no one else was in there.

 ** _"We are closing soon. The owner sometimes leaves early. He has a young kid,"_** Costia explained.

 ** _"And they trust you enough to leave you in charge of their livelihood? Why would they do that?"_** He teased and won a glare in return.

 ** _"Maybe because I've been working here for more than a year and a half?"_** She challenged, making him chuckle.

 ** _"Here,"_** he took out a little bag and Costia's face lit up. **_"From Nyko. Your special bathroom powder or whatever."_**

Costia grabbed the little bag, full of glee. **_"Great! We almost ran out and I forgot to ask him last time I was home. Aleks is going to be thrilled!"_**

 ** _"Are you taking baths together already?"_** He asked with a quirked eyebrow.

 ** _"Link!"_** She slapped his shoulder, shocked by the crudeness of his comment.

 ** _"Whatever. Your loss,"_** he shrugged. ** _"How can a guy get a slice of fresh bread around here?"_**

 ** _"Well for starters he can stop acting like an ass,"_** Costia pointed out coldly, **_"then he can take a seat and tell me why he's here while I get him food."_**

 ** _"Can't a guy just come visit his best friend?"_** He inquired in feigned hurt and put his bags down before taking a seat.

 ** _"With all of this luggage? I don't think so,"_** Costia scoffed and went back behind the counter.

 ** _"Yeah, so I finally left the village,"_** He stated what was pretty obvious at that point.

 ** _"And Polis was the first stop? Wanted to see the big city?"_** Costia smiled. It was weird to see him outside of their familiar settings of Ton DC, but good weird.

 ** _"More like I wanted to see you face to face to say goodbye and tell you I won't be able to write for a while,"_** He explained bittersweetly. He wanted this trip. Wanted to be away from his father and the memories of his mother, to see new places, but he also knew he was leaving some loved ones behind.

 ** _"How long are you going to be gone for?"_** She always knew this day would come, it was boiling inside her friend, but she didn't consider how she would be affected. It didn't occur to her that she would be losing him if only for a little while. Other than Lexa, Lincoln was the person who knew her best. The other person she could really talk to. And now that he was going away for a while, she knew she was bound to feel a little lonelier when she waited awake for Lexa and there'd be fewer letters to reply to, when she went home for a visit and there'd be one less friend there.

 ** _"I really don't know, Kos,"_** He admitted. **_"Until I actually miss being home? Until I find something that would make coming back tolerable?"_** He gave her a halfhearted smile.

 ** _"Where are you headed?"_**

 ** _"I don't know. East, I think? At least at first, I want to see the shore,"_** He confessed with a genuine smile. He had never seen the ocean before.

 ** _"Me, too,"_** She mirrored his smile, extremely happy for him that he'll have the chance to see it firsthand. She only ever seen it in movies or photos.

 ** _"You should come with me,"_** He half joked. He knew he would get lonely just like she would. He knew on occasion he'll be sorry to not have someone to share the journey with. But he also knew she'd never come with him.

 ** _"You know that I can't,"_** she smiled at him apologetically.

 ** _"I know, I'm not even going to ask why not,"_** Lincoln teased.

 ** _"It's not just Leksa,"_** Costia rolled her eyes, dropping all pretence. She finally picked a knife to cut a slice of bread for him. **_"There's also, you know, my family. I'd never want to be that far from Aden. He's still doing something new every day that I'm already missing by being here,"_** she reminded. ** _"It's full-on conversations now."_**

 ** _"Yes, I saw him yesterday. He wanted to make sand cakes "like mom and Kostia!""_** Lincoln snorted.

 ** _"Oh my,"_** Costia smiled widely. **_"See? I can't miss out on that."_**

 ** _"No you can't,"_** he agreed. **_"But mostly, Leksa,"_** he added knowingly.

She sighed. **_"Yeah, mostly Leksa."_**

 ** _"I can't believe you haven't talked to her yet!"_** He said and shoved a piece of the bread into his mouth. **_"It's been almost a year since we've spoken about this! Wow this is delicious,"_** he scanned the bread in astonishment.

 ** _"It's not that simple!"_** Costia protested. **_"I tried! I think she tried, too. Something always happens!"_**

 ** _"Yes, something like you're both being cowards,"_** Lincoln scoffed.

 ** _"No! I swear. One time there was even a bear… never mind,"_** Costia shook her head in frustration. **_"We already talked about it in so many different ways,"_** she tried to explain. **_"The things she says, the things she does… the things I say,"_** She smiled at the memories.

 ** _"Then what are you waiting for?"_** Lincoln couldn't understand. He was envious and here Costia had what he was dreaming of. It was right within her reach but she refused to take it. **_"You sleep next to each other every night! How aren't you going mad?"_**

 ** _"I am! I think we're both just afraid of the change that it'll bring,"_** Costia shrugged. **_"Like, when I just started to realize what I was feeling, and she did, too, I think, we would hardly look at each other. Now we look at each other all the time,"_** Costia stated in hunger. **_"Half of what we do is to look at each other."_**

 ** _"And the other half?"_** Lincoln teased.

 ** _"Splitting it between making all of the other novitiates frustrated at being around us, and finding ridiculous excuses to touch each other way more than necessary,"_** Costia admitted sheepishly.

They spend the next two hours with Costia describing to Lincoln **almost** everything that happened between Lexa and herself since their last heart to heart. She'd write to him often, but she wouldn't get into personal Lexa business in her letters. It was partially due to her will to maintain Lexa's privacy. It was also why she wasn't sharing 100% at the moment, either, but she said enough to make him give her validation for Lexa's feelings. She needed him to listen to what has been happening and then conclude that her feelings for Lexa were not one sided.

 ** _"I'm really jealous of you, Kos,"_** Lincoln admitted. **_"You found it. You have no idea how much I wish I could find it, too."_**

 ** _"It found me, Link. Maybe it'll be the same for you. I was sitting in the forest, crying, when it found me. She suddenly dropped right in front of me, out of nowhere. Who knows when it's going to get you,"_** Costia smiled softly and squeezed his hand. **_"Maybe it's just a matter of time._** Good things come to those who wait," she recited in English.

"That's nice. Where is it from?" Lincoln asked in genuine interest, continuing the conversation in English.

"I'm actually not sure, but it's something my mom always used to say," Costia reminisced. The older she got, the less she remembered of her early years. She knew that if she hadn't visited the mountain years after she left, she'd probably have no recollection of her birth place today.

 _Thank god Lex made me go,_ she thought, smiling softly when her friend's face popped into her mind.

The door to the store flung open and the moment Costia looked up and spotted her terrified best friend, she knew she was in trouble.

"What the **_jok,_** Costia?" Lexa growled without even noticing Lincoln was there. She would've never talked like that in someone else's presence. But she was also furious.

Costia realized immediately what happened. Lexa got home at the end of her day and didn't find Costia or even an acknowledgment from Costia regarding her whereabouts and absence. Lexa freaked out. Costia would've, too.

"Oh my god, Alex! I am **so** sorry! Lincoln came for a surprise visit and I totally lost track of time!" Costia explained apologetically, gesturing to the third person in the store.

"Lexa," Lincoln nodded hesitantly. They may have grown up at the same village but they were never really friends. Lexa always kept from the other kids, focusing on training. Costia was the anomaly. The outsider who dropped into their lives and made Lexa take notice. At least he knew Lexa and himself respected each other because of their love for Costia. They had a few friendly conversations over the years but he could see this moment was meant to be intimate.

On her end, Lexa felt a bit of unease around him. It was never like that before, but now, remembering what Costia told her a few months ago, the thing Lincoln saw in his childhood, his presence made her think about things she didn't want to acknowledge.

"Lincoln," she nodded curtly right back, embarrassed, in addition to everything, that he had seen her rare outburst. "Can we talk?" she asked Costia with a tight smile.

"Of course," Costia replied gently, looking momentary at Lincoln who nodded as if to say "go."

She walked to the back room and knew Lexa would follow her. She shut the door behind them and started apologizing again.

"Alex, I'm sorry. It was stupid, and irresponsible, and inconsiderate, and…"

"I was really worried, Costia," Lexa shivered and Costia could see she was on the verge of tears. "You weren't home when I got there. You are always home when I get there," she rambled frantically. "I waited, I thought maybe you just went out to grab something, but then you didn't come back and I…"

Costia didn't let her finish. She grabbed both Lexa's wrists in her hands, making Lexa look at her.

"Hey, hey," Costia tried softly and Lexa finally locked eyes with her. "I'm really, **really** sorry. I should've come back to leave you a note. This will never happen again, I promise," she vowed. "But, Alex it's me, you don't have to worry," Costia soothed. Seeing how much anxiety she caused her friend made her feel extremely guilty.

"I always worry about you, Costia. Always," Lexa swallowed hard.

"Why? You know I can take care of myself," Costia offered her a soft smile, not to aggravate her, but to remind her that she was far from helpless.

"You know why!" Lexa called in frustration. Costia looked at her in shock. This was the closest they've gotten to saying the words without actually saying the words.

"Alex, I…" Costia tried.

 ** _"Kostia?"_** Lincoln called from the front. **_"We need to go before all the good rooms are taken!"_**

Lexa threw her arms in the air in frustration while Costia bit her lip.

"I'll help Linc with his bags and I'll be back as soon as I can. Okay?" Costia nearly begged. She didn't want to leave things between them like this, but Lincoln hardly knew the city, and there was no point in letting him walk around and carry his bags on his own. It wouldn't make matters with Lexa better and he already had to do that once just to find her. Lexa nodded and looked away. "I'm sorry," Costia said again, "I'm really sorry I got you all worried."

"If the tables were turned…" Lexa started with a bitter huff.

"I would have lost my mind," Costia stated before Lexa could even finish her thought. Costia brought her hand up to remove a lock of hair from Lexa's eyes which shot right back up to look into her own eyes. Costia cupped Lexa's cheek which made Lexa's eyes widen in surprise, and longing. "So you know that I mean it when I say that I am sorry," Costia promised genuinely.

"Okay," Lexa's voice caught in her throat.

"Are you still mad?" Costia released a breath, looking down at Lexa's lips. She wanted to just lean in and be done with the sweet torture they've been putting themselves through for months. But not like this, not when Lincoln was in the other room and they were in a rush.

"No, Cos, I'm not," Lexa was having similar thoughts. "I accept your apology, just… be back soon, okay?"

Costia nodded. She regretfully took her hand off Lexa's cheek and took a step backwards.

Lexa walked toward the door so she could leave. She stopped, gave her friend a contemplative look, hesitated, and then leaned in to kiss Costia on the cheek.

 _This much I can do,_ she thought.

Costia gave her a small sweet smile which she returned before she finally left.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Lexa swearing in front of Lincoln - I actually struggled a lot throughout the story with Lexa's speech like. Like I mentioned in the introduction, some would say she's way more lighthearted and talkative than she is in canon and that's actually very intentional. First of all, Costia **does** bring out that side of her, Costia is her confidant. Secondly, we meet Lexa in canon after she already lost Costia and that loss closed her off in many ways, speech included. Spoiler – though not really: I think we'll see the beginning of this transformation toward the end of volume one. We also see that she is different with Clarke in the way she speaks to her when no one else is around, too. And they haven't known each other long, but Clarke has been very healing for Lexa's heart and I believe that if they had more time together we would've seen different, softer sides of Lexa come out.

2\. I keep mentioning that one of the things I set to do with this story (and I consider a great privilege) was to get to explore more of the past of characters we loved and lost, and even a few we didn't lose (yet!) This chapter shows us a bit more of Lincoln and I felt really lucky to get to spend more time with him, having written almost half of this story (half of volume 1, that is) before I knew his fate and another half already knowing it. It was important to me to show how much he was looking for Octavia his whole life. I want the readers of this story to be able to watch the show again and feel like these things actually happened to these characters and it'll somehow add to the emotional impact. I know I've seen certain scenes after writing certain chapters and things resonated differently. There's a moment like that coming up in the next chapter which I'll point out.


	21. De Seken Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

 _2 months later…_

 ** _"Train hard, and remember, you are each worthy of your Nightblood,"_** Waldron dismissed the novitiates. Most of them scattered rather quickly. Lexa was the last one left in the room, meticulously putting her things in her bag. She liked order. She always did. Waldron eyed her suspiciously.

He was seated on his throne and Lexa was crouching on the floor right in front of him.

He rose from the throne and descended down the stairs to where she was.

 ** _"Leksa."_**

She looked up at him. **_"Yes, Heda?"_**

 ** _"You seemed a bit distracted today,"_** he observed.

 ** _"I'm sorry, Heda. It will not happen again,"_** Lexa promised and he could see that she was internally scolding herself.

This tendency was his most promising novitiate's greatest drawback. She was serious to a fault. She would never let her guard down. But a good leader needed to know when to let others in.

From the complaints he heard from his **_Fleimkepa_** _,_ Waldron thought Lexa at least had an outlet outside of class. He sometimes wished she could let some of her after hours persona seep into what she presented during her day in class.

 ** _"I am not upset with you, Leksa,"_** he clarified.

 ** _"You are not?"_** she asked in surprise.

It's not that he didn't want her to take his teachings seriously, he just wanted her to feel what it meant to be a leader, not just to go through the motions and follow the teachings by-the-book. Leading was about instincts. Lexa had those, but she was afraid to trust her gut feeling.

She had a brilliant mind. He needed her to leave some room for improvisation.

 ** _"You are too hard on yourself, Leksa. Give yourself a break sometimes,"_** he said kindly. She gaped at him. This whole punishing thing didn't go like she expected, at all.

 ** _"If I'm Commander I won't be able to give myself a break,"_** she pointed out, trying not to sound harsh while addressing the Commander, and failing miserably. He hid a smirk beneath his beard.

He knew for a fact there was someone whom she **did** let in. He needed Lexa to embrace it, to let it help her live up to her full potential.

 ** _"You are right. You can't take a break from a title. But you can make sure you have people to confide in. People whose presence alone would feel like taking a break,"_** he tried to explain.

She looked at him guiltily.

 _And there it is,_ he thought. The reason why she's been distracted is one and the same with the thing that might help her the most.

He looked at her but she said nothing. She nodded respectfully as if to say that she heard him. But she didn't, not really.

 _This won't do,_ he rolled his eyes.

 ** _"Leksa,"_** he started, trying to pick his words carefully. He knew for years she was his pick to be his successor. He wanted nothing more than prepare her for the future the best way he could. But certain lessons weren't in books, and certain strengths he couldn't unlock for her. He could just point her in the right direction. **_"Time works differently when you are Heda,"_** he admitted. **_"When you're a novitiate, you feel like you are on borrowed time. No one ever says it, but it's true."_**

She nodded sadly.

 ** _"When you become the title, you don't have the privilege of having the same priorities. You never live fully anymore,"_** he cleared his throat. **_"So you either die as a novitiate without ever living fully, or get a title that guarantees you'll never live fully again. So, live fully while you can, Leksa,"_** he patted her shoulder in a kind of gentleness he never presented before.

She looked at him in shock. She could see this conversation going many ways, but his last sentence completely threw her off. Was she getting a relationship advice from the Commander?

 _He can't possibly be talking about Costia,_ she thought.

 ** _"I'm talking about Kostia,"_** he clarified, a surprising glint in his eye.

 _This day is getting weirder and weirder, what if I'm actually asleep?_

 ** _"Are you okay?"_** he asked his young novitiate. He was wondering if he broke her brain.

 ** _"Yes, Heda, I am. I'm just… surprised,"_** she admitted. **_"That you even know who she is, first of all."_**

 ** _"Best bread I ever had,"_** he stated in a very serious tone, making Lexa smile widely. It did make sense. Costia was always around. Someone as observant as the Commander was bound to notice.

 ** _"It's just… Titus always says…"_**

 ** _"If you are Heda, one day Titus would be your subject,"_** he cut her off. **_"Perhaps there's a reason you have the sacred blood and he doesn't."_**

He didn't say it in a way that was meant to be degrading to Titus. Just in a way that meant that at the end of the day Titus could advise, and experience may be on his side, but he wasn't the one making the final decisions. **That** was the real meaning of "to be **_Heda_** is to be alone." But her Commander was telling her that maybe she didn't have to be entirely alone. Maybe, even if she becomes the Commander, there was room for her to be Lexa too.

She couldn't believe he basically ordered her to get a grip and do something about her feelings. She stalled for so long when it came to Costia and now the Commander of the eight clans had to take some time off his busy schedule to tell her to go and get a girlfriend.

She groaned and Waldron understood exactly why and gave her a very rare, hearty laugh, which just made her even more flustered.

Thank god the only other person in the room was the **_Fosgona_** , Gustus.

 ** _"Cowardice is not for Nabtblidas, Leksa kom trikru,"_** he chuckled and walked out of the room, leaving her behind to brood.

* * *

Lexa walked into their room, knowing right away that Costia was in the washroom.

Lexa groaned.

 _Yeah, that's exactly what I need right now, thinking about Costia in that tub._

She was going to do as she was told. Not only did she basically get ordered to finally take a serious step, she was beginning to suspect that she would cause an irreversible damage to her dignity if she waited any longer.

 _I am a **Natblida,** I should be able to kiss a girl!_

She flopped on the bed, face down. Her face hit the soft pillows just as she heard a ripping sound.

 _Uh oh,_ she thought, knowing right away that her yet-to-be-fixed buckle caused some damage.

 _Why didn't I just fix the stupid thing? S_ he pushed herself up on her arms, noticing that she ripped a hole in the sheets, probably all the way to the mattress, too. _Cos is going to kill me._

Costia has been mocking her about the buckle for months. She knew something was bound to happen if Lexa kept walking around with this thing. And now something did happen and while it was better that the victim wasn't another person, those were Costia's favorite sheets.

The washroom door opened and Lexa jumped off the bed. Except that the moment she saw Costia in her nightwear, sleeveless, low neckline and still with wet her, the sheets were completely forgotten. What wasn't forgotten was the mission her Commander gave her.

"Hey," Costia smiled warmly.

Lexa's mouth went dry. It did so every damn night.

"Hi," she croaked in reply.

"How was your day?" Costia inquired softly.

"Right," Lexa blurted nervously. She didn't even hear the question.

 _No matter what, you do not back down, Lexa._

"Are you okay?" Costia prompted in concern.

"Yeah, why?" Lexa tried to sound nonchalant but this time she replied too fast.

"Because I asked you how your day was and you said "right?"" Costia smirked. Something was on her friend's mind and she was going to find out what it was.

Lexa took a deep breath. "Cos, I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay?" Maybe she didn't have to put a lot of effort into figuring it out after all.

"Well, no, actually talking is what we always do. I don't want to talk," Lexa retracted with a huff.

"Okay?" Costia replied helplessly. She may have had a clue, or at least hope where this was headed, but her friend was still being confusing.

Lexa sighed. This was hard. If she was wrong then she was about to ruin seven years worth of friendship.

 _You are not wrong,_ a voice in her head commanded. She shut her eyes for a moment, swallowed hard and then opened them again, looking right into her friend's eyes. _Don't be afraid._

"I think you had the right idea the first time you said you were my second half all those years ago," she finally managed to say. "I'm just not sure we realized what it meant, then."

"Okay?" Costia repeated, sounding more hopeful this time.

"Cos would you stop saying okay?" Lexa scowled.

Costia didn't reply.

"You were about to say okay, weren't you?"

"Yes," Costia bit her lip to hide a small smile.

Lexa rolled her eyes, then, she noticed something she didn't notice before because of all the adrenaline. There was still some flour on Costia's cheek. "You missed a spot," she said tenderly.

She brought her hand up and gently cupped Costia's cheek, using her thumb to wipe the flour. She felt her friend shudder under her touch and it encouraged her to go on. She then kissed Costia on that exact spot and moved to kiss her nose. She leaned back, wanting to make sure this was what Costia wanted, too. She was just in time to see Costia swallowing hard. Costia's eyes were shut but then she opened them and brought her own hand up as well, to grab Lexa's wrist of the hand that was cupping her cheek. Lexa saw so much hunger in Costia's eyes, a silent plea.

"Alex…"Costia said in a voice that was hardly audible. That was it, though. Lexa became completely undone.

She finally leaned in to capture Costia's lips with hers and the moment she did everything around her vanished. She felt a shiver and she wasn't sure if it was her, or Costia, or both of them. But she didn't care. She was kissing Costia, Costia was kissing her back, her body felt like it was on fire and it gave her the courage to try and push forward, explore further. She never remembered wanting anything more in her life and based on the soft moan she heard escaping Costia's mouth, she knew the feeling was mutual. She felt like she was losing her damn mind. She was just about to use her tongue for the first time, her ears were thumping, almost like she was lost underwater.

Maybe that's why she didn't hear Costia's whimper of pain. But she felt it the moment she tried to pull Costia closer to her. She knew right away that her buckle penetrated Costia's skin. She broke their kiss, terrified of what just happened, and frantically searched for the wound for some damage control. And indeed, there it was, punctured skin right below Costia's collarbone, and blood was spilling.

The heartbreaking understanding hit Lexa – she somehow never seen Costia's bleed before in her life, not even once. And she realized that now, because the blood that was spilling out of Costia's wound was black.

Costia looked up at her in panic.

"What…?" Lexa couldn't breathe. She thought she might start hyperventilating. She walked backwards until her body hit the bed and she fell to a sitting position.

"Alex…" Costia walked towards her and Lexa had never seen her more tortured.

 _A lifetime of keeping this secret,_ Costia thought, _all the hard work just to be discovered because you wanted to kiss a pretty girl._

Not just any girl, Costia knew. **The** girl. The girl who was the reason why Costia kept this a secret for so long.

 _And now you're going to have to fight this girl to the death._

"You… you…" No matter how hard Lexa tried to form words, she couldn't. She was mad, she was hurt, and she was devastated even if she didn't realize that just yet.

"I'm sorry," Costia apologized as tears started to form in her eyes. "Look at me, please," she cupped Lexa's cheek, hoping beyond hope that Lexa will follow her plea. Lexa did, but what Costia found in her eyes was even worse. Lexa looked as if she'd been betrayed and that broke Costia's heart more than anything.

"We need to tell Titus," Lexa stated coldly.

"No!" Costia objected. "You can't," she demanded.

"Yes, I can, Costia!" Lexa yelled. Logically, she started to connect the dots. She knew that she didn't have all the details but she could imagine why Costia didn't tell her, **purposefully** hid it from her. But she couldn't process something so deep and complicated at that moment. She could just deal with the black and white aspects. The rules were simple, a **_Natblida_** was found, the **_Fleimkepa_** had to be informed.

So what if that **_Natblida_** was the girl that she was absolutely in love with? So what if it meant…

"I can, and I **will**!" Lexa repeated in a bark. "That is my duty! That is our way!" she tried to convince herself.

Costia released a bitter laugh.

"It's always about your way! Things have to be in your holy freaking way! Your parents had to die because that is your way, you had to leave your home when you were nine years old because that is your way!" Costia broke down. She had to compose herself before she kept talking. Lexa was looking at her coldly. "Did you ever think the truth is somewhere in the middle? That there isn't just **one** way? This is idiotic, Alex!" She literally shook her friend. "Look at me!" She demanded again. "Worst case scenario we both die, best case scenario one of us lives on after she killed the other and even then the Commander's life expectancy isn't exactly long," she revealed her greatest fear, the reason behind it all. She never thought they'll have forever, but she at least hoped for something. Maybe a life by Lexa's side as Lexa led the clans, for however long that may be. And now, she knew, they'll have nothing. She took a deep breath and continued quietly. "But it'll come down to us. On conclave day? We're the best warriors and you know it." If Lexa told Titus, sometime in the future one of them **will** kill the other.

"This isn't about who is the best warrior, Costia!" Lexa spat, "it's about who the spirit of the commander chooses!"

"Alexandra you are smarter than that!" Costia was desperate. She knew how Lexa felt about her, she knew how much Lexa accepted her, but she couldn't make Lexa stop believing what she believed in. Not even she could do that. But she still tried. "Think!" she begged. "This is insane!"

"You don't understand it because you grew up on the mountain!" Lexa blurted without realizing what she said. When she did, it was too late, she looked at her friend full of remorse. She'd never seen Costia so broken before. Then, right in front of her eyes, Costia's sadness turned into rage.

"I grew up with **you**!" Costia yelled in anger, complete anguish evident on her face now. Lexa knew that look. Lexa was the one who always made Costia feel her origins were something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Did she just undo years of work?

"I'm sorry, Cos," she pleaded, everything that happened just starting to catch up with her. She finally realized the magnitude of the discovery and it hit her right in the gut. "I didn't mean it. I wasn't thinking, but I never thought you'd say something like that. You just insulted my entire culture and I got upset," Lexa tried to explain erratically. Nothing she'd say could fix this, she knew.

"Yeah, well, so did you," Costia stated flatly and left Lexa standing alone in the room, completely guilt-ridden and heartbroken.

* * *

Notes:

1\. The very first sentence of this chapter, another one of those "we seen Lexa teach this to her novitiates (episode 3X04) so it's nice to be there when she's being taught that. I'd like to think it's something all Commanders say to their youngsters.

2\. And thinking about the young novitiates naturally led me to think quite a lot about Aden and his relationship with Lexa in canon. After all, it's meant to be the same Aden we met here. I went back and watched all of his interactions with Lexa. If you do that now and kind of accept this story as your headcanon like I did, their exchanges seem different knowing that Aden was Costia's brother and knowing that Lexa lost her. One that really got to me is when Lexa and Aden fight on 3X04 and he manages to throw her off. She gives him this look. I used to only see surprise there, but when I watch it now, it almost seems like Lexa recognizes something in him, and that something is Costia, and that's a moment Lexa has to recover from quickly. He notices, too. And all of the details in this story also serve to explain her special affection toward him that we see later, even if it got restrained with time. I recommend you go and watch it with that in mind if you want a little punch in the gut. Spoiler – those of you who already read the story know that Costia's weapon is a Bo. I actually selected it for her as a bit of a "pacifist weapon" without realizing that in this scene both Lexa and Aden use Bos. It made it even more emotional because in my head Lexa is using Costia's Bo. But more on that later!

3. ** _Fosgona_** – "First Warrior" in **_Trigedasleng._** Just a reminder that this is a word the owner of the **_Trigedasleng_** website helped to come up with especially for this story. It refers to the head of the Commander's guard. Think Jaime Lannister. When we meet Gustus in canon that's basically what he does. And again, this word actually plays quite the big role in this story.

4\. Ah, yes, that damn buckle. Well, like I said, a buckle you see in act 1 and all that jazz. Costia **did** warn Lexa months ago (chapter 18) that she'll end up poking someone's eye out, probably Costia's. Tsk tsk. Spoiler – and if you read this story before you know that more damage is coming right up and it's way more tragic.

5\. Lots to say about the chapter. Some of you may have figured this out early on, if so – good job! I wasn't exactly quiet about it on social media while I was writing the story. I kept saying even before Luna showed up, how much I wish Costia was number 8 in Lexa's conclave. If this did come as a surprise though, feel free to read from the beginning. The hints are constantly there :D

So this is where we finally (sort of) split from canon. For a while, after Luna showed up, I considered adding Costia as a tenth novitiate so I could keep Luna, too. It would've been so easy to explain why no one ever talked about Costia (spoilery hint: she dead.) But with no one talking about Luna already (in canon) I felt that having another novitiate that no one ever mentions would be too soapy. So I exchanged Luna for Costia to create what I like to refer to as "alternate canon." For those of you who'd like a version with both Costia and Luna though, a version in which Costia **was** a tenth novitiate, there's a bit of a one shot which was originally a bonus chapter but that is included in this story in volume 2. I had to find the right time and place for it and I feel like I did. But if you're curious, I think that if I **did** commit to 10 novitiates plot from the get go, we'd probably have Luna instated of Myr (personality wise. Myr is also from the boat people clan.)

As to why even go there – well, Costia fascinated me since the first time she was mentioned. As a writer, when you name something it means it's important. They never referred to her on the show as Lexa's dead lover. They made to choice of naming her. And then when Lexa didn't want to talk about the missing novitiate from her conclave, many suspected it was either Costia, or Luna. I just happened to write it as Costia before we found out it was Luna because I was always on team Nightblood Costia. And maybe it was because of Alycia's delivery of that missing novitiate line, but she showed so much pain in that moment that Costia as the last novitiate resonated with me more than Luna. Lexa didn't want to talk about it not because of the conclave, but because she lost Costia later on.

And I always said, seeing who's the kind of person Lexa falls on love with (Clarke,) Costia had to be special, too. It was clear to me that since Lexa became the Commander at such a young age, they've had to have known each other from before. And then, being the significant other of the Commander, well, it takes someone truly special to accept that they'll never come first no matter how much their lover wishes he could put them first.

So that was the special girl I tried to create with this story, explore Lexa's past and her wounds, and I promise it will all connect and eventually lead us to volume 2 of the story.

I know I took what was one of the best moments of their lives and turned it into one of their only fights, **the** fight, possibly, and gave them both the feeling of hopelessness, but there was always something tragic about these two.

Most of the remaining story would be very, very loyal to canon.


	22. De Seken Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

She left the room a few minutes after Costia did, determined to find her best friend and discuss everything. She was so hurt initially she didn't take a second to think why Costia didn't tell her, or how it must have felt for Costia to hide it all these years. Lexa was still hurt, was still upset. A part of her wanted to yell at Costia "we could've figured this out together!" But Costia probably thought Lexa would insist on doing the right thing, doing what tradition demanded, and based on Lexa's first reaction after the discovery, Lexa knew her friend's fears were not misplaced.

She wanted to do what was right, but she couldn't bring herself to go straight to Titus like she planned on. She needed to know more first. She needed to talk to Costia, and for that she needed to find Costia. So she walked the dark streets, finding no sign of her friend.

She dragged herself back to the tower an hour later, sad and tired, and hoping that Costia would come to her when she was ready to talk. Lexa knew that in her anger she crossed a line. She was wondering if her friend would ever forgive her, and then she remembered she was the one who's been lied to.

 _How did we get here? An hour ago I was kissing her. And it was…_

It was amazing. It was more than she ever dared imagining it would be. But Lexa knew there was no point thinking about the moment which made her feel like she was about to explode. She knew they could never do that again. What was the point? Be in love, be together, and then in a few years there'll be a conclave and then what?

 _What if that's in twenty years? We can have twenty years,_ Lexa thought but shook her head immediately. It was like Costia said - the life expectancy of the Commander wasn't very long.

She finally walked back into her room and found Costia there.

 _Thank god,_ she thought.

"Cos, listen, I decided…"

But then she opened the door further and saw that Titus was standing right in front of Costia. He was holding a cloth with black stains on it.

 _No,_ the truth came crushing down on Lexa. _He knows._ If they had any chance of figuring it out before, it was gone now.

 ** _"Leksa,"_** Titus nodded politely.

 ** _"Teacher,"_** she returned the courtesy.

 ** _"Kostia found me. She says you two have been looking for me. It appears we have a new discovered Natblida,"_** he looked at Costia suspiciously.

 ** _"It appears we do,"_** Lexa swallowed hard and tried to catch a glance from her best friend who looked anywhere but at her.

 ** _"I guess I'm just surprised. Finding out at this age is very unusual,"_** he said. Lexa couldn't figure out his tone, but it didn't take a genius to know there was an accusation there.

 ** _"I was an only child to a sick mother and then the only reminder of her to my father,"_** Costia offered right away. **_"I've been treated like I was made of glass my entire life,"_** she added.

 _She's been prepared for this day,_ Lexa realized sadly. Costia was hoping this day would never come but was ready in case it did.

 ** _"It's true, teacher. We've spent our entire childhood together and I've never seen her bleed,"_** that much was true, and though Titus wasn't convinced, he knew at least that Lexa would never lie.

Costia finally looked at Lexa with glassy eyes. Lexa gave her a remorseful look that said "I'm sorry." About what she said, about how things turned out. For what they could never have now.

 ** _"I just assumed…"_** Titus started again and Lexa realized he was blushing. Whatever it was he was trying to ask made him painfully uncomfortable. He cleared his throat. **_"You know… with… feminine stuff…"_**

The moment both girls realized what he was asking, their eyes widened. If it wasn't such a heartbreaking situation it would've been comical.

 ** _"The women in my family don't get their… feminine stuff until they are about fourteen,"_** Costia explained shyly. Lexa knew it was a lie, but a reasonable one, and fourteen was a year away.

Titus nodded coldly. Lexa doubted he believed them, but there were no more arguments for him to use. It was his word against Costia's, against **theirs.**

And then he seemed relieved.

 ** _"Well, then. Kostia will be joining the rest of the novitiates. She'll be getting her own room,"_** he explained what was about to happen. The two girls looked at each other in surprise. They didn't even consider separation. They should have, it made sense, but their minds were still reeling.

Lexa was almost about to argue, to ask if it was really necessary, but with their dynamic shift towards the physical earlier in the night, and with their uncertain future, she knew this was probably best, even if it made her want to scream.

She hated that Titus seemed so calm. Then, she suddenly realized why. Costia always bothered him. As far as he was concerned, whether he believed them or not, this was a solution to Lexa's "personal attachments" problem. He probably thought that if Lexa killed her one day Costia would be "out of her system," some hurdle she got over.

She wanted to hate him, or feel sorry for him, but she was too busy feeling miserable and she knew he loved her, in his own way, and thought he was doing what's best for her. That made her mad, too. Costia deserved a fair chance.

 ** _"Come on, Kostia,"_** he urged, **_"Pick up your things and let's go. You're officially a novitiate now."_**

Costia looked as if she could punch him in the face, another moment that could've been comical under different circumstance.

Costia picked what she could, all the while still in her sleeping wear. Lexa helped her gather her things, trying to get a look, or a hand squeeze, but Costia shut down completely.

They finished grabbing Costia's belongings, even Titus helped, wanting to speed the process, and then Costia was gone, and everything was quiet, too quiet. Lexa looked around her. The books were gone, too. It was too empty. She missed the books already. That's when she spotted a single one that was left forgotten on the shelf. She picked it up but she knew what it was before she even reached it. It was the Atlas, and it wasn't forgotten. It was left there **for** her. The anger that she still possessed was now fading away. Instead, the realization finally hit her, not like before, in glimpses and half understandings, but a full blown admittance. One of them, maybe both, was going to die.

* * *

Lexa was lying in bed, alone. She kept turning and fussing. There was absolutely no way she could fall asleep. Logically, she was so emotionally drained that sleep should've come easily, but there was just too much on her mind. And it was always hard for her to sleep without Costia. When Costia was visiting Ton DC Lexa's sleep was very erratic. It suddenly occurred to her that this was going to be the new normal.

Then she heard a thump by her window and a moment later Costia walked out from between the curtains, rubbing her arm that she's very clearly hit upon her dramatic entrance.

Costia looked up and said "oh, hi," casually like this was a very normal situation.

"Oh, hi?" Lexa was dumbfounded. "How did you get in?"

"I, hmm… climbed?" Costia offered innocently.

"You clim… Costia!" Lexa scolded. Her friend could have easily broken her neck.

"I didn't want Titus to see me!" Costia whined. On any other day the entire exchange could have been adorable. Not this time. "He doesn't trust me."

"Should he?" Lexa challenged. She may have been more on the sad side than on the angry side by now, but she still felt betrayed.

"Are you asking about you or him?" Costa crossed her arms on her chest, narrowing her eyes at Lexa. "Because you can trust me with your life and you know it," she spat.

Lexa sighed. She appreciated her best friend coming back so they could talk this through but she didn't even know where to begin. Eventually she decided the beginning was as good a place as any.

"How long have you known?" she asked softly. Costia sighed and sat down on the bed next to her.

"My mom knew since my birth," Costia admitted. "No one in the mountain knew about dad. They just assumed it was some inner mountain scandal, not some star crossed lovers' story," Costia smiled at the thought and Lexa couldn't stop her own smile from appearing. "She didn't want them to have their hands on me. She figured if they knew that I'm probably immune to the radiation they'll want to run all sorts of experiments on me," Costia explained and Lexa nodded in understanding. "She just had to give birth without the risk of the doctors getting any blood samples or whatnot. So she asked her best friend to help with the birth."

"Maya's mom?" Lexa guessed.

"Yeah," Costia confirmed sadly. "I'm sure it was not a good experience. It was a rough birth that almost killed her. But then I was born, and she saw…"

"Dark blood everywhere."

"Yeah, and she knew enough from father to know what that meant."

"You hid this from me since we've met," Lexa realized brokenly.

"She told me never to tell anyone," Costia revealed guiltily. "At first I didn't know why. I was just a scared girl doing what her mom told her to, but then, when I did know why..."

"You knew that one day…"

"I knew that one day…"

They were silent. What was there to say? No matter how they looked at the situation, it was beyond crappy.

"At least it's over," Costia sniffed quietly.

"What do you mean?" Lexa asked in confusion.

"Alex, I never wanted to keep anything from you," she looked straight into Lexa's eyes and Lexa knew it was the absolute truth. "You are the most important person in the world for me," she shook her head as the tears started falling down her cheeks. "The only good thing about this is that now I have no more secrets from you."

Lexa nodded. She didn't stop to really think what it must felt like for Costia to hide this all these years. If the tables were turned, knowing that she was keeping something from Costia would've devastated her. All her friend ever tried to do was to allow for a future in which they could still be in each other's lives. Both **alive**. And now that Lexa knew for sure their feelings for each other were more than just friendly? Costia carried that burden for both of them, Lexa realized.

"What were you gonna say?" Costia asked hesitantly. "When you came in earlier and found Titus?"

"I was going to say that I decided not to tell him," Lexa admitted honestly. She could feel her own tears coming down her eyes now. Neither was crying hysterically, but cheeks were certainly dampened.

"I didn't expect you to," Costia smiled bittersweetly. "I know I said I did, but I didn't really."

"You are my best friend," Lexa reminded, "you're…" she didn't finish the sentence. She was hurt Costia would think that she'd so easily hand Costia's life over to someone else, but she also knew she didn't give Costia a reason to believe otherwise. "Your life is more important to me than this."

"I know I'm the one who asked you not to tell him, but you can't do something like this ever again," Costia spoke in such fierce seriousness that Lexa felt overwhelmed. "They will think you are weak."

"Well, you told him on your own, why?" Lexa challenged angrily. She already knew the answer and Costia was being a hypocrite. Her friend knew as much, too, which is why she didn't reply. "So that I won't feel like I was betraying tradition but I won't have to make the choice that could lead to your death, either? So you can put me first but I can't put you first?" Lexa demanded.

"I'm not going to be the Commander, you are," Costia shrugged, "it's much more important that they don't doubt you." Lexa knew it was a mask. Inside Costia was falling apart.

"You don't know that you aren't going to be the Commander," Lexa stated flatly. She knew Costia better than anyone. Her friend could make a great leader.

"Trust me, I do," Costia gave her a final sad smile before she stood up. "Are you still my best friend?" she asked and Lexa could tell that she was worried, as if she thought tonight's developments could actually make Lexa hate her.

"Are you still my second half?" was Lexa's reply.

"Always," Costia promised through a shallow breath.

Lexa wanted to ask Costia to stay, sleep next to her like they've done for years. But she knew that too much changed between them, that too much could never happen, and so she had to let Costia go.

Costia gave her a final nod of understanding. She wanted to stay, too. But she couldn't. **They** couldn't.

Costia turned to leave but Lexa stopped her.

"We always fight over blood," she observed flatly.

"Until we'll fight **because** of our blood," Costia's voice broke and she felt another tear coming down her face. She walked toward Lexa and cupped her cheek. They maintained eye contact. Costia wanted to make sure her friend knew.

She didn't need to say anything, they **both** knew. They may have never gotten to have the talk, but they knew. She kissed Lexa's forehead as tenderly as she could, then gave Lexa one last sad smile and left the room.

Lexa never hated being a **_Natblida_** before in her life, but at that moment she wasn't so sure she was happy to be one, either.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Titus and the feminine stuff - I do apologize if any of you got grossed out by this question. It felt comical in the midst of something quite dark and depressing, and more than that, it felt like a genuine question that Titus would ask while trying to puncture a hole in Costia's credibility. Good luck with that, T. This girl has been prepared for this possible development her whole life.

2\. Costia said here that her mother never wanted the doctors in the mountain to get her hands on her. Costia, of course, had no idea what's going on in the mountain with the Reapers, or what would eventually happen with our friends from the sky, but logically, like every super hero in a super hero story always thinks, her mom realized it won't be a good idea to be found as someone who's immune to radiation in a place where everyone else isn't. She knew Costia would be subjected to testes. I think season 2 of the show proves that Costia's mom was right, doesn't it?

3\. I'm glad I got to mention Maya again. We know from canon her father was a good person, as was she. It was nice to heighten that notion.

4\. The fact that Costia's birth was complicated is not new. It was mentioned back in chapter 14. I actually spoken about this in length with my doctor friend. I was wondering if upon cutting the umbilical cord there was bleeding from the baby's side of things. She told me that usually there wasn't. The only way to really see the baby's blood to a point that they'll realize upon birth that it was black was to have complications. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense and connected with the fact that Costia's mom would find some way to give birth away from the doctors. So going to a friend who didn't really know what they were doing helped and was just a bit more sensible in terms of authenticity.

5\. Spoiler – as for Costia telling Lexa she won't be the commander, but Lexa will, Costia, of course, always meant to lose. She knew that if she ever gets discovered, that'd be the path she'd take. That's why she's so certain Lexa would be the Commander because she also knew she'd fight for Lexa at the conclave and not for herself (we're talking about a scenario in which the conclave is "last man standing" which is the scenario I chose before we knew the conclave was based on rounds. But I chose to maintain that even after.) Lexa is still at the point of thinking it's not about who's better, it's about who the spirit chooses. She'll have a harsh awakening at a very critical moment. And even then she'll find a way to let it resonate with her beliefs.

6\. Originally, this chapter and the previous one were written as one single chapter, but I realized pretty quickly that A. It was too long of a chapter for my liking (and the story's average thus far) and B. Dramatically, it felt like two parts, each deserving its own attention. But know that for me they still are two parts of a whole.


	23. De Seken Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

Lexa walked into the throne room the following day. Their morning classes were cancelled because of "pressing matters," which was code for Costia. Lexa had no doubt that amidst all the sorrow caused by everything that happened, Costia was probably experiencing just a bit of self-satisfaction for causing some mayhem.

She spotted her friend to the side of the room, leaning on the wall. Costia looked just about as rested as Lexa was which was none. But when she locked eyes with Lexa, she smiled, at least. It was Costia's first time at the throne room and even though she was the subject of discussion between the Commander, his advisors, and the ambassadors, she wasn't allowed to participate, just to quietly wait for a verdict.

Lexa reached Costia's side, standing close enough for their hands to brush. The moment it happened Lexa felt a shiver run down her spine. They both knew that it happened, they both felt it, but instead of acknowledging it they chose to look forward so they could listen to the discussion.

More than anything, Lexa wanted to tell Costia how much she missed sleeping by her side. But even if they weren't in the middle of a heated conversation in the throne room, it still felt like too much. Why was it that telling Costia she missed her in general was okay but telling her that she missed sleeping by her side felt too dependent all of a sudden?

 _Maybe because what you would really be saying is 'I miss feeling your body against mine',_ she admitted to herself. What was even the point in saying something like that to Costia now? It would just make things harder. Lexa wasn't stupid. In the light of morning all the final pieces fell into place. She was the strongest warrior in her class, and now, if Costia joined? It will be them until the end, Costia was right about that. It will be one of them killing the other. It may have taken her all night but she finally realized what kind of favor Costia was doing them both all these years. So what was the point in telling Costia that she never wanted to sleep apart from her again?

 ** _"A mountain girl shouldn't even be considered!"_** One of the ambassadors exclaimed.

 _I'm standing right here,_ Costia thought.

 ** _"She's an okru, you ignorant bastard,"_** Lexa mumbled quietly under her breath. She forgot for a moment she was standing right next to Costia. Costia, who's never seen her so worked up before. Costia, who now took her hand. When Lexa looked up in surprise, remembering Costia was there, she found a small, grateful smile adorning Costia's face.

 ** _"She has the sacred blood, it is her birthright to take part in the conclave,"_** Titus pointed out matter-of-factly.

Chaos erupted in reaction to Titus' statement.

Costia rolled her eyes, subtly, but enough for Lexa to notice. Costia scanned Titus' face, trying to realize if he was her savior or the one dooming her fate.

Lexa, on her part, was surprised by his unwavering support before she remembered he probably saw this as his way of getting rid of Costia, and of making sure that Lexa dealt with her "weakness."

 _I should have never let her come here_ , Lexa thought.

"You didn't make me come here, I chose to come," Costia reminded gently. Lexa narrowed her eyes at her, upset that Costia read her mind, but her friend just gave her an apologetic smile. Costia knew. She always knew.

 ** _"Enough!"_** Waldron ordered eventually, bringing everyone's attention back to him. **_"It is not up to any of you to decide. Kostia kom okru is a Natblida,"_** he continued. Some sneered at the name, Titus himself didn't look too happy, but Lexa smiled softly, and when she looked at Costia she was surprised to see Costia watching the Commander in awe. Like she wasn't expecting anyone other than Lexa to ever acknowledge her as something that was essentially made up for her.

 ** _"She is the daughter of Nardo, one of the fiercest warriors in the clans,"_** Waldron reminded. **_"If the spirit chooses her, so be it,"_** he said with finality.

The room erupted again but Waldron was done. He got up to leave room, accompanied by Gustus and followed by everyone except for Costia and Lexa. He glanced at them on his way out, then he left while the ambassadors were on his tail, trying to convince him to change his mind.

Lexa turned to Costia excitedly.

"Waldron is an amazing leader. I mean, he added the eighth clan into the coalition so that's evidence enough, but look how wisely he just handled this whole thing," she smiled. She allowed herself a moment of being excited that Costia got to be included, to be seen as equal. She didn't really stop to think that maybe she didn't want Costia to be included, because for a moment, the meaning of it all didn't even occur to her. She just wanted Costia to get fair treatment.

Costia didn't reply. She looked to the side and seemed distant.

"What is it, Cos?" Lexa asked in worry.

 _Stupid question. What is it not?_ Lexa berated herself internally.

"Not even Nightblood is enough for them to think that I'm worthy," Costia laughed bitterly. "I don't belong anywhere," she noted sadly and turned to leave the room

"Hey," Lexa stopped her by grabbing her arm.

 _You belong with me._

"It's not that you don't belong anywhere," she moved a lock of Costia's hair away from her eyes and kept her hand on Costia's cheek. "It's that you belong everywhere." She meant it. That was the whole point. That was why Costia was special.

"Of course you'll say that," Costia scoffed. "You're Alex."

"So?"

"I never had to prove anything to you," Costia explained with a sad smile, "I always have to prove myself to others."

They realized that Lexa's hand was still somewhat cupping Costia's cheek and they exchanged an intense stare.

"This is silly," Costia huffed and broke away, creating safe distance between them. "I don't even want any of this."

"Well, I for one think you'd make a great Commander." Lexa confessed with a bittersweet smile. If she had to lose, at least let it be to Costia. Then it won't be as bad to die.

"No. Don't even say it, don't even think it," Costia spat angrily. "Whatever you do, you focus on you, you make sure it's you. You are smarter than anyone else I know. These people need you."She begged for Lexa to understand. Lexa swallowed hard but said nothing. Costia sighed and finally left.

"I need **you** ," Lexa admitted quietly, watching the girl she loved getting smaller and smaller.

* * *

Indra was standing and watching as the **_Natblida_** were getting ready for another day of classes. She's done that so many times before, she was even present to observe from afar as two new novitiates joined the class over the years. Even though today was another day in which a new novitiate joined the class, it was different.

She felt Costia by her side before she saw her. That, too, was something she's done many times before - standing silently by Costia's side as they looked over the rest.

 _No more,_ she knew. Costia switched sides which is not something anyone saw coming.

"You've known for a while, haven't you?" her tone was not judgmental, just observant as she asked the question in English.

"Yes," Costia didn't even hesitate before she replied. This was Indra and at the end of the day Indra was a friend and a confidant, of hers, and most importantly, of Lexa's. Indra was fiercely loyal to her friend. Costia knew Indra would understand what she's been trying to prevent for years. Indra also knew Costia well enough to know that she had no wish or claim to any title. As far as Costia was concerned this was not honor, but an unfortunate development.

Looking at the teenager now, Indra thought that while Costia saw no honor in any of this, she seemed to have come to terms with everything quite honorably.

Indra examined Costia's face. It was very clear that Costia was trying not to express anything specific. Costia looked forward, knowing that she'd have to move and join the class soon, but her face showed almost no emotion. Almost. When Indra looked into her eyes she could spot it, clear as the day –- heartbreak.

"You love her?" Indra asked softly. She didn't have to say who. Costia turned to look at her, mask dropping. This wasn't something she could or wanted to lie about.

"More than anything," she confessed genuinely. "Another thing I've known for awhile," she added bitterly and looked forward again, at Lexa, who was unpacking her battle gear and every now and then glanced to the sides, clearly looking for Costia.

"At least she got that damn buckle fixed," Costia blurted under her breath.

Indra studied Costia. She knew she was supposed to think that both girls were showing weakness, especially with Costia trying to hide the truth, but how could Indra think that when over the years she saw them show nothing but strength by empowering each other. She always had a feeling what the two could become, even when the girls were too young to understand, and now, when they maybe started to understand, Indra liked the idea of them together, wanted them to work. Up until two days prior it could still have happened. Lexa could have easily become the Commander, and Costia, who was smart, brave, loyal and a gifted warrior could have been her right hand woman, her lover, eventually her binded. And why not? Indra knew being a leader could be a lonely thing. She wanted Lexa to have someone to walk alongside her throughout her life. But as of two days prior, Indra knew, the two young adults were doomed.

"For what it's worth, I have no doubt she feels the same way, and I'm sorry," Indra said, putting a hand on Costia's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too," she gave Indra one last weak smile and left toward the circle that was starting to form. Lexa was already waiting for her, saving her the spot by her side.

* * *

 ** _"Today we are welcoming a new Natblida into our class_** ," Titus started. **_"You all know her, but as we always do, I will let her introduce herself, tell us her name, where she's from and when and how she was discovered. Kostia?"_**

Lexa have been through this three times before. Once when she got to Polis and twice more since, when Tycen and later Raaya joined them.

This was different. They didn't have to go through the circle one by one to introduce themselves to Costia. She was surprised Titus didn't insist on it.

And she never felt as protective over a newcomer before.

 ** _"Well,"_** her best friend started, scratching the back of her neck. **_"I am Kostia kom…"_**

And then Costia froze. She wasn't sure what to say. But Lexa was.

 ** _"Kom okru,"_** she finished the sentence for Costia, shooting her an encouraging smile. No one seemed to object to the name as they all traditionally welcomed Costia. Titus, however, did a very poor job in covering his grunt. Costia looked at Lexa with gratitude in her eyes. She took a breath and kept going.

 ** _"And, ummm… you've all known me for a while. I was discovered, well, two days ago. Otherwise I would have been here ages ago,"_** she chuckled lightly and everyone in the circle joined her.

 ** _"You forgot to tell us how you got discovered,"_** Myr pointed out innocently.

 _Dammit, Myr._ Lexa knew better than to fall for that act.

 ** _"Yeah, Kostia, tell us,"_** Fid encouraged, a devilish smirk on his face.

None of them knew what happened, but the location of Costia's wound, the randomness of it, they all suspected something had to catch Costia off guard and they were positive that something was Lexa.

Costia blushed and exchanged looks with Lexa which was a mistake. But Costia bravely pushed through.

She tried to think about something to say that would not give them away but at the same time would not belittle what was happening between them leading up to the unfortunate discovery.

 ** _"I've had a really long day at work, and I got out of the shower, I guess between the exhaustion and the hot water...I just got light headed,"_** she looked at Lexa who was amazed by how good her friend was at lying.

 _She had years of practice,_ Lexa reminded herself.

 ** _"I guess I lost my footing. I fell, Leksa caught me, and I got stabbed by the buckle from her armor,"_** Costia shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal.

 ** _"Been telling her to fix that thing for months,"_** Myr shook her head.

Lexa felt guilty. If it wasn't for that stupid buckle they may have been able to stay in their little bubble. But then she looked up at Costia and found her friend staring back at her with so much intensity, trying to convey a message without words.

"Listen to what I said, Alex," Costia's eyes communicated. "I said you make me lightheaded, you make me lose my footing. I said that when I fall, you catch me."

Lexa breath hitched in her throat. They couldn't be together, but that didn't prevent Costia from letting Lexa know just how much the moment they shared meant to her.

 _How did we get here?_ Lexa wondered. _We were supposed to be celebrating. Why is this happening?_

When she realized it gotten awfully quiet around them she looked up and saw everyone was staring at them. The teasing expressions were gone. Instead, she saw expressions of empathy, but also pity.

They looked at her in many ways over the years. They looked at her in awe, in respect, sometimes even in fear, but never in pity.

She didn't care for it. She hated it, if to be exact. And then, it suddenly occurred to her – for the first time in her life, she felt sorry for herself.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Lexa's acknowledgment that the conclave will be here and Costia until the end - It's one step forward two steps backwards when it comes to Lexa and logic vs. faith. It will remain so for a very long time. That inner battle is still ongoing when we meet her in canon.

2\. Binded –While I do think the concept of marriage exists in the Grounders' world (they have a word for husband and wife,) I feel like it won't be that term. "Binded," which feels both harsh but also permanent, felt like a good equivalent for the world of the Grounders.

3\. I liked finishing the chapter like this because the Lexa we know from both the show and this story so far hardly ever complains, never feels sorry for herself. I liked the idea that maybe this was a new sensation for her, a chance to show a deeper side of her vulnerability.


	24. De Seken Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

Jesus, I always do that. I think I have all the time in the world when I shop, and next thing I know, I'm about to be late to what might be a reunion with the love of my life.

Nicely played, Fields.

Thank god people dress me up for work, or I'd have a name of the most unprofessional person in the industry, ever.

I got an *amazing* blue dress, and many other clothing items. Which also meant I had to head back to my hotel room to drop it all off.

But I'm finally here. And now I'm standing in front of the entrance and I'm kinda paralyzed. I mean, what if she's the first thing I see when I walk in? Am I supposed to just waltz in there? And what will I say to her? Did I already mention that I didn't think this through, per se?

Yes, I obviously imagined this moment so many times in the course of the last three years, but this is different. I only get one shot at my 'first time I see you after three years'.

I have to remind myself that the bottom line is this – she'll either be happy to see me, or she won't. Nothing I say will change that. Might as well not say a word, see how she reacts, and then speak.

Sigh.

At least you look like a million dollars Fields, and you know it.

I walk in. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I know I can bump into her at any given moment and it makes me anxious. Seriously, remember that at least you *know* that you might see her. She couldn't have prepped herself for this. It *is* a sort of an ambush.

Let's just hope it's like… a puppy ambush and not like… a monsters ambush.

I'd be ok with being ambushed by puppies, right?

I look around me. It looks like a really nice, black tie kind of event. I picked the right kind of dress. A man approaches me immediately and offers to take my coat. I agree and thank him and less then a second later, another one approaches me to hand me a program.

Here I am again, on the cover of the program.

I can imagine myself noticing Paige from the back. Approaching her and telling her, "I figured I might as well show up, considering I'm the star of the night." Then she'll recognize my voice, smile without me seeing her, and turn around with a new, composed expression.

That's how it happens in the movies. Which means that's where this specific scenario will probably stay.

I guess I can always try and enjoy the art until I find her. If only I wasn't such a jumpy, unstable wreck.

I see some statues and some paintings, I grab a glass of nice wine, but I'm completely distracted. Then, in a very central area of the gallery, without sharing the wall with any other works, there's Paige's piece.

It catches me off guard, because it's so beautiful, and I can't help but feeling happy that I'm a part of it.

There's a wonderful creation in front of me, and I'm featured in it.

I can't help but thinking that in a way, Paige gave me a present. This looks like the kind of work that was born out of love.

I guess I seem overwhelmed and completely absorbed by the piece, because someone approaches me and starts talking to me.

"You like it? You've been staring at it for the past five minutes."

It's a short girl, with red hair, and she's clearly local, considering her accent. She has a determined, yet playful expression on her face.

"Five minutes?! That's *a lot*! Did you time me? Also, how did you know I was an American?"

"I didn't. I just assumed you spoke English. Most of the guests usually do. And yes, I did. I did time you. In my profession, we say that any minute the client stares at a piece, is one more grand he's willing to pay for it."

"So that leaves us with $5000, ah?"

"Yes, and only because I came over. Who knows how many more grands you'd be standing here for."

"Many, actually. This one is worth… (I almost say 'the world to me') a lot. I'd pay a lot for it."

"Sadly, it's already sold."

"Is it? Wow. That was fast."

"It was sold before the show, actually."

"Then why is it even presented? Gotta cause a lot of disappointment around here."

"It does. But its presented because it's beautiful. And the gallery wants to establish itself. And because Paige McCullers is becoming really hot."

Don't I know it.I shiver at the mention of her name. I guess I was caught off guard. Which is funny considering we *are* standing in front of Paige's painting and discussing it.

"I see. Then why let me stand here for minutes in front it, instead of ending my pain?" I ask with a smirk.

She smiles at me.

"Because there's plenty more from where this came from and it's all amazing work."

"And how do you know that?"

I start to worry that this girl, who is admittedly cute, knows way too much about Paige for my liking.

"Because it's my job to know. I'm Aimée. Her agent."

She stretches her hand to shake mine. I sigh with relief. That's why she's so invested in this. I shake her hand and say "nice to meet you." But don't add my name. Not yet.

"She's very talented." I say as I turn back to the painting.

I can feel her looking at me and all of a sudden she says "She's also very single. And gorgeous."

I can feel myself blush, and I turn to her in shock.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

I don't really know what to think, but at least my brain is functional enough to realize that A. Paige really is single, and B. Aimée is clearly not interested in her.

Aimée smiles and says ,"sorry. That was very direct. It's just… you're stunning. And Paige is very good with either finding herself in destructive relationships, or moping around about her ex from years ago."

That's me. That's me! She mopes about me!

Then before I get to say a word, Aimée speaks again.

"I just figured, you know, I'd give it a shot. You seem to appreciate her talent, so that's a good start, and I don't even know your sexual orientation, but she can use a positive distraction. I would actually be more subtle and just introduce you two if the idiot would've showed up tonight, but she's not here. Probably moping some more. At least it usually leads to good art."

I don't know what to think. This entire conversation is overwhelming, and I realize that Paige isn't even here. This is all sorts of crushing to me.

I guess she notices it takes me time to react because she says, "oh, gosh, I shouldn't have said so many things about her ex. This is probably the most unprofessional conversation I've ever had at a professional event."

I look at her, and I just need to get out of there.

"I… I gotta go."

I start to leave as she grabs my arm and says "I'm sorry I sounded so crazy. But even though she has a crazy agent, she's still amazing."

She hands me a card.

"Here. This is my website. Just check her portfolio on it, please."

I smile at the distressed woman. I need to end her misery. I clearly got her to feel really bad, but she's very loyal to Paige, and cares about her, which I appreciate.

"You think she's extraordinary, ah?"

"I know she is. In many ways. And everyone who meets her thinks so too."

"I can believe that," I say.

We smile at each other.

I turn around and I leave.


	25. De Seken Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Costia was finally about to reach the village. Titus stalled, and stalled, saying that he was waiting for the Commander's approval, until one day Costia was done waiting on Titus and approached the Commander herself after class. She asked politely yet determinedly for his permission.

Lexa gawked at her from afar, thinking "unbelievable."

She was even more baffled when the Commander agreed on the spot.

"If you don't try, you never achieve anything in life, Alexandra," Costia teased as she approached her friend that day and saw the shock on her face.

But that was three days ago, and now, after three weeks of waiting on Titus to no avail, she was finally home.

She didn't tell anyone she was coming. Since her father was dead silent ever since she was discovered, even though he learned the news from Lexa, Costia decided to just show up and go from there.

Lexa was still freaking out up until when Costia left, trying to convince her for the umpteenth time not to go alone, but Costia just rolled her eyes, told Lexa "stop worrying" and finally left.

Lexa understood logically that anyone who might cross Costia's path would be subjected to immediate danger if they misbehaved around her friend, but she couldn't not worry. She was in love with Costia and her petite best friend disappeared into the horizon, getting smaller by the minute, all alone.

Costia tried not to think about it. She felt guilty knowing how worried her friend was when she left, but she had to go. If the tables were turned Lexa would've gone, too, and just knowing that told Costia that she was doing the right thing.

She was hoping that the note she left in Lexa's room that morning, saying "I'll be back before you know it," with a fresh loaf of bread she managed to guilt the bakery owner into giving her, would sweeten the sour feeling she left Lexa with.

And it's not that Lexa didn't have a reason to worry, people did disturb her along the way, but as predicted, Costia left a little trail of beat up grown men as she rode along.

First they'd approach her on their own horses or by foot, a cunning smile on their faces. They'd ask her to get off the horse. She'd grimace, say "no thanks," and try to keep going. Then, they'd try to grab the horse which really pissed her off. This was Lexa's horse for years and Costia had every intention of bringing it back to Polis safely and well cared for.

"You don't want to do that," she repeated time and again to the men who would then just tag along. Then she'd sigh and say "You **really** don't want to do that. I'm a **_Natblida_** from Polis." They'd hesitate for a second, and then remember that there was no logical explanation for a young **_Natblida_** to be traveling by her lonesome. And that was when she resulted to violence. No one died, but many egos were bruised and by the time she finally reached Ton DC, the rumors of the thirteen year old whom made men four times her size eat sand, reached other travelers and people left her be.

And now she was finally here, walking through the gates, nodding at some familiar faces. People bowed their heads.

 _They all know,_ she realized. Two Nightbloods from the same village were a rare thing. Costia and Lexa made them proud. It was an omen for good luck, Costia knew.

 _How nice that they get to be proud while we get to be dead,_ Costia thought bitterly.

She didn't want to think about that. She wanted to see Dara, and her father, and her baby brother. Her father being silent also meant that they didn't come to visit.

 _How dare he,_ Costia thought, glaring as she walked toward the bungalow, _keeping my brother away from me?_

She got herself all worked up. As far as she was concerned she had reasons to be upset, too. All that talk about how she lied all these years, she wanted it to occur to her loved ones that it wasn't exactly something that she enjoyed doing. At least it seemed like Lexa had grown to understand it. Costia was so grateful to have her best friend, even if she didn't really have her.

 _You do have her, you always have her, and she has you, even if it's not in the way you both wish it was._

She finally reached her home and could see Nardo through the window. It was mid-day, she knew Dara would be working. Aden could've either gone to work with her, the customers loved him, or be at home with Nardo. But her father seemed focused on something, and it was quiet. She concluded Aden must have gone with Dara.

She stood by the window, voiceless for a moment, he didn't notice her, but she enjoyed looking at his profile, let the anger wash away while she was watching her favorite man in the world.

 ** _"So you knew from Leksa's letter and you still didn't write or visit this entire month,"_** she finally said matter-of-factly, making is head snap toward the window. **_"You must be really mad,"_** she concluded.

He jumped off his chair and opened the door. She rushed in and he grabbed her and took her in for a bone-crushing embrace. He didn't say anything and neither did she. He just kept holding her tight until eventually she started crying. She managed to keep it together for four weeks, only getting teary eyed when talking to Lexa about all the heavy things between them. But now, in her father's arms, Costia broke down and was completely sobbing.

"Daddy…" she managed to mumble in between sobs, "I'm sorry."

He didn't say a single word, he just let her cry and cry for ten more minutes until she was all teared out. He finally let her go, and pulled out a chair for her. As she sat down he fixed her a glass of water.

 ** _"I'm glad you're home daughter,"_** he offered sincerely.

 ** _"Me, too, but if you wanted to see me why didn't you just visit?"_** she questioned miserably. **_"Or write?"_**

 ** _"You didn't write either,"_** he pointed out.

 ** _"I didn't know what to say."_**

 ** _"Neither did I,"_** he admitted. **_"I just needed some time to process, Kostia. To…"_**

 ** _"Mourn?"_** she provided, knowing where he was coming from.

 ** _"Don't say that."_**

She nodded and sniffed. She didn't like ignoring the truth but at the same time she saw the moment was hard on her father, too, and there was no reason to push him.

 ** _"I wish you would've told me,"_** he sighed sadly. **_"Your mother…"_**

 ** _"Was the one who told me to make sure you never found out,"_** Costia admitted.

He looked at her in surprise, in disappointment. If it would've been Costia's decision, he could've blamed it on her being a young girl who was born somewhere else and didn't understand the magnitude of this lie. But Costia knew what she was doing, and Costia wasn't the driving force of this deception. Not originally, anyway. Her mom, however, was an adult, who knew what Nightblood meant for Nardo's people.

 ** _"Face it, dad, mom didn't want you to know,"_** Costia added remorsefully. **_"I think she didn't want to put you in the position of having to deal with it."_**

Costia couldn't tell if her father was more hurt over the fact that she never told him, or over the fact that she got discovered.

 ** _"Instead you had to,"_** he pointed out.

 ** _"She couldn't have predicted Aleks and how much of a burden it would actually be,"_** Costia shrugged. **_"She just tried to keep her daughter safe. It may have started as me fulfilling her request, but eventually I realized what I was doing, Dad. And it was my choice,"_** she explained. She didn't want to let him down, but she had to be honest about not regretting her actions either.

He remained quiet.

 ** _"Please don't be mad. I know this puts shame on you, but…"_**

 ** _"No shame, daughter. Those people have no idea,"_** he clarified, gesturing at the world outside their window. **_"They'd never dream to insinuate that a daughter of mine hid the truth about her blood. They will believe any other story that you'd tell them, as long as they get two Natblidas from the same village. And even if they don't believe you, so what?"_**

 ** _"So you are not upset?"_**

 ** _"No. I really do wish you would've told me but I understand why you couldn't."_**

They sat for another hour as Costia told him everything. Starting with the discovery on the day she was born, through getting to Ton DC and understanding what the Nightblood meant and how it could affect her relationship with Lexa, and up until the month it's been since Lexa found out, and eventually asking the Commander to let her come home. She even told him about the kiss between Lexa and herself. She could finally live with no secrets and she was at least going to do that.

 ** _"I'm sorry, daughter. This must have been hard on you. We were all rooting for the both of you to get together,"_** he admitted.

 ** _"You were?"_**

 ** _"Yes, of course. A few more years and you could've been binded to each other,"_** he shook his head, mourning for both himself and his daughter for the things that could never be. **_"You two were probably the last ones to understand what was going on between you."_**

 ** _"You must be right because this is not the first time I'm hearing this,"_** Costia chuckled. It was nice to be able to laugh about some of this, among all the tears and the heartbreak, find the humor, even if it was the cynical type.

He offered her his own bittersweet smile and then gave her a moment since he could tell she was gathering her thoughts.

 ** _"You need to keep coming to Polis to visit and you need to treat Aleks like you always have,"_** Costia ordered. **_"None of this is her fault."_**

 ** _"Of course it's not,"_** Nardo snorted, **_"And of course we will. She wrote while you didn't. She always was way more well behaved than you,"_** he pointed out with a teasing glare.

 ** _"One of the many reasons why she would make a great leader,"_** Costia stated with conviction.

 ** _"Kostia…"_** Nardo warned. He was afraid she was already giving up.

 ** _"Let's not talk about this anymore, father,"_** Costia pleaded.

 ** _"Alright,"_** he agreed softly. **_"And what of you two?"_** he asked cautiously.

 ** _"What of us?"_** Costia scoffed. This was yet another topic she didn't particularly want to discuss.

 ** _"Don't you want to make the time you have count?"_**

 ** _"To what end?"_** Costia inquired sarcastically.

 ** _"So you can be happy until the end,"_** he pointed out, trying to remain calm in the face of Costia's obvious irritation. **_"You have to try everything in life at least once, otherwise how would you know?"_**

He always said that, heck, she said something similar to Lexa right after she talked to the Commander, yet she wasn't going to listen.

 ** _"And then one of us will live the rest of her life knowing she killed her own soul mate?"_** Costia blurted brokenly.

He looked at her straight in the eye but didn't say a word. Ultimately, that decision was hers and Lexa's, and he wasn't entirely sure what he would've done in their place.

 ** _"I think I'm going to rest for a bit,"_** Costia decided and got off the chair. **_"I'm tired from my travels. But I won't sleep for long,"_** she promised softly.

 ** _"Dara and Aden will be very glad you're home."_**

 ** _"It's good to be home,"_** Costia confirmed happily. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and left the room.

* * *

 ** _"There you go,"_** he handed her a small bag with powder.

 ** _"Leksa would be very happy, it's a pleasure doing business with you,"_** Costia raised the bag in his direction as a gesture of gratitude.

 ** _"I'd like to think I do this because we are friends,"_** Nyko huffed.

 ** _"Of course we are friends, Nyko, no need to get emotional,"_** she teased.

 ** _"Real friends don't leave other friends to go to Polis and die in a conclave!"_** he pointed out.

 ** _"Mine did,"_** Costia shrugged. **_"When I was nine. I'd say you are lucky to have had four more wonderful years with me."_**

 ** _"Technically you've been in Polis for two years now,"_** he reminded.

 ** _"Nyko?"_**

 ** _"Yes?"_**

 ** _"Shut up."_**

 ** _"Fine,"_** he surrendered and they were left to sit in comfortable silence.

" ** _Any word from Linkoln?"_** She asked, hopeful. True to his word, her friend has been silent ever since he left Polis three months prior.

 ** _"Not really,"_** Nyko replied sadly. He was left lonely, too. Just like Lincoln, just like herself. She was wondering what Lincoln would say if he heard about everything that happened. **_"We had some traders from floukru_** ** _over. They said they came across him and he asked to send his regards and say he was happy."_**

 ** _"Good, I'm glad,"_** Costia stated sincerely. Her friend has been torn for a while. She loved knowing that his journeys actually helped.

 _And he got to see the shore, like he wanted._

 ** _"I don't even think he knows,"_** she voiced her thoughts.

 ** _"About your recent… development?"_**

 ** _"Yeah."_**

 ** _"I'm sure he'll find out eventually,"_** Nyko concluded.

 ** _"I just wanted a chance to say goodbye,"_** Costia explained softly.

" ** _Is this what this visit is about? Saying goodbye?"_** Nyko asked with a grimace.

 ** _"Yeah, I mean, even without thinking about the future, I won't be able to come back and visit,"_** she pointed out.

He nodded in sad understanding.

" ** _You should come visit sometime, Nyk, if Kay ever let's you go,"_** Costia teased. **_"I know how you feel about Polis healers but the markets are amazing. Maybe you'll find some great new ingredients to try on yourself so you can grow a second head,"_** Costia joked lightly and earned herself a chuckle.

 ** _"I just might, old friend. I just might."_**

* * *

 ** _"Is she happy?"_** Anya inquired the following day. Costia was surprised. Anya was never one to talk about feelings, but then again Costia was always her connection to Lexa. Costia would come back and visit and Anya could paint a picture about Lexa's life in Polis just by listening to Costia's updates. Now, Costia realized, Anya was losing the lifeline. **_"I mean I know what Indra tells me, her assumptions,"_** Anya explained, **_"but it's not the same as hearing it from you."_**

Costie realized Indra knew Anya wanted to know in more depth without Anya ever needing to ask.

 _Bless Indra,_ she thought and tried to figure out how to reply to Anya's question.

 ** _"She's happy as she can be,"_** Costia smiled gently, because it was the sad truth and because thinking about Lexa, seeing Lexa in her head, always brought a smile to her face. **_"She's the best one in our class,"_** Costia continued proudly. **_"It's not the fighting, it's her beautiful, beautiful brain, her understanding of strategy, her compassion. Everything about her,"_** Costia finished dreamily.

 ** _"I always had a feeling she'd be Heda one day, but I thought maybe I'm thinking it because she was mine, you know?"_** Anya confessed uncharacteristically.

 ** _"I do know, but it's not just you. She is special,"_** Costia pointed out. **_"Then again, she's mine, too."_**

Anya smiled at her but said nothing.

 ** _"Aren't you going to say anything about how we were the last ones to understand what we are and how tragic our story is?"_** Costia mocked, masking her true feelings.

 ** _"No, kid, I won't,"_** Anya replied softly, surprising Costia by putting a soft hand on her shoulder. **_"And she'll remain yours, no matter what."_**

Costia appreciated the sentiment, but even that small mention of the subject that kept coming up no matter who she'd spoken to made her feel suffocated. She needed to change the topic, and she needed to head back home, anyway. It was almost time to head back to Polis.

She offered Anya a thankful smile and got up.

 ** _"You should come visit sometime. She's going to love that,"_** Costia offered, knowing there was no need to explain who "she" was.

 ** _"I'll think about it,"_** Anya promised. **_"Be good, Kostia, and watch over her."_**

 ** _"I always do."_**

* * *

Costia and Nardo were right outside the gates of Ton DC. She was preparing Lexa's horse for the trip back to Polis.

 ** _"You sure you don't want a travel companion?"_** Nardo asked in concern. She was his baby no matter how old or fierce of a warrior she was.

Just as Nardo was done asking the question, a merchant came toward the village, clearly spotting behind them a colleague of his who was just about to leave Ton DC.

 ** _"Hey!"_** the approaching merchant called, **_"careful out there! There are rumors of a girl who keeps beating up travelers! They named her the Tiny Menace."_**

 ** _"Good to know, thank you,"_** his colleague said gratefully as they met by the gate, Nardo and Costia witnessed the whole thing.

 ** _"I think I'll be okay, Daddy,"_** she smirked at him.

He gave her a hearty laugh. **_"That's my girl."_**

 ** _"The nickname is a bit excessive, though. It was only like, five guys, and they deserved it."_**

 ** _"I'm sure they did,"_** Nardo looked at his daughter lovingly.

 ** _"Daddy, Daddy!"_** a three year old toddler joined them, Dara following closely behind holding a staff. **_"You forgot Kostia's present!"_**

 ** _"I didn't forget it, I just wanted you to give it to her,"_** Nardo messed Aden's hair.

 ** _"What is it, little brother?"_** Costia asked with a chuckle.

 ** _"It's a Bo!"_** Aden announced, trying to grab it from his mother, but it was too heavy and Nardo grabbed the other end of it just before it tipped Aden over.

 ** _"What do you give the warrior who doesn't appreciate killing very much?"_** Nardo hypothized sheepishly and gave his daughter the Bo.

 ** _"You made this?"_** Costia asked in awe, examining the wood work, touched by the gesture.

 ** _"I did, daughter, I started working on it when Leksa first sent her letter,"_** he confessed, happy that Costia seemed to be taken by the weapon. **_"Let them use swords. This is more you."_**

 ** _"It is,"_** she agreed. He carved the outline of Mount Weather as a pattern on the side of it. Not the bunker, just the view. It took her breath away. **_"Thank you,"_** she hugged him.

 ** _"Don't be mistaken though, girl, if you need to kill…"_** he grabbed the Bo from her and showed her a switch in the side of the Bo. A blade popped out from a hidden compartment at one of the Bo's ends.

 ** _"I could also break necks with this, if need be,"_** Costia pointed out, thinking it's a much cleaner solution.

 ** _"I prefer you have all the options."_**

 ** _"I prefer to not have to choose,"_** Costia smiled at him, loving that he made something personalized for her, that he knew she'd also choose a dismantle over a kill. It was unorthodox for a **_Natblida_** to use anything other than a sword.

 _Titus is going to hate it,_ the thought made her even happier.

 ** _"Thank you, Daddy, it's beautiful."_**

 ** _"We love you,"_** Nardo said.

 ** _"I love you too, I'll see you soon."_**

They all huddled in a little group hug, Aden just about tall enough to hug Costia's leg. She bent down to kiss him on his forehead.

 ** _"Don't do anything silly, brother,"_** she warned lovingly.

 ** _"I won't!"_** he promised.

She pulled away and got on the horse.

She started riding, looking back at them, thinking that she had just lost another home. She found it fitting, considering she was on her way to a little sight-seeing stop, to watch over the first home she'd ever lost, the one that her father commemorated on her Bo.

* * *

Notes:

1\. It was essential for me to explore the immediate aftermath of Costia's reveal at length. Not just the effect it had on her, but on other characters, too, most of all Lexa. This is why this chapter is a bit Costia-centric and why we had a few chapters in a row happening in close proximity. But after this one it was time to move on from the discovery itself and start dealing with the new normal.

2\. I like the idea that for the Grounders the discovery of a Nightblood in their village meant good luck. They always take such pride and honor in everything that has to do with Nightblood that this made sense to me.

2\. **_Floukru_** – Boat People in **_Trigedasleng._** This is another tie in to canon in which the only difference is that Costia was number eight and not Luna. But Lincoln still made it over there on his travels and learned all about them, including the whole – "put a leaf in the fire to summon us" thing.

3\. The Bo - a bo as in Donatello the Ninja Turtle's weapon (he happens to be my favorite,) not as in bow. I wanted a "pacifist weapon" for Costia, but one that could still be deadly. So imagine her walking around with a staff looking weapon in her hand or attached to her back. Also – see note 63.

4\. Unorthodox! There it is again! Name dropping another fic!

5\. Spoiler – "don't do anything silly, brother" - of course very soon he'll do something silly indeed and will be discovered as a Nightblood, too, which should come as a surprise to no one. I believe this is what the kids call foreshadowing.


	26. De Seken Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

 _Six months later…_

 ** _"Kill marks. Who can tell me about them?"_** Titus asked his class. Eight hands were raised in the air. Costia's wasn't one of them. She had a lot of least favorite subjects when it came to the learning of the clans' ways and history, but she had a feeling kill marks would be somewhere at the top of that list.

 ** _"Leksa,"_** Titus allowed and Costia snorted quietly. Her best friend was such a teacher's pet. It didn't really bother Costia. She loved that trait. Actually, she was in love with that trait.

 ** _"A warrior gets a kill mark upon his first kill. Either on the chest or the shoulder. From that point on, every time there's another kill, he adds another kill mark,"_** Lexa recited.

 _No thank you,_ Costia thought. She haven't killed before and she had no intention of doing so before her conclave, after which, she knew she won't be around to carry any marks, or guilt over the lives she has taken. Her best friend wasn't so fortunate.

 ** _"What else, Leksa?"_** Titus asked, **_"you don't have kill marks. Tell us why."_**

 ** _"I…"_** her best friend started and looked around. Ton DC was in constant war with one force or another. The rest of her classmates were never put in the position of having to kill. Lexa killed before she even got to Polis, and then when she was already an official novitiate, she went back to Ton DC for a few months, and a whole lot more of killing.

She wanted to speak, but she choked. And then she found Costia's face, smiling at her, letting her know wordlessly that it was okay, that Lexa could speak the truth of her situation and feel no shame over it, and that we are what life turns us into. It was the same idea Costia always tried to convey when she held Lexa every night in Ton DC in their shared bed when Lexa came back from some more killing. Lexa wished her friend could be spared the pain that the guilt brought with it, but she knew Costia couldn't avoid it forever.

She swallowed hard and finally spoke. **_"I never got the first one. Ton DC was always facing something. My mentors knew I'll have far too many kills for kill marks. They were right."_** She knew she gained the circle's respect, everyone looked at her in awe. Everyone but Costia, whose eyes were yelling "I'm here for you." Lexa wanted that way more than she wanted the respect, but even so, she didn't dare to look down.

 _I am what I am and I accept that,_ she thought. But Titus recognized that she wasn't looking proud either.

 _Compassion,_ he thought. _Always compassionate, more than anyone else in her class._ Then again, he didn't know Costia, at all.

He nodded at Lexa to acknowledge that she was heard, like always, without any additional commentary from him. He moved on with his lesson.

 ** _"Kill marks are scars. Scars that tell a story both of the fallen and the victor. But in truth, all of our scars tell our story, not just the kill marks. Scars are to be cherished and respected. They are a proof that we're alive, that we've endured,"_** Titus elaborated. This was one of his favorite classes. He had taught many novitiates over the years and each had a different story to tell based on their scars. They all had different journeys. He liked to think he was a man of honor and tradition, even if stubborn at times, and the topic at hand symbolized both honor and tradition as far as he was concerned.

Not for Costia, who was thinking how **her** scar, the one just under her collar bone caused by a certain buckle months before, was a death sentence and the end of a very short lived dream come true.

 _How is that endurance?_ She wondered. _In my book it's just crap._

But scars were much more than even Titus described them as, she realized when she found Lexa's eyes and they both smiled.

 _Scars are memories, too._

 ** _"Yes, scars are endurance,"_** Lexa joked uncharacteristically. She couldn't help herself when Costia was looking at her like that. **_"Just like Kostia endured the tree branch that hit her right in the face and gave her that scar on her lip,"_** she snorted, pointing at her friend and missing the fact that her friend's face turned as white as a ghost.

 ** _"There must've been a lot of blood,"_** Titus stated casually, catching up to what has just been said way faster than the actual speaker.

 ** _"I wouldn't know,"_** Costia locked challenging eyes with him. " ** _I was three. My mom told me about it."_**

Lexa realized right away what almost happened. Titus had the same amount of passion toward disqualifying Costia's credibility as Costia had toward letting him know subtly that she didn't care about any of this, and that she wasn't going to lose in that game that they were playing. Lexa realized Costia also saved **her**. Lexa's story could've implied that she was present when Costia's scar was created, which, technically, she was. It didn't matter that she never saw the blood, that Costia hid it from her. There was only so much that Titus could believe.

 _Bless Costia and her quick thinking._

Titus narrowed his eyes at Costia but there was nothing he could do.

 ** _"Alright,"_** he moved on, **_"tonight, I want each of you to stand in front of a mirror, go scar by scar and remember how you got it, and find why it was meaningful to you,"_** he assigned them their homework. **_"And now, split into duos and practice fighting skills."_** He clapped his hands and the novitiates were on their feet and on their way to grab their fighting gear which was left on the sidelines.

"Do you wanna pair up?" Lexa asked her surprised best friend.

They never worked together in class. The moment Lexa realized, after Costia's first week as a novitiate, that Costia was back to her old tricks of not using her full capabilities, Lexa knew it won't do her any good to work with Costia. She was there to learn, after all. But with the disaster that almost unraveled with all the scar talk, she felt the urge be in close proximity to her friend.

"Sure, Alex, if you want to," Costia shrugged.

"I'm sorry," Lexa apologized for what she almost caused.

"No, Alex, **I'm** sorry," Costia countered. "Sorry that you even have to think like that. Like I do," Costia explained, subconsciously reminding Lexa again of how hard it must've been for Costia to keep this to herself all these years, to always be on her guard.

Not too far from there Titus was joined by Waldron who on occasion would come and see the novitiates train.

When Titus saw that Lexa paired up with Costia his face twisted in dismay.

 ** _"You are too obvious with your dislike, Fleimkepa,"_** Waldron pointed out.

 ** _"She's average, Heda, she has an unhealthy hold over our most promising novitiate._** **_And she has a big mouth. Unless it's time to show that she actually memorized the material we've been teaching,"_** Titus sneered.

 ** _"She might surprise you one day,"_** Waldron offered just as Costia was thrown by Lexa onto the ground.

 ** _"She will be dead one day,"_** Titus stated flatly.

Back on the fighting ground Lexa rolled her eyes in frustration.

"Come on, Cos what do I need to do to make you put some real effort into this?" she huffed.

"Take me to the woods this weekend, Alexandra," Costia flirted. She couldn't help herself. Irritated Lexa was so cute.

Lexa blushed. Even without using her sword Costia found a way to throw her off. Costia was back on her feet ready for another round of pretence.

At least they still had the woods. A session with Costia in the woods on the weekend was the best workout Lexa got all week.

"I just don't understand why you're insisting on keeping this up," Lexa admitted.

"I don't trust him," Costia gestured with her head behind Lexa. "I don't like him knowing everything I think, or can do," she explained. Lexa turned around and saw Titus and Waldron standing and watching, appearing to be in the midst of a tense conversation.

Waldron was the one speaking now.

 ** _"She might die one day, but death is not the end, you know that, Fleimkepa. And some people make a huge impact when they are dead. Alter things completely."_**

 ** _"I don't trust her,"_** Titus noted without reservations. **_"I think there's much she's not telling us about her upbringing, about her blood."_**

 ** _"She's about to give us her future, one way or the other. Don't ask her to give us her past as well,"_** the Commander ordered, letting Titus know he wanted him to drop the subject, to not pursue it in the future.

Waldron saw the two young novitiates looking at them. Costia, specifically, eyed him suspiciously.

 _She knows something,_ Waldron thought. _But what is it that she knows this time?_ Costia always seemed like she knew something but never spoke it out loud. His classes included. That's how he knew she was smart. Titus may have missed that, but Titus was not the Commander. And furthermore, he realized, Costia **wanted** Titus to miss it.

He could appreciate her hidden intelligence, and her survival instinct that made her act the way she acted, hide the things she hid, but it wasn't a behavior that fit a Commander.

 _Too bad she's a Nightblood,_ he thought, _she could've probably made a wonderful advisor._

The Commander shouldn't live in total transparency, he knew, but Costia keeping things hidden from **him** was telling him that she had no interest in becoming the next Commander, and that, alone, was enough to suggest that she wasn't the right person for the job.

But that's also how he knew she was an ally. Lexa may have not understood it yet, but he did. Costia was going to do everything within her power to make sure her friend ascended after his death.

And if she **did** do everything within her power to assure Lexa's ascendency, he had to believe she was guided by the Commander's spirit to do so.

"Cos? Cos? Hello?" Lexa was trying to get her friend's attention back. "I know you're putting on a little show of impotence for Titus but I think that just standing here and staring at him would kind of give you away?" Lexa chuckled.

"What?" Costia was brought out of her reverie. She didn't hear a word of what Lexa was saying.

"Cos, what's going on? Are you okay?" Lexa inquired in concern. "Where did you just go?"

"I…" _The Commander seems a bit fatigued._

Granted, he had a busy, stressful life, but there was something else, something familiar.

"I don't know," Costia admitted. And it was the truth. She didn't know.

Lexa eyed her worriedly.

"It's okay, Alex. Let's keep going. It's nothing," Costia assured. Inside, she was hoping she was right, and that it **was** nothing, because if she was wrong, well, she wasn't ready to deal with the implications of that. Not so soon.

"Fine, then let's keep going, but this time, at least make me break some sweat," Lexa demanded and span her sword in her hand.

"If you insist," Costia smirked and span her own sword.

She really hated fighting with a sword. Not when she had a beautiful weapon her father made for her. But when she first used her Bo in class Titus almost combusted and while it was very satisfying for Costia, it halted the class and she didn't want to be responsible for that. So she used it on the weekends which meant Lexa's face came to know it from way too close.

But today wasn't the weekend and Costia wasn't using her Bo. She was also not trying too hard in general which is why a few moments later she found herself flat on her back again, this time with Lexa on top of her, wooden sword to Costia's neck.

"You said you'll make me break sweat!" Lexa complained.

"But I like it right here," Costia teased.

 _Now she's sweating,_ Costia thought when she saw her friend swallowing hard. She knew she shouldn't have, she knew that all the flirting would hurt them both in the long run, but sometimes she couldn't stop herself from making the girl she was in love with flustered. It gave them both a momentary joy and they both knew that's all they've got, a momentary joy.

 ** _"Would you two stop flirting during class?"_** Myr protested while blocking a hit from Raaya. **_"It's distracting."_**

 ** _"Stop making excuses for your inferior technique,"_** Raaya chuckled and managed to get a hit in, making Myr groan.

From afar, Titus spotted the two girls on the ground on top of each other and growled.

Waldron watched his profile in concern, worried about what this anger in Titus, his stubbornness might lead to one day. Titus was an extremely smart and capable advisor. He was also loyal and understood the importance of compassion. But Titus also often believed that there was only one way to do things. Waldron himself started to realize the longer he reigned, that this wasn't always the case. There had to be room for exploration, for improvisation. There had to be flexibility for there to be evolvement. He was hoping some of it would eventually rub off on Titus who advised three more Commanders before him.

 _And if not me, maybe a younger generation can teach him,_ he thought, looking at Lexa. If Titus made him worried, Lexa made him hopeful.

* * *

Notes:

1, Regarding Lexa and her history with kills - she tells Costia about her first kill and how it made her feel back in chapter 6.

2\. And about the kill marks - Clarke was asked about kill marks in canon after she became **_Wanheda_** and replied that her back wasn't big enough (for marks for all the kills that she committed.) Jason Rothenberg later noted that it was the same with Lexa and I really wanted to address that in the story. It wouldn't make sense if I didn't because it's tradition and since I wanted to discuss scars, I felt like Lexa's kill marks had to be brought up.

3\. Chapter 8 was the first time Titus acknowledged Lexa's instinctual compassion and she keeps reminding him of that ever since. We see it early in this chapter too.

4\. Ah, of course, the branch incident all the way back in chapter 2. Costia worked really hard to hide her blood that day.

5\. Waldron saying that some people's death make a huge impact, alter things- a bit of an understatement. We know just how much Costia's death altered Lexa's whole being. I think Waldron knew Costia will have an impact whether she lived or died.

6\. Spoiler – Costia's being worried but don't know why - but she was starting to know because she'd seen it before. This was the first glimpse into a sad understanding of what was coming and up until this point Costia was sure they'd have more time.

7\. We all know what Titus' anger and stubbornness led to. Hint – it involves a bullet.


	27. De Seken Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

 _Five Months Later…_

Lexa walked quickly toward Costia's room. She was excited. She got a "letter" from Aden and he attached a drawing of what she could only assume was their family. She couldn't help but notice that in the drawing Costia and herself were holding hands. It was the first time he ever attempted something like that and Lexa was really honored that he sent it to her. He knew she'd show it to Costia right away, but he still sent it to **her**. She loved when Costia's family made her feel included, and she couldn't wait to show it to Costia.

They sat with each other almost every evening after classes, in either one of their rooms, talking, discussing the day they had, but tonight, Lexa got to her room much later. She stayed behind to practice some more, and by the time she got back to her room, most of the floor was quiet, presumably asleep.

 _But Costia would want me to wake her up for this,_ Lexa knew. It was too adorable to wait with until the following morning.

 _And if I happen to get really sleepy while I visit her and I end up falling asleep in her bed and staying the night, would that be so bad?_ She wondered.

 _Yes, it would._

It happened once before. They woke up the following morning to find that they naturally drifted closer during the night. Costia was holding her from behind, and her hand was under Lexa's shirt, touching her skin. Lexa's eyes snapped open when she realized what was happening but she wasn't sure Costia was awake yet. Then she shuddered when she felt the shallow breath on the back of her neck and knew her best friend was awake. Costia's hand traveled just a little bit higher, deserting her stomach, seeking to feel something more. Lexa knew that she should move, but she couldn't. She wanted that touch so much. She could feel every nerve ending in her body.

"Alex…" Costia struggled. Lexa could hear in her voice just how much she wanted this, wanted **her.**

But then Costia bolted out of bed and the incredible feeling was gone. Lexa looked up and saw her friend pacing across the room, face guilt ridden.

"I'm so sorry," Costia shook her head in self anger.

It wasn't Costia's fault at all, but Costia still felt like the responsible party.

 _Yes, falling asleep in her room is definitely a bad idea,_ Lexa concluded sadly as she got closer and closer to the room in question.

But then she heard giggles and halted. When she looked up she saw her best friend, holding some random girl's hand.

Costia was smiling, Lexa couldn't hear what the two were talking about but their body language was telling enough.

But then Costia looked down the hall and spotted Lexa and her smile vanished. The other girl didn't even notice.

Lexa turned around sharply and walked away, heartbroken.

She wasn't the only one with a broken heart, but there was something that Lexa didn't know – Costia was going to die. Costia knew she would never be okay with any other scenario. That's why as far as she was concerned being discovered as a **_Natblida_** was always going to turn into a death sentence. She was never going to let Lexa lose and she accepted that. But it meant that she chose to experience certain things before she died. Yet all of that didn't mean the shattered look on Lexa's face hurt any less or made her feel any less guilty.

"You coming?" the girl asked from inside her room.

Costia followed her in, knowing that the damage was already done.

* * *

Lexa walked outside the tower. It was late but no one disturbed her. The night elevator operator pretended as hard as he could to not be grumpy when she asked to be lowered down. She **was** his potential future **_Heda_** after all.

She walked by the market, all the booths were shut down for the night, the merchandise hidden or gone. She passed by the first Commander's temple and saw Titus walk out.

He always worked late, it seemed, always playing the role of the **_Fleimkepa._** He was a complicated man, but one thing was very clear – he was devoted. His duty was everything for him.

He didn't notice her and she was okay with that. She just wanted to be left alone. Except that looking at him to the side of the road meant that she didn't watch were she was going and she walked right into someone.

 ** _"Watch where you're going, girl,"_** the amused familiar voice teased.

 ** _"Indra,"_** Lexa acknowledged in relief. It was somehow less embarrassing when it was not a random stranger.

 ** _"Why are you out so late, Leksa? Don't you have a class early tomorrow?"_** Indra inquired. She wasn't blaming her, Lexa realized, she was worried.

 ** _"I just… I couldn't sleep, Indra. Went out for some fresh air,"_** Lexa explained unconvincingly.

 ** _"What is it? What happened?"_** Indra asked, now all mockery gone.

 ** _"It's nothing, Indra. I'm okay, really,"_** Lexa insisted. She didn't want to talk about it, heck, she was trying not to think about it. All she saw tonight was Costia holding some other girl's hand and it was enough to make her lose her mind.

 _It was what surely followed in that room after that hand holding that is making you feel like this,_ Lexa knew.

 ** _"We have to work on your lying face, Leksa. The Commander needs to know how to mask the truth sometimes,"_** Indra pointed out softly, making Lexa groan. Moments like these made her think that Titus was right, that all those feelings made everyone weak.

 ** _"Is it Kostia?"_** Indra asked cautiously, making Lexa's head snap in her direction.

 ** _"How did you…?"_**

 ** _"Leksa, you are brilliant, but so am I,"_** Indra smirked. **_"You hardly ever get this worked up, and I was teasing, you're almost always capable of concealing your thoughts. The only time you get this rattled is when it involves Kostia,"_** Indra concluded in kind understanding.

Lexa sighed miserably. **_"I don't know what to do. Maybe Titus was right."_**

 ** _"Don't do that,"_** Indra nearly ordered, **_"you are way too smart to think that things are black and white. And you are way too good to not deserve more,"_** Indra explained. **_"Love is hard in this world,"_** Indra smiled sadly, **_"but the real questions is - does Kostia make you feel weak?"_**

 ** _"She makes me feel strong,"_** Lexa admitted immediately. **_"It's this that makes me feel weak."_**

 ** _"What do you mean by this?"_**

 ** _"The not being with her,"_** Lexa took a breath, considering whether or not she wanted to say the rest. **_"The seeing her with someone else,"_** she confessed quietly.

 ** _"Is that what happened tonight?"_**

 ** _"Yes."_**

Indra sighed. She could honestly say that she has never been in **this** particular predicament. But she was Lexa's mentor and advisor and she wanted to help her young **_Natblida_** the best she could.

 ** _"Leksa, your situation is impossible,"_** she started, gaining a scoff from her conversation partner. **_"I'm sorry, but it's true. I don't want you to pretend this isn't going to end with a heartbreak, but isn't it better that you use whatever time you may have left to be together?"_** She asked sincerely. This was a question that only Lexa and Costia could answer. And their answers might not even match.

 ** _"I don't know, Indra. I truly don't know,"_** Lexa laughed bitterly. **_"I change my mind on that subject every single day. Meanwhile, she clearly finds other ways to distract herself,"_** Lexa spat, she suddenly realized that she was mad at Costia. That's a feeling she never wanted to feel.

* * *

An hour later she was lying in bed, sleep would not come. Her conversation with Indra ended with no new brilliant conclusion other than how shitty the situation was.

"Couldn't sleep either?" A voice by the window asked, making Lexa sit up in alarm.

" ** _Jok,_** Costia, I nearly died!"

Her friend gotten so good at climbing into her room, it was disturbing. But since Costia felt like she was being watched constantly while Lexa could do no wrong in the eyes of the **_Fleimkepa_** , Costia's route of choice into Lexa's room after hours was the window. Lexa should've gotten used to it by now, but she didn't.

"I'm sorry," Costia offered immediately.

"It's okay, I just… I was surprised."

"No, I mean…" Costia started and walked toward Lexa's bed but stopped halfway. "I should've followed you. Earlier," she swallowed hard.

"Oh, that, It doesn't matter," Lexa brushed off. In truth it **did** matter. It mattered a lot.

 _Why didn't you follow me?_ Lexa wondered.

"Nothing happened," Costia promised cautiously.

 _Except for some kissing,_ Costia couldn't help but think. _Does that count? If we aren't together, can't be together, then why does it feel like cheating?_

"It's none of my business," Lexa stated coldly but felt relief inside. Costia sighed and sat down on the far end of the bed. All she wanted to do was wrap her arms around her best friend and kiss her senseless, so distance was clearly the smart choice.

"It **is** your business," she countered and then paused, trying to consider whether to say the next sentence or not. "You're my second half. The last thing I wanted is to hurt you."

Costia was hoping she was being considerate, soothing, but it seemed like it only got Lexa all worked up.

"Costia, you keep saying you're my second half, you feel like my second half, then **be** my second half!" Lexa screamed in frustration. Then her eyes widened in shock. There it was, her heart's desire, spoken out loud. She may have changed her mind on whether pursuing these feelings was a good or a bad idea on a daily basis, but it was always what she wanted.

"What are you saying?" Costia asked, horrified.

"You know what I'm saying," Lexa spat. It was out there, she wasn't backing down.

"We can't do this!" Costia yelled, getting off the bed.

"Why can't we?" Lexa demanded, now on her feet, too. She wasn't going to let Costia get any further and she wasn't going to let Costia look away. Costia stared right into her eyes, shooting daggers at her. But then something in her best friend broke and she looked completely lost.

"What if you kill me?" she asked miserably. "Then you have to live with that. With the fact that you killed the person that you… the person you were with. And I'd live whatever time I have left knowing that **I** let it get that far, knowing that I made you do it."

"It'll feel bad all the same!" Lexa pointed out. "If it's going to hurt no matter what, shouldn't we use the time we have? It can be years before the next conclave!"

 _It won't be years_ _,_ Costia knew. She hated this. Again with the secrets, again with the lying. When Lexa found out about her it meant Costia's death, but it also meant she could finally be completely honest with her friend. Then new developments robbed her of that honesty, too.

"I know you won't be able to forgive yourself, Alex," Costia was pleading for her friend to understand.

"Neither would **you!"** Lexa pointed out.

 _It's not gonna be me,_ Costia thought.

"I'm sorry," Costia begged. "Just know that there is a big difference between what I do and what I wish for. " She offered. Talking about earlier in the night, talking about things Lexa didn't even know she was talking about. She turned around, feeling suffocated in the small room, ready to leave.

"So that's it? You're just going to climb out that window? Conversation's over? Do you not want this?" Lexa asked, devastated.

Costia turned around in anger

"I just told you what I do is not what I wish for!" She spat. "I'm not turning you down!"

"It sure feels that way," Lexa countered coldly. "But that's okay. Go, be with other people. I didn't expect you to wait forever," she tried to sound calm and collected but her voice was laced with so much pain. She turned around to look away. It became too much for her to bear.

"This isn't about waiting, Alex," Costia put a soft hand on Lexa's shoulder. "If I knew I had a life, I **would** be waiting forever if I had to. I'd choose you every single time."

Lexa turned around and locked eyes with her best friend.

Costia wanted so badly to tell her how in love with her she was, but she couldn't. She really believed it would make everything harder on both of them.

"I just want you to be happy," Costia continued softly. "If we end up dying I want you to go into that conclave knowing that you lived. That you experienced."

 _Is that what she's doing?_ Lexa wondered. _Trying to experience something because we're on borrowed time?_

It made Lexa feel a bit better, having Costia basically say that there were no feelings involved with what Costia was doing, that when it came to feelings Lexa was the only one for her.

 _Maybe she's right. Maybe I should take a page out of her book._

She nodded in understanding. Costia gave her one last sad smile and climbed back into the night.

Lexa stared at the now empty spot where Costia stood just a moment before.

 _Except, of course, that if I want to go into a conclave with no regrets, with the knowledge that I have lived, and loved and experienced, you are the person I wanted to do all of that with._

* * *

The sun rose over Ton DC, marking the beginning of a new day.

Nardo yawned as he walked outside to wash his face and get the day started.

Dara stopped by with Aden in her hands. She has been awake for hours, opening the bread shop long before sunrise like she did every day. Aden would always wake up early and join her at work and then later, Dara would quickly drop him off with Nardo if he was being too fussy to stay in the shop.

 ** _"Well look who's here,"_** Nardo cooed, patting his son's head. **_"Are you being too much for your mother to handle this morning?_** ** _"_**

 ** _"Yes!"_** Aden announced excitedly, not realizing that it was not a compliment. Dara rolled her eyes.

 ** _"We're getting a shipment today, Nardo, can you watch him?"_** Dara requested softly.

 ** _"Quality time with my boy? Of course!"_** Nardo declared enthusiastically.

Dara put Aden on the ground to run around as he pleases. She gave Nardo a kiss on the cheek and headed back to the shop.

Nardo yawned again, following Aden with his eyes. Aden was fascinated by the fire, he always was. He was watching their neighbors who were making breakfast on the little campfire they shared with a few other bungalows.

 ** _Not too close, Aden!"_** Nardo called after him.

He scanned his surroundings, thinking about today's chores. He had to cut some wood, and one or two people were supposed to stop by and pick woodwork they ordered from him.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice when Aden came closer until the boy yelled – **_"Daddy! Catch me!"_** but at this point Aden was already airborne, jumping into his father's arms. Nardo managed to grab him but he wasn't prepared for the surprise jump and Aden slipped from his arms.

 ** _"Aden!"_** he called in concern. **_"Are you okay?"_**

His son was on the ground, rubbing his leg, clearly bruised. He was wearing short pants and the ground had some rubble on it.

 ** _"Yeah, I'm fine,"_** Aden said in a tone that sounded weird to Nardo.

Then, Aden brought up the hand that he used to rub his wound and that's when Nardo saw it.

Black blood.

For a moment, Nardo just stood there, staring at Aden in shock. Then he realized his son was in need of some care. He crouched by Aden's side and picked him up to get him inside the bungalow.

He was going through the motions, doing what needed to be done first and foremost – clean Aden's wound.

 ** _"Daddy?"_** Aden tried. He knew enough to know what they've just found out, but he wasn't sure how he was expected to feel about it.

But his voice didn't even register as Nardo started shaking. He was heartbroken, he was trying so hard not to cry. All these words about honor, and pride, didn't mean much to him anymore. Not when he realized both his kids may die. Three kids, really. And what's worse, they might end up killing each other.

 _And what would Dara say?_

 ** _"Does that mean I get to go and live in Polis with Kostia and Leksa now?"_** Aden asked innocently. He didn't try to make things harder, but he was too young to understand the deeper meaning of what just transpired.

 ** _"Jok,"_** Nardo blurted without thinking. **_"Kostia is going to kill me."_** [3]

* * *

Notes:

1\. Spoiler – Costia knowin that it won't take years for the conclave to arrive - this is important because at this point it's been a few months and Costia is noticing the subtle decline in the Commander's health. Otherwise, there was a chance Lexa could've convinced her. Either way though, they both know that Commanders' life expectancy isn't too long.

2\. Like I mentioned before, these two hardly ever fight, but when they do, it's important and loaded. They both said things I needed them to say in the chapter.

3\. The last section is, of course, another big tie in to canon. Obviously, we know how it all ended up in canon, but these characters don't know their futures yet, so their fear of the consequences is much bigger.


	28. De Seken Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

Lexa and Costia were walking side by side toward the tower. Things have been tense between them in the last couple of days, but it wasn't the first time that their feelings, or rather the fact that pursuing those feelings would have devastating consequences, were discussed.

And like always, they insisted on not letting that get in the way of their friendship, even if it meant that they forced themselves to spend time together. The first few days were always hard, but then they got back to their easy communication and the joy of being in each other's presence, at least until the next time it became too much for one of them.

"So, woods tomorrow?" Costia asked cautiously.

"Like always," Lexa offered her a sweet smile. The weekend was just about to start, and the weekend meant Costia, the woods, the most challenging work out either of them got all week, and mostly, Lexa getting hit by a Bo a lot.

Lexa loved that Bo. She could tell Nardo made it with a lot of love and it was a weapon which first use was to deflect and disarm, not kill. It was perfect for her friend and even though Costia only got to take it out and play on the weekends, it became like another limb to her. She moved with it so smoothly and as much as Lexa tried to not think about how sexy it was, she couldn't.

She smiled at the visual in her head, she couldn't help it. But it meant that she was too distracted to notice the people waiting for them at the entrance to the tower.

 ** _"Dad! Dara!"_** Costia called excitedly and when Lexa looked to her side her friend was gone, walking quickly, almost running, to close the gap between herself and her family.

 ** _"Kostia!"_** Aden called happily, **_"Leksa!"_**

Lexa smiled widely, it was a very welcome sight.

 _But, wait, weren't they supposed to visit next week?_

She shook her head and joined the happy reunion, assuming that both she and Costia mixed up the dates.

 ** _"Hey baby brother!"_** Costia picked Aden up and threw him in the air, catching the giggling child a few seconds later.

 ** _"Hey little girl,"_** Nardo offered Costia a smile. Something was nagging at her. Nardo's smile was reserved and Dara wouldn't even look at her.

 ** _"A surprise visit, this must be important. Who died?"_** she joked, trying to break whatever tension that was in the air. But she got no reply. Nardo lowered his head and Dara was very evidently sniffling, trying to stop herself from crying.

Costia's smile disappeared right away as she understood exactly what happened. She voiced that fear before, years ago. Her father didn't understand it then as well as he did today, but somehow Costia let her guard down. She subconsciously assumed that if it hadn't happened until that point, it won't happen at all.

"No," she shook her head, refusing to accept the truth. " **No.** "

 ** _"Kostia…"_** Nardo tried but she was too mad, too sad. She couldn't talk, she had to get out of there, she turned around and started running the same way Lexa and herself came from just moments before.

Lexa thought she realized what happened, but she wasn't sure. She looked up at Nardo who nodded in confirmation. Her heart sank.

She didn't even have time to think about what it all meant before she heard Nardo say – **_"I better go after her."_**

 ** _"No,"_** Lexa stopped him with a soft hand on the arm. **_"No, let me. You guys go settle in. You probably had an exhausting day."_**

Nardo looked at her hesitantly. He wasn't sure what was the right thing to do.

 ** _"You don't know where she went,"_** Lexa pointed out, **_"I do."_**

 ** _"Okay,"_** he caved. **_"She'd probably prefer seeing you anyway,"_** he shrugged.

 ** _"I'm really, truly sorry,"_** Lexa offered miserably, it was hard on her, too. Things were rough to begin with but they've just gotten much, much worse.

 ** _"Just…"_** Nardo sighed, **_"just make sure she's okay."_**

 ** _"I will,"_** Lexa promised and was about to turn.

 ** _"Why is Kostia upset, Daddy? Is she not happy? Everyone back home was excited!"_** Aden innocently reminded.

 _Of course they were,_ Lexa thought bitterly. _Three Nightbloods from the same village? That's years of good fortune._

Lexa bent in front of Aden and took his tiny hands in hers. **_"Your sister is very proud of you,"_** she promised, **_"she's just not feeling very well, but she'll see you tomorrow, and she'll be good as new!"_** Lexa assured excitedly.

 ** _"Are you sure?"_** Aden asked adorably, concern for his sister evident on his face.

 ** _"I am,"_** Lexa vowed. She knew her best friend better than anyone. Costia will **make** herself be okay. She'll show Aden what he needed to see. **_"But I need to go and find her first, okay?"_**

 ** _"Okay,"_** Aden agreed joyfully, glad that he'll get to see his sister all well in the following morning.

Lexa got up, nodded at both adults, and turned away to find Costia. Only when she was sure they couldn't see her, did the tears come.

* * *

She found her exactly where she thought she would - sitting on a tree branch in the woods outside of Poils. The same tree branch they sat on while waiting on a mama bear to get bored with them. This was where they practiced every weekend.

Costia was looking up at the stars, seeming motionless, even when Lexa joined her and sat by her side.

"You are not crying," Lexa observed in concern.

Costia laughed bitterly. "I don't think my body remembers how. It has done enough of that for a lifetime," Costia pointed out.

"I remember that night you told me Dara was pregnant. That's what made you so sad, isn't it? That both of you might turn out to be Nightbloods?" Lexa recalled a memory from long ago. Every now and then a missing puzzle piece fell into place now that she knew about Costia. It shed a different light on things.

"Yeah," Costia confirmed brokenly. "And he wasn't even born then. Now he's actually someone I would die for, someone I love so much," Costia swallowed hard.

"I feel the same way, Cos." It was the truth. Aden was like her own brother. She laced her fingers with Costia's and continued cautiously. "I'm sorry, and I know you don't feel this way, but it **is** an honor."

Costia scoffed and shook her head in denial. But she loved her friend enough to not say anything. She knew Lexa was broken over this, too. Neither would feel any better by going toe to toe about tradition and beliefs and unnecessary death.

"I just hope the Commander dies before Aden turns nine," she voiced her thoughts without thinking.

"Costia!" Lexa was horrified. This kind of talk was like treason.

"What?" Costia barked. She didn't even mean to say it out loud but it was out there and she wasn't going to take it back. "Is it not enough that I'm forced to be in a battle to the death with the person who's my entire world? I should also be in a battle to the death with my little brother?" Costia sneered.

Lexa only saw her like that once before. The day they realized that at some point one of them would probably remain standing while the other one would bite the dust for good. The day that they'd kissed.

Lexa's heart ached for her friend but she didn't know how to make this better. There was no way to make this better. Costia wasn't waiting for a reaction, though. She kept going. She already said the worst. The rest was easy.

"He's sick anyway, so I guess I got what I wanted," she added sarcastically. She hated feeling that way. Waldron was always kind to her, and more importantly, Costia knew Lexa was his pick to be the next in line. That alone was enough for her to appreciate him. He never looked at her the way Titus did.

"What do you mean?" Lexa asked in fear. Costia never said something without knowing what she was talking about. If Costia was right, their doomsday was coming. She thought they had more time, she was wrong.

"He's not well, Lex. I don't know how long he has left, but not too long," Costia shared flatly. She didn't know how to feel about this. A part of her just wanted it all to be over. Every day she struggled to keep herself from being with Lexa, everyday she knew it might be the last. And now with Aden? She was tired. So tired.

"How do you know?" Lexa inquired curiously, thinking similar thoughts to Costia's. She was tired, too, but she wasn't ready to say goodbye.

"Could we talk about this tomorrow?" Costia pleaded. "I'm completely spent."

Lexa nodded softly. "Let's get you home."

"Alex?" Costia started gently and Lexa saw in her eyes that she was hesitating.

"Yeah?"

"I have something selfish to ask of you," Costia informed guiltily.

"Anything," Lexa said immediately, allowing Cosia to voice her request.

But she already knew. They were about to break their unspoken rule. Lexa wasn't a fan of breaking rules, but she knew that sometimes it was the right thing to do. She learned over the years that this flexibility was essential on occasion, and for Costia, for **this** , she'd break that rule.

* * *

Costia stood barefoot on the novitiates' floor's balcony, watching over the city and letting the cold air wash over her face, chill her body in a way that she felt like she needed tonight. She told herself that when the chill got too cold to bear, she'd head back to her room, her bed, where a beautiful girl was sound asleep.

She already regretted asking Lexa to come and hold her. They didn't cross any lines, or any additional lines. Her best friend was too respectful for that. Lexa settled down behind her and wrapped her arm around Costia's hip, just like when they were kids. And then she leaned in and kissed Costia's neck tenderly, unlike when they were kids. One long, lingering kiss. The kind which said "I won't be doing more than this. But I wanted to give this to you. I wanted to give this to the both of us."

Costia's body was on fire. But she was so sad, and exhausted, and Lexa was so perfect and considerate, not to mention sad as well, that they both drifted to sleep rather quickly.

Costia haven't slept this well in a long time. She knew on the night that she left Lexa's room when all their **_Natblida_** fiasco happened, that she was doomed for a future full or erratic sleep.

Tonight was better, until her subconscious caught up with her and she woke up. Lexa was dead to the world and Costia had to smile. She brushed a lock of hair away from Lexa's face, and leaned in to kiss Lexa's forehead. She was glad Lexa seemed to sleep soundly and that the comfort Lexa gave her seemed to have been mutual.

But then she had to rip herself away from there so she could think. She knew every time they got a little bit closer physically, was a time that would hurt them in the long run.

So there she was, standing on the balcony, feeling confused and guilty. She knew that coming tomorrow she'll have to put on a show for Aden's sake, so tonight was all she had.

 ** _"I had a feeling you won't be getting much sleep tonight,"_** a deep voice said as the Commander stepped on the balcony next to her.

 ** _"Out on a little night stroll, Heda?"_**

She never had a one on one conversation with him before. Both didn't know what to expect. The only thing they knew they could expect from the other was to be surprised.

He smiled at her remark.

 ** _"Your brother is a Natblida,"_** he stated matter-of-factly.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she confirmed dryly.

 ** _"Four and a half years old, that's a relatively old age to be discovered,"_** he observed, tone still neutral.

 ** _"What can I say,"_** Costia turned to look at him, **_"I guess we're a family of late bloomers."_**

He laughed lightly. Not only was that the understatement of a century, he finally got to see firsthand that big mouth Titus always mentioned. In his own class Costia usually sat quietly, answering only if he picked her specifically. Mostly, she was observing, always observing and registering. He had no idea what was the depth of the details she actually noticed.

 ** _"I understand why there's a part of you that wishes me dead,"_** he said directly to her, taking advantage of the fact that she was still looking at him instead of ahead. He caught her off guard. She seemed shocked for a moment but collected herself rather quickly.

 ** _"I'm sorry,"_** she offered sincerely. She wasn't going to lie or deny. Today was another lousy day that allowed her, at least, to once more stop keeping secrets.

 ** _"I also understand why you lied all these years,"_** he added.

She smiled bittersweetly and turned to look ahead again. She knew she wasn't in trouble. The way he said it made it very clear that he always known. Just like Titus. But he was different than Titus.

 ** _"I pretended a lot of things over the years, but I never pretended to be a good person,"_** she seemed genuinely sad. Not regretful about her choices, but regretful about being in the circumstances she was in to begin with.

 ** _"Is that what you think?"_** he inquired softly. **_"That you're bad?"_**

 ** _"Well, what else would you call someone who hid such important things from their loved ones for years?"_** she shrugged, trying to downplay just how much years of hiding her true self actually hurt.

 ** _"Good and bad aren't black and white, Kostia. Everything you've done stemmed from loyalty. Even if it didn't start that way when you were younger."_** She looked at him again, this time not masking her surprise. Not only was he on point about the evolution of her motives, but she always lived in the grey area, and here he was telling her that the grey was okay.

 ** _"Why aren't you more upset about this?"_** she interrogated curiously.

 ** _"You have a part to play,"_** he answered simply. **_"We all do. I might not know what it is, but I know you are still hiding. Maybe one day you'd stop."_**

 ** _"Leksa is going to be the next commander,"_** Costia declared, it was almost like an order and Waldron had to laugh on the inside at this tiny fourteen-year-old who was standing in front of him and trying to manage the situation.

 ** _"That's probably true,"_** he confirmed, **_"but it doesn't mean the Flame doesn't have a plan for you, too. Death is not the end."_**

She looked away, not sure that she liked the direction the conversation had just taken. Waldron was clearly building up to something.

 ** _"You know that I am sick,"_** He provided a fact rather than asked.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she replied honestly.

 ** _"You've seen this before."_**

 ** _"My mother,"_** she shared. **_"Your symptoms remind me of hers._** ** _Fatigue, I've seen you during meal time when you join us, you hardly touch your food, you lost weight. It might not be exactly what she had, but it's something."_**

He nodded.

 _She does notice the tiny details, then. She knows to look for them._

 ** _"Is there anything I can do to stop this?"_** he inquired, trying not to sound hopeful. Maybe, of all people, it was the Mountain Girl who'd have the answer for him.

 ** _"Not here. I don't think,"_** she admitted sadly. **_"I'm truly sorry. I really am,"_** she added genuinely and he knew she meant it.

 ** _"So am I, Kostia. About what's to come. I'm glad your brother won't be a part of it. Not yet, anyway."_**

 ** _"I told Lexa earlier today about your sickness. I apologize, Heda,"_** she confessed. ** _"It wasn't my place. I wasn't thinking."_**

 ** _"It's okay, Kostia. Everyone makes mistakes. Even Commanders,"_** he smiled sadly. **_"It's better this way. If you only have one person you feel like you can be completely honest with, then I forgive you telling this person,"_** he concluded and turned around to leave.

 ** _"She admires you, you know_** ," she stopped him. **_"And I don't understand why many of the things in our world are the way they are, but the way she sees you? I always understood that."_**

He gave her one last smile over his shoulder and left her on her own, to wait until the chill became unbearable. [9]

* * *

Notes:

1\. When Costia sees her family and realization hits and she says "no" twice, it's a regular emphasis and not **_Trigedasleng._** As always, when Costia gets emotional she naturally turns to English.

2\. Remember the mama bear in chapter 18?

3\. Looking back at the day Nardo told Costia Dara was pregnant – her reaction back then (that really puzzled him as he assumed she'd be overjoyed to have a sibling) was fueled by her knowledge that there was already one Nightblood in the family. It's like that many people with a genetic condition don't always want to have kids out of fear of passing on that gene. So for this to happen with Aden is one of Costia's worst nightmares coming true. It's a sort of "I knew this would happen" moment.

4\. Costia's words about Waldron being sick - that's her only comfort. Aden is still young. Costia realizes that Waldron would never last for the 4.5 years it would take for Aden to become a novitiate.

5\. Lexa holding Costia and kissing the back of her neck - we actually know Lexa wanted to do his forever. It's mentioned in chapter 16. Somehow, the day of tragic news was the day in which she couldn't help but finally do it. We get this last part of the chapter from Costia's perspective, but if you have chapter 16 in mind, you know just how much of a big deal this moment was for Lexa. It's just happening in off-screen-ville.

\- Waldron saying that maybe one day Costia will stop hiding – not until volume 2, once she's all out of secrets, but she will. And he's foreshadowing it.

7\. Spoiler – Waldron saying that death is not the end - I really do love that saying, because the point is that it was true many times throughout the story but probably not in the way anyone meant. Costia's death, too, wasn't the end, because there's a whole chapter of her life that happened after her "death."

8\. Back in chapter 5 Costia and Lexa discuss Costia's interest in medicine and it being rooted in her will to understand her mother's illness better "in case it happens to someone else I care about." Imagine how many Grounders probably had a disease like cancer without even knowing.

9\. I really like that this exchange between Costia and Waldron because in their own way they are allies, and they understand each other.


	29. De Seken Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

 _Six Months Later…_

Lexa's been noticing Costia hanging out with random girls more and more often. She was wondering if it was always like that and she simply didn't notice because Costia, out of respect, tried to hide it, or that Costia indeed spent more time with girls because she knew the conclave was coming sooner rather than later.

Ever since Costia told her about Waldron's sickness Lexa started to see the signs, too. He was getting worse. She was wondering how long before the rest of their class would realize what was happening.

Costia seemed more carefree these days. As if losing all hope, accepting whatever it was that she accepted, made her worry less. Lexa liked seeing her like that, but the cause of that joy made her sad.

She was also jealous, no doubt about it. Seeing Costia giggling with other girls, spotting Costia holding hands with some stranger in a dark alley, none were things Lexa cared for very much.

Tonight was new, though. Her friend climbed into her room in the middle of the night, drunk.

"Alex!" she swayed cheerfully. Lexa wasn't caught off guard this time because Costia made so much noise climbing up that she possibly woke up the entire tower.

"Cos, are you drunk?" Lexa demanded in utter shock.

"Just a teeny tiny bit," Costia used her fingers to mark "a little."

"Sit down," Lexa ordered and sat her friend on the bed. "You climbed drunk, you moron, you could've died!"

"Pffft… I'd be dead soon anyway," Costia brushed off with a chuckle.

Lexa looked at her in concern.

"Why did you get drunk, Cos?"

"Because, Alexandra," Costia started and bopped her friend's nose with her finger, "it hurts less like this!"

Lexa couldn't judge. But she devilishly thought that she could take advantage of Costia's situation because she figured that maybe Costia wouldn't remember a thing the following day. Maybe it was Lexa's chance to know a bit more about her friend's adventures when they weren't together.

She knew Costia was getting her fair share of lady attention. Guys, too, but guys were not her cup of tea. The mountain born **_Natblida_** didn't find it hard to find company for the night. Some saw her as this exotic creature. Lexa didn't. For Lexa she was just Costia.

Costia herself never came to Lexa to discuss her conquests or show off, but Lexa knew through rumors. While she was busy working as hard as she could to become the best novitiate she could possibly be, Costia, who didn't care about her potential title at all, lived life to its fullest, or at least so it seemed.

Lexa tried not to think about it, and it's not like she didn't experience a similar kind of attention. She did. She just didn't act on it as often as her friend seemed to have, and she, too, didn't share the details.

 _It'll be over soon either way._

She was either going to die in the conclave one day soon, or ascend to be the Commander, and the Commander was meant to be alone. And even if he wasn't, in her case it was very clear that under the circumstance she **will** be alone.

 _Was Titus actually right? Is love actually a weakness?_ she wondered more and more often. He was making a point of saying it as much as possible as of late. He knew what was coming, he was trying to hint to all the novitiates it was time to start saying their goodbyes, thicken their skins. Every time he said the words Lexa would look at Costia who would roll her eyes at him. Costia never believed in any of this, she never wanted any of this.

 _I shouldn't have brought her to Polis_ , she thought once during class, _it was selfish of me._

But then, like the mind reader that her friend was, Costia locked eyes with her and shook her head as if to say "don't go there. This is not on you."

A person who could read her mind like that, have an entire silent conversation with her like that, didn't feel like a weakness at all. It felt like a strength, like a weapon. And it could've been just that. They could've been unstoppable together if not both of them ended up in the **_Natblida_** pool.

Lexa looked at her drunkenly calm friend. Costia's eyes were droopy. Lexa wanted to ask her so many questions. She knew it was masochistic, but she wanted to know just how far exactly did Costia go with those other girls.

She was upset before she even started her interrogation, but she reminded herself that she wasn't innocent either. She listened to what Costia told her months before, that she wanted her to live, to experience. So Lexa did. She found a random girl on occasion. She never did much more than kissing and some body exploration without removing any clothes. It **did** give her a momentary relief. Especially after spending a whole day around Costia. It was much easier to enjoy herself with another girl once she pretended it was Costia.

But it felt so bad afterwards that it made it very clear to her that there's a line that she wasn't willing to cross, emotionally. That there were things that she was okay with never having if it meant not having them with Costia.

 _There's a difference between what I do and what I wish for_ , she thought, echoing Costia's words from a few months prior.

"Maybe I should get drunk, too," Lexa blurted, making Costia snicker.

"You?" she inquired in disbelief.

"Yeah, why? You can do it but I can't?" Lexa challenged with a smirk.

"I don't even know if **I** can do it," Costia snorted, "this is the first time, how am I handling it so far?"

She got up to stand on the bed and started jumping. Lexa wanted to roll her eyes at the entire ordeal but she couldn't. Drunk Costia was kind of adorable.

"I think it could've been worse," Lexa smiled widely and got up to hold Costia's hands and jump with her.

She didn't forget her secret mission, but she knew they didn't have many moments like this one left.

"How did you even get drunk?" Lexa probed curiously. She had a feeling no **_Natblida_** has ever done that before as a novitiate, but maybe she was just being naive. Then again, Costia was pretty much the only student who didn't actually bother with studying.

"Some girl got it for me," Costia shrugged and landed on her butt, staying down. "I don't remember her name," she bit her lip, locking eyes with Lexa, telling her, even through her drunk haze that the girl wasn't important.

"Did you two…" Lexa inquired cautiously and sat down as well.

"Nope!" Costia announced and scratched her nose.

"Why not?"

Costia shrugged. "I dunno, she wanted to go back to my room and Ayyyyyy…. Wanted to come here!" she declared, poking Lexa's forehead.

It was all extremely silly but Lexa couldn't be mad at any of it.

"Did you miss me that much?" Lexa teased.

"I always miss you when I'm not with you," Costia noted through a yawn. "I don't know how being drunk works, Alex. I think I might be going to sleep now."

"Are you serious?" Lexa was dumbfounded. "You were just jumping on the bed a second ago!"

"I told you, Alex, I have no idea how this works! Wooo," Costia rolled herself to the side and off the bed, landing in a loud thump.

"Costia! Are you okay?" But her friend was laughing hysterically on the floor. Lexa poked her head over the edge of the bed to make sure her friend was intact and when Costia was just lying there, smiling up at her, Lexa had to smile right back. She put her chin on her crossed arms and kept looking at Costia.

"So you think you're going to do this again? You know, the getting drunk thing?" Lexa questioned curiously.

"Why, you want in after all?" Costia raised an eyebrow. Lexa's only reply was another smile. This was all very ridiculous. "Ask me again tomorrow," Costia burped. "This feels really nice but I have a feeling I'm not making the best judgment calls?"

"Why do you say that?" Lexa questioned hesitantly.

"Because I ended up here, and every time I end up here something bad happens!" she stated the obvious.

"Coming to see me makes you feel bad?" Lexa inquired sadly.

"Pffftt…Not because of you, Alex," Costia brushed off. "Because I can't stop thinking about touching you and kissing you and that is baaaaad," Costia twisted her face but started giggling right after.

Lexa really didn't know if that honesty was a good thing or a bad thing but it was her own fault for asking.

"And then I have to go and find someone else to kiss and touch," Costia continued, completely oblivious.

 _Bad honesty, definitely bad honesty,_ Lexa thought.

"And then I have to pretend like it's you otherwise I'll start crying," Costia pouted.

 _Maybe not that bad._

"And then I **do** start crying."

 _Okay, bad._

"So it's all just one big bad," Costia concluded with another hiccup.

"Yes," Lexa agreed sadly. "I guess it **is** all just one big bad."

"But at least you get to be **_Heda_** after all of this. It'll be worth it. I bet you'd look really sexy in your armor."

Lexa blushed.

"Tooooo bad I won't be around to see it. And take it off," Costia drifted away, presumably imagining taking off Lexa's Commander armor.

Lexa swallowed hard. Costia never talked so openly about her attraction to Lexa.

 _I need to get her out of here right now._

She scanned Costia's face. Costia was lost in her own world and Lexa could stare at her without feeling embarrassed. Costia's expression was full of lust and seeing her that way made Lexa's own lust fuel.

 _Bad. Very very bad._

Then, Costia looked at her, remembering Lexa was there. "You are so beautiful, Alexandra. You are the most beautiful person in the world," she stared at her tenderly, in awe. Lexa saw it then, the love. Costia was in love with her. It's not like Lexa didn't suspect, after all, **she** was in love with Costia. But her friend never said the words, and was always masking something, trying to hide the depth of her feelings. Costia was also the one who insisted on not letting anything real happen between them. Yet here she was, drunk, all pretence gone, looking at Lexa, completely in love.

 _Dammit, Costia!_ Lexa thought. Her friend was making kicking her out much more difficult. She wanted to take anything Costia would be willing to offer but she knew it wasn't right.

She also realized how sincerely Costia was speaking tonight. They've done that for years, spoken to each other with utter directness and honesty. And then they'd lost it to circumstances. They were still honest, just not fully. And Lexa knew at that moment what their lives could've looked like if they weren't meant to fight each other to the death.

They would be this direct and honest **all** the time. They would come back to their room, a **shared** room, probably the Commander's quarters. They would discuss their days, Lexa would confide in Costia, Costia would listen and advise, and check her out shamelessly, and tell her she was the most beautiful person in the world, not because she was drunk, but because the comment won't be loaded, won't be a part of dire circumstances. And then Lexa would talk some more, complain about one of the clans, and Costia would pretend to be listening but instead she would lean in and start kissing Lexa's neck. And Lexa would try to keep talking, and Costia would hum into her neck which will shoot a shiver down Lexa's spine.

Then Lexa would say "Cos…" hoarsely and Costia would ignore her and keep going, around her neck, next to her collar bone, until she'd look back up, deep into Lexa's eyes, tell her that she loved her and capture her lips. And then… then came the best part. And that would be every day for as long as they were both alive.

A soft sound of snores brought her out of her night-time-day-dreaming. She realized she was still looking down at Costia from the edge of the bed, and her friend was fast asleep. Lexa smiled at the vision. A lingering feeling of her what-if fantasy pulling at her heart strings. It felt so good and at the same time so bad, all that what might have been.

She sighed, got off the bed and picked up her blanket. She lay down on the floor next to Costia and covered them both, maintaining a gap between them. Looking at her friend next to her, she was wondering what would happen if she really did become the Commander and Costia died. She knew Costia had a better chance at the arena but at the same time, on the day that it mattered the most, it wasn't about skill at all. It was about the overall. Who would the spirit of the Commander pick. Lexa believed it with her whole heart. Costia was working so hard to not get picked while Lexa did the exact opposite. And if Costia did die, would Lexa ever be able to forgive herself for not convincing Costia to use the time they had to be together?

She swallowed hard, scanning her favorite face in the world. She leaned in to kiss Costia's lips. It was short, and soft, and Costia's lips were sweet. Lexa knew Costia wouldn't be mad, not about this specific thing, and it wasn't because Costia wouldn't be able to remember it. Lexa would never betray her trust like that. Lexa knew Costia wouldn't be mad at her for doing something **knowing** Costia wouldn't remember it.

This was Lexa's cross to bear, Costia was spared from it, but, if Costia did end up dying, Lexa wanted to remember at least one vivid kiss, without the drama of some life altering discovery shadowing it.

She wanted to remember at least one time in which they were warm, and cozy, and completely in love.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "There's a difference between what I and and what I wish for." - Costia said that on Chapter 26.

haven't seen a drunk Grounder on the show but I refuse to believe they don't have ale. We did see them drink when Gustus tried to frame the sky people for poisoning Lexa. Anyway, I can totally see Costia walking down some sketchy alley and getting a drink at some fishy joint.

3\. "I always miss you when I'm not with you" - I believe this is the first out of a series of times in which they say something like that to one another.

4\. I want to address Lexa's faith at this point. She really does believe in the spirit of the Commander, which we know is still the case later in canon. Maybe she would've grown into a sort of an atheist eventually which is what we see in Costia here, which is what we see in Luna in canon, but Lexa isn't there yet. Sadly, she's not exactly alive in present day, either, but I think that being around Costia and later around Clarke long enough, would've forced her to question things. **Especially** after she died and got into the Flame and she knows now what's what like we saw in the City of Light when all of a sudden she says things like "Firewall." But at this point in time in our story she really does think that even though Costia is the better warrior, it doesn't necessarily mean Costia would beat her come conclave day.


	30. De Seken Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

 _Six Months Later…_

They were paired up and training, Titus was watching them from his usual spot.

Gustus, the **_Fosgona_** , showed up suddenly, seeking Titus. Lexa noticed him immediately.

 _Why is the Commander's first warrior here and not by the Commander's side?_

They've noticed a few days ago that the Commander wasn't seen as often as usual. Even in his busiest days they will get glimpses of him, but not in the past week.

Costia assumed he was lying in bed somewhere, taking his last breaths, and now, when Gustus appeared, both she and Lexa feared the worst as they locked eyes with one another.

 ** _"Natblida,"_** Titus clapped his hands, **" _keep training, Gustus is here if you need him."_**

And then Titus left, and Lexa knew. Based on the look on her best friend's face, Costia knew, too. It happened. Or was about to.

* * *

She stood above Waldron's covered body with the red powder in her hand, expected to say the words. Titus was watching her like a hawk.

 _Does he even take a moment to be sad?_ Costia wondered. _We just lost a great man. This isn't just about duty. This can't be just about moving on to the next person._

Or at least that's not how **she** thought it should be.

 _We should be able to stop and mourn our dead better than this._

But they were Nightbloods, and Waldron had to pass on the torch.

 ** _"Kostia,"_** Titus urged. She looked up at him and realized that she zoned out.

She swallowed hard and tried to say the words.

She nearly didn't. Worse. She nearly said "may the spirit of the Commander choose Lexa." How could she say any of this when she didn't believe in it at all?

She heard Titus clear his throat, letting his very clear irritation be known, and she finally spread the powder on the sheet covering the body and did as she was expected.

 ** _"Hofil kom keryon Heda na sad ai op."_**

She turned around, tears in her eyes, and saw Lexa was giving her a sympathetic smile as she took her turn on the podium, taking the powder with no hesitation and speaking the words, loudly, clearly, proudly.

* * *

They walked outside of the throne room, they were told to go and get prepared for the conclave. It meant something different for each one of them, but there were some things they were all expected to do. Mostly, say their goodbyes.

Lexa and Costia walked through the entrance side by side. Costia's head was lowered while Lexa was scanning her profile in concern.

 ** _"Kostia!"_** a familiar voice called, making her head shoot up.

 ** _"Link?"_** she smiled widely. She hasn't seen him since he left two years prior, haven't heard from him either. But now she ran into his arms and the boy who was now a man picked her up easily enough and hugged her tightly.

Lexa smiled softly. It was nice to see there was something that made Costia forget, even if only for a little bit, about their current reality.

 ** _"Leksa,"_** Lincoln nodded politely.

 ** _"Hello, Linkoln,"_** she replied in the same kind manner. "Cos, I'm going to go. I'll come by your room in a little while?"

"Okay," Costia confirmed. Lexa squeezed her arm affectionately and disappeared down the hallway.

 ** _"What are you doing here? Where the hell have you been! I have so many questions!"_** Costia attacked him excitedly, making him chuckle.

 ** _"I've been everywhere,_** **_and I'm here to see you,"_** he admitted.

 ** _"I'm glad you came."_**

 ** _"Me, too."_**

They stared at each other happily for a moment before Lincoln's expression darkened.

 ** _"Nyko is here as well, and Anya,"_** he added and Costia nodded in understanding. Everyone was there to say goodbye. At least one of their village's **_Natblidas_** was going to die today, if not both.

 _It's not going to be both,_ Costia thought determinately, _I won't let it._

 ** _"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I heard when you were discovered. I didn't know what to say,"_** he admitted guiltily. **_"But when I heard the Commander died, when I knew the conclave was coming…"_**

 ** _"It's okay, Link, really,"_** Costia assured him. **_"I'm glad you took the time to take care of yourself. You needed it."_**

 ** _"This is what you were talking about, isn't it?"_** Lincoln inquired gently. " ** _When you told me three years ago that there was something else in your and Lexa's way, and that you won't let it keep you apart?"_**

 ** _"Yes,"_** Costia confirmed. It seemed so long ago since they sat on that tree branch and she voiced her feelings for Lexa out loud for the first time. ** _"And then I wasn't cautious enough and I let it keep us apart,"_** she laughed bitterly.

 ** _"I'm sorry,"_** he offered sincerely, squeezing her shoulder.

 ** _"So am I."_**

* * *

"Here, let me," Costia requested gently and took the paint box out of Lexa's hands. She circled her finger in the container, making sure she had a decent amount of material on her finger tip. She turned to Lexa's face and started drawing the traditional war circles around Lexa's eyes. She was trying to be as meticulous as she could. Not only did this moment actually meant a lot to Lexa, but Costia knew it was probably the last time she was going to get to touch her friend, be in such close proximity with her. That was their goodbye.

"I'm not much of an artist but I think this looks decent," Costia joked a few moments later.

Lexa swallowed hard. The day was already emotional enough, and now Costia was standing that close to her. But she wanted those last moments just as much as Costia did.

"Now let me do yours," Lexa said and took the container from Costia's hands.

"I actually wasn't planning on wearing it," Costia shrugged. If she had to go out, she at least wanted to go out being loyal to herself. That war paint meant nothing to her.

"Costia, you have to!" Lexa argued.

Apparently, Lexa's peace of mind meant more to Costia than staying loyal to herself. She nodded in quiet agreement and let Lexa color her face. They were both completely silent.

Lexa examined her friend's beautiful face.

Lately, when they sparred the odds were about 70-30 in Costia's favor.

 _Maybe today would be one of my lucky days,_ Lexa thought then realized what she was just thinking.

 _What am I saying? We are cursed no matter what._

"All done," Lexa said, wiping some left over powder from Costia's cheek, letting her thumb linger a while longer which turned into her cupping Costia's cheek.

Costia took a step back, letting Lexa's hand fall, and turned around to grab her Bo which was standing next to her little nightstand.

Lexa came by her side and put a hand on Costia's wrist to stop her. She picked up a sword and handed it to Costia.

"Today is a sword day, Costia."

She wanted her friend on the offense, not defense, even if it meant her own life.

Costia picked the sword without arguing. They stood in front of each other, not sure what to say. They both knew this was it.

 _At least one of us is about to die today,_ Costia thought, _and I never told her…_

 ** _"Good luck,"_** Costia whispered in **_Trigedasleng_**. Lexa saw she wanted to say more, she wondered if it was the same thing she herself wanted to say. But after a few additional moments went by with no words, Lexa took a breath and turned away to leave. She only managed to take a few steps before Costia stopped her.

"Alex…"

Lexa turned around and looked at her friend, at her so much more than a friend. Whatever Costia was about to say, she changed her mind. Instead she just gave Lexa a sad smile, a smile that was returned before Lexa turned again, walking, thinking that she'd consider herself lucky if someone else killed the person who was her entire world before she had to.

* * *

 ** _"Father, get them out of here, I beg you,"_** Costia pleaded. She didn't want Dara and Aden to be present for what was coming.

He was torn. His family waned to be present, to see Costia fight. They knew her well enough to be certain that she would win. But they didn't understand her well enough to realize what Nardo realized. Being present at the conclave was also what tradition required, but could he really refuse what could possibly be his daughter's last wish? And if Lexa died instead of Costia did he want Aden and Dara to be present for **that**?

 ** _"I don't want them to see this,"_** Costia pushed on and he surrendered.

 ** _"I will, I promise."_**

 ** _"Thank you,"_** she sighed in relief. Her body was shuddering as he took her in for a tight embrace. She couldn't let herself actually break down, not in front of all these people, not even if holding it all in was excruciating.

They broke the embrace. Costia took a deep breath and looked up at her father's eyes.

 ** _"Goodbye,"_** she said to him, lonely tear sliding down her cheek. He wasn't surprised. He suspected for a while how Costia felt about the conclave and it was her choice, if **she** was to be believed, or it was the Commander spirit's choice, if **faith** was to be believed. Either way, he felt something was about to end today.

 ** _"I love you, little girl,"_** he told her softly, wanting her to face her fate with these final words accompanying her.

 ** _"I love you, too. Tell Dara and Aden that I'm sorry,"_** and then she turned around and walked away from him toward the arena before she would change her mind, before she'd say more.

Nardo looked to his side and spotted Lexa who was very clearly staring at the father-daughter goodbye. He nodded at her sadly, and she returned the favor.

They never made her feel like anything less than a part of their family. But now she was either going to have to kill his daughter, or die herself, and she couldn't bring herself to walk to him, and he couldn't bring himself to walk to her.

 ** _"None of it is your fault,"_** a voice was heard and Lexa looked up to find Indra. Always present, always there with a strict, yet comforting word.

Lexa didn't know if she believed her but it didn't matter anymore. Whatever was destined to happen was about to happen.

 ** _"Go, Leksa, do your duty,"_** Indra encouraged. Lexa followed suit and turned away, walking toward the arena as well.

Indra was left behind, watching over her mentee, hoping these weren't the last words that she'd ever spoken to her, and broken over the fact that one way or another, the Lexa who entered this conclave wouldn't be the same Lexa that would come out of it.

* * *

Costia was scanning the faces around her. They were about to begin. She spent the night before trying to think what the best strategy would be for her doomsday.

She considered just letting herself die with the first, average stroke of sword that came her way. She hated the thought of killing, most of all. She hated knowing she was the reason someone's life just ended. If she got herself killed quickly she could leave this world with no blood on her hands. But she knew, she always knew in a way, that she'll have to stick around until the end, make sure no one got to Lexa.

Just by looking at their faces she could already tell they were going to gang up on her best friend. At least some of them. They were eying Lexa while Lexa's head was raised to the skies, eyes shut in concentration, almost as if she was meditating, or praying.

 _But praying for what?_ Costia wondered, for a change not sure what was going through her friend's mind.

Costia knew she had an advantage. None of them had the slightest clue of what she was really capable of. She was going to be the surprise, at least for those in the arena. The audience's attention would be everywhere at once. She was wondering for a moment if keeping herself as a wild card all these years until the conclave counted as cheating.

 _Maybe,_ she thought, _but so is ganging up on someone._

Lexa was the most promising one. They figured if she was out of the way, each of their own chances increased.

 _No. I'm gonna have to make sure._

She looked at the audience. The arena was packed. The Commander had to be chosen in front of the people. They had to witness his or her rise.

Costia spotted Anya, Indra, Nyko and Lincoln all seated together. Her father was separated from them, needing some space, she assumed. She saw he was alone.

 _Good._ _He sent them away._

She thought about looking at her best friend again, but she felt like it would only make things harder. Instead, she took a deep breath and looked up, thinking this was the last time she's going to see the sky. At least it was a clear day.

 _This is what you're best at, Costia, like it or not. Let go, make sure you do what you need to do._

 ** _"Natblida!"_** Titus called from his podium. **_"It is time. You are all worthy of your blood but only one can ascend. May the Commander's spirit choose wisely! Begin!"_**

Just as she assumed, the moment the announcement was made, Fid, Garrick, and Myr all went for Lexa. Allana came right at her while Eli seemed to try and get rid of the youngest novitiates, Tycen and Raaya, first.

Costia ducked easily when Allana tried to strike her, and launched at Myr, slashing her shin with her sword. The surprise slowed Myr down, giving Costia just enough Time to jump on Garrick's back the moment he was about to hit Lexa who was busing herself with Fid.

 _Now things are going to be fair,_ Costia thought, dropping both herself and Garrick on the ground. She used her thighs to lock him in place, and her arms to choke him until he passed out. She didn't know if he was dead or not but she didn't have time to figure it out because Myr was now closing the distance between them.

She ducked, making Myr miss her entirely, and Glanced at Lexa who just pulled her sword out from Fid's stomach. His blood was spilling on the ground. She was relieved Lexa just got rid of the toughest competition, but that momentary glance at Lexa meant that she heard Myr a second too late and got her arm cut by Myr's sword.

They were fighting for a few moments, but Costia easily blocked Myr's hits. She knew she had to move to the offensive. She didn't want to. It meant going forward with the plan and kill someone for the first time in her life, someone who was her friend. But she knew that the more time she wasted, the less she could help Lexa with the rest.

So when Myr tried to swing her sword again, Costia shifted her weight, creating an opening at Myr's side which she used to slide her sword in between Myr's ribs. Myr cried in pain and fell on the sand.

Costia stood above her. **_"I'm sorry,"_** she told her, completely tormented.

 ** _"Your day is much worse than mine,"_** Myr gave her a smile through a shallow breath. **_"Just make it quick."_**

Costia nodded. She loved Myr, but she loved Lexa more. She brought her sword down right into Myr's heart. Her friend was gone within seconds.

When she turned around she saw that Allana was dead as well, and that Lexa was currently struggling with Eli, Raaya and Tycen. Garrick was still unconscious. Costia walked toward the fighting four, trying to figure out whom it was smartest to target next. But her leg was grabbed and she fell on the ground, face hitting the sand. She quickly turned over and saw the now recovered Garrick standing above her with a sword lifted.

 ** _"I'm sorry,"_** Garrick said genuinely. He was the first novitiate she met when she moved to Polis. They always liked each other.

 ** _"No, I am,"_** she replied sincerely and rolled backwards just as Garrick's sword hit the now empty ground below.

Before he realized what was happening, Costia's sword was in his stomach. She was bruised and scratched from her meeting with the ground but felt nothing due to the rush of adrenaline.

 _This is what Alex wanted,_ she reminded herself as she pulled the sword out of Garrick's stomach just to re-enter it into his body again, making sure once more to hit the heart and make it quick. He collapsed right away. She wasn't blaming Lexa. Her friend had faith, that faith was part of what brought them here to this point in time, and Costia was doing the best she could to make sure Lexa could fulfill her destiny.

Not that Lexa needed her. She was still handling herself quite well with three other competitors, but Costia could see she was starting to get tired. They all saw her getting closer and Tycen and Raaya silently agreed to leave Lexa to Eli and to get Costia out of the way. They both came at her, and even though they weren't much younger than her, the few years gap and her superior technique made a huge difference.

Raaya jumped at her but Costia moved easily, making Raaya miss her entirely. Costia ducked just as Tycen tried to launch at her as well and she caught him from below, opening his thigh all the way from the hip to the knee. He screamed in pain.

 ** _"I am so, so sorry,"_** she said and ran her sword through his heart. She could've done the brain, too, but she knew the bodies would be returned to the families and she wanted to keep the face undamaged if she could.

She turned around, sword in hand, and there stood Raaya, their youngest novitiate. Smart, capable and while only two years younger than Costia, as far as Costia was concerned she was still a child. Costia froze, but a moment later she saw a sword goes right through Raaya's chest, and when Raaya fell down, dead. Costia looked up and saw Lexa pulling her sword out of the dead body.

Eli was lying dead right behind her.

 _Good, than I managed to help,_ Costia thought. She was sad she didn't manage to get to Eli. He was the first one to welcome Lexa to their class. Costia knew this was hard on Lexa and she wanted to take that burden away. But it was all done.

Lexa looked up, scanning their surroundings, breathing hard. She found her best friend's eyes and realized Costia was the only one who was left.

 _Now what?_ Lexa thought.

But Costia didn't give her time to hesitate, she launched toward her.

Their swords clashed as they were spinning around each other, every hit met with a defense move.

The audience was at the edge of their seats, those of them who were still sitting down. This was it. This was the end, and also the beginning.

It wasn't like their usual sparring. Lexa couldn't be sure but she assumed that Costia killed everyone that she didn't. Between both of them it meant seven deaths, and it also meant they were tired, operating on their, by now, fourth wind.

For a fourth wind, though, Costia was doing pretty well. Maybe she wasn't as precise as always, but she was still relentless, coming at Lexa again, and again. But Lexa gave as good as she got and minutes later they were both full of shallow cuts. Every hit was accompanied by guilt. The guilt of causing physical pain to the person that they loved.

Lexa was aiming at Costia's legs and when Costia realized it she jumped, but not high enough, resulting in Lexa getting her shin, which brought Costia down to the ground in a crouching position. Lexa was quick to take advantage of the momentum and kick Costia's sword out of her hand.

Lexa was breathing heavily, her sword pointed at Costia's neck. Her best friend was breathing heavily as well. They locked eyes and Lexa saw something she didn't expect to see in Costia's eyes. Relief.

 _She got what she wanted,_ the understanding hit Lexa hard. Costia saw the change in her friend's expression and tried to mask her own feelings, but it was too late. Lexa knew.

"Did you lose on purpose?" Lexa demanded. Those were the first words they exchanged since they said their goodbyes in Costia's room earlier.

"I would never," Costia replied slowly, voice broken.

Lexa could feel the tears coming up.

 _She always meant for this to happen like this,_ Lexa realized, _ever since the night I found out. She knew how this would go._

It made her feel guilty all over again, for bringing Costia to Polis, for arguing with her about becoming a novitiate.

"Hey," Costia started, knowing what was going on in her friend's head. "You'd be a great Commander," she smiled in certainty. "You'd be the best there ever was."

The look Costia gave her made Lexa shiver. It was clear Costia believed what she was saying completely.

Lexa really struggled as her eyes started to throb, but she couldn't let herself cry. Not here, not now.

Titus was getting antsy in his seat. Lexa was already taking too long to finish this.

"I should've known that you'd do this. I think I didn't want to admit it to myself," Lexa blurted brokenly. In their little bubble in the center off the arena, out of everyone's hearing range, Costia could hear her friend chocking on her tears.

"Do it now, or it'll be too hard," Costia ordered. "It's okay, Lexa, do it." She continued softly. **_"_** ** _Ai gonplei ste odon."_**

Costia was using her name in a way that was meant to create detachment, Lexa knew. Costia never, for as long as she could remember, called her Lexa. Her best friend was trying to be Costia, the conclave novitiate, and not Costia, the best friend, the more than best friend. But one word could not change how Lexa felt about what was to follow. Neither could Costia's use of the traditional saying even though Lexa knew Costia was doing it for her benefit, to make it all proper. It didn't change what she had to do to her second half, the person who she was so desperately in love with.

Costia couldn't say what she really wanted to say at that moment, not like this, not when it was about to be all over.

Neither could Lexa.

But Lexa also couldn't **let it** be all over.

Costia shut her eyes, thinking it would be easier for Lexa if Lexa didn't look her in the eye. It wasn't.

And when Lexa saw Costia done everything she could to assure Lexa's safety, to assure them getting into that moment, and to assure it would be as easy on Lexa as possible, one definite truth rang strong in Lexa's heart and mind. She could never do this.

She turned around to the audience and scanned the faces until eventually her stare fell on the podium where the **_Fleimkepa_** was standing among the ambassadors.

 ** _"I come out victorious of this conclave,"_** Lexa stated loudly, letting her voice travel from the ground of the arena and onto the audience. Nardo jumped to his feet, very alert. ** _"Kostia kom okru finished second in this Conclave."_**

 ** _"Oh no,"_** Titus whispered quietly. He didn't see it coming, but now when it was unfolding right in front of his eyes he knew exactly what was about to happen.

"Alex, what are you doing?" Costia tried frantically. She was ready to die, she was **not** ready for this.

Lincoln, Nyko, Indra and Anya were all on their feet, too scared to hope.

 ** _"I hereby spare her life,"_** Lexa declared in a sure voice and the audience started buzzing. Costia was starring at her best friend wide eyed and completely baffled. But Lexa wouldn't look at her. **_"I am not done,"_** Lexa stated flatly and the audience fell silent again.

 ** _"She proved herself as a worthy warrior today, and she is indeed the best warrior I know. I would have her by my side as my new Fosgona."_**

Gustus grunted by Titus' side. He never had any reason to believe he will not remain in his current position, but clearly the new **_Heda_** had different plans.

 _She's going to hate this. She's going to have to kill for me,_ Lexa thought. _But she already killed for me. This is how we both walk out of here alive._

 ** _"I give her her life today, and I will entrust her with mine from this day on,"_** she concluded in the same steady, decisive voice. She was the last one left standing in this conclave. Whatever happened, it was all guided by Waldron's spirit. The decision of how to finish this was hers. The power was in her hands, and this is what she chose to do with it.

There were whispers in the audience. This was completely unheard of, and Lexa was never happier that they had so many witnesses. No one can act against this decision now. The Commander has spoken, the rest will follow. So was the will of the Commander's spirit.

 ** _"This conclave is over,"_** she declared and walked out of the arena to the sound of loud cheers, without another glance at her best friend, her official second, who stayed behind, still on her knees, and watched Lexa disappear.

* * *

Notes:

1\. This is one of the hardest chapters I had to write for this story.

2\. Waldron "passing the torch" - I'm a nerd, and so I used almost every opportunity to insert fire related metaphors/word plays since we're dealing with the Flame here after all. I assure you there will be many more.

3\. _Hofil kom keryon Heda na sad ai op_ – "May the spirit of the Commander choose me" in **_Trigedasleng._** We've seen this entire ceremony and heard Aden say these words after Lexa's death.

4\. Lincoln saying to Costia " ** _When you told me three years ago that there was something else in your and Lexa's way, and that you won't let it keep you apart?"_** He refers to their conversation from chapter 16.

5\. It was great to have Lincoln back. He's been gone for so long and missed so much. But he had to leave for his own peace of mind and when it really mattered – he came back. It's nice to imagine him going all over. I can see him in my head travelling far up north, witnessing the Northern Lights which I'm not sure any Grounder seen before because we don't know how far and wide the clans are spread.

6\. Spoiler – Costia and her agreement to put war paint on - this was a very important moment for me for the sake of what it is in the context, and also because I knew that Costia would find herself experiencing a similar moment in the future (before fighting Ontari), and will be forced to relive this moment right here. Except that Lexa won't be there the second time around and her absence would really echo.

7\. "at least one of us is going to die today and I never told her..." that she loved her, obviously.

8\. The conclave - I wrote this chapter a couple of weeks before we met Luna in canon. I knew we'd meet her, knew we'd probably learn more about the conclave, and I knew I was gambling a bit because I assumed the conclave structure was either throwing all the novitiates into the arena together, or do it in rounds, which is what Luna later confirmed when she described her and Lexa's conclave. I thought hard if I should change the way I wrote it and give the conclave its canon rounds structure. But dramatically, I liked what I did so I kept it. Just know that if you want this to be even closer to canon, what I would've done had I decided to change it would be to have Titus make sure to keep Costia for the very last round, thinking it would be Lexa's ideal triumph and overcoming her "weakness" if her last act in the conclave would be to kill Costia. I don't see Titus in shades of black and white. I think that even when he's misguided he does what he think is best for Lexa and the people. I do think serving Lexa changed him a bit for the better. Not enough, obviously, but at this point of our story he's not there yet. So if you guys prefer a conclave-in-rounds scenario, that's what I would've done.

9\. It was hard to say goodbye to the novitiates. When Lexa moved to Polis I tried to create this group of friends for her that were also like a family, give each one of them at least **some** personality, have them matter to both girls, show some of their good times together, too. Just like Luna said that she was forced to kill her brother (referring, I believe, to the fact that the novitiates are like brothers and sisters), Costia and Lexa had to do that as well. For it to be hard for them and for us to feel that hardship, I needed to have the novitiates matter. I do miss them, mostly Myr.

10\. "Did you lose on purpose?" "I would never." Lexa asked Costia this very question the first time she realized Costia was pretending to lose. And Costia gave her that very same reply all the way back in chapter 3. So even though Costia is trying to create detachment here to make it easier on Lexa to kill her, she refers to something from their childhood and that really doesn't help with what is already an impossible situation.

11\. **_Ai gonplei ste odon_** – "My fight is over" in **_Trigedasleng._** I assume you are familiar with this one, but just in case. This was important to me because just thinking about Lexa hearing Costia say the words makes me shiver. Also, of course, these were the last words Lexa said before she died a few years in the future in canon. Costia doesn't care about tradition, she says it for Lexa and it made things even harder on Lexa even though it's the opposite of what Costia is trying to achieve.

here it is, why the word **_Fosgona_** is so important in this story.


	31. De Seken Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

She walked out of the arena and straight into the Commander's temple. She wasn't sure where she was supposed to go. She assumed that under different circumstances, Titus would join her in her arena, announce her victory, and lead her where she needed to go. But that was not the case today. She announced her own victory, and she had no intention of lingering in the arena and give Costia a chance to make her undo her decision somehow, or hear any sort of criticism. She won, she was the Commander, **she** decided what goes.

She also knew that Titus would find her easily enough and indeed, he walked in a moment later and slammed the temple's door behind them.

 ** _"You should have killed her,"_** he spat.

 ** _"No,"_** she turned to him and countered in a calm, composed voice. **_"She bowed before me, and that's enough. She makes me stronger in ways you can't begin to understand,"_** she stated, daring him to object.

 ** _"You ignored my teachings,"_** he pointed out sadly.

 ** _"Titus,"_** she warned him. She may have not had the Flame yet, but she was the victor of the conclave, she was the new Commander and she demanded respect. **_"I did not ignore your teachings. I followed my gut, as Commanders should do. If this is how things turned out, this is what the spirit of the Commander wanted,"_** she concluded between clenched teeth. She believed that. She believed it was both a combination of her own choice, and what the Commander's spirit had wanted.

Why would the world bring her and Costia together for their entire lives, let them teach each other, make each other stronger, just to break them apart? No. This made sense. It **finally** made sense, and the spirit saw it, and the spirit put Lexa in the position of choosing. And Lexa did.

 ** _"Love is weakness,"_** Titus reminded angrily.

 ** _"I don't believe that, teacher,"_** Lexa provided calmly.

 ** _"The fact that your strength depends on someone else will hurt you."_**

 ** _"My strength doesn't depend on her,"_** Lexa clarified. **_"She compliments it,"_** she noted in certainty and turned around, letting him know they were done talking about the subject.

He had more to say. He disagreed with her decision, but he knew for a fact that the rightful victor won the conclave. The power dynamic between them changed already, he understood. He was no longer the teacher telling the novitiate what to do. He was now being told and expected to follow. Seeing her making the shift so quickly, distinguishing immediately and with no reservations that he was now her subject, too, made him smile softly.

The day had been complicated, to say the least. It was going to remain complicated for the foreseeable future, but he was anxious to see what the new **_Heda's_** reign would look like.

She was, after all, the brightest student he had ever had.

* * *

Costia waited on her knees in the arena until it emptied completely. It wasn't a conscious choice. She was just frozen in shock and completely unaware of her surroundings since the moment Lexa left her there.

But then she heard the victory horn, marking that the conclave was over, that a new Commander was chosen, and she got to her feet, finally looking around her.

Members of the Commander's guard were following Gustus as he ordered them to respectfully cover and retrieve the bodies of her friends. He gave her a glare but she was still too shocked to give him any sort of indication that she'd noticed him.

 _What now?_ She wondered. She didn't expect to walk out of that arena alive. She had no plan. Suddenly, she had a future, and there was no plan. There was always a plan before.

First it was to hide the truth about her blood and live by Lexa's side for as long as Lexa would have her.

Then, it was to go as a novitiate for as long as she needed to. Not stand out, but observe. Not seem like an actual strong candidate for the leadership that she never wanted.

Then, the plan was to help Lexa as much as she could in the conclave, and die, knowing that the last thing she ever done was to make sure the person that she loved was alive and ascended.

But from that point on she was completely clueless. Not worry-less, just clueless.

She looked at her hands, realizing she was bleeding from at least five different places. Some of the blood wasn't hers. She never meant to stay alive as someone who had blood on her hands. Now she had to. Was she blessed or cursed? She wanted to ask Lexa which one of the two it was, but Lexa was gone. Costia picked up her sword and started dragging it by her side toward the exit of the arena. Her head was down as she was looking at the ground in confusion, so she jumped in surprise the moment hands grabbed her as she exited the arena. She looked up and saw Lincoln, Anya, Indra and her father all looking at her in worry. Nyko was attending to her wounds immediately, not that it even registered.

Then she realized her father was searching for her eyes and his presence finally hit her as she started laughing hysterically.

 ** _"Kostia, are you alright?"_** he asked in growing concern. Anya and Indra exchanged looks but said nothing. This was new territory. **_"Daughter, what is it?"_** he clasped her head between his big hands and made her look directly at him, trying to make sure she didn't lose her actual mind.

Her laughter died down moments later and turned into a silent tear that fell down her cheek.

 ** _"I'm sorry, father,"_** she said, starting to breath heavily as if she was going cry. Anya, Indra, Lincoln and even Nyko who stopped circling her momentarily, took a few steps backwards. It was clear that this moment was becoming a very private one, and very overwhelming for the two people who shared it.

 ** _"What for?"_** Nardo asked gently.

 ** _"The daughter of the greatest warrior in the clans lost in the conclave,"_** she laughed once again, bitterly this time **_"I'm sorry if I've shamed you, I wasn't supposed to be here for this."_**

He looked at her intensely, trying not to say something that he wasn't supposed to say, like "you staying alive is against the rules but I don't care."

"I'm proud of you," he finally spoke in English. "I'm proud of both of you. You found a way."

 _Lex found a way. That's why she's Heda **.** I gave up the day she found out. She's the kind of person who finds a way. _

_Alex,_ she realized suddenly, finally completely present. _She saved my life. I need to find her. Alex is the plan._

She was about to leave when Aden and Dara showed up out of nowhere.

 ** _"We heard the horn!"_** Dara explained, noticing Costia standing by her father's side. She released a cry of relief.

 ** _"You won!"_** Aden screamed happily.

 ** _"No, little brother,"_** she corrected and finally allowed herself a ghost of a smile. **_"Aleks did."_**

 ** _"Hey, so you've lost,"_** Nardo shrugged, **_"You have to try everything in life at least once, otherwise, how would you know?"_**

Her smile grew bigger. She turned around and started walking toward the tower with Nyko fast behind her, calling after her to stop and let him treat her wounds. She didn't.

 ** _"I don't understand,"_** Aden looked at his father in puzzlement.

 ** _"Let this be a lesson from your sisters, son,"_** Nardo crouched down to match Aden's height. **_"A lesson on how strong love can be."_**

* * *

 ** _"What now?"_** Lexa inquired. Her brain was reeling with thoughts. She was hoping that once she had the Flame things will fall into place, but she was out of luck because it wasn't time yet.

 ** _"You need to cleanse,"_** Titus provided softly. **_"And get some decent rest. Tomorrow is your Ascension Day,"_** he bowed his head in respect and offered her a soft smile which she returned.

 _This is actually happening. I am the Commander._

She was so emotionally overwhelmed from almost killing her best friend, from winning, from fighting with Titus. She didn't even realize that she was going through the motions, doing what she needed to do. This moment was different. She was allowed a moment to stop and appreciate what she had just achieved.

 ** _"Gustus is waiting outside. He will show you where the Commander's quarters are. Your things were probably moved there already. Gustus is very loyal, Heda, you might want to re-consider…"_**

 ** _"No,"_** she stated in a tone that was not to be argued with. She didn't even realize he called her **_Heda_** for the first time.

Again, while he wasn't happy with her choice, Titus was very proud of how she handled the transition.

She walked outside and found Gustus waiting as she was told he would.

 ** _"Heda,"_** he bowed.

 ** _"Gustus, I apologize about earlier, but if you knew Kostia…"_**

But she didn't get to finish her sentence because she heard her name being called and turned around to see Aden, Nardo, Dara, Indra and Anya pacing quickly toward her.

 _Where's Cos?_ She wondered. Suddenly she couldn't wait to see her. Suddenly, there was nothing standing in their way. Or so she was hoping.

Aden jumped into her arms and she picked him up lovingly.

 ** _"Hey little boy!"_** she span them both happily, laughing lightly.

 _I'm alive, Costia's alive. Is this a dream?_

 ** _"Where's your sister?"_** Lexa questioned and pinched his nose.

 ** _"I don't know,"_** Aden shrugged. **_"She was acting weird and then she left."_**

 ** _"Leksa,"_** Anya spoke by her side. **_"I mean, Heda,"_** she chuckled. Lexa thought she never saw Anya chuckle before.

 _This title is going to take some getting used to._

 ** _"I need to head back to the village. I couldn't have trained a better second,"_** Anya stated. **_"I know you made a hard choice today, but for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing, and I think no one else would dare do what you did,"_** she smirked.

 ** _"Thanks, Anya,"_** Lexa didn't really know what to say and it seemed like Anya was experiencing a certain joy knowing that she left the new Commander speechless.

Anya turned around and started to walk away. Then she looked over her shoulder and spoke again. **_"I just hope that we are worthy of you,"_** she concluded and left without another glance.

 ** _"Heda, I'm sorry, but it's getting late and I need you to see a healer so he can attend to your wounds before you cleanse tonight,"_** Gustus interrupted apologetically. This kind of arrangement wasn't in his job description, but Titus was busy examining the Flame before Ascension Day, and as the Commander's right hand man, Gustus took over. Maybe after today he won't be the Commander's First Warrior, but he was still a part of the Commander's guard, and his loyalties were to her first.

 ** _"You go, Heda,"_** Indra said proudly, squeezing Lexa's shoulder. **_"We'll have time for all the rest later."_**

She scanned her family's faces. Nardo nodded at her.

She put Aden on the ground, gave him a tight embrace, offered everyone one last smile, and followed Gustus to the tower. She looked up, tying to see if she could see the top.

 _Going all the way up this time,_ she knew, and her smile grew bigger.

* * *

All of her stuff waited in her new room just like she was promised. She circled her new quarters, loving the size of it, loving that she actually had a huge bed, some sort of a living room or at least a hosting area, and, she knew, most importantly, the view. She walked through the balcony's door and gasped. It was breathtaking. She laughed lightly. This was all hers now. This was her new life. And the best part was she didn't have to go through it alone.

She felt a shiver and walked back in, shutting the doors and reminding herself that she was on a higher floor now, it was much colder. She needed to cover herself better next time. She had to show it to Costia, too.

She checked her closet and saw that all her undershirts were neatly folded.

She took a deep breath and walked to the middle of the room where the bath stood, filled with warm water. She was just about to take off her armor when a soft knock was heard.

 ** _"Enter,"_** she ordered and Costia walked in, Bo in hand. The doors shut again by the guards behind her.

"Your **_Fosgona_** is reporting for duty," Costia stated seriously, but bit her lip to try and hide a smirk. She leaned her Bo on the wall.

 _What took you so long?_ Lexa thought.

But then Costia walked closer and Lexa knew once Costia's sweet smell hit her senses and made her dizzy. _She showered_ , Lexa realized. _For me?_

"Since when do you knock?"Lexa challenged.

"Since you are my Commander," Costia explained sincerely. She had every intention of respecting Lexa's boundaries. She was here to find out exactly what they were.

"Please don't. I don't want things between us to change," Lexa requested gently, wanting Costia to know that she meant it.

"Things between us **are** changed," Costia pointed out. Still, wondering changed how.

Lexa swallowed hard. She wasn't sure if it was Costia's way of telling her that now more than ever nothing should happen between them. She was about to say something but Costia beat her to it.

"Thank you for sparing my life," Costia stated loadedly. She took a step forward, trying to see how it will be received.

"Thank you for sparing mine," Lexa replied genuinely.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Costia claimed innocently.

"We take care of each other, right?" Lexa prompted. It took it some time to settle in, the notion that she did the right thing. But now she was convinced and she wanted Costia to be convinced, too.

"Right. Except you shouldn't have done it," Costia pointed out. "I was okay with dying."

"I wasn't okay with you dying," Lexa spoke matter-of-factly and turned around from Costia. It didn't seem like her best friend was on the same page with her yet and that hurt her.

"They'll respect you less. They'll think you're weak," Costia argued and Lexa turned to look at her, realizing that Costia was concerned for her.

"I'll prove to them I'm not. I didn't want to do this if it meant doing this without you. There had to be another way," she took a step toward Costia, showing her it was the truth, showing her she wanted her to feel the same about all of this.

Costia nodded but said nothing.

"Did you make any plans for tonight? I mean, beforehand, in case you'd win?" Lexa asked, trying to sound casual and break the tension. She sat herself on the edge of the huge bed and the moment she did it was like the day's events caught up with her and she felt exhausted.

"I told this girl I'd see her afterwards," Costia snorted. Lexa looked at her in confusion, not sure what Costia found to be funny. She tried to cover her hurt feelings over the statement. "Alex," Costia shook her head, "I made plans for tonight assuming that I **won't** win," she explained with a soft smile.

Lexa didn't know what to say. Costia came to stand before her. It took everything to not reach out and touch Lexa's face. Lexa **was** the new Commander. Costia needed to know that fact really did change nothing between them yet at the same time changed everything.

"I was always supposed to find you so I could feel like I belonged somewhere," Costia acknowledged quietly and swallowed hard. Lexa's eyes did not leave hers. "And you were always supposed to find me so I could remind you, even when you doubt yourself, that there's no better person to do this job. It was always meant to be you," Costia looked at her so transfixed, so in awe, it took Lexa's breath away, she felt goosebumps appear on her arms.

"I guess, like you said the night I found out about you, it was always meant to be **us** ," Lexa countered. They were a team since the day they'd met. They were going to remain a team.

Costia released a breath and looked at Lexa's lips.

"Are you going to see that girl?" Lexa asked, standing up now, forcing Costia to take a small step back in order to clear room for her.

A second before, Costia was looking at her from above, now the roles were reversed, Lexa always the taller one.

"Do you want me to?" Costia almost whispered, not backing away, standing so impossibly close to Lexa that they were breathing the same air.

"No," Lexa stated without a shadow of doubt.

"Then what do you want, Alexandra?" Costia slowly put her hand on Lexa's hip.

 _Enough with these longing looks,_ Lexa thought, _I'm the Commander, if I want something I should take it. Especially if it's already been mine forever._

She put a hand on Costia's neck, and pulled her in, connecting their lips. She was planning on a rough, passionate exhibition of her feelings, the feelings that were suppressed for so long, but instead, something changed when she was half way to Costia's lips and the result was the most tenderness she had ever felt in her life. Costia shuddered under her touch, which made her shudder in return, and a moment later Costia's other hand snaked around her hip and back, bringing her closer until their bodies touched completely, ready for a dance they've been waiting for for years. Something they never thought they could have.

Costia moaned into her mouth and Lexa thought she was going to lose her mind, especially when she felt Costia's tongue meeting hers. **Now** there was aggression, now there was fervor and an endless amount of moans and groans that shot a surge of lust all the way from the top of Lexa's head to her toes.

She couldn't take that pace any longer, she needed more, so much more. She switched them around and pushed Costia on the bed, climbing on top of her. The movement made them break the kiss.

"Well, this is an angle we don't get to experience very often," Costia teased smugly, being the one to usually top Lexa when they sparred.

"Shut up," Lexa smiled and leaned in to capture Costia's lips again, but a few moments later she felt it – wetness on her cheek. She pushed herself up and saw that Costia was crying.

"Cos, what is it?" she asked in concern. "Do you not want to do this?"

Costia broke out in genuine laughter.

"Are you kidding me?" she shook her head. "I never wanted anything more," she swore.

"Then what is the problem?"

"There is no problem, Alex. These are happy tears," Costia explained. "I know, it's stupid, I'm ruining the moment with those stupid tears but I can't help it, you overwhelm every cell in my body and I never thought I'd have this," Costia confessed vulnerably.

"You are not ruining the moment," Lexa promised, "and," she continued, grabbing Costia's hand and placing it under her heart, "can you feel it?"

She could, even through the breastplate.

"Your heart is beating so fast," Costia observed in awe.

"Yes, because you overwhelm every cell in my body, too," Lexa provided, rubbing her nose with Costia's. "But I want you to be sure about this." She decided she would be considerate even if it meant she'd have to find a frozen lake to jump into later.

"I am more than happy to give myself to you completely," Costia swallowed hard, using her thumb to caress along Lexa's bottom lip. "It's all I ever wanted."

Lexa really didn't need additional confirmations. Another minute and she thought she might actually combust. Flame or no Flame, she was on fire. She slid her hand under Costia's shirt, letting fingertips meet skin.

Costia moaned at the faintest of touches. She looked directly into Lexa's eyes and spoke.

"One way or another you were always going to be the death of me."

That was it. Lexa lost her damn mind. Any thoughts of being slow and cautious were gone. It was all Costia's fault for looking at her like that and saying the sort of things only Costia would say. Lexa used both her hands to lift up Costia's shirt, dragging her fingernails along Costia's sides as she went, making her lover breathe heavily. She was about to lean in and capture Costia's lips again but Costia stopped her.

"You always looked really amazing in an armor suit, Alex, but, remember what happened the last time buckles from your armor met my skin?" she quirked an eyebrow.

Lexa was so lost in all things Costia that she didn't even realize her armor was still on.

She let her eyes follow Costia's neck, down to her collarbone and right below, and found it. The scar she gave Costia that awful day two years prior. She leaned in to kiss the scar, and sat back on her legs, starting to unbuckle her armor.

"Let me," Costia requested. Lexa took her hands off the armor and Costia, shirtless but still in a bra and pants, sat up, trying to unbuckle Lexa's armor. Her hands were shaking. Lexa understood. She herself was too busy letting her eyes roam over every inch of exposed skin.

"You're flawless, Cos," Lexa whispered, making Costia chuckle just as she managed to unbuckle one part.

"I can assure you that's not true," she countered, but looked up to see Lexa's eyes gazing at her.

"You are flawless, to me," Lexa clarified.

"Good, because you are the only one who matters," Costia pointed out, stealing a quick peck from Lexa's lips before attending to the armor again.

"Hurry up," Lexa ordered.

"I'm trying!" But her hands were still shaking and it slowed the whole process down.

Lexa grabbed her wrists and Costia looked up in surprise. Lexa guided Costia's hands back to the buckles and held her steady as she was dealing with the last two, letting the armor drop by the side of the bed.

"This part is easier," Lexa teased.

Costia shook her head playfully but was quick to get rid of Lexa's shirt.

Then she just froze, sat there, staring at Lexa without moving.

"Cos?" Lexa tried in confusion but got no reaction. "Costia?"

"God, I could just look at you like that forever," she blurted. Both of them were warriors, their bodies reflected it without losing their femininity. They were toned, they were sexy. Neither really paid much attention to that aspect of herself, but when the other one was presented like that, there was no wonder Costia was gawking.

"Seriously," Costia repeated. "Forever."

"I'd rather you don't," Lexa admitted, "I have other ideas in mind."

"Yeah, like what?" Costia inquired innocently.

Lexa smirked and pushed Costia back on her back, finally allowing herself to lower her own body onto Costia's, a moment that brought them both into a state of ecstasy.

"Like touching and tasting every inch of your body," Lexa stated and Costia never seen her so serious before. It made Costia's ears ring.

"Okay, then."

* * *

They were lying naked, facing each other, legs tangled, covered by the blanket.

Costia's head was buried in Lexa's neck as Lexa was drawing soothing circles near Costia's spine.

Costia's skin felt so smooth to the touch, Lexa couldn't get enough of it. If it was up to her she'd always maintain some sort of physical contact with Costia's body.

Each of them was thinking about what they've just done. The memory alone was enough to drive them both insane.

For Costia, touching Lexa like that for the first time was an actual dream come true. It's the thing she always wished for and thought that she will never experience. It was like her entire mind and soul just blew wide open and she could envelope herself in something so much bigger than herself.

Lexa, too, couldn't believe the day ended the way it did. The difference between how the day started and how it ended was unfathomable.

She was happy. Heck, she was overjoyed. She couldn't remember the last time that she actually felt real happiness. But there it was, in the form of the short girl cuddling into her.

She was also glad they've never pursued this physical aspect before. After tonight, Lexa realized that had they known what they were missing out on, they would've never been able to stop themselves.

They were so drawn to each other as it was, but add to that what they just did? Lexa wasn't sure she would ever be able to breathe normally again. They were so emotionally connected that every touch was completely charged. Nothing was "just a touch." They've known each other better than anyone else and all of a sudden there was something entirely new to learn about the other, to get good at, together. Master each other completely, like they've never done before.

No, Lexa knew, it wasn't just about a touch. This was an educational, spiritual, almost religious experience.

She worshiped Costia's body like it was sacred. To her, it was.

So for the first time in a long time, she remembered what happy felt like.

There was only one thing lurking in the shadows, not letting her feel completely at ease.

"Do you also feel guilty for not dying today?" Lexa voiced her thought after the long silence. They have lost seven friends today.

"Yes," Costia replied immediately into Lexa's neck which made Lexa shiver. Costia felt it and leaned in to kiss her lover's neck softly.

Lexa hummed, pleased, and continued speaking. "You didn't have to lose," she pointed out. If they were going to be them, if they were actually headed for a future together, they needed to talk about today.

Costia brought herself up a bit so she could lean on her elbow and look down at Lexa.

"Yes, I did," she countered in acceptance.

"I don't want people to think that you are less than what you actually are," Lexa explained with a grimace.

"I don't mind being your second," Costia shrugged, "I never did," she reminded with a tender smile.

"I'm sorry I made you my **_Fosgona_** ," Lexa offered regretfully. "I know fighting even more after you thought it would be over for good is the last thing you want." She made this decision for Costia, but then again, when Costia decided to die she made the decision for Lexa, too.

"Alex, it's fine. You saved my life. Plus, it could've been worse," Costia teased. "You could have made me your handmaiden."

"Costia, don't sell yourself short," Lexa objected, "I would've made you my **head** handmaiden."

"You really don't want me to braid you hair, Alexandra," Costia continued with a cackle, removing a lock of hair from Lexa's forehead.

"Why not? You do a fine job with bread," Lexa pointed out.

They smiled at each other for a few silent moments before Lexa spoke again.

"How was this? Compared to… others?" she inquired timidly.

"This… what?" Costia was confused.

"This… **this** ," Lexa replied cautiously, gesturing with her hand between them. She swallowed hard, fearing Costia's answer.

"I wouldn't know how it was compared to others. To **me** it was amazing," Costia assured happily, leaning in for a short, tender kiss.

The moment Costia broke their kiss Lexa was ready with her follow up question. "Wait, so…you never…?"

"No," Costia chuckled. She thought Lexa's idea was absurd.

"I was sure you did," Lexa admitted in embarrassment.

"I didn't," Costia promised, looking deep into her lover's eyes.

"Why? You said you wanted us both to experience in case…"

"There are some things I preferred to not experience at all if it wasn't with you," Costia explained gently. Lexa was very touched by the words, especially since they mirrored her own feelings on the matter. "I have all my first times with you, remember?" Costia pointed out, climbing on top of Lexa, leaning on her stretched arms, trapping Lexa's head between her hands.

They looked at each other intently, letting everything sink in. The whole day was a lot to take in.

"I love you," Lexa finally confessed in a sure voice full of emotion, looking up into her lover's eyes and refusing to fear the statement. She's been thinking these words for years now. It was so freeing to say them out loud.

"I love you, too," Costia replied instantly, a huge grin adorning her features. She brought herself down onto Lexa's body so she could kiss her. Lexa rolled them to the side so she could look at Costia.

"I have all my first times with you as well, except for our first kiss, I guess," Lexa pouted in disappointment.

"Hey," Costia took Lexa's hand in hers and kissed her palm. "We had our sort of first kiss together. If it wasn't for the whole dramatic discovery, I would've totally devoured your mouth that day. But instead all hell broke loose," Costia joked.

"Yeah, but it all turned out okay, I think?" Lexa challenged.

"I'm willing to agree that it could've turned out much worse. You are right on that," Costia confirmed, making Lexa laugh joyfully. "Hey, don't you need to cleanse or something?"

"I do," Lexa admitted, "but I don't want to ever leave this bed."

"We could cleanse together?" Costia suggested with a quirked eyebrow.

"I think I should do this one by myself, Cos, I'm sorry. But we already broken the rules once today… and I was happy to do it," she added quickly when she saw Costia's face fall, "and I know you don't care about these things but…"

"Alex, if it matters to you, it matters to me," Costia stopped her and promised.

Lexa sighed in relief. "Nobody said I can't be washed though, by… let's say… my handmaiden?" Lexa flirted.

Costia glared at her, but a moment later blurted "fine", and " **head** handmaiden." She couldn't stay upset knowing that in a few moments time her hands would be on Lexa's body again, run all over it.

She got out of bed and offered her hand to help Lexa up.

"Your bath awaits, Commander," Costia bowed all official like. Lexa snorted and took her hand.

Costia led her to the bath. "Won't the water be cold by now?"

Lexa put her hand in the water. "It feels really nice, actually. I guess all the candles keep a nice temperature in here," she shrugged and got in, dipping herself completely. Costia took a cloth and started cleaning Lexa's face gently, meticulously. Unlike Costia, Lexa didn't get a chance to wash after the conclave, so while her wounds were attended to, there were still blood smudges some places, and now on their sheets, too.

They were both thinking that maybe Lexa should have cleansed sooner, but agreeing silently that there seem to have been more pressing matters to attend to.

"Do you think…" Costia sighed, moving down to Lexa's lower neck, around her collarbone. "Do you think the Flame will make you different? Change the way you feel about things?" She bit her lip and Lexa knew what she was asking. She cupped Costia's cheek and made her look up and face her.

"Not the way I feel about this," she promised genuinely and while Costia gave her a little smile, Lexa knew her lover wasn't convinced.

 _I'll just have to show her,_ she thought.

There was a reason they've met. They were always supposed to get to this point, to be here, together.

This is what the spirit wanted. This is why it made sure Lexa kept Costia alive.

No way that same spirit would try to keep them apart.

Not after tonight. Tonight was a revelation, its own kind of ascension.

* * *

Notes:

1\. The "love is weakness conversation" between Titus and Lexa. We all know why this conversation is extremely important. It's definitely meant to mirror their talk about Clarke in episode 3X07. After all, in 3X07 Lexa tells him "this again?" The subject has clearly been discussed a lot in the past. I'd re-read this scene between them in here first, and then watch this. These scenes just really meant to connect to one another. Seeing Lexa react to him in canon while treating this story as her actual history resonates in my opinion, and makes one quite emotional. Just look at the warning look she gives him in canon when he dares bringing Costia up. It's such a taboo subject for her, and this story, this specific conversation is a big part of why.

2\. **_"You have to try everything in life at least once, otherwise, how would you know?"_** This is the thing he says. He also said it to her in chapter 24 when he tried to convince her to at least be with Lexa for whatever time they had left.

3\. Spot the Hamilton reference in this chapter :D I told you. Everywhere you look a Hamilton reference!

4\. "We take care of each other, right?" It's one of the things Lexa always says about them going all the way back to chapter 2 when they first visited the mountain, and again in chapter 12 when she asked Nardo's permission to take Costia to Polis. By saying it here she's letting Cosia know things remained the same for her, that they were still them.

5\. "It was always meant to be us." In chapter 20 Costia says: "But it'll come down to us. On conclave day? We're the best warriors and you know it."

They fought about it because in Lexa's mind this had nothing to do with abilities on the field but with something spiritual, yet here we are. This is part of Lexa's journey to acceptance of the falsehood in her faith even if in this moment she still believes their actions were directed by a higher power.

6\. Just so you know, I refer to Costia's discovery day as "the buckle debacle." I thought I'd mention it since we have a little callback in this chapter.

8\. "I have all my first times with you, remember?" Costia recalls a conversation they had back in chapter 4 (and frankly, probably many times since "off screen.") Back in that chapter, right after Costia nearly killed Lexa with a boomerang (bangarang!) Lexa complained and asked why Costia couldn't try it on Lincoln first and Costia said they have all their firsts together. True to her word, she waited with the sex.

9\. The feelings of guilt amidst the love scene - Seriously, they just killed a bunch of their friends, almost killed each other, and now they both lost their virginity a few hours later with the person they've been in love with for years. How much of a mind fuck life in the world of The 100 is?

10\. It took a very long time to get to this point of their first time together. However, I think they had to go through everything they've been through in order to get here. Also, I wanted them to have their first time when they were a little older, halfway through their teenage years preferably. Part of it is the fact that this is not just puppy love, it's deep and they carry it forward through different stages of their lives.


	32. De Seken Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

A soft knock on the door made Costia stir. She opened her eyes slowly and though the room was only dimly lit, being that many of the candles blew out during the night, the soft body beside her let her know exactly where she was, and reminded her that last night wasn't a byproduct of her overactive imagination.

She stretched a bit. She was sore. She was used to being constantly sore from training, but this was a new, very welcome kind of sore.

She knew the knock was meant for her. She asked Gustus the night before to knock around sunrise if he saw she never left the room.

"Alex," she whispered lovingly in the ear of the girl in her arms, "it's time to wake up." She kissed Lexa's temple.

Lexa never slept deeply anymore, not since Costia got her own room. This was the first time in two years that they've got to sleep next to each other not out of some deep desperation, but by choice that was the outcome of a positive decision. Lexa slept better than she had in a very long time, wrapped in a tight embrace. But her lover's voice managed to lure her into the world of the living.

"How did you know it was time?" Lexa yawned and turned to look at Costia.

"I told Gustus that if I never came back out he should knock and wake me by sunrise," Costia explained, smiling softly at her lover.

"He was there all night?" Lexa was dumbfounded.

"He probably managed to grab a couple of hours, but a few other guards were. That's their job, remember?" Costia chuckled softly.

Lexa nodded. She knew the **_Heda_** 's Guard was always present, but never interfering. They knew the Commander's private business, but they weren't allowed to comment on it or discuss it. But knowing that and experiencing that first hand were two very different things.

She considered herself lucky that the current head of the guard **was** her private business.

"Hi," she offered sleepily, yet more awake than a moment ago, and leaned in to kiss Costia.

"I really, **really** like waking up like this," Costia hummed once they broke the kiss.

"Agreed, we should do it tomorrow morning as well," Lexa commented sleepily.

Costia's hand was lying lazily on Lexa's hip and she wanted a re-do of what happened the night before but they both had a long day ahead of them.

"I don't think I actually congratulated you last night, **_Heda,_** " Costia flirted.

"I think you congratulated me plenty," Lexa pulled Costia impossibly close and captured her lips for another short, tender kiss.

Costia moaned, then groaned, and pushed herself away.

"None of this," Costia warned, "I need to get up. I'm going to watch the city's perimeter. I want to familiarize myself with all the safety procedures. I also need to find our family."

"Wait, you are leaving? It's my Ascension Day." Lexa wanted Costia by her side for every step of the way.

"You would be alone with Titus in the temple for most of the ceremony," Costia pointed out, "Gustus will stay guard. I need this time, Alex."

Lexa looked down in disappointment.

"Hey," Costia kissed the back of her hand. "This is not the kind of thing I want to learn on the job. I take this seriously. You entrusted me with your life, I don't take it lightly. If I wait too long I won't have the opportunity to do it at all," she stood up and started to gather her cloths and put them on.

Lexa understood where Costia was coming from. If the tables were turned she'd take her job just as seriously.

"Give me a couple more days to get acquainted with everything and everyone and I'll never leave your side again," Costia promised as she put her shirt on.

"Would you be there for the name reading?" Lexa asked, hopeful.

"Alex, I won't miss it for the world," Costia vowed.

"Okay."

"Want me to bring the family to the reading of the names?" Costia inquired with a smile, knowing that the thought would improve Lexa's mood tremendously.

"Yes. Please," her lover answered immediately.

"I know the ambassadors will be there," Costia started, "Titus will be there, members of the guard, but Dara, Dad and Aden? They will be there for you, not for the Commander," she laid out, letting Lexa know that no matter who she was expected to be now, she had the people who'd love her unconditionally, not for whom she had become, but for whom she always was.

Lexa smiled. "And you? Who will you be there for, **_Fosgona_**?"

"I'll be there for my second half," Costia kissed Lexa tenderly, grabbed her Bo and left.

* * *

Lexa walked into the temple accompanied by Gustus. He was polite, and didn't seem to hold a grudge against her for her role in his demotion. If he did hold a grudge, he hid it very well.

 ** _"Good morning, Heda,"_** Titus offered curtly with a bow.

 ** _"Fleimkepa,"_** Lexa acknowledged kindly.

 ** _"Are you ready for today's ceremonies? Did you cleanse well?"_** he inquired.

 ** _"Yes, I did,"_** Lexa smiled stupidly.

 _I cleansed very well._

Titus didn't miss her smile, and while it was a bit uncharacteristic to see Lexa so elated, he related it to her Ascension Day.

 ** _"Where is the Fosgona?"_** he asked suspiciously.

 ** _"Kostia wanted to take advantage of this time to familiarize herself with the city's perimeter and the safety procedures,"_** Lexa explained.

 ** _"I'm glad that she's taking the job seriously,"_** Titus mentioned, he meant it, too. Lexa's choice seemed odd to him. Costia never displayed anything other than being average in his classes. He associated the choice with a weakness in Lexa, but he was hoping that with Gustus' guidance, and with some learning, Costia would do a solid job.

 ** _"She will be the best Fosgona a Heda ever had,"_** Lexa stated matter-of-factly and walked deeper into the room, looking around at the wall paintings. Gustus huffed.

 ** _"Thank you, Gustus, you can wait outside,"_** Titus ordered and Gustus left with a respectful bow.

 ** _"What now?"_** Lexa asked, her excitement evident.

 ** _"Now,"_** Titus allowed himself a little smile, **_"now we give you the Flame."_**

He picked up a folded leather bag and put it on a table in front of him. Lexa walked closer to get a better look. When he opened the bag she saw a set of knives and a little rectangular box with a drawing of a skull on it. The skull had the Commander's traditional forehead piece. Titus opened the box and Lexa gasped. Inside the box laid a small, blue-ish, see-through rectangle. It had the sacred symbol on it.

 ** _"Is that…?"_**

 ** _"Yes, Heda. That is the Flame,"_** Titus confirmed.

Lexa was entranced. That little object was the spirit of the Commander. All those who came before her were in it, and now it was her turn.

 ** _"I will need you to lie face down on the slab, Heda."_**

She eyed him suspiciously but did as he asked.

He cleared her hair away from the back of her neck. **_"I apologize in advance, but this is going to hurt."_**

 ** _"Pain is good,"_** Lexa allowed. **_"Pain lets us know that we're alive."_**

He was chanting some words that she didn't understand and moments later a blade met her skin, ripping her open. She bit her tongue hard, vowing not to scream no matter what happened or how painful it would be. She cursed herself for not forcing Costia to come with her. One look from her loved one and she would've been able to ignore all of this.

But then she felt him slide something into her open wound.

"Ascende superius," she heard Titus say confidently.

She felt something moving within her, seeking, searching, and then resting, finding its place, becoming one with her.

For a few moments nothing happened, but then her eyes widened, she released a gasp, and the world started.

* * *

Costia was crouched in the woods outside of Polis, watching the guards on the walls intently. She didn't want to be seen. If the guards saw their new leader roaming about, they may have presented a different front. No. She needed to see if there were any faults in the security system, any weaknesses. The walls were the first barrier between a potential intruder and her lover. She was the last barrier and she knew she'd never let anything come between her and Lexa, but she was going to do the best she could to make sure every single safety measure in the pyramid going all the way from these walls and up to her was intact and competent.

She heard a noise behind her, something very subtle, like someone stepped on leaves, but it was enough for her to turn around just in time to see Gustus sending a fist toward her face. She ducked aside, quickly circling him and kicking him in the middle of the back.

He quickly turned around and came at her with a sword out but she grabbed her Bo which was attached to her back, and hit him in the shins, making him lose his balance and fall flat on his back. She stepped on his wrist until he released his sword, and pointed her Bo at his neck, her foot on his chest keeping him down.

 ** _"How exactly are you going to kill with this weapon, girl?"_** he sneered.

Costia flipped a switch and a blade came out of the hidden compartment at the end of the Bo, nearly drawing blood from Gustus's neck.

 ** _"If you are here who's watching the Commander?"_** she demanded coldly.

 ** _"I left guards outside that door,"_** he tried to justify but he realized the question made him feel guilty. This didn't turn out the way he thought it would. He came to prove a point and it seemed like he was in for some schooling.

 ** _"Why are you here?"_** she inquired flatly, not at all impressed with his display.

 ** _"You took my place just because she loves you,"_** Gustus blamed.

 ** _"Wrong. That's why I'm alive, that's not why I took your place,"_** she countered, pushing her foot deeper into his chest to emphasize her point.

 ** _"I needed to know that the new Fosgona was competent, since it's me you're replacing and I know I'm component,"_** he spat.

 ** _"I may have lost to Lexa in the conclave but I killed three novitiates before that,"_** Costia reminded. If even her actions didn't prove her worth to these people, what would?

 ** _"I had to be sure,"_** he sounded a bit more apologetic now.

 ** _"Good, I want what's best for Lexa. Even if it means an over-protective second in command to the Fosgona,"_** she took a dig at him, reminding him the new order of things. She may have not asked for this position, but that's what she got, and she was going to demand the respect she deserved. " ** _Are you sure now?"_** she challenged angrily.

 ** _"Yes,"_** he stated simply.

She offered her hand to help him up and the moment she started walking back toward the city gates he tried to grab her from the back again, ending on the ground in a loud thump a moment later once more.

She stood above him again, arms crossed, and shook her head in disapproval.

He looked at her in awe, confused, embarrassed, humbled.

 ** _"You're only a fifteen years old girl."_** He was one of Polis' finest and she flipped him on the grown within seconds. Was she always that good and no one realized?

 ** _"So is Heda,"_** Costia pointed out. ** _"Wait until you see what she can do."_**

Realization hit him. She was right.

 ** _"You remind me of my father,"_** Costia admitted. **_"He's a big man, a mighty warrior, but he's the most loving person."_** She offered Gustus a hand again and he stood up, towering above her and her small frame.

 ** _"Always put Heda first,"_** she ordered.

 ** _"Yes, Fosgona,"_** he promised, full of newfound respect for his tiny superior.

* * *

All the Ambassadors gathered in the throne room. Lexa was not yet seated on the throne. She kept postponing that very first time. She wanted to go through all the other steps first so when she finally sat on the throne no one would bat an eye. It didn't make her feel any less of a Commander. The Flame was now inside of her, there was this presence in the back of her head. She was still herself, but there was more. So much more. She felt stronger.

The room kept filling up but the faces she wanted to see the most weren't there yet. And then Indra, Nardo, Dara and Aden walked in. The little family of three had wide smiles on their faces. They've never been in the throne room before and Lexa knew that at least for Aden, this wouldn't be the last time.

 _I'll get to mentor him one day,_ she realized suddenly, proudly. _If he's going to be anything like his sister when he grows up the future seems very promising. Where is his sister?_ She wondered. They were just about to start.

But Costia walked into the room a moment later, leaning on the pillar by the entrance, smiling at her in an assuring way, telling her without words "I told you I'd be here."

Lexa sighed in relief. **Now** she was ready to start.

 ** _"We've gathered here today to witness our new Heda, the conclave's winner, Leksa kom trikru ascend,"_** Titus announced. Everyone in the room bowed in respect, except for Costia. She was standing behind everyone so the only one who could see her was Lexa. Costia bit her lip to hide a smirk. Lexa didn't give any indication that she'd noticed. But she did.

 ** _"Ambassadors,"_** Titus instructed and one by one they all came down to their knees, the rest of the guests in presence followed suit, as did Costia.

Lexa didn't like it. Didn't like when there was a reminder that she and Costia weren't equal, but she knew that there was only so much Costia could get away with without making it seem like Lexa was allowing her too much.

 _She is your equal where it really matters,_ Lexa reminded herself.

 ** _"Leksa accepted the Commander's spirit this morning and it is now time to finalize the ascension with the traditional reading of the names. Heda, please recite those who came before you."_**

She didn't hesitate. She saw glimpses in her mind of those who'd done it before her, so she knew without a doubt to take the few steps up the throne, turn to her subjects who were now all below her, and start speaking the names, calm, and certain.

First there was Becca, and last there was Waldron. She took a short pause before saying his name. He was **her** Commander and she wanted him to receive the respect he deserved.

When she was done the room was silent, but she knew her part was over.

 ** _"The ascension has been completed,"_** Titus declared and joined Lexa to put the traditional forehead piece on her forehead and to give her the Commander's cape. **_"All hail Leksa kom trikru, may she reign long and wisely!"_** he announced.

The crowed rose to their feet and cheered loudly and enthusiastically. Later, each one of these ambassadors was bound to come and test the waters, see what they were dealing with, understand who exactly was their new leader, but now was a time for celebration.

Costia walked toward her newly crowned lover. She wanted to take her in her arms, kiss her senseless and tell her how proud of her she was, how she thought Lexa was going to change the world. But she knew she couldn't do it in front of all the witnesses.

 ** _"Heda,"_** she nodded at Lexa politely. Gustus was quickly by Lexa's side again the moment the ceremony was over.

 ** _"Fosgona,"_** Lexa replied with a nod of her own.

 ** _"That was a very solid name reading,"_** Costia joked.

 ** _"Thank you,"_** Lexa responded kindly, wanting to put her hand on Costia's neck and pull her in for a deep kiss. She felt energized. Like her entire body was flowing with electricity. She could only think of one thing that felt better than that and it was the thing she did the night before with the girl who was standing in front of her.

It seemed that Costia knew what the Commander was thinking because she blushed, making Lexa send a very self satisfied smile her way.

 ** _"I have to go finish a few more things, but I'll see you later tonight,"_** Costia promised. **_"Lead well,"_** she teased.

 ** _"You know that I will,"_** Lexa replied flirtatiously.

 ** _"That I do,"_** Costia confirmed and turned to Gustus. **_"You watch over her, Gustus."_**

 ** _"Yes,_** **_Fosgona,"_** he replied with a respectful nod and Lexa was happy to see there seemed to be an acceptance there.

Costia offered her one last smile and left her to deal with the hardest part – leadership.

* * *

The day was finally over. It seemed as if the moment her ascension ceremony ended every single diplomat in Polis wanted to have a word. She got a very big first taste of what her life was going to look like from now on. She was up to the task, she didn't fear it, but after starting the day in Costia's arms, then accepting the Flame, then everything that followed, she was exhausted. The day was very emotional, very intense. After a few meetings she was taken to receive her back tattoo. A way of her own choice to commemorate her conclave and those who were lost when she was chosen. Seven black circles for those who were killed, a white one for the one who ascended.

Gustus was stationed outside her room with a couple more members of the guard. He was going to be in charge over the nights and Costia was going to spend the days with her. If it was up to Lexa, Cotsia would spend all her nights with Lexa, as well, but in a completely different way.

Lexa soaked herself in a bath, wondering where her lover was. She was offered a handmaiden but refused. She liked drying her own hair, dressing herself, feeling how her own body felt like now that she was a completely different person with the Flame, yet exactly who she always was simultaneously.

Her back was sore from the new addition but she didn't care. It was a reminder. Her pain was small in comparison to those she was trying to remember.

She put on her new nightgown. Things kept showing up in her room. Things that were made for her. Some invisible presence all of a sudden made sure she had all sorts of goods. She was a novitiate for so long, being taken care of but not spoiled, and all of a sudden all the riches of Polis, of the clans, were thrown upon her. She reminded herself to stay humble, to not become too grandiose, but a nice nightgown, one that made her look incredible, was something she could do. More than that, she wanted to see a certain someone's reaction to her in that gown.

She finished putting it on and let her fingers run on her stomach, feel the material, when she heard a startling thump by the balcony door. A moment later the door opened and her lover stepped into view with her Bo attached to her back and a satchel across her midsection.

"Your **_Fosgona_** says you need to get used to locking these doors," Costia joked.

"Costia!" Lexa scolded angrily, eyes shooting daggers at the other girl.

"What? You told me not to knock!" Costia countered innocently.

"Your new room is two floors down and we are way higher up now," Lexa pointed out, joining Costia on the balcony. "You can't keep doing this. Starting tomorrow you're going to spend most of your days with me. Might as well just stay here at night, too," Lexa tried to sound casual and logical about the statement but Costia saw right through it.

"We'll see," she smirked, making Lexa roll her eyes. Costia opened the satchel and took out her mother's old pair of binoculars. The ones that have been Lexa's forever.

"Where did you get this?" Lexa asked in surprise. She didn't realize it's been missing.

"I stole it from your old room yesterday before they moved your stuff here," Costia shrugged. "I wanted to re-give it to you in this glorious moment," she gestured with her hand all majestically like.

"You were right all those years ago, it will be very useful now," Lexa grabbed it from Costia's hands, throwing her a seductive glance over the shoulder as she walked to the railing, trying the binoculars from the new vantage point for the first time ever. Looking over her new kingdom from so high up was exhilarating. But not as exhilarating as the body who stepped impossibly close behind her.

"Anything worth seeing?" Costia asked quietly, her mouth a hair shy from Lexa's ear.

Lexa turned around, intentionally trapping herself between Costia and the railing.

"Yes," she stated simply.

Costia swallowed hard. "So… **do** you feel different?" she asked cautiously. She had to make sure the Flame didn't change anything.

"I do," Lexa admitted, making Costia's face fall. Lexa cupped Costia's cheek, making Costia look back up at her. "But not about this," Lexa added through a shallow breath and brought Costia in for a heated kiss that took both their breaths away.

Costia was beyond relived and when they broke apart she leaned her forehead against Lexa's, forgetting there was a piece there now. "Tell me about your day?" she requested softly, ignoring the itch from the little forehead piece.

"Not right now," Lexa objected. "Right now I want to do something else."

Costia's breath caught in her throat as Lexa softly grabbed her hand and led them to the bed.

 _Is this how it's always going to be from now on?_ Costia wondered. _Direct? Suggestive? I think I'm going to like that very much._

"You look beyond beautiful in this gown, Alex," Costia licked her lips just as Lexa sat herself on the bed, Costia standing above her, getting a really nice view of her cleavage.

"I wore it for you," Lexa admitted.

"You did?" Costia questioned happily, loving that Lexa tried to please her like that.

"I did," Lexa confirmed. "And now I need you to take it off," she added intently, taking Costia's hand in hers and kissing it. She wanted to feel that hand everywhere.

"Gladly," Costia's voice was hoarse, laced with lust.

She took off the piece from Lexa's forehead and leaned down to capture Lexa's lips. Her hand wrapped around Lexa's back and Lexa hissed in pain, making Costia look at her in confusion.

"I just got the tattoo," Lexa explained. They've discussed it the night before. Costia thought it was a beautiful thing to do and she now looked at her lover adoringly.

"I'll be really gentle, then" she promised.

"Don't."

* * *

Costia was sprawled on her stomach. Lexa lay next to her and caressed her back, enjoying the impossible smoothness of Costia's skin.

"Gustus and I had a little… conversation today," Costia started sleepily. She was extremely comfortable.

"Oh?" Lexa halted her action but resumed a second afterwards.

"With fists," Costia explained and yawned.

"What? I'm going to kill him," Lexa was about to leave the bed and go deal with the second to the highest ranked member of her guard.

"Alex, stop," Costia grabbed her arm. "He wanted to make sure I was fit to be the Commander's First Warrior. The First Warrior would never report back to the Commander about something like that. It's an honorable understanding between him and me. I wasn't telling that to Lexa the Commander, I was telling that to Alex, my lover," Costia explained and licked her lips in contemplation, hoping she was explaining herself well enough. "I need to know that I can do that sometimes. Okay? You can't react like this every time someone attempts to break my fingernail."

"Fine," Lexa huffed and got herself back under the covers. "Did the First Warrior prove herself worthy of the Commander's trust?"

"What do you think?" Costia quirked an eyebrow.

"I think that you're driving me crazy and I want to always have you at arms' reach," Lexa admitted, fire in her eyes.

"Then I guess it's a good thing I'm right here, and that my new position requires that I'll always be intimately involved with your well being," Costia pointed out and bit her lip.

Lexa smiled widely and leaned in for a sweet, short kiss.

"Tell me about the Flame?" Costia inquired cautiously.

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know," Costia shrugged. "Everything. What does it look like? What does it feel like?"

"It's… It's like this rectangular thing, this big," she marked with her fingers, "blue, but also sort of see-through?" Lexa looked away, as if she was trying to recall. "It had lines on it. It almost looks like something I'd expect to find on the mountain," Lexa admitted. "Like a piece of a bigger machine or something… you know, technological," Lexa concluded sheepishly.

"What, like… like a chip?" Costia asked in confusion, "a computer chip?"

"Of course not, Costia. It can't be anything of the sort," Lexa countered with a scoff. "It just… it had that look. But it had the sacred symbol on it, too" Lexa added and Costia nodded, urging Lexa to continue.

"And then Titus put it in, here," Lexa's gestured at her neck, she showed Costia the stitches earlier so they won't rip them accidentally as part of their activities. Later, she knew, she'll tattoo the sacred symbol there to mark the home and host of the spirit, but the spot had to heal first. "And then there was clarity. I was grounded. It felt like… it **feels** like it breathes new life into me," Lexa concluded and turned to look at her lover. "You breathe new life into me, too."

Costia smiled but rather than saying anything she just cupped Lexa's cheek and caressed it with her thumb.

"I love you," she vowed eventually.

"I love you, too."

"Do you think we can shorten your red cape, though?" Costia teased after a moment.

"Costia!" Lexa snorted, slapping her lover's shoulder.

"What? I always thought it was such a silly thing. I already saw you almost tripping on it earlier. So unpractical!"

Lexa laughed genuinely. When her laughter died down she stared at Costia lovingly.

"I love this tattoo, Alex," Costia said even though the tattoo was hidden from her sight in their current position. But she still ran her fingers softly on it, trying not to cause Lexa any pain. "You have so much honor."

"It's tradition, and It was the least I could do," Lexa brushed off. She didn't want to be praised for something that felt so obvious to her.

"I'm not there with them," Costia observed sadly.

"And I wouldn't want you to be," Lexa pointed out. "You'll be here one day," she took Costia's hand and put it on her own right arm, where a promising tattoo would traditionally go, to mark that two people have chosen to spend their lives side by side.

"Yeah?" Costia asked shyly, surprised by the magnitude of Lexa's declaration.

"Cos, you are my best friend, my confidant, and now this… This wonderful, wonderful thing," Lexa laughed in joy. "You gave me so much, all my life. Of course I'd want even more with you," she finished, looking into Costia's eyes with so much love. Costia was immensely touched by the words.

"You know you gave me a lot too, right?" she asked quietly.

Lexa didn't seem so sure.

"Alex, you saved a little crying six-year-old, gave her a safe place and her first friend in a brand new, scary world. Then you **became** my whole world," Costia reminded, pushing herself up so she could look down at her lover. "You gave me a home and a family when I didn't even know my father yet, when I didn't know the language. And you always made me feel like I should be proud of who I was. You are the only person who really knows me, really knows who I am, fully."

"It's because you are hiding yourself, parts of yourself," Lexa pointed out sadly. "You shouldn't. You can do so much in this world. They should know."

"My point is," Costia ignored her lover's last comment, "that I want more with you, too. I want everything with you."

Lexa looked at her in awe. "Remember the night you came to my room, drunk?"

"You know that I don't," Costia chuckled, using her fingernails to trail Lexa's shoulder. She had no idea where this was going and she laid herself back down.

"I watched you sleep and fantasized about what life could've looked like if one of us wasn't a Nightblood. It was like a dream," Lexa got lost in the memory. "And it looked very similar to this, right here, right now."

"Well, but **this** isn't a dream," Costia pointed out, mirroring Lexa's smile.

"No, no it isn't," Lexa agreed and leaned in to taste every corner of Costia's mouth.

When they broke the kiss they remained like that for a while, facing each other, a little gap between them which Lexa was grateful for as she could scan Costia's face. Costia's eyes were fluttering shut, her hand was on Lexa's hip. Lexa knew that her lover was drifting to sleep while Lexa's own fingernails were running down Costia's spine.

 _Mine,_ Lexa thought, looking at her lover. _Body, mind and soul._

Everyone was technically hers now. They were all her subjects. But this was so different. They all belonged to her, but in front of her was the only person **she** belonged to. And how incredible and empowering it felt to belong to that person.

* * *

Notes:

1."Give me a couple more days to get acquainted with everything and everyone and I'll never leave your side again," Promises, promises… She didn't think she was lying, though.

2\. Huge spoiler – **_"Pain lets us know that we're alive."_** Lexa says something very similar to this in volume 2, chapter 60, right after her resurrection and to emphasize that it's a way for her to know that what's happening is real.

3\. Ascende superius – "seek higher things" in Latin. We learned late in season 3 (way after I started writing this story) that it's the activation phrase for the Flame.

One of the most challenging things about this story is that I wrote chunks of it and had others laid out while season 3 was still going on. Since I wanted this to be very canon inspired and since they kept revealing things about the past as the season went on, it was maddening at times. Like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces that kept on changing.

Every now and then, though, things worked out perfectly. Lexa's ascension was written in a cliff notes version for a while, and then the show exposed the existence of the activation phrase to turn the Flame on, and then we learned about the reading of the names as the final part of the ceremony, and that was so much fun for me because I could integrate it and make these scenes more authentic. So this was one of those rare times when I was going "yes!" when they appeared in canon.

Spoiler – and needless to say, I got to use it all over again later on when Costia got the Flame.

4\. The binoculars - Costia gave it to Lexa back in chapter 2, the first time they visited the mountain. Specifically so Lexa could watch her little subjects from the top of the tower.

5\. Costia's reaction after Lexa describes The Flame - Costia is a mountain girl and her alarms are going off right now.

6\. The mention of the need to get the infinity symbol tattoo where the the Flame rests - I love that we meet Lexa before she was the final product we met in canon. She just got her back tattoo, she's planning the sacred symbol one, and as for her arm tattoo, well…

7\. Huge Spoiler – Lexa saying it feels like the Flame breathes new life into her - this statement is so important. It left such a lasting impression on Costia, it reverberated for so long, that it was the core of Costia's plan and understanding that the Flame could play a part in bringing Lexa back from the dead. Costia quotes it out loud in volume 2, chapter 39 while in **_Azgeda_**. Roan is confused, he thinks she lost it, but she knows exactly what she's doing.

8\. Costia caressing Lexa's back tattoo - Like I said, we have some parallels between Clarke and Costia (girls dig tattoos). That's also why it made sense to me that when Clarke asked her about it and about the conclave when they were in bed, Lexa was somewhat hesitant. It all made her think about Costia.

9\. There we go, the mentioning of the arm tattoo. I always find it weird that the Grounders mark so many milestones with tattoos yet marriage or its equivalent wasn't one of these things. Alycia recently mentioned that Lexa's arm tattoo represented different stages of leadership, however, I wrote this months before and what Alycia said was never actually said in canon, and also, I like this notion of a promising tattoo quite a lot.

10\. Lexa mentioning the night drunk Costia showed up which was on Chapter 28.


	33. De Seken Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

 _Six Months Later…_

Most days Costia stayed by Lexa's side until Lexa's day was over which was always hours after Gustus was supposed to take over from Costia for the night shift. Sometimes, Lexa would see Costia sneak a yawn. She'd find a moment when they were alone, grab Costia's arm softly and say "go, my love. It won't take me much longer now."

And then Costia would object but eventually agree and head to Lexa's room, **their** room. Everyone knew Costia pretty much shared the Commander's quarters since day one. Everyone except for Titus who didn't know or didn't want to know.

Costia would try and wait up for Lexa. Sometimes she'd bathe, sometimes she'd wait for Lexa for that, too, but one thing always remained the same on the nights when Lexa dismissed her - she loved it when Lexa walked in after a long day and took off her armor. For that small window of time Lexa wasn't the Commander, she was just the love of Costia's life, and Costia was there to witness the transition. Lexa seemed to relish in that thought just as much as Costia did. And there were other reasons why both young women liked it when Lexa took off her armor.

Such a night was tonight. Costia was too tired to wait for her lover with a bath, so when Lexa walked in she found Costia fast asleep. Costia spent a few hours of the day training with the new Commander's guard recruits. Lexa's day may have been longer, but Costia's was more physical.

Lexa examined her lover's figure, grateful for the rare opportunity to see Costia like that, so incredibly peaceful. Lexa wanted in on that and she knew that once she was showered, she would be. Maybe this night wasn't going to be physical between **them** , but that was okay. They managed to find the time to lover each other that way, and when they didn't, being in each other's arms through the night was more than enough, it felt like a privilege.

Lexa came out of the washroom shortly after her return. She didn't bother with dressing up. Why would she? The only other person in the room was Costia, whom, she knew, was also naked under the covers. Lexa was quite happy by the prospect of some skin to skin contact. She got into bed to find that she was indeed correct in her nakedness estimation, and wrapped herself around her lover who didn't even stir.

 _I'm wearying you down too much,_ Lexa thought in self satisfaction, _both day and night._

She breathed in Costia's scent and sighed in content, quickly drifting off to sleep as well.

Not even two hours later a knock was heard on the door.

Costia was always the one who got up because as far as she was concerned it was another safety measure, but also because Lexa almost always got less sleep than she did and Costia wanted her lover to sleep peacefully and with no interruptions. Lexa trusted Costia's judgment completely when it came to deciding whether to wake her up or not.

It was always Gustus who knocked. If need be, Titus would wait in the throne room for when Lexa got up, and he was ready to discuss whatever urgent news it was, but he tried to respect her privacy when he could and let her maintain some boundaries by not delivering the messages himself.

Costia would get out of bed in such a haze that Lexa would mumble "robe," sleepily, reminding her lover that no one was allowed to see her naked except for Lexa herself. Then, Costia would come back to bed minutes later and forget to take the robe off which would make the grumpy Lexa who tried to cuddle into the covered body, grunt.

"Sorry, sorry," Costia would say apologetically and take off the robe.

Tonight was no different. Costia got up, rubbed her eyes and was about to walk to the door when her half asleep lover mumbled "robe." Costia nodded even though Lexa wasn't actually conscious enough to notice. She put her robe on and shuffled to the door.

"What is it, Gustus?" She asked, not harshly, she knew the man wouldn't wake them up unless he thought it was important.

 ** _"Apologies, Fosgona,"_** Gustus offered respectfully. It's been a very long time since he doubted her. The Commander's guard admired their wise, loyal, and charismatic leader. **_"A rider came from trikru territories. Linkoln?"_**

 ** _"Link is here?"_** Costia was now fully alert. Her friend wouldn't rush to the capital in the middle of the night if it wasn't important. She feared the worst.

 ** _"Yes, Fosgona, he says that the chief of Ton DC is dead,"_** Gustus explained.

Costia sighed in relief internally. It wasn't one of their loved ones. The chief of Ton DC was a subject of criticism for a very long time. He was an obese man who, Costia knew, didn't take good care of his health. He was also a lousy leader. This wasn't a complete surprise, still, it required quick handling. A village, especially a strategic one like Ton DC shouldn't remain vulnerable for too long.

 ** _"I wasn't sure there was much to do with it until the morning, but I figured Heda should know,"_** Gustus explained apologetically.

 ** _"No, Gustus, it's fine, you made the right call, thank you. I'll tell her and let her decide."_** Costia assured. **_"Could you please send someone to make sure Linkoln gets a decent guest room for the night? And tell him that if we choose to do something tonight we'll come and find him."_**

 ** _"Yes, Fosgona. He actually also delivered a letter from your family,"_** he added and handed her the aforementioned letter.

 ** _"Thank you, Gustus, that'll be all,"_** she smiled kindly and he knew he'd been dismissed.

Costia walked toward the bed, checking the contains of the envelope. The letter she'd read in the morning, she knew, but there was another small object in the envelope that made her smile.

Costia sat crossed legged on the bed distractedly and Lexa immediately snuggled into her knee, grunting the moment she felt the knee was covered by fabric versus being not covered at all. "Robe," she whined through a yawn.

"Sorry, sorry!" Costia remembered and took the robe off and got into bed again, fully this time.

"What did Gustus want?" Lexa asked through another yawn.

"Linc rode in," Costia explained, making Lexa's eyes snap open.

"What's wrong, is everyone…"

"Everyone is fine, Alex," Costia assured, cupping her lover's cheek. "Well, everyone except for the chief."

"He's dead?" Lexa asked in concern.

"Yeah, I'm not sure about the details but I figured if it mattered we can go see Linc now."

"No, no. This can wait until morning," Lexa brushed off. This was an inconvenience. Losing a leader always was.

 _But maybe it's an opportunity, too._ She thought and realized Costia was staring at her.

"What?" she demanded with a soft smile.

"You'll need to appoint a new chief," Costia pointed out. "I wonder whom that would be," she added innocently.

"You know my brain too well, Cos," Lexa chuckled. "It's unnerving at times."

"Shush, you love it," Costia teased and leaned in to kiss Lexa.

"I love **you** ," Lexa clarified once they broke the kiss. "Except, why is there an envelope on my stomach?"

"Oh! Sorry, it's a letter from father. I'll read it tomorrow," Costia promised. They were already wide awake, may as well use that time for something… enjoyable.

"But," Costia added, "he did send this," she turned the envelope upside down and a little wooden object fell into her palm. It had the exact same shape as Lexa's forehead piece, but the quality was much better, the woodwork was superior, and the details were very nuanced.

"It's beautiful!" Lexa called in awe and took it in her hand to examine it better. "Did he…?"

"Carve it for you? Of course," Costia chuckled lovingly. "There's a note, too," Costia added and took the separate note out. She gave it to Lexa who read it out loud.

 ** _"To our Heda._**

 ** _Lead wisely,_**

 ** _Lead strongly,_**

 ** _Lead compassionately._**

 ** _(and keep Kostia out of trouble. You are the only one who can.)"_**

Costia groaned and stuck her head face down into the pillow, making Lexa laugh genuinely. She kept reading while scratching Costia's bare back with her free hand.

 ** _"Love, your family."_**

Lexa was incredibly touched.

"Remember, this is solely decorative, I don't want you to go into battle with my father's gift and lose i… You're not going to cry, are you?" Costia challenged once she noticed her lover started to tear up.

"No, no!" Lexa promised but she wasn't sure she could keep that promise. "Help me put it on?" Lexa asked and already stretched her arm to the night stand to get the glue.

"No," Costia grabbed her arm and stopped her. "There's time for that tomorrow. Now there's time for something else."

* * *

Lexa walked into the throne room followed closely by Costia and a couple more members of the guard. She climbed to the throne, still followed by Costia who now stood herself behind Lexa and to her side. Lexa also remained standing. She was sporting her new forehead piece. Not that anyone but Costia would notice, but they both knew, and it made them both happy.

Also in the room were the **_trikru_** ambassador, Titus, who was now climbing the throne to stand by Costia's side, Lincoln, who was sneaking smiles at Costia and was waiting to hear which news to carry back home, and Indra, always the loyal advisor and another leading member of **_trikru_**.

 ** _"As all of you know by now, the chief of Ton DC had died,"_** Lexa stated officially. **_"I will ride to Ton DC in a day but first I must appoint a new chief. Before I do, does any of you have anything to declare?"_**

 ** _"Heda,"_** Indra stepped forward, **_"If I may, I must recommend Nardo. He has become a symbol, and he is a good man. The people will follow him."_**

Costia smirked. She anticipated this.

 ** _"No, not Nardo,"_** Lexa declined casually, **_"he's a great man, it's true, but this is home we are talking about, it needs the very best. It needs someone who can lead on top of being a great warrior."_** Indra looked at Costia to see how the **_Fosgona_** would take the rejection of her father. Costia seemed unfazed.

 _Clearly, she's in the know,_ Indra realized.

 ** _"Who, then?"_** Indra inquired in confusion.

 ** _"You, of course,"_** Lexa stated challengingly. She wasn't going to pretend like she wasn't enjoying the moment.

 ** _"Me? No,"_** Indra objected, **_"My place is beside you, Heda."_**

 ** _"Did you just say no to me?"_** Lexa warned, which silenced Indra. **_"You dedicated years of your life to me, Indra,"_** Lexa continued. **_"You still will, but in a different way. You got me so far, now it's time I let you go home to take care of the place that I call home."_**

Indra locked eyes with her Commander and realized it wasn't a punishment, it was a gesture of honor. She walked toward Lexa and stood right beneath the steps so the ambassador won't hear her words.

 ** _"I'm only agreeing to this because I know Costia would be here to make sure you don't do anything foolish,"_** she stated confidently.

Costia snorted but Lexa remained unimpressed.

 ** _"You're forgetting yourself, Indra,"_** Lexa pointed out, but she was working very hard to hide the smile that was emerging. Indra noticed.

 ** _"Yes, Heda, sorry Heda, thank you, Heda,"_** Indra offered, not even trying to hide her own smile.

 ** _"You'll ride home at dusk,"_** Lexa added, louder now so the ambassador and Lincoln could hear as well. **_"Linkoln will accompany you, the Fosgona and I will follow you in a day for the funeral. Let it be known that Indra kom trikru is the new chief of Ton DC."_**

* * *

 ** _"Don't you need to pack?"_** Costia asked her friend who warned her not to move as he was sketching her in his notebook. He's been doing more and more of that since he came back from his travels. Drawing was actually a habit he picked up on his journeys so he could remember, and show what he had seen. Costia was grateful. There were some gorgeous things in his book. Some useful things, too.

 ** _"Kos, I came for a day, how much do you think I brought with me?_** " he teased.

Costia scoffed. She was grateful Lexa granted her a couple of hours to spend with her friend. They hardly saw each other anymore.

 ** _"You need to visit more often,"_** Costia encouraged. **_"I miss you."_**

 ** _"I miss you, too, but it's not like you have the time to see me when I'm here,"_** he pointed out.

 ** _"That's not true! See? Lex gave me some time to see you. And you know… chances are I'll see you more often if you're here more often!"_**

 ** _"I'll see what I can do,"_** he smiled softly and turned his notebook to show her the result.

 ** _"Wow,"_** Costia said, impressed. **_"You make me look like I am pretty, or something."_**

 ** _"You are,"_** he confirmed. **_"Pretty, or something."_**

They exchanged gentle grins until Costia shoved his shoulder. **_"Go pack. I'm going back to someone who is prettier than the both of us,"_** she declared happily. **_"I'll see you in a day."_**

* * *

Costia walked toward the Commander's quarters.

Members of the guard greeted her with " ** _Fosgona_** " and a respectful bow.

 ** _"Is she in there, Thomas?"_** she asked one of her subordinates.

 ** _"Yes, Fosgona,"_** the man confirmed.

 ** _"Thank you,"_** she said and entered the room.

Lexa was on the couch, taking a short nap. She didn't get much sleep the night before but she stirred when Costia entered the room, sensing that her lover was in close proximity.

"Hey, my love," Costia offered softly and crouched before the couch so Lexa, who seemed quite comfortable, won't have to move. It's been a long time since a young Lexa was transfixed by the material of the sofa in the mountain. She was the Commander now. She had the best Polis could offer. "Taking a little break?" Costia inquired lovingly.

"I have some time until the next meeting," Lexa confirmed and set her hand forward to caress Costia's cheek. "You've been gone too long."

"I've been gone two hours," Costia chuckled.

"However long you are gone is always too long," Lexa stated genuinely, moving her hand to Costia's neck so she could pull her in for a soft, sweet kiss.

When they broke apart Lexa looked at her lover cautiously. "You're not mad about your father, are you? That I didn't pick him?"

Costia snorted. "Father would make an awful politician," Costia pointed out, sitting herself on the floor to ease the pressure on her knees. She laced her fingers with Lexa's. "Besides…" she added, took out the letter from her pocket and handed it to Lexa.

Lexa released Costia's hand so she could read the letter.

"They're thinking about moving to Polis permanently?" Lexa asked in excitement.

"Yeah," Costia confirmed. "It makes sense. They want to be closer to us now that it's even harder than before to get to see us. And in a few years Aden will have to move here anyway. Might as well make it an easier transition for him by making Polis his home. So even when he's in class he'll know he's still home and that his family is close by," Costia summarized the rest of the letter.

Lexa nodded, she liked the idea and by looking at her lover's face she knew Costia did, too. But there was something else there.

"What is it, my love?" Lexa asked tenderly.

"I love that they want to be closer, it's just… it makes me sad to have less and less ties to Ton DC," Costia explained painfully.

"And the mountain," Lexa knowingly added the missing piece of the puzzle, making her lover nod in confirmation.

The last time Costia even got a glimpse of the mountain was so long ago.

"They…" Costia started hesitantly. "They sealed the entrance we've been using. I guess they somehow found out someone has been using it."

"Costia!" Lexa scolded.

"I never went in again, Alex! I made you a promise!" Costia was quick to clarify. "I just… I wanted to look at it. When I went back home after daddy found out I was a Nightblood. On the way back I just had to look at it again. I didn't know if I'll ever get to see it again," she explained, hoping her lover won't be upset or disappointed.

"I specifically asked you before that visit if you'll go to the mountain and you said no," Lexa shook her head, amused.

"And I didn't! I… observed the mountain," Costia provided sheepishly.

"I'll tell you what," Lexa started softly and sat up and pulled Costia up with her so Costia was straddling her lap. Lexa wrapped her arms around her Costia's waist. "We'll stop there on the way home from the funeral," Lexa suggested, looking into Costia's eyes adoringly.

"Alex, it's such a long detour just so I could look at the place, it's silly," Costia objected.

"No, it's not, and we're doing it," Lexa ordered.

Costia looked at her so intently that Lexa thought her lover might start crying.

"Hey, what is it?" Lexa inquired softly, cupping her lover's cheek.

"Sometimes I just don't understand what I've done in this life to deserve you," Costia bit her lip.

Lexa smiled and leaned in for a quick yet searing, kiss. "I feel the same way about you, every single day."

* * *

Notes:

1\. Just like with the discovery that Costia was a Nightblood, I wanted to give us a few solid chapters to explore not only Lexa's ascension, but also the beginning of her and Costia's relationship. But we're ready for time jumps again.

2\. "The chief of Ton DC was a subject of criticism for a very long time. "Since chapter 9, to be exact.

3\. Nardo's letter to Lexa - They are quoting the three pillars of being a Commander, of course.

4\. Spoiler – also about the letter - "Love, your family." Later on, **much** later on, in volume 2, chapter 68, Lexa comes to the conclusion that love should be the fourth pillar of being the Commander. So in a way the family included all would-be four pillars in their note.

5\. Indra's appointment to chief - when we meet Indra in canon she's the chief of Ton DC. It was time her arc met canon since we're closing in on it. And looking at canon, this story very much explains the close relationship Indra and Lexa had on the show which is important because I don't believe Lexa was as close with all of her chiefs.

6\. La-la, Hamilton references! Did you find it?

7\. Spoiler – Lincoln's notebook - Just like Luna's face was found in Lincoln's notebook in canon and since she doesn't exist here, it's Costia's face we have. Later it would be this drawing that will lead to Octavia's recognition of Costia (even though Lincoln never spoke about her after her capture by the Ice Nation.)

8\. The mention of the material of the sofa on the mountain - chapter 2, first time they visited the mountain.

9\. "However long you are gone is always too long," Just a variation of "I always miss you when I'm not with you," which is a thing they say.

10\. Costia's ambivalence about her family moving to Ton DC - I get this on a personal level. I moved to the US and over the years more and more of my friends left home. There's way less people to see whenever I go back to visit.


	34. De Seken Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

 _3 Months Later…_

Costia walked into the Commander's quarters and found Lexa meditating on the floor, leaning with her back on their bed.

Costia had to lead the daily Commander's guard briefing and was surprised when her subordinates told her the Commander retired to her room.

Now it made sense, though. When her lover was seeking solace, or needed an advice, when something was on her mind and Costia wasn't around, that's what she'd do - go into the Flame, or something. Costia wasn't sure how it worked exactly, but she knew Lexa would be somehow conversing with the past commanders through her meditation, gain some clarity.

Costia bent next to Lexa and whispered in her ear, softly. "When you are done talking to dead people…" she then kissed Lexa's neck, letting her know exactly what would happen once she was done, and making her lover snap out of her meditative mode instantly.

"I'm done talking to dead people," she stated immediately, sending Costia a suggestive grin.

Costia smiled back and sat herself next to her loved one.

"Are you meditating or are you repenting?" Costia inquired cautiously, knowingly.

"What do I have to repent for?" Lexa huffed and tried to get up and escape the conversation but Costia grabbed her arm and wouldn't let her move. She climbed onto Lexa's lap and straddled her, locking her in place but also increasing their physical closeness.

"You kicked the Shallow Valley delegate off the tower, Alex." She was referring to their morning meeting. It wasn't the first time Lexa did something like that in the nine months since she'd become the Commander. It wasn't the first time they had this conversation, either.

"I had to," Lexa glared at Costia, challenging her lover to criticize her actions.

"I'm not saying you didn't," Costia offered gently, cupping her over's cheek. The clan's demands in order to join Lexa's coalition were outrageous and Lexa was already on edge considering it was the clan that was responsible for her parent's deaths and the deaths of so many other residents of Ton DC all those years ago.

"And he should've known better," Costia joked. She really wasn't there to give her lover scorn, she was there to support her. "Honestly, Alex, I don't know why people keep walking with you to that balcony."

"Cos…" Lexa tried to at least look away. She knew how her lover felt about killing.

"Alex, I'm not judging you," Costia cupped Lexa's other cheek, forcing Lexa to look at her. "Remember, I don't think you are some sort of a monster."

Lexa looked unconvinced.

"I found you on the floor because you feel what you've done today. You care. But you still have to lead and it means a show of power on occasion. The day you stop caring about taking a life is the day I will be worried about what you've become. Now I'm just worried about you. Do you want to talk about it?" Costia asked, kissing the side of Lexa's forehead, just next to Lexa's forehead piece, carved by Nardo. Costia was trying to let her lover know that they were okay.

"No," Lexa blurted painfully. She did what she had to do, it didn't mean that she liked it.

"Okay then. Are **you** okay?" That was the only thing Costia cared about at that moment.

"I will be," Lexa took a deep breath. "And when I do something like that, they fear me."

"They do," Costia confirmed with a sad smile. Lexa was the best person she'd ever known. Costia thought that she deserved to be loved, not feared, but life put them in these circumstances and they did the best they could.

Lexa looked into Costia's eyes and knew exactly what Costia was thinking. Lexa was grateful, because she knew that she **was** loved. It wasn't just Costia, though even if it was, it would be enough. But no, Lexa knew the people loved her, too. Especially since they saw that she was working towards a bigger coalition, towards uniting all the twelve clans. Nine months as **_Heda_** and Waldron's eight clans' coalition already turned into nine. She was negotiating with the remaining three, but, as expected, the Shallow Valley Clan and **_Azgeda_** gave her a hard time. But she wasn't put off by the challenge. They were going to be a ten clans' coalition before the end of her first year as the Commander. She knew that.

And yet, when Costia was sitting so close to her, looking at her adoringly, knowing even without words what was going on in Lexa's head and what had to be done for the bigger picture, Lexa had to ponder that one thing that would pop into her head on occasion.

"Sometimes I wonder if you should've won the conclave," she confessed quietly, looking down somewhat in shame, somewhat in self-doubt.

"No," Costia objected immediately. She put a finger on Lexa's chin, forcing Lexa to look at her again. "I lost my mom, I wasn't strong enough to deal with the thought of losing you, too. You were always the right person for this job. You are so much stronger than I am," she provided with glassy eyes.

Sometime Costia looked at her so intently that Lexa felt like she was going to pass out just because she couldn't contain how incredible the purity of Costia's love made her feel.

"It appears that I wasn't strong enough to deal with the thought of losing you, either," she pointed out with a bitter scoff.

"Maybe we were **both** strong," Costia shrugged. "My father didn't say much after the conclave, but he did say "you did it, you found a way." Maybe we didn't lose. Maybe we both **won** ," Costia offered softly. She never told that to Lexa before.

"I think maybe you are right," Lexa considered the new idea. She liked the way that notion felt. It made her feel a bit more convinced.

 _Maybe it was always about a partnership._

"But only one could lead," Costia added, reading Lexa's mind as always. "And you are still the best person for this job, Alex," Costia bit her lip, giving Lexa that same intense gaze.

"Why?" Lexa shook her head. Costia was so stubborn. But it was okay, because Costia was being stubborn in her belief in Lexa.

"Because I never wanted it," Costia reminded simply. "That alone is a reason enough why I shouldn't have gotten it. You have faith, I don't. I wish I did. Faith is beautiful. The people deserve someone with faith. And, **you** were the one who found a way. Not us. It was you," Costia concluded and swallowed hard. She was so in love with the young woman in front of her who gifted her with her life, and a future, and a partner.

Lexa seemed to acknowledge the truth in Costia's words, but it didn't ease the nagging feeling that the future needed to be addressed. Costia was right. Lexa did care about her people, had faith in what they could become, and it was her duty to those people who made her speak of a subject that she knew Costia would absolutely detest.

"What happens if I die, Cos? What's the contingency plan?" Costia was so unnerved by the question that her hands dropped from Lexa's cheeks. But Lexa wasn't done yet. "Do you go back to the conclave pool? If you fight again you have to win," Lexa ordered.

"I can't fight again, I was already in a conclave. And god knows I won't let Aden be my superior, so just don't die," Costia joked, trying to ass levity of the moment. She lived for years thinking "what if?" What if she wasn't a Nightblood? What if she wasn't discovered? All she ever wanted was to get to love Lexa and be loved by Lexa and she never thought she'd have that. All she had was what ifs. It was the positive kind. The kind of "what if something good happened?" But somehow the stars aligned and there she was, sitting on Lexa's lap, Lexa's arms around her waist, living her farfetched what if. There was one "what if" she'd never be okay with. She wasn't going to think about what happens if Lexa died. Instead, she'd dedicate her life to make sure it didn't happen.

"This isn't just about the command, Cos. The Flame is going to have my spirit, my essence, my soul. If anyone is going to carry those I want it to be you."

Costia glared at her and Lexa could tell her lover was upset.

"Costia…" she sighed. This mattered to her. This was a serious conversation. She wished that all she could think about was Costia and herself. But she had a responsibility. She had nine clans, at least, that depended on her.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Commander," Costia spat, "but I have every intention of dying before you and absolutely no intention of living in a world without you," she concluded harshly.

"Don't say that," Lexa scolded painfully. "Don't be selfish." This was bigger than them. Not to mention Lexa couldn't even fathom the thought of outliving Costia, either. It was too painful.

Costia examined her lover's face and knew that she hit a nerve. Maybe more than one.

"I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "How about we both just stay alive?" she offered with a bittersweet smile.

"That's nice in theory. But if something does happen, you're the only one I trust enough to do what's right for our people," Lexa pointed out in seriousness. "We don't even have new novitiates yet, but even when we do, I can't imagine any of them would have half of your wisdom, or your heart," Lexa cupped Costia's cheek and caressed it with her thumb. "Your brain and your heart are so beautiful, so special."

If the stakes weren't so high and intense and the subject at hand wasn't so dramatic, it would've been such a beautiful love declaration, Costia thought.

"Is that really what you'd want?" She inquired brokenly. "For me to take over?"

"Yes," Lexa confirmed. She almost seemed tormented. She knew what she was asking of her lover.

"Alex, I love you, I hear you, I do. But we're here now, we're alive and together. We never thought we'd make it to this point," Costia reminded sadly, tightening her hold on Lexa's back. "Let's not worry ourselves with the unknown," she nearly begged.

Lexa nodded, a bit disappointed. She wanted Costia to commit to what she herself perceived as the right thing.

Costia saw her lover's struggle and realized she'd have to say the words. It wasn't enough for her to know that she'd do anything Lexa would want her to, even if Lexa was gone. Not anymore. Lexa had to know that, too. Lexa needed a promise.

"That said," Costia started quietly and gulped, "I will always respect your wishes. Always."

Lexa searched Costia's eyes in surprise. She knew Costia just made a vow to her, and she knew that she was asking Costia for a sacrifice. And Costia gave it to her. Costia acknowledged that she'd be willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe not for the people, but for **her.**

Even if it wasn't for what Lexa perceived as the right reasons, it was enough, Lexa knew, thinking that at the end of the day Costia had never let her down.

 _Now we just stay alive and make sure we never need to put this vow to a test._

"So," Lexa started casually, finally willing to change the subject. "You said something about let you know when I'm done talking to dead people?"

Costia smiled gratefully. Not only was she happy to finally escape the suffocation of the previous subject, but to exchange that for what was coming? She leaned in to capture her lover's lips. Lexa could feel her smile through the kiss.

 _Maybe there's hope for this afternoon, yet,_ Costia thought.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Lexa's habit of kicking people off the balcony - I hardly believe the Ice Nation's ambassador Lexa kicked off the tower in canon was the first one to receive that treatment. We know Lexa is compassionate, but she's still the Commander. I wanted to explore her state of mind when it came to this specific erm… exit strategy.

2\. The mention of Lexa's parents' death - What they refer to as "Ton DC's darkest hour," the night during which 50 people died. Lexa tells Costia about it on chapter 11.

3\. I sacrificed grammar here for the sake of another Hamilton reference.

4\. When we meet Lexa in canon her coalition already includes all twelve clans and we learn from Titus later that Lexa was the one who brought them together. She mentioned it as a fantasy of hers at a very young age (chapter 3), as something she would do if she indeed become the Commander, and now we're seeing the process itself. We see the coalition slowly being formed.

5\. Huge spoiler – it's important to understand what a fundamental part of Costia keeping Lexa alive is. It's in her core. That's why in volume 2 she so strongly feels like she failed Lexa. That's why she does whatever she can to undo Lexa's death.

6\. Spoiler – "I have every intention of dying before you and absolutely no intention of living in a world without you," this is extremely painful because she both "died" before Lexa **and** was forced to live in a world without her.

7\. Spoiler - "Is that really what you want? For me to take over?" That's part of why Costia was certain that by escaping **_Azgeda_** and ascending she was doing what Lexa would've wanted her to do.


	35. De Seken Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

 _3 Months Later…_

Lexa was wondering where Costia was. Once the guard's daily debrief was over, Costia sent Gustus to the throne room to be by Lexa's side. He noted that the **_Fosgona_** was held back but he didn't have further details and the not knowing was nagging at Lexa. She tried to focus on the ambassador that was currently speaking.

Not a moment later Costia burst into the room. She looked around the room in surprise.

 ** _"Apologies, Heda. I didn't know the meeting was still going."_** She seemed troubled.

 ** _"What is it, Kostia?"_** Lexa asked, masking her concern just enough for the ambassadors to miss, but not enough for her lover to miss.

 ** _"It's alright, it can wait,"_** Costia rubbed her forehead distractedly.

 ** _"Kostia,"_** Lexa demanded in that tone that said "don't argue with me, not in this room."

 ** _"Permission to leave Polis for a couple of days, Heda,"_** Costia finally blurted. It was then that Lexa saw it in her eyes – pain, hurt, and a lot of it, too.

 ** _"What happened?"_** She asked softly. She knew Costia would never consider leaving her side for multiple days unless something bad happened.

Costia swallowed hard and blinked a few times. **_"My father is dead,"_** she stated in a steady voice. Lexa stood up from her throne immediately. Costia tried to keep a brave face but Lexa knew her, loved her almost their entire lives, she heard the heartbreak as Costia spoke. **_"Anya rode in to deliver the news,"_** Costia added, face expressionless.

Lexa didn't know what to say. She stared at Costia, not believing the information, subconsciously touching her forehead piece, carved by the man they just lost. They saw him only a week before.

 _What happened?_ She wondered in sorrow. _They were about to move here._

 ** _"If you allow,"_** Costia continued mechanically and gestured at Gustus, **_"I could arrange for Gustus to be by your side in the next few days during the day shift, and…"_**

Lexa raised her hand to stop her and walked down the stairs, meeting Costia in the middle of the room.

"I'm coming with you," she stated, switching to the language they used when it was just the two of them. Costia looked up and saw nothing but softness in the Commander's eyes.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Titus tried cautiously, reaching the two. He knew where Lexa was coming from, he even wished he could support her decision, but he felt obligated to voice his concerns. **_"Leaving Polis for one man's funeral…"_**

 ** _"He is one of the best warriors in the clans, Titus,"_** Lexa reminded harshly, **_"he's also the man who raised me."_**

Titus nodded. He didn't want to argue this in the first place, but it was his duty.

"Go pack," Lexa told her lover. "Titus will cancel the rest of today's meetings. I'll join you soon," she promised. She wanted to say more, she wanted to take her lover in her arms, but she couldn't. Not in front of all these people.

Costia nodded and turned to leave. Titus followed her to the door.

 ** _"I'm truly sorry about your father,"_** he bowed and she knew he meant it.

 ** _"Thank you, Titus,"_** she replied, forcing herself to give him a tiny smile of gratitude.

 ** _"Keep her safe."_**

 ** _"You know I always do."_**

It was the truth. Even with all their differences, he knew Costia would lay down her life for their Commander.

* * *

Lexa entered their room and found Costia almost done packing. Costia heard her come in but didn't acknowledge her presence. It was one of those moments when Lexa wished she wasn't the Commander. When she wished she didn't have to put Costia second because she had things she had to wrap up. She couldn't just drop everything and be there for Costia right away no matter how much she wanted to. But she was there for her now and she was hoping it would be enough because she was devastated as well and she needed comfort just as much as she wanted to give it.

She walked to Costia's side and grabbed her hand to stop her from packing.

"My love…" she offered and pulled Costia into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry." That was it. All of Costia's defenses were gone as she fell apart in her lover's arms, sobbing, shivering.

Lexa was wondering if she had ever seen Costia cry like that and realized she hadn't, not since they were six years old and Lexa found her alone in the woods. Maybe not even then.

She didn't know what to say so she just tried to give the girl she loved the feeling of safety Costia needed in order to fall apart.

Not long after, she started crying as well, quietly, but still, mourning the man who treated her like she was his own most of her life.

She gently pushed Costia into the bed. They laid there until they couldn't cry anymore. Costia exhausted herself completely and Lexa let her sleep in the safety of her embrace. She knew it won't be a long slumber, but with the journey ahead and the sheer heartbreak, she figured she'd give Costia that time.

 _Sleep, my love. When you wake up we can leave to say goodbye to your father._

 _Our father._

* * *

"What is it, Alex," Costia asked gently. They were riding side by side in silence, six more guards at a safe distance behind them, giving them privacy. They spent most of the way like this. If it were any other two people it would have felt awkward and strained, but Lexa and Costia were used to exist by each other's side in comfortable silence. Many nights one of them would read while the other dried her hair and vice versa. They didn't need to use words to convey their feelings and the quiet didn't burden either of them. But the closer they got to Ton DC the more obvious it was that something was bothering Lexa. Something other than the very clear disaster that just struck their little family.

"It's nothing, Cos."

"Alex, this isn't your throne room, and I'm not your **_Fosgona_** right now," Costia warned. "Tell me, please," she pleaded.

Lexa took a deep breath. She didn't want to say this but she felt like she owed Costia an apology.

"You came to Polis to be with me in case my days were numbered and instead **his** days were numbered. This is my fault," Lexa shared guiltily. "By bringing you to Polis I almost cost you your life and now this…"

"Don't," Costia ordered sharply. "You didn't **bring** me to Polis. I came to be with you because I loved you. You always try and take the blame for everything. Me being discovered as a Nightblood, me being in the conclave, me not being here with him," Costia shook her head sadly. "It's not on you. I know you loved him too, and I know that if you place the blame somewhere it makes it somehow easier, but I made my own decisions. I wanted to be in Polis with you, more than anything in this world," Costia reminded and bit her lip when she felt the tears coming. "And I know you're also saying these things because you love me and want to give me someone to be mad at, but please, don't make my choices mean so little by saying they weren't my own."

Lexa looked at her in shock, realizing her lover was right.

"I'm sorry," she offered quietly.

"Only be sorry for the things that are actually in your control," Costia offered Lexa a sad smile and her hand. They rode the remaining of the way with fingers laced between their horses, each with one hand on the reins.

The first people they saw when they entered Ton DC and got off their horses were Nyko, Lincoln and Indra.

Anya left Polis right after she delivered the news, returning to be by Dara's side, and Aden's, now her mentee.

 ** _"Kos,"_** Nyko started and pulled his friend into a bone crushing hug. He hadn't seen her since the conclave a year prior and he hated that they kept meeting on sad circumstances. **_"I'm so sorry,"_** he offered guiltily while still hugging her. **_"Kay and I tried everything we could to help him, but it was too late."_**

 ** _"It's not your fault, Nyko. What exactly happened?"_** Costia asked in that same mechanical tone Lexa heard from her for the majority of the day.

Lincoln took a step toward her and was about to speak but Indra used her arm to stop him. She was the chief of Ton DC and they had just lost a great warrior. She was standing in front of the Commander and her First Warrior, two girls whom she loved and looked after most of their lives, and she was asked to provide an explanation as to what happened to a man they both loved. She felt it was **her** duty to provide the information, to maybe, somewhat, be at fault.

 ** _"He was out in the woods the other night, I guess he went for a walk,"_** Indra started. Her voice was steady, but full of grief.

 _Daddy always liked to clear his head at night,_ Costia reminisced and when Lexa's hand found hers she knew her lover was thinking the same thing. Lexa didn't feel like they needed to hide their physical intimacy, not in front of **these** people.

 ** _"You know where some of the private farms are,"_** Indra continued, more cautiously now. **_"It is my understanding that he may have gotten somewhat close to one of the farmhouses and the owner heard the noise and threw a spear in his direction thinking it was an animal. He didn't even aim at the noise, just at its general area to scare the animal away and…"_**

 ** _"Wait,"_** Costia shook her head in denial, **_"you are trying to tell me that my father, the great warrior, was killed by some random accident?"_** she started her sentence softly but by the time she finished she was furious and completely shattered all at once. Lexa wanted to wrap her arms around Costia and take her far, far away, but she couldn't. She knew Costia had to hear this in order to believe it. Lexa herself needed that, too.

 ** _"I am sorry, Kostia,"_** Indra offered genuinely. She walked closer to the young woman and put her arms on Costia's shoulders. Costia was taller now, but she was still the shortest one in presence. She locked eyes with Indra and could see the pain and remorse there. Indra lost a friend, too.

 ** _"We have the man,"_** Indra continued, hoping that the notion that Nardo's murderer was caught would give Costia some peace of mind. **_"We figured Heda would deliver his punishment,"_** Indra now looked at Lexa.

 ** _"He is Kostia's,"_** Lexa replied quickly and her lover's face shot up to look at her in puzzlement. **_"His life is yours, my love,"_** Lexa repeated gravely. She knew this wasn't exactly an honor in Costia's eyes, but as the oldest child to her father it was Costia's duty to avenge him. Costia had to do it.

 ** _"I can't even think about that right now. I'm going to see my family,"_** Costia stated bitterly and left them all standing there, watching her go as she walked toward the bungalow which original owner was now gone.

* * *

They were standing in front of the pyre. Aden was positioned between Dara and Costia. They both offered him a hand but the now six and a half year old Nightblood refused.

 _He's around the age Costia and I were when we first met,_ Lexa observed, trying to recall if she, too, was as stubborn and tried to always appear strong. She assumed she did.

She herself was standing by Costia's side, examining her lover's profile every now and then. Costia was hugging herself, her expression appearing indifferent, but Lexa knew there was a storm brewing inside. Costia didn't even seem like she heard any of Indra's words as the chief of Ton DC was delivering a beautiful eulogy for a fallen hero. Lexa spoke first. She felt bad leaving Costia's side, especially when Costia didn't even look at her direction when Lexa delivered the eulogy, but Lexa felt like she needed to speak. Not because the Commander had to, but because Lexa wanted to honor the man who raised her.

But that was a few minutes prior and now Indra was wrapping up and before Costia knew it the torch was handed to her. She didn't even realize. Lexa grabbed it from Indra and squeezed Costia's arm softly, bringing her to the present. Costia gave Lexa a questioning look, then, she realized what Lexa was handing her.

She took the torch hesitantly and walked to the head of the pyre.

 _I do this and he's really gone,_ she thought.

 _He is gone no matter how long I stall._

She looked up and saw that Dara was crying quietly while Aden was staring straight at her, as if he didn't quite understand what she was waiting for. And then there was Lexa. One look into Lexa's eyes and her lover closed the distance between them and put her hand on Costia's hand which was holding the torch. Lexa could feel the subtle shake in Costia's hand.

"Together," Lexa offered lovingly and Costia agreed with a nod.

Costia swallowed hard, then finally spoke the words.

 ** _"Yu gonplei ste odon,"_** she blurted in a broken voice. She felt Lexa's hand steadying hers as Lexa directed the torch to the wood. But it was up to Costia to make the final step and actually lit the pyre. She did.

As the pyre was catching fire Costia dropped Lexa's hand and started walking, leaving everyone behind, again.

* * *

Lexa didn't want to fight with her lover. They hardly ever fought, but it was more than that, she knew Costia was in deep, excruciating pain. Yet they wouldn't be them if they didn't make the other one face harsh truths when it was necessary.

She walked into the bungalow, finding Costia, as expected, in their old bedroom, sitting on the bed with her face in her palms. She seemed completely defeated.

Lexa sat down next to Costia and put a gentle hand on her lover's back.

"You left Dara and Aden alone," Lexa pointed out. She wasn't trying to provoke Costia, but she wanted her to understand that she was needed. Heck, Lexa needed her, too.

Costia looked up and laughed bitterly. "I told you, I warned you I'm not good at dealing with loss. I get selfish. I lose sight of anything else," Costia admitted painfully. She didn't want to feel this way, but she did. Just the thought of leaving in a world without Lexa made her kill three of her novitiate friends.

"Just at first, maybe," Lexa objected. "Then you go back. You go back and you make amends."

Costia knew that Lexa, too, was referring to the conclave. She didn't let Lexa deal with the loss alone that night. They dealt with it together. They shared the burden of the conclave's outcome. Costia didn't run from her.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," Costia offered softly, cupping her lover's cheek, "I know you are hurting, too. I don't know what to do with this hole inside of me or how to ignore it long enough to be there for you guys."

"We'll figure it out, together," Lexa grabbed Costia's wrists and leaned her forehead against hers.

They heard the door open and soon after Dara called.

 ** _"Kostia? Indra is outside for you."_** Dara's voice was shaky and Costia knew something was wrong. She walked out of the room at once, seeing both Dara and Aden staring at her miserably. Then, she walked out of the bungalow where Indra, Lincoln and Anya stood. A tied man was on his knees next to them.

 ** _"This is the man,"_** Indra stated simply. **_"He brought Nardo's body. He didn't even try to deny it or run."_**

 ** _"Where would I run?"_** The man asked brokenly, mostly himself. **_"My houmon_** ** _and kids are here, my land is here. If I run I leave them defenseless."_** He started crying silently, accepting his fate.

Costia looked at him peculiarly. She could feel Lincoln's eyes on her, wondering what she was going to do.

 ** _"Thank you,"_** Costia said to those around her.

 ** _"Jus drein jus daun,"_** Anya recited and handed Costia a knife. **_"Justice is yours."_**

Costia sighed. **_"Get up,"_** she told the man who followed suit without the slightest objection.

She led him outside the gates of Ton DC and into the woods. Anya and Indra were surprised, but if Costia didn't want the man's execution to be a public affair, it was her choice.

* * *

Costia dragged the man deep into the woods. She wasn't even sure where she was headed, she was going through the motions.

The man didn't attempt to say anything. He probably realized she wasn't entirely present. Eventually, after a couple of hours of aimlessly walking, she realized the sun was setting and she stopped abruptly.

They weren't alone. Lexa was watching her from the top of a tree, like when they were kids, like she did on the day she found her, before she knew that the person she was looking down upon from the top of a tree was her other half.

Indra and Anya both argued when she left to follow Costia and dismissed the rest of her guard, but no one could tell her what she could or couldn't do, and if someone was to spy on Costia from a safe distance, violate her privacy, it may as well be Lexa and Lexa alone. She just wanted to make sure her lover was okay. She was worried about Costia's state of mind when Costia left the village.

Costia let go of the man and he turned to look at her. She seemed like she wasn't sure what to do next.

 ** _"I want you to know that I'm sorry about your father. I'd never hurt a soul_** ," the man offered genuinely. He didn't try to weasel his way out of his punishment, he just wanted to leave the world with a somewhat clearer conscious. **_"It was an accident. He was a good man. He helped me years ago. I was stuck under a cart for hours until he came along."_** The guilt ridden man sniffed and Costia looked at him in shocked realization. Her first day out of the mountain, the reason her father was late to meet her. The reason she met Lexa the way she did. A meeting that altered her entire life.

 _Fate has a funny way…_

She took a deep breath and tried to sort her thoughts. She took out the knife Anya gave her and could see the fear in the man's eyes. There was acceptance there, too. He shut them, waiting for the strike and the pain that was sure to come with it.

 ** _"Killing you would be easy,"_** she pointed out, " ** _letting you live is the harder part. For both of us."_**

She used the knife to cut the rope that was binding his hands and set him loose.

 ** _"Go,"_** she ordered and it seemed like she was just a shadow of herself.

 ** _"But…"_** he was shocked, and maybe he didn't know what to do with his second chance, didn't feel like he deserved one. **_"Why?"_** he asked in utter confusion.

 ** _"Maybe one day, when someone wrongs you, when someone hurts you by accident, you would remember this and return the favor,"_** Costia explained stoically when she realized the man was too tormented to leave without an explanation. **_"Maybe that's how we evolve. Maybe something has to change. I don't know. Maybe blood doesn't always have to have blood."_** She turned around, not able to look at him anymore. **_"Now go, be good to your family. Make sure you teach your children how to grow up and be good people, like my father taught me."_**

He nodded, which she couldn't see. So he added **_"I'll never forget this."_** He hesitated but spoke again, **_"you gave me more than you'd ever realize. I hope you are right. About changing, evolving."_** He ran away before she could change her mind.

Up on the tree Lexa watched in horror as Costia let the man go. She raised her own sword, about to throw it and end the man.

"Don't," Costia commanded from below, surprising Lexa who should've known her lover would notice her presence. "You can come down now," Costia added flatly.

"What did you do?" Lexa scolded the moment her legs hit the ground.

"He made a mistake," Costia argued between gritted teeth, warning Lexa with her voice to not pursue this argument any further.

"That mistake took a father and a husband away from his family! **Your** father," Lexa yelled, they deserved this justice. Not just Costia, all of them.

"And what will I achieve by killing him?" Costia inquired, her voice so soft and broken, she was on the verge of tears.

"Vengeance," Lexa offered gently. "This is our way. He has to pay for his actions," she bargained, not in a preachy way, she wanted Costia to understand they had to do this. That not doing this will make people think Costia didn't respect her father enough.

"No," Costia objected. She put her hand on Lexa's hip, begging for Lexa to understand, to see things her way. "I'd just take someone else's father and husband," she pointed out. "This is not a war, Alex. And killing him would **not** be justice," Costia concluded and looked up at the sky, closing her eyes, wondering if she'd done the right thing by letting her father's killer go free. She looked back down, wondering if Lexa understood her. Lexa always understood her, but was this too much to ask of her lover? Has she gone too far with her beliefs?

Everything that Lexa was ever taught was screaming in her head now that Costia was being weak. Saying so was just on the tip of her tongue, except that she looked in Costia's eyes and there was such a fire there, something stronger than Lexa had ever seen from Costia before.

 _Faith,_ Lexa realized in awe. Her lover, who hardly ever believed in anything that had to do with their traditions and religion, was now looking at her with so much faith.

Lexa filed that moment in her head for later, and without saying a word, neither in support nor in objection of Costia's deeds, she turned around and started walking. Costia was by her side in a second. Lexa could feel Costia's eyes on her, but a few moments later Costia was looking forward along their path and they spoke of what happened no more.

 _The pillars,_ Lexa thought. Compassion was her favorite after all. Wasn't Costia actually exhibiting strength by being compassionate?

At some point Lexa realized Costia's mind was elsewhere again and she was following Lexa blindly. It's been hours before Costia even realized they should've been home ages ago.

When she looked up she realized where they were - by the mountain. She gasped and looked at Lexa who very knowingly led them there.

They both knew they won't make it back to Ton DC before the following day. Costia gave her lover a grateful smile and took her hand in hers.

Lexa may have been upset, she may have not flat out said that she knew where Costia was coming from, but she did this for her. It was a lot. It was everything.

"Wanna get in? For all times' sake?" Costia joked. There was no way the Commander of the ten clans would walk down the halls of Mount Weather, especially since their old way in was now blocked. But Lexa smiled at Costia nonetheless and leaned in to kiss her tenderly.

"I love you," Lexa offered sincerely when they broke apart.

"I love you, too," Costia replied immediately, giving Lexa the first real smile of the day.

"I'm so sorry about your loss," Lexa cupped Costia's cheek, caressing it softly, trying to give Costia as much comfort as she could.

" **Our** loss," Costia corrected. "And I'm sorry, too, about everything," she added with a sigh. "I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be."

Lexa looked at her in shock. "Cos, don't you ever say that. **Ever**. You are more than what I want you to be. You are what I **need** you to be." Costia looked at her unconvinced. "What you did today," Lexa started again and swallowed hard, "it's why I love you."

Costia didn't know what to say, she just nodded and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder as they watched the mountain's lights in the dark.

* * *

They arrived back at Ton DC the following morning.

 ** _"Kostia, Leksa, thank the First Commander,"_** Dara yelped the moment they walked in. **_"I was so worried. You've been gone for such a long time, I feared something happened."_**

 ** _"I'm so sorry, Dara,"_** Costia felt incredibly selfish again. She hugged Dara tightly, conveying more than she did in total since they arrived at Ton DC the day before.

 ** _"It's my fault, Dara. I took a detour,"_** Lexa offered apologetically. **_"Kos was so out of it she didn't even realize where we were going."_**

Costia rolled her eyes. **_"It wasn't her fault at all, we are still working on the whole understanding-that-Aleks-isn't-responsible-for-all-the-bad-things-that-happen thing,"_** Costia scolded and Lexa blushed in embarrassment. The scenarios in which Costia could talk so freely about Lexa in the company of others were few and numbered. This was one of those scenarios. Especially since Costia was speaking out of love.

Aden walked into the room, a serious look on his face.

 ** _"Did you do it?"_** he demanded, **_"Is it over?"_**

 ** _"No, I did not,"_** Costia grunted and walked past him. He seemed very unpleased while Dara mostly seemed surprised.

 ** _"Why?"_** he interrogated angrily and turned to Lexa. **_"How could you let her do this?"_**

 ** _"Why?"_** Costia turned to him, fire in her eyes as she gave him the answers that were really meant to answer the questions Lexa didn't get to ask her. Luckily, Lexa was there to hear the answers, too. **_"Because it will not solve any problems, it will not bring father back and it will not make you feel any better!"_** Costia spat. **_"And you do not talk to your Commander, who is basically your older sister, like that!"_** she barked and pointed at her lover who was surprised by the outburst.

Dara gave Costia a look and Costia couldn't figure out if Dara was as mad as her son was, or actually understood where Costia was coming from.

 ** _"This is weakness,"_** Aden uttered, surprising everyone in the room by saying the words Lexa thought too harsh to voice the day before.

 ** _"Weakness?"_** Costia repeated, voice laced with bitterness. **_"You know nothing of weakness. You are a little boy!"_** She yelled. **_"Do you think that's what our father would've wanted? For me to be responsible for the death of a man whose crime was that he was a lousy shot? Do you think our father would've wanted me to take the life of someone else's father?"_**

Costia shook her head in sad disappointment and left the room and everyone else behind.

 ** _"Leksa…"_** Aden started, completely thrown off by his sister's anger and clear disappointment in him. **_"Heda,"_** he corrected, ** _"what happened?"_**

 ** _"I think…"_** Lexa took a deep breath, **_"I think your sister might be right and it's just taking us some time to catch up to her way of thinking,"_** she admitted with remorse, **_"and I think your father would be happy to know Kostia didn't take this life in his name."_**

Dara nodded in agreement. As much as it was hard for her to accept the fact that no one paid the price for her husband's death, she knew and loved her step-daughter. She knew who Costia was, and she knew Lexa was right. This was not what Nardo would have wanted, not for Costia, not for any of them.

 ** _"Compassion, Aden. It's one of the pillars of being Heda,"_** Lexa explained. **_"Maybe the most important one. Consider this your first lesson before you even get to Polis."_** She smiled sadly and patted his head.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Aden is going through a change. He needs to become more similar to what we see in canon. Which is A. Not a baby anymore. B. Someone who went from joyful innocence and became a quieter, more reserved person. C. Someone who means a lot to Lexa but the warmth between them isn't what it used to be. D. Someone who may have experienced loss which filled him with anger, but learned he still needs to be respectful of certain customs. This chapter shows the beginning of that.

2\. **_houmon_** – spouse in **_Trigedasleng._**

3\. It's not a coincidence that Lincoln was the one to wonder what Costia was going to do. He was the one who killed a man who fell from the sky because he was expected to do so and he regretted it ever since. The Lincoln we meet in canon believes in another way and as always, I wanted to explore the origins of the person we later met in canon, the origins of his core beliefs.

4\. From chapter 1 – "She had clung to Lexa's hand as Lexa led them both to her father's cabin. He ran in a few minutes later, confused but relieved, explaining that he was on the way to fetch her when he found a man stuck under a cart, begging for his help. He was near tears. " I liked coming full circle on that.

5\. This was a very tough chapter to write. I really loved Nardo and I missed his presence for the rest of the story (though everyone who ever lost someone knows that they are always present.) This served a few purposes. When we met Lexa in canon, she's somewhat isolated. It made sense to me that Nardo was lost somewhere along the way (otherwise he would be around, especially with all the battles that we've witnessed.) This also put Costia in the position of choosing not to avenge him. She said that maybe blood doesn't always have to have blood. I almost had her say **_jus no drein jus daun_** but it felt too close to what Lexa and Clarke said on the show and I didn't need it to be the exact same in order for it to serve its purpose which was – the first time Lexa encounters this idea that revenge isn't always the solution. Lexa was always a compassionate person, but she played by certain rules born from the clans' traditions. Costia wasn't like that. And this isn't meant to take away from Clarke. On the contrary. I think it's a part of why Lexa loved them both. In my mind, anyway, it's because Clarke and Costia are who they are. I like the idea that Lexa was more receptive to it when she heard it from Clarke **because** she already heard it in the past. If two of her biggest loves proposed a similar idea there must be something to it. I also believe that part of what's coming with the union of all the clans was due to this attitude, that may have been damaged somewhat when Lexa lost Costia, until she had Clarke to remind her. Meaning – Lexa believed in compromising in order to make the alliance a reality. And then she was hardened by Costia's loss, but Clarke reminded her compromise and not vengeance is the way. This also sheds some light on why Lexa agreed to Clarke's proposal of not avenging the massacre that made her lose 300 of her warriors. She knew that's what Costia would've wanted, too. She was honoring Costia by choosing this path of compassion. She got very emotional, very soft when she spoke to Indra about it, almost in recognition of something she heard before.


	36. De Seken Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

 _4 Months Later..._

They were lying in bed, Costia's hand on Lexa's sternum. Occasionally, she'd trail her fingers up and down the exposed skin, making her lover hum in content. Lexa's eyes were shut and Costia was examining her profile, enjoying the chance to trace every line of Lexa's face.

"Did you ever think about sending the Boat People across the ocean?" She wondered, breaking the silence.

"That's pretty random, Cos," Lexa chuckled but didn't open her eyes. She filed the thought for later, though, like she always did when Costia said something crazy which down the line ended up being a total expression of genius.

It wasn't that random, though. Lexa was about to expand her coalition and it made Costia think about future possibilities. But the Boat clan wasn't the subject of tonight's musings.

They resumed their basking until Costia broke the silence again.

"These are the people who killed your parents and you're still letting them into your coalition," she observed quietly, changing the subject completely and making Lexa open her eyes and look at her lover. All she got from Costia was an adoring smile.

"It's the right thing to do," Lexa shrugged. Letting the Shallow Valley Clan into her coalition was not easy, but it was a crucial step on the way to unite all the twelve clans. Costia deserted Lexa's sternum in favor of Lexa's mouth. She used her thumb to trace along Lexa's bottom lip. Lexa closed her eyes in pleasure, blowing out breaths on Costia's fingers.

"You remind me so much of my father," Costia offered sadly. Lexa opened her eyes again and quirked her eyebrow.

"While I miss him too, I'm not sure that's what I want to hear when you are naked in my bed."

Costia chuckled and shook her head but then turned serious.

"What I mean is…" she paused a moment and tried to put her thoughts in order. "You both have this fierceness in you that is… intimidating but calm at the same time, like clear water," she explained and got that intense look in her eyes that Lexa knew was made especially for her and her alone.

"You and your words," she said in an almost whisper. Costia could turn her entire world upside down with a single sentence.

"And then at the same time, both of you have the purest hearts," Costia continued, ignoring the way she knew her words made Lexa feel. She was just trying to be honest and convey how much she loved Lexa. She didn't have any hidden agenda. "And you listen. Like **he** always did with my mom. Listen to new ideas, always trying to find a way."

"You taught me that, Cos," Lexa argued. If she was different than others, special, it was because she had that special person in her life who showed her other sides of right and wrong.

"No, Alex. I may have said a thing or two over the years about finding a way," Costia objected and cupped Lexa's cheek, "but I didn't teach you to listen. This is such a fundamental thing that is all you. That's how I always knew you are the right person for this," she swallowed hard, "for me."

Lexa's heart started pounding incredibly fast. She leaned in and captured Costia's lips in a searing kiss. Costia made her dizzy. Costia made her steady. She made her fall into a bottomless pit and be constantly grounded at the same time.

Lexa needed to have her, needed to give herself to her completely. She found herself on top of Costia a second later, breaking their kiss.

"Do you even know what you are?" She asked Costia breathlessly, in awe. "What sort of magic among men you actually are?" She lowered herself to her lover's body so she could kiss her again.

"You are probably the only one who thinks that," Costia smiled bittersweetly between kisses. All these years and she still didn't know her own true worth. "But you are the only one who matters," she spoke quietly into Lexa's ear, making her lover shudder.

She pushed herself up to look into Costia's eyes.

 _You are a miracle, even if you'd never realize that,_ she thought, hoping her eyes spoke her truth. _But I am always going to show you._

* * *

 ** _"We welcome Louwoda_** ** _into our house, in the spirit of friendship and harmony,"_** Lexa started with the traditional greeting.

She could feel Costia's eyes on her, burning with such ferocity that Lexa knew she won't be getting any rest that night.

She vaguely heard Titus clear his throat next to Costia who ignored him.

 ** _"We have gathered here today to initiate our brothers from Loudwoda into the coalition,"_** the room was buzzing with excitement. For so long the Shallow Valley Clan was the enemy, now they chose the path of peace and it was all thanks to Lexa.

 ** _"To symbolize this union, the leader of Loudwoda must bare our mark,"_** Lexa nodded at the head of the clan who acknowledged her request with a respectful bow and took a few steps forward.

 ** _"Present your arm,"_** Lexa ordered and the man followed suit, hissing quietly when the mark was burned into his arm.

Once done, he turned toward the throne and got down on his knees before Lexa.

Lexa allowed herself to steal a quick glance at her lover. She thought she never saw Costia look at her like that before. It was that same intense look but in a tenfold. The adoration, the love, Costia couldn't mask it even if she tried. Lexa could almost hear her say "you've found a way. You always do."

She turned back to the man in front of her before Costia could consume her thoughts entirely and Lexa wouldn't be able to finish what she'd started.

 ** _"Rise again, as the eleventh clan, as part of our coalition,"_** Lexa gestured with her hand, allowing a smile to sneak in when the rest of the people in attendance cheered loudly.

Later, Lexa knew, once the reception and mingling was done, there would be dancing and drinking in the streets. People, even the ambassadors, even the leaders, would celebrate.

But she only wanted to celebrate with one person, and it became crystal clear to her during the day that she wanted to celebrate so much more than the initiation of the eleventh clan.

* * *

The moment the door to their quarters was shut behind them, Costia flew into Lexa's arms, practically assaulting Lexa with her lips.

"You did it," Costia noted between heavy breaths once they broke apart. Lexa was still trapped in her embrace. "You did it all, Alexandra. God, I wish Daddy was here to see. He would've been so proud of you," she concluded in hoarse voice. She hardly ever used her lover's full name anymore, but when she did, it was always loaded, usually with passion and awe.

Everything that was happening made Lexa's body temperature skyrocket. "I didn't do it **all** , Cos," she pointed out pulling them both backwards, toward their bed.

" ** _Azgeda_** will fall in line. You will make them," Costia stated with nothing but certainty. She **knew** it would become a reality.

Their knees touched the bed and they both fell onto the mattress, Costia on top of Lexa.

"I think this coalition was your idea, in a way, years ago," Lexa smiled softly, grabbing her lover by the neck, "and you somehow planted it in my head without words. As always."

Costia looked at her weirdly and for a change, Lexa couldn't read her expression.

"What?" she asked in confusion.

"I have ideas, but you…" Costia laughed joyfully, "your mind is so beautiful, so distinguished. It takes ideas and form them into visions," she explained and Lexa could see she was almost on the verge of tears. Tears of admiration, of wanton. "And then you… it's like you lure people into submission until they execute your vision. They **want** to execute your vision. You are a god damn miracle worker, Alex," she finished, looking at Lexa like she was something sacred, something holy.

"Is that what you feel I do to you?" Lexa asked in concern, "lure you into submission?"

"You don't need to," Costia chuckled, "you've had me since we were six. God, I am so in love with you." She leaned in and kissed Lexa with so much fervor, Lexa's head was spinning. She had to lean out for a second, look at the person who always looked at her like no one and nothing else existed.

 _Now._

"Cos?" she started nervously. It was silly, she shouldn't have been nervous at all.

"Mmm?" Costia hummed but leaned in again to recapture her lover's lips. She couldn't keep her hands off Lexa a moment longer. Going through the entire initiation ceremony was torturous enough. She wanted Lexa. She wanted Lexa everywhere.

"Let's get the tattoos," Lexa breathed out through a moan when Costia left her mouth in favor of her neck. Costia stopped immediately and pushed herself up to search Lexa's eyes.

"Which tattoos?" she asked uncertainly.

"You know which ones," Lexa gave her a dazzling smile.

Costia gasped. "Are you sure? You want to spend your entire lifetime with me?"

"Of course," Lexa swallowed hard, knowing that she was giving Costia that same look she always got from her lover. "You make me… you **make** me," Lexa bit her lip, but the tears came anyway. How could they not when Lexa thought about everything they've been through in order to get here. "I love you more than words can ever describe. You and I, forever. That was always the plan," Lexa reminded. She told Costia right after her ascension that one day this will happen. "I don't want to wait anymore. I mean, you are my second aren't you?" she inquired with a soft smile.

"Always," Costia answered seriously, a tear falling down along her cheek.

"I know you don't believe in these traditions," Lexa started, blushing in slight embarrassment, "but…"

"Alex, I believe in **this** one," Costia caught her off guard. "Completely," she promised.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And my answer is yes," Costia licked her lips, cheeks now soaked. Lexa squealed in pure happiness and flipped them over, kissing Costia with everything she had, only breaking their kiss moments later just so she could rub her nose with Costia's.

"You and me, forever," Costia agreed, pouring her entire soul into Lexa's through their eyes. "That was always the plan."

* * *

"Are we actually sneaking out in the middle of the night like children to do this?" Costia whined.

"I don't want to wait a second longer," Lexa turned to her and offered her a cheeky grin. "And it's not sneaking out when all the night guards saw us," she pointed out teasingly.

"I just can't believe you prefer leaving the tower in the middle of the night over what we were doing right before," Costia shook her head. "It was very… satisfying."

"Yes, but being promised to you would be even more satisfying," she stopped abruptly, making Costia walk right into her, which she took advantage of by wrapping her arm around Costia's hip and pulling her in for a passionate kiss.

"No, don't!" Costia pushed her gently. "You are distracting me. We left Gustus in the tower, I'm responsible for your safety now, do not distract me!" Costia scolded, making Lexa laugh happily.

She used her fingers to put some of Costia's hair behind her ear. "You drive me mad," she declared lovingly and stole one last kiss before she untangled herself from the embrace. She laced her fingers with Costia's and they kept walking quickly, giggling as they went.

"Which arm do you want yours on?" Lexa prompted. "I'm okay with whatever you choose."

"You are getting yours on your right arm," Costia stated matter-of-factly. "That way I'll always be standing to your right, be your right hand woman," Costia explained softly.

Lexa looked at her dumbfounded. She didn't know what to say. For quite the faithless person, Costia somehow managed to always find symbolism in everything. Lexa thought how there was no other person who was as devoted to another in the whole world as Costia was devoted to her. Lexa was wondering if she deserved being the object of such a strong emotion.

Costia leaned closer so she was mere inches from Lexa's ear. "You deserve **everything** , and I plan on giving it to you and make sure you always feel like this," she blew a shallow breath into Lexa's ear, making Lexa shiver.

Costia knew. Costia always knew.

* * *

It was the following day. Lexa hardly got any shut eye at all. Between the initiation ceremony, the celebration she did with Costia after, the sneaking out of the tower, the sneaking back into the tower and then even more celebrating, she was exhausted. She was sore, too. For all the right reasons and with a special twist of pain in her right arm. Her tattoo was beautiful all on its own, but when she was standing next to Costia, Costia's matching tattoo created a whole with her own. She couldn't help but smile as she took off her armor and considered taking a nap. Her morning meetings were over, Costia was briefing the guard, it was a golden opportunity.

Just as she was about to drop herself on the couch, a knock was heard.

 ** _"Enter,"_** she ordered, assuming it was a member of the guard, maybe even Gustus, informing her that the guard's meeting was over and the **_Fosgona_** would be back by her side soon. But instead, it was Titus.

 ** _"Heda, I'm sorry to interrupt, but the_** **_Louwoda's delegation is about to depart and…"_** he stopped abruptly.

She turned to look at him and found him with mouth agape, staring at her exposed arm. It didn't even occur to her to cover herself. She was done being with Costia on the down low. Costia wasn't just her lover anymore. Costia was her promised one. The whole point was that she could shout it from the rooftops. Costia was about to become the Commander's binded one, her **_houmon_**. No more sneaking around. Everyone knew, anyway. No one cared. No one, except for the **_Fleimkepa._**

 ** _"Heda, what is it on your arm?"_** he asked cautiously.

 ** _"It's a promise tattoo and you know that, Titus,"_** Lexa replied flatly. She wasn't going to explain this decision to her subject.

 ** _"Why do you have a promise tattoo?"_** he glared.

 ** _"Because I promised myself to someone,"_** she shrugged, putting her armor back on, realizing that her napping attempts were futile. She'd have to go and see the delegate off.

 ** _"Heda,"_** he took a deep breath, preparing himself for what they both knew was going to turn into an argument, **_"if I walk out of here to look for the matching tattoo who would have it?"_**

 ** _"You know who would have it,"_** she replied challengingly.

 ** _"You cannot bind your life to a mountain girl!"_** He was horrified, but he knew he was too late. Even though the two haven't done their ceremony yet, the promise tattoo was a sacred tradition. Only death could undo the vow that was made for a life together.

 ** _"She's a Natblida,"_** Lexa reminded quietly, venom clear in her voice, ** _"the daughter of a fierce warrior and my Fosgona. You are forgetting yourself, Fleimkepa,"_** she warned.

 ** _"No, you are forgetting yourself!"_** he shouted. **_"She has been a problem since she got here but she made you better, so I turned a blind eye. And then the perfect solution presented itself and I thought you'd kill her and that'd be the end of that! I thought you'd mourn her for a while but then you'll be stronger for it!"_**

Lexa looked at him in utter shock. His admission was on the verge of treason.

 ** _"Be very careful with what you say next, Titus,"_** she spat. **_"You already crossed a line."_**

He took a deep breath, knowing that he was walking on thin ice.

 ** _"Heda, I beg you, this is a bad idea. Your enemies will know of your weakness,"_** he pleaded. She was the closest thing he had to a child. They both knew that. His love for her was true and he was speaking out of worry. **_"It was bad enough that two Natblidas stepped out of your conclave alive. Remember, Heda is meant to be alone…"_**

 ** _"No,"_** Lexa cut him sharply. She had no patience to have this argument again. **_"You always say that but none of us is ever truly alone. I'm not alone. I have you, I have my family, I have Indra,"_** she reminded softly, thinking that if he would just understand, everything would be easier. **_"Without all of you, it's like I'm navigating alone in the dark."_**

 ** _"You are the Flame. You don't need us to see in the dark!"_** he objected. As far as he was concerned darkness could fall on the entire world, but Lexa, alone, would still be standing, shining bright.

 ** _"It's being isolated which makes us weak, teacher,"_** Lexa concluded. She wasn't mad anymore, she felt sorry for him. He dedicated his life to his duty, she did, too, but she learned how to have more. **_"I might be the Flame on my own, but with Kostia?"_** she paused, smiling as her lover's face appeared in her mind. ** _"With Kostia I'm a blazing fire."_**

* * *

Notes:

1\. **_Louwoda_** – "Shallow Valley Clan" in **_Trigedasleng._**

2\. We are now up to eleven out of the twelve clans the coalition was made of when we first met Lexa in canon. We're closing the gap with canon more and more with these last few chapters of volume 1. The text I used for the initiation ceremony was partially from what we saw on the show when **_skaikru_** joined the coalition and the rest I made up trying to keep the general vibe. We never did get to see the full initiation of the sky people because all hell broke loose. We also know that **_Azgeda_** is next on Lexa's agenda. Yet another catching up with canon's starting point.

3\. Costia knowing that **_Azgeda_** will fall in line - they did, as we know, but at a cost. Here's my terrible joke: Nia is like – "we can join your alliance, but it's gonna Costia."

4\. "You and I, forever. That was always the plan" - right after the conclave Costia was overwhelmed by the fact that for the first time ever she didn't have a plan. Except then she realized Lexa was her new plan, that they could actually have a future together. Then, in chapter 31, Lexa got her conclave tattoo and Costia was somewhat saddened by the fact that she's not represented there. Lexa's response showed that this wasn't just Costia's plan. Them, forever, was Lexa's plan, too:

"I'm not there with them," Costia observed sadly.

"And I wouldn't want you to be," Lexa pointed out. "You'll be here one day," she took Costia's hand and put it on her own right arm, where a promising tattoo would traditionally go, to mark that two people have chosen to spend their lives side by side.

5\. Regarding the promising tattoos – This actually meant a lot to me. First of all, again, we're catching up with canon. I wanted Lexa's another famous tattoo that we've seen on the show to mean something of great significance. I wanted us to be there when she got it. I mentioned earlier in the story that Alycia recently commented that this tattoo had to do with different stages of leadership, but by that point this was already written, and I wanted to keep it. The Grounders honor their kills with tattoos, Lexa honored the fallen novitiates with her back tattoo. Their society marks events of importance by putting it on their bodies. Lexa's body is relatively "clean", meaning that if she **did** get something tattooed it was of great importance. From the little we do know about the clans is seems that marriage do exist, even if, like I mentioned before, they don't use the word marriage. I had to make up a whole terminology. So instead of "engaged" I liked "promised," and instead of "married" I liked "binded." **_Trigedasleng_** has one word for spouse that works for both wife and husband and I love that. A **long** time ago, before we knew what Lexa's back tattoo was even about, I sent Kim Shumway a question. I told her I was wondering if Lexa's back tattoo was actually a promising tattoo and if maybe Costia had a matching one. I told her I was wondering if all the circles were originally white and if Lexa colored one black after Costia's death. Clearly, she couldn't tell me then what it was about, but she liked the theory. So for quite some time I liked the idea of matching promising tattoos. I like that they create something new when they stand next to each other, like each one of them is a half of a bigger picture, and I like that Lexa got to carry a piece of Costia with her, always. And since they've discussed it straight after the conclave, I loved finally bringing them to this point.

6\. Letting them sneak out in the middle of the night was so much fun. It gave me the chance of offering them a light moment to enjoy their lives, and do some role reversal. Costia was more of a rule breaker. Lexa was always the good girl. It was nice to let Lexa be the bad influence for once.

7\. **_Houmon_** – Spouse in **_Trigedasleng._**

8\. Another important thing about the tattoo – at first I thought about naming it a fealty tattoo. I know this is Lexa and Costia's story, but both me as a writer, and Lexa's character I believe, have tremendous respect for her love story with Clarke. Lexa wouldn't use the same terminology with Clarke that she used with Costia out of respect to both the women she loved. I don't think she'd specifically swear **fealty** to Clarke while carrying Costia's fealty tattoo, so I preferred choosing a different name for it, letting each love story have its own unique language.

9 " ** _Heda is meant to be alone_** " - The never ending argument with Titus about the same core subject that was always between them. It wasn't the first time they fought about the fact that to be the Commander is to be alone, and it's not the last (he tells her this exact sentence in a tone that indicates repetition in 3X07.) Every time they fight about the subject strengthens the fact that when they fought later about Clarke in 3X07 Lexa's says "this again." Here she might be respectful even though they've had this argument in the past, but on 3X07 she's at the end of her rope. And that moment in 3X07 when she finally explodes is when he mentions Costia and it being Lexa's mistakes that led to her death.

10\. I seriously am so happy they called it the Flame. I mentioned time and again how much I love using all the fire related phrases and whatnot. The last few paragraphs of this chapter were an absolute joy to write.


	37. De Seken Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

 _5 Months Later…_

Costia rode through the city gates, nodding at the guard members at the entrance. She hardly even made it through the arc when she saw that Lexa, accompanied by Gustus and a few more guards, were waiting for her.

She smiled as she got off the horse and received a dazzling smile in return.

"If I didn't know any better I'd think that you've missed me," Costia teased.

"I always miss you when you are not by my side and you know that," Lexa replied happily and laced her fingers with Costia's.

The whole city knew that they were promised to each other. Once people started getting glances of their promising tattoos it was impossible to hide that truth. But as the Commander and the **_Fosgona_** they still couldn't exhibit too much affection in public, so Lexa compromised by bringing Costia's hand to her lips and kissing it softly.

"I missed you, too," Costia sighed in content.

Ever since Nardo died Lexa urged Costia to resume her visits to Ton DC. They weren't as long or as often as they used to be before Costia became a novitiate, but still, once a month she would go for a night or two.

They didn't want to do their binding ceremony too soon after Nardo's death, either. They wanted Dara and Aden to get their footing again, to say their goodbyes at Ton DC, and have them move to Polis as Nardo originally intended. It was more important than ever, for all of them, to be in close proximity to each other. Once everyone was settled, then the two could do their ceremony.

"How was home?" Lexa inquired, comfortably putting her elbow through Costia's. That way they could maintain a physical contact and show their affection toward one another, their belonging to one another, without sharing something too intimate with the witnesses.

"It was good. It's getting better," Costia admitted. "Dara even smiled this time. A genuine smile."

"That **is** good," Lexa agreed happily. "Aden?"

"Throwing himself into training," Costia sighed. "But he was more talkative. He misses you. I can't wait until they are here and I can watch over him."

"We can fit some time in your schedule for you to train with him," Lexa offered thoughtfully. "He's going to be the best in his class someday."

"No, Alex. I'm already spending too much time away from you and you are my first responsibility," Costia objected. Her little brother was more than competent, keeping his father's legacy alive, just like his sister did.

"But you won't be going to Ton DC anymore. I can spare you for a couple of hours a week," Lexa pointed out.

"I thought you said you always miss me when I'm not by your side," Costia smirked and got a toothy grin in return. "I'll teach him after hours," Costia shrugged. "He's seven. He'll be a novitiate soon enough. He can deal with some late evening sessions," she concluded decisively.

"And then you will always be asleep when I get back at the end of the day," Lexa pouted.

"And? What's the problem with that?" Costia questioned innocently and Lexa shoved her playfully with her hip.

"The problem with that is that I won't be getting **my** after hours activities," she looked at Costia meaningfully. "And I **love** my after hours activities," she looked down at Costia's lips.

Costia swallowed hard. "Was the way from the gates to the tower always this long?" she asked in high pitch, making Lexa feel smug.

"It does seem awfully long today," Lexa observed casually, as if she wasn't already envisioning her lover's naked body in her mind. It was a great body.

 ** _"Heda!"_** someone called from the crowd. **_"Fosgona!"_**

When Lexa and Costia were out and about there was always an audience gathering wherever they went. Everyone wanted to get a glimpse of them. And even though Costia was gone for a very short amount of time, it seemed that the people of Polis were also very excited by her return. Costia was promised to their Commander, they all knew that in a short while she'll be Lexa's **_houmon_**. She was beautiful, charismatic, and good at her job. After nearly two years of seeing the Commander and her First Warrior roaming the streets of Polis together, and after months of seeing them do so as a public couple, the people admired them. If the Commander was their queen, Costia was their princess. They were viewed as an unstoppable couple, a notion that very much mirrored the way the two felt themselves.

The fact that Costia always preferred wearing short sleeves didn't help. For her it was about freedom of movement with a weapon, always being ready, but for the people it meant a glance at her tattoo quite often. It seemed that whenever one or both of their tattoos were on display, the public's excitement was even bigger.

 ** _"Heda! Fosgona!"_** someone else called when they reached the market, **_"when is the ceremony?"_**

 ** _"Is it going to be a public ceremony?"_**

"I'm surprised Titus didn't join you to welcome me at the gates," Costia pointed out nonchalantly. The comment made Lexa snort.

 ** _"Is it true that you already had the ceremony in secret?"_** they heard from another direction.

"Did we?" Costia joked.

"Maybe," Lexa shrugged. "Maybe the post ceremony celebrations were so intense I made you pass out and forget all of it," she quirked an eyebrow, teasing her lover. When they were young, before they finally spoke about their feelings, this was like a competition. Who would make who feel more flustered. But things were so different now, and Costia didn't mind getting flustered at all.[3]

"I love when you get like this," she whispered in Lexa's ear with a serious expression on her face so their audience would think whatever she said was work related. Lexa shuddered.

 ** _"We love you!"_** someone screamed.

Costia turned from Lexa and looked at the tower with that same serious expression, giving nothing away to their witnesses. "And once we get up there, **_Heda,_** we'll see who's going to pass out."

Lexa put on her poker face.

 _Two can play this game._

 ** _"Kostia!"_** someone called.

 ** _"You make a beautiful couple,"_** they heard just as they climbed into the elevator.

"Yes, **_Fosgona,"_** she agreed challengingly, **_"_** we'll see, indeed."

 ** _"Do not disturb me unless it's a life or death matter,"_** Lexa ordered Gustus. She knew Costia would be back around midday, so she made sure her schedule was clear and that Gustus would remain on duty so her lover would be free as well.

Gustus nodded at her order but she missed it entirely as she shut the door in his face ridiculously quickly.

"You know that when you do that it's very clear what's about to happen in this room," Costia chuckled.

"I don't care," Lexa stated predatorily and grabbed her lover by the hips, clashing their lips together aggressively.

"I've only been gone for three days, Alex," Costia laughed again between kisses.

"Three days too long," Lexa replied hungrily and smashed Costia's body into the closet. The impact was so strong, Lexa pushed her so hard, that Costia groaned in pain. When she turned around she saw they dented the closet which now had some black blood smeared on it. Costia knew it was from somewhere around her shoulder blade, an area that was now throbbing.

Lexa looked at her in worry, all of a sudden fearing that she crossed a line, hurt her lover.

"Cos…" she started apologetically, but Costia cut her off.

"So, you're in that sort of a mood, then, Commander?" Costia flirted. She was in pain, a lot of pain, but she could deal with that later. Lexa's aggressiveness definitely stirred something deep and almost primal within her.

"Why does it make me lose my mind when you call me that?" Lexa sighed. She wanted to stay worried, she wanted to check the damage to Costia's back, but instead, her body was on fire all over again.

"I don't know," Costia shrugged, "you like control?"

"I don't control you. I never have and god, I never want to," Lexa objected immediately. That sort of dynamic between them always scared Lexa. Making Costia feel like she was anything less than her equal always terrified her.

"Ownership, then," Costia offered, not seeming at the least concerned by all the observations.

"But you own me, too," Lexa pointed out desperately.

"Alex, let's face it. I think you love that you can do whatever you want with me, and I will gladly let you," Costia laid out simply and Lexa shook her head, making Costia elaborate immediately. "But your title has nothing to do with me giving you this power over me. Or maybe," Costia suggested and leaned closer, feeling the goosebumps on her lover's arm, "maybe there's a part of you that likes that I have to do whatever you tell me when we are outside of this room, admit it," Costia whispered in her ear.

Lexa groaned.

"I loved you long before any of this and I'd love you long after this is all over," Lexa objected, referring to her position of power.

"Yes, but until then this is where we are and you like it. Stop feeling like you need to apologize for it, Commander," Costia blew air into Lexa's ear and drove Lexa to the edge of her sanity.

"You are impossible," she blurted and smashed Costia's body into hers, leading them toward the bed, losing both their clothes before they even got to their destination.

She threw Costia on the bed and climbed on top of her. Costia's eyes showed nothing but anticipation, adoration, and love.

"Thank you," Lexa offered quietly, more than ready to take what she was offered, take advantage of the full scope of what Costia was giving her, but needing to say these words beforehand.

"What for?" Costia wondered out loud, scratching Lexa's shoulder with her fingernails. Lexa purred and knew she had to speak now or she'll be completely consumed by what they'd started.

"For trusting me, for never wanting me to apologize for what I am," Lexa explained shyly.

"What you are is my whole damn world," Costia said sincerely, boring holes with her eyes in Lexa's heart.

Lexa smiled gratefully and resumed their after hours – during day time – activities.

They were lying down, facing each other, basking in their post-coital bliss. Lexa was trailing her fingers up and down Costia's spine carefully, avoiding her fresh wound. The touch made Costia both sleepy and aroused at the same time. Her eyes were shut and Lexa wasn't even sure if she was awake until she spoke.

"I wish father was here," she sighed and opened her eyes, "to see the ceremony."

"He would've loved it," Lexa agreed sadly. "He would have loved **us**."

"He **did** love us, Alex," Costia smiled in reminisce. "When I went home for the first time after I became a novitiate he said he was sure we'd be binded one day," Costia admitted. She never shared this piece of information with Lexa before.

"He did?" Lexa's eyes widened in surprise.

"Yeah, he was convinced. I think that's why he wasn't as mad I never told him I was a Nightblood. He realized what we had to face," Costia rationalized and Lexa nodded in understanding. "But, face it, Alex, everybody knew before we did."

"If they would've told us it could have saved us so much time," Lexa pouted.

"And be even more tragic then it was," Costia snorted.

"Well, it all worked out fine," Lexa brushed off.

"It did, and it breaks my heart he's not here to see," Costia breathed deeply. Lexa cupped her cheek, rubbing it with her thumb, trying to give Costia some physical comfort. "I know you miss him too, Alex. You can talk about it if you want. I'm more than capable of being there for you," Costia scolded gently. Lexa haven't said much about the subject since Nardo died.

"I miss him, a lot," Lexa admitted. "I miss many things about him, and there are many other things in you that remind me of him, and I feel like he lives on, in you, and for that I'm very grateful, because he was a great man, and you are a great woman," Lexa concluded in a very heartfelt manner and leaned in to kiss Costia's forehead. When she did, Costia grabbed the wrist of the hand that was still cupping her cheek and hummed in content at both Lexa's words and Lexa's lips on her skin.

"A great woman that is mine forever," Lexa noted, mostly to herself, and closed her eyes to absorb the moment. Costia laughed lightly at the cheesiness of it all.

"If the people knew that their fierce leader is so sentimental…" Costia pointed out casually.

"Shut up," Lexa ordered. "No one is going to tell them, or else. So, when **are** Dara and Aden finally coming?"

"A few more months," Costia sighed. "I don't want to push them. I want them to move when they are truly ready, but…"

"You also want to have a certain ceremony done as soon as possible," Lexa completed cheekily, knowing her lover's heart's desire. It was her own heart's desire, too.

"I'm just tired of waiting," Costia admitted. "We've spent so much of our lives waiting."

"It'll be a lovely ceremony, Cos, but it's almost a technicality," Lexa observed. "We're already promised to each other. As far as I'm concerned it's a done deal."

"So what you're saying," Costia started, cupping her lover's cheek, "is that I'm stuck with you?" she questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, sorry. You are doomed," Lexa shrugged and when she saw the smile on Costia's face she chuckled and leaned in to give her a short, tender kiss.

"Hey, did you see any Ice Nation warriors on your travels?" she inquired suddenly.

Things were tense with the last clan that won't join the coalition and Lexa kept getting troubling reports about wandering warriors that were spotted in other clans' territories.

"I saw two," Costia admitted in agitation. "On the way back from Ton DC."

"And?"

"They went back to Nia with a broken limb, each," Costia admitted with a sigh.

Lexa seemed like she was considering something.

"Are you mad that I didn't kill them?" Costia asked, worry very evident on her face. She hated thinking she let her lover down.

"No, Costia, of course not," Lexa soothed and leaned in to kiss Costia's forehead. "And besides, someone had to deliver the message back to Nia," she rolled her eyes. "I'm just not happy with where this is headed."

"She's testing you," Costia pointed out.

"She is," Lexa agreed with a heavy heart.

"What are you going to do?" Costia inquired in genuine curiosity.

"What do you think I'm going to do?" Lexa challenged. She liked to play this game sometimes, see if Costia could tap into what was going on in her head. It never failed. Costia never failed.

"Surround **_Azgeda_** with an army force made by warriors from all the coalition's clans," Costia provided, calculating in her mind the best move, "not to start a war, just to show Nia that she really is better with us rather than against us, motivate her to enter peace talks, **real** peace talks," Costia continued, "show her what happens when there's a coalition, show her she could benefit with the only thing she actually cares about, power. She'll be stronger as a voice in the coalition, and more than that, she'll be very vulnerable if she keeps going against it," Costia concluded.

Lexa smiled widely. She moved a lock of hair from Costia's face to behind her ear.

"I love it when you talk strategy," she admitted flirtatiously. "I love it when you talk **my** strategy."

* * *

Notes:

1\. "I always miss you when you are not by my side" - it's one of those things they keep saying to one another on appropriate occasions. See chapter 28.

2\. "I can't wait until they are here and I can watch over him." This obviously ended up becoming Lexa's job even if subconsciously.


	38. De Seken Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

 _Three Months Later…_

Lexa walked into her quarters at the end of a very long day. She slammed the door in anger, waking Costia up. Her lover was up on her feet and with her Bo in hand immediately, ready to smash Lexa right in the face.

Thankfully, Lexa was still by the door and a moment later Costia realized what was happening.

"Oh, come on, Alex!"

"Oh **_jok_** , Costia, I'm so sorry!" she offered guiltily but a moment later started laughing at the visual in front of her. After all, Costia was completely naked, standing in fight stance, holding her weapon.

Costia huffed, leaned her Bo back on the wall, got back under the covers and closed her eyes.

"I **am** glad to see your instincts are so intact, **_Fosgona_** ," Lexa teased, walking toward the bed. She was furious when she got in but that little Costia display made her feel better already.

 _I guess that's why I'm choosing to spend my life with this girl,_ she thought warmly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Your longing looks are distracting me from sleeping," Costia whined and opened her eyes to meet Lexa's adoring gaze. "What had you so worked up, my love?" Costia questioned gently, offering Lexa a hand.

Lexa disconnected her cape from her shoulder with her free hand and climbed next To Costia, careful not to let her armor brush against her lover's skin.

"I shouldn't have offered you my hand just now," Costia realized, "it'll be really hard for you to get back up."

"Oh, I'm not falling asleep like this," Lexa assured. "I want my skin to skin contact. You're doing the holding tonight, by the way," Lexa announced. They've been taking turns since they were kids, based on who needed it the most at any given night.

"What is it, Lex?" Costia asked worriedly though she had a suspicion. She caressed her lover's cheek and Lexa melted into the touch.

"These so called talks are useless, Costia," Lexa growled in frustration.

"Ice Nation?"

"Who else? A letter came in from Nia right before I entered. That's why I was so worked up. She suggested that I bind myself to her son."

Costia snorted and started laughing out loud.

"Costia!" Lexa scolded. "It's not funny!"

"Of course it is," Costia snorted. "I mean, I can get why she would think it's a good strategy. Political marriage, claim to the throne. But I mean, first of all, it's funny that she thinks that even **if** you were binded it'd change anything in regards to the Ice Nation's status, B. he's not a Nightblood so he'll have no real claim to the throne and you'll never be anyone's puppet, C. he's a **boy** , and lastly, everyone knows you are already promised to someone!" Costia concluded with a disbelieving mocking head shake. She was wide awake now.

"Yeah, well, Nia is not one to care about tradition very much," Lexa rolled her eyes. The whole suggestion was absurd and Nia knew it. She was just stalling, or trying to make the most of the situation.

"Neither am I," Costia reminded with a shrug.

"But you care about this one," Lexa pointed out, bringing her hand to Costia's exposed, tattooed arm, rubbing it softly. "You said so yourself."

"I do," Costia confirmed lovingly, putting her hand on top of Lexa's palm that was caressing her arm.

"And you are so much prettier than her son so I guess if I must choose…" Lexa sighed in feigned annoyance.

"Yeah, if you must," Costia smiled and leaned in to capture Lexa's lips for a sweet, short kiss.

* * *

Lexa was pacing from side to side on the throne stage. Costia looked at her from the entrance of the room and sighed. Her lover has been at it since the letter from Nia came earlier.

Nia wasn't too happy with Lexa's rejection of her proposal, naturally, but Lexa wasn't too happy Nia even dared to suggest something that was so very disrespectful to the fact that Lexa was promised to another.

Nia suggested they meet, face to face, just her and Lexa and an additional escort, to discuss, **really** discuss, how to move the negotiations forward. They've been stuck at a stalemate for months. Well, not entirely stuck. Lexa's army surrounded **_Azgeda_** , making Nia realize she better join the coalition. So while Nia initiated the communication between them more often as of late, understanding that **_Azgeda_** needed the coalition and not the other way around, Nia's tone was mostly provocative. There wasn't a real offer in her words, just tricks, and stalling, and Lexa was sick of it. She intended to accept her rival's offer to meet and find a common ground once and for all, but for that, Nia asked that Lexa would order her army to retreat. Lexa already made up her mind, she just didn't send out her reply yet.

 ** _"You can't let her go, Kostia,"_** Indra said, appearing by Costia's side. As the chief of Ton DC she was on the front lines of Lexa's army, but today she was a messenger. She wanted to appear before her Commander as she delivered Nia's letter and personally tell Lexa that she thought this was a bad idea.

 ** _"I know, I won't,"_** Costia promised. She didn't want to be cynical and assume it was a set-up, but if it was, better her than Lexa, and if it wasn't, well, Costia was the Commander's promised one. Nothing showed bigger respect to the mutual effort than to have the Commander send her loved one. It sent a better message, too. If Nia wanted to meet as equals, better send someone else to meet her. Lexa **wasn't** her equal. Nia was beneath her.

Costia gritted her teeth. She knew she was gearing up for a fight, but she also knew that her lover was so close to get her vision of a united coalition come true.

 _Hopefully when we look back, it would've all been worth it,_ she thought, but something dark was brewing, and the feeling was creeping on her, making her shiver.

* * *

Costia was experiencing a de-ja-vu as she was watching her lover pace. Except that this time Costia was on the stage, too, standing still by the throne, and so was Titus.

Lexa ordered her army to retreat from **_Azgeda_** and now they were waiting to hear from Nia about the one-on-one meeting.

Costia wanted to wrap her lover in her arms, lift some of the weight off Lexa's shoulders. Lexa wasn't fragile by any means, she was the strongest, most honorable person Costia knew. But she was still **hers** and Costia just wanted to take her pain and worry away.

Indra came in in a hurry, gathering everyone's attention.

 ** _"Well?"_** Lexa demanded. She was too agitated for pleasantries.

 ** _"Tomorrow at mid-day, as you asked, Heda,"_** Indra recited with a respectful bow.

 ** _"Is she still insisting on meeting me alone?"_** Lexa questioned even though she knew the answer.

 ** _"Yes, you and another escort,"_** Indra confirmed coldly and Lexa nodded and looked away, thinking.

 ** _"Heda, I urge you to send someone else,"_** Titus tried, and not for the first time, to sway Lexa away from the idea. He took a step toward her but made sure to give her some space.

 ** _"They wanted me,"_** she objected. **_"Anything else would seem disrespectful. Like I'm not actually interested in this union enough."_**

 ** _"They can't make demands, you are Heda,"_** Titus reminded harshly. But she was a better diplomat than Titus, and she knew it takes two to form a union.

 ** _"Kostia?"_** she turned to her lover as her last hope, her most loyal advisor, her second, fully expecting her to say the opposite of Titus, as usual. **Needing** Costia to tell her she was doing the right thing.

 ** _"I think the Fleimkepa is right, Heda. And you know I try to admit that as little as possible,"_** Costia said in a completely serious tone, making Titus' glare. Lexa bit her lip to hide her smirk. Leave it to Costia to lighten even the darkest of situations. Except that it didn't solve Lexa's predicament at all.

 ** _"Also…"_** Costia continued hesitantly.

 ** _"What? What is it?"_** Lexa encouraged her lover. More often than not, Costia would have some crazy miraculous idea up her sleeve.

 ** _"There's a way for you not to go that would not seem disrespectful,"_** Costia noted quietly. Lexa narrowed her eyes at her. Costia knew Lexa figured it out and did not at all like her idea.

 ** _"Well?"_** Titus urged.

 ** _"She already knows,"_** Costia took a deep breath and turned to Titus. **_"If she sends her Fosgona, who happens to not only be her second, but also her promised one, someone that the people of the clans view as royalty…"_**

 ** _"Oh,"_** Titus realized and looked at Costia in a puzzled expression, as if he didn't expect her, someone he had always valued as weak, to offer something like that. **_"Heda?"_** he looked at Lexa cautiously.

 ** _"No,"_** Lexa stated in a tone that left no room for argument.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Costia tried and took a step toward her lover but Lexa just stepped away and created more distance between them.

 ** _"I said no once, Fosgona, don't make me repeat myself,"_** Lexa ordered harshly and for the first time in their relationship, Costia allowed herself to glare at her lover inside the throne room. It was more than a glare. Costia's eyes were shooting fire at her.

Costia closed the distance between them and spoke quietly enough for only Lexa to hear her.

"Alex," she warned. She didn't need to say more. Lexa realized that this was the beginning of a fight.

 ** _"Leave us,"_** she barked, **_"all of you,"_** she looked around her, making sure everyone was gone and the door was shut before she turned to look at Costia again. She was ready to scold her lover for even suggesting something so ludicrous but she wasn't quick enough and it was Costia who spoke first.

"Are you out of your mind?" Costia raised her voice angrily. "You are not thinking clearly, you are not thinking like a Commander," she gritted her teeth.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Lexa attacked right back, furious.

"It means – you know that you can't go! You are the Commander!" Costia yelled. "I won't even let you wander on your own to a freaking flower garden so do you really think I'm going to let you go on your own to meet with the queen of the Ice Nation?" Costia was furious.

"It's not up to you to **let** me, Costia. Like you said, I'm the Commander," Lexa reminded coldly, even though she already knew Costia was right. But there had to be another way.

"Alex, you have a responsibility to these people. If something happens to you…" Costia sighed. "This coalition in its current form is new and fragile. We can't let anything happen to you. Be calculated about this, it's not a risk that you can take," Costia concluded and she knew she had just won.

"But we're meeting for peace talks, why is it a risk at all?" Lexa countered but she knew it was a weak attempt. Nothing was ever as it seemed with the Ice Nation.

"If we have nothing to worry about, then you shouldn't have any issues with sending me," Costia shrugged.

"Why must it be you?" Lexa sounded more helpless than angry now.

"You send anyone else and in her mind you belittle her," Costia pointed out even though her lover knew this. "You send your loved one, and she knows you are serious."

"But if we both go together then…"

"Listen to me carefully because I'm only going to say this once, Alex, you will go nowhere near that conniving she-devil," Costia declared in seriousness.

"Then we should cancel the whole thing," Lexa shook her head desperately.

Costia grabbed both of Lexa's hands in hers. Her lover was looking down in defeat.

"Hey," Costia started softly, making Lexa look up. "This was your dream since we were kids," she reminded. "This is what you set out to do. You are so close Alex," Costia added with scrunched eyebrows. "You're almost there. Make this decision with your head, not your heart," she concluded and offered her lover a bittersweet smile.

Lexa swallowed hard. Costia was right. She was being a hypocrite by refusing to send Costia when she, herself, intended to go.

"Okay. But you need to come back to me in one piece," Lexa demanded, cupping Costia's face.

"It's peace talks Alex, remember?"Costia tried to sound cheerful. "It's going to be peaceful."

* * *

 ** _"You asked for me, Fosgona,"_** Gustus walked into the Commander's quarters. He seemed uncomfortable. He had never been there before without the Commander being present.

Costia sighed. She was busy packing and she knew it won't be long before Lexa entered the room to see her off.

 ** _"Yes, Gustus. Who is with her?"_** she demanded. Lexa's safety was still her first priority. It would always be her first priority.

 ** _"The Fleimkepa, and Indra as well,"_** Gustus provided. There were other guards with her, but he knew Costia was asking about who was taking their place as a personal body guard while the two highest ranked members of the Commander's guard were conversing among themselves.

She nodded to let him know that he's been heard.

 ** _"Gustus,"_** she started with a heavy heart. **_"You watch over her when I'm gone,"_** she ordered.

 ** _"Of course, Fosgona."_** He could tell something was on her mind.

 ** _"And if anything happens to me…"_** she started and swallowed hard.

 ** _"Don't,"_** he warned her, he didn't want to hear this. But Costia learned from her lover - there had to be a contingency plan.

 ** _"If anything happens to me,"_** she kept going, ignoring the pained expression on Gustus face, **_"you are the Fosgona. Make sure she's safe. I'm entrusting you with my entire world,"_** her voice broke. She didn't care if it made her seem weak, and by the surprising heartbroken look on Gustus' face she could tell he didn't perceive her as such. **_"You promise me that, friend,"_** she begged him.

 ** _"I promise, Kostia, but nothing will happen to you, it can't,"_** he shook his head. They came a long way since the day he surprised her outside the city gates, challenging her worth.

Costia was considering saying something else when the door flew open and Lexa walked in.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Gustus bowed respectfully.

 ** _"What are you doing here, Gustus?"_** Lexa required, confused.

 ** _"I called him here for last moment guard business, he was just leaving,"_** Costia explained and shot Gustus a look.

He bowed again and left the room.

Costia turned back to her bag and kept packing.

Lexa watched her and bit her lip. "Are you almost done?" she asked softly. She wished Costia would never be done.

"Almost," Costia confirmed but didn't look up. She didn't know what she was going to find in her lover's eyes, but she did know that whatever it was, she didn't want to see it.

She left her bag and went to grab her Bo which was leaning against the wall as usual.

"Take a sword, Costia," Lexa requested, but it was harsh enough to sound more like an order.

"Alex, these are peace talks," she tried to reason, finally turning around to look at her lover.

"Still, today is a sword day," Lexa stated but Costia could see it was more of a plea.

"Okay," she agreed. She knew she had to choose her battles.

"And take Gustus."

"No."

"It wasn't a request," Lexa warned, narrowing her eyes.

"Still, no," Costia insisted.

"Why?"

"He needs to stay with you," she wasn't going to say more, she wasn't going to get into the what ifs, but she was also not, under any circumstances, going to take her second in command with her. She hardly trusted anyone with her lover's life, but she trusted him.

"Cos…" Lexa tried.

"Lincoln is coming with me," Costia cut her off.

 **"Fine,"** Lexa sighed. She knew Costia's best friend was a fierce warrior, a loyal friend, and would do anything for her lover. It wasn't enough to quiet her fears, but she won on the sword front, she wouldn't be able to convince Costia to do anything else Costia didn't want to do.

"Take Indra, too?" she nearly begged.

"They said **one** escort, Alex."

"And you expect them to keep their word?" Lexa questioned angrily.

"I don't know," Costia admitted. "What I do know is that if **we** break the terms, there's no hope at all."

Lexa nodded in agreement. She knew Costia was right.

"Did I trap you?" she blurted suddenly.

"What?"

"I made you come to Polis, I made you expose yourself as a **_Natblida_** , I made you my second…"

"This again?" Costia groaned. "I was already your second. I was **always** your second," Costia reminded in irritation.

"Still, I made you my **_Fosgona_** , bounded you to this place, to do my bidding. This wasn't your dream," Lexa's voice broke, as did her heart.

 _Are we doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing?_ She wondered.

"Dreams change," Costia admitted quietly, "or become fully formed," she stepped closer, grabbing her lover by the neck and pulling her in for a kiss so passionate both their heads span. She tried to pour everything she ever felt for Lexa into that kiss, trying to make Lexa understand that this, right there, was her dream. The moment was bittersweet and loaded.

"I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be," Costia insisted when they broke apart, leaning her forehead against Lexa's, ignoring the uncomfortable forehead piece in the way, the one her father made for her lover. "With **whom** I'm supposed to be," she concluded and took a step backward to look at Lexa who nodded sadly.

"Come back to me, we'll have the ceremony and I'll dedicate my life to make sure you're happy," Lexa promised in a chocked voice.

"You will dedicate your life to your people," Costia offered her a soft smile, "and I'll be very happy watching you do it and sharing your bed at the end of every day."

"I love you," Lexa's voice was full of desperation. "Please be safe."

"I love you too," Costia offered her a sincere smile. "I'll be back soon." It wasn't a promise. She knew better than to promise that.

Lexa leaned in to kiss her goodbye, she just didn't realize, or didn't want to realize what kind of goodbye it actually was.

* * *

1\. One more Hamilton reference before we're done with volume 1.

2\. "You need to come back to me in one piece" - I know, it's a very cruel choice of words when you know how things unfolded. I'm a total bitch.

3\. "It's going to be peaceful." At this point, we're very close to what canon had established for us. I always did wonder how the Ice Nation ever got to Costia whom I feel like was probably the thing Lexa loved the most. This was always what made sense to me. Spoiler - Putting Costia in this position of being caught while serving Lexa in a way that would both explain why she was even around Ice Nation people and also the very clear guilt we always saw Lexa felt in regards to her past.

4\. And this chapter is to explain how Gustus was reinstated in his old position as First Warrior when we met him in canon. Of course they never call him **_Fosgona_** because the word was made up for the story, but it's very clear he's Lexa's personal body guard, second in command army wise, all of what we came to refer to as First Warrior in this story.

5\. Lexa told Costia that today is a sword day, pleaded with her to not fight with the Bo but choose a weapon that was meant for killing is exactly word for word what she told her on the day of their conclave.


	39. De Seken Chapter 38

Warning: this chapter is graphic at times.

 **Chapter 38**

 ** _"You sure about this, Kos?"_** Lincoln inquired hesitantly as they neared the meeting point.

 ** _"Absolutely not,"_** Costia admitted. The other delegation came into view. **_"Luckily, you and I are pretty capable,"_** she sent a smile his way just as they approached the waiting party.

They got off their horses and found themselves facing Nia and her son, who was also her escort for the meeting, Prince Roan.

 ** _"Queen Nia, Prince Roan,"_** Costia bowed respectfully. She knew how to play the game. **_"Leksa apologizes she couldn't be here,"_** she provided curtly.

 ** _"I'm sure she does,"_** Nia replied coldly.

 ** _"I believe I make a sufficient replacement, I'm sorry, by the way,"_** Costia said and turned to Roan, **_"that she had to reject your proposal. I'm afraid she's already promised to another,"_** Costia explained nonchalantly. Nia glared at her, but Costia could've sworn she saw the prince trying to hide a smirk.

 ** _"I was very much hoping to see her today, but you will do,"_** Nia accepted.

 ** _"I am humbled by your words, Queen Nia."_** Indeed, Costia knew how to play the game, but that didn't mean she didn't know her own value.

 ** _"Cease her!"_** Nia yelled and ten warriors appeared from all around them.

 ** _"Mother!"_** Roan seemed shocked and Costia could tell that this turn of events was news to him.

 ** _"Really, Nia?"_** Costia rolled her eyes, dropping the title purposefully, **_"you couldn't even wait until we'd be done with the pleasantries?"_** She felt confident. Between Lincoln and herself, they could deal with ten warriors, even if those were the best of what **_Azgeda_** had to offer.

Except that two more warriors appeared from behind Lincoln and one of them knocked Lincoln hard on the head, leaving him out cold.

 _No no no,_ Costia started to panic, but took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts.

 _Okay, a dozen warriors, then, and just me to deal with them, not ideal, but still doable. Maybe Nia will decide to get her hands dirty, too, and I'll have an excuse to stab her,_ Costia thought and a pleased smile appeared on her face which seemed to have agitated Nia.

The warriors were puzzled. There they were, twelve of them, circling the short **_Fosgona_** , and the girl was in the middle of the circle, laughing. They were caught dumbfounded.

 ** _"I don't like killing very much,"_** Costia stated playfully, loudly, making sure they all heard her, **_"but I like dying even less,"_** she added casually, **_"so consider this your warning. This woman does not care whether you live or die,"_** she sneered and pointed at Nia, ** _"but Heda does."_**

 ** _"Mother,"_** Roan tried again through gritted teeth, but the queen ignored him.

 ** _"Don't listen to her, fools. There are twelve of you and one of her, cease her!"_** she ordered again and the encouraged warriors came at Costia all at once.

 _Dammit, Lincoln_ _,_ she thought as the warrior who was closest to her reached her.

She span like a tornado, slashing, stabbing, cutting. A few men took a step back, a couple were already dead on the floor, but Costia wasn't even thinking about what she was doing. Her body was doing the thing that, as Costia had to accept years ago, it was born to do.

She could feel the queen's eyes on her, surprised by Costia's skill, full of hatred, but Costia kept going. She heard nothing. She knew logically that swords were clashing, clanging, but she felt like she was under water, in the best way possible, everything was quiet, except for her heartbeat, as she was doing her job, as she served her lover the best she could.

Seven man were already lying at her feet.

 ** _"Roan!"_** she heard the queen, clearly expecting her son to join the fighting.

 ** _"No,"_** came the calm refusal just as Costia pulled her sword out of the eighth man. She span quickly and found herself facing a young warrior whom she noticed earlier was the best among the group. Costia was more than happy to get that one out of the way. The warrior lunched her sword at Costia just as Costia was finishing her turn, but Costia was quicker and pushed herself to the side and out of the sword's path. She used the momentum to slash the warrior's arm. It wasn't a fatal hit by any means, but the momentary pain Costia knew she caused was supposed to be enough of a surprise to make her enemy let her guard down a second, enough for Costia to finish her.

Except that her rival started bleeding black blood from the wound Costia inflicted, and Costia froze, ending up being the surprised party, letting her own guard down for only a second, but it was enough time for her to not finish the job when she had the chance. While her mind was busy processing what she was seeing, understand the meaning of it, the other **_Natblida_** used the opportunity to stab Costia right below her rib cage. Costia cried in pain as the blood started pouring and through her teary clouded eyes she could see the other warrior preparing for a final blow.

 ** _"Ontari, no!"_** the queen commanded, **_"not yet!"_**

Ontari did as she was told while the last three remaining warriors pushed Costia down to her knees.

 ** _"Shackle her,"_** Nia ordered, **_"she's a wild one,"_** she added and even through the pain Costia could see it in Nia's eyes – fear. Nia realized it was dumb luck that gave her warriors, the ones that were still breathing, the advantage. Even injured, Nia still viewed Costia as a threat.

 ** _"Oh, well, I always wanted a pet,"_** Ontari shrugged, cleaning her sword from Costia's blood on Costia's own arm, where her promising tattoo was. **_"You will do nicely,"_** Ontari added with a self satisfied smile.

 _Wake up Linc,_ Costia wished between pangs of pain, looking at her knocked out friend desperately. _You have to see this girl, you have to go back and tell Alex there's another Nightblood._

They didn't have a new class of novitiates yet. If something happened to Lexa, or worse, if Nia will actively plot against Lexa…

 _This won't just put Alex in danger,_ Costia thought in fear, _Aden, too._

 ** _"Why would you do this, Nia?"_** she cried out. **_"We wanted peace. Isn't that what you want for your people?"_**

 ** _"Mother…"_** Roan tried.

 ** _"Silence, you have embarrassed yourself enough today,"_** she barked. Roan didn't come to Costia's rescue, but he didn't take part in the attack, either, which deemed him weak in the eyes of his mother. He lowered his eyes at her, not in embarrassment but in anger, turned around and left.

 ** _"Do you really want power so blindly that you are willing to turn your back on what's best for your people?"_** Costia spat. Lexa told her when they were young just how power hungry Nia was, but Costia couldn't believe someone would be so senseless, so selfish. Nia already lost eight warriors for no good reason.

 ** _"What I want,"_** Nia bent a little so she could bring her face as close to Costia's as possible, **_"is to know everything that you know. Your lover might've not come today, but you're going to help me destroy her still. By telling me what her plan is."_**

 ** _"Her plan was peace, you manipulative traitorous bitch,"_** Costia yelled and Nia slapped her across the face. Costia turned back to look at the queen and spat black blood right in her face.

Nia wiped her face and started laughing. **_"How much do you think the Commander is willing to sacrifice for that peace she wants so badly?"_** Nia hypothesized, looking at Ontari who smiled victoriously. **_"Would she be willing to sacrifice the person she cares about the most?"_**

 ** _"If you move forward with this, it is not a sacrifice, Nia, It is a disgrace and a murder,"_** Costia warned in contempt and switched to English. "You **will** grow to regret this. You **will** die for this," she warned. "Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after, but rest assured, one way or another, she will end you," Costia promised. Whether her second half would end Nia politically or would actually take her life, Costia didn't know. What she did know was her lover's heart, and Costia's was already aching for it, for what Costia knew it was about to go through.

 ** _"We'll see,"_** Nia smirked and knocked Costia on the head, making her lose consciousness.

 ** _"What about him?"_** Ontari questioned, gesturing at Lincoln.

 ** _"Leave him. Someone needs to deliver the message to our mighty Heda."_**

* * *

She was lying in bed, her hand on Costia's empty pillow. It's not like they never spent a night apart, but the last two weeks have been unbearable. The uncertainty made Lexa feel nothing and everything at the same time. Costia always left a hole in Lexa's heart when she was gone, but she was never gone for this long. Even after they were separated when Costia was discovered as a Nightblood there was always seeing her again the following morning, sending a smile in Lexa's way, existing in Lexa's world.

But it's been two weeks since Lincoln rode back into Polis on his own. He wouldn't even look at her when he blurted **_"I'm sorry, they have her."_** It was an ambush. Their greatest fear came true and Lexa didn't have a clue what her lover's fate was. She just knew that the hole wouldn't go away. She was quick to send Nia a letter, warning her that she better not touch a single hair on Costia's head, but Nia kept quiet, and left Lexa unsettled.

Lexa wanted to lead her army and climb the walls of **_Azgeda_** and burn it all down to the ground the moment Lincoln came back, but she knew many would die, and that's not what Costia would've wanted.

Lexa assumed Nia kept Costia as a bargaining chip, but if that was the case, Lexa couldn't for the life of hers understand what Nia was waiting for. Why wasn't the queen making any demands? What was the end game?

 _What would you have me do, my love?_ She almost always knew what Costia was thinking, but she couldn't figure out what to do this time.

She sighed and stared at the ceiling, feeling guilty for even being in bed, especially when she assumed that the best case scenario was that her lover was sleeping on some stone bed. She never felt more torn between what she wanted to do and what she knew she needed to do. She considered getting up and moving to the sofa. She didn't want to sleep alone in that bed, **their** bed for another second. Instead, she turned back to Costia's pillow so she could take in her lover's scent. Every day it smelled less and less like her, but until Costia was back, until her head was laying on that pillow again, this had to do. It was the only thing that managed to remotely calm Lexa enough so she could drift off to sleep.

* * *

The knock on the door was persistent. It took a while for Lexa to wake up. She was so used to Costia dealing with those late night visitors and waking her up gently and lovingly if it was something that demanded her immediate attention. Lexa didn't realize up until this moment just how wonderful of a buffer Costia was.

 ** _"Enter,"_** she ordered groggily.

When it was Titus who came in instead of sending Gustus she knew something terribly wrong happened. She sat up straight in the bed, completely alert, which is when she realized Titus was carrying a box in his hands. He wouldn't look at her, but he put the box on the bed, right in front of her.

 ** _"Bosh moba, Heda."_**

* * *

She spent the last hour on the roof, a set of binoculars in her hand, forgotten. She didn't even remember grabbing it before she came up to the roof or why she took it.

She knew there were probably only a couple of hours left until sunrise. She kept staring at the huge torch that had been placed on the roof for generations. A beacon of hope,yet she felt hopeless.

She considered just walking into the flame, see what happens, see if she'll finally manage to feel something because she's been feeling nothing but emptiness ever since Titus knocked on her door and she opened that box. Maybe walking into the flame will just end everything, end **her**. She wanted that, she wanted that so badly.

Will the flame consume her while she was the current carrier of the Flame? She knew that a part of **her** flame has gone out, permanently.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Gustus voice startled her. **_"If you want to leave to Ton DC at first light and not be exhausted I recommend you head to bed."_**

How could she **head** to bed? The bed she shared with Costia. The bed where Costia's head was delivered to her in a box. Did the irony of the English translation of his words was lost on him? Did he not realize she may never sleep again?

 ** _"Gustus, why won't you leave me alone? You were ordered to do so,"_** she reminded coldly, knowing that the longer he was there, talking to her, the bigger the chance that she'd fall apart in front of him.

 ** _"Kostia made me swear that if anything happened to her I won't leave your si…"_**

 ** _"Don't!"_** She turned around and spat. **_"I don't want to hear this. If she asked that of you it means she knew what was going to happen and she still went,"_** being mad at him was so much easier than being mad at Costia.

 ** _"Maybe she did, maybe she suspected, maybe she just wanted to play it safe. Either way,"_** he continued softly, **_"she was your Fosgona, and she promised her heart to you. In both cases her first priority was to care for you and put your safety first. She did just that,"_** he concluded calmly. Inside of him, a storm was brewing, but Lexa was going to need him, and he intended to be there for her, to keep his word to Costia.

Lexa couldn't handle his use of past tense when he was referring to Costia.

 ** _"I promised my heart to her, too, and then let her go to that meeting. What does that make me?"_** she inquired in an unwavering voice.

 ** _"It makes you her Heda,"_** Gustus provided matter-of-factly.

 ** _Heda_** was the last thing she ever wanted to be to Costia. Best friend, lover, soul-mate – yes. But she never wished to be Costia's Commander. She didn't mind being everyone else's Commander, but not Costia's. All she wanted was to spend her life with Costia, to make Costia happy, be binded to Costia forever and ever.

Instead, **_Heda_** is what she got. And now **_Heda_** was all she had left.

* * *

She walked back into her room a while after, knowing that any hope for some rest before her journey to Ton DC was as hopeless as her general state of mind. The box was gone, as was the note that Nia added, saying **_"I didn't touch a single hair on her head."_** The head. That scorched thing that used to be her beautiful lover. Lexa wouldn't even be able to recognize it used to be Costia if it wasn't for the scar on the lip, a lasting memory from a tree branch incident in the woods so long ago, when they were together and oblivious, when they were happy.

The absence of the box made it like it never happened. She half expected Costia to climb through the window like she used to do and Lexa could be upset with her for climbing. Lexa would've welcomed the anger. The anger would be so much better than what she was currently experiencing.

 ** _"I am sorry about Kostia,"_** Titus offered, a pained expression on his face. Lexa didn't even realize he was in the room with her. She was wondering how long he has been waiting for her return from the roof. Possibly all night.

 ** _"Are you? You basically admitted you wanted her dead,"_** she countered hollowly. She had no fight left in her, so the last thing she wanted was to fight.

 ** _"I wanted a single Natblida to rise from the ashes of the conclave, I wanted you to have no ties,"_** he explained and on a different day she may have berated him, she may have gotten angry, but there was nothing now, absolutely nothing. **_"But you made the sacred promise, you may have not done the ceremony yet but she was yours, and you were hers, and I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry that she was lost,"_** he admitted sincerely, bowed, and left the room, understanding that she may want to be alone.

 _She wasn't lost,_ Lexa thought bitterly _, I've lost her._

She knew what Titus was thinking but didn't say, that if she hadn't been so obvious about her feelings, if she didn't pursue them, Costia would've been alive now.

Would Costia even want to be alive if they never acted on their feelings?

She shook her head. She didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to think about anything at all.

If she wasn't who she was, if she didn't have a responsibility, she may have ended it all. But she couldn't, that's not who she was, and if she died, Costia's death would've been for nothing.

No. She had to remain behind, be strong, lead.

It's been years since she thought that they were cursed, but now, as she was trying to not think about anything, it seemed like all she could do was to go back to that long forgotten thought.

For a moment she let her guard down and the emotions hit her so strongly that she shivered, the coldness went down her spine, she felt frozen everywhere, like she was drowning in ice. She was mad. She was so mad. Mad at Waldron, for telling her it was okay to have a companion to walk through life with her, mad at herself for listening to him, and mad at Costia, who told Lexa long ago she had no intention of outliving her.

 _I guess she kept her word,_ Lexa thought bitterly. _She always keeps… kept her word._

She pushed the feelings down as fast as she could. She couldn't allow herself to feel them, she couldn't allow herself to feel any of them ever again or she would crumble into pieces.

 _Was Titus right after all? Was this always just a weakness?_

She didn't think so, she didn't want to believe it, to become the person who thinks it, but she couldn't ponder on that much longer. She had a job to do and news to deliver. Whatever happens next, the partner that she had found for the journey that was her life, the person who made all the sacrifices worth it, was gone. From now on it was her, just her, alone, forever.

* * *

She rode through the gates of Ton DC where she found Lincoln, Anya and Indra waiting for her.

 _They know_ , Lexa realized. She kept the news quiet until she had a chance to tell Dara and Aden, but she sent riders to Ton DC to let Indra know that she was coming and the chief clearly told Anya and Lincoln.

They all seemed very evidently heartbroken, but none like Lincoln whose face was the epitome of torment. They haven't exchanged a single word after he came back to Polis to let her know Costia was abducted and he left for Ton DC straight after, not able to deal with the guilt he felt every time he looked at Lexa.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Indra tried to greet her but her voice cracked. Anya put her hand on Indra's shoulder.

Lexa ignored all of them and kept walking. Gustus tried to follow her.

 ** _"Stay,"_** she ordered. He considered arguing but thought better of it.

A moment later she found Lincoln daring to walk by her side. She considered yelling at him to back off but her soul was too exhausted and she knew he felt responsible. It would've been easier for her to agree with him, but how could she when she was convinced she was the one who was actually responsible?

 ** _"She took down eight warriors before they got her,"_** he told quietly. It was the first time he spoke of that day and he wasn't sure how it would be received. **_"I saw the bodies on the ground when I came to."_**

"That's my girl," Lexa smiled brokenly, thinking that at least her lover caused some serious damage before they finally overcame her.

 _If she killed eight, how many did Nia actually need to stop that miraculous force of nature?_ Lexa thought proudly. There was no one like her second half.

Even that little moment was too much for her to bear. She's been pushing it all down, but how easy was it for Costia to sneak into her mind and heart and fill the void completely with the realization of just how big the void actually was.

 ** _"Linkoln?"_**

 ** _"Yeah?"_**

 ** _"We are to never speak of this again."_**

He seemed like he was about to argue but he surrendered and accepted her wish. Looking in her eyes he realized it wasn't a command. Lexa was asking for a favor. It was self preservation.

Both felt guilty, both felt responsible, but it was on each of them to find a way to move on on their own.

It was in that moment, the moment when she asked him to help her escape that pain, that she couldn't escape it any longer, not when the bungalow she grew up in came into view. She finally felt it. The waves of pain threatening to wash all over her. She couldn't let it. She knew she'd fall apart, fall into pieces, never to rise again. She knew she couldn't run from it forever, but she had to be strong, at least for a little while longer, and then she had to find a place to be alone and let herself feel it. She knew she'd never be the same person again.

She stood in front of the door and knocked gently. She heard the quick footsteps and the door opened, revealing Aden.

 ** _"Leksa!"_** he uttered in joyful surprise. The older he got, the harder it became to get hugs from him. A few more months and Dara and him would've been in Polis with them. They could've been a united family again. Another year and a half and he would be a novitiate. She hated to be the bearer of bad news, the angel of death.

 ** _"Aden,"_** she whispered and quiet tears finally trailed down her cheeks, **_"I am so, so sorry."_**

He looked at her, horrified. He knew. They've been waiting for news for a couple of weeks, and now, when Lexa herself appeared at their doorstep unannounced, apologetic, he knew.

 _A year ago he had a whole family. A mother, a father and a sister who adored him. Now he's missing two. Now he's more like me, broken._

She looked inside and saw Dara who heard everything. Dara fell to the floor in loud cries and Aden ran to wrap his arm around her. Lexa wanted so badly to join them, to be a part of this grief that she probably felt more than anyone, but she couldn't move. Costia was gone, Nardo was gone, Aden's fate might be deadly as well. It's never the fallen warriors who are the real victims, it's those they leave behind.

Her own heart was currently a proof of that. She lost her First Warrior. First warrior, second half.

 ** _"Are you going to avenge her? Are you going to fight the Ice Nation?"_** Aden inquired sternly from his spot on the floor, caressing his mother's back. ** _"Jus drein jus daun,"_** the young **_Natblida_** reminded in anger.

 ** _"I know,"_** Lexa confirmed. _Is that what Costia would've wanted? More war? More death? In her name?_ One day Lexa would make sure Aden is as ready as possible for his own conclave, but could she do what he asked of her now? It was the opposite of everything Costia was, of everything Costia tried to teach him. Lexa was the one left to teach him now.

 ** _"What are you going to do?"_** he demanded and she could see the rage in his eyes, his eyes that looked exactly like Costia's. Her favorite eyes in the world.

 _No_ , she decided, hating her own decision already, wanting so much to inflict on her enemy the same kind of pain she was currently trying to avoid feeling. But she couldn't. She was the Commander.

She finally spoke up.

 ** _"I'm going to do my duty."_**

End of volume 1

* * *

Notes:

1\. " _Dammit, Lincoln" -_ "you had one job" is how this sentence would've ended if this wasn't the world of the 100.

2\. Roan and Ontari – this is their first appearance and I really don't think you can tell an Ice Nation flashback without mentioning these two. There were most certainly there when it all happened. I wanted to give early signs to the fact that Roan was different from his mother and plant the seeds to the fact that he might be an ally in the future.

Ontari, of course, is a different story. Growing up with Nia as a mentor (which wasn't exactly her choice) meant that at this point she was already cruel and sadistic. I couldn't help but playing with the "what if everyone knew she was a Nightblood early on?" I think Lexa would've come up with a strategy to assure she'd never ascend. Not to mention the fact that in Lexa's mind Costia was always her contingency plan. Lexa always assumed that if anything ever happened to her Costia will take part in another conclave and just spare everyone. At that point it wouldn't be a precedent anymore. At the very least Costia would've spared Aden.

3\. Costia's understanding that Ontari can mean a risk to both Lexa and Aden – a painful thought, of course, since we know that Ontari was indeed a danger to Aden eventually.

4\. Costia promised Nia that takes as long as it takes, she'll grow to regret her actions and will die for what she'd done. We know that at least half of that promise came true. She also told Nia that Lexa will end her, and Lexa did. It's a small comfort, but it did make me feel a bit better.

5\. "Until her head was laying on that pillow again" - I know. I'm being a cruel bitch again. Getting you where it hurts the most.

6\. **_Bosh moba, Heda_** – "I'm sorry, Commander" in **_Trigedasleng_**.

7\. The torch on top of the tower – Lexa referred to it as a beacon of hope. It is my absolute headcanon and has been since we saw it for the first time, that this is the torch from the statue of liberty. Wherever Polis may be, we know it's on the east coast. I can see the survivors of the nuclear apocalypse finding it buried somewhere near NY/NJ early on and spending weeks transporting it to their new capital. But even if it's not, its placement on top of that tower makes me feel like the people of Polis see symbolism in it. It is the flame on top of the residence of the Flame's carrier, their Commander.

8\. Gustus had officially assumed the role of a **_Fosgona_** which is the position he's filling when we meet him in canon.

9\. " ** _Heda_** is what she got. And now **_Heda_** was all she had left." I needed this chapter to show us why when we met Lexa she was the way she was, in that state of mind. Or at least the roots of who she had become post Costia's death. She clearly went through a process with her grief and at the end of that process she was that person who tried not to care, the Commander Clarke met and challenged by saying "you do care." This is the beginning of that. We see it later in the chapter as well when she just assumed that she'd be alone forever. I don't think she ever expected to love again and this is part of why Clarke was such a big deal.

10\. **_"I didn't touch a single hair on her head."_** Nia is really the sadistic bitch here, I'm just her proxy.

11\. "mad at Costia, who told Lexa long ago she had no intention of outliving her." Chapter 33.

12\. "From now on it was her, just her, alone, forever." See comment 9.

13\. I wanted to find a way to explain why Lincoln and Lexa seemed to know each other in canon but there always seemed to be something cold and distant there. And also, of course, why they never talked about Costia. Lincoln was always a tormented character, as was Lexa, but either hardly ever spoke about their past, leaving us guessing, so this is my take on that. In truth, I wouldn't be surprised if Lincoln really did know Costia.

14\. The ending – When Aden asks Lexa what is she going to do she replies with "my duty." This is another throwback (is it really a throwback if it's to the future?) to the conversation Lexa had with Titus in 3X07. She yells at him that the Ice Nation delivered Costia's head to her bed and she still let them into the coalition. She tells him that she's more than capable of separating feelings from duty. And for me that moment with Aden was when it hit her, was when she was faced with her biggest test as a leader ever. In that, Lexa represents the opposite of Nia. Lexa always put the good of her people first, in a selfless act, even if it kills her. That's exactly what we saw later on when she left Clarke at the mountain. She can't afford doing what she wants to do, which is avenge Costia, which is to side with Clarke. She had a responsibility to her people first, and that's the choice she made in this chapter.

15\. This was a tough one, no doubt. But this was all a part of the big picture and we had to get to this point.

The sinful thing is that this whole book was just "that thing I have no choice but writing in order to set the ground for the story I **actually** want to tell" (i.e. volume 2.) I'm saying sinful because over the course of writing this it became such a joy. It took me to places I didn't expect going. Costia is somewhat different that how I envisioned her when I started to break down the story, but god do I love her. Do I love **them**.

I wanted to put their story center stage because we never knew much about Lexa and because I thought both women deserved having their story being told.

I started writing this about a week after 3X07 aired. So just imagine how much I had to adjust as the season went on because I wanted this to be as close to canon as possible. I like writing fanfiction in a way that allows the readers to feel like this could actually be a part of canon.

I'm going to partially repeat myself here, but here goes:

I was always intrigued by Costia. As a writer, the moment something gets a name – that something matters. Lexa mentioned her by name a few times. She said "she was mine," she said "she was special to me," and that was enough for me to want to find out who Costia was.

Looking at Lexa, and the kind of person we know someone like Lexa would fall in love with (Clarke) it was very clear that Costia, too, had to be unique and special. The fact that Lexa was relatively young when she died told me that they probably known each other and fell in love before Lexa ascended. She hasn't been the Commander for **that** long and it was clear she and Costia had been together for a while. So they had to have history and Costia had to be the sort of person who could be with a leader, who could accept always coming second. That, also, shows strength of character. I wanted Costia to be as entangled in Lexa's life as possible in a way that seeped into future canon as well, without it feeling forced. Aden was one example of that. And so that was the story I wanted to tell and I hope I did so in a convincing way.

I was told once that usually the person whose point of view you get at the beginning of the story is the protagonist. Many expect a writer to only have one of those. I really never believe in that for a love story. Lexa and Costia were equally the main characters here. We followed both their journeys, and so, since I started the story with Costia's POV, I liked finishing it with Lexa's, so there will be no doubts regarding the fact that they were both the protagonists.

I'll take this opportunity for self promotion. I'm trying to fund my short script and turn it into a film. If you liked this story and would like to see a different work of mine making it to the screen, feel free to check the crowdfunding campaign here. Any contribution would be appreciated.

See you in volume 2!


	40. De Seken Chapter 39

**A/N:** Welcome to volume 2. A few things first.

This story was originally published on and AO3 between March and December 2016. While re-formatting it for Amazon Kindle Words, its text has also been reedited to offer a smoother, cleaner reading experience. No major plot lines or dialogue were changed.

These two parts of the story belong together, I promise you that.

That said, they are very different and can exist on their own as two stories, but, alas, to understand the full scope of what's happening here, it's better to read volume 1.

While volume 1 was really a love story, volume 2 is much closer to what _The 100_ is. It's a survival story, and overcoming the danger at hand, namely, the pending disaster that we were told would happen in six months time at the end of season 3.

We pick up from right after everything that went down at the City of Light, making this basically an alternative season 4, but clearly, things had to be changed. Some people who died are still alive, some people who died are still dead, and it's hard because you'd be like "dammit! How come so and so are alive when we hated them but so and so is still dead?!" But there was a reason behind these choices. And so the scenario we start with is quite similar to where canon left off at the end of season 3, but some adjustments had to be made, and you'll know exactly what those things are very early on and you'll get explanations.

Sadly, I can't promise you that you'd love this book if you loved the first one. Yes, Clarke would be here, and I love her very much and she's important to the story, but like I said, this is still the same story. I don't want to say more. Not yet.

This part is also more sci-fi heavy, shifting the vibe even more toward that of the show. I researched a lot, I consulted relevant people, I hope I did it justice. You'll be the judge of that. While volume 1 had quite the few anchors from canon to play into, here all bets were off. I could've done whatever I wanted to, give or take. Volume 1 was my anchor for volume 2.

The pace is also different. Volume 2 covers a period of a few months rather than years and years. You'll see some chapters are much longer, too.

Notes will indicate the time jumps on occasion, to let you know how we're doing on that whole six months deadline. Some translation will appear in notes when need be. All thoughts are in _italics_ and all spoken **_Trigedasleng_** will appear in **_bold and italics_** throughout the entire story. Some notes will includespoilers for things that happen later on in the story. When that's the case, the note will indicate so with a spoiler warning.

I also like to thank Lesly-Oh for the beautiful cover and her ongoing fanart on social media which makes many people very happy.

I hope you like the second part of this journey!

 **De Seken**

 **Volume 2**

 **Chapter 39**

 _3 Years Later…_

He approached her cell cautiously. The only source of light was a single torch on the wall outside the cell. He couldn't see anything, so he waited. He knew she heard his footsteps. It's been years since he'd seen her and he wasn't sure what exactly he was going to find.

A few moments later a figure walked out of the shadows and he saw she was a shadow of herself. She was thin and her clothes, the same ones she'd worn the day they brought her in, were completely ripped. He couldn't really call it clothes anymore, at this point they were rags. Her hands were shackled to each other and with a long chain to the wall of the cell, and he wondered how many guards lost their lives trying to get close until they finally shackled her. How many guards lost their lives **after** they shackled her? There was a wild look in her eyes, like she would happily end him.

 _Ontari played with her for too long,_ he thought, but then he realized there was still something else in her eyes, too, something he saw that day when they captured her before he turned his back on his mother. Something that not even years of Ontari's games could touch. He thought he had an idea of what that something might be, or rather, someone.

 ** _"Roan?"_** she croaked in surprise. She hadn't seen him in years. Not since Lexa's peace treaty demanded that he would be banished from his home, as punishment for Costia's own wrongly presumed death, as means to make sure the peace will last. Keeping the heir far from his mother.

 ** _"It's King Roan, now,"_** he corrected, **_"thanks to Leksa."_**

No matter how dirty and underfed she was, he saw the smirk that appeared on her face.

 ** _"She killed her,"_** Costia chuckled, **_"I told your mother years ago, no matter how long it would take, Leksa would end her."_**

Roan said nothing. He knew he was a better man to lead his people than his mother ever was. He cared, and the queen thought him weak for it. There was a part of him that was glad that she was gone, but she was still his mother.

 ** _"I am transferring you,"_** he finally revealed. **_"You've been in this dungeon for too long. You'll have new clothes, sufficient amount of food and water, you'll have actual light, I'll take these shackled off, too."_**

 ** _"So kind of you, King Roan,"_** she thanked with an exaggerated bow. **_"I wonder how our darling Ontari would feel about my change of scenery."_**

 ** _"Ontari will follow her king,"_** he stated harshly.

 ** _"For now,"_** she shrugged. **_"Why don't you save us all a lot of trouble and just release me instead?"_**

 ** _"Yes, I'm sure Leksa would be very happy with me once she learns I knew you were alive all these years."_**

 ** _"Like my father used to say, you have to try everything in life at least once, otherwise, how would you know?"_** Costia smiled sweetly.

He could see a few new scars on her arms and one more on her neck. Ontari really was invested. And he knew the damage wasn't just physical. He had no doubt his mother and Ontari took special pleasure in letting Costia know that the Commander found love again, with someone else. Someone who happened to be responsible for the deaths of everyone in Costia's birthplace. The same birthplace that his mother helped destroying completely. Yes, Costia's heart and soul were not spared while in captivity. The only thing that was intact, it seemed, was her promising tattoo. Ontari probably kept it whole to constantly remind Costia of all the things she was never going to have again and even with that logic, Ontari still burned the very top of it.

 ** _"I just can't take that risk,"_** he finally provided. **_"And I'm sorry, but I have to knock you out for this."_**

 ** _"What? Poor, on the verge of starvation me, against five of your man?"_** she questioned innocently, gesturing to his party of escorts. **_"That hardly seems fair. To them."_**

 _Especially when you have nothing to lose,_ he thought, _considering you're already dead._

He knew that she was probably right, that even in her current state, and maybe because of it, it was better to not leave things to chance.

 ** _"I can't give you what you want, but I can at least give you better conditions than this,"_** he looked around the cell and saw absolutely nothing in the pitch darkness.

 ** _"You can't even begin to understand what I want,"_** she spat.

He sighed internally and gestured to his healer who stepped forward and blew powder in Costia's face.

 ** _"It smells worse than my clothe…"_** but before she had a chance to finish the sentence, she fell to the ground, unconscious.

* * *

This time he made sure she didn't hear his footsteps. He needed a moment before he delivered the news. The difference a few weeks made was very visible. Being well nourished encouraged her to train. Her body started to get back to the toned form it was the day his mother took her. Clean clothes, light, and no more physically harming visits from Ontari made quite the difference, too. Allowing Costia all of the above may have felt like the right thing to do morally, but Roan knew it made her more dangerous, too.

 ** _"Kostia,"_** he started quietly and she turned around, not entirely surprised to find him standing there.

 ** _"Well if it isn't his royal highness,"_** she greeted in the same tone she always used when he visited her, a tone that had a bit of mockery in it. But he saw over the course of the last few weeks something else, too.

 _Gratitude?_ He wondered, _maybe she just hates me less than the rest of us._

Whatever it was, whatever little respect she developed toward him, he knew he was about to take it all away.

 ** _"A word just came from Polis,"_** he started, wanting to be straightforward and honest, wanting to get this moment out of the way. But before he had the chance to tell her, someone else walked in quickly.

 ** _"Hello, pet."_** Ontari smiled widely. **_"Did you tell her the good news yet?"_** she asked her king and Costia's heart stopped beating. This had to be bad. Something so bad that it made Ontari smile like a four-year-old who just got a new toy. Costia started breathing rapidly. She knew there was only one thing which could get Ontari this happy, and she refused to believe it.

 ** _"Your lover is dead. Well, I guess I should say past lover considering it's been years since you've been relevant,"_** Ontari finally announced cheerfully.

Costia's ears started ringing and she turned around. She didn't cry when they took her, she didn't cry when they tortured her, she didn't even cry when they told her Lexa found a new lover, but she didn't think she could stop herself now, from screaming, from falling to the ground, and she couldn't let them see. In her mind she screamed, in her mind she bent her cell bars with her own bare hands and was on Ontari in seconds, ripping her throat out, but she couldn't do any of these things and her head started to spin. She couldn't breathe.

 ** _"We leave at dawn, and then I'll get to sit on that throne,"_** Ontari continued, not at all oblivious to the effect her words had, but not caring in the least. **_"I'll sent you a letter! Maybe even Leksa's head so you'll have something to play with,"_** she concluded and left.

Costia needed to be out. She needed to stop Ontari, she needed to make sure that ruthless person didn't destroy everything Lexa worked so hard for, didn't keep true to her promise regarding Lexa's body.

 _Body,_ Costia thought and every nerve in her body screamed. And then came the guilt.

 _Is this how Alex felt all these years ago? Oh god._ She hated herself for not managing to escape.

 ** _"Fosgona,"_** Roan tried.

 ** _"I am no one's Fosgona!"_** Costia yelled, still turned away from him. **_"Leave!"_**

 ** _"I'll make sure Ontari doesn't do something she's not supposed to do."_** It didn't sound quite like a promise, but he didn't want to deceive her with one. ** _"I will come and check on you before we leave. I am sorry,"_** he said genuinely and left.

When she knew she was finally alone her body couldn't carry her weight anymore. There were always guards outside her cell, gossiping, even joking with her over the years, but no one tonight. Maybe Roan told them to leave her be, to stand guard at the entrance of the building. She was too heartbroken to realize Roan tried to do something kind for her. She found herself on the floor, face in her hands, tears sliding quietly. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't, she wanted to smash the walls, but she couldn't.

She looked up, face soaked, finding the small window in the ceiling and looking at the night's sky.

She wondered why the world finally threw her a bone in the form of Nia's death, of better conditions, just to bring her whole world crashing down. She couldn't believe that Lexa was gone. Three years in hell and her love was still the reason she woke up every morning, hoping that somehow, someday, someone would slip and Lexa and her would find a way to be reunited. And then that hope was smashed into pieces soon after people fell from the sky and Lexa found someone who understood her. Someone new.

When Ontari and Nia walked into the dungeon together just to tell her, she didn't even flinch, she would never give them the satisfaction, but something inside of her died. She stopped trying, she stopped hoping, and even then, just knowing that Lexa existed out there in the world, that she wasn't suffering or alone, left that tiny bit of Costia that still felt like Costia.

 _What has become of me?_ She mused brokenly. _All the years, all the tears. Maybe that girl died three years ago after all. Maybe it's for the best._

Except it wasn't, she realized as her eyes widened in terrible understanding. She may have not been able to save the love of her life, but there was someone else that she could safe. Someone else that she **had** to save.

She looked up again, at the support wooden beam that was the first thing she noticed when she was moved to her new cell.

 _I'm not strong enough,_ she admitted to herself in devastation, _not yet._

She paced for the rest of the night, trying to think if there was anything at all that she could do. On occasion she stopped in her tracks, remembering all over again that Lexa was gone and as she started breathing so erratically that she thought she might faint, she could feel the pain spreading in her stomach, as if her body was realizing that its lost a part of itself, reacting to it with actual physical pain.

She felt suffocated, yet she had to push it all down and think. But as hard as she tried, nothing was enough. Her body was getting stronger, but not enough for some crazy escape plan.

Soon enough it was dawn and Roan came back and found her with dark bags under her eyes. She spoke before he could.

 ** _"Let me go,"_** she ordered coldly.

 _If I could just get there on time, if I could be in the conclave, I can spare him, like Alex did for me._

 _Alex._ Her second half, the person who always wanted Costia to take her place if worse came to worst.

 ** _"I can't do that."_**

 ** _"You are harboring a known Natblida and there's about to be a conclave,"_** Costia spat, **_"you could die for this."_**

 ** _"You've already been in a conclave. You've lost,"_** Roan reminded.

 ** _"Why don't we let the spirit of the Commander decide about that,"_** she said between gritted teeth. She didn't believe much in spirits, but there was something about the Flame, and she **did** believe she could win it.

 ** _"My people will never again follow me if I help sabotaging the ascension of a Commander from Azgeda,"_** he barked. He didn't like the situation any better than she did, especially when he grew to respect Lexa, to owe Lexa. But he wasn't a fool.

 ** _"Your people will never follow you if you allow someone from Azgeda to become Heda!"_** she countered. She could see the resolve in his eyes and she started to panic. Convincing him was her last hope.

 ** _"I'm sorry. I really am. I have to see how this plays out. And just in case, we'll put you back in the dungeon tonight. I'm sorry."_** He meant it, too, but he had to believe that by supporting Ontari's ascension he was doing what was right for his people.

 ** _"Don't give me anymore reasons, Roan…"_** but he turned to leave just as his healer stepped forward to take his place.

 ** _"If you walk away now, my brother is doomed,"_** she tried softly. He was different than his mother, he had a code he lived by and Costia hoped it would sway things her way, but it didn't. He looked forward and left her.

The moment he was out of sight she knew Aden was going to die, and just like with Lexa, she won't be there to prevent it from happening. She was about to fail him as well. She turned around and threw up. She stood up again just in time to feel powder being blown into her face once more, as the world turned dark.

* * *

It's been weeks and he wasn't sure what he was going to find in that cell. He thought he would be back in **_Azgeda_** much sooner but with everything that happened, with his injury, with all the confusion and fighting an enemy he couldn't actually see, he was away from home longer than expected. But the war was over now, at least that one, and he felt like he owed her an explanation.

At least he made sure to send word to take her back to her cell outside the dungeon. He knew that once the conclave was over she won't be much of a threat because there would be nothing left for her to go back to.

Not that he could call what Ontari did to the young **_Natblidas_** a conclave. Maybe they all deserved everything that came afterwards. Maybe they tested powers bigger than themselves and were punished for it.

He found her sitting on the floor of her cell, leaning on the wall, staring at the sky. She seemed completely defeated and he could tell that whatever emotional progress she started to make after he transferred her out of the dungeon, was undone, possibly for good, by everything that followed.

 ** _"And the king returns,"_** she scoffed bitterly. " ** _You've been gone a while. Where were you? In Polis with your false Commander?"_** She heard the rumors of what went down in Polis right after Lexa's death, but only in passing. The guards were too afraid of being the bearers of bad news. One thing was certain, Ontari was the new Commander.

Costia noticed he was injured, he walked slowly and breathed heavily, subconsciously touching his chest.

 ** _"A lot had happened. A lot that you don't know,"_** he replied stoically. He wanted to tell her everything but where to start?

They managed to stop ALIE, but he knew that if they hadn't, ALIE would've found her way to **_Azgeda_** soon after. But somehow the people of **_Azgeda_** managed to be spared by sheer luck of timing, which meant that most of them were in the dark regarding what happened.

 ** _"You came here to tell me my brother is dead,"_** she stated coldly and looked away. It wasn't a question. She'd known for weeks. She had felt like a failure for weeks.

 ** _"I'm sorry."_**

 ** _"Did you ever notice how often you apologize to me? Isn't it exhausting?"_** she laughed sarcastically and he was wondering if she was just now starting to go mad, or if she were mad all along and he didn't notice.

 _Does this change things?_ Costia wondered.

She had a choice. She was finally strong enough. Was she to spend the rest of her life in **_Azgeda_** as a prisoner, or would she try and make a difference? Honor her dead lover, honor her dead brother, continue what Lexa started even if it wasn't what Costia dreamed for herself. Even if it wasn't with **whom** she dreamed for herself.

 _Everything I dreamed for myself is gone anyway._

 ** _"Let me go,"_** she demanded quietly but in a steady voice and stood up, grabbing the cell bars. **_"You've taken everything you can from me. Give me my freedom, at least. I pose no danger to you."_**

 ** _"I don't know that,"_** but he did.

 ** _"I give you my word,"_** she promised sincerely, and she meant it. He was in no danger. Ontari was a different story.

 ** _"The word of a mountain girl,"_** he pointed out weakly, using any MO he had left to not be tempted to let her out.

 ** _"There's no mountain anymore. It's the word of a person with honor. Unlike our new Commander who went into the conclave knowing full well she's hiding the existence of another Natbliada,"_** Costia sneered.

She was right, he knew that. She was right all along. But Ontari didn't technically ascend just yet, and if he let Costia go now there was no doubt she'll challenge Ontari, and how would his own people look at him then?

 ** _"As long as she's Heda you have no power over your people and you know it,"_** she added softly, as if she was reading his mind. He was stuck. Just like when his mother was still alive. He was the leader of **_Azgeda_** , but he was crippled by another. The fact that Ontari basically said as much herself didn't help matters.

 ** _"There are more things I need to tell you, Kostia,"_** he pushed through, ignoring her words.

When she looked at him in boredom he decided to just keep going.

 ** _"Ontari won the conclave, yes. But we had bigger issues to deal with. Something was going on with skaikru, they chose a new leader. I don't know everything but I do know this – Linkoln kom tikru is dead as well."_**

Costia looked at him in shock. She was too surprised to mask it. She worried about Lexa, she worried about Aden, it never occurred to her to worry about her best friend. Especially after she heard through the gossipy guards that some banished **_trikru_** found love with a **_skaikru_** girl. Octavia. It wasn't hard for Costia to connect the dots and happily realize that her friend finally found that thing he was looking for for years.

Between him, and Anya whom she heard about a few months prior, they were hardly any people left from her childhood in Ton DC.

 ** _"Let me guess,"_** Kostia started, face completely blank, **_"you're sorry."_**

But he wasn't going to apologize again.

 ** _"There's a whole lot I do not understand. What I do know is that there was this… thing, a woman, ALIE."_**

 ** _"ALIE?"_** Costia never heard the name before and she couldn't even understand how it related to anything.

 ** _"She made people take this… this chip. It made them… I don't know, do as she ordered. They kept referring to a place called the City of Light. A place with no pain."_** He didn't know how he could tell it in a way that would make sense when he didn't understand half of it himself.

But Costia didn't even interrupt him. She just looked at him, contemplative, trying to see how this whole thing had to do with her.

 ** _"Wanheda somehow realized that the only way to stop ALIE before she took over everyone's minds is using the Flame and taking ALIE's chip at the same time,"_** he continued and if Costia's brain wasn't completely busy in trying to fill in the blanks, she would find the pained expression on his face quite amusing.

Costia always had her suspicions about the Flame. She never got to any solid conclusion and she just had questions, at best, but from everything Roan was trying to tell her, it was clear that the concepts were completely foreign to him, but not to **_Wanheda,_** not to a sky girl, and so maybe not to a mountain girl, either.

 ** _"I'm sure Ontari was very pleased and gracious and kindly offered to help,"_** Costia noted with a glare.

Roan said nothing but for the first time since he came in, he looked away from her. She was perplexed by this reaction, but then it hit her.

 ** _"You lost the Flame,"_** she realized, eyes widening. **_"Ontari never ascended,"_** she added with a happy smile.

Roan's lack of a response was all the answer she needed.

"It breathes new life into me…" Costia blurted the realization, a memory from a long time ago. A crucial one.

 ** _"What?"_** Roan asked in confusion. The sudden change to English also puzzled him. He wondered again if she was losing her mind.

 ** _"Let me out,"_** she demanded. He ignored her. It wasn't the first time she asked this of him, and nothing has changed. He kept going with his story.

 ** _"Titus made Clarke a Fleimkepa, she escaped Polis with it."_**

Costia snorted. She couldn't help it. In the midst of all the heartbreak and hopelessness, who would have thunk Titus would end up being the one saving the day? The man whom, she learned through the guards, was responsible for the demise of her love.

 ** _"He refused to help us afterwards, Ontari imprisoned him."_**

 ** _"Of course. Imprisonment of others is one of her favorite pastime activities."_**

 ** _"I guess their plan was for Clarke to go through the clans and find anyone else who could take Ontari's place. But ALIE happened first, and Ontari took that chip thing."_**

Costia seemed surprised, but she thought she was starting to get the hang of things. She remembered how Lexa described the Flame to her after her ascension. Was the Flame a sort of a chip too? Was Ontari exchanging one for another?

 ** _"I helped Clarke get back to Polis. Many people were imprisoned. People who refused to take the chip. Some were tortured, crucified. I got shot. So the rest I know from the aftermath."_**

Costia seemed distraught. What kind of invisible yet omnipresent enemy was this? She sounded like a god.

 ** _"Clarke needed a Natblida, but she didn't want Ontari to have the Flame. They sedated Ontari, started some sort of…"_**

 ** _"Blood transfusion,"_** Costia was catching up. She explained that concept to Lexa so long ago. It was one of their only fights ever. How did it always come back to their blood?

 ** _"I don't know what they did. Clarke somehow used Ontari's blood as her own and…"_**

 ** _"Took the Flame herself,"_** Costia concluded with a little smile. Maybe she needed to meet this girl.

 ** _"Yes. I don't know what she did, where she went. I just know that somehow, everyone… woke up? Not being mindless followers anymore."_**

 ** _"And Clarke expected Ontari to be grateful for saving everybody, but she wouldn't be Ontari if she had some decency in her."_**

 ** _"She wasn't too happy about being used as blood supply, no. She looked for the Flame right away, but it was gone. It's been ten days. She gave Clarke until tomorrow to tell her where it is, or Clarke, and all of skaikru and the people who helped them would be executed."_**

 _She's still missing the Flame,_ Costia realized.

 ** _"I'm afraid Indra kom trikru is among them,"_** he broke her trail of thought.

 ** _"Roan,"_** she started, as softly as she could, **_"let me out of here."_** She wasn't going to lose any more people she loved. She wasn't going to let Lexa's legacy die in the hands of Ontari. It was time for the long promised contingency plan.

 ** _"She won't be too happy if I did. To say the least."_**

 ** _"Which won't be a problem once I'm done with her,"_** Costia stated matter-of-factly.

 ** _"I want you to know,"_** he sighed but kept going, **_"that she ordered me to burn Lexa's body."_**

 _No._

Costia started to shake, Roan could see a wild look in her eyes, something murderous, something he hadn't seen before, not even when he told her Lexa died.

 ** _"That's not how tradition goes for past Commanders!"_** She screamed like an animal.

 ** _"I know, and I owe Lexa my kingship, and my life,"_** he was quick to say. ** _"I didn't burn her. I want you to know that her body was not violated."_**

 ** _"Thank you Roan,"_** she sneered in rage, **_"you are so honorable,"_** she growled but he could see her body wasn't as clenched as it was only moments ago.

He nodded curtly and turned to leave. He said all he had to say and he had to prepare to head back to Polis for the executions. He was hoping he could still convince Ontari to not move forward with her plan.

 ** _"There's a part of you who wants me out of here,"_** she called after him, now calm. **_"That's why you told me all of this. If you won't let me out of here, I'll have to get myself out of here."_**

 ** _"You haven't in three years,"_** he pointed out. He wasn't ready to ask himself whether she was right or not.

 ** _"I was too weak before, and your mom took quite the pleasure in letting me know I had nothing to go back to."_**

 ** _"So what changed?"_** he genuinely wondered. She said herself, they took everything from her. She owed nothing to anyone anymore, why go through all the trouble?

 ** _"You fools, always underestimate what a woman in love would do,"_** she smiled bittersweetly. Those who didn't understand it just didn't understand it. She pitied them.

 ** _"But Leksa is gone, so is Aden,"_** he reminded in puzzlement, as if she needed the reminder. He just didn't understand what she was hoping to achieve.

 ** _"Jus drein jus daun,"_** she shrugged. It was far from what was going on in her head, but he didn't need to know this was about so much more than vengeance.

 ** _"When I met you you tried to avoid killing. What would Leksa say about this? She aspired for peace at her final days,"_** he shared, thinking maybe Costia didn't know about Lexa's change of heart when it came to blood must have blood.

 ** _"She aspired for peace always. And you can ask her yourself when you see her."_**

He looked at her distraught. Was she referring to herself? Was she finally mad enough to refer to herself in the third person? Was she talking to Lexa? Having visions of Lexa?

The situation was too uncomfortable. Costia's reactions have been erratic and unpredictable. He had to be back in Polis the following day and the conversation exhausted him. He turned to leave once more when Costia spoke again.

 ** _"You are forgiven for this, but when the time comes, you'll play your part."_**

He had no idea what she meant, not even slightly, so he kept going, thinking that maybe they finally broke her. It saddened him. It wasn't his intention nor was it his fault, but it's just another thing that he inherited and had to live with.

She watched him leave and a guard took his place, stationed by her cell as always. She didn't go to sleep, she remained alert and paced in her cage, preparing herself for what was to come.

Whether or not her guard was asleep wasn't at all relevant. He was a nuisance at best. He did have a sword, though, and the key to the cell, two things that she needed.

She took a deep breath.

 _This is going to hurt,_ she knew, but she had no choice, and she had to make it hurt in a specific way that would allow her both to escape but also keep going, especially since she had a feeling she would have some fighting to do in the very near future.

She bent down, and jumped as high as she could, managing to grab the wooden beam and pull herself up. There was no way she could do that a few weeks prior. Being fed better certainly helped, and still, it wasn't an easy effort.

 _I guess I owe the king after all._

 ** _"Hey, what are you doing?"_** the guard demanded in confusion.

 _Not asleep, then._ _Oh, well. If this wouldn't have woken him up the next step sure as hell would have._

She placed herself below the window and started hitting it with her shoulder and shoulder blade as hard as she could, over and over again, creating quite the commotion.

 ** _"Stop that right now!"_** the guard panicked. But she didn't, she kept going even though she knew she was causing some serious bruising and that was best case scenario. She very intentionally chose the shoulder that didn't belong to her weapon hand, but another hit and she could tell she probably dislocated it. Her eyes started to burn from the pain but she kept going. She actually managed to crack the window, she didn't even think that would happen.

The guard took out the keys and walked in quickly, fearing that if he waited any longer his prisoner would escape through the window and that would not end well for him.

 ** _"Get off there!"_** the guard threatened and took his sword out.

 ** _"If you insist,"_** Costia shrugged. After all, that was the actual plan all along. She dropped herself right in front of him, smashing his kneecap with her foot before he even had a chance to realize what was happening.

He dropped his sword in surprise and Costia caught it before it even touched the ground, using the handle to smack the guard in the head. He lost consciousness. She leaned down to grab his sword belt and put it around her own waist. It felt oddly satisfying to hold a weapon again.

Another guard rushed in, but he stood no chance and a moment later he was knocked out right next to his friend. This one had a spear and Costia put her new sword in her new belt and picked up the spear.

 _I'm sure I could find a use for this,_ she thought just as the king himself walked in and observed the scene in momentary shock.

 ** _"They'll live"_** she promised, she was still the person who didn't choose to kill just for the sake of killing. **_"And so will you_** ** _."_** She aimed the spear and threw it in Roan's direction, getting his shoulder and pinning him to the wall.

 _This will buy me some time,_ she thought and started running out.

 ** _"Fosgona,"_** he called after her, hoping to reason, not thinking that she'd actually pull this escape off. But even though he didn't belittle her, it didn't mean he realized the full scope of her abilities and motivation.

 ** _"That's Heda to you,"_** she allowed herself a smile over the shoulder and ran into the night.

She spotted a couple of horses easily enough. It was no wonder. The prison was a bit distant from the homes and the gates, it took a little ride to get there, which worked perfectly for her.

She hopped on one of the horses and rode away without looking back. The night wind felt so good on her skin, especially since a voice in her head told her that she was free.

 _Not just yet, Costia, stay alert,_ she berated herself, but she couldn't help the rare joy as she rode through the quiet city. She reached a laundry line and grabbed a cloak without even slowing down, quickly putting it on and covering her face. She reached the gates soon after, confusing the two guards who had no idea who she was but she knew they wouldn't just willingly open the gate. So while they were trying to gather who the mystery rider was, she hopped off the horse and took both of them down, rushing to the lever which would open the gate. She had to use both hands which led to excruciating pain in her injured shoulder but she ignored it. The two archers on the watching towers were trying to decide if it was better to shoot at her or come down and fight her directly, but she worked out her plan in advance, and they were too slow. Soon enough the gates were open, and she was back on her horse and out of the city.

They finally figured out that shooting arrows at her would be the safest bet, but they were too late, and she was quickly out of their range, starting her night long journey to Polis.

She rode urgently, she didn't let herself slow down or become too reckless, but she knew nothing was going to stop her now. Not the king that she left glued to the wall, not a night long ride with an injured shoulder, and definitely, mostly, not the woman who killed her brother, who wanted her lover's body burned.

She was free, and for the first time in so long she knew where her journey was taking her.

* * *

Notes:

1\. I looked and looked and we were never given a reason for why Roan was banished. We might still get one in canon, but at the point of writing and publishing this right before season 4 started, we were yet to have answers. Since it happened before we met him and/or Lexa in canon, I felt like we needed an explanation for this story's sake and it made a lot of sense to me that Lexa did it both for strategic reasons and in light of Costia's death. She did it as part of her demands in order for the Ice Nation to join the coalition. It was a way of punishing Nia for Costia (especially since Nia already lost her other sons) and it also meant that Nia's heir was gone and no one was around to succeed her right away, potentially making her more cautious.

2\. **_"I told your mother years ago, no matter how long it would take, Leksa would end her."_** Volume 1, chapter 38 – "You **will** grow to regret this. You **will** die for this. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after but rest assured, one way or another, she will end you." Which is of course quite powerful because we saw this moment on episode 3x04, accompanied by Lexa's **_Jus drein jus daun_ ** which most believe was her revenge for Costia.

3\. **_"Like my father used to say, you have to try everything in life at least once, otherwise, how would you know?"_** Nardo said it in volume 1 chapters 24 and 30. Confession: I went back and wrote it in for him specifically so Costia could have this moment with Roan here and let it be her reminiscing about her dad and not just saying something that popped into her head. Nardo still walks with her.

4\. I don't know if you had the chance to see that the word "pet" was used in season 4 (4X02) very recently (too late for this story!) In a recent post on his Tumblr, David J. Peterson, the creator of **_Trigedasleng_** confirmed that the word for pet, **_"pichu_** " was very much inspired by Pokémon. I didn't want to integrate it into the story because it didn't appear in the published first volume and I wanted the volumes to match, but I thought it's a cute tidbit to add as a note!

5\. Back in volume 1, chapter 33, Lexa and Costia had an uncomfortable conversation about what happens if Lexa dies, the contingency plan. Costia promised her she'll do as Lexa wished for which is for Costia to take Lexa's place and become the next Commander. That's why Costia's immediately thinks about this after she hears the news.

6\. Roan's mentioned injury - Kane shot him on episode 3X15 when he was trying to help Clarke into Polis.

7\. Ontari being alive is of course, a big change from canon. When Roan agreed to help Clarke, their deal was that Ontari won't die. That's my explanation for it, anyway. To begin with, Clarke meant to use the Flame on herself because she knew Ontari won't play along, but the deal was to keep her alive, hoping that once Clarke saved the day, Ontari will be a more willing to be considerate toward the sky people. Womp womp.

8\. Spoiler (massive one): "It breathes new life into me…" In volume 1, chapter 31, Lexa said this sentence to Costia right after her ascension. And right here, Costia realized that this thing Lexa said is the key at an actual shot of bringing Lexa back. Roan thought she said random things because she was going crazy, but of course, she knew exactly what she's talking about. But Lexa said something else that day, too. She said "you breathe new life into me, too." She had no idea how accurate both parts of her statement would end up being.

9\. Titus, too, is still alive. He has a part to play in all of this. And now Roan will tell us starting from this point exactly how things differ from canon.

10\. "he sounded like a god." This is a bit ironic since neither ALIE nor Becca were gods, but Becca was still viewed at one, still is.

11\. Every thing that went down with Ontari and the blood transfusion was adjusted in order to keep her alive in the story. And speaking of blood transfusion, saying it made Costia think about one of the first and only fights she ever had with Lexa and it was about this subject, back in volume 1, chapter 18. One of the reasons I wanted them to fight about it to begin with was to establish that Costia knew of the concept, and also to show us how the people of the clans would feel about it (not too good, if you remember Lexa's reaction.)

12\. Another big change from canon is that Clarke was faced with an ultimatum. They were already on borrowed time with what Clarke learned in the City of Light even before Ontari wasted 10 days in search of the Flame. You can be sure that Clarke tried to explain all of this to Ontari, but you can imagine how well that went.

13\. "It was time for the long promised contingency plan." See note number 5.

14\. Spoiler (massive one): "Roan could see a wild look in her eyes, something murderous, something he hadn't seen before, not even when he told her Lexa died." That's because at this point Costia already had hope that she could undo it, and for a few horrible seconds Roan took that last hope from her.

15\. "That's not how tradition goes for past Commanders!" In volume 1, chapter 11, Lexa tells Costia that past Commanders are to be taken to the sacred temple.

16\. Spoiler: (massive one): _**"**_ ** _I want you to know that her body was not violated."_** This is important because we never actually saw her body being burned in canon and I thought it was an interesting choice (meaning one that in a way leaves the door open in case they ever want to bring her back.)

17\. "Weapon hand" - you'd think it should be "sword hand," but Costia's weapon is not a sword ;)

18\. Well, then, gentle readers, you have no idea how much I wanted this to happen in canon ever since Lexa and Clarke talked about the missing circle in Lexa's back tattoo. The way Lexa acted when Clarke asked about it always felt to me more fitting to be about Costia rather than Luna. Ever since her name was first mentioned, I felt like she must've been stashed somewhere. Like I mentioned in notes in volume 1, and on Tumblr when I first introduced the story, as a writer, once you name something you give it importance and it was hard for me to believe that the show named her but we won't ever get to meet her. So this whole story happened, and if this **was** canon I suspect this would be the time to use #CostiaLives :D

You've seen the minor changes. I had to create a world in which things went down the same way they did in canon, but Titus and Ontari were still alive, and there's no Luna (though I promised you back in volume 1 a bonus chapter, a spin-off to the spin-off in which both Luna **and** Costia existed. The "10 novitiates rather than 9" scenario and we'll get to it in due time.)

Roan basically gave us a recap of the events, also telling us exactly what's changed from canon. So I hope everything is sorted in your heads now.

As for our survivor Costia, I wanted to show that in her core she's still the character we met in volume 1, but of course, three years in **_Azgeda_** did change her in some ways.

I was hoping for a while that _The 100_ would do a spin-off about Lexa's history so they could introduce Costia and then add her to the main show, but, dreams are dreams, and that's why we write fanfiction, and we call it "The 100 and the prisoner of **_Azgeda_** (that's a little _Harry Potter_ joke.)

I tricked you into loving her and now she and Clarke exist in the same world at the same time and you have no choice but loving both of them. Muhahaha!


	41. De Seken Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

They were led into the throne room by the guards. Clarke couldn't help but notice that the guards averted their eyes from her. They knew she saved them all, they knew what it was like to be in the City of Light. After all, they were all there, even their Commander, the same one who now waited in the throne room for their execution. It was clear the guards weren't so sure what they were doing was right, or just, but they were serving at the pleasure of the Commander.

Clarke looked to her side, where Titus walked as a prisoner as well, head high in pride. He never took the chip, and he paid the price for it. Indra, who was on Clarke's other side, told her he was hanged on a cross right next to her.

Clarke was overcome with anger. She couldn't help but think this was all his fault. If Lexa didn't die the fight against ALIE would have been so different. **Everything** would have been different.

They've been pushed to the side of the room, where her seat as an ambassador used to be. Now they were here as prisoners, about to take their last breaths.

 _Too bad I didn't die with the Flame still in me,_ she thought. Had she known Ontari would be so thick headed, maybe she would've found a way to not wake up. This was not what she expected as gratitude.

 _And then Roan says I have a gratitude problem._ _Where is he, anyway?_

She was hoping he would show up last minute and talk some sense into Ontari, but that hope proved to be futile.

 _It's okay, as long as the Flame is out of her reach, I've done my job. I can finally rest. We all can. She'll have to figure out how to deal with what's coming._

Ontari clearly figured her out because a moment later she smiled viciously. Clarke looked to her sides, where Indra and Titus were. The three of them were chosen as the first ones to be executed to set an example. They were the closest to Lexa. It was no wonder Ontari wanted them gone.

Clarke had to go through another heartbreaking goodbye with her mother.

Based on the confused looks she got from Titus and Indra, though, she realized they, too, had no idea what got Ontari so excited.

"Bring her in," Ontari ordered and the guards pushed Octavia forward.

Clarke gasped. She knew with finality that they have lost. Octavia managed to sneak out of the city with the Flame. While everyone was so busy searching the newest **_Fleimkepa,_** Clarke passed it to Octavia who escaped the city. It took them ten days, but it appears that they have finally caught up with her.

"We found your little decoy," Ontari announced happily, "except," she sighed, "the Flame wasn't on her, either."

Clarke looked at Octavia in surprise. She entrusted her with the most important thing she had. Did Octavia really lose it that easily?

But no, Octavia was grinning as she said "I'm sorry to disappoint, Commander. I guess I dropped it somewhere. Oops."

Clarke sighed in relief. She knew based on Octavia's antics that Octavia knew exactly where the Flame was. And wherever that was, it wasn't here, thank god.

"Ontari, listen to me," Clarke tried and took a small step forward, not missing the way Ontari responded to Clarke's use of her name rather than her title. "All of you, you've all been in the City of Light, you remember things, you know things you didn't known before. You can't explain it, but you can feel it. You have to realize there's greater danger coming. We have less than six months, we already wasted too much time. We have to work together if we want to survive this."

She's been trying to tell Ontari for days, but Ontari wouldn't listen. She told many of her own people. She didn't want to create panic, but they were running out of time.

"Those who are about to die would say anything," Ontari shook her head impatiently gesturing for the guards to push Octavia to the side of the room, where Clarke, Titus and Indra were. "Last chance, Clarke, where's my Flame?"

"Wherever it is, it's not **your** Flame," A voice declared behind the crowd and Clarke was surprised when Indra gasped next to her. Indra's head snapped in the voice's direction so quickly that Clarke thought it might fall off her neck. Indra grabbed Octavia's arm forcefully.

"Ow," Octavia whined.

 ** _"Fosgona, Fosgona,"_** different members of the Commander's guard whispered in disbelieve as they bowed in respect and parted to let the stranger come forward.

The moment the stranger came to view and positioned herself in the center of the room, all the ambassadors gasped. Clarke had never seen the girl before. Her beauty was striking, but there was something haunted about her.

"And this is **not** your throne," the stranger continued, locking eyes with the Commander and not backing down.

Ontari clenched her fists.

"It can't be," Indra uttered in disbelief.

"It's not possible!" Titus blurted, not realizing he spoke out loud.

Costia tried to control her breath and calm herself down. She wasn't scared at the least, she was enraged. She looked at Ontari, realizing she never hated someone so much in her entire life. She wasn't a hate sort of person in general, but looking at Ontari she knew what hating someone with every fiber of one's being felt like. It wasn't a pleasant feeling and for that she hated Ontari even more.

"I see that the pet has escaped," Ontari noted in boredom, trying to seem unfazed. "How did you get in here?"

"Your guards let me walk right in," Costia smirked "I guess you are not very liked, Ontari. I, on the other hand am one of theirs. So maybe I should say **my** guards let me right in. I guess they prefer a ghost over a Commander with no Flame," Costia spat, making Ontari grit her teeth.

Clarke was following the entire exchange intently, trying not to miss a thing. Whomever this stranger was, Clarke had a feeling this was a good development.

"Where's King Roan?"Ontari demanded.

"Not far behind, I'm guessing," Costia shrugged. "I left him glued to the wall in **_Azgeda_** with a spear in his shoulder."

Clarke noticed that ever since the stranger walked in Titus was on edge, but now he clearly got to his boiling point.

"You just confirmed that you abducted and harbored a known **_Natblida,_** " he addressed Ontari in anger as the realization finally dawned on him. There was so much he didn't understand, but the girl in front of the throne was very much alive. "That's treason!" he pointed out in horror.

"So is shooting the Commander," Costia commented coldly without turning toward him. She didn't need his help, didn't **want** his help.

 _Natblida?_ Clarke wondered in puzzlement.

"Who is she?" she asked Indra, surprised by everything that the newcomer seemed to know.

"Salvation," Indra replied and Clarke could've sworn that her eyes got teary. Octavia looked at Indra in confusion and then exchanged looks with Clarke, both aware that they were missing a piece of the puzzle, a big one.

"Number eight," Titus blurted unknowingly but something in Clarke's brain clicked as she looked back at the stranger, observing her with deeper scrutiny.

"Number eight?" She voiced, perplexed. "Number eight from Lexa's conclave?"

But both Indra and Titus ignored her and kept staring intently to see how the staring match between Ontari and the stranger will unfold.

"Her face looks familiar," Octavia noted, suddenly realizing. She knew where she recognized the stranger from, but not who the stranger was. "Lincoln's book," she added quietly, sadly.

"She was Lincoln's friend?" Clarke questioned in surprise.

"Hush, sky girl. We need to listen to this," Indra scolded.

"I call for a vote of no confidence!" Titus announced next to them, seeing the opening, losing his patience.

" ** _Skaikru_** support this vote," Clarke added immediately. Her instincts told her to follow Titus' lead on this. The stranger looked at her and smirked which let Clarke know her instincts were correct.

"You have no say in here, sky girl," Ontari barked.

"Only because you are trying to undo the will of the previous Commander!" Clarke barked right back.

"The previous Commander was a weak fool," Ontari challenged with narrowed eyes.

"The previous Commander was everything you'll never be," Costia stated coldly, calmly, regaining Ontari's attention.

 _Yes, this has to be a good development,_ Clarke thought. Whomever this person was, she was on Lexa's side which meant Clarke was on her side.

"The only reason you are here right now is because I didn't take part in the conclave," Costia continued between gritted teeth. "Neither did you, for that matter. Not really. Yet you still managed to kill my brother."

"Her brother?" Clarke wondered out loud. "Who's her brother?"

 _One of the novitiates?_ She assumed based on context.

"Hush!" Indra scolded again.

That was the moment Roan rushed into the room. Costia heard him and turned around to confirm that it was indeed him. Then she turned back towards Ontari, smiling.

"Good, the king has arrived. Everyone is here now," she turned to the ambassadors so she could look to each one of them in the eye.

"She has stained this place," Costia started, pointing at Ontari. "She thinks she's better than our laws."

"So do you. You are not supposed to be alive either. You didn't win a conclave," Ontari pointed out.

"I didn't lose one either, technically speaking," Costia countered casually.

Indra snorted and Costia turned to her, offering her a small, genuine smile. There were so many emotions in both their eyes, but they couldn't have an appropriate reunion, not yet.

"My life was given to me by the Commander," Costia continued, addressing the ambassadors again. "She stole others' to become one. At least I took a part in a conclave, she didn't," she turned back to Ontari. "And who knows when **you** were discovered. You should've probably been in Lexa and mine's conclave in which case you would have been dead beyond belief right now, but we can still take care of that."

"When **I** was discovered?" Ontari laughed sarcastically. "That's interesting, coming from **you**."

But Costia didn't flinch, she smiled, instead, because she had anticipated this.

"Let two abominations fight then, see which one the spirit **really** chooses," Costia challenged smugly.

"Fine, pet," Ontari agreed with a sour face and stood up. "King Roan of **_Azgeda_** would fight on my behalf."

Roan stepped forward and exchanged looks with Costia. He realized then and there what she meant when she told him that when the time comes he'd play his part. He was finally ready to admit that with Ontari as **_Heda_** he will never be a true leader to his people. He wasn't afraid to die, but it seemed pointless, he already knew Costia was going to win.

"When Lexa was the Commander she insisted on fighting her own battles," he reminded. He didn't need to finish the sentence. Ontari knew very well that if she didn't follow suit, she'll be embarrassed and perceived as weak.

"I'm still recovering from massive blood loss," Ontari pointed out.

"And I'm still recovering from three years of torture and starvation, so I guess that balances the scales," Costia replied coldly. "Listen to your king, Ontari," she mocked, "and let's see if killing children in their sleep is the best you can do," she spat.

"I will end you," Ontari growled.

"You'll try your best, I'm sure," Costia shrugged in a way that drove Ontari insane.

"It is settled, then," Titus concluded before things would get out of hand. "Tomorrow, at midday, single combat, **_Ontari kom Azgeda_** will face…" he looked at Costia hesitantly, she quirked her eyebrow at him challengingly, " ** _Kostia kom okru,"_** he concluded.

"Did you just say Costia?" Clarke looked at Titus in complete and utter shock. It all made sense now.

" **O _kru_**?" Octavia asked Indra. She never heard of Costia so the name wasn't the part that confused her. It was the belonging.

But Clarke and Octavia were both ignored still.

"What happened to Lexa's little violence hating lover?" Ontari mocked.

"She's taking a little vacation," Costia was quick to reply.

 _It's her,_ Clarke got her confirmation and looked at Costia in a whole new light. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel about the information.

 _But she's dead,_ Clarke thought in bewilderment.

"In the mean time, release these people," Costia demanded, gesturing at them but very clearly meaning everyone. "You have no authority to decide whether or not they live or die."

"I am the Commander," Ontari reminded angrily.

"I'm sorry, I guess I missed the part where you ascended?" Costia offered nonchalantly.

Indra chuckled again. It was an actual, joyful laughter. Clarke and Octavia looked at her in shock. Joyful wasn't something they'd expected from the older warrior.

Ontari sent a hateful look in Costia's direction.

But Costia was right, there was no actual Commander at the moment, and if that wasn't enough, the people who were keeping the prisoners imprisoned were members of the Commander's guard, of Lexa's guard. Most of them served for life, meaning the majority of them served under Costia at some point. So when she repeated herself and calmly said "let these people go," they replied with "Yes, **_Fosgona_** ," to Ontari's dismay.

"You can try and kill them again tomorrow," Costia shrugged, "but you'll be too pre-occupied." She turned around and without a second glance, left the room, the guards parting and bowing again as she passed them by.

"We're going to need that Flame," Indra said to both girls and ran toward the exit, trying to follow Costia.

"Well, **I'm** gonna need a recount of everything that just happened here!" Clarke called after her, but Indra didn't stop. "Indra!" she tried again. "Indra!" But Indra was a woman on a mission and she was gone.

Clarke gave Ontari one final disdained look, and left the room too, followed by Octavia.

* * *

Notes:

1\. " _And then Roan says I have a gratitude problem."_ Episode 3X15, he says that to Clarke in the woods when she pulls a gun at him.

2\. "Those who are about to die would say anything." Indra said this to Clarke on episode 2X07, the very first time we met Lexa. I liked the notion that this is a common saying among the Grounders so this was a golden opportunity to use it.

3\. Octavia recognizing Costia from Lincoln's book - In volume 1, chapter 32, Lincoln visited Polis to let them know that the chief of Ton DC had died. He drew Costia in his book before he left.

It's not just the relationship between Costia and Clarke that was interesting for me to explore. There's the woman who was Costia's best friend's soulmate. That is also a dynamic I was fascinated with.

4.I felt like Costia deserved this sort of closure when it came to Ontari and that alone was enough of a reason to keep her alive in this story.


	42. De Seken Chapter 41

**A/N:** I hope this chapter will help put some things in order. So much was going on with Costia's return. So many questions. How come she's alive? How come Lexa never talked about her conclave at length but neither did anyone else? I wanted to have it all explained in a way that felt authentic and I hope I did.

I spent a few chapters exploring the first few days following Costia's return. Just think about all of the things she had to handle and she wasn't event told about the pending doom, not yet. I didn't want to rush this.

 **Chapter 41**

Costia was walking down the main street of Polis, face hidden under her cloak. She was lost in thought, trying to figure out what to do next. There was a **lot** that needed to be done.

 _But where to start?_

 ** _"Kostia! Kostia!"_** Indra called after the short Nightblood, but Costia was so distracted she didn't hear her. ** _"Don't you walk away from me, girl!"_** Indra threatened and her voice finally registered as Costia stopped in her tracks.

She turned around, a wide smile on her face and took off the cloak. Indra's calls were enough to pique at people's curiosity. They didn't think they were hearing correctly.

 _Let them see,_ Costia thought, still grinning, letting Indra catch up with her. _Let them all see that their princess is back. Let them all be there tomorrow to bear witness._

Costia's loss was a loss for all of Polis. Lexa never let her complete and utter heartbreak show, but the people loved Costia, loved Costia and Lexa together. They went through a period of mourning, too. Yet there she was, like a ghost, standing in front of the chief of Ton DC. They all just been through the hell that was the City of Light, and they woke up to see nothing has changed. Their beloved Commander was still gone and the new one wanted to kill the person who saved everyone. But here stood a beacon of hope. Just like the Flame on the top of the tower.

 ** _"Fosgna,"_** Costia started hearing the whispers from all around her as people stared in awe. Some bowed, some got down on their knees. She looked up to examine Indra's shocked face.

 ** _"Indra,"_** she offered, full of emotion, her jaw shaking as she tried to stop the tears from coming.

A moment later Indra was hugging her tightly. They've never hugged before, but Costia didn't care. She ignored the pain in her left shoulder, she didn't care they had witnesses, either. Things were about to change, for the better, she hoped, and she was more than willing to make things that seemed like weakness in the past not seem as such anymore.

 ** _"How?"_** Indra asked the moment they broke their hug. Both her hands were still on Costia's shoulders, she didn't want to let the girl out of her sight. She had to maintain physical contact to prove to herself that Costia was real. Everyone has been seeing this mystery woman who almost destroyed them all in the City of Light. Indra had to make sure Costia wasn't some weird fragment of her imagination.

 ** _"We have time for that later,"_** Costia assured and softly took Indra's hand off her injured shoulder. **_"For now I need food, I need clothes and I need a healer."_**

Indra grabbed a man who was standing next to her.

 ** _"You, go find the prisoners. They're being released right now. Find me Nyko, send him to the temple,"_** she ordered. She'd never seen the man before in her life but by the look on his face it was very clear he was going to do as he was told.

 ** _"Nyk's here?"_** Costia asked, relived, happy. **_"He always said the healers in Polis are shit._** ** _I guess it's my lucky day."_**

 ** _"He arrived a day after Wanheda destroyed the City of Light,"_** Indra explained. **_"He assumed many people could use a healer. He was right."_**

 ** _"And Ontari imprisoned him with the rest of you."_** It wasn't a question.

 ** _"Yes. He seemed too comfortable with skaikru. Come on,"_** Indra grabbed her arm and lead her toward the temple.

 ** _"Titus isn't going to like us using it,"_** Costia noted as they approached the entrance.

 ** _"Well, we need space, and we need privacy. Why, do you care?"_** Indra challenged with a raised eyebrow.

 ** _"Do I look like I care?"_** Costia smirked.

 ** _"You look like a dead girl,"_** Indra sighed heavily. **_"Did you know I was the one who suggested you should come to Polis? Back when Lexa just started training?"_** Indra admitted guiltily, leading Costia into the candle-lit temple. Many times over the years Indra felt that if she'd just never voiced her idea, Costia would've been alive, maybe Nardo, too. Certainly Aden.

 ** _"I did know, thank you."_** Costia's tone was genuine and she caught Indra by surprise. That's not what the woman who felt everything was partially her fault had expected. **_"Thank you for helping me get to where I was always meant to be,"_** Costia clarified, looking at Indra intently, wanting Indra to understand that she didn't regret it, the move to Polis. Indra accepted Costia's words gratefully and seemed visibly relieved. But it wasn't all.

 ** _"I'm sorry for you loss,"_** Indra continued.

 ** _"Which one?"_** Costia sighed. That's when she realized they needed to send someone to Ton DC. Her step mother who lost everything had to know.

 _Unless she, too is…_

 ** _"Indra…"_**

 ** _"She's alive. She's in Ton DC. Being watched, under my orders,"_** Indra was quick to assure.

 ** _"Why?"_** Costia inquired in confusion.

 ** _"When Aden died it was the last straw,"_** Indra explained sadly. **_"She was trying to sneak out of their quarters in the tower in the middle of the night and someone noticed her and thought it was suspicious. She plotted to kill Ontari. Luckily these guards are still loyal to you. Someone sent her to Ton DC. If they haven't found out on time she'd be dead right now. But I think that was her backup plan, so someone is watching her constantly. For her own good."_**

Costia's heart broke all over again. Dara was a bread maker, not a warrior and definitely not a killer. How far she must have been pushed to have a death wish like that.

 ** _"Well, let her go. I want her there tomorrow,"_** Costia demanded.

 ** _"Kostia, I'd gladly let her go once we know she will neither try to harm herself or Ontari, but don't you want to wait until after tomorrow? Until you know for sure you are staying alive?"_**

 ** _"You have doubts?"_** Costia raised a teasing, questioning eyebrow.

 ** _"I'll send a messenger,"_** Indra smiled. **_"But you and I? We need to talk."_**

This was the moment Nyko chose to run into the temple. Costia heard him and turned around. Their eyes locked and he froze.

 ** _"I thought…"_** he started and swallowed hard. **_"I thought that man you sent was mad, but the whole city is talking. How…?"_** he didn't finish the question, they rushed into each other's arms and embraced tightly.

 ** _"So my shoulder is actually a mess and you're hurting it,"_** Costia chuckled lightly but when he let her go he saw that she was crying. **_"Nyk,"_** she started and he put two hands on her cheeks, cupping her face.

 ** _"Let me look at you,"_** he was crying, too. **_"Are people still seeing people who aren't actually there?"_** he turned to ask Indra who smiled at him softly.

 ** _"That's what I was thinking, too, but this girl was about to explain exactly how it is that her head is still on her shoulders,"_** Indra crossed her arms.

 ** _"Always so blunt,"_** Costia snorted. **_"Nyk, I need you to take a look, because I need to destroy Ontari tomorrow. I can tell you all about it while you make sure I'm not entirely broken."_**

 ** _"I'll need you to take your clothes off,"_** Nyko agreed and quickly switched to healer mode.

 ** _"Words I never wanted to hear from you,"_** Costia chuckled and slowly started to peal her clothes off. It was hard with the pain in her shoulder, but eventually she was left in her under garments.

 ** _"What have they done to you?"_** Indra was full of rage as she observed Costia's body, noticing the new scars. New, but years old, healed now.

 ** _"We should call Abby,"_** Nyko told Indra.

 ** _"Wanheda's mom?"_** Costia asked and saw the surprised looks on her friends' faces. **_"The guards at Azgeda like to talk. It's been nothing but skaikru gossip for months. How skaikru found a way to turn Reapers back into man."_**

 ** _"Yes,"_** Indra confirmed. **_"So you've been imprisoned in Azgeda this whole time then?"_**

Costia nodded in confirmation. Nyko touched her shoulder gently and she hissed.

 ** _"Dislocated,"_** he concluded.

 ** _"I know,"_** Costia confirmed. **_"This was part one of my escape plan. If you pop it back will it be okay for tomorrow? It's not my weapon hand, but still."_**

 ** _"It will hurt, a lot, but I can give you something for the pain right before, and now, so you can sleep,"_** he suggested.

 ** _"Do it,"_** she took a breath and he popped it back into place, making her release a whimper.

He moved on with his examination.

 ** _"Kostia,"_** Indra continued quietly, **_"they had your head delivered to Leksa's bed,"_** Indra pointed out, shaking her own head as a new wave of disbelief hit her. **_"She was… she didn't let anyone see, but she was… shattered."_**

Costia swallowed hard. They were supposed to be binded. They were supposed to have everything. Instead, Lexa was dead. She died thinking she lost Costia. They never got to say goodbye.

 ** _"They found a girl,"_** she started to explain hoarsely. **_"I don't know if she was from Azgeda, or just some unlucky merchant,"_** Costia released an angry breath. She may have been alive, but someone **did** die, because of her. **_"She had a scar on her lip, similar to mine,"_** Costia continued and looked up at Indra who nodded in sad understanding. **_"They burned her alive, right in front of me. She didn't resemble anything afterwards. I guess the fire twisted her face enough so any difference in the shape of the scar seemed as a result of the fire,"_** she pushed through, voice becoming mechanical. Three years of imprisonment, hundreds of awful memories, and that one was still one of those which haunted her the most. **_"And then they cut her head off, also right in front of me,"_** her voice trailed off and Indra knew they've lost her momentarily.

Just as Indra was about to speak again, to tell Costia how sorry she was, Clarke barged into the temple followed by Octavia.

She noticed Costia was half naked. Costia was quick to cover herself. She didn't care about her current state of exposure. That's not what she didn't want Clarke to see. "Sorry," Clarke blurted in surprise. To her additional surprise, Costia offered her a soft smile.

Clarke turned around quickly to give Costia some privacy, but she noticed it, the thing Costia wanted to hide. The tattoo on her left arm, a perfect match to Lexa's even though it was slightly harmed. She didn't know what to make of it. She didn't know what to make of Costia.

Indra joined her and Octavia by the door and led them outside, letting Nyko finish his work with no more interruptions.

"Who is that?" Octavia finally asked. Clarke seemed to know something but whatever it was, she didn't share it on their way to the temple.

"Lexa's dead girlfriend," Clarke provided quietly, the words feeling foreign in her mouth. "I don't understand. Lexa said she was dead." Octavia looked at her in shock. Why was Lexa's dead girlfriend in her own dead boyfriend's book?

"We all believed she was," Indra explained. "Oh, if Lexa was here now…" but she never finished the sentence, it was too painful for her and she could see it had a similar effect on the young Flamekeeper.

"She's a Nightblood?" Clarke questioned. None of the day's events and revelations made sense. And at the same time, they made perfect sense.

"Did Lexa ever tell you about her conclave?" Indra asked softly. This wasn't an easy situation, but she needed Clarke to understand this was good news, amazing, even.

"Yes," Clarke confirmed. "I knew there was someone who didn't die at the conclave. When Ontari declared herself **_Heda_** and Titus and I were trying to figure out what to do, I brought it up, asked him about it, since Lexa didn't want to talk about it."

 _And now I know why._

"But I figured it could be a solution," she concluded.

"And Titus?"

"He confirmed there was another person at the conclave, but he said it wasn't relevant, that this person wasn't at our disposal, and he was adamant to not talk about it further. Just like Lexa," Clarke explained.

"Yes, none of us ever talked about it. I think we all carried some guilt about it, even him," Indra explained sadly. She understood that well enough. She just expressed her own feelings of guilt to Costia earlier.

"The plan, before ALIE happened, was for me to keep the Flame out of Polis and scout the villages for someone to oppose Ontari," Clarke continued.

"Well, you haven't found anyone yet and that's a good thing, because now we have someone to oppose Ontari. Where is it?" Indra turned to Octavia.

"Keep the Flame close to the flame," Octavia smiled. "I never took it out of Polis. It's on the roof of the tower. Under the scaffold that holds the torch," she revealed.

"You left in such a hurry they were sure if they get you they get it," Clarke grinned in awe. "You are a genius."

"We need to go and get it," Indra ordered.

"I don't even know in what state the Flame is though, Indra," Clarke admitted sadly. "The City of Light was destroyed. I'm not sure what happened when we separated the Flame from it." She thought about mentioning Lexa but decided against it. "What if Costia actually wins…"

"Oh, she will win," Indra promised. They didn't know Costia well yet, what she was capable of, but they were about to.

"Okay, what if she wins and we put this thing in her and it kills her?" Clarke questioned in worry. She had enough blood on her hands. She didn't want to be responsible for the death of someone Lexa loved.

"That's her decision to make," Indra stated matter-of-factly. Indra never made it into the City of Light, but even if she had, there was still a part of her that believed, had to believe, that the spirit of the Commander would never harm Costia.

Clarke was about to say something but Titus suddenly appeared from up the street and walked right into the temple. They all followed him in.

"You leave that girl alone, **_Fleimkepa,"_** Indra warned. She didn't think Costia would be happy to see him. But it was too late.

"This is still **my** temple," he countered, turning around, coming face to face with Costia who was dressed again.

"Actually, it's the Commander's temple," Costia corrected curtly.

"Costia," he tried. There was a lot he had to understand, and he had to make sure she won in the upcoming battle.

"You have some nerve coming to me now," she spat. No matter how much she wanted to be forgiving, this was the man who killed the love of her life. "You are lucky she'd want me to confide in you because I'm fighting the urge to put a sword through your throat," she added in a cold blooded tone.

Clarke felt a shiver goes down her spine. She understood better than most people what it felt like to push her own feelings down in order to focus on something else, more pressing matters.

"That's never been your way," he reminded calmly.

"How do you know? Maybe it is now," she stepped closer to him. "What do you want, **_Fleimkepa_**?"

"I want to know everything that's happened to you," he admitted softly, understanding that demands will not help him get his way.

"All you need to know is that Nia was quite happy to keep the Commander's **"** weakness **"** around, because who knows when she was going to use me as some sort of a bargaining chip," Costia sneered. The world was a dark twisted place. "Now, tell me," she stepped even closer, "where are my things Titus?"

She wanted her clothes, she wanted her books, she wanted her Bo. But what she really wanted was Lexa's things.

"I don't have your things," he lied. He knew that giving her her belongings meant parting with Lexa's belongings, too. And that was all he had left of the woman he cared so much about.

Costia saw right through him.

"You loved her like a daughter, you have **her** things. And she would never get rid of my belongings, so wherever you have her things, it's my things, too," she argued, knowing by his look that her assessment was accurate. She lowered her voice again, making sure he was the only one who heard her. "And I'm the closest thing you have to a next of kin anyway."

But he didn't flinch. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he just couldn't stand the thought of parting with a part of Lexa again. Maybe Costia understood what it was about, maybe she just didn't have enough energy to argue with him.

"Fine. Tomorrow after I win the conclave it will be an order and then you'll have no choice," she pointed out and turned away from him.

She didn't really want to go into battle in what she was wearing, and she didn't want to use a sword, but she was going to do both. She didn't want to deal with petty arguments. She wanted food, she wanted sleep. Nyko said she was fine other than her shoulder. She knew some of it was thanks to Roan and her somewhat improved conditions for the past few months. But Nyko also gave her something to help her rest and she was already getting loopy.

"I need to rest," she announced to everyone in the room. "But I promise you, if you still have questions tomorrow, I'll be happy to answer them. Even later tonight once this thing wears off," she added and shook her head, trying to shake the dizziness along with it. It didn't work.

"I'm coming with you," Indra announced. Considering Ontari's history with sleeping Nightbloods, Indra had no intention leaving Costia's safety to chance.

"Me too," Nyko added.

"I want to come as well," Octavia announced to everyone's surprise. Costia was still a stranger. But Octavia had questions, and she figured that if this girl was in Lincoln's book, she mattered to him. So she mattered to Octavia.

Costia smiled softly. **_"Oktavia kom skaikru,"_** she said happily. She was excited to meet this person that made her best friend's heart full.

"You know who I am?"

"Yes," Costia confirmed, "the guards at… oh," she stopped because she got dizzy all over again. "What did you give me, Nyk?"

He laughed lightly, finally not in a healer's mode anymore, letting the fact that his best friend was back from the dead sink in.

They led her out, planning to head to a tavern, and were surprised to find more members of the Commander's guard waiting for them.

 ** _"Thomas,"_** [7] Costia looked at him in shock, realizing that they all left Ontari behind to come here and serve her.

 ** _"Fosgona,"_** he bowed respectfully.

 ** _"Not for very much longer,"_** she replied with a smile that was eagerly returned.

* * *

She woke up hours later, feeling much better, but starved. She sat in bed and saw that Titus was there, staring at her. Indra was on the other side of the room, not taking her eyes off him.

 ** _"I don't suppose you are here with food,"_** she addressed him groggily.

 ** _"I sent Oktavia to get you something not too long ago, I wasn't sure when you'd wake up,"_** Indra provided.

By the looks of it, it was already night time, and when Costia went to sleep it was still early in the day. She was wondering how long she was asleep for.

 ** _"You shouldn't fight tomorrow,"_** Titus stated.

Costia rolled her eyes.

 ** _"I'm serious, Kostia,"_** he continued. **_"This is a bad plan that might get you killed. And you won't even get to be with Leksa because you won't have the Flame"_** , he pointed out, thinking he found a way to convince her.

Costia shouldn't have been surprised that he was so doubtful. After all, the man never knew what she was capable off. She never let him see. He was in for a surprise.

 ** _"Give me time, I'll get that vote of no confidence,"_** he continued. He wanted her as the new Commander, he just didn't think she could win against Ontari.

 ** _"No. Your ambassadors are part of the problem,"_** she countered calmly. **_"I will fight. If I die, then the pain o_** ** _ver everyone I lost would finally stop. But Titus, I won't die,"_** she added with conviction.

 ** _"How can you know that?"_**

 ** _"You believe the spirit of the Commander will choose? Well, Leksa is in there. Who do you think she's going to choose?"_**

The statement seemed to have startled him, as if he didn't even think about it.

He was about to respond but then Octavia and Clarke walked into the room.

"Sorry," Octavia apologized. "We heard you talking so we figured Costia was awake and we brought food," she smiled apologetically and gestured at the bag she was holding.

"Oh, thank god, give me that!" Costia ordered and stood up to grab the bag. She sat back down and started devouring the food. "It's from the bread shop," she observed with a smile, talking with her mouth full.

"Yeah, Indra sent me to the owner," Octavia confirmed, weirdly enjoying seeing Costia so excited about food. "He was asleep but once I told him it was for you…"

"Asleep?" Costia asked in shock. She saw through the window that the sun was down but she didn't realize how late it was.

"You've slept for hours, Costia," Indra provided. "It'll be dawn soon."

Costia stopped mid-bite. "I guess I **did** ride to Polis for the entirety of last night," Costia pointed out.

"And been imprisoned for three years," Indra reminded.

"Yes. **That** ," Costia agreed and the two women smiled at each other comfortably. She hadn't slept like that since she's been captured. She was always too alert. "I need to get ready, then," She finally realized, lost in thought.

"Do you need me to get you anything?" Octavia offered, once again not sure why she was so eager to help, but knowing that Costia was someone who knew Lincoln.

"How about you stay," Costia offered kindly. She was just as curios about Octavia as Octavia was about her. "Indra?"

"Yes, what do you need?"

"Well, my own clothes would be nice," Costia replied and glared at Titus. "And my Bo."

He huffed and left the room.

"I'm sorry, Costia," Indra provided, shaking her head at Titus' behavior.

"Don't be. He'll be left with little choice tomorrow. I just don't like that it's my second conclave and I still can't use my own damn weapon," she growled.

"I will find some clothes. And armor," Indra offered.

"No need. I'll wear this until after the conclave, and I don't want armor."

"Costia…" Indra warned.

"These people need a show. Otherwise they'll keep doubting that I deserve this."

"Fine," Indra gritted her teeth. "What, then?"

"Just some war paint, please."

"I will find my mother," Clarke offered. "I trust Nyko, but…"

"But she's a doctor?" Costia suggested knowingly. "I told you, guards at **_Azgeda_** love their gossip," Costia snorted when everyone looked at her in confusion. "Thank you, but I don't think I need a doctor at the moment to tell me I'm probably low on all sorts of vitamins and can use some sunlight," Costia chuckled. "I'd love to see her after the conclave, though," she added gratefully.

Clarke searched Costia's face in confusion. The guards at **_Azgeda_** may have explained how Costia knew her mother was some sort of a healer, but how did she even know what a doctor was? Or understood concepts like vitamins and sunlight? These weren't exactly terms the common Grounder healer would use.

"I'll let her know," Clarke agreed and Costia smiled softly.

"Come on," Indra rushed Clarke and they both left Costia and Octavia alone.

Costia took another bite of the bread and moaned in pleasure.

"We had meat this afternoon, too," Octavia started awkwardly, "but we weren't sure when you'd wake up and we didn't want it to go rotten. But now that you're awake I should probably get you some," she stood up, realizing that her errand wasn't over.

"It's fine, Octavia. I was in a cell for three years, I'm really not picky," Costia smirked. Octavia visibly relaxed and sat down.

"So, you knew Lincoln?" she finally asked the burning question. She wanted to be respectful and give this person who was basically a stranger some time, but she was curious, too.

Costia smiled widely, thinking about the man who was so dear to her. "He was my best friend," she admitted to Octavia's surprise. "We grew up together," she looked away, reminiscing. "He was the one who made me admit I was in love with Lexa," she closed her eyes, relishing in the memory of that day outside of Ton DC, sitting on a tree branch with him, watching a couple below them kiss.

"He never mentioned you," Octavia confessed apologetically.

"I imagine he wouldn't," Costia sighed sadly. "He probably felt guilty. He was with me the day the Ice Nation took me. He probably thought it was his fault, the idiot," Costia shook her head.

"There's a drawing of you in his book," Octavia mentioned, thinking that this information on its own was enough to prove that Costia mattered to Octavia's dead lover. She took the book out of the bag and opened it on the relevant page, showing it to Costia.

"I remember that day," Costia noted emotionally. "It was the same day Lexa made Indra chief of Ton DC."

"Can you tell me more, please?" Octavia pleaded. "He's gone, I can't have any new memories, but I can have some old ones that I never heard before," she explained, but she didn't have to, Costia understood perfectly.

"I'm so glad he had you." Costia's voice was full of emotions as she scanned Octavia's face. "He looked for you for so long. That person who would make his entire world make sense," she added and could see how deeply touched Octavia was by her words. "There was something always missing, I'm so sorry that he's gone, but I'm so happy to know that at the end, he was whole."

Octavia looked away. She always knew what she and Lincoln shared was special, but getting that validation from someone who on the one hand was a total stranger to her but on the other probably knew Lincoln better than anyone aside from herself, made her feel overwhelmed.

"Is it true that your birth was illegal?" Costia asked suddenly, softly. She heard rumors in **_Azgeda_** about **_Oktavia kom skaikru,_** but she wanted to hear it from the source. "I heard you were hidden under the floor most of your life. What was it like?" She thought she found a kindred spirit in Octavia. Both knew what it was like to be imprisoned, but there was something else they both knew while others didn't, and Costia wasn't sure Octavia figured it out yet.

"I don't know," Octavia shrugged, "what was it like to be born in the woods?" she countered. She didn't like to revisit her Ark days very much.

"I didn't try to shame you," Costia apologized, "and I wouldn't know what it's like to be born in the woods. I was born on Mount Weather," she confessed.

Octavia's eyes widened in complete shock.

"But you are…" she was about to say **_trikru_** when the memory of the day before came to the surface. **_"Okru,"_** she voiced and saw the soft smile on Costia's face as Costia nodded. "All **_kru_**?"

"Lexa's words, not mine," Costia shrugged. "My mom was from the mountain. She was immune to the radiation. She left me with my father when I was six. She was dying," Costia provided. "I never really belonged anywhere, not until Lexa and I became… Lexa and I," she concluded with a pained expression.

Octavia looked at her, understanding completely. After all, she never felt like she belonged anywhere, either, not until Lincoln.

"Costia," Indra re-entered the room hesitantly.

"Found paint so soon in the middle of the night, Indra?" Costia quirked an eyebrow.

"Not exactly. We were on our way but we found someone who wanted to see you," she explained and a moment later Dara stepped into the room cautiously.

Costia was on her feet instantly.

 ** _"Dara,"_** she chocked and she couldn't help the tears that stung her eyes.

Dara started shaking, she closed the gap between them quickly and put her hands on Costia's face.

 ** _"Are my eyes deceiving me?"_** She inquired as the tears started flowing.

She seemed smaller to Costia. The age and years of grief took their toll on the woman.

 ** _"Indra told me everything on the way here but I couldn't believe it,"_** she added.

 ** _"I'm so sorry I wasn't here,"_** Costia broke down and the older woman brought her in for a tight, loving embrace.

 ** _"Hush, my child, none of this is your fault. Praise the First Commander for sending you back to me, it's a miracle."_**

She held Costia tight and didn't let go, both were now crying freely, happy tears for their miraculous reunion, sad tears for all the people they loved and lost.

" ** _Wanheda_** , Octavia, let's go," Indra urged and the girls followed her out, giving the two women some privacy.

* * *

Octavia was lost in thought as she was walking next to Indra and Clarke. Costia was less a mystery now, in a way, but in another way, she was even more of a mystery. Octavia had so many questions, there was so much more she wanted to know. She thought Lincoln was the only one in the world who really understood her, even Bellamy couldn't always figure her out. How could he? He didn't have to go through the same kind of childhood she did. But maybe Costia was someone who could understand her, or at least be a connection to the man they both loved and lost.

She was so distracted she hardly heard it when Clarke started talking.

"Who was that woman, Dara?" she questioned curiously.

"That was Aden's mother," Indra replied sadly. Ton DC had three Nightbloods in the span of a short few years, and they were all lost. Or believed to be lost. Until Costia.

"How does Costia know her?" Clarke continued her inquiry. There was something very maternal in the way Dara clung to Costia. But before Indra even had the chance to reply, it clicked in Clarke's brain. Costia blaming Ontari for killing her brother. A moment later Indra confirmed her suspicion.

"Aden was Costia's half brother. Dara is like a second mother to her," Indra explained.

"What happened to her real mother?" Clarke wondered out loud.

Indra didn't reply. Neither did Octavia who just learned the answer to that question herself, but she didn't think it was her place to tell Clarke. Not when one of Clarke's many nicknames was "Mountain Slayer."

Clarke was shocked by all the revelations. Lexa never mentioned any of it. But Clarke understood it now, the special bond Lexa and Aden shared. The two weren't very verbal, it wasn't in the words they didn't say, but Lexa looked at him a certain way, not just proudly, lovingly, as if he was a last reminder of something beloved and long gone.

And in a way, to Lexa he was. It was the eyes, Clarke realized now that she'd seen Costia. Aden had her eyes.

At that moment she realized another thing - there was so much about Lexa's past that she never got to know.

* * *

Notes:

1\. As part of the ALIE aftermath, these people, even those who weren't in the City of Light, saw people all around them talking to a person who wasn't there. They may have not understood the technical aspect, but they realized there was some sort of brainwash involved, and imagining things. So the timing of Costia's return makes their instinct of making sure they're not imagining things kick in. This is a new post – ALIE world and people are afraid.

2\. **_"He always said the healers in Polis are shit."_** Volume 1, chapter 15.

3\. The conversation between Clarke, Octavia and Indra is very important. We saw the parallel scenes in canon of Lexa and Clarke talking about the 8th novitiate, of Titus and Clarke discussing that novitiate, too, which happened to be Luna, but in our story things went down differently and Clarke filled in the blanks of what happened when Lexa died and Clarke and Titus had that conversation about the 8th novitiate. I still needed Clarke to escape Polis and that's why they made the plan of her looking for someone to oppose Ontari and keeping the Flame out of Polis.

4\. Clarke was worried about the state of the Flame and rightfully so. What we saw in canon was basically a merge of the Flame with ALIE 1. The manifestation was the City of Light. But what was the meaning of it? Think about it. If ALIE 1 had access to her upgrade code because that information was in the code of the Flame, then the Flame had access to ALIE 1's code, too. ALIE managed to connect to "the real world," satellites, etc. Does that mean that when the Flame was merged with it that info became accessible to the Flame as well? All of that had an effect on the Flame, for sure, and we'll definitely touch upon it.

5\. Costia, very reasonably, wanted her Bo. Now, here's something that makes me happy -

Back in early July 2016, right as the public updates of this story were nearing the conclave in volume 1 (specifically the chapter before the conclave) and probably two months after I wrote this very chapter (I was always about 3 months ahead), I watched the scene of Lexa and Aden training together. A scene which I watched a million times before, a few of these times were for this specific story, and it was only on that early July day that I've noticed something I haven't before – Lexa was using a Bo in that scene. I don't know how my brain never registered it, but I thought I was going to explode, because, well, now after all of this and even though it was completely unintentional, I'd like to tell myself that it was Costia's Bo that Lexa used while training with Aden. That she always kept it close.

6\. Do you guys remember Thomas? He was mentioned in volume 1, chapter 32. He didn't do much, but it was nice for both Costia and myself to see a familiar face.

7\. The owner of the bread shop woke up especially for Costia because if you recall, she worked for him before she became a novitiate. Just a little sweet moment of imagining that man, at home, getting the news in the middle of the night and contributing in his own little way.

8\. Costia mentioned Lincoln to Costia and the events of volume 1, chapter 16 when she spoke to Lincoln about her feelings. She and Lexa were 12 at the time. I very much enjoyed exploring the dynamic between Costia and Octavia. I thought they had a lot in common.

9\. I liked that Clarke noticed Costia's eyes. Back in volume 1, chapter 10, soon after Aden was born, Lexa told Costia he had her eyes when she visited Ton DC and saw him for the first time. There's another mention of that similarity in volume 1, chapter 38, when Lexa came to Ton DC to deliver the news of Costia's death. She loved Aden but in a way his eyes and his presence were probably a constant reminder. Look at that sparring scene again. When he managed to outsmart her she looked at him in almost recognition. Like I mentioned many times, now that all of the above is my headcanon, I love this scene even more.

10\. Clarke's final realization in the chapter isn't an angry r=one, it's a sad one. Clarke was robbed of the opportunity of eventually hearing all about Aden, and Dara, and Costia, and Clarke ended up learning about all of those people who mattered to Lexa, not from Lexa.


	43. De Seken Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

Dara left when the sun came up. She had to get her own room and freshen up. Being that she got to Polis in the middle of the night and went straight to see her daughter, she never got the chance to rest or shower.

Costia was grateful for the quiet.

She may have slept for most of the day, but being mostly secluded for years and then suddenly all at once being surrounded by all these people, and emotions and reunions, was draining. She got so used to being alone, to only hearing the voices of the guards in **_Azgeda_** , that the last day was all too surreal. But she knew she'll have to get re-adjusted to it, and quickly. She wasn't just a prisoner who came back to her loved ones, she came back to lead. She knew after today she might never have another quiet moment again.

It made her get a deeper understanding of what Lexa meant all those times when she told Costia how much she cherished their time together. **Costia** was her quiet moment.

Costia sighed as she started to meticulously put the war paint around her eyes. She hadn't done that since her first conclave. She never liked the tradition and Lexa let her get away with it even though Costia was first and foremost a warrior, **Lexa's** warrior, to be exact. But Costia wanted to do today right, abide to all the traditions, give no one any reason for doubt. She needed everything about her ascension to be completely legitimate.

Costia scanned her work in the mirror. She was trying to apply it the same way Lexa always did. It looked good enough.

 _I'm not much of an artist but I think this looks decent._ A long forgotten memory sneaked uninvited into her mind.

 _Now let me do yours,_ said the girl in the memory, the girl that Costia loved then and loved still.

 _I actually wasn't planning on wearing it._

 _Costia, you have to!_

Then Lexa made her take a sword instead of her Bo, just like she was forced to do now.

And then they said goodbye, thinking it's the last time and that one of them, at least, was going to die.

But instead they both lived. Lived, and loved, and kissed, and laughed, and everything just started.

Now she was at the point after everything ended. Could she really change things? Could she turn back time?

She banged her left fist on the top of the dresser the mirror was standing on. She felt the pain shoot all the way up to her shoulder and hissed. She looked back into the mirror and saw that a single tear managed to sneak its way down her cheek, ruining her work.

 _Great, I have to re-apply it._

She licked her lips, closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to push down the memories.

 _How did I get here?_

When she was growing up she carried the burden of a huge secret just to make sure she never had to take part in a conclave, yet here she was, years later, about to take part in a conclave for the second time.

She never wanted to be the Commander, yet she was about to become one.

She wanted Lexa, she wanted to go back, to before she lost three years of her life, to before the love of her life fell in love with someone else. She wanted to go back to the night after her first conclave, when she came to Lexa's room, **their** room, for the first time, when they realized they were both still alive, and they could finally love each other, and they did, for most of the night, until Lexa had to cleanse and it was Costia who washed her body, and Lexa told her that she loved her, and Costia told her that she loved her as well. She loved her almost her entire life.

Costia wanted to go back so badly.

But there was no going back.

There was only moving forward.

* * *

Nyko was applying a layer of lotion to her shoulder. It was meant to numb the pain for the battle, but that was just treating the symptom, and temporarily. She knew that once today was done and dealt with, she'd have to give her shoulder a few days to properly heal.

 _It's okay_ , _you're about to become a politician, and a new one at that. Less fighting in your immediate future, more talking._

Nyko handed her her shirt, gave her an encouraging smile, and left her alone with Dara.

 ** _"Kostia, please don't do this,"_** Dara tried again. She did so since she got in during the night. Trying to sway Costia's opinion, to convince her to let Titus pursue the vote of no confidence route, but Costia knew she had to do this.

She realized where Dara was coming from. Her step-mother was afraid of losing her again. Dara couldn't take another loss, but Costia had no intention of losing.

She turned around, taking the older woman's hands in hers.

 ** _"When I'm done, we're going to sit down and have dinner like a family, and you're going to make me some fresh bread,"_** she kissed Dara on the forehead reassuringly. **_"It's time."_**

Dara nodded in surrender and they stepped out of the room side by side. Downstairs they found Indra, Titus, Nyko, Clarke and Octavia. There were a few more guards and a few other faces Costia was yet to recognize, but based on rumors she could assume whom some of them were. She found herself looking for Anya and Lincoln before reality caught up with her. Just another thought to push back down, to not deal with at the moment.

No one said anything as they all started walking as a group, led by Costia, toward the arena.

* * *

Clarke took her place between Octavia and Indra. Titus was on Indra's other side. She spotted her mother next to Nyko at the entrance to the arena, ready, just in case. Kane and Bellamy were with them. Clarke was grateful to not be around everyone. This day meant high stakes for her, too. Whomever won got to have the Flame, got to have Lexa. At least, if she had to go through a day like today, she was surrounded by people who cared for Lexa, and Octavia, who knew all too well what it was like to lose the person you loved.

Ontari was already on the grounds, talking angrily with Roan.

Costia was on the other side, talking with some of the members of the Commander's guard. She was wearing the clothes she came into Polis with, but the cloak was gone, and she cut off the sleeves. Her tattoo was visible. She wanted to remind the audience what she was to their last rightful Commander, she also hated fighting in long sleeves. Since she knew she was already caught in her underclothes the day before, there was no point in trying to hide it anymore.

"Indra, can I ask you something?" Clarke turned to the warrior next to her.

"What is it?" Indra replied curtly. No matter how sure of Costia's abilities she was, Ontari was a manipulative cheat, and Costia has been out of the game for a while. Indra couldn't not worry about Costia after everything they've all been through.

 _If something happens to her today Lexa would never forgive me,_ Indra thought. Her **_Heda_** may have been dead, but she wasn't gone. Never gone.

Clarke hesitated, but eventually her curiosity won.

"Costia's tattoo," she started, "on her arm?" Indra finally looked up at Clarke and her features softened. Indra knew what the young woman must have been concluding. "The one that matches Lexa's?" Clarke added insecurely, confirming Indra's suspicion.

"A promising tattoo," Indra provided sadly.

Clarke swallowed hard. She almost didn't want to ask the following question, but she did.

"What does that mean?"

"Two matching tattoos on opposite arms, creating one unique creation," Indra explained. She didn't want to hurt Clarke, but she didn't want to lie, either. Costia had to live with the knowledge that the woman she loved more than anything fell in love with someone else. Clarke had to live with the knowledge that the woman she loved promised her life to someone else before she met Clarke. Indra continued her explanation. "Two halves, beautiful on their own, but creating something bigger, something whole when they're side by side. Two hearts, beating as one, two pieces coming together. And so, she was always her right hand woman, was supposed to be for life, literally to her right."

Clarke nodded in sad understanding. Lexa did say that she lost someone who was special to her, someone who was **hers** , but Clarke never really understood just how much her dead lover lost when she lost Costia.

Clarke's heart broke for Lexa. To her surprise, it broke for Costia, too.

 _Lexa died without ever learning that Costia was alive,_ Clarke thought, _and Costia never got to say goodbye._

Just as the miserable thought hit her, Costia came toward them. Titus had her sword.

 ** _"You need to win this,"_** he warned her, **_"even you are better than her,"_** he gestured at Ontari. He didn't know how they got here, to the point where his most average novitiate, a mountain girl, was their last hope, but he was praying that some of Lexa rubbed on her over the years.

"I think that's the nicest thing you ever said to me, Titus," she replied in English, not even a little bit fazed. "We'll have to work on that when I'm **_Heda_**."

" **If** you are **_Heda_** ," he reminded in genuine concern to her well being. "I've seen you fight." That made Clarke and Octavia turn and look at him.

 _Should we be worried?_ Clarke was wondering in growing panic.

Costia could feel Clarke's eyes on her so she turned to give Clarke a reassuring smile before looking back at the clueless man in front of her.

"Oh, Titus, you've **never** seen me fight," she smiled cheekily and he looked at her perplexed. "Something you should know, **_Fleimkepa_** ," she pulled the sword out of the sheath he was holding and span it in her hand skillfully and smoothly, "I was always a better warrior than Lexa was," she stated with a smirk and he looked at her in utter shock. "But she was always very cute about it." She gave him a final glare and went on the field.

They watched her getting closer and closer to Ontari who was now on her own in the center of the arena, a smug smile on her face.

"Now this sorry excuse for a **_Natblida_** will eat some dirt," Indra uttered between gritted teeth.

Clarke and Octavia looked at her in surprise. They've seen her speak boldly before, but never with so much passion.

"And then what?" Titus questioned making Indra scoff. "Assuming the desperation of years in **_Azgeda_** made her so hateful she'll actually win today, that's not enough, not in order to lead!" he pointed out in frustration.

"You think the Ice Nation caught some naïve girl and turned her into a monster?" Indra shook her head in pity. "No. Costia was always brilliant. She just chose not to show you. But I think she's ready to."

Costia on her part finally reached the middle of the arena. She was standing with her back to Ontari. She didn't like seeing Ontari standing there with a sword. That image alone was enough to make cold sweat run down her spine. Every time she saw Ontari like this in the past it ended with her suffering excruciating pain, being completely unable to defend herself. Her brain linked the image of Ontari and a sharp weapon with pain.

 _That's not what's happening right now,_ Costia tried to push the image away, _you are not in **Azgeda.** You are stronger than her. She can't hurt you anymore._

She took a deep breath and tried to collect her thoughts. Looking up at the skies, she was waiting. She wasn't sure what for, maybe for a sign, maybe for Lexa.

Then she heard the footsteps from behind her.

 ** _"It's funny, don't you agree?_** " the smug voice tried to taunt her. **_"I did to your brother what Leksa always believed we did to you."_**

 ** _"Only a coward could've beaten my father's son that way,"_** Costia replied, her voice calm, even though inside the fire started to burn. **_"A coward with no honor."_ ** She knew what Ontari was trying to do, and she wasn't going to play along.

She closed her eyes and let Ontari keep talking. The woman was like static noise, Costia hardly heard her anymore. Instead, she saw Aden's face in her head.

 ** _"I really was about to send you his head as a souvenir, but it was gone when I came back to the throne room,"_** Ontari shrugged.

That was the part Costia heard, and that was the part that finally took her to her dark place. The place that Lexa always told her to embrace, that is was fine and it was a part of who she was. The place in her head where she saw herself turn around, take Ontari's eyes out, cut her to pieces but leaving her conscious long enough to make sure she realized what was happening, long enough for her to realize that she was dying.

This was the woman who tortured Costia for years, the woman who basically skipped into the dungeon to let Costia know her soul mate was dead and in the same breath announced that she's leaving to Polis to make sure Costia's brother found the same fate.

Oh, how dark that place in Costia's head was.

Costia used to avoid it, run away from it, be scared of it. Now she bathed in it, just a little bit. She opened her eyes and turned around so quickly that her opponent was still talking by the time Costia punched her so hard, right in the face. Ontari was airborne in seconds dropping her sword as she went.

Costia threw her own sword to the side and jumped on Ontari, straddling the surprised warrior and punching her left and right.

Costia knew it was bad for her shoulder, but she didn't care.

"That's, hmmm… an interesting fighting technique," Octavia observed from afar.

"This isn't fighting yet," Indra knew, "this is payback."

Costia was so focused on smashing Ontari's face, she missed the moment Ontari used all of her strength to bring her hips up, making Costia fall from on top of her. Ontari used that momentum for her own punch, straight under Costia's jaw.

Costia was on her feet in seconds, walking calmly, mouth bleeding, toward her abandoned sword. She picked it up as if she had not a single worry in the world, and when she turned around she saw Ontari just picked up hers as well.

 _She can't hurt you,_ Costia kept reminding herself. _That sword is nothing. You've done this all your life._

Now she wasn't hesitating anymore. She couldn't even see what Ontari was holding. Her sole focus was on Ontari's face, like tunnel vision. She was angry. She was ready.

Costia took a breath and launched at Ontari like the tornado that she was. Spinning, hitting upper body, hitting lower body, giving Ontari shallow wounds but letting her know who had the advantage. She could've ended it in seconds but she wanted, needed for it to last a while. She needed to give her ambassadors a show. She was relentless, and she got every hit and at the same time blocked every one of Ontari's attempts.

Titus, Clarke an Octavia stared at her with mouths agape. Indra crossed her arms and leaned back, a self satisfied smile on her face.

"She's back," Indra declared, not missing a beat of what the girl whom she used to mentor, but who surpassed her at a rather young age, was now doing in the arena.

The audience was on their feet.

"I've never seen anyone fight like this before," Clarke admitted in awe.

"What is she?" Octavia wondered out loud.

"Her father's daughter," Indra smirked. "You see, **_Fleimkepa_** ," she turned to Titus, "you never really knew who she was."

"Did she…?" he started in disbelief.

"Lose the conclave on purpose? Yes," Indra provided flatly. She and Costia never discussed this, but they didn't have to. Indra knew what Costia and Lexa managed to achieve that day, and the outcome was what it was meant to be. Lexa was always meant to lead.

"Why would she do that?" Titus glared.

"Love," Clarke understood right away. "She was willing to die so Lexa could live," she added, staring at Costia, thinking that maybe she was starting to understand what the fighting woman was about.

"That, and also she knew Lexa was the leader we needed. They both realized that. Costia never wanted this job, but now she does, and she's going to get it."

Just as Indra was done saying the words, Costia kicked Ontari right in the middle of her stomach. Ontari flew again, dropping her sword once more, but this time Costia picked it up, walking toward her pray, spinning both swords in her hands.

She got to Ontari and stood above her. Ontari tried to get up, but she was too beat up.

Costia wanted to be merciful, but the woman lying on the ground played a part in the events that lead to the death of the two people Costia loved more than anything. She also tortured Costia for years.

Costia was wondering if she had enough Costia left in her to not just let go and end Ontari.

Suddenly, while looking straight into Ontari's eyes, all the memories, all the emotions she was trying to push down so she could get through the conclave came rushing back. She felt like she was about to break down in tears which was the last thing she could afford to do.

She screamed like an animal, letting all her anger come out as she raised both hands with both swords in the air, ready for a final blow. She saw the terrified look on Ontari's face as she brought both swords down, piercing both of Ontari's shoulders, pining her to the ground.

Ontrai was screaming in excruciating pain while Costia was breathing heavily, trying to calm herself down before she'd do something she'd regret. She had killed over the years, her first conclave being the first time she had to, but she always did so out of necessity. Killing Ontari wasn't necessary. The woman was lying helpless on the ground.

Costia turned to the audience before she'd regret **not** killing Ontari, and addressed everyone, but mostly the ambassadors.

Indra made sure to translate for Clarke, though if Clark was being honest with herself, ever since the Flame and the City of Light, she seemed to understand most of the **_Trigedasleng_** she heard.

 ** _"This is a false commander_** ," Costia pointed at the woman squirming on the ground. **_"She got here by being dishonorable. This is not what the spirit of the Commander would've wanted._** **_I was spared at my own conclave by the Commander's grace, and today I extend that same courtesy to Ontari kom Azgeda. That's what Leksa, the last legitimate Commander of the thirteen clans would have wanted. That's what she started. Jus no drein jus daun,"_** she concluded.

"Oh no, not again," Titus groaned in his seat. For a change, Indra agreed with him, based on the expression Clarke saw on her face.

Costia felt like her knees were about to give. She couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. She was trying to make peace with her decision. It was the hardest thing she ever had to say, knowing that she was passing the opportunity of taking revenge on the person who was behind so many of her sorrows.

This was always Costia's way, but Clarke was completely amazed to hear the familiar words she spoke to Lexa being said back to her from the arena. It made her hopeful. She hardly knew Costia, but she was starting to understand why the young woman was so special to Lexa.

Costia looked down at Ontari whose cries of pain turned into more of whimpers now.

 ** _"Maybe blood must have some blood,"_** she offered coldly and twisted the swords in Ontari's shoulders.

Ontari whaled as a new wave of unbearable pain washed over her. Costia's hands were still on the swords, she was shaking. She could feel her dark place finally washing away. She knew she just got a whole new set of responsibilities, but somehow, she felt lighter.

She turned back towards the ambassadors.

 ** _"Commander no more!"_** she called loudly and the crowds was cheering her loudly. It was more than them getting good entertainment. For weeks now Polis has been existing under a rain cloud. Now the sun was finally coming out.

Titus stood up, still not believing what he had just witnessed. The audience noticed him and slowly but surely the noise died down. **_"The spirit of the Commander has spoken!"_** he called **_"She has chosen Kostia kom okru to ascend and lead us all. This conclave is over!"_** he announced and the audience erupted in cheers again as the victory horn sounded.

Costia looked down at Ontari who was still squirming in pain. Their eyes locked, and Costia didn't feel even remotely guilty when she finally spoke.

 ** _"I always wanted a pet."_**

* * *

1\. Of course doing something like putting war paint on for a conclave will throw Costia back to the past and to Lexa. Costia came back to a place that carried all these memories and metaphorical ghosts. I didn't want her to just go about as if nothing happened. In real life when we do something that we have already done before, doing it again reminds us of the previous times we've done it. Costia will experience more moments like this one.

2\. Just like Raven who woke up from the City of Light understanding Latin, Clarke woke up after carrying the Flame understanding **_Trigedasleng_**. Most of the inhabitants of the Flame spoke that language, by the logic of what happened with Raven (and so probably with everyone who was in the City of Light,) something probably remained in Clarke's brain. Some new information that wasn't there before.

3\. "Oh no, not again." Poor grumpy Titus just wanted the conclave to go according to tradition but instead he kept having all these women who kept refusing to kill their conclave opponents. How inconvenient. Needless to say this wasn't about blood thirst, he just didn't agree that this was strategically smart, but he's not the one calling the shots.

4\. The last sentence - this is the exact sentence Ontari said to Costia three years prior (volume 1, chapter 38) when Costia was abducted. That said, rest assured Costia will have neither the time nor the will to play with Ontari.


	44. De Seken Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

Clarke was on her feet the moment the victory horn sounded. She followed the new Commander with her eyes, seeing that Costia was walking toward the entrance of the arena.

Clarke wanted to make sure Costia was okay, emotionally. It was very clear that physically she was fine, but Clarke couldn't even imagine what was going on through Costia's head. But all of a sudden she cared, she cared a lot. She had no doubt that this girl was the ally she needed if they had any chance in preventing the upcoming doom.

As Clarke reached her, she saw Costia was talking to one of her guards.

 ** _"Dungeon,"_** she ordered, **_"and make sure she's cleaned and fed. This is not Azgeda."_**

 ** _"Yes, Heda,"_** the guard replied and Clarke noticed Costia's body froze for just a second. As if she was subconsciously rejecting her new title.

Costia turned to look at Nyko who realized immediately what she wanted.

"I'd rather make sure that **you** are fine," he responded to her non-verbal request.

"You can check me later," she countered.

"Alright," he agreed with a sigh, knowing that it was a lost cause. He handed her a small bag. "For when you cleanse," he clarified knowingly and she gave him a wide, genuine smile. She knew what glorious, precious, lavender scented powder was in that bag.

"Come on," Nyko said to Abby who stood next to him, and started walking.

"Where are we going?" Abby asked in confusion.

 _To treat Ontari,_ Clarke realized.

Kane and Bellamy followed them, realizing that this was probably not the moment for small talk with the new leader of the clans.

Clarke turned to Costia and scanned her face. The new Commander was busy rubbing her cheeks.

"Costia…" she started, " ** _Heda_** ," she corrected herself, thinking that this was going to take some getting used to, but at least it wasn't as painful as seeing Ontari sitting on Lexa's throne. Clarke was about to congratulate Costia, to tell her that she was amazing, but Costia had other plans.

She spat a tooth into her palm.

"I can't believe I let her get a punch in," Costia whined, wiping some blood off her lips. It may have only been one punch, but it was an effective one.

Costia turned to look at Clarke. "Can your mom do anything about this?" she inquired, almost pouted as she presented the tooth.

Clarke nearly snorted. This was **not** what she had expected from the warrior she just saw in action.

"She's a general surgeon, not a dentist," Clarke replied, the chuckle on the edge of her lips, but she kept it in. She was wondering if Costia would know what she meant by that. Based on Costia's expression, she did.

"Shame," Costia huffed, throwing the tooth over her shoulder.

"Can we talk?" Clarke started. She had so many questions, she had so many worries, she needed to tell Costia so many things. For starters, she wanted to know how come Costia knew what a dentist even was.

"We will. I promise," Costia responded candidly, "but first, I'm going to get my things, and change clothes, and make sure every corner of this tower is Ontari-free."

She squeezed Clarke's arm to let her know that they **will** have their talk, but that she just needed a little time to get her mind in the game. A pre-occupied Commander was of no use to anybody.

She turned around and walked down the street, casually and alone, as if she hadn't just become the new ruler of the thirteen clans, as if she wasn't surrounded by hundreds of people, bowing, cheering, calling her name.

* * *

She walked into the temple and waited. She knew he would show up. She paced around, examining the room now that she wasn't busy being the patient. She's been there before, she shouldn't have, but she was curious. She used to climb into Lexa's room. Sneaking into the temple was nothing compared to that.

She was waiting for Titus to come in, but he was already in, which she learned the moment he stepped behind her and started speaking.

 ** _"I never understood what Leksa saw in you"_** he finally confessed to what everyone always known about him, **_"but you are much stronger than I realized."_**

 ** _"Much smarter, too,"_** she added without missing a beat, and without turning around to look at him.

 ** _"And how exactly are you planning to lead?"_** he demanded. He wasn't really angry, but he was so worried about everything and this was his way of expressing it. He was mad at himself because he knew he could do better than being so petty.

 ** _"I'm not going to hide who I am anymore. That's how,"_** she provided coldly and turned around. Not her abilities, not her opinions. She always had Lexa's ear, so her thoughts always had impact because the Commander knew of them. She didn't **need** anyone else to see. But now she was the Commander, and she was ready for the task.

 ** _"Kostia kom okru,"_** he sneered at the nickname. **_"Always think you are above it all, always think you know everything."_** He used to read her lack of concern about her mediocrity as complacency, but now he thought that maybe she always just disregarded everything because she simply didn't care.

Her eyes were shooting daggers at him. _She's changed_ , he realized. _She has anger, she always did, but she spoke the truth, she's not hiding it anymore._

 ** _"This is the name she gave me,"_** Costia started, her voice icy and flat. **_"That's what she believed and it took her years to make me believe it, too. Don't you dare cheapen it! Do you understand me?"_** she spat.

 ** _"Yes,"_** he lowered his head in shame. He knew he had gone too far. An occurrence that happened too often as of late and led to many disastrous outcomes, the demise of his most beloved Commander being one of them.

 ** _"Yes what?"_** Costia demanded harshly.

 ** _"Yes, Heda,"_** he looked back up at her, hoping that she could see some humility in his eyes.

 ** _"I never thought I knew everything. I just never thought you knew everything, either, teacher,"_** she sneered the nickname right back. **_"There was only one person in this world who believed I was perfect the way I was and you killed her,"_** she reminded with gritted teeth and he was washed by the grief of his actions, and even more shame, shame that he'd never be able to outrun.

 ** _"You never wanted this title,"_** he pointed out brokenly, connecting all the dots at last.

 ** _"No, you are right, I didn't,"_** she confirmed softly. She, unlike him, wasn't ashamed, not of that anyway.

 ** _"So why do you want it now?"_**

 ** _"Because she'd want me to take it,"_** Costia replied without hesitation. She didn't owe him any explanations, but she knew this conversation between them was long overdue.

 ** _"And that's enough of a reason to commit your life to something you don't want?"_** he inquired in concern, knowing how much was at stake. This wasn't a game. He was wondering if it was better to have no Commander at all than to have someone who didn't want the job. As he was thinking just that he realized that he had a newfound appreciation for what Costia was willing to sacrifice on her first conclave.

 ** _"Oh, Titus, always with your "love is weakness,""_** she looked at him in pity. **_"You have no idea, do you?"_**

He swallowed hard. She was asking him to re-consider everything he ever believed in. Between this talk about love, and the origins of the Flame, with everything that people were saying about the City of Light, it was all too much, all too fast.

 ** _"You should've killed her,"_** he finally spoke and Costia knew he was referring to Ontari.

 ** _"No, I shouldn't have,"_** she denied with certainty. **_"If Aleks hadn't spared me in our conclave you wouldn't have me here today, and you know you want me here today. We never know when we might be repaid for our actions in the future,"_** she pointed out. **_"I'm just relieved she never ascended. If she died after an ascension, I'd have to spend my life with her in my head,"_** she shook her head as if the thought alone was insanely depressing.

She didn't quite realize what the Flame was yet, she never saw it and she didn't trust in things she didn't see. But she did trust Lexa. And if her lover said the previous Commanders were somehow in the Flame, Costia accepted it even though it went against her instinct. She wasn't a spiritual person so believing in the spirit of the Commander felt foreign. Maybe she just wanted to accept it because the alternative was much worse.

Titus had nothing to say. He understood, or at least he was starting to understand why Costia handled things the way she did. He knew that even if he didn't understand, he would have to start follow Costia's lead from now on, anyway.

 ** _"_** ** _Now, my things. And Leksa's things, that are mine by right,"_** this was the reason she even came into the temple to begin with.

 ** _"I had it all delivered to the Commander's quarters. It's already waiting for you there,"_** he provided guiltily. She nodded and was about to leave. She didn't see a point in pestering the old man further. She understood his attachment to the items. It was a connection to Lexa. Except she deserved that connection so much more.

 ** _"Heda,"_** he started hesitantly, stopping her from leaving, hoping to voice his wish. A wish that he didn't think she'd have a reason to deny. ** _"Once you have ascended, I'd like to be punished for my crimes. You'll have Klarke, you don't need another Fleimkepa,"_** he reasoned. The young sky girl proved that protecting the Flame was something she was willing to die for. He, too, was willing to die for what he'd done. He **wanted** to die for it.

 ** _"No,"_** Costia denied him. She knew it was coming. She knew the death of her loved one haunted him, even **if** he was the one responsible for it.

 ** _"No?"_** he asked in puzzlement. With their history, with what he'd done to Lexa, he thought this would be the easiest decision the new Commander would ever have to make. He thought she'd be relieved at the opportunity to dismiss Lexa's right hand man at his own suggestion, without needing to feel guilty over it.

 _Except Lexa didn't have a right hand man, she had a right hand woman,_ he knew right away.

 ** _"No, Titus,"_** she stated with finality. **_"You do not get the easy way out."_**

 ** _"What, then?"_** Years of being underwhelmed by Costia, and now within the span of a few days the young woman didn't stop surprising him, catching him unprepared.

 ** _"You will live, and carry with you what you've done for the rest of your days,"_** she started walking toward him. **_"And know that the god you dedicated your entire life to serving was in truth… skaikru_**." She may have been short, she may have not been able to tower him, but the affect of her words was terrifying. She was saying the things he was trying very hard not to think about. But it was **that** ignorance on his behalf, his blind faith, that led to the heartbreaking disastrous outcome. **_"And you'll serve me as wisely and loyally as you served Leksa. You don't get an out,"_** she ordered without a shadow of guilt, **_"you will be forced to fulfill your duty just like the rest of us. And it will hurt,"_** she concluded and started walking toward the exit again.

He followed her figure, dumbfounded by the burning fire he saw in her eyes when she spoke, the conviction.

 _Where was this person all these years?_ He wondered in awe.

She stopped right by the exit and turned to him once more. **_"And that's how I'll lead,"_** she finished with a glare and left him standing alone in the center of the room.

* * *

She walked toward the Commander's quarters. Two guards were stationed by the entrance.

 ** _"Heda,"_** they bowed their heads, she nodded at them and walked in, closing the door behind her. She stared at the floor, not daring to look up.

She knew the drill, she had to cleanse, and get a good night sleep before her ascension the following day. Even without looking up she was willing to bet a bath was waiting for her in the center of the room.

She couldn't believe she was here. The last time she was in this room she said goodbye to her second half. The last words she ever said to Lexa were "I'll see you soon." Costia's heart ached at the thought that it ended up being a lie. The last thing she ever said to the woman she loved more than anything was a lie.

She sighed heavily and finally looked up. Trying to re-familiarize herself with the place where Lexa and her shared their lives. From the first time they ever made love, that night after their conclave, to Lexa comforting her when her father died, to when Lexa asked her to get the promising tattoos. This room held all the good memories that now haunted her like ghosts.

There was a soft knock and Costia had to move because she was leaning on the door. Rather than order the visitor in, she opened the door herself, surprising the handmaiden on the other side of it.

 ** _"Heda,"_** the young girl bowed in respect, **_"I was sent by the Fleimkepa to see if there was anything you needed."_**

Costia chanced a look at the bed and saw that it was unmade.

 ** _"Everything in this room must be cleaned,"_** Costia ordered, softly, not harshly. **_"If it's replaceable, replace it. It reeks of Ontari in here. But I'll need a couple of hours. Would you mind coming back later?"_**

 ** _"Of course not, Heda. Whatever pleases you,"_** the handmaiden was quick to say.

Nothing about this situation was pleasing to her at all.

 ** _"Thank you,"_** she offered kindly and the girl knew that she was being dismissed.

Costia shut the door behind her once more and finally dared to step deeper into the room.

 _Finally alone again,_ she thought. And she very much needed to be alone for what was coming.

First she reached the closet. It was the nearest piece of furniture. She put her hand on it, finding with her thumb an old dent.

 _"So, you're in this sort of a mood, then, Commander?"_ She shuddered at the memory of how that dent was created, the pain that was involved with it. Sweet, sweet pain that left a scar on her shoulder blade.

 _"Why does it make me lose my mind when you call me that?"_

Costia bit her lip hard, trying to stop the tears.

She looked around, seeing a huge trunk by the end of the bed. She wasn't sure she was ready to deal with what was inside of it. But when she looked toward the window, the exit to their balcony, her heart skipped a beat. Her Bo was leaning on the wall. In a few quick steps she closed the distance and picked it up.

The familiar weight in her hand, the sword marks on it from years of combat, were somehow comforting. Most of those marks were from Lexa's sword. But all the marks in the world couldn't ruin the beautiful art her father carved onto the Bo, the shape of Mount Weather. The weapon was old, but it was **her** weapon. It was telling a story. Her father was gone, Aden was gone, the mountain was gone and Lexa was gone, yet here was something, a remaining of whom she used to be, of what she used to have. Holding it in her hands after such a long separation felt empowering. They may have all been gone, but she was not, and she planned on making a difference.

 _And if it's up to me I'll never hold a different weapon ever again._

She allowed herself a little, genuine smile, and span the Bo in her hands, basking in how natural it felt, feeling like she was just re-united with an old friend.

But her momentary happiness was short lived as she span around with the Bo in her hand and her eyes landed on the trunk again. She swallowed hard and leaned the Bo back on the wall, walking cautiously toward the offending item. The conclave wasn't the real struggle that awaited her when she escaped **_Azgeda_** , she knew. **This** moment was. She took a deep breath and opened the trunk.

The first thing on top was Lexa's armor. All of it, including the shoulder cape, and it was on the cape that Costia noticed a little box made of glass. Inside of it was Lexa's forehead piece, the one Nardo made for her.

Costia was washed by waves and waves of heart wrenching anguish. She pushed the feeling down, she knew she had to go through with this. She put Lexa's armor out. She wasn't going to use it, even **if** it fit her. She couldn't. She knew she would hang it in the closet next to her own clothes once she got them. The cape, though, she intended to wear. She could've easily gotten one made, she was certain they were making one for her at that very moment, but she wanted to carry something of Lexa's on her at all times. She needed that connection. She also needed to ask someone to shorten the cape.

She kept digging through Lexa's things, some she didn't recognize and it hurt knowing that Lexa had three whole years that Costia wasn't a part of. Lexa had a whole life after she thought Costia died. This was just another thought for Costia to push down. She was wondering just how much pain Lexa had to push down just so she could go on after Costia's presumed death.

She picked up one of Lexa's shirts, one that she knew and loved, daring to smell it. It still smelled like Lexa, a scent Costia had almost forgotten. Lexa must've worn it relatively recently. Costia felt like someone physically punctured a hole in her midsection and split her in two. She was shivering. That little piece of fabric she was holding had so much power over her. She assumed it couldn't get much worse than that, but she was wrong. Because when she looked down into the trunk, she realized what the shirt she was holding was covering.

A boomerang and binoculars, placed on top of an atlas. That almost did it. She started hyperventilating. She knew she had to find something to keep herself grounded. Luckily, she realized the items that almost sent her to oblivion were where Lexa's things ended and hers started. Seeing her things mixed with Lexa's like that helped her to stabilize her breath. There was something reaffirming about the visual. She **knew** Lexa would never throw her things away, but it was still a relief to see the proof right there in front of her eyes.

Costia didn't do much growing since she was kidnapped at seventeen. If anything, she was thinner now. She knew her clothes would still fit, she knew that she earned a little moment of peace, that in the midst of it all, she had something familiar, something that was hers. She didn't have something that was hers in so long, yet Lexa kept it for her. Lexa gave it to her even after Lexa's death. She still took care of Costia.

Costia finally picked something to wear. Between her Bo and her clothes, she knew she'd feel more like herself than she felt in a very long time. She got up. She had the rest of her life to go through that trunk, to get reacquainted with the items she knew, to memorize those she didn't. She didn't need to do it all at once. She couldn't.

She stepped toward the bath, letting her clothes fall. It wasn't the clothes she spent most of her captivity in, but she still felt like she was being released from some invisible shackles. Cleansing couldn't have been more appropriate. And as she let herself sink into the bath, letting water touch her entire body for the first time in three years, she finally broke down.

She was alone, she was keeping a brave face for a couple of days in a row, she fought her way out of three years of imprisonment. She bruised her shoulder blade and earned the Commandership. Her brother was dead, her best friend was dead, her lover was dead. And now she was seated in a bath in the middle of the room they used to share their lives in.

It all caught up with her as her body shook uncontrollably and she cried.

She cried alone and she cried a lot, letting water meet water.

* * *

Clarke was pacing anxiously in the temple. It was the following morning and she was ready to get the ascension underway. They had so much to discuss. They needed to start working on a solution to their upcoming apocalypse and they lost days already, courtesy of Ontari.

 _One thing at a time,_ she thought. _You have ideas, you need to discuss them with the person in charge. Now at least there is someone in charge and that person is someone who cares._

She was considering how exactly to break the news to Costia. The girl was back from the dead, she was clearly grieving the actual dead, she just fought in the arena even though her shoulder was injured, and now, a moment after she'd officially become the new Commander, Clarke was going to drop a bomb on her.

Clarke laughed bitterly at her own mind's choice of words.

She was hoping beyond hope that once Costia ascended, she'd somehow just… know what was happening. Clarke knew she was missing something, a puzzle piece that would explain how come Costia seemed to just know things, realize concepts that a Grounder wouldn't normally. But Clarke wasn't sure even that missing piece would be enough in order for Costia to understand what the Flame was, what was coming.

" ** _Wanheda_** ," a soft voice greeted behind her, bringing her back to the present.

"I hate that name," Clarke admitted sadly, for the first time ever. She scanned Costia's face, now clean of war paint remains. Costia seemed rested, and showered, and calm. She was clearly wearing her own clothes that fit her much better than what she was wearing when she arrived in Polis and fought in the conclave. It was even complementing to her figure. She was dressed like a warrior, and Clarke assumed, following all the talk of the last couple of days, that that's what Costia was. Costia was the Gustus before Gustus, Clarke realized.

"Clarke, then," Costia offered her a sweet smile. She looked around and when she realized Titus wasn't there yet, she kept talking. "I've been meaning to ask you, where is the City of Light? Why did you have to use the Flame to get there? To ruin it?"

After her cleanse the previous afternoon, Costia had a lot of time to think. Her room was going through its own cleanse, of Ontari, her cape or really Lexa's cape was being fitted. Costia put on a cloak and went for a long walk in the city, then outside the walls. She liked the thought of just disappearing. Until it was time for dinner and she went to find Dara just like she promised she would. But on her walk she could finally allow herself to think about what was to come. The first task on her list was to escape **_Azgeda,_** the second was to become **_Heda._** The third, well, the third was going to take time and effort but she knew it wasn't the time to think about it just yet, there were some other things that were clearly on her young **_Fleimkepa_** 's mind. And there were things Costia didn't understand yet. She wanted to go into the reading of the names, her first encounter with the ambassadors after her ascension, as informed as possible.

"It's not a where. It's a what," Clarke sighed and braced herself, wondering how to even begin explaining something like that. "The City of Light was created by ALIE who was an AI, which is…"

"An artificial intelligence?" Costia wasn't questioning whether her guess was right or not, she was just surprised. An artificial intelligence seemed very misplaced among the clans.

"You know what that is?" Clarke stared at her in utter shock.

"I read about it in one of my mother's books," Costia scratched the back of her neck, trying to recall as many details as she could. "Never in depth I just… wait, so the Flame…?"

"Also an AI. Made by the same person."

Now it was Costia's turn to stare at Clarke in shock. It was a shocked faces match. Except that now Clarke was wondering who the hell Costia's mother was and what kind of a Grounder mother would be in the possession of books that discussed AIs. "ALIE was the AI that led to the world's destruction," she explained, searching Costia's face in slight suspicion.

"But…" Costia backtracked to the first part of Clarke's revelation. "Lexa was always just Lexa," she noted in confusion. In truth, her dead lover was anything but "just." Costia used to be terrified that the Flame would change Lexa, but it never did. The girl who woke up on her ascension day in Costia's arms was the same girl who went to sleep in her arms later that night.

"Yes, because unlike ALIE, who controls minds, when it comes to the Flame **you** are the one in control," Clarke explained. She was getting more and more relived by the second. Costia was making this much easier than anticipated, but something about the whole exchange was still surreal.

 _I don't understand, she's a Grounder,_ Clarke thought in awe, and for the first time noticed the weapon in Costia's hand, and specifically, the carved art on it.

"Is that…" she swallowed hard, "is that Mount Weather? On your weapon?"

"Yes," Costia verified. "My birthplace," she added calmly.

"You…" Clarke shook her head trying to let the information sink in. " ** _Okru_** ," she finally realized like Octavia before her, searching Costia's eyes. "All **_kru_**?"

Costia smiled at her softly, in confirmation.

There was so much on Clarke's mind in the last few days, that she forgot that part of the equation even though she heard it twice. But rather than providing her with an answer, this information just raised a whole new set of questions, and, terrible guilt.

"How…" she tried to form her sentence unsuccessfully. Luckily, Costia already knew what she was going to ask.

"I was born on the mountain, but I grew up in Ton DC. My father was a warrior of the wood clans, my mother was from the mountain," Costia explained patiently.

"But the radiation…"

"We were both immune. My mom, I'm not sure how, but me, well, between her and my father…"

"I'm so sorry, Costia," Clarke offered brokenly. She knew Costia had to know how and why she earned the nickname **_Wanheda_**.

"You did what you had to do," Costia offered curtly. She didn't want to think about it but she knew the sad truth. "My mother used to say there are good people and bad people everywhere. Lexa would've done the same given that choice you were facing, and… so would I." she swallowed hard. If she was put in the position of making that choice, she would've indeed done the same. "Besides, at least you honor the dead. Nia let it burn to the ground," she added between gritted teeth and Clarke could see it again, that very specific fire Costia had in her eyes when she just appeared in front of Ontari upon her return to Polis. Pure hate.

"I'm still sorry," Clarke's face seemed pained as she spoke the words, "for all of it."

She took out the box with the Flame and opened it to show it to Costia who examined it in awe. Lexa described it to her in the past, but this was different, she knew more now, she got a confirmation that in one way or another, Lexa wasn't gone. Now that it turned out to be about science, about technology, it was much easier for Costia to accept.

That was when Titus walked in, seeming exhausted and lost.

 ** _"Heda, Klarke,"_** he nodded at them. Clarke handed him the box with the Flame and he went to his table to prepare himself for the ceremony.

"She really is in there," Costia noted in wonder, looking toward Titus. She turned back to Clarke. "Thank you for watching over her this whole time."

"I didn't watch over her well enough," Clarke bit her lip as more guilt and sadness flooded her.

"Keeping her alive wasn't your job, Clarke, It was mine," Costia offered her a sad smile. "It was my job then and it's my job now. I'll protect her with my life, and we both know I mean it literally," she added as they started closing the distance between them and the older man who gestured at them to join him.

"Just… just let me know if she's there," Clarke pleaded.

"What do you mean?" Costia stopped in her tracks.

Clarke didn't reply immediately. She wouldn't look a Costia, either.

"Clarke?" Costia started to panic so much that she didn't even remember to mask it. "Clarke!" she demanded when she got no reply. But at least the young **_Fleimkepa_** looked at her now.

Clarke saw so much horror on Costia's face that she realized that maybe she had found the only person in the world who cared as much as she did. Did that make Costia her friend?

"In the City of Light, right before I shut it down, she ran toward a bunch of warriors to make sure I wasn't being followed," Clarke admitted, clenching her hands in fists to push down the tears that threatened to come. "I don't know in what state the Flame is, and if it **is** still functional, I… I don't know if Lexa is there," she concluded, her face the perfect picture of sorrow and remorse.

Costia shook he head and sighed heavily.

Clarke wasn't sure what was going through the Commander's mind at that moment. Was Costia upset with Lexa?

Whatever it was, the moment passed quickly and Costia composed herself. She knew there was never really any other choice. She had to try and see.

"I'm ready, **_Heda_**." Titus said, but Costia looked at Clarke intently.

 _She wants me to be the one to do it,_ Clarke realized, _not as some form of punishment, but as a form of honor, respect between us._

But Titus was already prepared and Costia didn't want to provoke the old man even further. Clarke understood and gave Costia a subtle nod.

"Are you sure?" she asked her, for all of their sakes.

"Yes," Costia confirmed with certainty.

"It could kill you."

"I have to try."

Clarke couldn't argue with that. She knew that if the tables were turned she would've made the same choice. She was about to step away, but Costia grabbed her hand.

"Wait." Costia closed her eyes and groaned. Clarke didn't say a word. She was waiting patiently to hear whatever it was that Costia had to say.

 _Dammit, Alex. You are not even in my head yet and you're already in my head._

"Contingency plan," she finally stated matter-of-factly.

"What do you have in mind?" Titus asked suspiciously.

Costia thought about the matter for a moment, then looked at him. She knew he was going to hate the idea.

"A council, made by the ambassadors, led by you… and Clarke," she provided with finality.

"No." He refused right away.

"You seem to think that this was a request rather than an order," Costia warned coldly. "Yesterday you were willing to die. Now you want to be in charge all on your own?" she reminded with a glare.

" ** _Heda_** , she's **_skaikru_**. I'm sorry, Clarke, but…"

"You didn't think a mountain girl was good enough for Lexa, or good enough to be a Nightblood, yet here I am. Your Commander," Costia laid out coldly. "You don't think a sky girl is good enough to lead yet you gave her the Flame for safekeeping," she wasn't going to argue, her mind was made and he was going to obey.

"The people won't follow her. She'll be in danger. We'll both be," he pleaded.

"The guards will keep you safe, they are loyal to me," Costia countered. "Titus, you may not realize this, but she's the closest thing you have, character wise, to Lexa," Costia gestured at Clarke who decided to not interfere in the argument and simply follow whatever it is Costia will end up deciding. "Now," Costia continued, "I've said what I had to say and you'll obey. This is only in case this thing fries my brain. Let's stop talking about Clarke like she's not here and put the Flame in my neck," she concluded in a voice that made it clear that she was done discussing this.

"Yes. **_Heda_** ," he accepted the verdict.

"There's something else you need to know," Clarke started, "about what happened in the City of Light, but I'm hoping once this is done, you'll sort of… know."

Costia nodded. "Is this going to ruin my mood?" she inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"That's almost guaranteed," Clarke shrugged, trying not to chuckle. "Also, this is going to hurt like hell."

"Noted," Costia rolled her eyes.

 _It couldn't just be easy, could it?_

Titus gestured towards a table. Costia sat herself on it, wondering how it would feel like, wondering if she was truly going to see Lexa again. She was anxious, her heart was beating fast.

He was holding the Flame right in front of her face. He used his free hand to take something out of his pocket. It was a forehead piece. He licked his thumb and was about to put it on Costia's forehead.

"No," she stopped him, grabbing something out of her own pocket. "Use this," she requested, voice hoarse.

"This was Lexa's," Clarke observed. She immediately understood Costia's need to use something of Lexa's, but it still sent a pang of jealousy through her body.

"I know," Costia bit her lip and Clarke could see her eyes were glassy. "My father made it for her," she added without looking up at Clarke, just as Titus glued it to her forehead.

 _Now I carry two things that he made,_ Costia thought. _And two things of Alex's._

"Ascende superius," Titus spoke with a strong, solid voice and the Flame woke up to life. Costia stared at it, entranced. Even with all the tentacle like wires, she wasn't scared. This thing used to be in Lexa, and now Lexa was in this thing.

Titus put a soft hand on her shoulder, surprising her by giving her an encouraging look, and slowly brought his other hand to her neck, letting the Flame meet her skin, pierce her skin as it found its way into her body.

Costia screamed in pain, the Flame may have settled, but Costia's flesh was still ripped open. Titus was quick to start and stitch her.

"You did… warn me," Costia told Clarke, biting her lip to ignore the pain, but releasing an occasional hiss.

"I did," Clarke allowed herself a real smile.

Then, suddenly, Costia's body froze, her eyes shut, and when she opened them again she stared forward in disbelief. She felt like she was connected to everything.

"Costia?" Clarke asked in concern. She walked and stood herself right in front of Costia.

"More than a dozen nuclear factories around the world, at least seven are already burning, within six months 96% of the world will be uninhabitable," Costia recited. Clarke was right. She just… knew. She knew this, and so much more.

"Is your mood ruined yet?" Clarke inquired miserably.

"Not entirely," she locked eyes with Clarke, "she's in there," she said meaningfully, knowing how much that information mattered to Clarke who indeed sighed in relief.

Titus was done and walked around the table, scanning Costia's face.

"Can she feel you?" Clarke asked.

"No, it's… not yet. Not until I call for her. I don't know how I know this, but I do," Costia tried to explain, realizing what the reading of the names actually was. She was going to call for them, for all of them. "The Flame, it's… changed. I don't know how to explain it. Something changed after the City of Light. I think, I think I can… tap into it?"

"What do you mean?" Titus questioned in puzzlement.

"Lexa used to talk to the Commanders in her dreams, sometimes through meditation," Costia explained, "but I think she mostly heard voices, maybe saw flashes. But I can… I can go there, like taking the chip took you to the City of Light," Costia continued, looking at Clarke, knowing that if anyone would understand, accept what she was saying, it would be Clarke. "It has a visual existence. Or something."

"So now what?" Clarke asked her.

"The reading of the names," Titus responded even thought the question wasn't meant for him. "The last stage of the ascension. The ambassadors are assembled. They are waiting."

"I need you to get me the artist who did Lexa's conclave tattoo," Costia ordered him. "I will have it done tonight."

"You really don't need to do that, **_Heda_** ," Titus looked at her in surprise.

"Kids died, Titus. My **brother** died," she reminded.

"Not by your hands, not at your conclave," he was trying to understand her state of mind. He always thought her predictable. Ever since he realized he didn't know her at all, he also realized he couldn't predict her at all.

"If I don't honor them, no one will. Their deaths will go unmarked. I will not have that. If I was here earlier, they wouldn't have died," she spat bitterly.

 _They aren't the only ones who wouldn't have died,_ she couldn't help but thinking.

"Find the man," she repeated with finality.

"Yes, **_Heda_** ," he accepted. "Are you going to appoint a new **_Fosgona_**?"

Clarke looked at him. That was the word everyone used on Costia ever since she got back. The word that she assumed meant some sort of a warrior. Her newfound knowledge in **_Trigedasleng_** strengthened that idea, but this was more than language, it was a cultural thing.

"First warrior," Costia provided, reading the contemplative expression on Clarke's face. "The leader of the Commander's guard."

"You were Lexa's," Clarke realized, only then understanding the double meaning of what she said.

"Yes, I was," Costia confirmed sadly, also aware of the additional meaning. "And yes, Titus," she turned to the man, "that would be you. I hope it'll give you some peace of mind knowing that you are now responsible for the safety of the Commander."

Titus looked at her dumbstruck. The surprises kept coming.

" ** _Heda_** , are you stripping me of my duties as **_Feimkepa_**?"

"No, I'm giving you **more** duties," she clarified.

"But who will teach the novitiates?"

"Luckily for us we have another **_Fleimkepa_** ," Costia gestured at Clarke who found the whole situation humorous but didn't let it show.

"But who would teach them to fight when you can't?" Clarke was capable, he was willing to admit that, but she wasn't a warrior.

"How about we discuss this again when we actually have new novitiates," Costia glared at him, wondering if they would ever have a conversation that didn't turn into an endless back and forth.

"Why do you want me?" he asked, defeated. Not only did he not feel worthy of **another** honorable position, he was wondering if this was a trick.

"Because you are the best warrior around aside from me," she reminded matter-of-factly, "and with all the pain you already caused, I know you'll let nothing happen to me. You owe it to Lexa."

His heart squeezed at the implied mention of his crime. The trap wasn't in the position, the trap was in the reasoning, he realized. But she was right, he would die for her.

"Now," Costia started and jumped off the table, "let's go read some names so you and I," she looked at Clarke, "could figure out how to save the world."

* * *

Costia walked into the throne room followed by Clarke and Titus. Everyone in attendance stood up to honor her.

Clarke noticed that Costia's posture changed. She was carrying herself the same way she did when she arrived to Polis, the same way she did when she won the conclave, but it was different than how she carried herself when in an intimate setting.

Clarke looked around and saw that her mother, Kane, Bellamy, Octavia, Nyko and Indra were all there. She also saw Dara. The woman seemed so much better than she did the day before. Mostly, Clarke realized, Dara seemed relieved, and proud.

Clarke joined her people in the audience, watching as Costia was climbing the stairs to the throne, positioning herself right in front of it, while Titus stood by her side.

 ** _"Yesterday you witnessed Kostia kom okru being chosen by the spirit of the Commander,"_** he recapped, reciting the traditional text, **_"this morning Kosia kom okru accepted the Flame. They are now one,"_** he gestured to a handmaiden who was holding something.

 _The shoulder cape,_ Clarke realized. _Also Lexa's._

The handmaiden handed it to Titus who placed it on Costia's left shoulder. If the added weight caused her any pain or discomfort, Costia didn't let it show.

 ** _"To complete her ascension, Heda will now perform the reading of the names."_**

Costia took a step forward.

It seemed surreal to Clarke, to see this short girl walk with such an air of confidence, of conviction, becoming the Commander. A girl who wasn't Lexa.

Costia was the best thing they could hope for, and yet Clarke's heart still broke a little. But she was curious, too. She'd never seen this ceremony before, and she hoped she'd never have to see it again.

Costia closed her eyes. The room was in total silence.

Titus stared at her from the side, searching her face.

 _"She might die one day, but death is not the end, you know that, Fleimkepa."_ A memory struck Titus so strongly that he was left with his mouth agape. _"And some people make a huge impact when they are dead. Alter things completely,"_ the dead Commander in his memories concluded.

 _How did he know?_ Titus wondered. So many things lately pointed to the fact that Titus' faith was misguided, yet Waldron almost foretold this moment. Titus had to believe there was a bigger plan.

Costia's eyes were still shut. Everyone was looking at her in anticipation.

 _What is she doing?_ Clarke wondered, but then Costia's eyes opened sharply and Clarke understood. _She's calling for them. Tapping in,_ she recalled Costia's words from that morning.

 ** _"Bekka Pramheda,"_** Costia started, and Clarke thought she saw something flashes in her eyes.

Everyone in the audience whispered **_"Heda."_**

 ** _"Asha kom trikru,"_** Costia continued and once more the audience recited **_"Heda."_** Clarke saw that flash again. It was as if Costia was establishing a connection to each one of them as she was saying their names.

 ** _"Makalo kom delphikru."_**

 ** _"Heda."_**

 ** _"Alba kom trikru."_**

 ** _"Heda."_**

 ** _"Angus kom podakru."_**

 ** _"Heda."_**

 ** _"Alto kom trikru."_**

 ** _"Heda."_**

 ** _"Dante kom boudalan."_**

 ** _"Heda."_**

 ** _"Atehna kom trikru."_**

 ** _"Heda."_**

Costia paused, she may have been concentrating on the names, but she could still perform a simple calculation. She knew who was next.

 _"You have a part to play,"_ he told her years ago. _"We all do. I might not know what it is, but I know you are still hiding. Maybe one day you'd stop."_ She did stop. She finally stopped which is what brought her here.

 _"Leksa is going to be the next commander,"_ she remembered telling him that day.

 _"That's probably true, but it doesn't mean the Flame doesn't have a plan for you, too. Death is not the end."_

The truth of his words shocked her, but she allowed herself a soft smile as she went on.

 ** _"Waldron kom sankru."_**

 ** _"Heda,"_** the audience recited, many of them smiling as well. Most of them not only remembered him, but served him, too.

Costia couldn't believe that two Commanders were lost during her life time. She wasn't exactly old.

She swallowed hard. She knew what was coming next. It was subtle, but Clarke noticed. More than noticed, she knew.

Costia could feel her, even before she spoke her name. The presence was there since she had taken the Flame. The connection wasn't established yet, but Costia felt it. Like something warm and fuzzy and safe in the back of her head.

Her heart started beating awfully fast.

 ** _"Leksa kom trikru,"_** Costia finally declared, her voice horase, shiver went down her spine, and Clarke saw that flash in her eyes again as the connection was established.

 ** _"Heda,"_** the audience did its part, the word had much more weight this time.

Somewhere far from there, yet at the same time extremely close, a girl was sitting in the center of a green meadow, eyes shut as she was meditating peacefully. She heard her name being whispered from worlds away, as if the wind was carrying it to her. Her eyes flew open and she gasped in disbelief. She breathed once, she breathed twice, starting to shake as the reality of the revelation was dawning on her. A single tear trailed down her cheek.

She smiled.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Nyko giving Costia powder for her cleanse - he used to give it to her all the time in volume 1, she always shared it with Lexa. Not only did it smell nice, but it worked wonders on a sore body.

2\. Costia first arrival to the Commander's quarters - she's finally back home. In a way, this room moved on without her. But she left her mark. In case of the closet, she literally left her mark. Costia recalled how she and Lexa aggressively created the dent in that old closet. It's a throwback to a scene in volume 1, chapter 36.

3\. Lexa's forehead piece from Nardo first appears in Volume 1, chapter 32.

4\. The boomerang, binoculars and the atlas in the trunk - all three objects held importance to Lexa and Costia. They got them all from the mountain, specifically the atlas and the binoculars on their very first visit (volume 1, chapter 2.) They were Costia's mom and she gave them to Lexa as a gift. The binoculars - so that Lexa could watch over her city once she became **_Heda_** , and the atlas because Lexa was interested in the world's geography. The boomerang, or rather, the bangarang, almost killed Lexa in volume 1, chapter 5, while Costia was "experimenting" with it.

5\. The Flame and the City of Light – the first step of dealing with what's coming was for Costia to learn what was happening. She freaked out when Clarke implied Lexa might not be inside the Flame, because in a way, for Costia, part of it all was the thought that she could see Lexa again. By that I mean she mostly hoped that she could hear Lexa's voice in her head, except then she learned that in a similar manner to the City of Light, the Flame has a visual existence. Like I mentioned before, the AIs were connected. If ALIE could use the Flame's code to get upgraded, to get certain information it needed, so could the Flame which was designed to maintain itself and evolve. And so there was absolutely a give and take that happened to both AIs when they merged, and some of it was Becca trying to prepare the Flame for the next stage of its use, hoping that it'll be even more well equipped to serve a future Commander. This will absolutely come up again.

6\. " _S_ _ome people make a huge impact when they are dead. Alter things completely,"_ Titus remembered a conversation between him and Waldron that happened on volume 1, chapter 25. That conversation suddenly felt prophetic to him.

 _7._ ** _Delphikru_** – The Delphi clan in **_Trigedasleng._**

8. ** _Podakru_** – The Lake people in **_Trigedasleng._**

9\. **_Boudalan_** – The Rock Line clan in **_Trigedasleng._**

10\. "B _ut it doesn't mean the Flame doesn't have a plan for you, too. Death is not the end."_ Costia, too, recalled a conversation she had with Waldron (volume 1, chapter 27) and here as well, his words seemed prophetic.

11. ** _Sankru_** – The Desert clan in **_Trigedasleng._**

12\. A few general notes about the chapter. First of all, you didn't really think I'd tell a Costia/Lexa story without Lexa, did you? We won't see her again right away, but like Indra thought on the previous chapter, Lexa's dead but not gone. Imagine what it must've felt like for her to realize that Costia is alive, was alive the whole time.

There are some things about this chapter that I'm really glad I got the chance to write. Clarke addressed what happened in the City of Light, Clarke's entire realization about Costia and her origins, the ceremonies which we heard about on the show but never really got to see, Costia's reunion with her Bo and other sentimental items, Waldron.

I really did miss his character. I felt like this was a nice way of honoring him, and yes, his words were a bit of a prophecy, mostly because, well, I knew what was going to happen when I wrote these words for him J I hinted at stuff a lot and part of it was the hope that a second read would be even more enjoyable to the reader.

A few more words about the past Commanders and the clans – I loved coming up with the names of the dead Commanders and giving them different backgrounds. It almost feels like the clans are Hogwarts houses and **_trikru_** is everyone's Gryffindor, but in reality, there's diversity. So maybe you assumed Waldron was a **_trikru_** , which is exactly why I loved for him to be from another clan. Especially the desert. I lived in the desert for a few years, I think it has an impact on a person's state of mind and character.


	45. De Seken Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

The rest of the previous day was dedicated to celebrations and festivities around Polis. Clarke was on edge. She was anxious to start discussing everything with Costia, but she knew there were a few things Costia had to get out of the way. The ambassadors weren't going to make their lives easy, they proved that time and again, by not making it easy for Lexa, by not standing up to Ontari even after Clarke basically saved everyone. She knew Costia would have to see what she had to work with. Clarke figured even the celebrations were part of tradition that they shouldn't mess up with when they needed the people to follow.

Clarke was also still a little bit dumbfounded by everything that had happened in the span of mere days. She may have gotten a few short conversations with Costia, but she still didn't really know who Costia was, character wise, what to expect from her leadership. Clarke was wondering what Costia's vision was, in general, but toward the sky people specifically. In a way, **_skaikru_** always stood out somehow. Lexa always gave her special attention, valued her opinion. Aden, whom, now Clarke knew, was also Costia's brother and loved Lexa, promised to keep Lexa's vow to protect the sky people. All novitiates did. Then there was Ontari, for the shortest **_Heda_** ship ever, who was so against Clarke and the sky people that she gave them special attention too, in her own twisted way.

Clarke realized Costia hadn't really looked her in the eyes much since they've met. She did smirk at her when Clarke joined Titus in support of the unnecessary vote of no confidence. She did speak to her genuinely, it seemed, and even gave her the occasional sarcastic comment, but that wasn't enough to let Clarke know exactly who she was dealing with.

Clarke was standing among her people, Indra, as always now, by their side. She noticed Roan was on the other side of the room. She didn't get a chance to talk to him since he rushed into the throne room, following Costia's escape from **_Azgeda_**.

Murphy resurfaced as well. He was imprisoned with the rest of them, but the moment they were released, he tried to spend as much time as possible with Emori. The two thought about leaving. Clarke asked them to stay, to help with what was coming. They surprised her by agreeing.

Clarke sighed heavily.

"You are worried," Indra observed, "about how Costia will handle things. How she'll handle **you**."

"Yes," Clarke confirmed simply. She had no reason to hide her concerns and Indra was maybe the only person who could give her actual input into Costia's head.

"Trust me, **_Wanheda,_** this is the best development we could have hoped for," Indra promised. "Costia was born on the mountain. If you thought Lexa was progressive, just wait."

"Well I'm sure Titus is overjoyed, then," Clarke scoffed and Indra offered her a knowing smile.

That was when Costia entered the room, the older **_Fleimkepa_** by her side, both as an advisor and her **_Fosgona._** There were a couple of more guards around them.

 ** _"Rise for your Commander,"_** one of the guards announced and the few that were seated, mainly the ambassadors, did as such.

Costia climbed to the throne, Bo in her hand, Titus placing himself by her side. She turned to watch the audience, they all bowed before her.

"Be seated," she allowed and those of them who could, sat down.

She scanned the room, leaned her Bo on the side of the throne, and sat herself down. She gave Clarke a look, a look that Clarke couldn't figure out.

 _Reassuring, maybe?_ She wondered. Either way, it wasn't a bad look.

Costia started speaking.

"You've all been through a lot, survived hard times, but, sadly, the work is not done," people in the audience moved uncomfortably. "We are facing a challenge like none we've ever faced before," she stated and Clarke released the breath she didn't know she was holding. Costia wasn't wasting any time. "While facing it we'll have to use measures you've never encountered before. You will trust me," it was an order rather than a request, "and you will follow, even if you won't understand. If you have questions, you will ask them, and I will do my best to explain," she added kindly but sternly, "but you **will** follow. The City of Light may have been confusing. You may have heard words like nuclear, missiles, artificial intelligence. These words may be new and strange to you, but a deer with two heads, isn't," she pointed out. "The Veil might be gone, but those of you who lived in the woods know what a radiation storm can do," she reminded and a few people nodded. "People whom you refer to as a stain in the blood line aren't a strange concept. They are **not** a stain in the bloodline," Costia warned, letting them know things were about to change. Murphy and Emori exchanged surprised looks. "They've been hurt, by the same sort of thing that is coming now. **If** we manage to survive it, we might see all of the above, and more, and worse," she admitted.

Clarke understood and appreciated what Costia was doing. Many people woke up from the City of Light and were confused by some information that seemed to have been in their brains even though it wasn't there before.

 _Like knowing Latin,_ Clarke thought of Raven. _Like understanding Trigedasleng._

But she knew it wasn't enough, and Costia was trying to explain to them what was coming in a way that was meant to be both familiar, and frightening.

"We have to work in unity in order to survive this. So, the first order of business, in case it wasn't already obvious, is reinstating **_skaikru_** as the thirteenth clan of the coalition."

Clarke allowed herself the first real smile of the day as she exchanged hopeful looks with Kane and her mother.

 ** _"Heda, if I may,"_** the Shallow Valley clan ambassador stood up.

"You may not," Costia shut him down, insisting on using English.

 ** _"But, Heda,"_** The Desert clan ambassador stood up as well. He didn't seem as aggressive, he seemed concerned.

"Lexa started something," Costia cut him off, "I am going to honor that. Technically, **_skaikru_** were never officially expelled from the coalition," she pointed out to her ambassadors, a warning in her voice.

 ** _"But Ontari…"_** a third ambassador tried.

"Is **not** relevant. She had never ascended," Costia reminded curtly.

 ** _"Heda, please,"_** the Glowing Forest clan ambassador tried his luck next.

"Enough!" Costia ordered, now standing up. "She saved you all, you ungrateful, thick-headed morons," she pointed at Clarke.

The ambassadors look down in shame. They were torn between their need of vengeance, of protecting their people, and the knowledge that the Commander was right.

 ** _"What of the three hundred men who died right before that?"_** the Blue Cliff ambassador asked miserably. Costia heard he lost a brother on the field that day.

Indra translated for all in presence, but once more, Clarke found that she understood the words. She was wondering if the rest of her people who took the chip also understood, but she suspected this might've been a Flame thing.

"The man responsible for the massacre was turned in by his own people," Costia provided calmly. "And then he was executed by his own people, as well," Costia gestured at Octavia who was surprised Costia knew of that. Octavia looked down. When she was standing in front of Pike it felt like the right thing to do, but as the days went by since then she started to wonder what Lincoln would've said.

"That's enough to show you that his deeds don't represent the will of **_skaikru_** ," Costia concluded.

 ** _"But he didn't do it alone,"_** the Shallow Valley ambassador argued and everyone looked at Bellamy whose face contorted in pain.

Costia sighed, shook her head and released a bitter laugh.

"Two Commanders later, or should I say one and a half, and you're all still here," she locked eyes with the ambassador. "That's unfortunate. I heard you tried to stage a coup," she noted and most of the ambassadors looked down in shame. Not him, though. "Let's make things very clear, then," she picked up her Bo and walked to the bottom of the steps. She started pacing in the room, making sure each one of the ambassadors looked into her eyes. "You're thinking "she's too small," you're thinking "she's too weak." No, I am not a fan of unnecessary death, but I warn you now. I have no qualms hurting you if that's what you need in order to remember who is in charge. I am the daughter of **_Nardo kom trikru,_** I am a **_Natblida_** , as was my brother, and I was the Commander's **_Fosgona_** ," she reminded in a way that Clarke had to admit was quite intimidating and way more than a little impressive.

 _How is she doing that?_ Clarke wondered. Every single person in the room towered above Costia. _It's the eyes,_ Clarke realized.

 ** _"_** Above all," Costia continued, "the people of the clans love me." She climbed back to the throne, leaned her Bo on the throne again, and locked eyes with the Shallow Valley clan ambassador once more. "Save us all the time, and do as you're told. Do **not** test me. I will not tolerate it." She gave a final warning.

 ** _"Heda, perhaps you want to respect our ambassadors by speaking Trigedasleng?"_** Titus suggested cautiously, thinking that it may help sway things in her favor with less defiance.

"Perhaps my ambassadors should respect our thirteenth clan by accepting that I will speak in a language everyone in the room understands," Costia spat. She wasn't afraid of defiance. She spent her entire life being different from others.

 ** _"Mountain girl can't even speak our language, how is she going to lead?"_** The Shallow Valley clan ambassador told challengingly.

Costia glared at him. Everyone was staring at her to see her reaction. She calmly picked up her Bo, span it around in her hand as if she was examining it, and then threw it sharply, directly hitting the ambassador's kneecap, smashing it completely. The cracking noise made Clarke nauseated.

The ambassador screamed in pain as he fell to the floor.

"What did I **just** say, ambassador?" he didn't reply, he was too busy squirming in unbearable pain. "There are so many ways to cause sustainable pain without actually killing," Costia shrugged, an innocent smile on her face. She walked down the steps again. "I learned many of them in **_Azgeda_**. Should we examine them all?" she turned around in the middle of the room, creating eye contact with every single one of her ambassadors. They all bowed their heads, falling in line.

"Okay, I like her," Octavia whispered and Clarke had to admit things seemed promising.

"Take him to see a healer," Costia ordered at two of her guards who followed immediately.

"Clearly," she continued, "we need to make a few adjustments when it comes to our dear representatives of the clans here in Polis," she stated dryly and the seated ambassadors seemed uncomfortable.

"King Roan," Costia offered the man across the room a sweet, dangerous smile. He huffed subtly in a way that let Clarke know it wasn't the first time Costia and the king had a similar exchange. "I need a new ambassador from **_Azgeda_** ," she stated flatly.

"But… why?" the Ice Nation's ambassador inquired, standing up. He tried to stay out of everything that unfolded with the rest of the ambassadors and yet he was the first one to be punished. Second, if he considered a certain kneecap.

"You want to try this again, ambassador?" Costia questioned innocently, twisting her Bo in her hand once more for emphasis.

"Why, **Commander**?" Roan interfered before the subtle disrespect of his ambassador would cause further harm.

"Because this man was your mother's man," Costia explained simply. "I want **your** man. Someone who wasn't **_Azgeda_** 's representative while you were still harboring an assumed-to-be-dead **_Natblida_** ," she sneered toward the ambassador in question. ** _"_** Someone who didn't play along when your mother staged a coup. Someone," she brought her stare back to Roan, "who wasn't in the know when your mother destroyed my birthplace," she concluded, her tone extremely dangerous.

"Yes, Commander," Roan nodded respectfully. Costia had a point and he would rather choose one of his loyalists either way.

"But, King Roan…" The Ice Nation ambassador protested. He knew this would put an end to his political career. A career that was already short lived, just like the life of the man he was sent to replace after Lexa kicked him off the tower.

"You've heard the Commander," Roan said coldly.

"The alternative, as you know," Costia referred to the demoted man, "is exiting through the window. I doubt you want that. Goodbye, ambassador," Costia offered firmly and the entire room watched as the now former ambassador stepped out, followed by Roan.

"And Roan…" Costia called to stop him.

"Yes, **_Heda_**?"

"Don't send me another person I'll feel inclined to throw off the balcony," she warned with that same dangerously innocent smile.

"Yes, **_Heda_** ," he bowed and left.

"Great. Anyone else have anything to say?" Costia inquired challengingly, but the remaining ambassadors knew better.

" ** _Heda_** ," Indra stepped forward, "the ambassador of **_trikru_** was among those who died in the City of Light, we need…"

"Indra," Costia stopped her.

"Yes, **_Heda_**?"

"I wasn't asking you a question, I was appointing you," Costia clarified with a smirk. "You are the new **_trikru_** ambassador. Please provide me with a list of names of your top picks for the new chief of Ton DC."

" ** _Heda_** , are you sure that…" Indra tried. She would gladly do as Costia wanted but she wasn't sure that so much change all at once was good.

Costia raised her eyebrow challengingly.

"Yes, **_Heda_** ," Indra nodded and took a step back.

"And since we're discussing new appointments and change in positions, Clarke of the sky people, you are no longer the **_skaikru_** 's ambassador," Costia declared casually.

"What?" Clarke protested in shock. Just when she started to think things were looking up.

" ** _Oktavia kom skaikru,_** you are the new ambassador of the thirteenth clan," Costia announced, ignoring Clarke's little outburst and turning to Octavia.

"What?" Octavia was just as shocked, mirroring her friend's reaction. She looked at Clarke in confusion.

"Commander, with all due respect, why are you making these changes?" Clarke tried to sound as polite as she could.

"You have too many duties, Clarke," Costia was trying to provide the logical explanation. "You are one of our only two Flamkeepers, and, I am hereby appointing you to be my personal advisor alongside Titus."

"What?" both Clarke and Titus blurted simultaneously.

"Enough," Costia rolled her eyes and raised her hand. "This meeting is already taking too long. If you have questions or concerns come see me after."

Clarke searched Titus' face. The man seemed unpleased. The rest of the room was mostly dumbfounded.

"Now," Costia started again, "if we're done here, you are all dismissed. I will call for each of you individually throughout the day," she told her ambassadors. "Clarke, please stay," she concluded and everyone bowed and started leaving the room.

Octavia seemed hesitant. She found Indra's face who gave her an encouraging nod right before exiting the room.

Clarke saw Octavia approaching Costia and figured she could use an additional couple of minutes to sort her thoughts while Octavia and Costia spoke.

 ** _"Heda,_** " Octavia started cautiously.

"Octavia, when we are alone, please, **please** call me Costia." Words couldn't express just how much Costia loathed being referred to by the title she never wanted.

"Costia…" Octavia started again, not sure where the line between being direct and being disrespectful was. "I'm very flattered by the trust you're placing in me, but I'm not a politician. I'm not exactly qualified," Octavia pointed out. She already felt uncomfortable imagining herself sitting on a chair with the rest of the ambassadors in important meetings. "Clarke, though…"

"I told you I was born on the mountain," Costia stopped her. "But I was raised in Ton DC, with Lexa. Which is why, like I said, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere completely."

Octavia nodded in understanding. She could sympathize. **She** was raised under the floor, just to later on get down to earth and see that the Grounders didn't really want her, either, not at first, at least.

Costia surprised Octavia by smiling softly.

"Lexa helped me understand something, though. Not belonging anywhere just means I belong **everywhere** ," she pointed out. Octavia looked at her in surprise, as if she'd never considered that before. "You are like me," Costia stated simply, kindly. "We see things in a way others don't. We have a larger scope. It took me a while to accept it. It's hard to admit that you have something others can't posses, but **we** do. You are not different, Octavia Blake. You're special," Costia concluded.

Octavia stared at her in awe. But she could relate to Costia's story, because Lincoln made her feel that way. Almost every day since she got to the ground she tried to prove herself. And then there was Lincoln, and she could just be. But he was gone now. She was wondering if the stars aligned in such a way that the new Commander, of all people, was the person who understood her better than most. Costia sure kept saying things that pointed in that direction.

"You and Lincoln…" the Commander started softly, knowing that the mention of the man would hurt the girl in front of her, "you were like my parents. Like Lexa and I. Two worlds that collided, yet worked so well together."

Octavia knew what Costia was trying to say, when she was talking about her upbringing, when she was talking about Lincoln. They had a lot in common. They were alike in many ways. It made Costia recognize something in Octavia, something that Costia felt like she could trust, could benefit from.

"If things turned out differently," Costia sighed, "if you ever had kids, they would've been like me," Costia explained and Octavia realized she was right. "We have a world to save, Octavia, but we need to think about the day after we save the world, too."

 _The people love her,_ Octavia thought. _They grew to love a girl who was born to parents from two different worlds._

Costia was right, Octavia realized. Their future, their chance to flourish was in the integration. Something Octavia was already doing without even thinking about it.

"Don't be afraid to consult Kane, and Clarke and Indra are going to be here in Polis with you and they will always be there for you, but, trust your instincts. No one among **_skaikru_** knows what it means to belong to two places. No one but you. You can serve them better than anyone."

Octavia didn't know what to say, so she went with "thank you," making Costia chuckle lightly.

"I will try to make sure you don't regret this," Octavia offered sheepishly.

Costia didn't reply just quirked her eyebrow teasingly.

"Thank you, Commander," Octavia bowed her head and turned to leave.

Costia huffed. She supposed Commander was better than ** _Heda_** , but the word still rattled her.

"Octavia," she stopped her new ambassador, "we need to talk about Pike."

Octavia's face soured. She knew things went too smoothly up until that point.

"You can't do something like that ever again," Costia warned. "We can't allow ourselves to be fueled by vengeance. It's time consuming, and energy consuming and we have enough on our plates," Costia continued and Octavia swallowed hard. "But if we **were** fueled by vengeance…" the Commander continued, looking over her shoulder where Titus stood, "well, dying is the easy way out when you have regrets."

Octavia followed her gaze, realizing that Costia let the man who killed her lover live. More than that, she gave him more responsibilities.

 _He does look tormented_ , Octavia thought.

"Just ask your brother. One look in his eyes and you know he's the one who's really being punished, not Pike, and there's nothing he can ever do to take what he did back," Costia concluded.

"Yes, **_Heda_** ," Octavia accepted. She didn't know if she agreed yet. She wasn't sure Bellamy didn't deserve a bigger punishment. But he was still her brother and she was happy he was alive even if their relationship was very complicated at the moment.

She had so many people in her life who motivated her in different ways. She wanted her mother and brother to love her, she wanted to have friends who would accept her. Then, she wanted Indra's approval, because she was in awe of the warrior. But Costia was different. She found Costia inspiring. As if the young leader understood her better than anyone, believed she could do great things, was willing to give her the chance to prove herself. And Octavia wanted it. She didn't even realize how much she wanted it until it was offered to her.

She bowed one last time and turned to leave, wanting to find Kane and discuss with him all the possibilities and ideas that started flooding her mind now that she tuned herself to it.

Costia smiled as she watched the woman leave. She could see the wheels turning and even though she had no doubt she'd made the right decision, she loved seeing Octavia's face as the other woman experienced what seemed like an epiphany.

She climbed to the balcony, knowing that her day was far from over.

"Join me, Clarke," she asked the last person still in the room other than Titus.

Clarke did as she was told, joining Costia on the balcony, watching over Polis, seeing beyond the city wall. It was beautiful. She never done that specific sightseeing from the throne room's balcony before.

She looked down and was overcome by sudden fear. Costia noticed and chuckled.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to kick you off this balcony, Clarke. That's more of a Lexa thing," Costia teased.

"Humor, huh?" Clarke smiled at her. They had a few exchanges that pointed at the fact that Costia was funny, and yet, it still caught Clarke by surprise. Costia had an undeniable fierceness, but there was something light hearted about her, too.

"I'm guessing Alex wasn't one for joking around much after I presumably died," Costia sighed heavily.

Clarke was a bit thrown off by Costia's use of a nickname. She never heard anyone refer to Lexa like that before and then it finally hit her. The easy way in which the name slipped out of Costia's lips, the fact that it didn't even seem like Costia realized she said it. Clarke understood just how big the intimacy between Lexa and this woman Clarke was just getting to know, was. She knew there was big love there. After all, Costia was willing to die for Lexa, and Lexa couldn't let it happen. But it was the little things that really showed how special that love actually was. Little things like Costia calling Lexa in a way no one else was probably allowed to. Clarke didn't want it to affect her that much, but it did.

"So you don't want me as an ambassador anymore," Clarke stated flatly, gladly changing the subject.

Costia turned to look at her, a glint in her eye.

"You've been promoted, Clarke. You do realize that, right? Try to look happier about it," Costia teased.

"Is this a "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" kind of thing?" Clarke felt like she had to ask.

"Why do you assume you are my enemy?" Costia turned around, elbows leaning on the balcony's rail while her body was facing the throne room.

 _She seems… almost carefree,_ Clarke decided in astonishment. Unlike her, it was evident that Costia felt at ease in the space. That it was familiar to her as if she's been on that balcony many times before.

"You don't know me at all, I understand that," Costia started. "You are questioning why I'd give you a higher position, one with great influence," she observed. "You think it's some weird trick. However, if you did know me…" she stopped and looked away, biting her lip. "All that really matters to me is that Alex trusted you, trusted your judgment," she admitted, the nickname escaping her lips again without her realizing. "And… I suspect we understand each other's pain in a way no one else does." Costia searched Clarke's eyes, and Clarke realized there was almost a plea there.

 _She is right,_ Clarke noticed. _We both lost her._

She felt herself getting choked up, so she stared forward, fixing her gaze on a tree far beyond the walls.

"I want..," Costia stopped and backtracked, "no, I **need** to continue what she started. There's no other person I'd trust more in fulfilling that legacy, of wanting this to work, than you. We can't let those idiots ruin what Lexa tried to achieve."

Clarke genuinely smiled at her now. That was the moment she needed in order to know that they could be each other's best allies, maybe even friends.

Which is why she decided she could approach the subject that bothered her.

"So… Alex?"

Costia's eyes widened in surprise. Clarke figured Costia was running through their entire conversation in her head, trying to figure out when she used the nickname.

"I'm sorry," Costia smiled bittersweetly, presumably realizing that she indeed let the nickname slip.

"You've been trying to be respectful of my feelings. That's why you were trying to hide your tattoo when you just got here," Clarke concluded, pointing at the aforementioned tattoo.

"Yeah but now you know, which is good, I guess, because I prefer wearing short sleeves," Costia shrugged.

"Thank you, for trying to be considerate, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm a big girl," Clarke chuckled but Costia saw right through it.

 _Big girls hurt, too,_ Costia thought.

"Were you two married?" Clarke asked the thing that was on her mind ever since she saw the matching tattoo. She knew that if she wouldn't follow up with the question now, she'd lose her nerve, and she wanted to know, needed to know.

Costia looked away. She seemed a bit uncomfortable but mostly completely heartbroken.

"The clans don't really use the word married," Costia started to explain, still not looking at Clarke. "Binded, is the term. But, no, we weren't," she dared looking at the girl who asked the question. "We were promised, which, for a mountain girl and a sky girl like ourselves would be the equivalent of engaged, I suppose," she concluded and looked down.

It wasn't the eye contact that bothered Costia now. It was the fact that she felt like she was going to break down again, and the throne room, in front of the other girl that Lexa loved, was the last place she could afford herself to do it in.

"I'm sorry, Costia," Clarke offered and was wondering how the other girl would react to physical contact. She chanced taking Costia's hand and squeezing it. Costia didn't pull away.

Clarke loved Lexa. Loved her with all her heart, but she couldn't help feeling sorry for her own dead lover, and the young, clearly broken woman in front of her. She couldn't help but thinking again that Lexa died after years of carrying the pain over Costia's death, without knowing Costia was alive. And Costia never got to say goodbye.

Costia was right. They had that much in common, at least. No one else knew how much anguish came with losing someone as special as Lexa.

It made her want to do everything within her power to help Costia. Help Costia help **her.**

"The ambassadors will keep giving you a hard time," she sighed.

"Yes," Costia agreed knowingly, taking a step back. "God forbid we'll have some time to prosper around here. I'll replace them all if I have to. The enemy within, Clarke. Always the most dangerous one. Our societies aren't all that different."

Clarke knew Costia was talking about Pike, but not just him. The ambassadors, the mountain's leadership that was just as responsible as Clarke to their own demise.

"That was very Commandery of you. But mostly, you don't really speak like a **_trikru_** ," Clarke noted.

"I'm not exactly a **_trikru_**. I think you got that memo," Costia joked.

Clarke smiled widely.

"Hey, Clarke?"

"Yeah?"

"I'd like to read the First Commander's journal." She figured she already had access to all of it in her head, but reading it couldn't hurt.

"Are you asking or ordering?" Clarke teased with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm ordering in an asking-like manner."

Clarke smirked.

"Raven has it back in Arkadia. I'll bring it to you as soon as possible, **_Heda_** ," Clarke promised, assuming Costia knew who Raven was, especially now when she had the Flame and probably realized what part Raven played in saving everyone.

"Costia, when we are alone, please," she rolled her eyes. "Lexa was **_Heda_**."

 _Then what does that make you?_ Clarke wanted to ask but decided against it.

"I know you want to make a game plan for what's coming, Clarke, but I have to spend this day meeting with the ambassadors. If they decide to play along and not second guess everything, it'll make life much easier for us," Costia explained apologetically.

"I get it. It's the first day of your Commandership. There are certain things you have to do."

"Yeah," Costia sighed subtly, "but we'll talk first thing tomorrow, I promise. I have some ideas." All of a sudden she seemed exhausted to Clarke.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked in concern.

"Yeah, just, tired," Costia excused.

"Didn't sleep well last night?"

 _Didn't sleep at all, actually._ She offered Clarke a smile but didn't correct her. Sleeping in her bed, the bed that she shared with Lexa, the bed she knew Lexa shared at some point with Clarke, felt wrong. She considered napping on the couch but then she realized what would happen once she'd fall asleep and she was so horrified she sneaked out of the tower and walked in the dark most of the night, avoiding sleep at all costs.

"I need to go see the rest of the ambassadors," Costia gave her one last smile and was about to leave.

"Hey, Costia," Clarke stopped her, making her turn.

"Yeah?"

"How are you alive?" Clarke asked. It's the one thing she didn't inquire yet.

"I was never really dead," Costia smiles sadly and left Clark alone, to watch over Polis and to consider all of the morning's events.

* * *

Notes:

1\. I call this chapter "Costia does house cleaning."

2\. The Veil was the acid fog used by the mountain men as weapon against the Grounders. First seen in episode 1X03.

3\. Once more, I'll mention how much I enjoyed exploring Costia and Octavia and I think this chapter really shows why. They have a special understanding, as do Costia and Clarke, so this was a nice opportunity to show all sorts of new relationships and dynamics.


	46. De Seken Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

Costia walked into the throne room followed by Titus. Clarke was already there, waiting for her. Clarke thought that Costia seemed even more exhausted than the day before, but the Commander was doing a fine job at trying to hide it. Clarke was extremely attentive, though, and she assumed that was why not one, but two Commanders chose to confide in her. Though to what extent Costia would confide in her remained to be seen.

"Good morning, Commander," she greeted.

"Clarke," Costia replied with a soft smile. She then turned to her other advisor. "You are welcome to stay, Titus, but I can almost guarantee this subject will not be to your liking."

"I will not leave your side," he provided sternly and Costia had to hold a snort.

"Yes, I'm in grave danger here in **my** tower, with **my** advisor and my weapon in my hand," she gestured at her Bo.

Titus didn't reply. Instead, he positioned himself by one of the room's pillars, resolving on being a silent observer.

"As you wish, **_Fosgona_** ," Costia told the man and sat herself down on one of the ambassadors' chairs, gesturing for Clarke to do the same.

"And here we are," Costia tilted her head in amusement.

"Yes. At last," Clarke agreed and sighed. For days now she'd been haunted by the notion that she could've ended it all, that she could've granted them all the freedom of ignorance, of eternal, painless existence.

 _But that meant dying, in reality,_ she tried to tell herself. Between Ontari, and the ambassadors, and even seeing how broken some of her own people were upon waking up from their chip induced dream, she wasn't sure she deserved the gratitude some expressed toward her.

Costia could read it all on her face.

"I know what you had to do in the City of Light, Clarke," she started, gently, the information from the Flame filling the blanks. "It was the right decision," Costia tried to search Clarke's eyes, let her know that she truly meant it.

But Clarke looked down, ashamed that Costia could see through her so easily, hating that she was put in the position of causing pain to others once more. You do it once or twice, it's a coincidence, you do it three times and it's a pattern. ALIE offered her a chance to never have to make these decisions ever again and Clarke turned her down.

"Clarke, look at me," Costia demanded and Clarke forced herself to do as she was told. There was nothing but genuine solicitude in Costia's eyes. "I know there's an aftermath to deal with, but you don't have to deal with it alone," Costia added, and Clarke looked at her in surprise. Costia wasn't just offering to help because that's what needed to be done, she was offering Clarke compassion, she was offering Clarke to share the burden, and for that Clarke was immensely grateful. "And for the record, Ontari would have never made that choice," Costia continued with conviction, "which is enough to show you it was the right thing to do," she scoffed, "so we're all lucky you didn't give her the Flame. We are all saved because you are the one who was there."

"How can you be sure?" Clarke questioned miserably, "about Ontari I mean."

"She took the chip. She chose it," Costia explained. "So if she was given the choice to save herself the pain of facing what's coming, what do you think she'd have chosen?"

Clarke nodded sadly, appreciating the fact that Costia actually cared about making her feel better.

"Which is why you have to make sure Jaha doesn't become the leader of **_skaikru_** again," Costia warned. "He chose it, too. A man who can't even face his own pain is not a man I want as the leader of one of my clans when we're facing a crisis."

"He left again, as soon as you ordered our release. I think he was ashamed," Clarke admitted.

"Well, then we have to talk to Octavia and Kane. I need you to find him. Consider how much damage he caused the last time he was left to his own devices," Costia reminded.

"You know all of this from the Flame?" Clarke asked in surprise.

"Parts of it, yes," Costia confirmed. "I suppose that when the AIs merged the transfer of information was mutual. And then there are always the guards at **_Azgeda_** ," Costia looked to the side in contemplation.

"Ah, yes, the infamous guards," Clarke chuckled.

"Indeed," Costia confirmed sarcastically. "I think we both agree it has to be Kane. He carries the coalition's mark, and to be honest, with everything that's coming, your mother is going to be very busy," Costia presented.

"I agree, it needs to be Kane," Clarke confirmed.

"Titus?" Costia turned to the man by the pillar, surprising him by asking for his opinion. "Any objections?"

 _She's trying to include me,_ he realized. _Why?_

"No, **_Heda._** I agree with you both."

"Good, then it's settled," Costia turned back to Clarke. "I appreciate you wanting to be a democracy, Clarke, but if you think Kane might encounter resistance I can just appoint him and **_skaikru_** will be mad at the big bad Commander instead, but we'd still have Kane and that's what matters."

Clarke laughed, she actually laughed. She didn't know how anyone could ever think of Costia as big and bad, but she understood what Costia was offering.

"Thank you, Commander, but I very much doubt Kane will have any issues being re-elected after everything that happened."

"Good, that's a positive sign. And that's one thing out of the way," Costia sighed and Clarke noticed that exhaustion once again.

"What will you do?" Clarke pondered out loud, referring to the bigger situation at hand. "What will **we** do?"

"I have some ideas. You are talking to someone who asked Lexa years ago about sending the boat people across the ocean," Costia admitted teasingly.

"You did?" Clarke asked, intrigued. She herself would've considered going on a quest if she wasn't on a constant survival mode ever since they reached the ground.

"We always joked about traveling," Costia confessed sadly. It was always just a fantasy, they were too tied to their lives in Polis, their duty. "We wanted to see the world, what else is out there. Lincoln was the same way, except he actually got to go. But never that far," Costia shared and Clarke could see a little hint of jealousy on Costia's features. "We have a lot of work to do, Clarke."

"Where do we start?" It was such a relief to follow someone else's lead for a change.

"What **can** we do?" Costia stood up and started pacing around. She had a few thoughts on the matter. "Do we try and do a gene therapy? It won't help with the acid rain, or the undrinkable water, but it might mean that we can survive the radiation and heat," Costia pointed out. Clarke knew Costia wasn't done talking and she listened, alert. "Do we try to take some of these fires out? We'll need to build factories to produce equipment, we'll need both ground transportation and ways to get overseas. But these sort of things haven't existed in this world for a hundred years. We'll never manage to create all of it in six months. But what if we at least try to do something about the nuclear factories in the United States? Will it buy us a few more months before the earth is not habitable? And If 96% won't be habitable, where is the other 4% and is it a realistic to migrate there?"

"You thought about everything, Commander," Clarke noted, impressed. Costia mentioned all of the things Clarke herself came up with, and a few things that she hadn't.

"We might have to try a few things simultaneously," Costia pointed out and Clarke nodded in agreement. "If it's gene therapy we're going with, we'll have to experiment. If we're trying to put the fires out, we need a travel plan. Either way, there are many calculations to be made. We can't make these kinds of calculations," Costia paused and locked eyes with Clarke, "but an AI can."

"You want to talk to Becca," Clarke realized. How did she not think about that? They had an incredible resource at hand, or rather, in Costia's head.

Titus coughed in the back, but this time Costia paid him no mind. She warned him that he won't like their conversation. He chose to stay.

"Yes," Costia confirmed and sat back down. "I told you, the Flame is different now. I can go into it. **Really** go into it."

"Yeah, Like the City of Light," Clarke repeated what Costia told them right after her ascension.

"Yes, but I'll be the one in control."

Clarke assumed Costia was talking from the experience of having done so already, after all, it's been a few days.

"It was tricky to find her in the City of Light," Clarke admitted.

"I'm assuming it'll be tricky, here, too. I'll take a day, and leave you two in charge so I can do this undisturbed. It'll take as long as it takes."

"When?" Clarke inquired. Costia's idea was solid and at the very least could lead to some more ideas from Becca's end, but Clarke knew that either way, they didn't have much time to waste.

"I have other urgent matters to attend to, today, and possibly tomorrow, but I will do it the day after tomorrow at the latest," Costia promised.

"Time is against us," Clarke sighed in concern.

"Trust me, Clarke, I know."

"What did Lexa say about all of this?" Clarke inquired cautiously. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear about Costia and Lexa's reunion inside the Flame, but this was important.

Both girls could feel Titus tense behind them even without looking at him.

Costia looked away.

"I… haven't seen her yet," Costia admitted after a few silent moments went by.

Clarke examined her face in surprise. Looking at Titus, she saw he was surprised, too.

But then it all made sense to Clarke. Costia's exhaustion, Costia's hesitancy. Clarke knew that she was partially to blame, even if unintentionally.

"You haven't slept since the conclave, have you?" she asked quietly, making sure Titus didn't hear. It's been three nights, that fact alone was enough to worry Clarke.

Costia didn't answer. She didn't want to lie, but she also felt like this was no one's business.

"You should see her," Clarke noted sadly. "She'd want to see **you**. She probably wonders why you haven't gone to her yet," Clarke concluded.

Costia knew she was right. She already felt guilty enough as it was, but she was hurting, too. She was upset even though she didn't want to be.

A knock was heard.

"Enter," Costia allowed, grateful for the distraction.

Roan walked in.

" ** _Heda_** ," he bowed, "you asked to see me?"

"I'll go see Octavia about Jaha," Clarke stood up, "I'll check in with you later?"

"Yes, Clarke, thank you," Costia nodded and Clarke left the room.

"You , too, Titus," Costia ordered.

He was about to argue but he saw the warning expression on her face.

"Yes, **_Heda_** ," he bowed as well and followed Clarke out.

Costia locked eyes with Roan but didn't offer him a seat.

"You know what I want to know," she stated flatly.

"Yes," he confirmed. He knew that request was coming and he had no reason, or will, to deny it.

"Where is she?" Costia demanded coldly.

"In **_Azgeda_** ," he provided effortlessly.

 _The Ice Nation,_ the thought made Costia ache. _All this time, so close yet forever out of reach._

"Why?" she interrogated.

"I had people I could trust there, even after Ontari took the throne," he explained. "And with the ice caves… I made sure she didn't rot." He knew even before he said the words that Costia wouldn't like hearing them, but he wanted her to understand he did everything within his power to be respectful of the deceased Commander.

"Send her to me," Costia ordered sternly. "Her place is in the sacred temple with the rest of the fallen Commanders. It's time the Ice Nation stops taking things that don't belong to it," she narrowed her eyes.

"Yes, **_Heda_**." He was about to exit but changed his mind. "Commander?" he started cautiously.

"Yes?" she glared at him. He may have proved himself a loyal ally, one with principals, but there was still much she couldn't easily forgive.

"If I haven't told you back in **_Azgeda_** that her body was unharmed would you have killed me by now?"

"The difference between someone who's tough and someone who's insane is one death too many," she provided simply.

"That's not exactly an answer," he dared pointing out.

"It's an answer that says don't push your luck, Ice King," she warned.

He nodded one last time and left, planning to personally execute the Commander's demand.

* * *

Nyko and Abby walked into the throne room.

"Titus, you can leave if you want," Costia offered, seated on the throne. "I'm afraid this subject isn't going to be very much to your liking, either."

"With respect, **_Heda_** , do you think you'll discuss any subject that **will** be to my liking in the near future?" he inquired stoically.

"I don't think so, no," Costia replied off-handedly.

"Then I better get used to it," he soured and looked away, choosing to be the silent observer once more. Except Costia knew this time he will not remain silent for too long.

Finally, Nyko addressed her. "You asked to see us, **_Heda_**?"

Costia rolled her eyes. She had known him their whole lives.

"Yes, Nyk," she stood up. "Doctor Griffin, we haven't been appropriately introduced," she climbed down the stairs. "I'm Costia," she offered her hand and Abby took it.

Abby was bewildered. No Grounder ever referred to her by her professional title.

Titus cleared his throat in protest of how casual Costia was about her own title. She ignored him.

"No one around here ever refers to me as Doctor Griffin," Abby pointed out, contemplative.

"I grew up on the mountain, Doctor Griffin. My mom died of cancer when I was six," Costia explained. She knew doctors very well.

"I'm sorry," Abby offered, surprised. She heard by now that Costia was from the mountain, but she didn't know much about her history.

"Thank you, but don't be," Costia gave her a bittersweet smile. "She was supposed to die when I was much younger. The doctors on the mountain gave us more time together."

Abby understood what Costia was trying to say. Costia had her own experience with modern medicine, she had respect towards doctors, or at least some aspects of their work.

"Which is why you two are here," Costia continued. "Doctor Griffin, I'm sorry to say you'll have your work cut out for you in the next few months, and we'll discuss that in length. But I also want to think about the day **after** we survive this," she explained. They kept living from one crisis to another. She wanted them all to get to build something. She knew Lexa would want that, too. "I understand the power of science. You know things that the clans can never aspire to. I heard about what you did with Lincoln and the Reapers."

Titus had a feeling he knew where this was headed and he cleared his throat again.

"You chose to say, Titus, so either be quiet or go take care of that throat of yours that is clearly bothering you," Costia reprimanded without turning around. He looked down and huffed.

"But then again don't be mistaken," Costia continued, addressing Abby again, "there are things our healers can do that you can't," she smiled at Nyko.

"I believe that," Abby agreed. She had seen it firsthand. The healers used powders, and leaves, they knew the new earth better than anyone. Poisons, radiation related injuries, they had more experience.

"We are not at war anymore, not with one another, anyway," Costia clarified. "It's time we think about the future. We need to teach a new generation of people who choose to dedicate their lives to the art of medicine everything we know. **All** of what we know. You are part of us now. We can learn from each other."

" ** _Heda..._** " Titus surprised them all by actually speaking up.

"Quiet," Costia shut him down. She knew that she kept bringing down the fundamentals of his beliefs, but she couldn't keep holding his hand. He was much older than her, he used to be her teacher, yet she felt like she was the one doing the educating. She had a vision, she wanted more for all of them and she wasn't going to let him ruin it. She kept going.

"I wish this could take priority, that we could start teaching tomorrow, but all of our resources would soon go toward whichever plan we'd choose to execute. So in the meantime, I want you to sit down, I want you to plan. Once we deal with what's coming and we wake up on the other side of this, we're going to open a school," she declared. Ever since she was a child she thought about it. If the clans weren't at war with the mountain, maybe Waldron wouldn't have died. Maybe her father wouldn't have bled out.

 _Maybe Lexa…_ she shook her head to push the thought away.

"You two are going to create a curriculum," she stated with a smile, "so in a few years from now we'll have people of all clans, who will be informed in everything. And we will help you with the means to do that, once we can."

Nyko and Abby looked at her, then at each other, completely stunned. This was something that they both wanted, even if the actual thought didn't occur to them.

" ** _Heda_** , this is blasphemy!" Titus called in shock, ruining the nice moment. "We can not merge their ways with ours!"

"There is no them or us anymore, Titus," she finally turned around and glared at him. "We need to evolve. We are finally not in war with one another, we need to take advantage of that, to be prepared. In a few months from now you're going to see a lot of people in pain, so you need to get on with the plan," she concluded and was about to turn back, but he irritated her so much she couldn't help but take a dig at him. "Also, you stitch like a butcher so maybe one day Abby could teach you a thing or two."

That silenced him even though he was very clearly upset.

"Commander, what exactly would you have us do?" Abby inquired. Were they looking at unlimited resources once they saw they actually managed to survive another apocalypse?

"I want you to sit, and plan," Costia explained simply. "What will you teach? Where would that be? Do we have to send students to Arkadia? Can we do it somewhere else? How long before we have people with satisfactory training and so on. I recommend Octavia, Kane and Clarke be a part of this discussion. And I will be waiting for you to present me with a plan once you have one. Nyk," she turned to her friend, "I'm about to give some other assignments to Doctor Griffin, so don't be too hard on her if she's not always available."

He nodded in understanding.

"This is incredible, Commander, thank you," Abby chuckled. The possibilities were endless. Costia had the power to make this happen and it seemed like she just did, even if it was just planting the seeds.

"Don't thank me just yet," Costia smiled sadly. "We need to survive a nuclear disaster first. Nyko, would you mind giving us the room?"

"Of course, **_Hed_** …" she gave him a warning glance.

"Cos," he corrected. "One of these days we'll have a proper catch up."

"Yes, one of these days," she agreed and he bowed and existed the room.

" ** _Heda_** ," Titus spoke again, trying the softer approach. But it didn't matter because he chose the worst words possible. "I beg you, this is too big of a change. It's exactly the kind of change that got Lexa killed."

Costia turned to him, livid. Her eyes were shooting daggers at him as she spoke. "You do **not** get to talk to me about her death. **You** are the reason she's dead!"

"Yes, and I'll never be able to live with myself, **_Heda_** , but…"

"Leave!" she ordered. That was enough arguing with Titus for one day and she had to stay composed. She had so much work ahead of her and the lack of sleep started to get to her.

He knew he wouldn't be able to change her mind and he was doing more harm than good, so he bowed as well and left the room, trying to compose himself.

She knew she hurt him, and she wasn't proud, but she was too angry and pre-occupied to do something about it, so instead, she focused on the sensitive subject at hand.

"I can come back later, Commander," Abby suggested kindly, she could see how upset Costia was. It still blew her mind that they were constantly led by what she viewed as kids. But the more time went by, the more she realized those kids went through more than the rest of them could imagine.

"No, Doctor Griffin, that's fine, I want us to talk. And please, call me Costia when we are alone." Costia was wondering how many more times she'd have to recite that sentence.

"Then please, call me Abby."

"Okay, then, Abby," Costia smiled softly. "What I'm about to ask of you can cause so much damage that absolutely no one else can know about this. Not even Kane, not even Clarke, at least not for now. We might have to clue some more people in sooner rather than later."

Abby was alarmed but she nodded in agreement, encouraging Costia to go on.

"You know about Nightblood now, the Commander's sacred blood," Costia stated rather than asked.

"Yes," Abby confirmed.

"For the people of the clans, it's not science, it's their religion. They think that people with Nightblood were chosen. Even after everything, even after the City of Light, there's much they don't know. But you… you don't really believe I was chosen for anything, do you?" Costia questioned simply. She already knew the answer. She's been having these thoughts since she, herself, was a child.

Abby wasn't sure what kind of answer Costia wanted, so she didn't reply.

"Of course you don't," Costia smirked at her. "Because you are a woman of science and you know this had to be caused by something. I grew up in a place with science. I read about science my whole life. It made Lexa uncomfortable sometimes. We argued about this more than once."

"About what?" Abby wanted to know exactly where the conversation was headed before she would say something the Commander would deem as too outrageous or disrespectful.

"About the source of the Nightblood," Costia clarified casually.

"Oh," Abby provided, still cautious.

"Becca created it. She came from Polaris, she subjected herself to some sort of gene therapy, that much at least we know by now. I haven't seen her notebook yet, but I can only assume that if I know it because of the Flame, it's in that notebook, as well. Which means Clarke knows it, which means you know it."

Abby was sort of stunned. She really never had this kind of a conversation with a Grounder before. It's not just that Costia knew all of it, she **understood** all of it.

"My people? The coalition? They don't understand these things, but if they did, it could tear everything apart. If they realized that being a Nightblood can be…"

"An acquired state?" Abby finally dared to speak.

"Yes. And whatever sort of stability we may have now will be gone and it wouldn't matter that we have much bigger concerns. I need to know more about the blood. I need to have more of it. If a Nightblood gets hurt in a battle, he can't even get a blood transfusion. You do not have any Nightblood supply. This can mean someone's life at one point or another in the future," Costia thought out loud. Not just her. Once they found new novitiates? Costia would not accept losing any more people because of blood loss, something so relatively easy to prevent.

"Then what are you saying?" Abby asked cautiously. She had a feeling she knew what was happening, but she didn't think it was her place to voice it.

"I'm saying, and god, Lexa would've killed me for this, I'm saying that I'm going to give you blood," Costia sighed. "Analyze it, do what you do, maybe even start thinking about creating a synthesized version of it. We need to know everything we can. This might have a huge effect on all of our futures, I have a feeling we have an extensive campaign of gene therapy ahead of us."

Abby agreed. As a scientist she had a feeling that alteration of the people's blood might be their only chance to survive what was coming. She also understood the magnitude of it all, what Costia was providing her with.

"You want me to start a blood bank?"

"I do," Costia confirmed. "And for that you need all types of blood. And I will be seeing Becca really soon and hopefully have some information that will help expedite things," she provided and Abby looked at her in puzzlement, trying to figure out what seeing Becca meant exactly. "But I want you to start working, so I'll come by tomorrow so you can draw blood and I need to know that you are not going to manipulate this situation," Costia added matter-of-factly.

"Why are you trusting me with this?" Abby inquired. The school, the blood, the bank, and Becca? So much was going on. Costia moved **fast** and Abby had to appreciate it. Time was a luxury they didn't have.

"Because you're Clarke's mom and I trust **her.** I'm just asking you not to tell her," Costia explained in seriousness.

"Why do you trust **her**?" Abby had to ask. Her daughter had been through enough and even though Abby knew Clarke could handle almost everything, Abby's maternal instincts meant that she was always on protective mode when it came to her daughter.

"Because Lexa loved her, and that's good enough of a judgment call for me," Costia provided and swallowed hard.

Abby could tell the admission was hard on Costia so she nodded in acceptance, not pushing further which Costia seemed to appreciate as she changed the topic.

"I need you to sit down with Octavia and Kane and start figuring out how to transfer your lab here to Polis. I'm sorry to separate you from Kane," Costia apologized sincerely, "but we all have work to do, and I can't travel to Arkadia constantly, yet I have to have you and your work in close proximity."

"I understand, Commander, and I agree. We'll figure out how to do this and we'll make sure it happens as soon as possible. I'll let you know the how and the when."

"Good," Costia smiled, things were finally moving. "And there's another thing I need you to bring with you to that new lab."

"What is that?" Abby asked, starting to berate herself for not bringing a notebook to write it all down. She didn't expect such a content-filled meeting.

"It's not a what," Costia corrected, "it's a who. Raven Reyes."

* * *

Notes:

1\. The sacred temple - In volume 1, chapter 11, Lexa explained that the only warrior bodies that don't get burned are the Commanders' whose final resting place is in the temple and that the only one who's allowed inside is the Flamekeeper upon burial.

2\. Raven - I really wanted this story to focus on women, and I think it does. Some more than others, clearly, but as I was writing this I was thinking "how nice that soon enough I'll have another beloved strong female character to play with."


	47. De Seken Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

Costia was walking down the hallway of a lower level of the tower, where they now hosted their guests from Arkadia. All she had to do was give blood, talk to a few people, and then she could finally, and somewhat unfortunately, deal with the big task at hand. It wasn't like she had a handbook to the Flame. The Flame wasn't exactly the same as before, either, so "going in" was more of a trial and error kind of thing rather than a guaranteed smooth sail. Yes, it was calling for her, and on occasion Costia found some random information in her brain that wasn't there before, but this was different.

She stepped around a corner and spotted Clarke coming down the very same hallway. The moment she noticed Clarke she turned on her heels, knowing that the **_Fleimkepa_** would harass her, since, she guessed, it'd be very evident to Clarke that Costia missed another night of sleep.

"Oh my god, are you avoiding me?" Clarke called after her in disbelief.

Costia knew she was being pathetic. She turned around, offering Clarke her best smile.

"No, no, I just forgot something," she excused weakly, but Clarke looked unconvinced.

"Did you sleep yet?" Clarke cut right to the chase, knowing exactly why Costia tried to run away like a coward. The dark circles under Costia's eyes were a very non-subtle hint.

"No, I did not," Costia challenged, straightening up, choosing a different tactic.

"Costia! You have to rest, and you have to see Lexa!" Clarke threw her hands in the air. She couldn't believe that she was pushing Costia to go see the girl she herself loved, but Clarke realized that by now Lexa knew Costia was alive and the longer Costia took to go see her, the more devastated Lexa would be, Clarke assumed.

"Clarke, I am still your Commander. Do not tell me what I need to do," Costia warned angrily and turned around, leaving Clarke huffing behind her.

Costia felt bad straight away, however, and came right back to stand by Clarke's side. She sighed.

"I'm going to look for Becca tomorrow, it might turn into a long, exhausting journey. So, I promise, I'll sleep tonight, mom," she groaned and turned around to resume her walk, except this time she left Clarke smirking behind her rather than huffing.

* * *

"Sit still, Commander, I can't find a vein if you keep fussing."

Costia never gave blood in her life. She'd witnessed other do it, but never partook. She currently found that she didn't care for it. Especially since **_Azgeda_** made her grow weary of sharp things that were being pointed at her. She had to look away and stiffen her entire body, preparing for what's to come.

"Between the mountain and **your** one hundred years' exodus in space you'd assume **someone** among the human race would find a better way to draw blood," she shook her head in disapproval.

"You are a warrior," Abby pointed out. "How many times have you been cut and injured and you can't handle needles?"

"Believe me, I am just as surprised as you are," Costia narrowed her eyes. She chose to blame Ontari for this. It would be just another item on a very long list of things she blamed Ontari for. "This, too, falls under our doctor-patient privileges," she uttered, completely serious.

"I won't say a word," Abby smiled, "about any of this." It wasn't the first time she encountered a problematic patient. She knew she'd just have to distract Costia so the young Commander won't pay attention.

"So you've never done this before?" she inquired nonchalantly. "Gave blood, I mean?"

"No. My mother really didn't want the doctors on the mountain to put their hands on me. It had the potential of raising too many questions," Costia explained, not realizing that Abby started drawing blood.

"Such as "why is your daughter's blood black?"" Abby chuckled.

"For starters," Costia snorted.

"I'm leaving for Arkadia right after we're done here," Abby notified. "I'm sorry I'm stealing your ambassador for a few days, but I figured you have Clarke here, you could spare Octavia for a bit as we figure out how to move lab equipment over here," she explained softly.

"You figured correctly, my only concern was that Octavia would feel disposable if I send her away this easily, but I've spoken to her last night," Costia shared. "She realized how important this is, she knows I need her to help oversee things."

Abby nodded, almost done with her task. "I'll return as soon as I can with Raven, then equipment will keep being sent here gradually. Once we're back in Arkadia I'll see if I can expedite things."

"Good, Abby, thank you. By the time you're back I hope I'll have some more helpful information," Costia told in determination, thinking about her awaiting quest of finding Becca. "Okay," Costia took a deep breath. "I'm ready. Do it."

"It's already done, Commander," Abby announced just as she pulled out the syringe and held it, full of black liquid, in front of Costia's face.

"How? When…?" Costia stared at her, dumbfounded.

"That's how you know I'm a good doctor," Abby allowed herself a little chuckle, "which is a good thing, because I'm your only doctor," she pointed out and Costia offered her a wide smile. "At least until we manage to execute that school plan of yours."

"But did you take enough?" Costia wanted to make sure.

"I took four test tubes," Abby raised her eyebrow. "You are much more easily distracted than you realize, Commander."

"I'll have to work on that," Costia tilted her head.

"On the Ark all the kids got candy after a blood test," Abby pointed out, "here," she handed Costia some candy.

Costia looked at her with childish glee on her face.

"I think I like going to the doctor after all," Costia admitted and shoved some candy into her mouth.

* * *

Costia was headed toward the temple. The blood draw earlier in the day left her a bit woozy and that was before she had to debrief her ambassadors. Not that she had much to say yet, but they wanted to be heard nonetheless. She gave Titus the day off. She knew the day before was hard on him, and that they kept clashing and he needed time to learn how to cope with the changes, but in his mind by giving him a day off she made it hard for him to fulfill his duties as **_Fosgona_**. She didn't care much, she preferred being without a tail either way.

But she had finally resolved to go to sleep, albeit she was going to use measures to make sure it was a dreamless sleep, and she knew the following day might be loaded and complex. She didn't want more baggage, she decided to speak to her **_Fleimkepa._**

" ** _Heda_**!" A familiar voice behind her called.

She rolled her eyes and turned around to find Indra coming toward her. **_"Ambassador,"_** she offered challengingly. Two could play that ridiculous title game.

She wanted to tell Indra that she'd known her since she was a child, since she came to Ton DC, since before she or even Lexa ascended. She wanted to tell Indra that Indra was part of the only family she had left. She wanted to tell Indra all of these things and add that this was more than enough of a reason for Indra to refer to her by her name. But she couldn't. She shouldn't. Not for Indra's sake and honor system. Not when her ascension was so new. She knew Indra wouldn't take it the same way as Nyko, Octavia, Clarke or even Abby did.

 _Maybe someday,_ she hoped.

 ** _"Can I walk with you?"_** Indra inquired softly.

 ** _"Of course."_** Costia knew it was Indra's way of spending time with her. She knew that for Indra, too, Costia was like family, like a last small piece of the family that she used to have.

They were walking side by side in comfortable silence for a while, hearing one person or another whisper or call " ** _Heda_** " once they noticed the two women come through.

Truth was that the two of them didn't really get a chance to talk in depths since Costia's initial arrival to Polis, and so much happened since. Costia could tell Indra was contemplating saying something, but Costia didn't push. She could enjoy the quiet a while longer, and if Indra decided to speak up, Costia would enjoy that, too, or at least partake in it.

 ** _"Do you ever think what would've happened if your mom made the choice to keep you on the mountain instead of sending you to your father?"_** Indra finally asked cautiously, surprising Costia whose initial shock quickly turned into a little smile.

 ** _"All the time,"_** she admitted sincerely.

 ** _"And?"_** Indra was wondering if this was all worth it for Costia. All the loss, all the heartbreak.

 ** _"And… everyone and everything I'd have known and would've mattered to me would still be dead and gone while I remained alive,"_** she noted, considering the loss of the mountain and its people, considering her radiation immuned body. **_"And I would've never met Aleks. So I'd still take this life, every single time."_**

 ** _"What if you could have taken that thing? That… City of Light chip?"_**

Costia knew what Indra was actually asking. She was asking what would have Costia done if she could stop the pain.

 ** _"Indra, if I died a thousand times, and she died a thousand times, I'd still never give up on experiencing us. I'd rather hurt for the rest of my life, knowing what I had was incredible,"_** she shared emotionally, the ache visible on her face, but there was something else, too, serenity. And that part, Indra knew, was Lexa.

 ** _"You two always thought I wanted an out. I never did,"_** Costia added with a bittersweet grin. She squeezed Indra's shoulder, letting her know that she was doing fine, that she'd be just fine, eventually. Indra looked up and saw that they arrived at the temple and she realized that for now, at least, they were done talking.

She squeezed Costia's shoulder right back, and allowed her Commander to go in in search of her **_Fosgona._**

* * *

She found him towering over a notebook, writing furiously, using his spare time to document the events of the last few days, she assumed.

 ** _"Fleimkepa,"_** she started quietly, making him jump.

She chuckled lightly and even though he seemed embarrassed at first, he surprised her with a tiny smile. She was happy to know she still had the ability to sneak up on people. The amount of times she nearly caused Lexa a heart attack when she climbed into her room when they were younger was endless.

" ** _Heda, what are you doing here? You seem exhausted, you need to rest,"_** he mentioned, not unkindly.

 _Him, too?_

 ** _"I came here to apologize, Titus,"_** she admitted and he looked at her dumbfounded, wondering if she was making a joke at his expense. He could tell she wasn't. **_"_** ** _I shouldn't have been so cruel to you yesterday,"_** she added genuinely.

 ** _"No, Heda, I misspoke,"_** he believed in his opinion on the matter, but one way or another, it wasn't his place to defy his Commander in front of others. He spent the morning doing some soul searching, knowing that even if these were hard times, there was room for improvement, **his** improvement.

Costia searched his eyes silently, choosing her words carefully.

 ** _"This can't be easy for you,"_** she offered, her voice impossibly sympathetic. He wasn't sure what specifically she was referring to but she quickly filled the blanks. **_"I know you feel the pain of what you've done every day. You always will."_** She didn't try to be harsh, saying the words hurt her, too, he saw. But she was accurate in her assumption.

 ** _"I deserve it,"_** he declared with conviction.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she agreed and his face fell. **_"We both do,"_** she added and looked away in agony.

He looked at her in confusion until she was finally ready to explain.

 ** _"I was her Fosgona,"_** she pointed out bitterly, **_"I promised her a long time ago I will never let anything happen to her. I failed her, too,"_** she admitted painfully. " ** _It was my job to keep her safe, to keep her alive, and I gave up,"_** her voice chocked as she admitted the notion out loud for the first time. **_"Nia told me about Klarke, to hurt me, and I gave up. Maybe I could've escaped sooner. After Leksa killed Nia Roan moved me, fed me, I got stronger, I told myself it wasn't enough but maybe I chose to stay there. I was jealous and heartbroken and instead of doing whatever I could to escape sooner, I lost hope. And if I were here to do my job, she might've not died. Or I might've died instead of her. And my brother would still be alive, too."_**

It was almost like he saw her for the first time. He always taught Lexa's love was a weakness, but now he was considering that Costia's admission was a show of strength.

They were both surprised when he put his hand on her shoulder. Their relationship was far from simple, but for a while, at least, they could use a little truce.

 ** _"I don't think any of what happened was your fault, Heda."_** He believed the words, but she didn't, and she couldn't handle the pity. Her guilt was one of the many reasons why she so stubbornly refused to sleep. A few comforting words from a haunted man couldn't convince her otherwise.

So she changed the subject. She came in to apologize, but there was something she needed from him, too.

 ** _"Your entire belief system is slowly being dismantled,"_** she observed. **_"You know that, don't you? You have to start admitting it to yourself. That can't be easy for you either, on top of everything."_**

 ** _"I try to find the parts I can still believe in_** ," he confessed and she knew he meant the Flame. He knew something was still in it. He knew Lexa was still in it. So he had to ask.

 ** _"Did you talk to Leksa yet?"_** He didn't know she didn't sleep for days, she just seemed exhausted but he didn't connect the dots and he was hopeful. Clarke didn't say much about her rendezvous with Lexa in the City of Light. He was hungry for every bit of information. He just wanted to know that his beloved deceased Commander found peace.

 ** _"No. Not yet,"_** she provided curtly and he understood it was a sensitive subject.

He didn't push. There was so much more that he wanted to know, but Costia was his Commander and he already crossed the line a handful of times since she got back and even after she ascended. He told himself that if she'd want to share with him, that'd be her choice. However, he was surprised because just like Clarke, he assumed talking to Lexa would've been the first thing Costia would do once she ascended. But the longer he thought about it, listening to her words about giving up, about being jealous, he realized this must be awfully painful for her.

 _The girl who was willing to die for Lexa,_ he thought, realizing there was a certain issue he hadn't addressed yet.

 ** _"You lost to her on purpose, didn't you? At your conclave?"_** he dared asking, surprising her, especially since he seemed quite at peace with his conclusion.

 ** _"I'd like to think that we both won by keeping each other alive,"_** she stated and sighed. **_"And if you're thinking maybe it was always meant to be me, you're wrong. You got the Commander you were always supposed to have. I wouldn't have been prepared to do then what I'm prepared to do now,"_** she admitted calmly. She felt no shame regarding her past and the Commandership, no regret.

 ** _"You never believed in any of our traditions,"_** he stated sadly.

 _And I was right not to,_ she thought.

She knew that what he was trying to say was that by not really trying to win the conclave, she violated something. But she just didn't agree. She did believe, however, at least during her first conclave, that the people needed someone who cared about the traditions.

 ** _"Like I said, the right person became the Commander that day,"_** she concluded matter-of-factly.

He nodded in agreement and he suddenly realized that he respected her more than ever. The notion snuck up on him, but the more he was learning about who Costia really was all these years, the more he knew that despite their many disagreements, she was strong, she was reliable. It gave him hope.

 ** _"You hid a lot of who you are and what you're capable of from me,"_** he noted in acceptance.

 ** _"I didn't need the things that you knowing would've given me,"_** she shrugged. **_"I just needed Aleks."_**

He was uncomfortable. In a way, she was a reminder of his failure. Even though she proved her strength in different ways, admitting that love wasn't a weakness wasn't something he accepted or was willing to do yet. Based on the way Costia spoke it was very clear she didn't care what he thought on the matter.

 ** _"I think that's enough emotional talk for today,"_** Costia sent him a tight smile.

They were still fundamentally different, but she came in to offer him compassion and respect, and he started to realize that she may have a lot to offer and that somehow, even with everything, she still welcomed his council, would still listen to his input, even if she won't follow through on it.

 _Yes,_ he thought as he watched her leave, _every day a new surprise._

The only thing that didn't change, he knew, was that where Costia was involved there was never a dull moment.

* * *

The day was finally over. She was headed to her quarters, two guards following her. She didn't know at which point of the day they attached themselves to her but she couldn't get away with walking around on her own forever. She was, after all, a public figure.

She knew she was moments away from entering her room and having some peace and quiet.

 _And thanks to Nyko, some dreamless sleep as well._

She was stubborn, but even she had to admit she had to rest. She was getting to the end of her rope and she wanted to be alert and energized for the following day. She had a feeling she had a long journey ahead of her. But just because she finally accepted that she needed to rest didn't mean she was willing to accept she'd be forced into the Flame. Once in, she may be in charge, but the choice **to** go in wouldn't be hers once she fell asleep, that much she knew.

So she just found a way to bypass the dreaming element and she hoped beyond hope it also meant not going into the Flame until she was ready.

Right before she reached her quarters Clarke showed up in front of her.

"Clarke," Costia greeted warmly. "I was just thinking about you earlier."

"You were? What about me?" Clarke asked in suspicion.

"I'm going to teach you to fight," Costia announced. "You're so strong on the inside, it's time your physical ability will reflect that."

"When will you have the time to do that?" Clarke raised her eyebrow in doubt. She wanted to learn for a while if she was being honest with herself, but something was always going on. Then again, she wasn't the one in charge anymore. As an advisor, she didn't represent anyone but herself.

"Every morning at dawn. I don't sleep, remember?" Costia chuckled.

But Clarke wasn't amused and she let Costia know that with a glare.

"I'm kidding, Clarke, I'm on my way now," she rolled her eyes. "Good night." She started walking but just as she reached the door Clarke spoke again.

"Commander?"

Costia turned around. "Yes, ambassador?"

"Look for the sacred symbol," Clarke provided. She knew what the following day had in store. She also knew finding Becca could turn into quite the task.

"I'll keep that in mind," Costia nodded gratefully. She didn't need to ask what Clarke meant.

* * *

Notes:

1\. Costia complaining about the blood test and the fact that the human race still doesn't have another way to draw blood is totally me. I'm a total baby and can't deal with blood tests. Did you know Google bought a patent that uses some other weird way to get blood samples? But the amount it can draw is so small, it might take a few more decades before it actually replaces the current system. Anyways, as you can see I'm very invested in this subject.

2\. Costia and her post blood test candy - it was nice to get to show a glimpse of the lighthearted Costia we knew before everything happened. She's still the same person, just with more layers of trauma and heartbreak.

3\. **_"I promised her a long time ago I will never let anything happen to her. I failed her, too."_** The promise Costia mentioned here from years ago was made in volume 1, chapter 2. They may have been young (7 years old) but Costia remembered promising that, and it's a promise she intended to keep their entire lives, so in that sense she really felt like she had failed Lexa. It's the one thing she felt like she had in common with Titus. I know some might not be happy that he's around, but I find a theological struggle, a crisis of faith, to be a fascinating thing. Not many people change their beliefs during their life time, especially not people who dedicated their lives to serve that believe system, so I did like checking in with him sometimes and see how he evolved.


	48. De Seken Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Costia was standing in her quarters, staring at her bed and biting her lip. She finally got an actual full night sleep and it didn't occur to her just how much she needed it until she woke up and felt like a whole new person. She escaped the Ice Nation and rode all night, she then slept through most of the following night and day in some random tavern room, but since then, nearly a week went by and it was the first time that she slept somewhere familiar, somewhere comforting.

She almost flopped herself on the couch the previous night, not able to deal with the thought of sleeping in that bed without Lexa, or even worse, sleeping in that bed knowing Lexa shared it with someone else, but it was closer once she left the washroom and after she took the powder Nyko gave her, and with the blood work that morning, she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer.

And when she woke up she was glad it happened, because for the first time since she rode into Polis with urgency, she finally felt like she was home.

She did know, however, that she made the right choice when she went to Nyko for a dreamless-sleep solution. If it wouldn't have been going into the Flame with no choice of her own, it would've been dreams about Lexa, or dreams about her time in **_Azgeda_**. Neither option seemed particularly appealing to the exhausted young Commander.

But now she had a responsibility and she knew stalling any longer would be selfish. So she stood there, staring at the bed, wondering what exactly to do. She felt a bit silly. She saw Lexa do it so many times. Leaning on the end of the bed, eyes closed, meditating.

How many times did Costia find her like that after Costia returned from a meeting with the guard? How many times did Costia start kissing her neck, challenging Lexa's will power, daring her to leave the dead people in her head and instead entertain herself with some physical pleasure with the living?

 _I guess I should just try the stupid thing,_ Costia thought and finally sat down at the same spot Lexa always occupied during meditation. _I'll recreate the conditions and hopefully the rest will follow._

She asked not to be disturbed for the entire day. If something of urgent nature came up, it was on Clarke and Titus to decide whether she was needed or not. Just like when someone came to see Lexa in the middle of the night and Costia was the last buffer, the one who decided whether her lover had to be disturbed, or could be granted a further peaceful slumber.

Clarke warned her again in the morning. The young Flamekeeper had the experience of hunting down Becca and that was in the City of Light, and with Raven's help. Clarke had no idea what to expect from the Flame.

Costia took a breath, shut her eyes and sat quietly, hands on her knees, hoping for something to happen and trying not to think about her itchy nose.

Nothing happened.

 _Maybe there are words I need to say?_

She couldn't even be upset with herself for not taking more interest when Lexa mediated because she **did** take interest. But things were different and she was the first one to deal with the Flame post City of Light.

 _Maybe I need to focus on someone in the Flame?_

She knew who she **didn't** want to focus on, so instead she thought it might be nice to see Waldron again. The man somehow knew she'd have a part to play. He told her death wasn't the end, he told her the Flame had a plan for her, too. He was right. Her death wasn't the end for her. If she didn't know any better, if she didn't know without a doubt that the Flame was a piece of technology, she may have had to re-consider her secular ways. Waldron words were so accurately prophetic that the memory made her shudder.

 _This is useless,_ she thought. She huffed in annoyance and opened her eyes, except she wasn't in her room anymore, though she logically knew that she was. Instead, she found herself sitting in a meadow full of flowers.

She gasped. It was so beautiful. It was like nothing she'd ever seen. She'd seen it in movies, but never in the real world. She was wondering if Lincoln ever seen such a thing on his travels. They had roads, and trees, and fields, but this one was different. It was untouched. The flowers grew, undisturbed.

"You asked for me?" a voice behind her startled her. Considering no one was there a minute ago she was surprised to turn around and find Waldron standing in front of her, a soft smile on his face.

 _He spoke to me in English,_ she realized.

"Is that what I did?" she offered him a sheepish grin.

He nodded. "You thought about me right before you entered the Flame," he explained.

"Yeah but I didn't actually think it would work," she looked at him in puzzlement.

"Well, it did," he offered playfully. "I'm surprised I'm the one you asked for, though," he added, now seeming somewhat concerned.

"Is this place really doing what I'm telling it to do or is it the other way around?" Costia looked around, very purposefully ignoring the man's last remark.

"A little bit of both," he clarified. "But the bottom line is that you're safe here."

The more he spoke, the more Costia realized hearing him speak English was extremely weird and foreign.

"How have you been?" she inquired, mentally kicking herself for the silly question. Small talk always felt like a safe bet in weird social situations but this was a whole other level.

"Dead, you?" he noted casually and she looked at him, not sure how to react.

"Same, apparently," she finally offered. They stared at each other quietly for a few more moments until eventually they both burst into laughter.

"Why are you here, Costia?" he asked when their laughter died down.

"You don't know?" she was surprised. She just assumed they all knew what was going through her head at all times.

"Well, I thought you were here to see Lexa, yet you very unsubtly changed the subject earlier, I…"

"I'm here to find Becca," she explained, changing the subject quickly again.

"You are here for the First Commander," he repeated matter-of-factly, seeming contemplative.

"Yes," she confirmed calmly, "do you know where I can find her?"

"I don't," he confessed. "I never met her."

"You…" Costia shook her head, "you never met her?"

"It felt like a bit much," he admitted.

"I assumed the first thing any of you would do would be to look for her," Costia scoffed.

"Well, I assumed the first thing you would do would be to look for Lexa so I guess we are both full of surprises, **_Heda,_** " he challenged and she knew she may have touched a nerve.

"I'm sorry, Commander," she apologized.

"Oh, **you're** the Commander. I think it's time you call me Waldron."

She snorted. His words mirrored so many of the conversations she had in the last few days.

Just as she was about to speak she heard galloping. When she turned around she saw two horses coming their way. Costia watched them as the animals approached and stopped next to her and the deceased Commander.

"Hey there," she said, caressing the back of one of them.

She looked at the saddle and saw that it was branded.

"The sacred symbol," she blurted, remembering Clarke's words, knowing that it was her way to Becca.

"I can't go the entire way with you, I… I'm not ready," Waldron admitted. "But if you'd like some company, I'd be happy to escort you for some of the way. But are you sure you wouldn't rather calling Le…"

"Company would be great, Commander," she chirped and hopped on the horse. "I have a feeling this will take a while. Whatever "a while" means here. So we better get going."

"As you wish," he sighed and climbed on the other horse. He couldn't be upset with her. Not when her stubbornness reminded him so very much of one other resident of the Flame.

* * *

"A mountain? Really? There's a mountain?" Costia whined. She had no idea how long she's been in the Flame already. First they rode through the meadow, then there was an endless forest which was beautiful and peaceful but lasted forever, and now there was a mountain.

The horses stopped when they reached the beginning of the climbing trail.

"I guess that's as far as they'll take you," Waldron stated the obvious, "which means it's better if I depart here as well."

"You're going to let me climb the mountain all by myself, Commander?" Costia challenged the man.

She wasn't scared. She knew that the horses' appearance meant that she was supposed to find Becca eventually, but travelling alone for god knows how long didn't seem very appealing. It already felt like hours and she was just hoping that back in the real world it wasn't actually hours.

She was wondering how long before sunset, and if the concept of night and day even existed in the Flame.

"I'm sorry Costia, but if our form of transportation is not going any further, neither am I," he apologized sincerely.

"You really don't want to see her, do you?" she had to ask, she was worried. He was a smart man yet even here, where he was meant to have no doubts or worries, something blocked him.

"I **do** want to see her," he tried to explain. "I'm curious, I have questions. But I know better now. I know everything I ever believed in…" he sighed.

"It's okay," she squeezed his arm. "I understand."

"Things are changing, Costia. It's good that you are in charge," he tried to convey something but she wasn't sure what it was. "You always knew better," he added in shame.

"Don't," she stopped him. "Don't say it like that. Like I was smarter. Like you're disappointed in yourself for believing. My suspicions weren't due to me being some genius," she scoffed. "I was just exposed to more information. And maybe things aren't the way they seemed, and maybe you think that some fundamental idea betrayed you, but there was no reason for you to ever think otherwise. And you were a wonderful leader to your people."

"Thank you for saying that," he smiled sadly, "and I hope you are right. But there's no doubt that with all the new revelations you are what the people need right now. And I'm not the only one who thinks that," he added cautiously, "there's a girl here who's been waiting to see you for a while, and she thinks that you **are** a genius."

"How is she?" Costia dared to ask hesitantly.

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" he scolded and Costia looked away in shame. "She found peace here, but she was always worried about the outside world," he noted. "And then after the City of Light she was a little happier."

 _Clarke,_ Costia thought and tried to push the pain of that thought away.

"But she was still worried about what will become of everything without a Commander. Then you took the Flame and she… she's been completely different ever since," he admitted.

"Different how?" Costia inquired in worry.

"You'll have to wait and see," he concluded sternly. He was done being her middleman.

She nodded, respecting his decision, and got off her horse.

"Take care, Commander," she offered him kindly.

"You, too, Commander," he replied, "I'll check in with you every now and then, see how saving the world is going."

She offered him one last smile and watched him leave on his horse, her own abandoned one in tow.

She turned around to scan the trail, wondering if she was really supposed to go up. But then she noticed the sacred symbol marking one of the stones and she knew she was on the right track.

* * *

"How long has it been?"

Clarke looked up and saw that Titus joined her in the room. He was so quiet and she was so focused on the Commander seated on the floor that she didn't even hear him come in.

"I don't know," Clarke admitted. "I found her like this this morning, then I left for hours and came back a few minutes ago and it doesn't seem like she moved an inch."

It was early afternoon and Clarke wanted to make sure Costia was okay. She had to admit that finding Costia in that spot that morning made her heart ache a bit. She recalled finding Lexa in that exact position right after Lexa announced the kill order. But Clarke had to accept that Costia had a deep connection to Lexa and Clarke realized that sitting there probably seemed like the natural choice to Costia when the Commander went on her journey. Costia, too, probably found Lexa like that, many times, Clarke concluded.

"I hope she's alright," Titus said in genuine concern, "and safe." He didn't know what his young Commander had to face inside the Flame.

"She is," Clarke commented with certainty.

"How can you be so sure?" he questioned. He was struggling with his own faith these days yet here was the young sky girl, an advisor, a Flamekeeper and apparently their savior from the City of Light, and she, somehow, was full of faith.

Clarke locked eyes with him and finally spoke. "Lexa is in there."

* * *

She couldn't believe she actually climbed a whole mountain, got down on the other side, and the sun was still up.

She was breathing heavily.

 _Sophisticated AI can create paradise-like views, can create an eternal day, but can't prevent me from sweating,_ Costia groaned.

A moment later it was as if a voice whispered in her ear the reasoning behind it – the point was to make physical human activity feel real, all physical human activity.

She looked ahead and saw a cave. She rolled her eyes in annoyance when she noticed the sacred symbol above the entrance to the cave.

"A meadow, a forest, a mountain, and now a cave. What else do you have in store for me?" she voiced to no one in particular.

She was hoping to find Becca on the top of that mountain but since that didn't happen, she didn't have high hopes for the cave. She noticed that the one thing that didn't occur, physically, was general exhaustion. The climb caused an immediate physical reaction, but now that her breath stabilized she noticed she didn't feel taxed at all. Her head hurt, however, as if her body was resting completely while her brain worked more than usual.

She braced herself and walked into the cave, already seeing the light at the end, but there was something more. She felt a breeze and heard a sound. It took her a couple of minutes to realize that for the first time ever, she heard waves.

It made her run the remaining of the way to the exit and when she finally got out of the cave her breath caught in her throat.

She found herself staring at an ocean. She looked around and spotted a little cabin on a cliff, watching over the water. But something in the back of her head made her turn around. She realized she was at a crossroad. On the left there was the cabin, and the cliff and the beautiful view of the ocean, on the right there was a desert. She thought she saw something in the distance.

 _I wish I had mom's, or rather, Lexa's binoculars with me right now,_ she thought and realized a moment later that she was holding the very same object she was wishing for. She didn't stop to question it. She just brought it to her eyes and looked ahead, finding that indeed, there **was** something in the distance.

Amidst the yellow desert sand she spotted what seemed like the ruins of a space ship. On its side, unmistakably, the sacred symbol was painted.

 _Of course,_ Costia groaned. _If the options are going to a cabin on a cliff watching over a beautiful view or going into a desert, of course Becca will make me go into the desert._

She huffed and started descending toward her destination. The desert patch simply started sharply once she got to the ground level. She started crossing it. She had no idea for how long she was walking. The binoculars were gone. She didn't need them. The space ship kept getting closer and closer.

 _This is it,_ she knew. She had no doubt that was the end of her journey.

When she reached the ruins there was a valve that she had to turn. It wasn't hard, it didn't seem rusty.

She walked in to see what looked like the totally operational inside of a space station. It reminded her a lot of certain places on the mountain, but she assumed what it really was was an exact envisioned replica of what she now knew was Polaris.

"Commander," a voice called from deeper in the room, making Costia's eyes snap in its direction.

"You're Becca," Costia stated without a hint of hesitation.

"And you are Costia," Becca offered her a soft smile.

"You knew who I was before I even took the Flame didn't you?" Costia inquired cautiously. She didn't need to ask how Becca knew.

"I did," Becca confirmed.

"We need to talk," Costia cut to the chase. She had no idea how long she's already been in the Flame but she sure didn't want to waste more time.

Becca seemed unfazed. Like she was expecting Costia, like she knew exactly what it was they needed to talk about. Based on what Clarke told Costia, Becca indeed knew.

"I sensed we had a new Commander, finally," Becca started saying. "At first I didn't think you would look for me. Most of them don't. Then she told me that I have no idea who I was dealing with. She was right, of course, she knows you better than anyone."

"You make it really hard to find you," Costia pointed out, choosing to ignore the mention of the oh-so-mysterious "she."

"They don't all want to meet me, so I make sure they don't accidentally bump into me," Becca explained.

"Why don't they want to see you? Aren't they curious?" Costia was dumbfounded. Waldron was one thing, he wasn't there for that long, relatively speaking, but those who have been in the flame for decades?

"They think I'm a god," Becca smiled sadly. "They are too afraid of ruining that notion. Most of them, anyway."

"Not all, then."

"No. The really curious ones, the really smart ones, the really brave ones? They want answers."

"And how many of those are there?"

"Only one so far, aside from you. I think you know this," Becca provided.

Of course Costia did. It was Lexa. The fact that Lexa actually sought Becca out may have saved them all when the AIs were merged. If Lexa hadn't found Clarke things could've ended very differently.

"You say you make sure the others don't bump into you, but can't they just… I don't know, appear here? Like teleportation or whatever it's called when you're inside an AI."

Becca looked thoughtful for a moment. Costia realized she was trying to figure out how to explain a certain concept.

"Each of them who gets here creates their own little piece of heaven, so to speak," she explained and Costia realized that the meadow, the forest, the cave, were all someone's thoughts come to life. "Most stick to their own little corner," Becca added, "but in order to just appear somewhere, they need to know where that somewhere is. I like being remote. It means that they don't find me unless they really want to," she concluded.

Costia nodded. "This place, the Flame, is like a data base, isn't it? Once a Commander dies all of their memories, everything is saved on this… thing," Costia gestured at all the computer screens. "That's how you knew who I was before I even got here. You have all of Lexa's memories."

"Yes, that's correct," Becca confirmed. "It all becomes part of the mainframe. I'm glad you are alive. We were very concerned after the City of Light, me and Lexa. But then we sensed you and Lexa was… Did you see her yet? She must've been thrilled."

Costia was groaning internally. Even the First Commander was asking her that question. She didn't respond which was all the answer Becca needed.

"You didn't," she stated rather than asked. "Costia, you need to see her."

"I'm not here to talk about Alex," Costia warned. It was bad enough knowing that the woman in front of her was probably privy to some of the most intimate moments of Costia's life through Lexa memories.

"Then why are you here? And **how** are you alive?"

"Don't you know?" Costia asked in surprise. Waldron may have not known everything, but Becca seemed like she lived in what was essentially the operation room of the Flame.

"I don't," Becca admitted.

"Well, that's comforting," she didn't like the idea of someone floating in her head, randomly peeking through her thoughts and memories. "I assumed you'll have access to all this information, you know, now that you are merged with my brain and whatnot?"

"Just because you carry the Flame doesn't mean I have a free pass to all your thoughts and wants," Becca smiled softly.

 _Good,_ Costia thought. That meant Lexa didn't know everything that was going through Costia's brain, either, and that was very important.

"I designed ALIE 2 to take her lead from the human host," Becca continued her explanation. "It can sharpen your senses, put things in perspective, but the control is yours. If you ask for information from the Flame, even if subconsciously, you will receive it, but as long as you're alive, we in here will only know what you want us to know. Once you die, though, the merge will be final. Now it's more of a give and take. But as you probably realized by now, the Flame is still a living thing. It keeps evolving even when it's not connected to a human host because it learns from the experiences of the Commanders who become a part of it. It is capable of sustaining itself."

"And you are still the woman behind it all," Costia noted, looking at the room around her.

"You can say so, yes. I can manually adjust the code from the inside. I have my limitations, but there was never any need for anything extreme before."

 _Oh, just you wait,_ Costia thought.

"I see you, I talk to you, you have your own memories and the memories of everything that happened to you here inside the Flame. You seem to operate independently within this thing…"

Becca smiled. She knew where this was headed. "It's okay, Costia, ask your question. I told you, I like the curious ones."

"Are you real?" It felt stupid to Costia to ask it while she herself was standing right in front of Becca. But what was "real?" What was a person? What was a person's soul? Were memories the cornerstone of one's soul? Or was Becca, Waldron, and even Lexa, wherever she was, just a technological version of the people they once were?

"Don't I seem real to you?" Becca allowed herself a small smirk.

"Your AI might've gotten to know its host so well over the years that maybe it created like… an imprint of your minds," Costia countered. She didn't want it to be true. She wanted to know that the Lexa inside the Flame was her Lexa.

"I guess we need to define what makes something real," Becca tilted her head, contemplating Costia's point.

"Do you really want to start a theological debate about consciousness and what it means to be human?" Costia looked at her in doubt. It's not like she didn't think those very things only moments before, but discussing them with the First Commander, possibly poking holes in the reality of it all, wasn't something Costia wanted to do. Neither, it seemed, did Becca.

"We can," she offered calmly, "but we have more pressing matters to discuss, don't we?"

"We do," Costia agreed. "Let's start with how am I even here? The Flame never had a visual form, did it?"

"Well, for us, in here, this is not new. What's new is your ability to get here in a manner that resembles what was happening with the City of Light," Becca clarified. "ALIE 1 was connected to the world in a way the Flame wasn't. When the AIs merged there was a two sided exchange of information. I had to take what I could, the knowledge about what happened all around the world in the last one hundred years, some of the general code, to adjust the mainframe, allow this visual existence. In a way, you can say the Flame was upgraded, too. Like I said, the Flame is a living thing. Things change in here even when the Flame isn't connected to a human host. We don't really have time here, we don't have the need of sleep, for example, but we do have a life, in a way."

 _So maybe she can't give me updates because she isn't connected to the world anymore, but she can still simulate because she has recent information form when the AIs merged,_ Costia was relieved to realize.

"What do we do, Becca?" Costia finally asked the question for which she embarked on her long journey. "How do we stop this?"

"We don't stop this, Commander," Becca stated sadly, "I think you already know that. We survive this."

"How?" At some point Costia entertained traveling and putting out the fires in the plants, but that was not possible nor was it going to solve the radiation process that was already undergoing.

"The easiest way would be to use the bunkers that are still in existence," Becca pointed out. "I can give you a list of those that are still out there. You re-stock, you inhabit them until it's safe."

"I'm not sure they could inhabit all of our people either way, but even if they could, then what? Split the clans? Split families?" Costia shook her head in objection. "I will not confine our people to spend the next few generations in lock down. The mountain people were confined to the mountain for more than a hundred years, eventually some lost their minds, their humanity. The sky people had to resort to the same sort of population reduction ALIE 1 was fond of when they were in space. We can't do that," she added with finality.

Becca had more ideas, but she saw the young Commander was working through some thoughts, so she gave her the time to voice them.

"ALIE said that in six months, now less, ninety-six percent of the world will be inhabitable," Costia started again. "That leaves four percent."

"It does," Becca agreed. She knew this would come up and it pained her to know she was about to deliver more bad news.

"Those four percent, where are they?" Costia inquired, hopeful.

"Areas that have been harmed by nuclear disasters long before ALIE," Becca replied in sorrow.

"Hiroshima and Nagasaki?" Costia guessed. She grew up on the mountain, she read books long after she left, she knew about the major events in the history of the human race.

"Yes," Becca confirmed. She may have not expected that guess from any other Commander, but she wasn't surprised Costia knew. "These areas and their surroundings had years to gradually develop some sort of resistance. The local climate was affected, evolved into something that can handle the effects, like air pockets, if it makes sense, a safety bubble. But not just these two cities," Becca added.

"Where else?" Costia asked in surprise.

"Chernobyl."

"Chernobyl?" Costia was puzzled.

"It used to be part of the USSR and later Ukraine," Becca provided. "There was a smaller scale nuclear disaster there. Back in 1986. The surrounding areas were harmed by radiation. Villages that weren't in the immediate danger zone were exposed to smaller amounts of radiation over the years without even realizing it, developing similar resistance to that of Nagasaki and Hiroshima," Becca explained.

Costia was wondering why she never heard about Chernobyl. Maybe they never mentioned it on the mountain because it was long forgotten and on a smaller scale compared to Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

 _The mountain,_ her eyes widened as something clicked.

"That's why my mother and I…"

"Your ancestors are from Russia, or somewhere nearby, that would be my guess as well," Becca confirmed, as the years long mystery of why a mountain girl and her mother were the only ones immune to radiation was solved at the most unexpected circumstances.

Costia shook her head. She would've loved to take a moment and appreciate acquiring a huge puzzle piece in what was her own family's history, but she couldn't. Not at that moment. She tried to sort her thoughts so she could go back to their current predicament.

"So Japan and Russia are our only choices? That's not a choice at all," Costia laughed bitterly. "We will never find a way to relocate everyone to there in six months."

"I agree."

"So what are we left with? Gene therapy?" It was no surprise. After All Costia already started taking steps in that direction but she was hoping beyond hope Becca would have a better solution.

"I believe so."

"Is… is the Nightblood…?"

"Part of the factors I took into consideration when I synthesized it was immunity to radiation, but the radiation you are about to encounter might be too strong," Becca admitted in remorse.

"But maybe the Nightblood immunity to radiation was enhanced over the last few generations on the ground?" Costia proposed, hopeful.

"Maybe, but again, I don't know if it'd be enough. And it took me two years of injections until my blood turned. Maybe some sort of a combination between tbe Nightblood and the blood of the sky people could help us create something new and improved," Becca suggested. "Or combine it with the blood of the people from the clans. I'm going to run a few simulations. One to see if it's possible to speed the process of the Nightblood injections, and the other to see if involving regular blood of the sky people or the clans' blood to create a new type, super type, would help. But it'll take time, Costia."

"But then what? Everyone will become a Nightblood?" Costia voiced the other concern she had on her mind ever since she even considered the Nightblood as a solution. "It'll be a political chaos."

"One problem at a time, Commander," Becca noted sympathetically. She knew Costia was the one who actually had to deal with it all.

"Becca…" Costia started in worry. There were even more things to consider.

"I know," Becca nodded in understanding. "If the Nightblood itself doesn't work and we create a new type of blood we have to make sure the Flame is compatible with it."

"Otherwise I'll get injected and my body will reject the Flame. And listen, I was dead once, I don't want to do it again," Costia scoffed. "Not to mention you might never have a human host, ever again."

"Give me time, Costia. I'll figure it out. And you need to consider injecting someone else first," Becca pointed out cautiously.

"And sending them to one of the burning plants here in North America?" Costia thought she understood what Becca was getting at.

"Exactly. As soon as possible. Send someone to where the radiation levels are at their highest, check their radiation levels when they get back. That's the only way we'll know if it works."

"It can be a suicide mission," Costia pointed out.

"It can," Becca agreed, knowing that this was another tough decision Costia had to make.

"Okay, then. I'll give you time. But since the concept of time doesn't exist here and since you said you don't sleep anyway, work tirelessly, will you?"

"I will," Becca promised. "And, Commander? What of the rest of the world's population?" she asked cautiously.

"You know with certainty that there **is** other world population?" Costia inquired and Becca saw the pain in her eyes. She knew then what Costia's answer would be.

"Yes." She confirmed. "There are other people out there based on the information I got from ALIE."

Costia nodded and looked away. Her face was expressionless, but Becca knew. "I have thirteen clans to worry about. I can't worry about the rest of the world," Costia finally stated coldly.

"Alright," Becca agreed. She recognized the shame deep down in Costia's eyes, she understood it. She carried the burden of the deaths of billions of people on her shoulders. Seeing a young woman having to make that choice was the last in many smaller events that were all the outcome of Becca's own actions from ages and ages ago. "I'll let you know when I'm done running the simulation."

Costia nodded and Becca was sure that Costia would turn and leave, but she remained stationary.

 _There's something else,_ Becca realized. _But what?_

She couldn't read Costia's mind, but so far most of their conversation was predictable. It was easy for her to guess how it would go. But whatever it was Costia was thinking now, Becca couldn't figure it out.

"What is it, Costia?" Becca asked gently. She was intrigued. She knew much about Costia from Lexa's memories, and she heard much more input from Lexa herself.

"She always had the most amazing ideas at the most unpredictable times," Lexa told her once.

Becca was wondering if she was seeing one of those moments unfolding right in front of her very eyes.

"You said I'm in charge, right?" Costia started. "That you only know what I want you to know?"

"Yes, that's right," Becca confirmed, scanning Costia's face suspiciously.

"Lexa, too?" Costia inquired hesitantly as if the mere mention of Lexa's name would reveal to her dead lover all of her thoughts.

"All of us," Becca reaffirmed.

Costia took a deep breath, giving herself one last chance to back out of the decision she made weeks ago, but not letting herself be afraid.

"You are a scientist. Scientists like challenges, right?" She asked, but never expected an answer. "I have a challenge for you."

* * *

She walked out of the space ship, closing the door behind her, feeling rather silly.

 _Can't I just… wake up?_ She stared at the shut door of the room she left behind. She felt unfinished.

"I knew it was true, I mean I could feel it, but I still couldn't believe it," a shuddering voice said from behind her. She froze, the hairs on her arms and neck stood.

Costia slowly turned around and there she was. Standing right in front of her, barefoot and in a simple, cream-colored frock, was her second half.

Costia's breathe hitched as she took her in. Lexa wasn't smiling, but her eyes were clearly glassy. She seemed mesmerized, as if she was staring at the impossible. She was.

"Alexandra…" Costia breathed out, her face contorting in pain as the silent tears started to come down.

She tried to avoid her, she wasn't ready to see her, but now that the love of her life was standing right in front of her she couldn't look away, she couldn't not be happy. She thought she'd never see her again, yet there she was.

She didn't know what to say. Neither of them was closing the gap between them. There was so much **to** say, there was so much that they've lost.

"How did you know I was here?" Costia finally forced herself to ask.

Lexa didn't answer right away. Costia saw the trails Lexa's tears left on her cheeks and she was amazed that even in a place such as this, inside of something artificial, they could cry.

Lexa took a small, hesitant step toward Costia. Just the one. "When you love someone so deeply and so completely, you know how it feels when the air shifts when they enter the room," Lexa took a deep breath. "I guess this whole place qualifies as my room," she finished with a tentative smile.

Costia nodded. She found herself at a loss of words once more. She really wasn't prepared. She assumed that when the unavoidable moment finally came, she'd actually come up with a game plan ahead of time and consider what to say.

Lexa took another tiny step toward her. "Were you actually going to leave without seeing me?" she finally addressed the obvious. It was clear that she was hurt. She didn't even know how long it's actually been since Costia took the Flame, but it felt like she's been waiting for her to show up forever.

"I was going to come back, just for you," Costia vowed, the guilt that she already felt and pushed away came back in a tenfold.

"You haven't slept in days, have you?" Lexa guessed in worry but it was also a cautious argument. At first she wasn't sure, but then she went to see Becca right after the ascension and a few times since and Becca confirmed it. It has been too long of a time for Costia to not show up. She figured it was intentional. She couldn't be sure, but she suspected and Costia just confirmed it.

"I've been busy," Costia brushed off and looked away, not wanting to face what she saw in Lexa's eyes.

"No, you didn't want to see me. Why?" Lexa demanded miserably, daring to take yet another step closer.

She stood in front of the girl she loved her whole life, even after that girl was presumed dead. That love was never gone. All she wanted was to close the gap between them completely and take Costia in her arms, but she could feel that painful hesitation that was coming from Costia.

Costia forced herself to look up. Everything that happened ever since she left **_Azgeda,_** everything that she'd done, she did for Lexa. To honor Lexa. So she couldn't stand seeing how much pain she was causing the woman who was the driving force of her entire life. She knew she had to tell her.

"I know you didn't know I was alive," Costia started and her breath became erratic, "but still, you went and fell in love with someone else. You've **been** with someone else." She wasn't exactly mad, she was, however, completely heartbroken, she was devastated. And for days she pushed that devastation down, she spent time with Clarke, but she couldn't hide from that pain anymore. She never thought she'd have to stand in front of Lexa and discuss a third person who was between them.

"I've been with a few people," Lexa admitted sadly. She didn't want to keep anything from Costia, even though she knew that every word she said on the matter was smashing Costia's heart.

"Yes, but only one of those people mattered. It's okay, I guess," Costia shrugged, trying to sound casual about the whole thing. "I couldn't have expected you to wait forever," she looked away again. She knew that Lexa could see right through her, she didn't want Lexa's pity. It was the last thing she wanted.

"This wasn't about waiting," Lexa took another step closer. "If I knew you were alive, I **would** have been waiting forever if I had to," she admitted, hoping beyond hope that Costia would remember they exchanged these words before.

Costia looked up at her in amazement because she **did** remember. When they were fourteen, when they thought they could never be together, Costia said that to Lexa. She couldn't say "I love you," so she said that, and she meant it, and she could tell Lexa meant it now, too.

Lexa didn't wait for a response. She took another step toward Costia and kept going. "Everything I did, I did because I thought you were gone. Everything I **didn't** do…" _like trying to save you,_ she thought in devastation, "I didn't do because I thought you were dead. Had I known you were alive I would have raised hell to get you back," she pleaded, hoping beyond hope Costia would believe her.

Costia didn't say anything. She was clearly overwhelmed by everything.

 _And then what?_ Costia thought. _You would have dragged eleven clans into a senseless war?_

"How are you even here? They sent your head to my bed," Lexa's voice finally broke. It was clear she was reliving the moment. "I remember seeing this mutilated thing and thinking what have they done to your beautiful face," she hugged herself, she was afraid that if she didn't she may fall apart.

"Alex," Costia tried softly, feeling incredibly ashamed now for not coming sooner, "I think you realized by now that it wasn't me, I'm right here," she finally took a step closer herself, not all the way, but offering Lexa something. "And I'm so, so sorry. I should've come sooner. In fact, I should've fought harder to escape," now that she finally spoke she couldn't seem to stop. All the guilt, all the years of longing for her lover, all the pain at knowing that Lexa found someone else, came to the surface. "It was my job to keep you safe. If I were where I was meant to be you never would've…"

But she couldn't finish the sentence. All of a sudden Lexa's lips were on hers. She froze again, but only for a millisecond, because almost immediately Lexa's hand was on her hip while the other was on the small of her back, bringing her closer, making her melt completely into the sensation, the familiar bliss she dreamed of for years. Any thoughts of objections vanished completely. **This** was actual home. In the middle of a fake desert, inside on an AI, in the arms of the girl who never stopped being her entire world, she was home.

 _I don't care if this isn't real,_ she thought in a haze, allowing herself to kiss the woman she never thought she'd see again. She could feel it from Lexa's end, too, the desperation. Quick, and hungry, and full of emotion, it was a "we're both supposed to be dead but we aren't, not exactly, and you are the love of my life and I thought I'd never see you again and now the only reason I do see you is because I'm in your head" kind of kiss.

She moved just a little, so she could adjust her posture, but Lexa didn't let her, she locked her in place, moving her hands up to cup Costia's face. Nothing felt like enough.

Finally, Lexa broke the kiss, backing just a little bit so she could examine Costia's face which she was still cupping. Costia didn't even know how to describe the look on Lexa's face. Whatever it was, she assumed she was mirroring it. Wonder, awe, disbelief. There was fear of letting go, too. As if the moment was fleeting. She thought Lexa may never let her go, ever again.

"Why did you do all of this?" Lexa asked suddenly, not moving an inch. "You came back, and you fought, and you won. And now you're the Commander. You never wanted any of this," Lexa sighed. She felt guilty for dying. She remembered accepting it as it was happening, but now she felt like she should've been more careful.

 _I feel bad for dying, she feels bad for not coming back sooner. We're two of a kind._

"I promised you I would," Costia stated simply, offering her a sad smile. "This was always the contingency plan, right? **Your** contingency plan."

Lexa chuckled. She didn't know how else to react and her instincts kicked in. The girl in front of her, her love, came back from the dead to make sure she did what Lexa wanted her to do. It was too much. Costia, as always, was too much.

"Oh, Cos, there's no one like you in the world," Lexa vowed and leaned in to kiss her once more, sweetly, this time. "I want to feel you everywhere," she blurted through a shallow breath. Her eyes were shut, she was absorbing the moment. She bit her lip, feeling no shame at letting Costia know just how much she wanted her.

"I need to go, Alex," Costia reminded regretfully and Lexa opened her eyes to look at her.

"I know."

Costia looked around, seeing the cliff far away in the distance, remembering that she spotted a cabin there earlier.

"The cabin on the cliff, is it yours?" she inquired.

"It is," Lexa confirmed with a soft smile.

"I've been here for I don't know how long and I'm still not sure how exactly this place works," Costia admitted sheepishly, remembering Becca mentioning that each of the deceased commanders created their own little corner.

"Science," Lexa teased, understanding for the first time in their lives a technological concept better than Costia did. Costia gave her a wide smile. Lexa's expression got serious suddenly. "I'm really sorry about the mountain, Cos." Her lover gave up on her home long ago, but it was one thing knowing you'd never see a place again and another thing knowing that place didn't exist any longer.

"Are you sorry that it's gone or are you sorry that you almost took part in wiping out everyone in it?" Costia inquired, caressing Lexa's cheek to let her know she wasn't mad, that she understood that it wasn't Lexa's fault.

"Both," Lexa admitted in shame and looked away. " **And** for leaving **_skaikru_** there to fend for themselves."

"It was a shitty situation all around, huh?" Costia chuckled, forcing Lexa's eyes back at her. She was rewarded with a soft, sweet smile.

"It was. But on a brighter note, I guess you were right all along about there being people in the sky," Lexa smirked.

Costia snorted. "I guess I was."

She missed it. Their playfulness, their teasing. Were they actually bantering, and flirting, and kissing inside of a little blue-ish rectangle? It blew her mind.

"You are the smartest person I know," Lexa offered lovingly, making Costia roll her eyes.

"Alex, I have these ideas because I grew up in a place that led me to believe it was fathomable," Costia shook her head playfully. "You? You are receptive to them. That's way harder."

"That's why we were always such a great pair," Lexa pointed out.

"The sex wasn't too bad, either," Costia quirked an eyebrow. Lexa smiled at her so widely Costia thought her face might split. "I need to go, Alex. I don't know how long I've been in here already. They are waiting for me. Clarke..."

 _Is waiting for me._

Lexa nodded and took a step back. Costia realized the mention of Clarke made Lexa back away. Costia just wasn't sure if it was because Lexa was worried about Costia's feelings, or feeling guilty, or missing Clarke, or a combination of all three. But while Costia's body still felt no fatigue even after all her journeys, her soul needed a break. She wasn't prepared for this reunion anyway. She was very happy that it happened, nonetheless, but she had work to do. The work **Lexa** wanted her to do.

Costia knew she just had to will herself awake now, imagine waking up, and up she'll be. Just as she was about to, Lexa spoke again.

"You are my second half, Costia," she told sincerely. Her eyes seemed desperate, but also full of love. Costia knew what Lexa was trying to say. Especially since Costia just mentioned Clarke.

"I'll be back," Costia offered reassuringly. She saw the doubt on Lexa's face and it broke her heart. Like Lexa wasn't sure she meant it. "I promise you. I'll be back before you know it." Her lover seemed relieved. Costia never broke her promises.

"I always miss you when I'm not with you," Lexa reminded. They used to say that to each other, too.

Costia saw the hopeful expression on Lexa's face. Hopeful that Costia remembered, worried that she didn't. But Lexa didn't need to worry. Costia didn't forget a single thing. She never did.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "How have you been?" "Dead, you?" This is a little nod to my all time favorite show, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer._ Do the fans among you know which episode and characters I have in mind?

2\. Clarke finding Costia meditating on the floor, reminding her of Lexa is a callback to Episode 3X07.

3\. Costia meeting Becca is something I'm actually quite proud of and of course I'll tell you why. The gist of this meeting was written a **while** before the season 3 finale aired. I remember thinking that everyone knew Lexa would return in the season finale, and everyone knew the setting was the City of Light, which made it clear to me that one way or another, the Flame would be connected to the City of Light. However, somehow no one talked about the fact that if that was the case, Becca would be in there, too. I had a feeling, and I was hoping beyond hope, that we'll see Becca and ALIE meet. That thought fascinated me but I knew that either way, it meant that even if it didn't happen in canon, **I** wanted to show Becca, to let Costia meet her, use her help. And then it happened in canon a while after I wrote it. Sometimes things just align.

4\. "Are you real?" Costia asked a very important question that I thought about often after we kept hearing that Lexa was in the Flame. Is it actually her? If it's her, it means it's her essence, but the Flame is a piece of technology, not something magical, so how does that affect the whole thing? Clarke saw Lexa in the City of Light and chose to believe it was actually Lexa. So the answer is – there is no answer. Becca feels real to herself, Becca would be devastated to learn that she's not real. Her feelings are sure real. The choice is hers, and she chooses to believe that she's real and Costia chooses to believe that Lexa is real.

5\. Chernobyl – early on, when I started working on the story, I was trying to understand, for myself, why were the mother and daughter immune to the radiation. I made Costia of Russian decent. Some of you might remember from early in volume 1 (the prologue, actually,) that her last name is Romanoff (which, knowing just how kick-ass she was going to be, I chose because I liked toying with the idea that she's related to Black Widow.) Soon I realized it'd be cool to consider that her family spent a few generations next to low exposure to radiation that over the years and generations made them immune. I never thought I'd have a chance to mention it in the story, it was really just for me and for having that background, and then the season 3 finale happened, and they mentioned that 96% of the Earth won't be habitable, leaving another 4%, so I was very glad at this golden opportunity to present that side of Costia's history, give it to you and to her, so late in the story and later in her life.

6\. "If I knew you were alive, I **would** have been waiting forever if I had to." This is a little throwback to a conversation they had in volume 1, chapter 26. Lexa was trying to bring up things that transpired between them in their past together in order to show Costia how sincere she was being.

7\. Costia reminded Lexa that her taking Lexa's place was what Lexa always wanted. It was Lexa's contingency plan which was mentioned in a tense conversation between the two in volume 1, chapter 33. This is important because this whole thing, Costia coming back, becoming the Commander, is Costia keeping her promise to Lexa, it's another show of devotion.

8\. Costia used to tease Lexa by replying "science" to certain things Lexa didn't understand. Exhibits can be found in volume 1, chapters 4, 14. Lexa finally gave Costia a little taste of her own medicine.

9\. "I guess you were right all along about there being people in the sky," Lexa referred to a conversation they had in volume 1, chapter 18, which also happened to be one of their only fights ever.

10\. "I always miss you when I'm not with you," that thing they used to say to each other. For example, in volume 1, chapter 28.


	49. De Seken Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

She still felt a bit disoriented but surprisingly enough, not tired.

She woke up in her room a couple of hours prior and found Clarke sleeping on the sofa.

"Clarke," she croaked. _How long has it been since I used my voice?_

Clarke woke up immediately, making it clear that her sleep wasn't very deep.

"I'm sorry," she apologized immediately. I hope it's okay I'm here. When I saw this was taking a while I didn't want you to wake up alone."

"Thank you," Costia commented sweetly. It was a considerate gesture and it was nice to wake up to a friendly face who could answer her questions right away. Even if Costia felt guilty about what happened right before she woke up.

 _When Lexa died they were together. Does that mean they're technically still a couple since Lexa still exists in some form?_

The whole thing was too confusing. Even just considering that kissing Lexa, **her** soul mate, was in truth kissing someone else's partner was too much to handle.

"How long was I gone for?" she started with the easiest question.

"The whole day and the majority of the night, it seems," Clarke noted when she saw through the window that dawn was breaking. "How long was it for you?"

"Longer, I think," Costia provided. "Go get some sleep, Clarke. Real sleep," she ordered and stood up. She almost fell. Nearly twenty-four hours of sitting in the same position had its effects. Clarke stood up quickly and managed to grab Costia right before she fell.

"Next time you go on a whole day journey into the Flame maybe use the bed?" Clarke offered teasingly, helping Costia to the bed so she could sit down.

"Thank you," Costia smiled softly.

 _Everything is sore,_ she realized. She held Clarke's hands and slowly tried to stand up again.

"What do you think you are doing?" Clarke was horrified.

Costia quirked an eyebrow, as if to say "you might want to choose a different tone."

"I'm going to take a walk," Costia stated.

"No, you are not," Clarke objected, irritating Costia.

"Clarke, you are a doctor's daughter. Do you think that sitting down will help with getting my blood flowing after a whole day of, you know, sitting down?" Costia challenged.

Clarke huffed. She knew Costia was right. She had to walk around, she'd be better soon enough once she did, but Clarke was worried, worried enough to not ask her million obvious questions.

"Then I'm coming with you," Clarke declared.

"No, you are not. You need to sleep."

"Look who's talking!"

"I know it sounds weird, but I think I sort of… slept this whole time?"

Clarke looked at her dumbfounded.

Costia sighed. "Just go to sleep. We can talk about everything when you wake up," Costia assured. "Go. That's an order from your Commander."

And Clarke did, not happily, but she did. Right after asking if Costia at least managed to find Becca, which Costia confirmed.

And now Costia was standing in the throne room a while later, feeling guilty again. She really didn't want to discuss everything in the early hours of the morning but she knew that at some point Clarke would reappear and they'll have to address **everything.** Because Clarke would ask about everything, and Costia wouldn't want to lie.

 ** _"Heda,"_** one of the guards announced, pulling her out of her reverie, **_"King Roan is here."_**

 ** _"Thank you, please let him in,"_** she ordered.

Roan walked in, followed by six of his own guards who carried a heavy box. He nodded and once the guards placed the box gently on the floor, they all bowed. It was clear that they were instructed to treat the box with care. It was also clear, to her, that is, what was in the box, or rather, whom. She bit her lip anxiously.

 ** _"What you asked for, Heda,"_** Roan motioned and bowed as well.

 _He delivered her himself,_ she realized. That counted for something. It meant that he respected her. Both of them. The one who was dead and the one who was still alive.

 ** _"Leave us,"_** she addressed both his guards and hers. Everyone started exiting the room. **_"You, too, Titus."_**

 ** _"But, Heda,"_** the **_Fosgona_** protested. He felt like she was too loose about her own safety.

 ** _"Don't worry, Fosgona,"_** Costia assured. **_"King Roan and I are old friends,"_** she stated flatly. Titus sighed but did as he was told. She knew that to him she was sabotaging his role as her **_Fosgona,_** she understood it all too well. If Lexa would have sent her away when Costia's role was to protect her, Costia would get very upset and frustrated. The difference was – Lexa never sent her away. They were no secrets between them, not after their conclave.

She sighed and made sure the door was shut.

 ** _"Does anyone else knows?"_** she asked Roan.

 ** _"No."_**

 ** _"And no one will,"_** she ordered.

He seemed puzzled. He didn't understand the reason behind the request, but he nodded in compliance.

 ** _"Understood."_**

 ** _"Thank you, Roan,"_** she offered sincerely. She knew he didn't do what he did because he was trying to side with where the power was, this was never his way. Sometimes it took him time to realize what was the right thing to do, but eventually, when he acted actively, he was motivated by his own moral code.

He remained stoic, not sure how to react to a sincere show of gratitude from the woman whom his mother imprisoned for years. He constantly felt like he had a lot to make up for, for his legacy's sake, for his peoples' sake.

Costia noticed his inner struggle. Before she had a chance to speak again he nodded and turned around to leave. He knew he hasn't been dismissed, but he almost preferred her scolding him than her thanking him.

But she wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily.

 ** _"You have something your mother never had, Roan,"_** she started again, forcing him to turn around with a grimace on his face. **_"Honor,"_** she added, enjoying seeing him squirm. **_"Your mother cared about power, you care about your people."_**

He remained motionless.

 ** _"When Leksa killed your mother it wasn't just about vengeance,"_** she pointed out. **_"She knew what she was doing. That was her way of appointing you. Azgeda was a part of her coalition, her responsibility. With a leader like you the Ice Nation will be stronger and healthier than ever."_**

 ** _"Thank you, Heda,"_** he finally blurted, realizing that she was right. He wasn't a default, he was a choice. He was wondering if he would ever be able to repay his debts to the deceased Commander and the current one.

 ** _"Now leave me,"_** she allowed, **_"your torture is over."_** The relief was clear on his face as he bowed and did as he was told.

She was finally alone, scanning the box hesitantly. There was a part of her that didn't want to approach it. She knew she had to, though.

She opened the cover and gasped. Her lover laid there, so evidently lifeless, surrounded by huge chunks of already melting ice.

Costia touched her cheek, it was cold.

Costia's face contorted in pain. She raised Lexa's shirt up until she found what she was looking for. A gunshot wound, slowly healing, turning into a scar.

 _I talked to her just hours ago. I kissed her,_ Costia's brain was overwhelmed. Yet her lover was lying dead in front of her, making the difference between reality and almost-reality vividly clear.

They were separated for so long and when they finally met again Lexa was alarmingly alive, and full of emotions, but that was technically just in Costia's head.

She lowered herself so she could kiss Lexa's forehead, letting her lips tingle as they met the cold flesh.

"Hi."

* * *

Costia was on the sofa in her quarters, writing down everything she managed to remember from her time in the Flame. If she felt like she forgot something she just had to close her eyes, concentrate a moment, ask her question and it's as if the answer was whispered in her ear by an invisible someone. It was Waldron, it was Becca, it was Lexa, it was all of them.

 _Such a weird sensation,_ she thought, _to understand so much, to have access to so much information, yet to understand nothing at all._

A soft knock on the door made her halt with a hand and a pen mid-air.

 ** _"Enter,"_** she allowed and Clarke walked in.

"Clarke," she smiled softly, "you look rested, I'm glad." It was late afternoon which just showed how much her advisor needed the sleep. Costia herself, somehow, still didn't feel any fatigue. Not from the Flame, anyway. People were a completely different story.

"Yet you haven't slept at all, have you?" Clarke challenged, arms now crossed.

"No, but honestly, I'm fine. And I want to tell you about the Flame," Costia gestured at the sofa in front of her, where, unbeknownst to her, Clarke sat once, watching Lexa in her sleep, drawing her.

Costia may have not known, but Clarke thought about just that as she sat herself down at that spot for the first time since that day she drew Lexa.

She tried to push the thought away. "So you found her," she stated.

"It took a while, clearly," Costia chuckled, "but, yes. She's running a few simulations that will help us with the gene therapy."

"What else?"

"Not much, I'm afraid. We don't really have anywhere to run to, Clarke. And we can't, realistically, fight those fires. But we can still use the plants."

"How so?" Clarke inquired in confusion.

"We can send delegations, people with the new blood we'll synthesize, to get them exposed to radiation at its highest peak, and then come back and see if the gene therapy worked."

"If it doesn't this turns into a suicide mission," Clarke pointed out.

"I'm aware," Costia confirmed with a heavy heart. "Which is why Becca is running the simulations. But it's not like we have another choice. We have to make it, we have to test it, otherwise we're just waiting for the unknown."

"Not so unknown," Clarke sighed, "more like waiting to have our faces melt."

"Yes, that," Costia agreed, "so this process has to be done as quickly as possible so if it doesn't work, we have time to try again."

"If it doesn't work it means we sent people to their deaths."

"And if we don't send them we might have doomed all of our people," Costia reminded. She knew Clarke wasn't objecting, just hesitating. She also knew that when the moment came, Clarke would want to be one of those who went, same as Costia. But Costia couldn't take that risk, she knew that she was too valuable and so was Clarke. But that was an argument for another day.

"I know you are tired of all the death, Clarke," Costia tried to comfort her advisor, "believe me, so am I."

"But we have to do this," Clarke smiled sadly.

"Yes, we do."

"When do we tell the ambassadors?"

"As soon as I hear from Becca. I'm not going to bother with explaining all of this to them if we don't have something solid," Costia clarified and Clarke nodded in agreement.

There was one other question on Clarke's mind. A question that she knew she shouldn't ask, but she was too curios.

"Did you see Lexa?" she finally dared to inquire. Costia's eyes found hers. There was something about the way Costia looked at her that Clarke couldn't figure out. Not right away. But then she did.

 _Guilt?_ Clarke wondered. _But if so, what about?_ There were so many options.

"I did," Costia admitted and looked away.

"Oh, that's good," Clarke feigned excitement. She didn't need to know more. The rest was between Costia and Lexa, but it was important for her to know that Lexa got the chance to talk to someone who meant so much to her, someone Lexa thought she had lost for good.

"I kissed her," Costia blurted and looked back at Clarke.

 _She kissed me, actually_ , Costia thought, but that technicality would have only hurt Clarke more.

"I'm sorry." She added quickly. She didn't tell that to Clarke to gloat. This was far from a gloating situation. It felt like it was a situation in which everyone was on the losing side, but Costia felt like she'd done wrong by Clarke, and she felt that she had to confess it, apologize for it.

Clarke seemed hurt by the admission but she masked it right away.

"Why are you sorry?" she asked with a scoff.

 _I can't possibly be jealous of something that technically only happened in Costia's head._ Except that Clarke knew just how real it felt when **she** met Lexa, kissed Lexa, in the City of Light.

"When she died you were together," Costia sighed. "If she were still alive you would probably still be together. But since she does exist in a way, does that mean that when I kissed her you two were technically still…?"

She left the question unfinished. She knew that Clarke would understand what she meant. Clarke more than understood, Clarke realized that they were in a similar situation.

"And if **you** weren't dead **you** two would still be together," Clarke pointed out. "Except that you weren't actually dead, so does that mean that when we got together you two were technically still…?"

They looked at each other, trying to understand if either done something morally wrong. After a few moments Clarke started laughing. Costia joined her soon after. It was all as ridiculous as it was surreal.

* * *

It was night time and Costia was finally ready for an actual, real night sleep. No help from powders, no objections to dreams, just letting go. And if she happened to find herself inside the Flame, then so be it.

Clarke and her kept sitting in comfortable silence a while after their confessions. They realized that they've hurt each other with no choice of their own. But that was also what made them understand each other so well. They felt remorse and they respected each other for that remorse.

When Clarke finally stood up to leave Costia stopped her. "I don't know what would happen if I go back into the Flame."

"I think you do," Clarke smiled at her sadly. Clarke didn't add anything, but Costia could see acceptance in her eyes. As if she was telling Costia that as long as she didn't have to hear about it, they were okay.

 _What happens in the Flame stays in the Flame,_ Costia thought bitterly. On the one hand it made things easier. It was just her and Lexa, somewhere others couldn't touch or reach.

On the other hand, it was just her and Lexa somewhere others couldn't touch or reach. A fantasy. Yet a fantasy that they could both feel.

She sighed and shut her eyes, eventually drifting off to sleep.

She woke up inside the Flame. She realized she was on the cliff, by the cabin, watching over the ocean. Lexa was standing right in front of her, smiling, as if she's been waiting. She didn't say a word, she just offered Costia her hand.

 _I just saw her hours ago and she was cold and lifeless,_ Costia observed in awe.

Yet there she was, with a genuine happy smile on her face, her hand stretched for Costia to take, and her hair blowing in the wind. She was breathtaking.

"Will I even feel rested at all after this?" Costia inquired tentatively.

"Does it matter?" Lexa's voice was soft, calm.

Costia didn't need to ask what was going to happen. One look into Lexa's lust filled eyes and she knew. They didn't say anything else, but they both knew they were about to get reacquainted in a way that didn't require any words.

She took Lexa's hand and let her lover lead her to the cabin.

She couldn't have stopped it if she wanted to, and she didn't want to.

* * *

Notes:

1\. You didn't actually think volume 2 will be without _Hamilton_ references, did you?

2\. Costia offering Clarke to sit on a sofa where she once sat and watch Lexa sleep - the famous "Bitanic" of course, episode 3X06.


	50. De Seken Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

"You have so many new scars," Lexa noted sadly. They were lying in bed, naked under a soft blanket, inside of Lexa's cabin. They heard the waves through the window and Costia thought that the sound, which was relatively new to her repertoire, was soothing.

Lexa was gently tracing Costia's bare collarbone area with her finger.

"Courtesy of Ontari, mostly," Costia shrugged.

Lexa's finger halted and Costia saw the pain on her face.

 _Guilt,_ Costia knew.

Lexa noticed Costia's promising tattoo next. It was mostly intact, except for the top part that was slightly damaged.

Costia followed her stare.

"I think it was an accident," Costia explained softly. "For the most part she never got near it. She liked keeping it whole as a reminder of everything I could never have again. I guess she got a little too excited," she released a heavy breath and looked away.

It was a scar from a burn, Lexa could tell. Ontari went for the area right above it and it seems like the tattoo just got in her way.

"You know you don't have to carry them here," Lexa reminded curtly. Just thinking about everything Costia had been through was too much to bear. Costia's scars were a map of her years in captivity and seeing it meant Lexa had to deal with what it meant.

"It's a part of who I am now, Alex," Costia provided simply. "And it's not your fault."

Titus taught them that scars were about endurance. Costia never believed it, but now, after years, she finally agreed with him for a change. She knew she could have masked them when she was inside the Flame, but she didn't want to. **Because** it showed that she endured.

"Just like my death isn't yours," Lexa challenged.

Costia smiled bittersweetly and shook her head. She was never going to believe that her absence didn't play a part in Lexa's demise, and Lexa was never going to believe Costia's absence wasn't her fault. Accepting that truth and living with that notion was the only thing they could do now. Well, at least Costia could. Lexa wasn't exactly living with it, or living, period.

Lexa knew exactly what Costia was thinking and she leaned in to kiss Costia's scars.

Costia moaned. Everything was so intense that she just couldn't believe that none of what she was feeling and experiencing was actually happening in the real world. Waves and waves of pleasure hit her entire being only earlier, as they loved each other for the first time in so long. It was so loaded and at the same time it was as if it jump-started her heart.

"You know," she started and swallowed hard, using every last bit of focus to finish her sentence, "you're missing one."

Lexa barely managed to tear herself away from Costia, but she wasn't sure what Costia meant, so she needed to look at her.

"What?" she was in such a daze, all she wanted to do was taste Costia's skin again. They've been apart forever and even after what seemed like hours of love making nothing felt like enough.

"You're missing one," Costia repeated, "a scar, from the wound that killed you."

Everything else was there. Lexa's body didn't change much. Not many battles were fought after **_Azgeda_** joined the coalition. It meant Lexa's body was almost exactly as Costia remembered it and there was some comfort in that.

Lexa seemed to consider the idea a moment. "I guess it's because I've never seen it," she spoke, contemplative.

 _Lucky you,_ Costia thought. She herself saw it only hours before, but she wasn't going to disclose that information to the very alive-looking version of her lover who was holding her tight.

"You got the conclave tattoo," Lexa noted, letting her hand go up and down Costia's spine. They didn't do much talking before. They were too pre-occupied, so while hours of elaborated physical contact made them notice all these things, they haven't discussed them.

Even with the added baggage that came with it, Lexa loved that Costia's representation in the Flame mirrored her real version. Costia always hid parts of herself from others, it seemed that things changed somewhat.

"Well, someone had to honor them," Costia shrugged as if the tattoo was a no brainer. "To honor my brother," she pushed herself up, hugging her bent legs.

"I'm so sorry, Cos. This is my fault. I should've handled Ontari when I met her instead of allowing her to go back to **_Azgeda_** ," Lexa shook her head and pushed herself up as well to join her lover.

"Yeah, well, **I** should've handled Ontari when **I** met her but instead I got caught and fake-murdered."

Lexa snorted, she didn't want to. It was a serious moment, a moment in which she took responsibility for the death of her young novitiates, of Aden who was like a little brother to her, but Costia did what she always did, she made her laugh, she created a place for Lexa to feel lighthearted.

"I almost forgot," Lexa whispered and leaned in to kiss Costia's bare shoulder.

"Forgot what?" Costia asked in confusion.

"How you make me feel," Lexa admitted and cupped Costia's cheek. She just wanted to be close to her, all the time. "What you are."

"What am I?" Costia rolled her eyes.

"Just… a wonder. This magical creature among men," Lexa provided calmly. Everything fell into place when she was with the other woman, in a way that not even a calm afterlife in the Flame could provide.

"Alex…" Costia looked away in embarrassment.

"I just forgot what loving you feels like," Lexa went on. "It's the best feeling in the world."

Costia didn't know if to be touched by the words or upset. **She** never forgot what loving Lexa felt like. Then again, she knew that after she "died" Lexa **tried** to forget.

Costia scanned Lexa's face, she wasn't sure what to say.

Lexa thought she saw something a bit distant, guarded in Costia's eyes.

"Alex…"

"God I missed hearing you call me that," Lexa's eyes shut in pleasure. "I never thought I would hear you call me that again and so every time you say it my heart stops for a second." She didn't mean to sound cheesy, it just really was how she felt. It made Costia smile. Whatever else was on her mind was now gone.

"Alex," she said as she gently pushed Lexa back down. "Alex," she leaned in to kiss Lexa's collar bone.

Lexa moaned.

"Alex," Costia continued, this time kissing the side of Lexa's neck, letting her lips linger.

"Oh god," Lexa blurted.

"Alex," Costia finished and captured her lover's lips in a passionate kiss.

They were most definitely ready to go again.

* * *

Costia was standing on the cliff, wrapped in nothing but a thin blanket. She couldn't look away from the waves. She had never seen anything like that in her life and the little snug corner Lexa created for herself left quite the impression on Costia.

 _Did people really use to live this way?_ she wondered. _Oceanside, cozy winter in a cabin with a fireplace?_

She felt a sense of longing for something she never knew before. A breeze came from the ocean, making her shiver. She could feel the goosebumps all the way from her shoulders to her palms.

Suddenly there was a light touch from behind her, a kiss on the shoulder, and she was so surprised that she almost fell down.

But a quick hand held her from behind, wrapped her in a hug, making her feel safe.

"I've got you," Lexa whispered in her ear, tightening her hold and kissing Costia's neck.

"You fell asleep," Costia teased without turning around. "I didn't think it was possible to fall asleep in here."

"Me neither," Lexa admitted. "Maybe it's a post-coital thing," she chuckled, "I don't think anyone ever tried to have sex inside the Flame before." she put her free hand to Costia's thigh, making a shiver run down Costia's spine.

Costia gasped. "It looks so real," she managed to say between shallow breathes. "You created this place for yourself? Why? I mean, why specifically?"

Lexa's hand left Costia's inner thigh, making Costia groan in frustration. Lexa turned her lover around so she could see her face.

"You always wanted to see the ocean. I know it's not real, but it made me feel closer to you," she admitted.

Of everything Lexa told her so far, this was somehow the most touching thing. Lexa said all the rest already knowing Costia was alive, but this? This was a choice Lexa made when she thought Costia was dead. After her own death what Lexa wanted was to feel close to Costia.

Costia leaned in and pecked Lexa's lips.

"I'm sorry we never got to travel and see the world," Lexa offered sadly.

"Not going to be much world left soon enough," Costia soothed morbidly.

"You are wrong, Cos. You will figure this out," Lexa stated in certainty.

"And if I don't?"

"You will."

"Alex, be reasonable."

"If you don't then you die, and you come here, and we'll be together forever. I mean, that's the plan either way, for much later, though, because… you will."

* * *

She was sitting on her throne, staring at nothing in particular. It was the rare point of the day in which she had a few minutes to herself. It was usually nice, except now she was thinking about how weird the previous night has been.

 ** _"Heda, are you okay?"_** Titus asked worriedly.

 ** _"I'm fine, Titus,"_** she provided.

 _What else am I supposed to say? That I went to bed alone last night, then woke up inside the Flame, made love to Lexa, fell asleep in her arms, woke up inside the Flame still, and then, after another round of love making and falling asleep in her arms I woke up here alone?_

She shook her head, wondering how long she could maintain the lines between reality and what was beyond reality without it turning her actually crazy.

 ** _"Are you certain?"_** she realized right away that he wasn't trying to push, that he was actually concerned.

 ** _"Yes, Titus, just a lot on my mind. Thank you,"_** she replied kindly. He was trying, and she knew he was trying.

 ** _"Bekka Pramheda?"_** He really couldn't refer to her by her first name alone.

 ** _"Not yet,"_** she sighed just as the doors opened and Octavia walked in.

"Ambassador," Costia greeted with a smile and stood up, "you're back."

"Yes," Octavia offered her own smile, "I rode ahead. We have more people following. Some will be here today with parts of the equipment, a few more deliveries will follow in the next few days," she explained. "Based on the plan Kane, Abby, Raven, Clarke and I put together I think no longer than three days before everything will be here."

"That's great news, Octavia, thank you. Hopefully by then Becca will have some solid answers," Costia crossed her arms behind her back.

"Clarke told me you saw her, she didn't elaborate, though," Octavia noted, trying to sound as casual as possible but Costia noticed some frustration in Octavia's voice. It made her chuckle.

"She did so on my request," Costia explained. "I didn't want to discuss this before I knew I had anything **to** discuss. Patience, ambassador," she teased. "You have enough work as it is."

"Actually…" Octavia started hesitantly.

"What is it?"

"I had this idea, it might be stupid." Octavia was already regretting saying anything.

"Tell me," Costia ordered, but her tone was soft.

Octavia cleared her throat and looked at Titus who remained stoic. She looked back at Costia, the woman who had so much faith in her. Octavia felt like she handled the lab transfer to Polis well, especially when she asked Costia for more healers to be sent to Arkadia and help Jackson considering Arkadia was about to be fifty percent doctor-less. She felt she served her people and also the greater good of the clans by doing so, but now she was about to make her first suggestion as an ambassador and she didn't realize how self conscious it would make her feel.

"You worry too much, Octavia Blake, you know that?" Costia teased, but she knew it worked when some of the tension left Octavia's shoulders.

"Okay, here goes," Octavia announced. "I know you're trying to deal with the bigger picture, how do we actually survive this. Clarke said something about gene therapy?" Costia nodded, allowing Octavia to continue. "Right, and it's great and it will solve some of our issues, but I think we need to get a list of all the bunkers in the area, maybe even create some more, and stock them in case of emergency. What if people have to make trips that would take more than a day and need to take cover in case of a radiation storm? I know the storms were mountain made but things are about to get worse and we don't know that it won't happen naturally in one form or another," she pointed out. "And the acid rain, too. Being underground will provide the perfect cover and keeping those bunkers constantly restocked will assure readiness in case of a bigger emergency."

"See? That's the kind of idea a girl who was raised under the floor comes up with," Costia smiled and Octavia seemed relieved. "I'll get you a list of known existing bunkers from Becca."

"Thank you, Commander. I think that it'll create new jobs for people of all clans. It'll bond them and keep them busy, hopefully enough to not think too much about the danger we're all in."

"What else, Octavia? I can see there's more," Costia encouraged.

"The acid rain," Octavia blurted.

"What about it? You mentioned it already." It's not like it wasn't on Costia's mind, but she was trying to handle one thing at the time. Becca was already running simulations, Abby and Raven were transferring the lab to Polis, most of her science oriented people were already dealing with other tasks. Acid rain was next on the agenda, she just hadn't gotten to it yet.

"Well I did some research," Octavia provided, wondering if it sounded as silly out loud is it did in her head.

 _I'm not the research type,_ she huffed, _or maybe I am now?_

"Anything interesting?"

"At first I thought it was a matter of immediate physical danger, like the radiation storm. I wanted to suggest creating a special acid rain proof material and produce… umbrellas out of it," she cleared her throat again.

"So you know by now that immediate physical injury is not the issue when it comes to acid rain," Costia smiled softly, "but if it was, umbrellas would have been a brilliant idea, Octavia, so stop doubting yourself."

"I'm working on it, Commander," Octavia rolled her eyes, "but, since we agree the real danger to humans is through inhalation, I suggest we distribute masks."

"Not bad, Octavia," Costia was impressed.

"Soil can be harmed, too," Octavia added, "water supply, vegetation. I think we better build containers and start creating artificial reservoirs, or dig holes for water and layer them with concrete or something so the toxic in the ground won't seep in? Maybe produce these huge sheets that we can hang above inhabited areas, protect our soil," she was now on a roll.

"Octavia, breathe," Costia cut her off with a light laughter.

"I'm sorry, I told you, I'm bad at this," Octavia looked away, irritated.

"Bad at what? At talking?" Costia teased, urging Octavia to look back at her. "These are all wonderful ideas," Costia assured. "I'll tell you what. How about I make you my acid rain committee? Gather a few more people whom you think can help, take… let's say a week, and come back to me with your findings. We'll go from there. I think you are onto something. More than one thing."

"Wait, you are entrusting me with **more** responsibilities?" Octavia asked in disbelief.

"Yes. Because you've done well," Costia confirmed easily.

Octavia stared at her dumbfounded. She didn't expect praise. She just wanted to have the nerve to voice her first idea ever as the ambassador of her people. She wasn't a shy person, she wasn't easily thrown off, but this was a whole new thing for her.

"Instead of staring at me go and form me a survival plan," Costia used her hand to dismiss Octavia.

Octavia allowed herself a real, cheeky, self-satisfied, smile.

"You won't be sorry, Commander," she stated, now way more sure of herself.

"I don't expect that I would."

* * *

Clarke walked into the throne room followed by Abby, Octavia, and another girl Costia hasn't seen before.

 _Raven,_ she assumed. She noticed a slight limp.

"Commander," Abby stepped forward, "this is Raven Reyes. We just got back. We can start setting up with what we have as soon as you want."

"Welcome back, Doctor Griffin," Costia stood up. "I'm sure you are exhausted, and Octavia informed me equipment will keep arriving to Polis in the next few days. I suggest you get a good night sleep and start early tomorrow."

Abby seemed relieved. Costia's assumption regarding their energy levels was clearly accurate.

"It's nice to meet you, Raven," Costia climbed down the stairs and offered Raven her hand.

"Rumor has it you were born on the mountain," Raven smiled as she took the offered hand. "So you are more like us than them, then, ah?"

Costia was caught off guard by the comment. "Don't say that," she warned, not aggressively. "There are good people and bad people everywhere," it was what her mother used to say. She carried it as a mantra her entire life. "Think about people like Lincoln, think about Lexa."

 _Lexa was why Finn died,_ Raven thought, but she knew that in the grand scheme of things Lexa was an important ally.

"Maybe they died **because** they tried to be good," Raven looked away sadly. Costia could see Octavia was getting tense.

 _There's pain there,_ Costia realized, observing Raven's entire posture. _She lost something, someone. Maybe both,_ she thought about the limp. She looked at Clarke, asking her without words. Clarke nodded in confirmation. _They haven't been on the ground that long, what exactly were they put through?_

"One could argue that they died because of their association with the sky people," Costia pointed out softly, squeezing Raven's hand to make Raven look at her again. "Perspective, I guess."

Raven swallowed hard and nodded.

"You don't know that you can trust me, and you don't want to be here," Costia observed.

 _That's why me being from the mountain was, in a way, a relief, something to connect to even with everything the mountain men did._

Raven looked surprised. Costia was spot on.

"How about that, Raven Reyes, my responsibility is to save us all, and you just have to trust me. I'm going to give you some responsibility, and I'll just have to trust you," Costia smirked challengingly and Raven seemed puzzled, then relieved.

"Did I just mess up this whole first impression thing?" she inquired cautiously.

"I'm sure you'll find a way to redeem yourself, such as, you know, help preventing doomsday," Costia shrugged.

"I've already done it once, actually," Raven pointed out matter-of-factly.

 _The City of Light,_ Costia knew.

"Well, there, positive impression restored. But if you are really worried, get some sleep. We can try this whole first impression thing again tomorrow."

* * *

Lexa smiled when Costia appeared right in front of her, inside the cabin. Lexa was comfortably snuggled in her bed, reading a book.

"We never had a sense of time here but now you show up and I know the day ended in the real world," she stated, gesturing with her hand to the empty part of bed beside her. "Keep doing that, please? Showing up at the end of each day?" she requested genuinely as Costia approached her and gave her a short, tender kiss.

"I will."

* * *

Notes:

1\. This idea that Costia could alter her physical appearance while inside the Flame resembles Emori in the city of light. Emori was also told she could "correct her defects" (episode 3X14.) Costia could change things if she wanted to but she didn't want to. This is who and what she is now.

2\. "If you don't then you die, and you come here, and we'll be together forever." Lexa said it to Costia because she knew this was what Costia needed to hear. Which isn't to say that's what Lexa aspired for. She cared about the world and the people in it, namely, Clarke, but she told Costia what Costia needed to hear, and she meant it, too.

3\. Enter Raven! Yay!

4\. A few words on acid rain. Based on the research I did, acid rain isn't necessarily what we think it is when we hear the term.

Unlike the Mount-Weather-made acid fog, known as the veil, which we've seen could lead to burns and death, acid rain is actually dangerous when inhaled. You will not be burned if I understood correctly, but you'll inhale it and the toxicity in it which will lead to health complications. It also seeps into the ground, hurting vegetation and water supply.

I wanted Octavia to find out that it's not what she thought it was, just like I did, because I think it's a common thing to hear the term "acid rain" and assume it'll just cause burns if you're exposed to it.

This is also why she suggested digging water reservoirs made of concrete, so the toxicity won't be able to seep in through the ground. This is why she suggested masks, to prevent inhalation. This is why she wanted to produce these huge sheets, like a sort of a roof above important areas.


	51. De Seken Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

"No," Costia shook her head disapprovingly.

"What do you mean no?" Clarke scoffed. "I'm not doing anything yet, I'm just standing here!"

"Exactly. Your posture is terrible, don't slouch, your stance would get you on the ground within two seconds," Costia scolded.

It was early in the day and Costia kept her promise to teach Clarke to fight.

Except Clarke was joking when they spoke about practicing at the break of dawn, so when Costia walked into her room and rolled her off her bed, Clarke nearly had a heart attack.

She had no idea how the Commander managed to be so sharp so early in the day but Costia didn't show any signs of fatigue, physical or otherwise.

"Here," Costia used her Bo to tap on Clarke's foot. "Widen your stance. You want your feet to parallel your shoulders, otherwise it'd be very easy for you to lose your balance."

Clarke did as she was told but not happily. "Remind me again why we are doing this so early, Commander?"

"It's for your own benefit, Clarke. Not many people are around at this hour, so you won't be as publicly humiliated," Costia explained and with a single, swift Bo movement she hit Clarke's shin and Clarke's lost her footing and fell on her ass.

She yelped in surprise.

"Your stance was still not wide enough," Costia pointed out and offered Clarke her hand.

"Was this really necessary?" Clarke huffed, rubbing her now aching butt.

"Yes, because now you're more motivated to not make this mistake again," Costia offered her a cheeky smile. "But seriously, Clarke, this is very basic. You can tell how much of an amateur a warrior is by his stance and posture. You want to have good footing," she used the Bo to tap at Clarke's feet again until it was the width that she wanted. Clarke was indeed more alert now. "You also want your chest area to be open enough to allow freedom of movement, but not too much that you allow your opponent an opening, here," Costia showed her a good hand position and Clarke tried to mimic it. "Alignment is also key, you wanna stand tall, but not be stiff," she showed Clarke again.

After Costia showed her some basic moves she let Clarke try her luck.

Clarke knew their pace was slow and that Costia was hardly breaking any sweat while Clarke could hardly catch a breath, but she had to admit that the physical activity felt good and empowering. She liked the idea that she could train her body to be something she could use for protection, and that made her realize that she was grateful to Costia for the offer to teach her.

Just as Clark threw a punch towards Costia's face, Costia turned around as if she heard someone call her name. That didn't stop her from easily blocking Clarke's attack even though her head was turned in the opposite direction.

"You are such a show off," Clarke rolled her eyes.

"I have to go, Clarke, I'm sorry," Costia turned and apologized. "We'll continue tomorrow. If you find some free time today, practice. And ask Nyko about his miracle powder. Tell him I sent you, he'll know what I mean. It smells like lavender." She started walking back toward the tower.

"Wait, Costia, where are you going?" Clarke inquired in confusion.

"It's Becca," Costia provided. "She's calling me. She's done with the simulations."

* * *

"I'm here," Costia stated the moment after she found herself right in front of Becca. It was much easier now that she knew exactly where Becca was.

"Costia, you don't actually have to show up here," Becca pointed out. "The connection between us has been established. You can just think about your question and I'll give you the answer."

"Oh," Costia offered sheepishly.

"It's okay, I'm sure you can find a use for your time here," Becca smirked, clearly referring to Lexa.

"Commander, I do hope this playfulness means you have some good news for me," Costia's eyebrow quirked in challenge. Maybe the residents of the Flame weren't easily privy to everything **Costia** was thinking and doing, but Lexa was a different story, she was part of the "mainframe," like Becca so kindly explained. And she was also sort of Becca's neighbor. It meant Becca knew things.

"I do," Becca confirmed. "I hope," she took a deep breath. "First thing's first, the Nightblood is **supposed** to be sufficient, so you're okay, and I think I found a way to alter the blood within six weeks time with three daily injections."

"Okay," Costia encouraged her to go on.

"Based on my simulation, if we create a new blood type combining the blood of the sky people with this of those from the ground and add a little secret ingredient, the new type should be sufficient as well and can be injected in a similar manner to take effect after six weeks."

"Dare I ask what's that secret ingredient?"

"It's the Nightblood, but," Becca pressed on when she saw the alarm on Costia's face, this should have been a last resort, "just a tinge, as an enhancement, it wouldn't affect the coloring of the blood, and it's just as an extra precaution."

Costia sighed. It was better than nothing. At least she wasn't going to have to deal with thirteen clans full of Nightbloods. "Six weeks, then?"

"Six weeks," Becca assured, "from the moment we have the samples. Which can take another week or two to create to perfection, so keep that in mind."

"I have the formula in my head now, don't I?" Costia shook her head, amused.

"Yes, and if you forget something just ask."

"Alright," Costia agreed, anxious to get back and provide her doctor with the information. "What about the other thing?"

Becca smiled. "I think I have some good news on that front, too."

* * *

Costia walked into the new lab, and straight to the whiteboard she asked Abby to have ready. Abby wasn't in the room, but Raven was. Costia ignored her completely and Raven followed her with her eyes, dumbfounded, wondering if this was payback for her behavior when they first met.

"Hmm… Commander?" she tried cautiously.

Costia ignored her still, picked up a sharpie and started writing on the whiteboard.

Raven watched her, fascinated, as the board started to fill with equations and details. Most of it, Raven didn't understand, she assumed it was medically oriented, but every now and then there was something that had to do with technology and she got it, feeling validated, knowing that she was called to the capital for a reason.

Costia kept writing for at least twenty minutes, stopping every now and then. Raven noticed that when she paused, she closed her eyes in concentration and moments later kept writing, as if she recalled the details she was missing.

She finally finished and sighed in relief, turning around and looking at Raven in surprise.

"Raven, I didn't see you there. How are you?" she offered kindly.

"You didn't…" Raven snorted, "you didn't see me there? I was talking to you."

"You were?" Costia smiled in disbelief. "I'm sorry, I was pre-occupied. You guys done a really great job with the place, considering not all the equipment is even here yet."

Raven shook her head in puzzlement. Costia acted as if her little trance-like display was completely normal.

"Yeah, we're trying to set everything up as quickly as possible," she finally replied, "listen, about yesterday…"

"It's fine, Raven, it's a new day," Costia brushed off. She was stuck in the past in so many ways, she didn't want to add to that, she didn't want to hold even more grudges.

"No, it's not, I was out of line. Things… things have been hard," she added. "And it was one hit after the other without a moment to think about what it all meant, but since the City of Light…"

"You had some time to think," Costia understood. She had **years** to think in **_Azgeda._** It wasn't always a good thing.

"It's just… we came down here, and we met the people down here, and I thought we couldn't be more different. You guys seemed so violent, so much more prone to war," Raven tried to explain.

"From what I'm hearing, a girl was forced to grow up under a floorboard in order to keep her mom from being executed, and your people used execution as a tool for population reduction," Costia pointed out flatly.

"Yes, and I was finally starting to understand it, that we weren't so different, that it was always about survival, and then Lexa killed the man I loved," she gritted her teeth.

Costia stiffened. "Did she?" Costia inquired coldly. Raven had to know this conversation wasn't going to be easy and she insisted on having it anyway, she opened it with an apology, so Costia had to wonder what she was trying to achieve.

"Well, Clarke killed him, but Lexa made her do it."

"And what did he do to deserve such fate?" Costia asked sarcastically. She didn't think anyone deserved such fate, but she knew in what sort of a world they lived, and she knew the sort of choices Lexa had to make.

"He killed eighteen people. Including women and children," Raven looked down, shaking her head at the haunting memory, still not believing that Finn actually did what he did.

"Huh." Costia didn't add anything, she knew Raven was working through something.

"I blamed everyone for what happened to him, Clarke, for a long time, Lexa. So when I heard it was her lover who was going to be in charge, maybe there was a part of me that wanted to provoke you," she finally admitted.

"Have you ever had to lead, Raven?" Costia asked calmly, knowing very well what it felt like to lose the person that she loved. It made her feel much more compassion towards the other woman.

"No, and I don't wish to."

"You are smart, I never wished to, either."

"Yet you are here," Raven pointed out.

"Yes. Circumstances force us to do things we never wished to do. Say goodbye to a loved one, take upon ourselves roles that we didn't ask for, forgive those who wronged us under impossible circumstances."

Raven stared right into Costia's eyes, realizing that what Costia said was true to almost everyone she knew, not just the both of them.

"I wanted to provoke you, but I **did** also hope to find something familiar. When we just heard about the mountain it sounded like they were like us, culturally at least, and the Grounders were the savages. Which is ironic considering how the mountain men used my people as guinea pigs, and of course, this happened," Raven pointed at her injured leg.

"On the mountain?"

"Before, actually. By one of us," Raven looked away. "But it gotten worse when we tried to take the generators down at the mountain. And then they got us and… I guess you can say the enemy got me hurt when I was being a part of a hostile takeover that turned into a bit of a genocide."

"Everyone hurts everyone, right?" Costia suggested, a dark cloud on her face.

"Everyone helps everyone, too, isn't that what you were trying to tell me yesterday?"

Costia smiled softly. It was painful how she hardly remembered anything about her mother anymore, but the first lesson of her life, a lesson about people, how there was always a room for both caution **and** hope, was her mother's doing. "So where does that leave us?" she asked the young mechanic.

"I guess I was trying to say that we're all the same and the future is scary and trusting each other is hard?" Raven smirked.

"Sounds about right," Costia chuckled.

"But like you said, you trusted me, and I'm going to trust you," Raven promised, trying to convey to Costia just how much she meant it.

"I think the best way to show someone that they can put their trust in you is to put your trust in them, first," Costia noted.

"It has the potential to backfire," Raven pointed out.

"It does," Costia agreed, "but I don't think it will, not this time, as a matter of fact I'm just about to become a whole lot more trusting."

"What do you mean?" Raven inquired in confusion.

That was the moment Abby chose to walk in, stopping dead on her tracks when she noticed the white board which stood completely blank only half an hour before.

"What is all this?" she asked, completely dumbfounded.

"That," Costia looked at the board, "is how we synthesize a new type of blood, how we create more of **my** blood, and how we make it take effect in six weeks time," she summarized in self satisfaction.

"You did it!" Abby stared at her in amazement.

"Oh, no, Becca did it, and now **you** are going to do it," she concluded and Abby exchanged an excited, hopeful look with Raven.

"Also," Costia cleared her throat, "I know you are already stretched thin, so, so thin, but, I have a little side project for you."

* * *

"Is she an absolute nut job?" Raven asked her lab partner once Costia was gone after dropping a huge bomb on them.

"It's either that, or that she's an absolute genius," Abby observed, still quite rattled herself.

"Can we actually do this?" Raven questioned and Abby could see the young woman was both frightened and excited at the same time. She could very much sympathize with the sentiment.

"We will most certainly try."

"Do we **want** to do this?"

"From a scientific point of view? I think we most certainly do," Abby half stated half asked, but she saw the intrigue in Raven's eyes.

"And from other points of view?" the younger woman questioned cautiously.

"She thinks it's the right thing to do and she keeps trusting us. This, above all, is a sign of just how much. I think it's only fair that we trust her, too."

* * *

Notes:

Nyko's powder probably had the most "guest appearances" in this entire story.


	52. De Seken Chapter 51

**Chapter 51**

Costia was reading Becca's journal which Raven gave her the day before.

In truth, she didn't need it anymore in order to have access to Becca's knowledge. Yes, she liked the fact that she suddenly understood Latin, but if she had a question, any question at all, all she had to do was think it, and the answer would find its way into her brain. It was a nice notion, but she also hated feeling like she might become too dependent on it. The notion of not knowing entirely where her thoughts ended and the information from the Flame started was disorienting at times, horrifying at others.

But the notebook was something else. It may have been of no practical use to her anymore, but it was a real, tangible representation of Becca in the real world. The answers that were in her head, which came from an artificial source, were also right at her grasp, in a much more vivid form.

A knock was heard.

 ** _"Enter,"_** she ordered and a moment later Titus walked into the room.

 ** _"You asked for me, Heda,"_** he stated matter-of-factly and she knew he came straight from the guard's debrief.

 ** _"Yes, Titus, please, sit,"_** she gestured at the sofa across from her. He looked at her hesitantly but eventually sat down, thinking that he had never taken a seat in the Commander's quarters before.

The confused look on his face made Costia roll her eyes, but subtly enough that he didn't notice.

When he sat down she spoke again. **_"Is your new position as my Fosgona to your liking, Fleimkepa?"_** she inquired, choosing deliberately to show him that she didn't forget he had other duties and another title.

 ** _"To tell you the truth, Heda, I never realized how much work it entailed,"_** he dared offering her a soft smile, hoping that she'd realize he was praising her. But just to be on the safe side he chose the direct approach. **_"You were a great Fosgona, Heda. I never told you. I… I never realized."_**

 ** _"Best Fosgonas are those whose presence is hardly noticeable,"_** she pointed out sadly.

 ** _"I don't know how you did it. The guard speaks so highly of you, and some of them served for years."_**

 ** _"I think the not so secretive secret was that I was willing to give up my life for her,"_** Costia shrugged, even though she knew her job was way more than just that. But the core success of her time as a **_Fosgona_** was, in her mind, due to the fact that Lexa was always her first priority.

 ** _"You did give up your life for her. You gave up three years of your life, and since she's dead you also gave up your future,"_** he looked away in shame, maybe realizing for the first time that his actions destroyed more than just one person's life. Maybe **caring** for the first time.

 _If what you're saying is true, then doesn't that make you the person who stole my future from me?_ She wondered, unsettled. She wished she could vanquish the anger she had inside of her towards him, but she wasn't sure that would ever be the case. She shook her head, trying to maintain respectfulness, knowing that they had much more urgent matters to deal with. She was willing to try with him, because she knew Lexa would want her to, and because she knew the story and his part in it wasn't over.

 ** _"Well, as much as I appreciate what I believe is the first genuine compliment you've ever given me, it's not why I called you here,"_** she sighed, **_"I want to tell you some things, about what's coming, and how we're going to handle it, and you're not going to like it,"_** she provided and he grimaced. **_"I considered not telling you,"_** she admitted, **_"but that's not what I want. You are my advisor. I don't want you to find out down the line. I want transparency. At least about matters that have to do with the survival of our people."_**

 _However, you are not privy to my heart's desires,_ she thought. There were some things she could never tell him.

 ** _"I'm giving you the option to leave, Titus. But if you choose to stay, then you stay, and you listen,"_** she told him, knowing that he was a man of honor, and no matter how much he disagreed or struggled with the changes, his first and foremost duty was to the Commander, and the Flame, both as the First Warrior and the Flamekeeper.

She was the Commander. She had the Flame.

 ** _"I will stay, Heda. And I will listen,"_** he promised sincerely.

She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to decide whether or not she actually believed him.

 ** _"Do you know what's coming?"_** she asked softly.

 ** _"I know what I've heard. Something disastrous. Something like the thing that destroyed the world in the first place. That's why you talked to Bekka Pramheda,"_** he recited what he concluded so far.

 ** _"Yes, it is. Our bodies, most of us, won't be able to withstand the change, Titus. We need to alter our bodies, to alter our blood. The First Commander told me how, Abby and Raven are already working on it."_**

He was there when she discussed gene therapy with Clarke. That didn't mean that he understood and he wasn't sure that it was his place to make inquiries. But now she was giving him the option.

 ** _"How…"_** he was afraid to ask, because the concept was so foreign to him, he couldn't even imagine it. In addition, he was the advisor, the older, experienced man, it took a lot to admit to the younger woman that he realized she understood what was happening better than he did. **_"How does that work, exactly?"_**

 ** _"Our people are the survivors of the first nuclear disaster,"_** Costia explained kindly, her tone reflected no condescension or gloating. **_"They are immune to radiation in a way that the mountain men never were."_**

 ** _"Which is why the mountain men harvested our blood, and skaikru's?"_**

 ** _"Yes, bone marrow, actually, but that's the correct idea, Titus,"_** Costia confirmed with a sad smile. He knew she was ashamed at what her own people did to other human beings, but she was just as ashamed in the clans' way as well. **_"Skaikru spent generations away. They, too, show certain immunity."_**

 ** _"But it's not enough, is it?"_** he realized, otherwise why the dramatics?

 ** _"Each one on its own, no. But Becca found that if we combine the blood, create a whole new type of blood, the immunity will be enhanced, presumably, enough for us to survive what's coming."_**

 ** _"How do we know with certainty that it would work?"_** he wondered out loud.

 ** _"We inject a small group of volunteers. We send them away, to where the radiation is at its highest peak, and when they come back we check their blood, their vitals, we see how, if at all, their bodies were affected."_**

 ** _"If it doesn't work we are sending these people to their deaths,"_** he scanned her face, but she remained stoic.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she confirmed flatly, **_"yes, we are."_**

He swallowed hard and nodded. He was a proud man, but he knew when to admit that he wasn't informed enough about a situation, something that, in his opinion, rarely happened.

 ** _"There's more, Titus,"_** Costia added cautiously and he looked at her, curious. She handed him Becca's notebook. **_"Did you ever manage to read any of this?"_**

 ** _"Not all, Heda,"_** he admitted. **_"It's a foreign language."_**

 ** _"Yes, it's Latin,"_** she explained, **_"a language that was old and nearly forgotten even before the nuclear disaster. But having the Flame, I can read it, because Bekka knew it."_**

He squeezed his eyes together in concentration but nodded to encourage Costia to go on.

 ** _"As a matter of fact, you'll find that many of our people who were in the city of Light suddenly know Latin. Or Klarke understands Trigedasleng, because she took the Flame."_**

 ** _"She told you that?"_** Titus inquired, surprised.

 ** _"No, but look at her face when it's spoken around her, she understands."_**

He was still having a hard time accepting the fact that Clarke ascended, but he couldn't deny what he saw, and what he saw was her saving all of them, her not dying upon accepting the Flame.

 ** _"Bekka created the Flame, Titus,"_** Cosia continued, knowing that she now arrived to the actual dangerous territory. **_"She's describing the whole process in detail in her notebook. She also explains how she created the Natblida,"_** she finished in a strong, stable voice.

 ** _"She… created?"_** he shook his head. What Costia just said was more than just borderline blasphemy.

 ** _"Natblida is human made, Fleimkepa, just like the new blood that we are about to create right now with her instructions. I'm sorry, but this is the truth,"_** she looked him straight in the eye, trying to convey that she found no pleasure in bringing down the foundations of the religion he served his entire life.

He stood up and created some space between them, shaking his head in denial.

 ** _"No,"_** he refused to believe.

 ** _"And because she created it with the intention of coming to earth and help the survivors of the nuclear disaster, she took radiation into consideration. Natblidas are immune in an enhanced way,"_** Costia insisted. She already said some, she was going to say it all.

 ** _"No."_** he repeated, refusing to accept the initial idea of the sacred blood being artificially made.

 ** _"You promised me you would listen, Fleimkepa,"_** she narrowed her eyes and the iciness in her tone made him turn back and examine her face. **_"Whatever happens, whatever you must come to terms with today, I am still your Commander, I still carry the Flame, and you are still my Fleimkepa and Fosgona. This bond is sacred,"_** she stood up and took a step toward him, **_"not because of your faith, but because we decided that it is, and that might be an even stronger reasoning."_**

He looked at her in awe, not sure what to think. Her words rang so true, but she was forcing him to experience a loss, the loss of the meaning of his entire existence, and he had to mourn that. But she wasn't even done.

 ** _"We are going to use the Natblida as an additional ingredient in the new blood we create,"_** she forced herself to say and forced him to listen.

 ** _"Heda…"_** he tried in desperation.

 ** _"Just as an enhancement, to be on the safe side. Bekka assured me it won't affect the coloring. I promise you, Titus, we are not creating new Natblidas."_**

He seemed to have relaxed somewhat.

 ** _"But…"_** she continued.

 ** _"But?"_** he was certain he didn't want to hear the rest.

 ** _"But I have to do what's right for my people and if the new blood fails but the Natblida prevails…"_**

He shut his eyes, needing just a moment, and Costia granted him that. He was struggling towards acceptance, she knew.

 ** _"You want someone with the sacred blood to go on that mission,"_** he provided, his eyes still shut.

Costia waited, he slowly opened them. She thought that he seemed so much older suddenly. Like a person who fought, and lost, and surrendered.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she confirmed simply.

 ** _"But there isn't anyone else, Heda, there's only you. And you can't go. We can not take that risk,"_** he stated firmly.

 ** _"I am aware of my importance to the survival of our people and while I'd be honored to go, I know that I can't."_**

 ** _"Which means…"_** he did the math in his head and sighed heavily, **_"that you want to send someone else. You want to create a Natblida after all,"_** he shuddered as the words left his mouth.

 _Maybe I could just go to sleep and when I wake up I'll find out this was all a bad dream, from the moment I picked up that damned skaikru weapon,_ he thought miserably. But he knew having Lexa wouldn't have changed the course of what was coming. And he had no doubt Lexa's decisions would've been similar to Costia's.

 ** _"Yes,"_** Costia confirmed again. Whether she knew what was going on in his mind or not, she didn't let it show. **_"Just the one, or two."_**

 ** _"Klarke, then,"_** he blurted immediately. Costia was weirdly pleased to see that Titus grew to trust Clarke. Clarke proved herself in his eyes when she was willing to die before she let the Flame fall into the wrong hands. Wherever else her loyalties lay with, he knew they lied with Lexa.

 ** _"Klarke is my advisor, she, too, is indispensable,"_** Costia objected right away.

 _And she put her life on the line too many times already,_ Costia thought.

"Who, then?" he demanded in English.

No matter how much he surprised Costia by not fleeing the room after what must have been a devastating conversation for him, nothing surprised her more than hearing him refer to her in English.

 _An olive branch,_ she realized.

"I don't know yet," she replied, playing along. "Our meeting with the ambassadors is in a couple of hours. I'm going to ask for volunteers, and we see who comes forward."

"Will you need people of all clans?" he inquired.

 ** _"Fleimkepa,"_** she started, "you don't have to do this."

"Lexa always spoken to you in English. Am I wrong to assume you are more comfortable speaking it?"

"I'm comfortable with both, Titus, completely," she insisted, wanting him to know she was as much a **_trikru_** as she was a mountain girl. "But only one of the two is what my mother used when she sang me lullabies," she concluded and he looked at her as if he saw her for the first time.

Meanwhile she realized it was his small way of showing her that he was trying to accept the untraditional aspects of everything, of her.

"Trust me," she requested, "not because I'm ordering you to, but because you know that I'll do what it takes. I will see this through."

 _Maybe what we always needed was a sky girl and a mountain girl,_ he thought. _And above all, we needed the woman that the two have in common._

"I do," he promised. "With all my heart, I do."

* * *

They sat there staring at her, dumbfounded. Everyone except for Ocavia, Clarke, and Titus who heard the explanation earlier in the day. Indra, too, have seen enough, been around sky people enough to not be as rattled.

Costia didn't tell them about the Nightblood part of things and she had no intention of doing so, because the sad truth was – she didn't trust her ambassadors, not enough to freely provide them with such a dangerous piece of information.

On a good day, they just argued and made the decision making process way more excruciating. On a bad day, they were power hungry and some of them sported their own ambitious wants. Costia wasn't going to tolerate a coup. She had no time for that.

" ** _Heda,_** " the Shallow Valley clan finally spoke, "with all due respect, I advise against it."

"Watch my complete and utter shock," Costia stated flatly. "It's a theme with you, ambassador."

He was trying to choose his words carefully. He already had an altercation with her that cost him his knee. She miraculously allowed him to return, he knew he had to be careful.

"We can't deny that we never had these sorts of problems before **_skaikru_** got here," he added cautiously, averting his eyes from Octavia who was glaring at him.

"Correction," Costia stood up, which, even given her small frame, made her seem much more intimidating. "These problems were in the making for a century. You just didn't know. There are many things you don't know, ambassador."

"Of course, **_Heda_** , I never claimed…"

"You can't blame our thirteenth clan every time you don't understand or aren't aware of something."

"Surely, **_Heda,_** I was simply trying to say…"

"I believe my dear **_Fosgona_** used to think like you Ambassador," she took a step toward the man. "And then he made Clarke **_Fleimkepa_** , and then she showed him, showed all of us, that the trust wasn't misplaced." She started circling the room, making sure to create eye contact with every single one of them. "You refuse to admit that the world around you is changing. You can't play by the old rules when there are new circumstances," she chuckled sarcastically. She knew most of her ambassadors were still people of faith. They believed in bad omens just like they believed in good ones. "You blame the sky people? Well, if they haven't fallen from the sky during your time, they would've eventually. They were always going to come back. This is their home, too."

Most ambassadors looked down in shame. So did Titus who knew now that Costia was right. Earth was the origins of all of them.

"Apologies, **_Heda_** ," the Blue Cliff Clan ambassador stood up. "I believe many of us are still hurting over what happened outside of Arkadia."

"They broke an alliance and it lead to many deaths," the Shallow Valley clan added hesitantly.

Clarke watched intently to see how this will play out. She knew during Costia's first meeting with the ambassadors after her ascension that it wasn't the last they'd hear about the Arkadia massacre.

"So did you," Costia reminded. "Lexa and the coalition army left the sky people to fend for themselves on the mountain. And **_skaikru_** still agreed to see past that and join our coalition. We're not playing a game here. We will **not** change our minds every other day."

"But what about consequences?" The Blue Cliff ambassador asked weakly and she could tell right away that he was speaking out of mourning, that he was thinking about the brother that he had lost, and as respectful as he was trying to be, the pain was excruciating.

"They brought down the City of Light and with that saved hundreds of our people. I'd say they've paid their dues," Costia pointed out.

"While that's true, it's not the same as justice," the Shallow Valley ambassador dared to say.

"You watch your tone when you speak to the Commander," Indra spat warningly. Costia waved her off.

"That's really interesting coming from you, ambassador. Seeing how it was your people who killed the previous Commander's parents when she was a child yet you and your people are still here," Costia pointed out calmly.

Clarke looked at her grateful and also surprised. She realized Costia was referring to Lexa's parents. Lexa never spoken about them. Lexa never spoken about great many things.

"The Shallow Valley Clan proved itself over the years!" the man defended.

"And so will **_skaikru._** They already started, and they will now continue as we move forward with this plan, which, believe me, is our only chance."

"I demand we take a vote on this! It is too extreme, too foreign a concept!" He argued.

"Your demand has been heard, and rejected," Costia waved in boredom. Enough was enough. The man was done and they both knew it. It was the only reason why he dared saying his next words.

"You remind me of Lexa" he sneered.

"Thank you," she provided matter-of-factly.

"It was not a compliment."

There was a deafening silence lingering in the room as everyone watched Costia to see what she'd do. Titus, Indra and Clarke secretly hoped that she'd throw the ambassador off the tower.

"There is no world in which this is not a compliment," she smiled gently, unfazed. "Take him away," she ordered two of her guards who were quick to follow.

Clarke smirked and exchanged a look with Octavia who seemed to be in a similar state of mind.

"For what reason?" The ambassador objected.

"Because I don't like you, because I can, and frankly, because your voice is giving me a headache."

He narrowed his eyes but there was nothing he could do. A moment later the guards grabbed both his arms and escorted him out.

Costia sighed.

 _Great, now I also need to find a new ambassador._

" ** _Heda…_** " The Blue Cliff ambassador started and took a deep breath. She could tell the man was tormented.

"Speak, ambassador," she commanded.

"Are you sure this is the only way?"

"I am. I'm certain," she provided in seriousness. "And the First Commander is backing me up on this."

"But we will be sending people to a possible doom," he pointed out.

"Ambassador, when in history was anything great ever achieved without a sacrifice?" she challenged and everyone in presence nodded, realizing her words were true. "Ask among your people. Tell them it has the potential to save us all. Let them choose their own fates. Rather than sitting and expecting the end of days, maybe they'd want to help," she concluded.

"What makes you think they'd actually come?" he inquired miserably.

"Because I asked them to."

* * *

Notes:

1\. I want to explain this point of City of Light versus the Flame and what one remembered upon waking up from either. Regarding the City of Light – yes, our **_skaikru_** friends "shared the space" with people of the clans, but they didn't wake up knowing **_Trigedasleng_** because while in the Flame the past commanders (and thus their language) are an actual part of the mainframe, the same can't be said about the Grounders in the City of Light. ALIE disposed of them quite easily, using the knowledge of a specific "agent" when need be, almost like operatives. They never became a permanent part of ALIE's mainframe. Latin, however, was a part of ALIE's mainframe, which is why in my opinion Raven and people who woke up from the City of Light knew it. Meaning – there's a sense of shared information in the Flame in a way that doesn't exist in the City of Light. I originally thought all **_skaikru_** who were at the City of Light would know **_Trigedasleng_** , but later on it didn't make sense to me.

2\. "We can't deny that we never had these sorts of problems before **_skaikru_** got here." While this line was originally written around July 2016, it was quite satisfying to see the season 4 trailer months later and learn that this indeed was going to be the feeling among some of the Grounders.

3\. What excited me about this chapter was that through some of the subplots and secondary characters we got to explore crisis of faith, and then even those who struggled chose to look forward and see a way of maybe surviving what's coming.


	53. De Seken Chapter 52

**Chapter 52**

 _One Week Later…_

Costia hit Clarke's shin for what seemed like the millionth time, but the other woman didn't waver.

"Good, Clarke," Costia complimented proudly. "See how much of a difference a good stance makes?"

Clarke smiled widely. It was a small step, but it was a step in the right direction and after a week of practicing with and without Costia, she was happy that she mastered at least this much.

"So now what?" she inquired.

"Well, you work on your lower body strength. A stronger hit can still bring you to the ground."

"What else?" Clarke demanded enthusiastically, making Costia chuckle. "When do I get a Bo?"

"Who said you are getting a Bo?" Costia challenged.

"You make it look… almost elegant, Costia," Clarke admitted.

"How about you learn to block a fist first and then we can discuss weapons?" Costia teased.

"Show me," Clarke demanded.

"With pleasure," Costia mocked, making Clarke realize she was basically ordering the Commander. "Hit me," Costia stated simply.

And Clark tried, but Costia deflected the hit so easily that a moment later Clarke was on the ground again after Costia twisted her arm and kicked her shin, making her lose her footing.

"I guess the stance didn't help that much, did it?" Clarke grunted and rubbed her butt. Costia offered her a hand and brought her back to her feet.

"Here's the thing, Clarke. The moment you throw a fist you lean forward and as great as your stance was, you lost it and it was easy for me to do what I did," Costia explained. "You need to adjust. You throw one hand forward you have to balance it by sending one leg backwards," Costia showed her. "The more you practice this transition, the more your body will remember it, and do it instinctively when you throw a punch."

Clarke crossed her arms and huffed.

"Fighting is fifty percent skill and fifty percent imagination, Clarke. It's not easy. Sometimes you have to foresee the future just a bit, and you have seconds, not even, to do it."

"I'd like to think that I'm imaginative," Clarke shrugged.

"You are. And trust me, it's a lot. Many warriors train for years, but there has to be a room for improvisation. Every warrior is different, so the circumstances are **never** the same when you fight," Costia reassured. "Here, let's try again. Start at your neutral stance and as you send a fist forward, send a leg backwards."

"I thought we were focusing on blocking fists today," Clarke pointed out.

"We can focus on more than one thing, Clarke. I have faith in you," Costia chuckled and Clarke couldn't help but smile.

Clarke tried again, and Costia moved away, letting the punch hit the empty air where she was standing moments ago.

"And if you play around with your stance, getting back to it easily enough, feeling comfortable with it, then sometimes you don't have to block at all," Costia noted, poking Clarke's rib cage, making the other girl giggle.

"Apparently you're ticklish," Costia quirked her eyebrow, making Clarke blush. "My point is, there's a tell, almost always when it comes to punches. You see it, you recognize it, you just remove yourself from the threat and now I'm standing next to you, balanced on my feet, and with an opening."

"What you're saying is that if this was a battle and you had a sword…"

"You'd be bleeding to death right now after I pierced your heart, yes," Costia snorted.

They kept at it for another hour. Clarke's pace was slow but she got the movement right and Costia promised her that was the important out of the two.

"Pace comes after. Keep doing this, your body will remember. Tomorrow we can go over the list of 'tells' when it comes to punches. You'll learn to see it coming."

Just as Costia was about to leave and get herself washed, Clarke spoke again.

"So, did you see Lexa last night?"

Costia turned around and searched Clarke's face in surprise. Clarke may have tried to sound causal but Costia didn't buy it.

"Yes," she replied cautiously.

 _I see her every night._

"How is she?" Clarke asked hesitantly.

"She reads a lot," Costia provided the least harmful piece of information she could. "The Flame is weird. It's like she can know these books by heart in a second since it's all part of what makes the Flame, but she'd rather take the time and read it page by page. Which is even weirder because time doesn't really exist in there," Costia chuckled, but Clarke could tell she was just trying to direct the conversation to something that didn't feel loaded.

"It does for her because you show up every night and she knows," Clarke pointed out and Costia was taken aback by how accurate the statement was. But the shock was very short lived. Costia knew how smart Clarke was, must have been for Lexa to fall in love with her.

Costia was, however, puzzled that Clarke chose this subject of conversation to begin with.

She realized then that they were in such a weird position. They viewed each other as friends, or on their way to become friends, good friends, even, yet at the same time they were both in love with the same person, a person that only one of them had access to, a person who was dead.

The friend part of Clarke wanted to share her pain with someone she knew would understand. The part of her that was in love with Lexa, however, knew Costia was probably the last person she should talk to about any of this.

They stared at each other wordlessly, miserably. A stalemate.

 _In a way, they resumed their relationship,_ Clarke knew.

"Will being with her in there be enough for you?" Clarke asked quietly and Costia knew Clarke was referring to the long run.

"Being with her there is as real to me as talking to you right now," Costia stated flatly. She felt criticized, as if Clarke was saying that Costia was investing herself in something that wasn't real. "If you could have this with her permanently, wouldn't you? Admit it, when you were in the City of Light wasn't there a part of you that wanted to die so you could stay?"

"There was," Clarke nodded and Costia saw the tears that threatened to fall. "I thought we'd be forever," she confessed.

"So did I," Costia added immediately and looked away. Clarke thought she never saw so much pain on someone's face as she did on Costia's just then.

"You **will** have forever," Clarke bit her lip. "Once you die." But that just made Costia feel worse. It was that little voice in her head that kept nagging at her, that kept telling her that whatever was happening between her and Lexa was only happening because she was Lexa's only option.

Costia searched Clarke's eyes to see if there was any hatred there, but there wasn't. There was just devastation.

"I watched her die," Clarke confessed and shook her head. She knew Costia would be the only one who could ever understand how that felt like.

"I'm sorry," Costia whispered and put two hands on Clarke's shoulders and squeezed. She **was** sorry. She knew that if it would've been her, the pain would've been unbearable. Instead, she got the news in a dark cell in **_Azgeda,_** from Ontari who was trying to taunt her. It worked. Even if she didn't let it show, her whole world crumbled when Ontari said the words.

"Ontari told me," Costia shared and shut her eyes, trying to push the visual away. "She came to inform me she was on her way to kill my brother."

She opened her eyes and looked into Clarke's. Clarke's eyes said "I'm sorry," but she hasn't spoken the words. They both understood in how much pain the other must have been.

"He told me it's my fault she died," Clarke finally spoke and took a step back. Costia didn't need to ask who "he" was.

"It's not. He's an old fashioned man who refused for so long to understand the world around him is changing," Costia promised. "Lexa started to help him realize that but it was too little too late and she paid the price. This is on him, not you, and he knows that, believe me, Clarke, he does."

Clarke nodded, somewhat comforted by Costia's words. When the Commander made Clarke her advisor she told Clarke they were the only two people who knew what it felt like to lose Lexa. Costia was right, it's just that Clarke never realized how strong of a bond that mutual loss could create.

"Thank you, Costia."

* * *

"You're here again," Becca noted. For a few days now, rather than showing up when Becca called her Costia would just shut her eyes and have a full conversation with the First Commander, usually leading to Costia walking into the lab and adding something to the board.

"I don't like talking to the voices in my head, Becca," Costia rolled her eyes. "This is all crazy enough. I'd rather come here and at least feel like I'm seeing you in person."

Two days earlier Titus saw her talking to herself in the hallway. Not only was it embarrassing, she really didn't want him to listen to her conversations with Becca. She knew it was her fault, too, for not being more careful, but it just added to her already growing dislike of those in-head conversation.

"I understand," Becca offered her a sympathetic smile. "I figured out how to make the cable. You might just actually hack this, Commander."

And she always meant to, it was always the plan, but all of a sudden the reality of it dawned on her and she was forced to face some possible truths that she didn't particularly want to face. The conversation she had with Clarke earlier in the day didn't help matters, either.

* * *

Costia walked into the lab with purpose, ignoring Raven as per usual. The young mechanic didn't even blink anymore. Over the course of the last few days she got used to it and knew what it meant. Abby was surprised the first time that it happened but Raven told her "it's a thing that she does," and indeed, a few minutes later Costia turned around and greeted them both.

Now she was writing again and Raven's eyes widened.

"I take it that this time it's for you?" Abby questioned once she realized she hadn't the slightest idea what was on the board.

"I think so," Raven replied and stood up.

Costia finished writing, took a breath, turned around and offered the two women a dazzling smile.

"Is that…" Raven started, a smile of her own adorning her face.

"That's how you make the cable that will help us control the Flame manually, yes," Costia confirmed. She was almost giddy.

"When do you want me to start?" Raven inquired, excitedly. It still blew her mind that they were actually doing this.

"Once we send our volunteers away. That expedition is our first priority," Costia reminded. She wanted this to work but she didn't want anything to distract them from their most important goal.

"Understood, boss," Raven saluted and Costia chuckled. For the first time in a long time the spirits were actually, genuinely high.

"Becca says you might find some helpful stuff in her pod. It's in the Commander's temple," Costia revealed. "There's a lot of dead technology in there. Once you start working on this go see if there's anything helpful in there. If Titus gives you a hard time tell him you have my permission."

"Will do. I sort of can't wait," Raven admitted.

"Me too," Costia agreed and Raven thought her eyes almost sparkled. "But expedition first."

"Expedition first," Raven repeated.

"About that," Abby smiled and picked up a bag of blood from the table, "it's ready."

"But… it's only been a week," Costia blurted in astonishment.

"Abby is just that good," Raven smiled widely.

"Her words, not mine," Abby argued. "But she's correct."

* * *

"What is it, my love?" Lexa kissed Costia's forehead and brought her naked body just a little bit closer.

Costia kept her word to come and visit her every night. If she skipped days, Lexa had no way of knowing, but she did know there were things on Costia's mind. Things that she kept from Lexa, whether because she didn't want to worry her or because she didn't want her to know, Lexa wasn't sure.

Normally, she'd let Costia process. She knew her lover their whole lives. Sometimes Costia needed time. But she seemed distant to Lexa, constantly on edge. If Costia wanted her to not worry, it backfired.

"It's everything, Alex," Costia sighed. "We're meeting volunteers in two days, people I might be sending away to die, and on top of it all I need a new Shallow Valley ambassador, and…"

"Wait, you need a new ambassador?" Lexa asked in surprise.

"Yeah, I… I dismissed him a week ago," Costia admitted.

"You didn't tell me," Lexa scolded. She didn't know how many more times she would have to tell Costia that she wanted to know about everything that happened outside the Flame. "What did he do?"

"He said I reminded him of you and made sure I knew it wasn't meant as a compliment," Costia narrowed her eyes.

Lexa bit her lip, trying hard not to laugh. Angry Costia was adorable as always, and knowing that the man lost his position because Costia was defending Lexa's honor?

It amazed her how even though everything was so different, some things, Costia things, fell right into place.

"Stop laughing," Costia ordered in annoyance.

"I'm not laughing," Lexa objected innocently and moved to stare at Costia intently, lovingly.

"What?" Costia demanded, feeling herself getting flush.

"I died and everything stopped," Lexa provided gently, putting her hand on Costia's cheek, caressing it. Costia melted into the intimate touch. "And then you came back and everything started again."

Costia swallowed hard. She wanted to tell Lexa that she loved her. She hadn't said the words yet, not since their new weird arrangement started. But she was scared that even though Lexa **did** say the words, too much between them had changed.

Instead of speaking she leaned in to capture her lover's lips, hoping she was conveying enough, hoping that Lexa understood that even though she was dead, as long as Costia was alive there was only one person for her, even if the same couldn't be said about Lexa.

When they broke the kiss Lexa hummed, closing her eyes a moment to bask in the feeling. She had no idea what was on Costia's mind. As far as she was concerned her own feelings were so very obvious.

She didn't realize how full of doubts her second half was and Costia found herself, for the first time ever, not trusting her feelings regarding Lexa's thoughts which she used to read so easily.

Lexa smiled at her, oblivious to Costia's internal struggle. Then, her expression changed, she seemed hesitant.

"You are about to ask me for something that you know I'm not going to like, aren't you?" Costia quirked her eyebrow.

"Can you tell Titus I forgive him?" Lexa pleaded, it seemed out of the blue, but Costia could tell it's been on Lexa's mind.

"No," she replied immediately.

"Cos…" Lexa tried, it was important to her, and Costia never denied her.

"He doesn't deserve it, Alex. He didn't earn it. Not yet."

Lexa wasn't sure what version of Titus Costia had to deal with in the real world. Was he being the patient, wise teacher that provided Lexa with years of good advice, or was he being the man who shot her?

Either way, she couldn't force Costia to do this. Not this. But she knew her love, and she knew that she's been heard and that when the time came, Costia would respect her wishes. Costia always did.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "He told me it's my fault she died." Episode 3X09. Titus told Clarke that he may have pulled the trigger, but Clarke was the reason Lexa died.

2\. Spoiler (massive one): If until that point Costia could take comfort in the little bubble she and Lexa were in, Becca told her that her plan of bringing Lexa back might actually work. Costia was forced to think about what things would look like if Lexa was back, and for many reasons, Costia wasn't sure Lexa's return would mean they would last. It wasn't going to prevent Costia from doing what she came back to Polis to do, but it was only a matter of time before it was going to come between them. The first signs of that are already appearing in this chapter.


	54. De Seken Chapter 53

**Chapter 53**

 _2 Days Later…_

" ** _Heda_** , I urge you to re-consider," Indra tried, struggling to keep up with Costia's pace.

"No."

"Commander, I join Indra's request," Octavia implored from Costia's other side.

"No."

They turned a corner and were about to enter the throne room.

"But…" Octavia protested.

Costia halted sharply, turned around and took a deep, frustrated breath. "How many more times will I have to repeat myself, ambassadors?"

"Apologies, **_Heda_** , but…"

"Indra!" Costia barked. "You are an ambassador. **You** _,_ " she now addressed Octavia, "are an ambassador. Both of you are new at your jobs. Octavia, you are my acid rain committee, you told me I won't be sorry for tasking you with that," she reminded in a warning.

"I know, Commander, but I want to help!" Octavia cried out.

"You **are** helping. What have I done to deserve such annoying disobedient subjects?" Costia asked no one in particular and kept walking. Raven asked her the day before as well, which Costia turned down immediately, reminding the woman that she was very much needed in Polis.

Indra and Octavia exchanged flustered looks.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Indra tried for the last time.

"No, and no. Be quiet," Costia ordered and the two women knew the argument was over.

They followed Costia into the throne room, everyone in attendance was standing to honor her. The room was full. She was pleased at the big turnout of volunteers.

"Be seated," she allowed her ambassadors but remained standing.

Octavia and Indra took their respective seats, seeming extremely displeased.

"I'm humbled by your presence," she started, addressing the people of the clans, knowing that they all understood what was at stake and what they were risking. "You are here because you want to contribute to the survival of your people, even at the expense of your own survival. I called and you answered my call, and for that, I am forever grateful," she offered gently.

"Actually, **_Heda_** ," Titus took a step forward from his post beside her throne, "this is just the first group of people that we could fit into the room. There are many more waiting in the streets outside the tower."

Costia gave him a surprised look.

 _All those men and women, wiling to lay down their lives because I asked them to._

She never wanted this kind of power, the kind that her dead lover possessed with so much grace.

"Then I will see and hear every single one of you. Some I'll decide right away, some I'll decide after I see everyone. Let us begin," she ordered and sat down, knowing that a long, emotional day was ahead of them all.

* * *

They were in the room for what felt like hours already and yet the line didn't seem to thin at all.

Costia could feel a headache starting to form. Nyko knew her well enough to notice and subtly offer her something with a glass of water.

"Bring in the next person, please," she ordered. They now kept the throne room empty because it was getting too hot after hours and hours of it being crowded with people. Groups of people were brought up from the streets in their order of arrival and waited in a nearby room.

 ** _"Dara kom trikru,"_** one of the guards announced and Costia's step-mother stepped into the room.

Costia gritted her teeth. She was not expecting this, and she did not like surprises.

 ** _"Dara,"_** she narrowed her eyes. Not everyone in the room knew who Dara was, but the few who did looked at Costia in concern.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Dara bowed, making Costia growl.

They haven't seen each other much since Costia got back, but Costia would try and see Dara for dinner every few days. She saw her the evening before and Dara never mentioned anything about volunteering, which is how Costia knew Dara neglected to tell her on purpose. She knew Costia couldn't give her special treatment, couldn't deny her in public.

 ** _"Why are you here?"_** Costia demanded. It's the same questions she asked every other person, except this time there was more edge to it. Motives were important, as was who was depending on the volunteers. She prioritized people with no families. No one depended on Dara anymore, Costia knew, but she was still the last shred of family Costia had left.

Dara chose to reply in English, making sure everyone in the room understood her.

"My husband, both my children, they all served, Commander, I want to do that too. I don't have much left in this world. I've been a bread maker all my life. I want to matter. I want to help, if I can. To make them proud," she concluded, her voice chocking.

"I'm sure they are already proud," Costia's face contorted in pain.

"I want to make **me** proud," Dara explained, begging with a stare for Costia to understand.

Costia sighed, wondering if it was just her fate to lose everyone she ever cared for.

"Do you have any family?" she asked. She knew the answer, of course, but the ambassadors had to hear it as well.

"I have a daughter," Dara admitted pulling on both their heart strings. "She's all I have left."

"And what of her? Are you willing to risk leaving her behind?" Costia challenged. It wasn't fair. Everyone who came to see her that day was willing to leave something or someone behind.

"She's so very strong, Commander. She was always the strongest one in the family," Dara pleaded, but Costia's face remained stoic. "She was always the heart of our family. She loves me, but she doesn't **need** me."

 _That's not true,_ Costia thought in anger, but deep down she knew Dara was right. Costia could hurt over the loss of Dara, but she would manage. She would overcome. She was an expert in loss by now.

"Let me be of service to our people, please," Dara begged and Costia knew that ironically enough, she wasn't capable of denying the woman who had lost almost everything. Even if what that woman was asking for could result in her death, even if she was Costia's mother.

She hated being caught off guard but she had to appreciate that this was exactly why Dara acted the way she did.

"Alright, **_Dara kom trikru,_** you'll get your wish," Costia stated coldly. "And you better take care of yourself, otherwise I think that daughter of yours might be very displeased with you."

* * *

It was early evening and the ambassadors re-joined Costia in the throne room after what was the first break they had all day. At this point it was clear that they were going to go well into the night. But Costia refused to stop, refused to make those who waited all day wait for the following morning. She wanted them to be done with it and at least the lines on the streets were much shorter now.

"You were right, Commander," the Blue Cliff ambassador admitted as he took his seat. "You asked them to come and they did." They must have seen hundreds of people already.

"Not all hope in the human race is lost, then," Costia smiled softly. They were all exhausted, but Costia was the only one who didn't let it show. She learned that lesson from Lexa ages ago. She looked to her side to find that Clarke, too, seemed completely alert and energized.

 _Birds of a feather…_ she chuckled internally.

"Bring in the next person, please," she requested, ready to continue.

 ** _"Bellamy kom skaikru,"_** the guard announced and the young man walked into the throne room.

The shift in the air was immediate. Octavia clenched her fists.

"Welcome, Bellamy. Why are you here?" she inquired as she did with everyone that day. She heard about the man and his deeds, but she was yet to exchange any words with him.

He took a deep breath and looked around.

"Everyone here knows that I took part in the massacre outside of Arkadia," he started and everyone moved in their chairs uncomfortably. Everyone, except for Costia. "There's a fair chance I'm personally involved in a loss that some of you experienced," he looked down. The Blue Cliff ambassador narrowed his eyes. "Nothing I will say will ever be enough," Bellamy looked back up. "Nothing that I do…" he swallowed hard. "It doesn't matter that I gave you Pike. It doesn't matter that I was here to help bring down the City of Light, I know that," he looked back at Octavia, then at Clarke, until eventually he returned his gaze to Costia. "The people have been asking for justice. They were never given the chance to see me punished, to pass judgment on me. I'm here because I want to help. I know I will pay for my mistakes for the rest of my life, but I'm here to offer you just that. The chance to decide my fate, the chance to pass judgment. If I die, then I die, if I live then at least I served a purpose," he concluded.

Costia understood why many followed him, why Clarke cared for him. He was charismatic. There was power in that, but there was danger, too. He knew he crossed the line, he was trying to take a step back, Costia realized.

Based on the reactions around her it was very clear that the ambassadors were fond of the idea that if anyone should risk their lives it should be the man responsible for so many lives that were lost.

"Do you have a family?" Costia asked the follow up question.

"I have a sister," he looked back at Octavia, "and friends. But mostly, I have people that I've wronged."

"You will not be a hero if you come back alive," she warned him. "The rest of the volunteers, yes, but you will not." She didn't say it to be cruel, she just knew it to be true. She knew people and how they worked.

"I understand that, Commander," and she could tell by the look in his eyes that he indeed understood.

"Alright, then. I accept your offer." He gave her a golden political opportunity to appease the ambassadors, she was going to take it. He was a soldier, too. He could easily lead the mission for her. He was a great fit and she knew it. She also knew at least one person in the room would object.

"Commander, you can not possibly send him and not me!" Octavia argued and jumped to her feet. Costia could hear movement behind her and she knew Clarke was struggling with the decision, yet she knew that if the tables were turned Clarke would've done the same. The rest of the room seemed, not surprisingly, content, for a change.

"I can do whatever I want, Octavia, and you are an ambassador! You are not going anywhere!" Costia barked. She could not allow this sort of behavior in **her** throne room. "Are you going to calm yourself or do I need to have you removed?" Costia warned, reminding Octavia instantly who she was speaking to.

"Apologies, Commander, I was out of line," Octavia offered sincerely and sat back down. She respected Costia, she **liked** Costia, the last thing she wanted was to ruin a relationship that was important to her. She didn't have many of those left.

Costia didn't respond, she simply turned back to Bellamy.

"You have my answer, Bellamy Blake. You'll report to the lab tomorrow morning."

"Yes, Commander. Thank you." He meant it. She could see that he needed this, that his conscious was heavy on him.

 _The poor man,_ she thought, _this will not help to ease your conscious at all. It might restore a few people's faith in you, though._

As he left Costia called for the next person.

 ** _"Kane kom trikru,"_** the guard announced.

"Seriously?" Costia threw her hands in the air in exasperation as Kane came into view. "Absolutely not," she spat. "Next!"

"But, Commander…" Kane tried to plead his case but Costia would have none of it.

"I appreciate the noble intent, chancellor, but you are the leader of your clan and so you are indispensable. Would you have **me** go?" she didn't know how much more of this will for self-sacrifice she could take from people who were clearly extremely valuable.

"No, Commander, but…"

"It's as if you two are related," she addressed Indra in frustration. "Go to the lab to say hello to the good Doctor," Costia snapped at the man, "then go home to your people. Go to where you are needed the most," she glared at him.

He nodded in acceptance. He knew she was right, but he had to try. He couldn't sit idle when some of his people were chosen to go. But Costia ordered him to act from his head and not from his heart. Arkadia was still fragile, he knew that Abby would scold him as well once she realized what he was trying to do.

A few more sky people came after. Including Nathan Miller and his boyfriend Bryan. They offered to go together. Costia was hesitant to take people from the Arkadian's guard, but she knew the expedition needed its own security. Between the two men and Bellamy, she felt a little more at ease.

Then, Emori and Murphy walked in. Clarke seemed surprised and got up, stepping forward to stand by Costia who was sitting on her throne, eyeing the couple intently.

"Murphy?" Clarke asked in puzzlement. "What are you doing here?"

"I guess I'm not done mixing myself up in life threatening situations," he shrugged. There was a part of Clarke that felt like she owed him her life, all of their lives.

"You don't have to do this," she told him. "You've done plenty."

"She wants to go," he gestured at Emori. "And where she goes, I go. Besides, maybe it's a new me," he quirked his eyebrow at her. "The guy who is a helpful member of society."

Clarke smirked. Costia gave her a questioning look, as if to ask if Clarke approved, and Clarke nodded in confirmation.

"Then I guess we need to know why **you** want to go, Emori," Costia offered the woman a soft smile.

Emori took out the hand that she was hiding under the bag that she was carrying, showing everyone in presence her deformation.

Some ambassadors gasped, Costia didn't even flinch.

"People like me always felt like we had one choice, to run. We were cast away," Emori explained matter-of-factly. Whatever the ambassadors around her were thinking, she didn't care. She was there for Costia. "You welcomed us. You see us as equal. I played a big part in helping ALIE, leading to what happened with the City of Light," she admitted in shame. "My brother is dead, the only person I have in this world is John, and he wants to come with me." Murphy nodded to confirm that he was doing so willingly and without any qualms.

"You wanted people from all clans, and you wanted sky people because their blood is different. You must also want people who were already affected by radiation, because there are many of us, and we'd like to survive, too," she concluded confidently.

Costia smirked. "You are quite receptive. But you two also have a bit of a rogue history, don't you?" Costia challenged. She wasn't going to put the other people in her expedition in danger, especially not when Nightblood was involved even if the people around her didn't know about it.

"I never had a leader who wanted to include me," Emori explained and took a step toward Costia. Titus was quick to come and stand between them but Costia waved him off. "It's alright, Titus."

"I've come to love who I am," Emori continued, grateful that Costia would listen. "But the world is lonely when you are always on the run, always remote. I don't want that anymore. If we can accept people who fell from the sky we can also accept our own people who were born with a… condition. Right?"

"Right," Costia agreed right away. "And I accept your offer, especially since it seems like Clarke here vouches for Murphy," Costia noted and stood up to match height with the young woman. "But if you come back and I hear you caused any sort of grief or trouble, there will be a price to pay."

"We will behave, Commander. I swear," Murphy stepped forward to stand next to his partner. "I'm telling you, a helpful member of society."

"I guess we'll have to wait and see," Costia concluded with a dangerous smile. "But I accept your offer. And I will see you in the lab tomorrow morning."

* * *

"How many more?" Costia inquired when dawn was breaking.

"Only one more man, **_Heda,_** " her guard replied curtly and everyone in the room sighed in relief.

"Good, let him in."

 ** _"Brennan kom trikru,"_** the guard announced and a man walked in timidly. Costia recognized him immediately. Based on the look on Indra's face, the ambassador, even if spotting something familiar, didn't know who he was at first glance.

 ** _"Heda,"_** he bowed respectfully.

"Brennan, funny, I never knew your name, I apologize," she offered and everyone in the room looked at her in surprise, realizing that she knew the man. "Why are you here, **_Brennan kom trikru_**? You have a family, this much I know."

"Please, **_Heda_** , what I've done has been a shameful stain on my family. They want me to go, they want me to restore the family's honor."

She scanned his face intently.

"And what do **you** want?" she demanded. "Your family members aren't the ones who are putting their lives at risk," she pointed out, "you are."

He got down on his knees in front of her. "They love me, **_Heda_** , they want this because they know it's been burdening my heart. I very much want to go," he pleaded. She bored her eyes into him, wondering what to make of him.

"Please," he begged, "please let me be more than just the man who killed the Commander's father."

All eyes were now on him, shocked. Costia's didn't flinch.

Indra looked at him in amazement, now realizing why the man looked familiar.

 _She let him go,_ Indra realized. Costia took the man to the forest years ago to take his life after he accidentally took Nardo's. Indra never knew the man was spared.

Titus scanned Costia's face. Nardo died when Costia was already a **_Fosgona,_** Titus knew enough to understand who the man was.

 _Compassion,_ Titus thought, wondering if it wasn't the life time with Costia that made Lexa who she was, and vice versa. _One of the three pillars._

Costia gritted her teeth.

Clarke and Octavia, not knowing Costia's full history, were at a complete loss. Clarke wasn't even sure if the man referred to Costia's father or Lexa's.

But then Costia spoke again. "You better not be doing this for me," she warned flatly. "I don't need this from you." Clarke looked at Costia in puzzlement. Every time she thought she figured Costia out, another missing piece presented itself.

"I am doing this for **me** ," he vowed. "I took a man's life. I haven't been able to look in my children's eyes since. Please, you gave me my life years ago, but I haven't been living. I am asking for your kindness now, even though I know I deserve nothing from you. I wish for you to grant me this favor."

 _Why not?_ Costia wondered. _I'll send him on a weeks long mission with Dara, that will be entertaining._ She knew she was cruel for thinking that way, she knew she would have to speak to Dara. But her step-mom forced her hand, showed a little disobedience even though the woman had no business going on a mission like this, even though she knew it might result in Costia having no one left. This was Costia's little revenge.

"Very well, **_Brennan kom trikru._** By all means, go, see if you can balance the scales. But you'll find that you can't, and for that I am truly sorry."

She got up, knowing the day was over, and left the room and all the surprised people in it behind her.

* * *

Notes:

1\. I know that to many people Bellamy is not redeemable. I'm not saying that he is and as you can see, neither did Costia. Even he understood that. But this story is often times about people who can not redeem themselves, yet they don't stop trying. That's true for almost every single character, Clarke, Costia, Titus, Octavia and even Lexa. For Lexa, knowing that Costia was alive all this time and she didn't do anything about it is devastating.

2\. Brennan and Nardo's unfortunate story - this happened in volume 1, chapter 34. I always had the feeling that I might want to let him and Costia meet again in the future of the story. It was symbolic for me that when she spared his life long ago in the woods, she told him "blood must not have blood," and yet in the future, now, she ended up having his blood, quite literally. I don't like loose ends either, so it was important for me to show what became of him.


	55. De Seken Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

She didn't sleep. It was pointless. They spent most of the night seeing volunteers from the clans, there wasn't much night left.

"I guess there's no need for me to point out that we can't practice this morning?" Clarke joked once people started scattering out of the throne room.

Costia chuckled. "There's already light out, Clarke," Costia gestured at the window. "We missed dawn, so… your window of no public embarrassment is now closed. I suggest you get some sleep. Practicing every day isn't always beneficial, either," she pointed out.

"Aren't you going to sleep?" Clarke asked in surprise. She knew that for Costia a night sleep meant more than just rest, it meant Lexa.

"Too much to do. The volunteers will be in the lab in a couple of hours. Sleeping now will just mean I'll be drowsy when I speak to them," Costia explained and Clarke understood the reasoning.

" ** _Heda_** ," Titus joined them, "how do you want me to proceed?"

"We need to move our volunteers to Polis, Titus. We have to start the process as soon as possible," Costia clarified. "They can't leave, they have to start getting the injections today and receive injections three times a day for the next six weeks. So for each one of them we need to send someone to their villages and collect their belongings. Be it a family member or someone else. And we have to see if they have families and check if those families want to move with them, we'll allow it and accommodate it. If the volunteers are the breadwinners of their families we must compensate the families weekly from this moment on, until they return from the expedition."

"How do we do that?" Clarke wondered.

"We provide their material needs," Costia explained. "Food supplies, clothes. These people bring honor to their villages, I'm sure local businesses would be happy to contribute."

"I agree, **_Heda_** ," Titus nodded. "We should send a representative to the villages to inquire at the stores, and also start planning for the expedition. We'll need supplies."

"People will donate," Clarke added with certainty. "We should send the ambassadors. Each to their own clan. They understand what's at stake now. And they saw today just how many people willingly put their trust in you," Clarke offered Costia a sweet smile. She herself found that she trusted Costia, believed in the young Commander. It was amazing what impression Costia managed to leave on her in less than a month.

They may have only chosen eleven volunteers, but they've seen hundreds of people, and Costia was very proud of that. There was even one **_Azgedian_** and Costia knew it showed a shift, and showed just how serious Roan was about turning a new leaf.

She was also proud that the majority of the volunteers were **_trikru_** , her own people, whom, she knew, showed up for **her** , and **_skaikru_** , showing the rest of the clans that the sky people were ready to sacrifice, to pitch in.

* * *

 ** _"Here, this will help you stay awake,"_** Nyko handed her a mug.

 ** _"What is it? Some weird energy potion?"_** she asked and took huge gulp.

 ** _"You can say so,"_** Nyko smirked, **_"it's ale."_**

The moment the liquid touched her tongue Costia spit it out in disgust. Nyko was laughing out loud. Costia wasn't as pleased. Her romance with alcohol ended the day after she fell asleep in Lexa's room, drunk, months before their conclave.

 ** _"Are you certain it's not actually poison?"_** she glared at him.

 ** _"Drink up, Heda,"_** he teased. **_"I'm going to gather a few things. I'll join you in the lab soon."_**

 ** _"Is that the secret ingredient in all your medicines? Alcohol?"_** she snarled after him but he never turned around.

She huffed but it was all just an act. As a matter of fact, she longed for these moments that reminded her that she was also Costia, not just the Commander. Those moments became far and few. She suspected this was one of the crucial roles she played in Lexa's life. The place where Lexa could be Lexa. Her oasis.

The moment Costia stepped into the lab Abby was on her.

"I want Jackson to go," she demanded. "Someone should take their vitals once they get there, while they get closer, too," she explained in near desperation.

"Good morning to you, too, Doctor Griffin," Costia offered with a grimace, realizing that maybe the incognito drink in her hand wasn't the worst idea ever. She drank some more and finally spoke in regard to Abby's declaration.

"It's pointless to think about the vitals. They'll be outside our radio range so they won't be able to report back and to send an additional person when there's no guarantee those samples will even survive? I won't do that and I will not deprive Arkadia of its doctor," Costia declined with finality.

"The research will be useful," Abby tried.

" **If** he survives and comes back with it. **If** it's viable. And if he doesn't come back? We'll have one less doctor and you'd know you encouraged me to send a man to his death," Costia pointed out. She didn't try to sound harsh, but she suspected she was sounding very Commander-like.

"He wants to help," Abby begged.

"He **is** helping, as a doctor in Arkadia," Costia pointed out the obvious.

"He feels guilty, Commander," Abby tried a different tactic. "For hurting me, for aiding in hurting Raven. For the City of Light."

"I understand, but it doesn't change the cold hard truth and that's that we need him here. Frankly, I'm surprised you are suggesting it," Costia scolded. She needed the grownups in leadership positions around her to act based on logic and not emotion and in less than twenty-four hours she had both Indra and Kane trying to convince her to let them go on a suicide mission and now Abby was trying to convince her to send away their only other doctor.

"I feel responsible," Abby confessed miserably. "It's me he feels mostly guilty about."

"Dr. Griffin, we all feel guilty," Costia reminded matter-of-factly. "Some of us feel guilty for things we have no business feeling guilty about, some of us share with others the guilt about certain things. I can't afford helping people with their guilt right now. I'm trying to help us **live** ," she concluded exhaustingly, hoping that the other woman would drop the subject so they could prepare for their group of volunteers which was scheduled to join them soon.

"Is that why you gave us our side project?" Abby challenged. "Because you're **not** trying to help people with their guilt? Because it seems to me like you're trying to help yourself with your own guilt."

And just like that Costia was enraged.

 _Guilt is not why I'm doing this._

"You forget yourself, Doctor Griffin. I may have entrusted you with this, but I am still your Commander, you will not use this against me and you will do as I say."

"I'm sorry, Commander, it was a low blow," Abby regretted immediately. She knew better than to take advantage of the young woman's kindness like she just did. And furthermore, she hated knowing that she truly offended Costia. "I have no excuse. It's just… what would you do if a person you cared about felt guilty because of something that happened to you even though it wasn't their fault? Wouldn't you try to fix it?"

Costia's features softened and she sighed heavily.

"Every night I go to her and I tell her," she started, looking away from Abby. "With my looks, and body and words, that what happened to me wasn't her fault. It never sinks in, it never changes anything. That's just not how guilt works. I should know."

Nyko walked into the lab, his satchel crossed over his chest and another mug in his hand. He tried to offer it to Costia.

"No!" she objected. "No more!"

"What is it?" Abby asked, wondering why Costia seemed so aghast.

"Just water," Nyko shrugged, "I have no idea what she has against water."

"Nyko," she warned him. She may have been a relatively easy going Commander, but she still had to maintain the sense of separation. She couldn't let her friends be so casual in front of everyone. Not until Costia's own relationship with those people deepened. Trusting them with personal related tasks was one thing, it was almost easy because it skirted on the professional border. Being entirely casual with them was something that she had to grow into.

"I'm sorry, Commander," Nyko apologized immediately, understanding exactly what she was trying to tell him. "As a matter of fact, I'm here because I wanted something and I was hoping our earlier encounter would help to… ease your mind about it."

"What is it?" she rolled her eyes. Of course he gave her alcohol because he wanted her to say yes to something. She didn't drink enough to even get tipsy. She wouldn't dare when she had such important business to attend to. Plus, the ale burned her throat. It wasn't at all a nice experience.

"I want to join the expedition," he declared confidently.

Costia remained stoic as she scanned his face. She wasn't even surprised.

Abby, on her end, was scanning Costia's face. Clearly, Nyko had no idea what transpired in the room only moments before he entered. Still, Abby was wondering how Costia would handle this.

"Are you and Dara trying to leave me family-less and friendless?" she finally growled.

And she was **just** thinking about those rare moments of being treated like Costia. With Dara and Nyko gone, these moments will be even more rare, and if they never returned that might be a permanent thing.

"I can help," he pointed out cautiously.

"I **just** told the good doctor she can't send Jackson, what makes you think I can send you?"

"Because you want them to make it there, right? They need care on the way," he pointed out. "And on the way back. They are your precious cargo. What if they suffer from dehydration? Or burns? Allergic reaction to something? Infection? You can't spare the only doctor we have beside Abby, but you can spare me," he insisted and Costia quirked her eyebrow at Abby as if to say "see? Even this silly man gets it."

"You know I can just send any healer from Polis, right?" she challenged.

"You know Polis healers are shit," he reminded, he's been saying that for years.

"So you want to leave **me** with them? What am I going to do without you?"

"You have Abby," he gestured at the doctor who gave Costia a sympathetic smile.

Costia had to admit he had a point. They managed to choose volunteers that could fulfill other roles besides being lab rats. Miller, Brian and Bellamy were the security detail with Bellamy being the natural leader of the group. Dara would take care of food, Costia knew. Her step-mom could do more than just bake bread. So would Brenann who was a farmer. Emori would be a great navigator. And Murphy?

 _He'd be in charge of morale,_ she couldn't help but laugh internally at her own thought.

They needed someone with medical experience. Someone who kept them healthy in case they actually survived. That someone was Nyko, her last living best friend.

"Fine," she gritted her teeth. "You win."

* * *

"Good night, my love," Lexa greeted her when she appeared in the cabin, finding Lexa reading in bed comfortably. It became a familiar picture.

"Actually, Alex, it's the middle of the day," Costia admitted sheepishly.

"Oh?" Lexa was intrigued. "Are you early, or late?" she teased. She was beginning to miss the concept of time. It was weird, to miss Costia and feel like she was being needy and not knowing how long it actually been since she saw her last. Costia was her only connection to the real world. Costia was, in a way, Lexa's life line, which she was really happy to have considering she was dead. And she knew that the fact that it was Costia, of all people, was a blessing.

"I'm late," Costia admitted. "I didn't sleep at all last night. By the time we were done seeing volunteers it was dawn." She lay down next to Lexa, facing her lover. "I'm currently taking a little afternoon nap."

"Does that mean there was a good turn out?" Lexa questioned with a soft smile.

"Hundreds of people," Costia provided proudly. "We ended up choosing twelve."

"I knew they'd come for you," Lexa sated confidently. "I suspect some of them came just to get a chance to look at you. Stories of your beauty traveled far and wide."

"Alex…" Costia scolded bashfully. But Lexa had no shame nor did she think that she was exaggerating. Back when they were both alive and together every one knew of them. And now that Costia miraculously reappeared, Lexa knew people probably wanted to witness the new Commander with their own eyes.

Lexa also knew that even though she and Costia had the potential of forever now, in their unique circumstances, nothing would ever feel like enough when it came to making up for lost time. So she would stare at her love and compliment her as often as she could.

"You know that I'm right," Lexa offered softly and caressed Costia's cheek.

She wanted to kiss her, but Costia seemed bothered, and Lexa felt that nagging feeling again, like something was wrong.

"Hey," she started gently. "I'm here, and I've been a Commander for a while. Use it, okay? Tell me. I can help."

 _I wish I could take all of this away from you. This wasn't supposed to be your burden. I wish we could share it like we used to,_ Lexa thought.

Costia searched her lover's eyes, not sure she wanted to talk but knowing that if she were to talk to anyone about it, it would be Lexa.

"Dara volunteered," Costia finally confessed.

Lexa seemed utterly shocked.

"She wanted to go," Costia added, "she wanted to matter and… I let her. She looked like she needed this and from a neutral point of view, she has no family to come back to."

"She has you," Lexa argued.

"Well, she made it very clear that while I love her, I don't need her," Costia repeated her step-mother's words. "She knows. She knows that the only person that I need to actually exist and not resemble the shell I was back in **_Azgeda_** is you."

Lexa gave Costia a loaded look. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't not think about the fact that while she was with Clarke, her first love, her second half, was rotting in **_Azgeda._**

"If he had to die I wish he would've at least ascended first," Costia noted darkly. She was on a roll, she didn't even notice Lexa's inner struggle. Lexa, though, knew that she was talking about Aden now. "At least that way he would've been here, with you," Costia concluded.

"That would've been lovely," Lexa agreed in sorrow. "I'm so sorry you missed the last three years of his life. He grew up to be wonderful, like you. Well, not like you, no one is wonderful as you are," Lexa added bittersweetly, "but he grew up to be someone you'd be so proud of."

"And you are to thank for that," Costia pointed out, happily at first, but it was just another reminder of all the things Lexa did while she was imprisoned in **_Azgeda._** That look appeared on her face again, like she was with Lexa but actually far, far away. Lexa couldn't take it anymore.

"You've been distant, Cos. What is it?"

Costia looked at Lexa in surprise. She didn't think her feelings showed. She used to be so good at masking how she really felt. But Lexa knew her well, and maybe Costia forgot after all, what it was like being around Lexa.

"It's nothing, Alex," she brushed off.

"You can't lie to me, not anymore." Lexa sighed. She was going to take a gamble regarding what this was about.

She knew it couldn't do with what was happening inside the Flame. When it was only the two of them they were fine, for the most part. But outside? Outside is where there was the thing they haven't discussed much. The person Costia did mention when they first reunited. Lexa hoped she could ease Costia's doubts, but outside the Flame, in the real world, Costia saw and closely worked with the person Lexa was with when she believed Costia was gone. The hardest thing about it all was that Lexa couldn't bring herself to regret it, and that made her feel even worse. If Costia would have ever been captured it would've been a different story. But for years Lexa thought Costia was dead, and a part of her died with Costia. And then Clarke came along and reminded her that life was about more than just surviving. She couldn't regret that, except that she realized now, life of surviving was all Costia had for years, too. Maybe Costia had that little hope of escaping one day and reuniting with Lexa, and then she heard about Clarke. Lexa shook her head. Imagining what that must have felt like hurt too much.

She put her hand on Costia's hip, subconsciously feeling like she couldn't let Costia disappear, not again, not ever.

"At some point you'll have to forgive me, because I'm here, and you're here and that's not something I ever thought would happen again. Ever," she chocked on her words.

But it made things worse, because Lexa didn't get it, didn't get how much it mattered to Costia to know that what they shared wasn't just because Costia was Lexa's current only option.

Lexa did see however that her words didn't have the desirable effect and shook her head.

"The irony is that I think that you have less issues with Clarke than you have with me."

Costia snorted.

"It's like everyone expected me to make an enemy of her, so maybe I'm trying extra hard," she shrugged.

"You two have much in common," Lexa noted carefully. She was glad the two women she loved got along.

"Yes, we both have a dead lover," Costia stated coldly. She didn't want to be talking about this. She spent her time deliberately avoiding discussing this with Lexa. She knew it would make her lose her footing. She needed to focus. Lexa was her escape. If she couldn't even escape with her…

"Cos…"

"Also Titus didn't particularly like either of us. But I think that's actually changing," Costia allowed herself an actual smile. It made Lexa consider something she never did before.

"Are you two…?" she tried hesitantly.

"No," Costia shut her down quickly. Lexa saw anger in her eyes.

"It'll be okay if you did," she offered softly. It wasn't exactly a lie. She knew that though they would eventually have forever, Costia hopefully had years more to live. Lexa didn't want her to be alone. She knew what it felt like. If it had to be anyone, it better be Clarke. The two women she adored would take care of each other's hearts. It might even balance the scales and make her feel less guilty.

"No." Costia repeated, with more edge this time.

"Why not?"

"I'm not looking to find someone," Costia sighed.

"I wasn't looking either," Lexa reminded, "I gave up on that part of my life."

"Well, I didn't," Costia spat and tried to move away, making Lexa tighten the grip over her hip.

"Good, then maybe we should talk about this. About what's happening in the real world and what you deserve," Lexa continued cautiously.

"No."

"Costia are you only going to say no today?" Lexa scolded and Costia rolled her eyes.

"Sometimes it's just about timing, okay?" she tried to explain. "I met you first, you are my love."

"But I'm dead," Lexa pointed out softly.

"Not to me, not here," Costia finally untangled herself and stood up. She was angry and the close proximity to Lexa was, ironically, suffocating. "Stop pushing me away, it hurts me when you do that," she added brokenly.

"Cos I'm not pushing you away why would you even…" and then it finally hit her. "You think I only want you because you are here," she uttered in shock, sitting herself up. "Tell me you don't actually believe that," she ordered.

Costia locked eyes with her and Lexa could see the tears threatening to fall.

"I can't," Costia finally admitted. It shattered Lexa's heart to pieces.

 _How do I fight this?_ She wondered.

She was with Clarke, she thought Costia was dead, she could have never foreseen what kind of devastating consequences that would eventually have. She could have never foreseen that she would destroy her second half's heart.

She took a cautious step toward Costia and grabbed her lover's hands.

"I just… All I'm saying is that I want you to live your life and be happy," she was desperate for Costia to understand that this wasn't about not wanting her. Or even worse, wanting her just because she was the only thing Lexa could have. "And when your time comes, I'll be here. I'll be waiting for you. Always."

"Not interested," Costia took a step back letting Lexa's hands drop. "I have no desire waiting until I'm dead to be with you. You and I waited for each other half our lives. We're not going to wait for death, too. You're already dead. How much more waiting can the world expect us to do? I'll take what can."

"So you want this because you think this is all you can have but you're mad at me because you think **I** want this since it's the only thing I can have?" Lexa observed angrily.

"Alex…"

"No, Costia. No! How can you even…" she turned around from her. She was more than just upset, she was hurt. If she had to wait all of her lives and deaths for Costia, she would. The fact that what she's done made Costia not believe in that anymore was more than she could handle. She took a deep breath and turned back to her lover. "I spent so much time trying not to think about you," she made the heart wrenching admission. "It hurt too much. I became numb at some point, I pushed all memories of you away. I put your things away. I couldn't…" she bit her lip, very clearly trying to stop herself from crying. "And then Clarke came along and it might hurt to hear this but realizing that my heart wasn't done loving allowed me to let you in again. Memories of you, all of you. And I didn't realize how much I missed it. How much I should've never pushed it away, and it took Clarke to let me feel close to you again, close to what I lost."

"I know you're trying to make me feel better but it's not working, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be stubborn," Costia looked down, but Lexa came toward her with urgency. She cupped Costia's face and made her look up.

"Costia, I love you," she stated so sincerely, with so such desperation.

But after everything that happened Costia just wished that it would've been as easy for her to believe the words as it seemed to have been for Lexa to say them.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "Her romance with alcohol ended the day after she fell asleep in Lexa's room, drunk." Volume 1, chapter 28.

2\. Nyko **has** been saying forever that Polis are shit. Volume 1 sort of forever.


	56. De Seken Chapter 55

**Chapter 55**

 _One Week Later…_

She'd go and see Lexa every night, and Lexa would take every opportunity to tell her that she loved her, to show her that she loved her. At some point it made Costia realize that the problem wasn't believing that Lexa loved her, it was believing that if Lexa could choose, she'd choose her. Costia had known for a while that this was what's bothering her, but she finally admitted it to herself. She didn't want to feel that way, it made her feel petty. She couldn't help it, though.

But she got to love Lexa and be loved in return, and just like she told the love of her life, she was going to take what she could for as long as she could.

It's not like she was in the position of allowing herself to get distracted. The week brought with it so many challenges. For starters, the volunteers moved into the tower. Titus initially objected but when Costia pointed out their volunteers were practically Polis officials now he had to admit that she wasn't wrong.

Now that the first week of injections was over, though, there was something else she had to face, and she wasn't exactly thrilled about it.

She was pacing back and forth in the clinic, waiting for Dara and Bellamy to arrive, meanwhile driving Abby crazy.

The amused doctor was currently shaking her head.

"What?" Costia snapped. She didn't like being made fun of.

"Nothing, just…" Abby bit her lip. "You so badly wanted me to tell no one, not even Clarke, that you gave me a sample of your blood, yet here we are."

"Well," Costia rolled her eyes and started pacing again, "circumstances and all that."

Abby nodded in understanding. She knew that by doing what they were about to do, Costia was putting herself in a vulnerable position. She understood just how cautious Costia had to be with this choice.

Clarke walked into the room a moment later.

"Are you sure about him?" Costia asked immediately, not even bothering with greetings.

"Yes, Commander, you've seen the look on his face," Clarke pointed out. "He longs so much for a chance to redeem himself. A part of me is envious that he'd get that opportunity."

"Don't be. It won't change a thing for him," Costia stated coldly. But Clarke was right. She **did** see the look on his face. He would do whatever it takes.

"I know it won't, but he'd still try. Trust me on this," Clarke requested.

"You know that I do," Costia offered in seriousness.

Clarke appreciated it. While Bellamy seemed like a natural choice, it wasn't an easy call. But Costia did what she promised she'd do. She listened to Clarke's council, and Clarke had faith in him.

"And Dara?" Clarke had to ask. When it came to Bellamy, she knew what she was dealing with. She couldn't say the same about Dara.

"Imagine you were me in this scenario, and Dara was your mom," Costia gestured at Abby who was silently listening to the conversation between the two women. "I trust her with my life."

"Understood," Clarke provided immediately.

Costia sighed. "Where the hell are they? I really want to be done with all of this."

Just as if they heard her plea, Dara, Bellamy and Nyko walked in, escorted by guards.

 ** _"We brought them, like you asked, Heda,"_** Thomas bowed.

 ** _"Thank you, Thomas. Please leave us, all of you."_**

They did as they were ordered.

"And Titus?" Clarke asked cautiously.

"I didn't think he'd want to be here. This might just be the last straw," Costia explained and Clarke nodded.

"Cos… Commander," Dara tried to cover up, making Costia smirk. "You asked for us?"

"Yes."

"Why?" the older woman questioned in worry, "is there something wrong with our blood? Are the injections not working?" she seemed desperate. She was still upset with Costia, and the numerous injections took their toll, but Dara still wanted to do her part and to hear after everything she'd been through that she couldn't participate would've been devastating.

"Nothing is wrong, Dara," Costia assured, "as a matter of fact, you are here because of a… sensitive, blood related issue."

Nyko tensed up, as if he had an idea, or a fraction of one, of what was coming.

"What's going on?" Bellamy inquired, intrigued. He seemed somewhat worried and tired.

 _He dreams,_ Costia knew. _About those who died because of him. About his regrets._ With ALIE happening he may have not had the time to really process, but now, when in a way someone else was responsible and he just had to show up and be a lab rat, he had time to think. And thoughts meant guilt. And guilt meant being haunted and losing sleep. The only reason she could sleep through her guilt was because she slipped into the place where the subject of her guilt was waiting for her, loving her.

"Nyko," she turned to her friend, ignoring Dara and Bellamy's questioning eyes for a while longer, "you are here to observe, and to know the facts so you can be of use monitoring them on the field."

"Monitoring what?" he asked between gritted teeth.

 _Here goes nothing,_ she mentally took a deep breath.

"You both started with the same injections as everyone else, because the beginning of the process is very similar and we wanted to see how your body reacts to it, but moving forward you'll get different injections."

"Why?" Dara asked suspiciously. There was something in her daughter's eyes, something that she didn't like.

Costia turned to the table behind her and picked up a tube with black fluid in it, showing it to them.

"No," Nyko objected right away. Logically he had to come to terms with the truth regarding the Nightblood, but he wasn't okay with risking Costia's position like this.

"What is the meaning of this, child?" Dara crossed her arms and glared.

"I think you mean Commander, mother," Costia gave the woman a warning look.

Dara looked down in shame. It was so hard to treat Costia like anything other than Costia sometimes. But they had to learn to do it with Lexa years ago, and she should've done it now.

"I'm sorry," she offered, but Costia simply stared at her without replying.

"Yes, we're turning you into **_Natblida_** ," she confirmed and Nyko growled. "I need to be practical. If the regular new blood doesn't work but Nightblood does, we have to use it."

"And turn every single person into a **_Natblida_**?" Nyko protested. "How exactly is our political system going to survive that?"

"There will be no political system if **we** don't survive," Costia reminded calmly. "More than that. I need to know that **I** can survive this. If I alter my blood, my body will reject the Flame," she pointed out and Dara's face went white. She didn't consider this. "And what about undiscovered Nightbloods? Presumably kids? I don't even know if altering our blood would work."

"You need to send Nightbloods," Bellamy acknowledged in acceptance. "You need to know you don't have to alter your blood, and you need a plan B."

 ** _"But why him?"_** Nyko demanded, looking at Bellamy who didn't exactly have a hard time guessing what was being asked. He, too, was surprised by his selection.

"He has the most to prove and I need a sky person, too," Costia explained, not shying away of letting Bellamy know that he wasn't being trusted. She knew it'd just make him want to prove himself even more.

"First you make me go with the man who killed you father and now this?" Dara couldn't hide her anger. It was more than anger, it was heartbreak. "You're not supposed to mess with the sacred blood. Your brother carried it, your father's ancestors carried it…"

" **I** carry it," Costia cut her off. "Which you all seem to be forgetting. The First Commander created it so she could be compatible with the Flame. It was for survival. This is no different. And who's more worthy than the mother of two Nightbloods and the binded one of a man like father?" Costia challenged.

No one said a word and Clarke had to admire the way Costia shut them all up. Bellamy was one thing, he was trying hard to play by the rules, but standing up to her own best friend and step-mother was a different story.

"You can't tell anyone," Costia warned. "I considered not even telling you, but I don't want you to be surprised if something happens and you suddenly bleed black," she admitted and saw the accepting, defeated looks on their faces.

"Costia…" Dara tried.

"Dara, you wanted to be here, now you have to live with the fact that I trust you more than anyone," Costia offered softly.

Dara nodded. She knew Costia was right. She knew she herself wouldn't trust anyone else with her daughter's blood. She knew she made the most sense as a selection.

"And you," Costia continued and turned to Bellamy, "you will have no claims to the Commandership," she told him in a tone that let him know she will make him pay if he made things hard for her. "And if the red blood works we will start altering you back the moment you return if we can."

He nodded. "I understand, Commander. Frankly," he hesitated, "I'd never want your job."

She huffed. She didn't want her job, either.

"Good. Then let's get started."

* * *

Costia was standing above a table, scanning the pages of a book she hadn't opened in years.

Clarke approached her cautiously, not wanting to startle her. When she noticed the book she realized she had seen it before. She'd seen Lexa with it. It was an atlas.

"Where did you get that?" Clarke inquired, startling Costia after all. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I actually tried to not startle you but I forgot that was my goal half way through the room," she offered Costia a smile which was returned.

"Tell no one that you managed to sneak up on me," Costia ordered. "I have a reputation to maintain."

"I promise," Clarke vowed, putting her hand on her chest. "So, the atlas? It was Lexa's, wasn't it?"

Costia swallowed hard and turned to look at the pages again.

"It was my mother's first," she admitted.

"You gave it to her," Clarke realized and Costia confirmed with a nod. "I'm sorry," Clarke added. "I never know if I should ask these things or not. I don't know where the line is," she confessed.

"I want you to be able to ask me anything you want," Costia shrugged. "It's going to hurt. Just like it can hurt you if I'll ask about her."

"Which you can do," Clarke stated. None of this was particularly fun for either of them, but she liked that they were forming an actual bond. She liked that she could tell Costia trusted her and valued her opinion, and even though she knew that in a way Costia and Lexa were… whatever it is they were, inside the Flame, Clarke also liked that Costia understood her loss. Lexa was never Clarke's friend. Lexa was the girl Clarke loved. And her other friends could never understand her completely. And then there was Costia, who came out of nowhere, and who was her friend, and whom understood her. Clarke didn't realize just how much she needed that and she suspected Costia needed that, too.

"I know I can, Clarke, thank you," Costia smiled weakly.

She didn't really want to know. Unlike Clarke, who was placing pieces about Lexa's life together, who wanted to know, Costia already knew all about Lexa's life. And when it came to the relatively short period of time during which she was absent and during which Lexa fell in love with someone else, Costia really didn't want to know.

"Why are we looking at the book?" Clarke questioned and took a step forward to stand by Costia's side and scan the pages as well. "Are you trying to figure out where we're sending our people?"

"Yes I am," Costia confirmed with a smile. She appreciated the fact that Clarke realized it straight away. "Actually, it's already been figured out."

"Really?" Clarke smirked. Costia was as quick as always. "And where is that?"

"We're sending them where Florida used to be," Costia provided and pointed at the page. "There are a few power plants in close proximity there. I suspect that if we really want to try to face radiation where it's at its worst, that's a good spot."

"I think I agree with you, Commander," Clarke complimented the idea. Costia was right. And Florida was relatively close to where they were. Relatively.

"How do we get them there?" she voiced her concern. But Costia didn't seem concerned. Clarke thought that she looked determined.

"Leave that to me."


	57. De Seken Chapter 552

**A/N:**

I promised more than once that we will meet Luna and the time has come. Since this story is a bit of a spin-off, one in which Luna never existed, having her for a chapter would be a spin-off to the spin-off, a world in which Lexa's class of novitiates was 10 people instead of 9. In that scenario Luna ran away, and Lexa spared Costia's life.

I didn't want this chapter to ruin the organic fluidity of the story, so those of you who don't want to read it can skip it without missing something that is too crucial to the story. This bonus chapter is for those of you who really wanna feel like this whole thing could still be canon, and not an alternate version of the events. Kinda giving you the feeling that hypothetically, even though Luna doesn't exist in the "mother story," she could've been a part of it, and it could still technically be canon one day (keeping in mind all of this was written months and months before season 4.)

 **Chapter 55.2**

She'd never been there before but Lincoln told her all about it. She found the leaf she needed in his book after asking for Octavia's permission to look through it.

She started a fire when they arrived, her face subtly twitched when she felt the heat. She threw the leaf in, waiting for the flame's color to change.

Titus was standing by her side, alert.

" ** _You don't have to worry, Fleimkapa. They are still one of the clans and I'm still their Heda,"_** she reminded.

 ** _"They are the clan that seems to have deserted Polis in our time of need, and their own ambassador never leaves the city. They have their own leader. I'm not even sure they know of everything that happened,"_** he pointed out.

 ** _"I'm well aware of all of that, yet I can be quite persuasive if need be."_**

He nodded. He knew she was right. He'd seen her overcome obstacle after obstacle in the short time since she's been back. He knew that she more than just wanted this, she **needed** this. So she was bound to make it happen.

 ** _"I still wish you'd let me bring more guards,"_** he admitted.

 ** _"They would've done more harm than good in this specific case. Believe me, we won't need them."_**

She was right about that, too. They didn't come to threaten, they've come to negotiate, to ask for help.

They stood there quietly and waited.

Eventually, a group of men appeared out of nowhere. But Costia knew, it wasn't out of nowhere, they had a boat. They were, after all, the boat people.

 ** _"Who are you?"_** one man demanded. **_"Why did you summon us?"_**

 ** _"You will show some respect,"_** Titus spat, but Costia raised her hand to stop him.

 ** _"I thought that with the cape and the piece on my forehead this would be pretty self-explanatory,"_** she provided coldly.

 ** _"You are the new Heda,"_** he stated.

 ** _"Yes,"_** she confirmed simply.

 ** _"We heard Lexa died but Luna refused the job. She was the last Natblida. Do you expect us to believe…"_**

Costia took a little knife out of her pocket and sliced her palm right in front of the man's face, not even flinching.

They all gasped.

 ** _"But,"_** he started and searched with his eyes for the tattoo on her left arm for confirmation, ** _"the only way this would be possible was if you were…"_**

 ** _"I am,"_** Costia affirmed. **_"Now, let's go see Luna,"_** she demanded.

 ** _"I'm sorry, Heda, but according to protocol you need to be sedated and blindfolded,"_** the man seemed extremely uncomfortable in addition to his general disbelief. The woman in front of him was claiming to be someone who died years ago.

She took a step toward him. He towered above her, they always did, but her glare seemed so dangerous that the height difference made **no** difference.

 ** _"I am your Heda. You are my subject. I will dictate what's protocol,"_** she warned. **_"I appreciate your loyalty to Luna, but I will not be drugged, nor would I be blindfolded. Lead me to your boat, right now."_**

Titus couldn't help but smirk. He was proud of her. It was a new, weird sensation.

 ** _"Yes, Heda,"_** the boat man bowed. He knew his own leader won't be pleased, but he was currently more worried about angering the woman who was followed by twelve other clans. **_"What about him?"_** he gestured at Titus.

 ** _"You don't have to worry about him. He stays,"_** Costia replied simply.

 ** _"Absolutely not!"_** Titus protested. **_"I am not sending you out there all alone!"_**

 ** _"You are not sending me anywhere, Titus, because you are not the one making the decisions here. Don't mistake this for a request. It was an order,"_** Costia clarified calmly. **_"I will be fine."_**

 ** _"Yes, Heda,"_** he bitterly accepted his orders. He had no respect for Luna, but he doubted even she would hurt someone who was once a close friend.

* * *

As the boat gotten closer to the rig, Costia could see Luna standing on the edge of it. The moment Luna realized the visitor was very much awake, standing tall at the bow of the boat, she glared. The boat was still too far for her to actually realize who the visitor was.

When they were finally close enough for Luna to recognize Costia, her expression changed to utter shock, but the glare was back soon after.

Costia climbed on the rig, making her way up until she stood right in front of Luna.

 ** _"You look like you've seen a ghost, sister,"_** she noted with no trace of emotion.

 ** _"So,"_** Luna took a step forward and scanned Costia's face, wondering what feeling Costia was masking. **_"They've found you."_**

 ** _"I have found them, actually,"_** Costia corrected. **_"And careful, Luna. The way you phrase your sentence makes it sound as if you may have known that I was alive."_**

The tone was calm, but Luna was too smart to miss what Costia was really trying to say which was – you owe me.

 ** _"I didn't,"_** Luna was quick to deny, " ** _but had I known, had my men found out somehow, maybe I would've been afraid of the escalation of the situation. Of what Lexa might've done had she known you were alive. Of how many people would have died in order to get you…"_**

 ** _"Well it's a good thing you didn't know, then,"_** Costia cut her off, a sharp edge to her voice. **_"Because that would've put you in an awful position."_**

 ** _"It truly would have, sister,"_** Luna confirmed genuinely.

Costia narrowed her eyes, not sure how to feel about the whole exchange. A part of her was grateful that Lexa never knew. Had her dead lover known and chose to do nothing, it would've broken Costia to pieces. Had Lexa chosen to do something, well, that might've ended up much worse. Like Lexa said, she would've raised hell in order to get Costia back. They had enough hellish things to deal with.

 ** _"So, what, they couldn't get me to agree so they went with the second choice?"_** Luna challenged. She didn't know why Costia was there, or why she was the Commander, a position she always made clear she didn't want, but Luna knew that Costia's visit couldn't be a good thing. **_"Lexa beat you at the conclave,"_** Luna reminded. Neither of them was exactly the right or deserving person for the job. Not back then, anyway.

 ** _"Did she?"_** Costia questioned innocently.

 ** _"What are you saying?"_** Luna inquired in confusion.

 ** _"I wasn't under the impression that I was saying anything,"_** Costia shrugged.

 ** _"You lost the conclave on purpose?"_** the inconceivable realization dawned on Luna. She wasn't there to witness it herself, she was long gone by then, but she heard the stories of how Lexa spared her lover's life. Was it actually the other way around? Costia never presented the level of skill that would support her current unspoken claim.

 ** _"I don't know what you're talking about,"_** Costia brushed off. But her message was received loud and clear.

 ** _"Are you here to take my place?"_** Luna demanded, **_"because if so, I'm not giving you this place. These people don't deserve what you bring with you."_**

 ** _"What do I bring with me?"_** Truth was, Costia was jealous of Luna. She would've loved to live the pacifist life in the middle of the ocean. She never even seen the ocean before until she saw a simulated version of it in the Flame. And now she was too busy focusing on the reasons for her visit to enjoy the fact that she was surrounded by sea for the first time in her life. Something that has been a dream of hers. But she didn't have Luna's luxury. That's not how responsibility worked.

 ** _"You bring chaos, death and destruction,"_** Luna elaborated and Costia was saddened by how truthful Luna's words were. Even if not in the way Luna thought. **_"I will not let you do this to this place,"_** Luna warned. **_"I will fight you if I have to."_**

 ** _"I've seen you fight,"_** Costia reminded with a smirk. **_"You are remarkable, it's true. But unless you were hiding your true abilities all these years in class, I'm fairly certain I'd have made you eat sand at the conclave,"_** she concluded casually.

 ** _"Is that so?"_** Luna challenged.

 ** _"Yes,"_** Costia provided simply.

 ** _"I ran because I would've won,"_** Luna reminded.

 ** _"No, you wouldn't have,"_** Costia tilted her head in contemplation. **_"I would have killed you, if Lexa wouldn't have gotten to you first. I_** ** _t's a good thing you ran, though. I would've hated killing you. But for Lexa, I would have,"_** she admitted sadly.

 ** _"You are very sure of yourself, Kostia kom okru."_**

 ** _"I need your help, Luna. I'm not here to make a point, unless you want me to,"_** Costia broke down the situation.

Luna smirked. If only to satisfy her own curiosity, she wanted to see what Costia was raving about.

 ** _"Come with me,"_** she ordered. Costia clinched her fists but decided to choose her battles. She started to follow the other Nightblood when one of Luna's guards interfered.

 ** _"Are you sure this is a smart idea, Luna?"_**

 ** _"We're just going to talk,"_** Luna assured with a smile.

Costia knew that look. They weren't just going to talk.

* * *

 ** _"See? Told you I would've won,"_** Luna noted smugly as her sword was at Costia's neck. They were in the privacy of Luna's quarters which were large enough to allow for their little tussle.

Costia rolled her eyes at the statement.

 ** _"And I told you you wouldn't have,"_** she reminded and hit Luna's hip bone so hard with her Bo that Luna was literally swept off her feet and landed on the ground in a loud mess.

Luna looked up at Costia in shock, realizing that Costia had control over their entire encounter and was just making it last longer to indeed, make a point. Luna also realized she had no idea what Costia was actually capable of which made Costia dangerous.

 ** _"Oh, relax,"_** Costia huffed once she saw the worried expression on Luna's face. **_"Like I said, I'm here because I need your help. And to warn you."_**

 ** _"Warn me of what?"_** Luna demanded.

 ** _"You are not safe here, Luna,"_** Costia explained as she offered her old friend a hand.

 ** _"What do you mean?"_** Luna countered suspiciously.

Costia sighed.

 ** _"This thing you live on? It's meant for oil pumping, which you know, because this is how you keep your boats going, isn't it?"_** she finally asked.

 ** _"How do you know all of this?"_** Luna asked in surprise. When she escaped her conclave and first came to this place years ago, she had to have all of this explained to her.

 ** _"Remember where I was born,"_** Costia smiled bittersweetly.

Luna nodded in understanding, waiting for Costia to continue.

 ** _"Under different circumstance I would've come here and give you a choice, a real choice, without forcing your hand. Ask you to be my eyes in the sea because I don't know what kind of a civilization exists across the ocean if any at all. I'd be worried they might come for us some day and grab some oil along the way."_** All the possibilities they had for world exploration, for maybe finding more survivors. It was all gone now. They had to focus on the here and now.

 ** _"But instead?"_** Luna crossed her arms.

 ** _"I need your boats,"_** Costia finally admitted, voice confident. She asked for a favor but it was very evident to Luna that saying no won't be an option.

 ** _"Why?"_** Luna demanded.

 ** _"Short answer? The world is ending."_** Costia shrugged, making Luna drop her hands. Costia knew she was finally listening with an open mind.

 ** _"I think I might need to hear the long answer."_**

 ** _"You missed a lot, Luna. Things went really bad out there with an enemy that seemed unstoppable,"_** Costia started.

 ** _"I am aware of that enemy,"_** Luna reminded. If this was it, she wasn't going to be fazed by it.

 ** _"Yes, and then Klarke saved everyone while you were here on your rig not willing to get your hands dirty,"_** Costia scolded. **_"Except then we learned that the nuclear plants that weren't destroyed during the original nuclear disaster are burning down, quickly, and in four and a half months Earth won't be survivable."_**

Luna didn't know much about the history of the human race on Earth, but growing up as a novitiate with Costia around, pasting pieces together, she managed to get the gist of what Costia was trying to say which was why she now stared at her friend in horrified shock.

" ** _You live on an oil rig,"_** Costia pointed out again, **_"this place might actually go on fire soon and burn you all alive."_**

 ** _"Kostia…"_**

 ** _"I know_** ," Costia seemed so full of sorrow. **_"I'm sorry. I really did bring news of chaos, death and destruction,"_** she added apologetically and took Luna's hand. **_"But I didn't mean to."_**

Luna squeezed Costia's hand and offered her a sad smile.

 ** _"What are you doing to stop this?"_** she asked hesitantly.

 ** _"There is no stopping this,"_** Costia admitted. **_"There's finding means to survive this."_**

 ** _"Such as?"_**

 ** _"I've been working closely with Bekka, and…"_**

 ** _"Bekka Pramheda?"_** Luna stared at her in disbelief.

 ** _"I carry the Flame, remember? It's different now. It's… I can see her, talk to her,"_** Costia tried to explain.

 ** _"Then you can see Leksa as well,"_** Luna realized.

Costia bit her lip, she didn't want to talk about it.

 ** _"Look,"_** she kept going, **_"we're working on making everyone immune to radiation, and…"_**

 ** _"I thought we already are immune to radiation,"_** Luna interrupted in confusion.

 ** _"Luna, that's what I'm trying to tell you. This is bad. We've never been exposed to this amount of radiation before."_**

 ** _"So how…?"_**

 ** _"We have a group of volunteers. And we have a doctor. With Bekka's instructions we are altering their blood."_**

 ** _"And you are sending them away. To the plants. To be exposed to it,"_** Luna understood immediately.

 ** _"Yes,"_** Costia confirmed.

 ** _"It's a suicide mission, potentially,"_** Luna continued. **_"And that's why you need my boats which also means some of my people to operate these boats."_**

 ** _"Luna, they will only take the volunteers so far. Our expedition will go the rest of the way by foot, or, if possible, by car. We'll do whatever we can to not put your people…"_**

 ** _"Who are technically your people,"_** Luna pointed out coldly.

Costia sighed.

 ** _"I wish I could leave you out of this, sister, I do, but we are running out of time. With your help, they'll be back with the results sooner,"_** Costia explained.

 ** _"If they come back at all."_**

 ** _"Pump as much oil as you can, for the boats, and for the future. We have about a month before our volunteers will be ready to leave,"_** Costia explained. **_"I suggest that a little while after that you move back to land. Be a part of the preparations for what's coming, see what we've done to protect ourselves, to maintain our society. If once this is over we learn that the rig survived, you can come back. You have my word. But for now I need you to play a part, and your people need it, too. Because otherwise, we are all dead,"_** Costia concluded.

She could see Luna's inner struggle. As much as Costia wanted to, she couldn't guarantee the safe return of Luna's boats and men and Luna knew that. She didn't believe in fighting and killing and now Costia was asking her to send people away to their possible deaths.

 ** _"I appreciate what you built here,"_** Costia started again, **_"I even envy it, but at some point you have to choose what you are willing to kill for. What you are willing to send men to die in the name of. Clearly, survival matters to you, because you killed one of us, and then you escaped. So I know you'd kill for survival, or run to earn it."_**

 ** _"What are you willing to kill for?"_** Luna challenged.

 ** _"Love."_**

 ** _"Kostia…"_**

 ** _"It's the truth and you know it, and unlike you, I was willing to die for what I believed in, you ran for it. You are not a coward, but I don't know that you'll go the distance for what you believe in, either, and I really need you to right now,"_** Costia pushed.

 ** _"If you were the strongest why didn't you just win?"_** Luna looked away, considering Costia's words, wondering how they got here.

 ** _"I didn't want to be Heda. You ran because of it, I was willing to die because of it, Leksa was willing to live for it. She was the strongest one. She was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice because she knew she could make a difference for our people. We were too selfish for that. We don't have that luxury anymore."_**

 ** _"Why did you come back if you didn't want this? You didn't even know what was going on,"_** Luna pointed out and locked eyes with Costia.

 ** _"Because keeping her legacy, finishing what she started? That's another thing I'm willing to die for, or to kill for. I will not let what she build wither and die, and it just so happens that now we have an apocalypse to deal with."_**

Luna nodded. They were both damaged, they both wanted something different than the choices that were presented to them.

Luna knew that even if her leadership was a different sort than Lexa's or even Costia's, she was still a leader, she still carried a responsibility for the people who looked up to her. Sometimes it meant doing something that she really didn't want to do.

And sometimes was now.

* * *

 ** _"It's incredible, isn't it?"_**

Luna stepped to Costia's side while Costia was staring at the open seas.

 ** _"Gorgeous,"_** Costia agreed. She was about to head back to land but wanted a few moments to absorb the view.

 ** _"All this time and I'm still not used to how miraculous it is_** ," Luna admitted and looked forward.

 ** _"It seems… it seems endless. Even though I know with certainty that's not true. But there's something comforting in the thought that something is endless, something lasts,"_** Costia admitted.

" ** _Is it the first time you've seen the ocean?"_** Luna questioned softly.

 ** _"Yes. Well… Sort of,"_** Costia replied sheepishly.

 ** _"Sort of? It's a yes or no question,"_** Luna chuckled.

 ** _"I've seen a fake version, I guess you can say,"_** Costia tried to explain.

 ** _"What do you mean?"_**

 ** _"Inside the Flame. The people in there, the past Commanders, they each created a little corner for themselves. There are woods and a desert, and meadows, and also an ocean,"_** Costia explained, wondering if any of it made sense to Luna.

 ** _"The Flame sounds so different from what I always thought it'd be like,"_** Luna admitted and Costia could see something new in her eyes – curiosity.

 ** _"It changed a lot after what happened with ALIE,"_** Costia offered. She knew what Luna meant. Going from hearing voices and seeing visions in one's dreams to full on diving into an AI was quite the change.

 ** _"It's a piece of technology,"_** Luna noted. She saw it for herself, and she was constantly surrounded by naval equipment. She may have not been able to understand everything about it, but she realized it has been man-made. Or rather, woman-made.

 ** _"Yes,"_** Costia confirmed. **_"We both knew winning the conclave was never about who the spirit chose. This is not reincarnation. It's a technicality. But don't be mistaken, Leksa is in there, they're all there. And you and I both know that the most fitting leader won our conclave even if it wasn't some spiritual thing."_**

Luna nodded. Costia and Lexa were her closest friends in their class. They were her family. One of the reasons she escaped was because she didn't want to watch two people who were so clearly in love kill each other. She was happy they found at least some way back to one another, even if it wasn't exactly orthodox.

 ** _"What about new Natblida? We can't keep telling the same stories we've been told_** ," Luna pointed out.

 ** _"We won't,"_** Costia assured. She knew as well that things will have to be different. **_"But I'll worry about it when we actually find new ones and we aren't in immediate danger. There's a lot to think about, and I'm open to ideas. Maybe you should come to Polis yourself,"_** she offered her old friend a smile.

 ** _"I bet Titus is really happy that you're back,"_** Luna teased. They always shared their animosity of him, or rather, they shared being both disliked by him.

 ** _"The Fleimkepa's opinion doesn't matter as much nowadays being that he's the one who killed Leksa,"_** Costia gritted her teeth. Moving forward with the man was hard, no matter how much she tried, how much he tried.

Luna gaped at her in shock.

 ** _"See? Maybe with being at Polis or actually getting reports from your ambassador you won't have to only hear rumors and half truths._** ** _Now, take me back to shore. No drugs this time either,"_** Costia ordered with a smirk. **_"There's a lot of work to be done."_**

 ** _"I know this look, Kostia, you are planning something. What is it?"_** Luna questioned just before her friend turned to start heading toward the boat. It was the same look Costia got right before she encouraged Luna to do something that got them in trouble or had the potential to, back when they were both novitiates.

 ** _"I don't own you any explanations, Luna,"_** Costia brushed off calmly.

 ** _"Well, whatever it is, I hope you manage to get it done, sister, and that it'll give you some peace of mind."_**

 ** _"Oh, I will, and trust me when I tell you, not even death is going to stop me."_**

* * *

Notes:

1\. Spoiler: Costia's subtle reaction to the fire at the very beginning of the chapter - this is another sign of Costia's PTSD. Ontari really liked to play with fire when it came to torturing Costia.

2\. **_"You look like you've seen a ghost, sister."_** When Luna told Clarke on episode 3X14 that she was forced to kill her own brother at the conclave, many assumed she meant her actual brother. While that's very likely, I always saw it as novitiate brother (though if it was her actual brother it strengthens the notion that the blood **can** be inherited in families, which strengthen the Costia/Aden scenario.) In my mind, the class of novitiates was always a family of sorts and I tried to convey that in volume 1, too. Complex family, one in which all members knew that only one will survive, but a family still, and while they were all alive they had each other's backs, and that's why it made sense to me to have Luna and Costia refer to each other as "sister." They would've been close before the conclave but probably had a strained relationship after. Maybe they haven't even seen each other at all after Luna escaped the conclave. In this scenario, where they all shared one arena rather than fighting in rounds, Luna probably ran after her first kill, not witnessing what happened later with Lexa and Costia.

3\. "Like Lexa said, she would've raised hell in order to get Costia back." Chapter 47.

4\. **_"I would have killed you, if Lexa wouldn't have gotten to you first."_** I know that many people were upset when Luna told Clarke she left because she knew she'd win the conclave (episode 3X14.) I hope this gives peace to some of you on that front. I totally believe Lexa would've beaten her.

5\. I made the conclusion that the boat people actually operate the rig and had oil because on the show, too, they actually had the boat, presumably a sub, too. I very much doubt it's a rowing boat. The rig was far from shore, they had many people come off said boat, it had to be big. It probably came with the rig and most likely had an engine. For it to work after all this time, the boat people must have had oil in canon. I also think they probably had more than one boat.

6\. " ** _Maybe with being at Polis or actually getting reports from your ambassador you won't have to only hear rumors and half truths."_** Based on canon alone, the relationship between the boat people and Polis is weird. Lune didn't know Lexa died until Clarke showed up on episode 3X13. Her ambassador never sent a runner or anything. It seemed like there's a weird arrangement and the news from Polis don't make it to the rig very often. I suspect the ambassador never left Polis so he (or she) could protect the location of the boat people which the show presented as a secret. Contacting them from shore also requires a secretive ritual. I have a feeling only the Commander and the ambassador know exactly where the boat people reside and how to communicate with them, and maybe not even the Commander. So this entire scene between Costia and Luna played on that idea.

7\. Spoiler (massive one): that last line - death isn't going to stop her because she intends to undo death itself.

8\. One cute note about timing: I finished writing this chapter (which I started writing at the same time I started working on this story, so very early on, during March or April 2016,) on the same week I posted the chapter during which Costia asks Lexa if she ever thought about sending people across the ocean (volume 1, chapter 35.)

And, I originally posted this chapter on the same week I saw _Deepwater Horizon_ which is set almost exclusively on an oil rig. Sometimes these things just happen and make you smile.


	58. De Seken Chapter 56

**Chapter 56**

 _Two Weeks Later…_

"Good, Clarke," Costia complimented and offered her mentee a proud smile.

They were training midday per Clarke's request.

Clarke didn't feel well that morning but she didn't want to miss a class so she knowingly subjected herself to the possibility of public humiliation. She figured it'll show Costia just how committed she was.

"We'll need to find you a partner soon," Costia voiced her thoughts.

"Why not you?"

"Because I'm holding back and you need someone who won't hold back and actually give it everything they got. Preferably someone not too bothered about ego. Also, preferably someone who's better than you, even if just a little bit, so you'll have to work hard," Costia explained.

"Someone like that?" Clarke pointed behind her and Costia turned around to see Octavia and Indra walking toward them.

"Oh, hello. Are these private sessions or can anyone get in on that?" Octavia chuckled as she and Indra approached.

"Trust me, you don't want "in on that,"" Indra huffed.

"What are you saying, Indra? You trained me yourself!" Octavia reminded in surprise.

" ** _Heda_** will throw you on the ground before you manage to utter the words "acid rain," Indra stated.

"She's right, Octavia. This has been humiliating," Clarke confirmed miserably.

"But beneficial!" Costia argued, almost pouted.

"Damn, Commander, are you that good?" Octavia quirked her eyebrow.

"Yes," Indra, Clarke and Costia answered in unison.

"She took down eight Ice Nation warriors before they finally got her," Indra added.

"How did you…Lincoln?" Costia inquired with a sad smile, receiving a nod from Indra as a reply.

Octavia was impressed by what Costia did with Ontari at their conclave, Costia seemed like a force of nature that day. But Ontari was one person and Octavia didn't realize how much more there was to it. She smirked at Costia.

Costia smiled smugly. She would never have done that years earlier, but the voices in her head, hers and then some, kept telling her to embrace her true self, at long last.

"As a matter of fact we're looking to partner Clarke up with someone. Interested?" Costia challenged, directing her question at Octavia.

Clarke seemed excited at the idea, as did Octavia, but her face fell shortly after.

"I'd love to, I really would, but, I actually came to look for you to talk about acid rain related stuff," Octavia admitted. "I think I need to go to Arkadia."

"I already don't like the sound of that," Costia sighed.

" ** _Heda_** , if I may, she prepared a speech, it makes sense once you hear it," Indra intervened.

"Okay, Octavia, but this doesn't sound like a two minutes long conversation, so how about you come to the throne room later and… recite your speech?" Costia offered her a smile.

"Yes, Commander," Octavia agreed.

"But just so you know, training with us would've been way more fun," Costia noted casually.

"Trust me," Octavia grimaced "I know."

* * *

She walked into the lab and straight to the white board. Abby and Raven didn't even flinch when she started writing something down like she was in a trance. It became such a normal sight. When she finished, she turned around.

"So," she started, "what's new?"

Abby stood up. "I need to go to the other room and prep for today's second round of injections," she noted, "but I'm sure you'd be happy to hear that the scar tissue and the inner organs are healing well."

Costia gave her a huge smile. "Good job, Doctor."

"The work is not done, Commander, but thank you," she softly returned the smile and left the room.

"What about you, genius?" Costia turned to Raven whose eyes were covered as she was soldering two pieces together. Costia kept a safe distance. She had to admit she had no idea what Raven was doing. Becca may have put the necessary info in her head, but the moment she was done writing it she forgot all about it.

"I do love it when you use pet names, C.," Raven teased and put her mask up.

Costia smirked, she liked the young mechanic, the only person other than Clarke who actually listened when she asked to not call her Commander.

"It's almost done," Raven added smugly. "But I'm missing a piece. And it has a very unique shape, so I'm going to have to try and make it myself and this might take a while and a few tries," she admitted sheepishly.

"Do you know how to make it?" Costia questioned, rubbing her forehead, worried about the complicated development and how it might affect their little progression.

"You just told me how," Raven smiled and gestured with her head towards the board.

Costia turned around to scan her now foreign equations and instructions.

"I guess I'm a genius, too," she turned back to Raven.

"I guess you are," Raven confirmed with a satisfied smile.

"Hey, Raven?" Costia started hesitantly and sat herself across the table from the other woman.

"Yeah?"

"Did you give any thought to…" she bit her lip, she wasn't sure how to phrase her question.

"It's okay, Costia, whatever it is, you can ask me," Raven encouraged.

"Once this is over, maybe we'll have the means and resources… would you like to try and do something about your leg? Something more… intrusive but also permanent?" Now she was on a roll. "Because with Becca in my head… and with everything that you've done for me…" she sighed. "I'm just saying, if it's something that you wish to explore I'm willing to give you the help you need," Costia concluded, hoping she didn't offend the other woman.

"Thank you," Raven smiled gently to let Costia know she wasn't upset. "But I learned to live with it," she admitted calmly. Costia could see it in her eyes – peace. "It became another strength, it's not a weakness," Raven explained. She was a survivor and Costia understood what that was like better than most people.

"Strengths do come in many different forms," she nodded in agreement.

"They truly do," Raven confirmed. "Like, for example, not giving up on what seems like a lost cause," she added.

Costia smiled at her in gratitude. After all, that's exactly what they were doing, every single day.

* * *

"Alright, Octavia," Costia rushed into the room, "give me that speech."

Octavia braced herself.

"Okay, here goes," she stood tall, raised her head up. Costia quirked her eyebrow, amused by the exhibition of determination.

"All existing bunkers are currently being restocked as discussed and we have a few teams digging new ones on the routes between the clans."

"Right, you told me that last week," Costia teased.

"And the water reservoirs that have been dug already are being covered with concrete while we also dig additional ones."

"Which you've also told me last week," Costia pointed out.

"I'm building up to something here, Commander," Octavia huffed.

Costia didn't reply, but she smiled softly at Octavia, encouraging her to continue.

"Right, okay, so we're on track, but there are a few things that are stuck, important things."

"Such as?" Costia inquired, now intrigued, and not in a good way.

"Well, for starters, the masks," Octavia admitted. It was bad news, the acid rains might start way before their looming six months deadline arrives. "The problem is that the temperatures are rising."

Costia nodded, they could already feel it. Not so much herself, which gave her hope that the Nighblood would serve just fine, but others. She knew that the new synthesized blood would, hopefully, help with maintaining body temperature, but until the expedition would leave and hopefully return with satisfying results, their day to day life started to be effected.

"Fact is, we need to find a material that would be sustainable in higher temperatures," Octavia continued. "And that's true not just for the masks. It's true for the sheets we want to use above streets, farming areas and water reservoirs, and I've also been thinking about water bottles."

"What about them?"

"We might need to cool off more often. I want to find a material that will create isolation for bottles, so we can distribute water bottles that would keep the water cool. Potentially, it's all the same material."

"And that's a material we are yet to possess," Costia understood.

"It's been… challenging," Octavia admitted. "Abby is extremely busy with prepping the expedition, which leaves Jackson as the only person who might have a chance of helping. Even with help from Becca someone needs to actually do it, the science part, and him being in Arkadia…"

"So you want to go and help." Costia almost felt guilty. Abby was busy with more than just the injections, but even without Costia's little side project the doctor was too swamped to help with something as broad as what Octavia needed.

"We're wasting a lot of time sending people with messages back and forth between here and Arkadia. He's been testing a few samples, he's optimistic, but I want to go there, see it with my own eyes, start working on a distribution plan. Some materials might be more easily produced back at Arkadia. Monty could help."

"And who exactly will be my **_skaikru_** ambassador if you leave?"

"Indra will speak for us," Octavia noted with certainty. "She would know how I feel about things even if it doesn't match her own opinion. I trust her to speak for me, and you also have Clarke."

Costia's features softened.

"You sure you want to go back to where Linc died?"

"I've already been back," Octavia reminded.

"You **visited** ," Costia reminded. "There's a difference."

"I need to do this, Commander. You gave me a job, I'm trying to do it the best way I can."

"Alright, then, you can leave. But come back as soon as you can, and send me daily reports," Costia demanded.

"Yes, Commander," Octavia smiled. "Thank you."

"Good thinking with the water bottles, Octavia," Costia complimented.

"I hope one day we can surround the villages and Polis with some large barriers and maintain some tolerable temperature within. Maybe like air conditioners used to do."

Costia smirked. "Did you ever hear about Atlantis, Octavia?"

"I…" she continued her sentence quietly, "may have seen a glass dome surrounding Polis in my head, too," she admitted sheepishly.

Costia smiled widely.

"It might sound impossible," Octavia was quick to resume her pitch, "but…"

"Trust me, you'll have Raven, and that girl likes impossible tasks," Costia cut her off. She was completely unfazed which filled Octavia with certainty. "When the time comes, I'm sure she'll be happy to be all over this."

* * *

Lexa sighed in relief.

 _Five hundred and twenty six pages,_ Lexa thought when Costia showed up. _She came two days in a row._

It was a little over last time's amount, but less the amount of two visits ago. It was still around the average which told Lexa Costia probably visited every night of that week.

Early on, when they embarked on their unique in-Flame relationship, Lexa was frustrated that she could never tell when Costia would arrive. She never knew how long she was waiting. She started a daily routine. She'd read, eat, go for a walk (the same exact route every time), come back, eat again, then read again until Costia showed up. Hunger wasn't really a thing that bothered her, it was more that she enjoyed the stimulation of the flavor. Something that felt real, normal. Nothing felt real and normal like Costia, though.

Soon enough she realized that if she always does the same thing, and if she counted the number of pages she read in a book between Costia's visits, she'd get an idea of when Costia would be back, assuming Costia came every night.

The biggest catalyst for that system was when Costia showed up the morning after she picked volunteers for the expedition and Lexa realized she didn't even know it was a longer waiting period than usual.

She knew her system wasn't an exact science, but it was something. The average helped.

And so, when Costia started visiting less frequently, Lexa started to get suspicious. The first time that Lexa read way more pages than usual, she got worried. Years of grief made her fear the worst, except she knew that had Costia died she would've been in the Flame. Unless something even worse happened. Lexa didn't know for how long Costia was missing when she didn't show up, and when Costia did show up she acted as if nothing was out of the norm, assuming Lexa had no clue that she was absent for longer than she was supposed to be. Then, Costia would come a few days in a row again and Lexa's worries lessened. But now it was anyone's guess when Costia would show up. Lexa didn't want to ask Costia about it. She knew the woman better than herself, so she knew that when Costia was ready, she'd let Lexa know what was on her mind. But Lexa started to feel guilty, as if she was tying Costia down to something that wasn't real. Not in the usual sense anyway.

Lexa shook her head and tried to enjoy the presence of the woman who was quick to get rid of her clothes and place herself in Lexa's arms. Lexa reminded herself that the important part was that Costia loved her, and always came back to her no matter how long it took.

She knew that if Costia realized she figured out Costia wasn't visiting every night anymore, Costia would return to show up on a daily basis. Costia skipped days assuming Lexa didn't know and Lexa planned on keeping it that way a while longer, thinking she was giving her lover what Costia needed.

Right now, though, **she** needed to feel close to Costia, and if the other woman was willing to give that to her, Lexa was going take it. Costia didn't know Lexa was bothered, all she knew was that there was more need than usual in Lexa's actions, and when Lexa showed her how much she needed her, Costia was more than happy to oblige.

A while later they were lying in silence, Lexa holding Costia tight, releasing shallow breaths on the back of Costia's neck, making her hum.

"I love you," Lexa said in a near whisper.

"I love you, too," Costia provided and turned around to look at her lover.

Lexa brushed a lock of hair from Costia's face, caressing her cheek, and leaned in to kiss her forehead.

She backed away, peacefully scanning Costia's face. As much as she would love having Costia around all the time, she much preferred knowing that Costia was alive and well.

"What?" Costia inquired with a soft smile after Lexa stared at her for what felt like forever.

"If you lived inside the Flame, what sort of place would you want to live in?" Lexa questioned.

 _What would it be like to have her here all the time?_ Lexa couldn't help but wonder.

Costia contemplated the question. She didn't seem startled by it, she seemed to like it. Lexa realized it was because Costia could choose whatever option she wanted and very rarely in their lives did they get to choose.

"This place is actually quite nice," Costia finally replied, putting her hand on Lexa's hip, bringing her just a little bit closer.

"Come on, Cos. If you could go anywhere, see anything?" It used to be the ocean, Lexa knew, but that much Costia already saw.

"Maybe a safari," Costia smiled, clearly lost in thought.

"Yeah? Like in Africa?" Lexa investigated, longing for her beloved atlas that was left behind in the real world like so many other things that belonged to her.

"Mmm," Costia confirmed. "And see all those animals that were either extinct or that we could never see in the woods."

"Like what?" Lexa demanded, loving seeing Costia so full of juvenile excitement.

"Elephants, mostly," Costia giggled.

"I'd love to see a giraffe," Lexa admitted.

"That's a good one," Costia approved. "Maybe a zebra."

"Or a real lion," Lexa added, now caught up in the excitement, too.

Costia stared at her lovingly.

"What?" Lexa smiled in confusion.

"Nothing, it's just…I prefer a lioness," Costia smirked and leaned in to kiss her lover, to do more than just kiss her lover.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "Two weeks later" at the top refers to chapter 55. It's one week after the events of chapter 55.2.

2\. Can you imagine a Polis Atlantis? A Polantis?


	59. De Seken Chapter 57

**Chapter 57**

 _Two Weeks Later…_

Costia skipped at least three days, Lexa knew. The page numbers piled up to more than triple the average amount. It was the longest Costia was ever gone for.

Lexa was so distraught that she strongly considered going to Becca and ask her what was going on. Lexa knew Costia and Becca spoke constantly, they had to. But wouldn't Becca come to **her** had something bad happened to Costia? Becca would realize that Lexa would want to know, would **need** to know.

 _I can't keep doing this_ , she paced around her cabin.

If Costia didn't visit as often as she used to, it meant she didn't want to be there. Or so Lexa thought. Ever since they were kids they saw each other every day, spent every night in each other's arms with the exception of when they were both novitiates and were forced to separate. Once they finally got together they hated the nights they had to spend apart, which is why those were very rare.

It hurt Lexa to know that something that they always did, always longed for – spend their nights together, forever, was something Costia didn't want anymore.

But it made Lexa realize something else – it told her that when Costia **did** show up it was because she felt bad. She felt like she had to show up. Lexa preferred missing Costia for the rest of her in-Flame existence than knowing that she forced Costia to come and see her even if Costia didn't want that anymore.

 _But when she is here, she really is here. She gives herself to me, body, and soul, I can feel it._

 _Then what is it?_

She was confused, but mostly, she didn't want to be a burden.

Just as the thought occurred to her, she was softly grabbed from behind, wrapped in a tight embrace. She knew straight away her wait was finally over.

"I missed you," a quiet voice uttered and she could feel the lips right between her shoulder and neck.

 _Then why have you been gone for so long?_ Lexa wondered.

But Costia didn't know Lexa knew, and Costia didn't realize Lexa was bothered by what she'd known.

Lexa turned around and crashed their lips together. Costia was more than happy to participate until she felt the dampness on her lover's cheek. She pulled away and scanned Lexa's face in worry.

"My love, what's wrong?" Costia inquired in worry, using her thumbs to brush away the tears.

 _I am, possibly,_ Lexa thought in pain.

Did Costia need Lexa to set her free?

Lexa shook her head, both at the thought and because she didn't want to bring up the subject.

"Tell me," Costia demanded, eyes pleading.

Maybe it was Costia's insistence, maybe it was the fact that Lexa was at a breaking point because she knew Costia has been gone a while, either way, she couldn't keep the thoughts in anymore.

"Every time you come here I feel guilty," she finally admitted. "I'm keeping you from moving on in the real world." Costia dropped her hands from Lexa's face, evidently hurt by the fact Lexa would even think that way. "But when I see you, I can't help myself because all I want is you," Lexa added sincerely, feeling selfish.

"This **is** real to me, Alex," Costia stated in a calm voice, but Lexa could see it in her eyes – the anger.

"I know, but I don't want to hold you back, and then I remember…"

"That when I die I'll be here alway?" Costia offered simply.

"Yes. And then it will be you and I, forever, and that was always the plan."

Costia smiled at her in sad reminiscing. It's what Lexa told her the night they got their promising tattoos, and it **was** the plan, except the plan included both of them being alive.

"But I hope that doesn't happen for many, **many** years," Lexa added, "and part of me wants to set you free but what if you **do** fall in love with someone else?"

"I don't want to be set free." For Costia, hearing Lexa talk like that was almost a confirmation that a certain fear of hers was justified.

"Just the thought of it makes me sick, of you being with someone else," Lexa continued, not even hearing Costia's response. She just wanted to finally get it all out, "and then I realize what it must feel for you, with Clarke…"

"Can we talk about something else?" That was it, the absolute last thing Costia wanted to hear. Seeing Clarke daily and seeing Lexa was one thing, because they no longer existed at the same place and Costia could at least separate the two, but when Lexa mentioned Clarke Costia had no choice by facing the truth – that her second half **did** fall in love with someone else.

"And I am sorry. I am," Lexa apologized brokenly.

"I need to go." Costia turned around but Lexa grabbed her hand before she could actually leave. Because when Costia left it was just a poof, and she was gone. Lexa was on a quest to say everything so she didn't even realize what effect her words had on the woman she loved, not until this very moment when she looked at her lover's face and saw devastation masked under a cold front.

"Do you really?" she asked hesitantly.

"I **want** to go." And that was the scariest thing Costia could've told Lexa. Because it was the truth, the heartbreaking truth, and because Lexa had this deep rooted fear that if she'd let Costia leave now, she won't see her for a very long time. Maybe ever.

"You will **always** be my second half, Cos." She provided desperately, needing Costia to understand this wasn't about pushing her away, needing her to understand that she would welcome her return. But Lexa just wanted what was best for the woman she loved. She was afraid she didn't say the right thing to get her point across. Instead, while trying to make a point about loving a person enough to set them free, she brought up the one thing that was between them. The one person.

"And you mine," Costia replied weakly. She meant it, too. It was just that a part of her started to believe a while ago that she was the only one who truly meant it.

"Cos…" Lexa tried again, not wanting to leave things between them like that.

"I'll see you soon, Alex."

Then poof.

* * *

Costia tried to clear her head. There was so much left to do. So much more was at stake, yet all she could think about was Lexa, how she left things with Lexa the night before.

She couldn't think about it, she couldn't let it get in the way, she wasn't going to let it.

She walked into the lab with a mission. She was about to sabotage her own side project, but she had to.

"I need you to go with Clarke and see the boat people," she stated the moment Raven came into view, standing above a table that currently occupied a few metal pieces that seemed to Costia like junk.

"And good morning to you, too," Raven quirked an eyebrow.

Costia sighed. This was hard enough without being teased.

"The volunteers are almost ready to leave," Costia reminded, "I need you two to take the humvee and make sure the boat can carry it because if it can't, well, we have a week to figure it out," Costia huffed.

"I thought the boat people said it will have no problems carrying a vehicle," Raven noted in confusion.

"Okay, but, do you want to trust the word of people who never dealt with a vehicle before, or do you want to go there, put the same amount of people as our expedition will have on that boat, add our vehicle, and see that the whole thing doesn't sink?" Costia rolled her eyes.

"Point taken. Do you want me to see if the boat needs some special enhancements?" Raven inquired. But she thought she already knew the answer, and she thought she realized why it made the Commander so agitated.

"Yes, Raven, that's exactly what I want you to do, actually."

"And then you'll need me to be there next week to install it and make sure it's all intact," Raven stated rather than asked.

"Yes," Costia confirmed in frustration.

"It means I'm putting our side project on the back burner," Raven pointed out cautiously.

"Do you think I don't know that?" Costia spat. She then took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "This has to be a priority right now." She wanted their little experiment to be the priority, now more than ever, but she had responsibility to every single person in the whole of thirteen clans.

"It does," Raven agreed. "I know how much what we're doing matters to you, Costia," she dared to put a comforting hand on Costia's. "And the fact that you're putting this aside for now shows just how lucky we are to have you," she added sincerely.

Costia swallowed hard and locked eyes with Raven.

 _How did the past Commanders do it?_ Costia wondered. _Pushing away everything and everyone. How can a person live without human comfort?_

She vowed when she escaped **_Azgeda_** that she would Command her own way, and her own way meant that she didn't push Raven away in a moment like this one. Thoughts about weakness be damned. Lexa, too, had people, Costia knew. Costia just had **more** people. Maybe it was the mountain girl part of her, maybe it was the fact that for more than half of her life no one expected of her what was expected of Lexa, but either way, she knew when to put people in their place when they crossed a line. This wasn't such a moment, even if Titus would say otherwise. The man had to be used to the way she did things by now. And anyhow, wasn't being a likeable yet feared-at-times Commander better than only being feared and distant?

Wouldn't the people be more inclined to follow someone they believed in?

 _Like Alex, the people adored her_ , Costia thought.

In moments like these, of sadness, of frustration and confusion, the only person she wanted to talk to was her love. For three years she was robbed of that privilege and now, when she could actually see her, Costia was deliberately choosing not to. It almost felt like a sin.

 _I'll take sin over heartbreak,_ she thought, wondering if it was bound to get better or worse with everything that was coming their way.

"Hey," Raven squeezed her hand to bring her back to the present. "We will get there," she stated in determination. "And when we do, and I never thought I'd say this… I think we have an actual shot."

* * *

Notes:

"You and I, forever, and that was always the plan." Volume 1, chapter 35. As a matter of fact, let me copy comment no. 172 from volume 1:

Right after the conclave Costia was overwhelmed by the fact that for the first time ever she didn't have a plan. Except then she realized Lexa was her new plan, that they could actually have a future together. Then, in chapter 31, Lexa got her conclave tattoo and Costia was somewhat saddened by the fact that she's not represented there. Lexa's response showed that this wasn't just Costia's plan. Them, forever, was Lexa's plan, too:

"I'm not there with them," Costia observed sadly.

"And I wouldn't want you to be," Lexa pointed out. "You'll be here one day," she took Costia's hand and put it on her own right arm, where a promising tattoo would traditionally go, to mark that two people have chosen to spend their lives side by side.


	60. De Seken Chapter 58

**Chapter 58**

 _One Week Later…_

Costia was standing on the throne room's balcony, using her mother's, or rather, Lexa's old binoculars to look down into the streets, where food was being stacked on the humvees, as was some more equipment. She could see the bewildered expressions on people's faces. They hardly ever seen a single vehicle, let alone three.

Clarke joined her a few moments later, noticing the item in her hands. She didn't even question anymore. The things Costia knew, certain items Costia owned, she just accepted it now. At the beginning Clarke was surprised by it, by a Grounder possessing modern knowledge and these sorts of items, but she got used to Costia randomly mentioning something scientific, or casually pulling out a book about zeppelins.

Costia felt Clarke's presence next to her and dropped the binoculars. She offered Clarke a soft smile, then, she offered her the binoculars. Clarke accepted them with a smile of her own and brought them up to her eyes.

"I've never seen the city like this before," she noted in awe.

"Like this like how?" Costia inquired, intrigued, remembering with clarity standing at that very spot with Clarke a couple of months prior, after her ascension.

"I'm looking directly into their faces, but they have no idea. They look entranced," Clarke explained.

"They are still getting used to humvees being driven in and out of the city," Costia pointed out.

"Not much longer now," Clarke observed with a sigh. She hated the thought of sending all these people away, but she knew that them finally leaving meant progress, meant a chance, perhaps their only one.

Costia was quiet. Clark scanned her profile. She seemed tired. Not like usual tired, tired like the first few days after her ascension, when she refused to sleep, when she didn't go to see Lexa. Clarke has been noticing it for the past few days, but she assumed it was related to the upcoming expedition. She herself got to be in the Commander's quarters a couple of times and witness Costia taking a nap. Clarke would peacefully read this book or the other from Costia's collection while the Commander was resting.

"Hey, are you okay?" she finally asked.

"Fine," Costia sent a feigned smile her way.

"I'm starting to know when you are lying," Clarke challenged. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Costia really couldn't tell her, though, so she settled for something else.

"I'm about to send these people, one of whom is my step-mom, to their possible deaths."

She knew her answer wasn't to what Clarke was actually referring to, but it was true nonetheless, and Clarke wouldn't know the difference.

"You are scared," Clarke concluded.

"Aren't you?"

"Terrified," Clarke admitted.

"Just one of the many things we have in common," Costia smirked.

They turned to look below them again, each lost in her own world.

"What if it doesn't work?" Clarke eventually broke the silence.

"We turn every single one of them into a Nightblood, put the Flame in them, and kill them," the young Commander replied without missing a beat. Not even Becca was privy to that idea, though Costia suspected Becca had a similar thought even if they were yet to discuss it.

Costia waited for the horrified expression Clarke was sure to give her following the morbid suggestion, but it never came.

"That was exactly what I was thinking," Clarke's eyes pierced through her. They understood each other.

The Flame wasn't like the City of Light. One had free will in there, somehow. If worse came to worst, they could all exist in there, for as long as the Flame lasted, which, if they had no choice, and if they played their cards right, could potentially be forever.

They were standing there looking at each other quietly, intently, knowing that they just agreed to potentially mercy kill all of their people. Each had the thought for a while, each was expecting the person in front of them to look at them as if they were monsters.

Instead, they found the one person who understood what it meant to do what had to be done.

* * *

Costia was just about to head to the lab to have a last few words with Raven before Raven departed with the expedition to help set the humvee on the boat. Before Costia had the chance to leave her quarters, though, there was an aggressive knock on the door. She didn't even get to say "enter" and Titus already rushed in. It was very much unlike him to disrespect his leader's privacy like that, even if it was a leader he clashed with often.

 ** _"Heda,"_** he started and she could tell he was angry and trying to hold it in, not very successfully. **_"I went by the lab to call Bellamy and Dara for the departing ceremony."_**

Costia wasn't exactly bothered by the religious aspect that came along with a departure for a long journey, but she knew that the people of the clans and the families of the volunteers needed this. A chance to say goodbye.

 ** _"When I entered Abby was drawing blood from Bellamy. It was black,"_** he added, his body now shaking.

 _Well, shit._ It's not like that him knowing changed anything, nor did she owed him explanations, but this was about to be a pain in her ass.

 ** _"Have you lost your mind?"_** he finally spat, he could not hold back any longer.

 ** _"Watch your tone, Titus. Today is not a day to irritate me,"_** she warned calmly. She had nothing to apologize for and she wasn't going to tolerate this sort of attitude, no matter how heartbreaking the moment probably was for the Flamekeeper.

 ** _"You've turned them into Natblidas!"_**

 ** _"I did. I told you that I would."_** Maybe he wasn't going to lower his voice, but she wasn't going to raise hers, either. It may have been even more maddening for him that she didn't.

 ** _"How could you?"_** he demanded and she could tell he was on the verge of tears. His whole world came crushing down, it has been for a while, but Titus somehow managed to ignore everything even if it was unfolding right in front of his face.

She did tell him. But then she never mentioned it again and maybe it was easier for him to believe it ended up not being necessary.

 ** _"I needed answers,"_** she provided matter-of-factly. **_"What if the regular synthesized blood doesn't work? Would you doom all of our people? We're running out of time. I didn't want to hang all of our hopes on one single solution."_**

He was quiet. For a second she thought he gave up, but then she could see it in his eyes, a thought, a dangerous thought.

 ** _"Maybe only the strong ones are meant to survive what's coming. The chosen few,"_** he clarified in determination, not that she needed the clarification. She knew what he was trying to say.

 _Does he really still believe so blindly that he'd condemn himself, too, to die after all these years of service?_

Then again he had expressed his wish to die right after she beat Ontari. But there was so much he wasn't considering. They didn't even find new Nightbloods yet. If they were even out there they were kids and not necessarily enough in numbers to repopulate and make sure the human race lasted.

 ** _"Leksa would've been horrified if she were here to hear you say that,"_** Costia narrowed her eyes. Mass mercy killing was one thing, intentional mass murder of innocent people was something else altogether. Even Clarke had had her arm twisted when she pulled that lever at the mountain. He came into the room asking Costia if she had lost her mind but she was worried now that maybe he lost his. Losing Lexa, killing Lexa, having everything he ever believed in proven wrong, maybe this was the last straw for the old man.

 ** _"We have already discussed this. You came to terms with it. Stop going backwards, Titus. I know you were Leksa's teacher long after I was gone, but had she taught you nothing?"_** She inquired. Her words were harsh but her tone was soft.

He looked at her miserably, she knew she hit a nerve. She also knew that even after everything, Lexa wouldn't want her to give up on him.

 ** _"Things are never black and white, Titus. And you know by now that this blood is random,"_** she spoke his worst nightmare out loud, hitting yet another nerve.

 ** _"Heda…"_** he tried.

 ** _"Quiet. I've tried to be patient with you, but it's time. This ongoing denial doesn't become you, Fleimkepa,"_** she took a step forward and put an arm on his. **_"You and I fought on many occasions over the years. I have thought you stubborn, and old fashioned, and yes, I have, at times, thought you ignorant. But I never thought you were a fool. Open your eyes. I need you to,"_** she concluded. It was an order. He never refused an order in all his years of service.

 ** _"You are asking me to accept too much,"_** he put his face in his palms.

 ** _"This had to be done,"_** Costia pointed out. This was an actual life or death scenario. **_"It's only them two. And Dara is the mother of one Natblida, the adoptive mother of two others who went on to become Commanders."_**

 ** _"Dara is one thing, but… him?"_** he inquired, his voiced laced with venom. What he really wanted to say was ''the man behind the deaths of three hundred of our people." But they were all their people now.

 ** _"We had to test it on someone from skaikru, too. And to be honest, if not all of them return, Bellamy has higher chances at surviving and coming back with answers that we desperately need."_**

He nodded in defeat. He had no choice. He knew that strategically it was wise and calculated, but it was still a bitter pill to swallow.

She considered reminding him that Becca, too, created her own Nightblood in a lab. But the man was hardly keeping it together as it was. So she chose something else to say. Something that she's been keeping from him for quite a while.

 ** _"She asked me to tell you that she forgives you,"_** Costia admitted quietly. She didn't plan on giving him this relief just yet, she told Lexa she won't, but the man needed it and compassion was something Costia believed in way before she knew it was one of the three pillars of being the Commander.

 ** _"She did?"_** he asked in a broken voice, tears filling his eyes.

 ** _"She did,"_** Costia confirmed and swallowed hard. **_"You are forgiven for the past. By her, at least,"_** she couldn't help herself. She wasn't ready to forgive him yet. Maybe not ever. **_"Make the future count."_** She ordered and left him there, standing alone in the room she used to share with the woman Titus shot. The woman who forgave him.

* * *

When she walked into the lab Bellamy and Dara were no longer there. Abby and Raven, however, were. Raven was packing some tools.

"Can we do it after you return?" Costia inquired, pleasantries forgotten. "The thing, I mean?"

"You are not very good with hellos, are you, C?" Raven teased.

But Costia just wanted some good news, any good news.

"We need more healing time," Abby replied apologetically. "I'm really sorry, Commander.

"But why?" Costia asked in exasperation. The hardest part of the day was still ahead of them, the send off, and already the day was weighing heavy on her.

"Because you don't want to rush this," Abby pointed out.

"And the material Becca wanted me to use for the last piece takes a while to dry permanently," Raven added with a grimace.

"So, more time," Costia huffed in frustration.

"Yes," Abby confirmed. "Not **too** much time, though."

* * *

The elevator hit the ground and Costia got off with a heavy heart. A part of her secretly wished they would be all wiped out before this day arrived. Then her soul could've been with Lexa's forever and she wouldn't have to be directly responsible for the lives and deaths of more people. But there she was, and it was time for the send-off.

She took a post by Clarke's side. Titus, who was right behind her, nodded at Thomas to make sure he remained with Costia while Titus himself joined a group of people who stood by a pyre.

"What are they doing?" Clarke questioned just as someone threw a torch to lit the pyre and Titus started chanting. They were too far and he was too quiet for them to understand the words.

"They're praying. For a safe journey and the safe return of our people," Costia explained.

The fire grew bigger and Costia's lip twitched. It was hardly noticeable, but Clarke did notice, and not for the first time. Costia has been subtly reacting to all sorts of things.

"You don't like the fire very much, do you?" Clarke tried cautiously.

Costia turned to look at her in surprise. She was so sure she was being stealthy. A damaged Commander wasn't exactly ideal, but rather than see pity on Clarke's face, she saw concern.

"I don't like many things, it seems, not since Ontari," Costia chuckled bitterly. "Isn't that ironic? I am the carrier of the Flame but get me too close to a flame and I freeze."

"What else?" Clarke inquired softly.

Costia looked at her intently, wondering what exactly Clarke was asking her.

"Tell me?" Clarke requested gently.

"Anything sharp isn't exactly great," Costia shrugged. Clarke knew the magnitude of that. Costia was a warrior. But Costia pushed through. She stood by fire, and she held swords when she needed to, which was often, heck, she held a sword for Clarke, in order to teach Clarke, and for that Clarke was grateful.

"I actually haven't slept in **_Azgeda_** much, I was always alert." Costia shared even further. She knew there were things she couldn't discuss with Clarke, not yet, maybe not ever, but she was comfortable around her advisor, that much was certain. . "I only started sleeping normally again when I got the Flame."

 _Because of Lexa,_ Clarke assumed.

"I'm not sure it's because of Alex," Costia smirked, guessing Clarke's thoughts. "The Flame is meant to fix things, make things work better. My brain was broken."

"And it made it work better," Clarke realized. PTSD was, after all, a neurological condition.

Costia nodded. She knew Clarke would understand.

"It didn't help with the fire and sharp things, though," Clarke observed. "Not entirely."

"No, but it made it much, **much** better."

"Then what do you do?" Clarke asked both in worry and in curiosity. A little bit of awe, too, because no matter what, Costia kept pushing through.

"Tunnel vision," Costia shrugged.

 _Focusing on the target,_ Clarke realized, _pushing everything else aside. Essentially ignoring her own fears, her own pain._

"I was always like that, though," Costia turned to look at Clarke. "You are like that, too," she observed.

Clarke offered Costia a small smile. It was refreshing for her to have someone who understood the capacity of her actions and feelings. She didn't have that, not since Lexa, and the thing about Lexa was that Lexa didn't know what losing Lexa felt like. Costia did.

 ** _"Heda,"_** Titus approached them, "they are ready for you."

The young Commander sighed. It was time.

She stepped toward the main humvee. The volunteers were gathered around it. Some seemed alert and focused, some were in their own worlds. Maybe praying, maybe wondering whether they'll come back from this quest.

She greeted them one by one, shaking hands with those who wanted the gesture, wishing them farewell.

She turned to Bellamy.

"Stay in touch on an hourly basis until you are out of radio range, and get back in touch the moment you can," she ordered.

"Understood," he promised.

"I am counting on you to bring these people back alive, Bellamy," she continued. She knew he understood exactly what the stakes were but she wanted to make a point.

"I will give my life to make sure that it happens," he swallowed hard.

"Only if need be," she smirked.

"Only if need be," he replied with a ghost of a smile.

"Good," she concluded and he climbed to the passenger seat, clearly trying to clear his head.

She felt guilty. By letting Octavia go to Arkadia she didn't give the two a chance to say a proper goodbye, but this was bigger than all of them.

Dara approached her. Costia hesitated for only a moment before she hugged the woman tightly.

 ** _"Make sure they eat well,"_** she told the woman she loved so deeply, the only family she had left, ** _"but if worse comes to worst, I'm giving you permission to eat them."_**

 ** _"Kostia!"_** Dara scolded.

 ** _"I'm joking. Sort of. But if you don't come back I'll be very mad at you."_**

 ** _"I will be alright,"_** Dara brushed off.

 ** _"Mom…"_** Costia started with a shaky voice, she hardly ever used the term on Dara. **_"I'm serious. I know a thing or two about leaving with no intention of coming back. Or rather, thinking that coming back is unlikely."_**

Dara grabbed Costia's face in her palms. Costia didn't look like her Commander at that moment, she looked like her daughter.

 ** _"But you tried to come back,"_** she pointed out, her voice soft.

 _So many times,_ Costia thought, _in my dreams, in my head._

 ** _"I did, and even that wasn't enough, but if I didn't believe in coming back in the first place…"_**

 ** _"I'll do my very best, Kostia. I'll eat Brenann if I must."_**

 ** _"Dara."_**

 ** _"I'm joking. Sort of."_**

Costia allowed herself a real smile and took Dara in for another embrace. She kissed her cheek tenderly.

 ** _"I love you,"_** she whispered in Dara's ear.

 ** _"I love you, too, my child. Be a good Commander,"_** Dara took Costia's hands in hers, squeezed them, and turned around to get on the humvee before she'd change her mind about the whole thing.

Most people were already on the vehicle.

Costia turned to the few that were still left, surrounded by family, friends, or grabbing one last item.

 ** _"Emori, make sure you guys don't get lost, Nyko, please don't die while those people still need you. Brenann…"_** she sighed. **_"Just stay out of Dara's way."_**

He nodded sadly and turned around for one last goodbye from his family before climbing into the humvee. Nyko and Emori nodded at her and followed him.

The doors were shut, the engines were ignited, and the humvees started their journey.

Costia watched them gaining more and more distance. Titus was once again by the pyre and Thomas was cautiously watching her from a safe distance, giving her a moment to gather her thoughts.

Clarke stepped next to her quietly.

For a while they stood there, silently staring at the departing expedition that was getting smaller by the minute.

"We have a prayer, too," Clarke finally spoke, still facing forward. "We usually say it to part with our dead, but it somehow feels appropriate now."

 _In case they don't die, but also in case they do_ , Costia realized.

She didn't push Clarke, she just went back to follow the line of vehicles with her eyes, letting Clarke decide what she wanted to do.

Clarke hadn't said the words since she said them to Lexa. It took everything in her to open her mouth again, but it felt like something she had to do.

She started shivering. Costia noticed. Whether Costia connected the dots regarding the reason for Clarke's hesitation or not, Clarke couldn't be certain, but a few moments later a hand found the way into hers, giving her a comforting squeeze and the strength to say the words to her departing friends, to their delegation of possible saviors. She finally spoke.

"In peace may you leave this shore,

In… in love may you find the next,"

She took a deep breath, gathering the strength to continue, her voice cracking.

"Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground." She swallowed hard.

"May we meet again."

* * *

Notes:

1\. Costia kept Lexa's forgiveness from Titus Since chapter 53.

2\. The **_Skaikru_** prayer. "Clarke hadn't said the words since she said them to Lexa." On Lexa's deathbed, that is, episode 3X07. That is why it was so hard for Clarke to say the words again.

3\. I think many people would've think instinctively that the connection between Clark and Costia would've been strained, but the way things are between them in this story always made so much sense to me. There's jealousy, but also so much respect and understanding and genuine care. I hope this chapter and those that came before it help you see why.

I also really loved writing this ending. It really felt to me like something that Clarke would feel like she had to do.


	61. De Seken Chapter 59

**Chapter 59**

 _Two Weeks Later…_

Costia walked into the lab, her eyes immediately searching for Raven's. Pain was written all over her face, and not the physical kind. Over the course of the last few days she walked in, hopeful, just to have that hope shattered. Every day it was a little bit scarier to come in.

The women working in the lab didn't even have to ask why she was there.

"We're ready," Abby stated, a big smile adorning her face.

"Are you absolutely sure?" Costia asked hesitantly, refusing to let her guard down without another reassurance. There was nothing she wanted more, and the wait was driving her mad, but a failure would be much worse.

"We are. Are you?" Raven challenged, smirking. She was teasing, but Costia knew there was more behind it. They were playing with fire, and there was no middle ground, no "sort of" doing it. They had to be either all in, or all out.

Costia didn't go through everything just to let fear get the best of her on the moment of truth. She was all in.

"Tomorrow, then," she nodded, allowing a small smile to sneak onto her face.

Abby and Raven couldn't help but mirror the smile. It was both the circumstances, the knowledge of what they were about to attempt and the fact that they've never seen the Commander like this – hopeful, almost joyous.

Costia was thinking that maybe tonight would be an appropriate night to go and see Lexa, but as much as she wanted to let Lexa's loving words assure her, they didn't. So she couldn't bring herself to go see Lexa. She had to focus, she had to clear her head and move forward without thinking about what came after.

"Thank you," she told the other women genuinely, not masking her utter gratitude.

"Let's see it's working, first," Abby reminded. She didn't want to ruin the moment, but she wanted Costia to have realistic expectations, mostly to prevent the sheer disappointment that might occur if they didn't manage to pull this off.

"Whatever the result is tomorrow, you tried, you worked hard, and for that I'll always be grateful," Costia promised. "No matter what happens."

 _What happens matters, a lot,_ she added in her head.

"You may have saved us all," Abby reminded, "if there is something we could do in return, we're happy to do it."

"I couldn't have saved you without you," Costia pointed out. "All of you."

"I guess that's why they say it takes an army," Raven joked, trying to add some levity to the conversation.

Costia chuckled but then her face got serious again. "If this works, this will benefit not just the present, but our future, too. And with the expedition gone, I'd very much like to start thinking about a bright future."

"Well, there's a chance everything would be on fire so that'd be bright indeed," Raven noted casually.

"Raven!" Abby scolded, but Costia burst into a loud laughter.

"Well, they should've just about reached their destination now, so either way, we'll know soon enough," Costia informed. "I will leave you to it, but sleep well tonight," she ordered, "we're going to do the impossible tomorrow." She gave them one last smile before exiting the room.

Raven sighed.

 _What she just said is a paradox,_ she thought and turned to Abby.

"I know things are complicated and are bound to become even more complicated," she spoke, "but I'd be really happy if we could make this happen for her."

"Things **are** complicated," Abby agreed, "but, so would I."

* * *

Lexa was losing her mind, just like she had lost the count. She had no idea how long it's been. She was standing on the cliff, staring at the ocean, wondering if she's been standing in that spot for minutes, hours, days, or weeks.

Costia never left like that after a fight. Her love's biggest fault was that she was always trying to solve everything on her own, that she would internalize so much, sometimes until things reached the boiling point. But she never checked out on Lexa, especially after they finally got together. They'd keep arguing, they'd be on edge around each other for a couple of days, but they'd never run away from the problem, they'd never go to bed without saying I love you even if they weren't on the best terms. This was one of the many reasons why Lexa had so much faith in them. But now?

 _Now who knows?_

Maybe her system was all wrong. Maybe the page numbers were all coincidental. Maybe Costia was only gone a few moments.

 _Then again, maybe Costia is dead in the sort of way that wouldn't allow her to be here. But wouldn't that mean the Flame would've been destroyed, too?_

 _Unless it was taken from her while she was still alive._

Lexa growled.

She had to know.

A second later she was in front of Becca's door. She could've just appeared right inside, but she was still Lexa, respectful as ever, who believed that knocking on a person's door upon arriving unannounced to their place of residence was the right thing to do.

It started raining. It never rained. Lexa was soaked within a minute. She didn't feel a chill. Not physically, anyway, and just as she raised her hand to knock, the door opened and Becca greeted her.

"Lexa." There was no question or surprise, just an acknowledgment. "Come in."

"How did you know I was here?" Lexa inquired in shock.

"It's raining," Becca pointed out.

 _Of course,_ Lexa realized. _I'm part of the backbone of this place now. I'm the one who's doing this._

"I was wondering when you'll show," Becca admitted. "The mainframe has been acting weird for a while."

Lexa felt guilty. Her mood directly affected changes in the Flame. She was supposed to be at peace, enjoying the afterlife, but instead there was Costia and Costia always turned her world upside down. Except usually it was in the best way possible.

"I'm sorry," she swallowed hard. "Did I… did I hurt anyone?"

"No, Lexa," Becca smiled. "You can't hurt anyone, not in here. Though I'm sure they're wondering about the weather."

Lexa blushed. That wasn't something that happened, ever. Being at the presence of the First Commander was still weird at times. No matter how much more she knew now, no matter the fact that she realized with some hardships that her religion was not what she thought it was, Becca was still the first in the line of successors that ended with her. And now with Costia.

If nothing more, Becca crated the thing that would potentially allow her and Costia the forever they always dreamed about.

 _If Costia ever speaks to me again, that is,_ Lexa thought bitterly.

"I'm here because…"

"Costia is fine," Becca cut her off, but her tone was soft and kind.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

 _Dumb question,_ she thought, _of course she's certain, she's Becca._

"Yes, Lexa, I'm sure," Becca confirmed without showing any signs of irritation.

"Then why isn't she here?" Lexa demanded.

"I can't speak to that," Becca offered calmly.

"When will she be here next?"

"I can't speak to that, either," she seemed apologetic.

"What is she doing right now?" Lexa tried desperately.

"Lexa…"

"I know, I know," Lexa didn't need to be told, or scolded. Answering that question would be an active invasion into Costia's privacy, a line Becca wasn't willing to cross, if she even could.

"Just answer me this," Lexa pleaded, "she's been gone for more than a day, hasn't she?"

Becca seemed to consider whether she should answer the question or not. Lexa had no idea what Becca's set of arguments for and against was, but Lexa's face showed so much heartbreak, more at the not knowing than anything else, that Becca decided to speak.

"It's been three weeks, Lexa. I'm sorry."

Lexa nodded in acceptance. She felt heartbroken and torn. She wanted Costia to live her life fully, in a way, Lexa pushed her to that, but she was talking about the future, not immediately, and she wondered if she pushed Costia too far, if she would ever see her again at all. Now that she had a system, a system that Becca basically just confirmed was working, Lexa knew that she gave time a shape. She single handedly created time for herself. But now it meant that she was going to feel it passes, passes without Costia. It's almost as if she found peace once she was in the Flame, especially after the City of Light, and Costia reappeared miraculously and threw that balance to the wind. For the first time ever, Lexa's existence revolved around Costia. Something she could never afford before, something that was always true to Costia when it came to Lexa. She could finally commit to Costia completely, in a way that in the past she could only dream of, and Costia didn't want that.

Lexa could've just called her, she knew. Have a do-over of that conversation that pushed Costia away, finally tell her about her system. Maybe Costia would even be impressed. But Lexa didn't want to seem too dependent, and worse, she wasn't sure Costia would show up even if she did call her.

"I don't understand how we got here," Lexa shared uncharacteristically. She needed to sort her thoughts and Becca was the only one who could maybe give her some input. "It was hard when she showed up for the first time, after everything we've both been through, but then it was great, for a while. And I knew something started bothering her, but she wouldn't tell me what. I tried to tell her that she's everything I ever wanted. I don't know where it went wrong. Where **I** went wrong," she finished and bit her lip to stop the tears from coming down.

They heard a loud thunder from outside.

"You didn't go wrong, Lexa," Becca tried to comfort. "It's something she had to deal with on her own."

"Things always end badly when she deals on her own," Lexa observed.

 _Costia being a Nightblood, Costia planning to lose the conclave, Nia._

 _Maybe they don't end badly, exactly, but we always take a long detour instead of solving things together much faster._

"She loves you," Becca assured. "When I do have access to her thoughts, the one main theme is that everything she does she does with you in mind."

"Then why isn't she here?" Lexa asked brokenly. "Why doesn't she want to see me?"

"You'll see her soon enough, Commander" Becca offered gently and squeezed Lexa's hand. "I promise."


	62. De Seken Chapter 60

**A/N:** Hello. This chapter is the reason this whole story exists.

 **Chapter 60**

Costia was standing in the lab, facing the door. She wasn't really seeing anything, she was lost in thought, biting her lip unconsciously.

Her mind kept going back to Becca's voice in her head the night before.

 _She gave you all the reassurances you needed and you still don't believe her,_ the First Commander annoyingly pointed put. _Then why are you even doing this?_

 _Because even if she's not mine anymore, I'm still hers,_ Costia replied.

 _Exactly, so do it, do it with a heart free of doubts,_ Becca concluded.

It was a good notion to have at present, a few last words of encouragement, and a moment later Titus walked into the lab. The man was clueless as to why he was summoned to a place he hardly ever visited, purposefully. But not for long.

"You wanted to see me, **_Heda_**?" he questioned and looked around. He didn't like being there, surrounded by all the things he didn't understand, faced with the truths of his collapsing faith.

"Yes, Titus."

 _Here goes,_ Costia braced herself. _Talking him into doing this might actually be the hardest part, which, all things considered, is crazy,_ she snorted subtly, but Raven heard her and guessed easily enough what Costia's been thinking. She shot Costia a knowing smirk.

"I've been talking to **_Bekka Pramheda_** ," Costia started calmly. He always seemed unsettled when she mentioned it, as if it was a violation of something sacred, but at the same time this was what the Flame did, maintaining the connection between the current Commander and the past ones. But no Commander before Costia ever communicated with Becca so directly. "She's been helping us," Costia continued cautiously, trying to choose every word carefully.

"I am aware," Titus nodded. "The expedition, the preparations…"

"No, Titus," she stopped him. "She's been helping us with something else."

She gestured with her head to Abby and Raven. They nodded and left the room.

She moved around the table behind her and revealed something her body was blocking from his view up until now. Something he recognized immediately.

It was an old piece of a space suit, serving as a bag. She opened it, revealing his familiar surgical tools and a metal box he knew very well. There was a skull drawn on it.

"Why is this here?" he inquired suspiciously, an unpleasant feeling started spreading in the pit of his stomach.

He was there when Costia accepted the Flame. The bag has been in the temple ever since. Costia clearly grabbed it. She may have not been the Flamekeeper, but at the end of the day, she was the Flame, and everything in that temple belonged to her to do with as she pleased. Except he couldn't figure out what Costia could possibly want the kit for.

Costia picked up the scalpel.

"What is this?" he asked in growing concern. "What are you doing with this?"

She didn't reply, she just stared at the scalpel seeming focused and determined.

A moment later Abby and Raven came back into the room, rolling in something that looked like a glass coffin. He had never seen an incubator before. But it was see-through, which meant Titus saw what, or rather, whom was lying inside.

His breath caught in his throat. He was horrified. He was sure Roan burned her body, adding to Titus' own sin by not laying her to rest with the rest of the Commanders. Yet there she was, right in front of his eyes, and somehow, he didn't know how, there was color in her cheeks. She almost didn't seem dead at all.

Costia turned around to scan her dead lover's face. She hasn't seen Lexa in three weeks, but she hasn't seen Lexa's body ever since she put it under Abby and Raven's care, almost three months prior, when Roan brought her from **_Azgeda._**

She seemed so different to Costia now. Costia had a feeling that if she'd touch her skin it won't be frozen like the last time. It will be warm. Warm enough to fool Costia into thinking Lexa was alive.

Costia didn't even realize she was about to reach out her hand, even though she wasn't within range of the incubator. It was Titus' hoarse voice that stopped her.

"What are you doing with her?" he demanded in a shaky voice. He tried to sound angry, but Costia, now back in the present, knew that he was afraid. She was, too.

"Abby?" Costia turned to the older woman, letting her explain.

"I took out the bullet," she started and Costia didn't miss the guilt-ridden expression on Titus's face. "Months ago, actually. I've stitched her up, the internal organs that were damaged, too. We let her heal. She's connected to a ventilator, and she's getting transfusion with fresh Nightblood, which both balanced her body temperature and…"

"I don't understand," Titus cut her off in frustration. "I don't know what any of that means," he seemed more lost than anything else. Costia almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"Medically speaking," Abby tried a simpler choice of words, "she's in perfect shape."

"Except for the fact that she's dead," Raven reminded nonchalantly.

"Yeah, that," Abby agreed.

"But we're going to change that," Costia stated calmly and stepped toward the body. She didn't have to turn around to know that Titus's eyeballs were probably about to pop out of their sockets. She knew she said exactly what he assumed she would, what he was hoping beyond hope that she wouldn't.

"What do you mean…" he struggled with his words. "What do you mean we're going to change that?" he demanded. She turned around and could tell it took everything in him not to jump her and try to strangle her. He would've not succeeded, she knew. She wasn't fazed. She put her hand on Lexa's, sighing in relief when her suspicion was proven true.

 _Warm,_ she thought. She turned back and locked eyes with Titus, making sure he didn't miss a word.

"I need you to take the Flame out of me and put it back in her." She didn't even flinch at the words. Titus, however, couldn't take it anymore.

"This is blasphemy!"

"You love that word," Costia smiled bittersweetly, "but it's only blasphemy if it doesn't work, and it will."

"How can you be so sure?"

 _Has she lost her mind?_ He wondered. But, no, by the way her eyes were piercing his, he realized that not only did she know exactly what he was thinking, she also knew exactly what she was doing.

"The Flame is meant to fix things that don't work," Costia explained. "It locates a problem and it tries to accommodate. That's what it was created for. It's meant to heighten the human host's abilities. Lexa's body is intact; we need that thing that will re-launch her brain activity. Lexa needs a spark," she tried to simplify, "we're going to give it to her. We're going to take her out of the Flame and put her back in… well, her," she concluded.

"She'll remember all of her time in the Flame…?" Titus started to follow, forgetting for a moment his initial fear and anger once he realized this might actually work.

"That's the plan," Raven confirmed excitedly.

Titus shook his head. This was too much, too fast.

"If you found her body you should've told me so I could've put her in the sacred temple," he insisted.

"Or…" Costia walked toward him, "I should've figured out a way to give her her life back. Which I did. Now," she picked up the scalpel again, "Abby can do it, we don't need you. But Titus," she grabbed his hand, softly, "you ended her life. That's your burden. Don't you want to play a part in bringing her back? She'd want you to be a part of this, she'd want you to be the one who handles the Flame." Her eyes showed him genuine care.

 _She's been planning this for months,_ he figured, stunned.

He considered her words, quickly understanding that this will happen whether he stays to witness it or not. He had no authority to prevent this from happening, he wasn't sure he wanted to, anymore, either.

"Titus," Costia squeezed his hand, "how many people wish they could undo the wrongs they did? I'm giving you that chance."

"How can you possibly know that this is going to work?" he scanned her face, not in anger, in awe. He wished he could have half of her resolve. Especially since the situation was literally life altering.

"We're about to have a little help," she smirked and turned around. Abby patted a chair, and Costia came to stand right in front of it.

"You had it all wrong, you know, all these years," Costia stated calmly. "Thinking love is weakness?" He couldn't look away from her. If she's been scared, it didn't show. She was so good at this. Getting people to do her bidding, getting the impossible done. She was Lexa's perfect match.

Abby picked up a syringe and pinched Costia's skin while she was still standing.

"Love is strength," there was fire in Costia's eyes as she said the words. "Maybe now you understand."

He started to. How could he not? How could he not realize how much stronger Lexa was for having been loved. So strong she was, in fact, that this love was possibly about to help her beat death itself.

It was that love which brought Costia back to them, to help save them from what's coming, all in order to maintain Lexa's legacy.

It hit him then, after all these years, that maybe together, Lexa and Costia were invincible.

He nodded and came down to his knees in front of the now seated Costia.

"I understand, **_Heda_** , I'm sorry," he started shaking. It was a combination of everything. He felt like he should've done more to protect them, both of them, better.

"It's working," Costia noted and Abby nodded and moved around her.

"What is?" Titus asked in confusion and stood back up, following the doctor with his eyes.

"Local anesthesia," Abby explained. "You're going to open up her neck again but there's really no reason for it to be painful. What I injected her with made the area numb."

"Titus," Costia demanded his attention. "We need to turn the Flame off before we take it out, otherwise we might just fry my brain."

"Alright," he agreed and bent near her neck. "Quia nunc vale," he whispered. It was a weird scenario. He never had to use the phrase when the Flame was still in someone's body because that someone was dead and the Flame turned itself off. Also, Costia's neck wasn't even cut open yet, making him seem like he was whispering to her neck.

"That's not enough," Costia stated, "not today. Give me a second."

She closed her eyes.

 _Shut it down,_ she thought, and knew right away it worked. When she opened her eyes she felt dizzy, and something was missing. Like a constant hum that was in the back of her head for months, keeping her balanced.

 _No matter,_ she thought.

"What just happened?" Titus inquired, scanning her face in worry.

"I made sure I don't die when you take this thing out of me," Costia provided matter-of-factly.

"How?"

"I asked the First Commander nicely," she smiled sweetly and he stared at her in shock, still not believing Becca was in on all of this, so deeply involved.

"Raven," Costia turned toward the mechanic, "she asked me to remind you…"

"Yes, I know. That she looks like that bitch ALIE." Raven's jaw tensed, but a moment later she seemed fine, pushing through, dealing with her own demons.

"ALIE looked like **her** , actually," Costia corrected. She herself never encountered the other AI, but she knew how much pain and destruction ALIE left in her wake. "Anyway, she knows what you've been through, she wants you to be prepared," Costia concluded softly.

"Bring it," Raven sent a determined smile her way.

"Okay, then, I'm ready," Costia clenched her fists on the chair's handles. "Take it out."

Titus nodded and picked the scalpel from the table.

"You're sure this isn't going to hurt her?" he asked Abby in concern and Costia couldn't help but admit it warmed her heart a little bit.

"I promise you, our Commander is going to be just fine," Abby reassured.

 _I just won't technically be the Commander anymore,_ Costia noted to herself.

Titus approached her and was about to place himself behind her when she grabbed his arm.

"Titus, if anything happens… remember the contingency plan we made before my ascension?"

She knew she should be fine, hypothetically. They already shut down the Flame. But until it was out of her and she was still breathing, she wasn't going to take any risks.

"Yes, **_Heda_** _,"_ it was weird. He knew the Flame was no longer a part of Costia, that traditionally she wasn't exactly a Commander anymore, that she descended, yet he wasn't sure that it made any difference. She was the person whose orders he wanted to follow.

"The plan is the same," Costia stated.

"I understand."

"Then do it."

He lingered a second longer to give her a chance to change her mind, but she seemed like she was never more sure of anything in her entire life.

 _Am I really about to take the Flame out of a living Commander?_

He shook his head to rid himself of doubts. It was at that Commander's order that he was about to do what he was about to do. He had to believe she knew better than him what was best.

He put the scalpel to her neck and cut a straight, vertical line, along a relatively fresh scar, only three months old. It was still healing. Costia didn't even flinch. He looked at Abby in amazement but she simply offered him a reassuring smile. He gently put his fingers into the wound and the Flame slipped easily into his hand. He turned around and Raven was there, metal box in hand, open and ready to host the Flame if only for mere minutes.

"Thank you," Titus offered softly.

He started stitching the wound, but Abby showed up by his side

"Here, let me help," she offered politely.

He stepped aside and let her work, watching her actions intently.

"If you loop it this way, the scar will heal faster, and won't be as thick," she explained kindly. Nothing about her manner was condescending.

"I told you that you stitch like a butcher," Costia looked up at him, offering him a smirk. To her surprise he smiled in return.

Abby put gauze to Costia's neck.

Titus stepped away from them and examined the Flame. He used a cloth from his pocket to clean it of blood.

"We need to turn her," Abby gestured at Lexa's body and Costia was on her feet within seconds, feeling dizzy again.

Raven caught her hand.

"You okay?" she inquired in worry.

"Yes, thank you," she smiled at Raven gratefully and walked toward the incubator. Abby opened the cover completely and took it off with Costia's help, leaving Lexa on the bed part of it, still wired to machines.

Costia sent Abby a questioning look.

"On her side," Abby answered the unspoken inquiry. "Softly."

The three women very gently did so and Titus approached them, scalpel in hand again.

"This is the part you are used to, **_Fleimkepa_** ," Costia noted, but he still hesitated. "You can't hurt her Titus," Costia pointed out softly. "She's already dead."

He nodded and took one last step, placing himself next to Lexa's neck. He sliced her skin open, letting the blood flow outside. It was warm on his fingers as he planted the Flame back in. Nothing happened. And then…

"Ascende superius," he spoke and the Flame was brought to life, glowing within the inside of Lexa's lifeless body.

"Now what?" he wondered out loud.

A second later Abby was next to him, partially wrapping a gauze around the open wound.

"We need to keep her open a while longer," she explained.

"Raven built a little something we're going to use," Costia smiled at the mechanic who was now picking up a cable from her work station. Costia was supporting Lexa's position by putting one arm on her hip and the other on her back.

Raven connected one side of the cable directly to the Flame, and the other to a computer console which was located in close proximity to the bed. She sat herself in front of a keyboard.

Titus had no idea what was going on, so he decided to let the women do their job and focus on what came after.

"We bring her back, then what?" he asked Costia softly. It wasn't an accusation; he really didn't know the full extent of Costia's plan.

"Then she'll take back what's hers. The throne," Costia replied instantly, calmly. "They call Clarke the Commander of death, how do you think they'll react when they see a Commander who conquered death itself?" she smiled gently and he looked at her, thoughtful, understanding that Costia was right, if it worked, Lexa would be perceived as a god.

"How are you not scared?" His voice was quiet, curious.

"I am terrified," she admitted openly, "but I have to try."

"I need those access codes, C," Raven requested from her post in front of the console.

Costia left one arm on Lexa's hip and used the other to get a note out of her pocket.

"0-9-2-8-1-9-5-1," Costia provided while Raven was inserting the digits.

"You wrote it ahead of time," Titus noted.

"I knew I won't have my way of communication with Becca anymore," Costia explained.

"She gave you that… that code?" he asked, now more curious than horrified by the concept of Becca's involvement.

"She gave Raven instructions as to how to build this cable," she gestured at the thing that ran between Lexa's neck and the console. "We needed to connect the Flame to an external computer and it's not like it is compatible with any other existing device. So, Raven here had to build something completely new," Costia looked at the other woman who turned around in her seat to wink at Titus. "And then Becca set up this code and gave it to me so Raven could enter it once the Flame was connected to our computer console. That way, Raven can access the Flame manually," Costia laid out.

He understood maybe a tenth of what she tried to explain, and she could tell by the dumbfounded expression on his face. She offered him a smile. As far as she was concerned he didn't have to understand it, he just had to support her decision.

A moment later the screen lit up and Becca appeared on it.

"Well, it's about time," the First Commander said.

"Is that…" Titus eyes widened, but he was ignored.

"Raven, Becca, Becca, Raven," Costia introduced excitedly. The first part of their plan worked. It was a good sign. "Raven's a genius," she added.

"Hello, Raven," Becca smiled softly, "I heard a lot about you."

"You're absolutely sure you are not evil like the other one?" Raven investigated challengingly from her place below the screen.

"Well, I'd like to think I'm not, even though I have done regretful things," Becca replied genuinely, pain evident on her features. "And I'm sorry you had to deal with her. It appears that she was a mistake that will haunt me forever."

"Okay then," Raven allowed. "I can work with that."

"Becca, this is Doctor Griffin," Costia pointed at the woman who was currently checking Lexa's monitors.

"Doctor," Becca nodded.

"Abby, please," the woman smiled in return.

"And this is Titus," Costia gestured at the man next to her. "Titus, meet the First Commander. And don't ever say I don't give you anything."

The poor man seemed like he was just about to have a heart attack.

 ** _"Bekka Pramheda,"_** he almost whispered.

"Hello, Flamekeeper," the First Commander spoke directly at him. "I've heard you served many Commanders. Thank you for watching over the Flame all these years."

"He would be down on his knees if he could but I suspect he is both shocked, and supports Lexa's body," Costia noted flatly. "What do we need to do?" she asked the woman on the screen.

"You've done your part, Commander, now it's my turn," Becca provided. "Just be there when she wakes up. Be the first thing she sees."

Costia didn't need to know Lexa has been asking about her. Being the first thing Lexa saw when she woke up was always the plan.

"You really think this will work, Commander?" Titus asked hesitantly, not believing he was witnessing a god. Not believing that he was daring to speak to his god, a privilege only past Commanders had. Yet there was Becca, conversing with not only him, but two more **_skaikru._** No doubt he was having quite the eye-opening experience.

"We're about to find out, Flamekeeper," Becca replied calmly.

Costia started to get nervous. They were so close.

"Are you sure she will have all her memories?" she inquired, and not for the first time. "From her time inside the Flame as well?"

 _Because if she doesn't, she wouldn't know I'm alive, she wouldn't know that we… everything,_ Costia thought. Their reunion, nights of lovemaking, the cliff, the ocean.

"She will remember, Costia. Or at least, she should. We're re-downloading Lexa into her own brain and we'll let the Flame do the rest."

"What **is** the rest?" Titus questioned, still unsure whenever he addressed Becca.

"We're going to use the Flame to restart Lexa's body," Becca explained. "Her brain."

"A spark," Titus repeated Costia's words from earlier and the women next to him nodded with a little smile.

"I need you to step away from the table," Becca requested.

"Why?" Titus inquired. He didn't want to leave Lexa's side.

"Because she's about to send a massive surge of electricity through Lexa's brain," Raven explained nonchalantly.

Costia shifted Lexa's legs in a way that kept Lexa's body on her side even without their support, and covered her lower body with a blanket.

She then took a small step back, not touching the table, but still standing close by.

She sent Titus a reassuring smile and soon enough he followed her actions and took a step back.

"The brain is how everything in our bodies knows what to do," she told him. "And the Flame is connected to the brain. Lexa's body is totally fine now. If we can get her brain to start again, even for a second, for the Flame to communicate with it, enhance it, let it realize that the body is not in a critical state anymore, guide it to communicate with the rest of it again, it'll start doing what it's supposed to do again," Costia concluded.

"Hypothetically," Titus pointed out and swallowed hard.

"You of all people shouldn't underestimate the power of the Flame," she reminded him.

She kept a cheery front, but she was terrified, she so badly needed it to work.

"Oh boy, this is happening," Raven jumped in her seat. Costia thought she looked like a kid with a bag of candy.

"Alright," Becca announced, "in three, two, one…" and they heard the buzzing coming from the cable, then the bed shook, and Lexa's body started convulsing.

But nothing else happened and the convulsions stopped.

"It didn't work," Titus noted and Costia could see the disappointed expression on his face.

"It was never meant to be just one surge," Becca said. "Three, two, one…"

Another surge went through and Lexa's body convulsed again, yet, still, nothing.

Titus turned to the screen, a questioning look on his face.

"It was never meant to be two surges, either," Raven provided with a smile and a moment later Becca spoke.

"Three, two, one…"

A third surge came along, seeming much stronger than the others and as it hit Lexa's body and went straight to her brain she started convulsing, much harder this time, and her body kept doing so without stopping.

A smoke started coming out of the console.

"Whoa," Raven stood up but there wasn't much she could do, especially since Becca's face was still on the screen. She turned around and looked back at the woman who was having spasms on the bed.

"Just like starting an old car battery," Raven noted in awe and Costia sent her a glare. She took a quick step forward, grabbing Lexa's arm, trying to hold her in place.

"Come on, my love, come on," Costia blurted in desperation. This was it.

The convulsions got stronger and stronger.

"Come on!" Costia called. "If anyone can do this it's yo…"

Suddenly, Lexa gasped. Everyone in the room except for Costia squeaked and jumped in initial fear. It wasn't like in the old movies Costia watched, where people who came back from the dead sat straight right away, gasping for air. Lexa didn't use her muscles for months, Costia knew her movement would be greatly limited, but she fought for air, and that meant she was alive.

"Holy shit," Raven couldn't look away. "Holy actual shit."

Lexa gasped once more as if her lungs were learning how to breathe again. Costia grabbed Lexa's face between her hands, not believing her own eyes.

"Hey, hey, shhh, it's me," Costia tried, but Lexa wouldn't stop rolling around which seemed like the only movement she could accomplish.

"Becca…" Raven sent a meaningful look to the woman on the screen.

"Do it, Raven," Becca confirmed.

She jumped to her feet and quickly disconnected the cable from Lexa's neck before the woman could hurt herself. Becca immediately disappeared.

Lexa was clearly confused and disoriented. Abby stepped forward, but Costia sent her a look to stop her, to say with her eyes "just give us some space."

Costia tried a different tactic, she started caressing Lexa's cheek.

"Alex, you're okay, you're alive, I'm right here. We brought you back."

Titus watched the whole thing in utter shock. He took a few steps backward, feeling like he might pass out from the sheer raw emotions he was experiencing all at once.

 _She did it,_ he thought, looking at Costia. _She found a way to undo death, for her._

Lexa locked eyes with Costia and Costia could see she was crying.

 _Is this some sort of a weird nightmare?_ Lexa was wondering. Her entire body felt so heavy, there was pain, there shouldn't have been pain.

"Hey," Costia softly laced their fingers, "I know you are scared, and I know you can't move, but, trust me," Costia pleaded desperately.

She pulled Lexa's shirt up gently and all the other people in the room turned around to give them some privacy.

"Here," she led Lexa's hand slowly to her stomach. "Do you feel this? This is the scar from the bullet that killed you," her eyes filled with tears as she said the words, and it was at that moment that Lexa realized the person in front of her couldn't be anyone but Costia. Her eyes widened in surprise at the impossible understanding. "You didn't have it inside the Flame because you never saw it, remember? But here it is. And it's still fresh because Abby patched you up a few months ago, it's still healing," she explained. She opened Lexa's palm and used her own finger to trace another scar on the inside of Lexa's palm. "This is from your battle with Roan. When you killed Nia. I've heard you stopped his sword with your hand. Wonder where you learned that trick," she allowed herself a little chuckle, but it was full of emotion so she almost choked.

Lexa has yet to say a word, she was too overwhelmed, but she started to comprehend.

 _Scars are a proof that we're alive,_ Titus' words echoed in her head. Her breath quickened.

Costia mistook it for distress so she kept going, speaking as softly as she could.

"And this," Costia added and slid their joint hands to Lexa's ribcage. "This one you do know. It's from when I threw a bangarang into your ribcage," Costia's voice cracked again, she was wondering if this was helping at all. What if there was brain damage? What if Lexa couldn't speak?

"Boomerang," Lexa corrected hoarsely. It sounded more like a cough.

"What?" Costia asked, hopeful, not sure that she'd heard right.

"I said…"Lexa coughed, but Costia didn't care, the woman she loved was responsive, and alive. "I said you threw a **boomerang** into my rib-cage," Lexa repeated.

Costia stared at her in shock for a few seconds, but then her face split in a wide grin. She was overjoyed.

Lexa smiled weakly back at her. She had so many questions. She wanted so much to believe this wasn't some cruel trick her mind was playing on her, but what other explanation could there be? Nothing like this could happen in the Flame. She didn't have dreams. This, whatever this was, it had to be real.

 _How did she do this?_ She wondered. _This is not possible._

She turned her head and saw she was connected to a bunch of wires.

She looked back at Costia, a slight panic in her eyes.

"It's okay," Costia provided, guessing right away how the scary visual must have affected her lover.

Lexa wouldn't look away. She tried to reach out, but her hands were too weak. Costia knew what she was trying to do. She grabbed Lexa's hand and put it on her face, letting Lexa's fingers feel her skin.

"You feel different," Lexa noted, not able to stop her exploration.

"I do?"

Lexa nodded. "You feel real," she explained and her lower lip started trembling.

"I didn't feel real before?" Costia asked in disappointment.

"You did, but there were so many senses missing inside the Flame," Lexa elaborated and Costia was relieved to learn that indeed, Lexa remembered. "Now there's pain," Lexa continued.

"I'm sorry," Costia seemed torn, she stood up quickly, intending on giving Lexa something for the pain.

"No, Costia, pain is good, pain is real, and you're here. You're real," tears started falling down from her eyes and onto the mattress.

"I'm real," Costia confirmed and grabbed Lexa's hand so she could kiss it.

Abby coughed, making both women look at her.

"We need to stitch your neck," she explained apologetically, looking at Lexa weirdly. She couldn't believe she was talking to someone who only minutes ago was dead. "Can you sit?"

Lexa tried, but she couldn't move much.

"Here," Costia offered softly. She slid one arm under the mattress to get to the small of Lexa's back, and the other she put around Lexa's hip, slowly, gently helping her sit up.

"I'll numb the area," Abby explained to the recently revived Commander. "You've been through enough pain."

"No," Lexa refused. "Pain is good. Pain means I'm really here," she turned and smiled at Costia who gave her a dazzling smile in return. "I want to feel everything," she gave Costia a meaningful look. She felt like she hasn't seen her in so long, but there Costia was, alive, they both were, and it was better than anything Lexa could've hoped for.

"Would you do the honors?" Abby offered Titus the stitching kit. He took it hesitantly. It was the first time Lexa realized he was in the room.

"Titus," she acknowledged with a smile.

 ** _"Heda,"_** his voice was hardly audible. There was much more he wanted to say, but he knew this wasn't the time.

"Holy float," Raven blurted, stepping next to Abby. "We actually did it. We actually brought someone back from the dead. And she's smiling, and talking like a normal person, you know?"

"I know," Abby confirmed. Her mind, too, was yet to process what had just transpired. As a doctor, as a scientist, as a human, she knew she'd never be the same.

Titus looked at the two women. He couldn't hear them, but he could see it in their eyes. They were in shock. They all were. He looked back at Lexa's neck and tried to mimic what Abby just showed him when she stitched Costia.

Costia got a peek.

"Not bad," she smiled at him. He nodded in gratitude.

" ** _Thank you_** , **_Fleimkapa_** ," Lexa searched his eyes.

He didn't know what to say, how to speak to the woman he killed, the woman that he loved as if she was his own child. He nodded again, put the tools down and quietly left the room.

Lexa followed him with sad eyes.

"Just give him time," Costia offered softly, making Lexa turn back to her. "He needs to process. So do you."

Lexa's eyes didn't leave Costia's. She had so many questions, so many hopes. She didn't even know where to start. She still couldn't believe it all.

She was hungry, she was in pain, her throat was begging for water, and she loved every second of it all. It was overwhelming. She wasn't even sure what sorts of thoughts a person who just came back from the dead was supposed to think. One minute she was in her cabin, reading a book and trying to not feel so heartbroken over Costia, and a second later she woke up in a strange place, alive, Costia right by her side.

"What?" Costia asked in confusion after a few silent moments.

"You brought me back to **life** ," Lexa shook her head in disbelief. "How?"

"Science," Costia deadpanned and received a weak chuckle in return. It's been so long since Costia used this answer to explain to Lexa how she knew something that Lexa didn't understand. It's been months since Lexa used this answer to explain the Flame to Costia. But now Lexa could understand it all, and Costia intended on explaining it to her, one step at a time.

"What are you?" Lexa demanded, piercing Costia's entire being with a look of astonished adoration.

Costia could feel the tears coming. She swallowed hard and leaned her forehead against Lexa's before quietly providing her with an answer to her question.

"Your second."

* * *

Notes:

1\. "She was the Flame, and everything in that temple belonged to her to do with as she pleased." When I originally posted this chapter around November 2016, it was right after I binged watched all of _The Crown._ This scene here, in which Titus realized that at the end of the day his tools **were** for Costia to do with as she pleased, really reminded me of this scene from _The Crown_ (spoilers) where a young, pre-coronation Elizabeth needed to choose between an assortment of crowns to wear to her coronation. It was heavy so she asked if she could borrow it so she could practice walking with it. The man in charge of the collection said "borrow it from whom, ma'am? Who does it belong to if not you?" and I just loved that timing and the parallels I saw between the two scenes. PS – have I mentioned I'm a nerd?

 _2\. "_ "The Flame is meant to fix things that don't work." Costia explained. "It locates a problem and it tries to accommodate. That's what it was created for."" Back in episode 3X07 Becca explained the purpose of the Flame to her Polaris crew. This is why she wanted it for Polaris, for the Ark. She wanted it integrated with their systems (through a human, presumably) so it could alert about danger, increase their survival chances by locating a problem and finding a solution. She said the needs and wants of the humans are the needs and wants of the Flame. No reason for it to not do the same for a human host, except that the system it's integrated with is the human body itself in this case.

3\. "Quia nunc vale" are the words that were used to turn off the Flame on the season 3 finale (you can also hear Becca say it to the yet-to-be-functional Flame in episode 3X07.) What it means in Latin is something like "goodbye for now," which, if you think about it, is a beautiful choice because "goodbye for now" is extremely close in meaning to "may we meet again." Both phrases are about a hopefully temporary separation.

I'll also remind that "Ascende superius" which also appears in this chapter and has been introduced on canon (episode 3X12) as the code word to turn the Flame on, means "seek higher things" in Latin.

4\. Costia and Becca both found it necessary to warn Raven about Becca's physical appearance and they were right to do so. Can you imagine how hard it must've been for Raven, who's seen ALIE, who's been possessed and used and nearly killed by her, to see her image again? Everyone was making sacrifices in order for this to work. I didn't want to belittle Raven's or ignore it. I very much wanted to acknowledge it.

5\. "Titus, if anything happens… remember the contingency plan we made before my ascension?" Chapter 43.

6\. "I told you that you stitch like a butcher." Chapter 45.

7\. The whole section with Costia and Lexa's scars - Costia was hoping that showing Lexa her scars, old and new, meaning a scar that Lexa knew she should've had but never seen before, would help convince Lexa that this was real. First came the gunshot scar, then came the one on Lexa's palm from her fight with Roan when she stopped his sword with her hand. It's something us viewers would never forget and something that I liked insinuating Costia taught her. Which is why Costia said to her "wonder where you learned that trick?" (she learned it from Costia, long ago, in volume 1, chapter 10!)

8\. " _Scars are a proof that we're alive,_ Titus' words echoed in her head." The notion that scars are a way of making a person know that they're alive is something Titus taught Costia and Lexa's class of novitiates all the way back in volume 1, chapter 25.

9\. "I said you threw a **boomerang** into my rib-cage." And my favorite throwback, we're talking all the way back to volume 1, chapter 4 here. This was actually quite emotional for me because Costia always insisted on calling it "Bangarang." Lexa always corrected her, and I wanted this to be the one scar that finally pushed Lexa to speak. So her first word to Costia after being brought back to life wasn't something cheesy, but it was something that was meaningful to the both of them, it was a tease, it was something important enough that Lexa finally managed to utter words.

10\. "Science." Lexa used this reply to tease Costia in chapter 47. However (and I'm copying from an earlier notes here), Costia used to tease Lexa by replying "science" to certain things Lexa didn't understand. Exhibits can be found in volume 1, chapters 4, 14.

11\. Phew. This chapter has been in the works for so very long which is why it contains so many throwbacks.

When I started this fanfic I postet about it on my tumblr (shokoshik), saying that I like to fix things. Most of my fics are something like that. Really, it's almost like a genre on its own which I named "alternative canon." :D It's not exactly an AU now, is it? This whole story was meant to be my therapy post Lexa's death.

How?

By bringing her back. In the way that felt the most organic, most scientifically logical within the sci-fi world the show created, in a way that I wish I could see on the show. I even consulted my doctor friend early on to see if this made sense. Considering the brain is still a huge effing mystery and the world of _The 100_ plays with sci-fi rules, she actually liked it, she thought it worked.

And I needed us to know Costia so well, that we'd know that if someone could think of this idea, could be loyal and crazy enough to attempt this for Lexa, it'd be her. So I needed to spend months letting the readers get to know her, or rather, my version of her, so all the rest of it would make sense. To bring us to the single moment we have with this chapter, and then see how we move on from that.

I was hoping it would help me cope with the loss of my favorite character on TV in years, help me mourn, and it did. It really did (but to be fair I spent 9 months working on it.) Maybe I should call it denial instead, but I just created for myself a version of events in which this is what happened after she died.

And that's why, even though not many people are invested in Costia, even though they weren't that many readers (though those who read were loyal and incredible!) I still kept going. I needed this for myself.

Now, I'm sure this was one twist some of you guessed, and unlike some other surprises in this story, with this one's build up I wasn't entirely hiding it. :D All the way back in the first chapter of volume 2, chapter 39, when Costia was still the prisoner of **_Azgeda_** , she realized that the Ice Nation had lost the Flame, that Ontari didn't have it, hadn't ascended, and she said "it breathes new life into me…" which is what Lexa told her about the Flame straight after her ascension. That concept that the Flame might mean life, struck Costia early on. She didn't know the exact details, but for the first time in forever, it gave her hope, which is why right after, she commanded Roan to let her out. Which is why she was more eager to escape. This wasn't just about going back to save Lexa's legacy, this was also about exploring the chance of bringing Lexa back. Which is also why, in the very same chapter, she reacted very badly when Roan told her Ontari asked him to burn Lexa's body. She thought that just as quickly as she found hope, she had lost it. She was relieved when he told her he didn't follow Ontari's orders. And when he asked her "what would Lexa say about all of this?" she replied with "you can ask her yourself when you see her." He thought Costia lost her mind, but she didn't, she just had a plan.


	63. De Seken Chapter 61

**Chapter 61**

"I still can't believe we pulled this off," Raven quietly admitted to the Commander next to her. Abby was by the bed, checking Lexa's vitals while the two younger women stood a little further.

"You had doubts?" Costia raised her eyebrow.

"Well, this was a crazy idea that has never been tried before, so yeah, you can say I had doubts."

Costia chuckled.

"Hey," Abby approached them. "Her blood pressure is still a little low, but that's to be expected when one, hmm…"

"Comes back from the dead?" Raven offered nonchalantly. Abby ignored her.

"She should be okay otherwise with the IV, but I recommend that she eats something real, soon."

"Okay," Costia nodded.

"Do you want us to go grab something? Raven offered kindly.

"I'd appreciate that, thanks," Costia confirmed, knowing it was also their way of giving Lexa and Costia some time alone. "And… thank you," she added genuinely. "I couldn't have done this without you. Both of you."

"Hey now, don't get all sentimental on us, Commander," Raven nudged Costia with her elbow. Costia smiled. Her message was received and she knew it.

They gave Lexa one last glance, witnessing the literal miracle of life, and left the room.

Costia approached the bed cautiously. In a way, what was still ahead was way harder than what they've just been through.

It didn't help that the moment she stepped into Lexa's line of sight again, a huge smile spread on Lexa's face.

"I can look at you forever," Lexa released a shallow breath.

"Likewise," Costia offered with a soft smile of her own. The fact that the woman she loved, the woman who died, was here, right in front of her, alive, still didn't sink in. But when Lexa looked at her like that she felt the pressure of expectations. Maybe it should've made her feel better, knowing that Lexa just assumed that they could continue where they left off, but it wasn't that easy for Costia. It was hard even in the Flame, when it was just them, to put these thoughts to rest. It was so much harder now when they were in the real world, and the real world had more people in it to consider, a fact that Lexa didn't seemed concerned with.

 _Not yet, anyway,_ Costia thought. There were still in a bit of a bubble. What happens once Costia shared the news with more people?

"What's the plan here, Cos?" Lexa asked, trying to figure out what was behind Costia's contemplative expression. "You basically ascended me," Lexa pointed out.

Costia sat herself down next to Lexa. Lexa's muscles were still stiff, and Costia saw her struggle to move her fingers. Costia was quick to lace their hands. She wasn't going to deny that of Lexa. She may have been confused but she didn't bring Lexa back just so she could be cruel to her.

"You get better," she stated full of conviction, "then you go back to lead. That was always the idea."

"Just… continue where I left off?" The question was funny to Costia. Lexa didn't seem to doubt that line of action when it came to other aspects.

"Yes, Alex, you were never supposed to die in the first place," Costia mentioned as if it was obvious.

"Other Commanders died young," Lexa pointed out sadly.

"Other Commanders didn't have me," Costia reminded. It wasn't a tease, or a flirt, it was somewhat a declaration of devotion.

"No one has you. No one is that lucky," Lexa concluded, voice cracking.

 _Except for me, I am that lucky,_ she thought.

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to do this?" she inquired softly. She wasn't blaming Costia, she was just curious.

"I didn't want to get your hopes up. What if it didn't work?" Costia explained and just the thought of a potential failure brought tears to her eyes.

"But you didn't fail. You never fail," Lexa noted.

"Don't say that, it's not true," Costia stood up and turned away.

"Cos," Lexa tried. "Costia, look at me," she insisted, and Costia did. She already felt like she was failing Lexa, messing the whole "welcome back to the world of the living" thing for Lexa. She wanted to be exclusively positive and joyful, but she couldn't. Except that this was so new that whenever she saw Lexa she had to pinch herself again.

"I still can't believe that you're here," she offered Lexa a bittersweet smile. "Every time I see you I think I'm dreaming."

"Well, it has been less than an hour," Lexa chuckled and Costia joined her. Lexa knew Costia was changing the subject, but her love was right, they all needed time to process. "But I know what you mean. I keep waiting to wake up and then I realize, I **have** woken up. And **you** did this."

Costia hesitated but eventually gently moved Lexa's body a bit so she could lie down next to her. She leaned on her elbow, looking down at Lexa, just letting Lexa know that if she needed her, Costia was there. There was discomfort she wasn't ready to talk about, but she was more than willing to ignore it for the woman that she loved.

"I know it's hard," she started softly, deciding to allow herself to caress Lexa's stomach over Lexa's gown, "but Abby will work with you, and you **will** go back to your old self. I think the Flame will help speed things up as well," she added. She was almost certain it was true. She could already feel the effects of not having it anymore. Her mind was a bit more clouded, she knew she had a restless night ahead of her, but if the Flame could help Lexa recover faster in the same way that it held all damaged pieces of Costia's brain together, than Costia was willing to make that sacrifice.

"You know what else would surely help with a quick recovery?" Lexa flirted. She couldn't believe she was yet to lay her lips on Costia's. She wanted to kiss every inch of Costia's body. She wanted to fall asleep next to her, wake up the morning after, knowing exactly how much time passed and feeling every muscle burning from sweet, sweet exertion.

"Food," Costia deadpanned. She saw Lexa's expression, she knew what sort of answer Lexa wanted to hear, but she couldn't play this game when she knew Lexa was so overwhelmed that she wasn't even thinking yet about a second chance she had with another person that she loved.

"Food," Lexa repeated, a childish smile spread on her face. "Finally taste something real." She closed her eyes and hummed. She hadn't enjoyed food in a very long time. "Something real and appropriate, I mean," she added, opening her eyes and letting them pierce right through Costia. Suddenly, she was so hungry, in all the possible ways. It was an incredible feeling.

"Well, Abby and Raven went to get you something, so just a little while longer, okay?" Costia's tone was soothing, caring. It made Lexa feel so safe. It made her remember endless nights that looked just like that. She couldn't believe she got another go at it.

 _I'm never letting you go again,_ Lexa thought.

"I love you," she nearly whispered. "Thank you for all the amazing gifts you have given me my whole life, and thank you for this one."

"Alex…" Costia got chocked up. She didn't know what to say and Lexa was giving her the most loving look.

"And I'm sure you make an incredible Commander," Lexa added meaningfully.

"I make a great temporary solution," Costia shrugged.

"You make so much more than that, I'm sure. I saw the way Titus looked at you. He never looked at you like that before."

"Like how?"

"Like he finally realized who you really are, what I've always known. Like you finally broke him," Lexa explained adoringly.

"He had no choice but to be broken. The world is changing all around him."

"Are you sure you don't want to remain **_Heda_**?" Lexa knew that she would gladly step in, even if it was just to take that burden away from Costia, but she had to make sure her lover didn't want it now that she got a taste of it.

"Don't you want to be back on that throne?" Costia assumed she knew the answer, she knew her love. Lexa wanted to serve, even if she also wanted to be free of her duties, she was an ambitious woman. But with Costia by her side she didn't have to choose.

"I do," Lexa admitted.

"Then I really don't mind passing the torch, so to speak," Costia smiled, "I never wanted this, anyway."

"No, you never did," Lexa smiled sadly. "It seems like forever ago that I wanted you to travel, to get all your dreams come true. Instead here you are."

 _Stuck with a title you never wanted, following me wherever I go, even if it's to the afterlife and back._

Costia tried so hard to avoid getting too close, but she couldn't help it when Lexa blamed herself for everything that happened to Costia. It's been years since Lexa thought that way and Costia didn't care to see it again.

"My dream was always you," she stated with a shallow breath. "I just didn't know how to put it in words yet when we were kids."

Lexa tried to move her fingers. She managed to pick her entire palm. Costia thought about helping her but she could tell Lexa wanted to do it alone and the fact that she already made progress told Costia the Flame **was** helping. Slowly but steadily Lexa let her hand climb up her own body until she found Costia's hand that was still on her stomach. Lexa covered it with her hand. She leaned her head a bit more to the side, to feel even a little closer to Costia who was still looking at her from above, leaning on her elbow.

"At least you got to see the ocean," Lexa smiled hopefully. She created her own ocean in the little corner where she was supposed to spend eternity, for Costia, in Costia's memory.

"I did," Costia confirmed and hesitated only a moment before she leaned down and kissed Lexa's forehead softly. "I guess you never know."

* * *

Costia was walking down the hall, rolling her shoulders. She was stiff from spending the whole night on a chair next to Lexa's bed. Lexa tried to convince her to share her bed but Costia insisted that Lexa's body needed room.

The sleep itself was restless as Costia assumed it would be. Unrecognizable flashes of black and red seeped into her dreams, making her wake up with a start in the middle of the night. For a second, in the dark, she thought she was back in **_Azgeda_** and that everything that happened since her escape was a dream. That nano-second was so overwhelmingly heartbreaking, she nearly started to cry, except then her eyes started to get used to the darkness and she found machine lights all over the room and soft loving eyes staring at her, grounding her back to reality.

"What's wrong, my love?" the woman in the bed asked quietly, worriedly.

"Hey," Costia rubbed her eyes, subtly trying to stabilize her breath. "Why aren't you asleep?" she asked, her own concern now coming to the surface.

"I slept for months," Lexa smiled sleepily, "I'd much rather look at you. It's nice, you know."

"What is?"

"Inside the Flame I could just look at your profile whenever. Now I need to fight to keep myself awake to get to watch you sleep. It's like now I'm actually working for it, so I deserve it. I earned it."

Costia groaned now, remembering the exchange from the night before. Lexa sure didn't make it easy on Costia to remain distant. Especially when the last thing Costia actually wanted was to be distant. She longed to touch Lexa, she longed **for** Lexa. For so long she longed for her and Lexa was out of her reach, and now Lexa was there, actually there, and even though Costia felt like she was sharing her lover for the first time ever, hard as she tried, it was hard to not let herself go when she was around Lexa. She could hardly leave her this morning but Lexa finally faded to sleep and Abby promised to make sure Lexa was comfortable and to call her if Lexa woke up.

Costia dismissed her cranky guards and tried to clear her head, because she had a certain combat lesson scheduled and she knew she and Clarke might be fighting, but it won't be physically. Now that Costia executed her months' long plan successfully, it was time to tell Clarke and she had a feeling Clarke would find at least one thing to not be happy about.

"Commander."

The voice made her stop in her tracks. Apparently she didn't have as much time to decide what to say to Clarke as she thought she did.

She turned around and smiled sweetly. She was about to say good morning when she realized Clarke wasn't alone.

"Octavia, you're back!"

"I am. Rode throughout the night," she smiled victoriously. "We got it. We found the material we needed," she reported excitedly. "And we started to make the things we need in Arkadia, but I'm going to talk to all the ambassadors and see if the villages can help with producing."

"That's wonderful news, Octavia, but maybe get some sleep first?" Costia teased.

"Right. Look who's talking," she scoffed. "Respectfully, Commander, you look like shit," she concluded and disappeared down the hall.

"She's not wrong," Clarke observed."You seem distraught, or very tired. I can't tell the difference anymore. What is it?"

Costia bit her lip, she had no idea where to begin.

"Costia, come on, you can tell me. The whole point of me being your advisor was that we could share some of the burden, right?"

"Hmmm…"

"What?" Clarke was losing patience by the second.

"Right, so, Lexa's alive, and…"

"Costia," Clarke cut her off sharply, she didn't appreciate joking around when something was clearly bothering Costia, and she even less appreciated the joking being about Lexa.

Costia sighed quietly.

"Clarke, I'm being serious," she locked eyes with her advisor, making sure Clarke knew she was being genuine. "I found a way to bring her back, I didn't tell you, we prepared for this for months and it actually worked," she tried to say as much as she could before Clarke stopped her, and based on the fact that Clarke seemed frozen in shock, Costia knew the questions will arrive soon. "I would never lie to you about something like that."

"You did what?" Clarke asked flatly, not sure if she was mad because she didn't believe Costia, or because she **did** believe Costia and wasn't too happy about what she was hearing.

"The first time I met Becca we talked about it, and how if Lexa's body was intact the Flame might be used to re-launch her brain activity, and…"

"Costia," Clarke stopped her, a pained expression on her face, "Lexa's body was **not** intact. Ontari made Roan burn it," she seemed tortured. She really didn't want to re-live it all.

"Clarke," Costia pleaded, grabbing both of Clarke's hands in hers, "Roan didn't do it. He told me back when I was in **_Azgeda_**. He wouldn't tell me where she was but I made him once I ascended."

"What are you saying?" Clarke pulled her hands away, glaring at Costia in disbelief.

"He brought her back here, she's been in the lab ever since. Your mother patched her up, took care of the damage to the internal organs, too. We let her body heal for months inside an incubator."

"My **mother**?" Clarke shook her head in disappointed.

"I'm sorry, but I made her and Raven not say anything. This is not on them," the last thing Costia wanted was to damage the relationship between Clarke and the two women who helped her bring Lexa back.

"Raven?" Clarke started laughing darkly. "I do not believe you."

"We needed a way to connect to the Flame manually. Becca gave us instructions on how to build a cable that could do that, so that once the Flame was back in Lexa's body, after Titus took it out of me and put it back in her, Becca could send electrical surges that would restart her brain. Raven has been working on this for months, basically making this cable out of thin air. They are miracle workers, Clarke," Costia offered excitedly, hoping that at some point of this conversation Clarke would realize this was a good thing, an incredible thing.

"Right, so you are telling me you don't have the Flame anymore," Clarke scoffed skeptically.

"I… I don't," Costia confirmed sadly. "Can't you of all people tell?" Clarke was the only person who knew just how crucial the Flame was to Costia's own well being.

Clarke let her hands drop. She scanned Costia's face again. Dark circles under her eyes, something subtle but more fidgety about her demeanor.

"Oh my god, you **are** being serious," Clarke realized, her face going completely white.

"I… I am," Costia confirmed cautiously.

Clarke nodded then swallowed hard. Costia could tell she was trying to figure out what to say. Her face went from nothing, to joy, to anger in mere seconds.

"How could you do this?" she spat.

"How could I… how could I do this?" Costia hissed. She grabbed Clarke's elbow and dragged her into a nearby room.

"How could I try and do everything within my power to bring back the woman I love, the woman who wasn't supposed to die, the woman who belongs on that throne, back from the dead?" Costia countered in anger.

"What were you thinking?" Clarke barked.

"She **wants** to be alive," Costia objected. "If the Commander always puts his people first, who takes care of the Commander? Who puts the Commander first?" Costia demanded. "I'll tell you who. Me! That was always my job!"

"The world is coming to an end. You brought her back just so she could die again? See everything she cherishes dies around her?" Clarke blamed. "It was selfish."

"It was," Costia admitted sadly. "That doesn't mean it wasn't right either," she added. "I brought her back so she could see everything she cherishes **survives**. Let her be a part of that," Costia explained. "We need her, and she would want to be here and help. I can't be the kind of Commander she can be," Costia provided honestly, pleading with her eyes for Clarke to understand.

"That's not true," Clarke objected softly. "You showed us that's not true."

"I don't **want** to be the Commander," Costia admitted. "I never did. These people… I can keep going, I could do this for the rest of my days because if she's gone I know that's what she would've wanted me to do, but then I'm depriving these people from a leader who is honored to lead them, who feels that sense of duty," Costia tried to explain, speaking her most inner truth. "I don't feel that. But I know someone who does."

"You don't feel a sense of duty?"

"I do," Costia shook her head in frustration. "I feel a different sense of duty. Towards individuals, not towards the masses."

"With everything that you are, where you come from, everything you've been through, how can this be true?" Clarke demanded in disbelief.

"Because I don't have faith in much. But I do have faith in her, and she has faith enough for the both of us, for the entire world, and that's how I know that this is right," Costia insisted. It was the one thing she knew with clarity ever since she was back in her cell in **_Azgeda_** and realized the Flame was the key to do this. She didn't like the way Clarke's words made her feel. As if she didn't think this through. As if she didn't do what was best for Lexa.

Clarke stared at her, absorbing her words, but not saying anything.

"You should go see her," Costia added brokenly. "I won't be there," she turned around to leave.

"Why didn't you call me?" Clarke asked in devastation. "I'm a Flamekeeper, too."

Costia was wondering if this was what Clarke was actually upset about. She wasn't sure she'd get a straight answer at the moment even if she asked.

"It wasn't about shunning you, Clarke," Costia explained, saddened that the other woman would think that way. "It should've been Titus."

"Why? He's the man who killed her in the first place," Clarke pointed out bitterly.

"He's an old traditional man who just had his entire belief system collapse," Costia paused. "And Lexa would've wanted him to be the man on the job. I believe in forgiveness and second chances, so do you," Costia reminded. "Who knows if it makes us good, or just stupid, but we do. And that's part of why she loves us."

Clarke was stunned. Costia's admittance that she knew Lexa loved Clarke, still did, mustn't have been simple, Clarke knew. Knowing everything she now knew about Costia and Lexa's past she realized how hard it must have been for Costia to accept that Lexa loved someone else.

 _And still she let me in, and still she became my friend,_ Clarke thought, feeling the fight leaving her, at least for the moment.

"Do you forgive him?" Clarke asked brokenly.

"I don't know, but I do know she'd want him to forgive himself. And that was the only way I could think of in order to give him that."

* * *

Titus walked into the lab hesitantly. Abby nodded at him and kept working, she knew he wasn't there for her.

He approached Lexa's bed finding his former student reading. They helped her bend her knees so she could lean the book on her legs, and the page flipping was a good initial exercise to get the mobility in her fingers back. Also, she was bored.

 ** _"Heda, am I disturbing you?"_**

She only then noticed him. He walked in so quietly, uncertainly.

 ** _"No, teacher, not at all,"_** she smiled at him softly. She was happy to see him. She was happy to see anyone since she asked Abby not to call Costia when she woke up a couple of hours prior, assuming Costia was surely busy. But it meant guests were greatly welcome and since Lexa didn't know if Costia told anyone else she was alive, she was happy to see him. Especially since his early departure the day before left her saddened.

He nodded in thanks and sat himself down on the chair next to her bed.

 ** _"How are you feeling?"_** he asked politely, he didn't have the slightest idea where to begin.

 ** _"Alive,"_** she replied with a soft smile. She didn't want to add that she also felt useless, and while her love was running around, leading their people, she could hardly flip a book page. But she didn't want to go to that emotional place with him. He served her for years, she wasn't going to seem weak in front of him.

He smiled back at her, but she could see the sadness in his eyes.

 ** _"She really did do the impossible,"_** he scanned her face. **_"May I?"_** he inquired hesitantly and got a gentle nod in return. He reached his hand and caressed her cheek, moving his fingers lower, cupping her chin. She looked so young to him like this, stripped of any armor or war paint, staring straight into his eyes. Had he seen her in the woods he could've easily thought she was a simple farmer's daughter, going through life with laughter and no worries.

 ** _"I am so very sorry for what I did to you,"_** he let both his hands and head drop. Lexa could tell he was crying silently because his body shook.

 ** _"Fleimkepa, look at me,"_** she ordered, comforted by how easy it felt to command someone to do something again.

He followed her order and looked up.

 ** _"I am truly glad you are here,"_** she stated genuinely. **_"And I was truly glad to see your face yesterday. Thank you for taking a part in all of this."_**

 ** _"I almost didn't,"_** he admitted.

 ** _"Then why did you?"_**

 ** _"Kostia,"_** he provided immediately.

Lexa smiled and shook her head.

 ** _"She finally got to you, you are doomed now,"_** she chuckled. **_"I forgave you long ago, didn't she tell you?"_**

 ** _"She did, even though I could tell it wasn't easy for her,"_** Titus explained with a grimace.

 ** _"Then why are you so torn, teacher?"_**

 ** _"Because I don't deserve it."_**

She had nothing to say to that. He was going to have to live with what he did, learn how to move past it. All of them had to learn to live with a lot of things

 ** _"Tell me honestly, Titus. How is she doing? Is she commanding well?"_** Lexa inquired. When she asked Costia about what was going on, Costia gave her general updates, but avoided talking about herself and how she felt about it all unless Lexa really pushed. Lexa knew Titus would tell her things as they were, as he observed.

 ** _"She's…."_** he took a deep breath. **_"She's so very wise, and so very strong. And she's not afraid of making tough choices. She's so very good at this. I suspect she always was."_**

Lexa smiled. **_"You never really saw her for whom she was, who she is."_**

 ** _"I never did,"_** he admitted with remorse. **_"I think I'm beginning to understand. Her love brought you back to life. If you truly were alone, like I taught you…"_**

 ** _"I would not be here right now. And who knows, maybe I would've died much sooner."_**

He nodded in sad agreement, not bothering to mention that were she alone he would've probably never picked up a gun. Because, who knows? Maybe with no Costia Lexa would go to see Nia herself and would end up dead. Maybe with no Costia, Lexa would never have believed in herself enough to unite the clans. One thing became increasingly clear to him – without Costia Lexa would still be remarkable, but she wouldn't be as strong, she wouldn't be the Commander who beat death.

 ** _"She have served you well and loved you well, and you loved her well, too,"_** he acknowledged and put his hand on hers. **_"You deserve each other."_**

* * *

Costia walked into the lab completely lost in thought, but the moment she saw Lexa a huge grin spread on her face.

"What?" Lexa demanded innocently, though she knew exactly what. She had the same thought the moment she laid eyes on Costia. This was real.

"You're alive," Costia provided simply.

"I am," Lexa sighed in content. "I really am."

Costia chuckled but moments later her face darkened.

"Hey, what is it, my love?" Lexa inquired in concern.

"You want to be here, right?" Costia barely managed to ask. It was very clear uttering the question was near impossible.

"Costia, what…?"

"Should I have not brought you back? Was I being selfish?" she took a few steps forward so she won't miss even the subtlest hint of Lexa's body movement. She wanted the truth. Clarke's words have been haunting her all day. If she was wrong about this, it would break her heart, destroy her completely.

"Costia, I'd give anything to have another chance to be with you in the real world because if there's one thing I'm certain of in all of this insanity is that I want to be with you more than anything," Lexa vowed. She lifted her hand a few inches in the air and Costia was quick to grab it and clasp it between both her hands.

 _You say that now,_ Costia thought sadly. _You haven't seen Clarke yet._

"What brought this on?" Lexa demanded. "How could you even think I wouldn't want to be here with you?"

"Because the world might be ending," Costia shook her head. "What if I brought you back just for you to die again in a few months, and witness everything else dies around you?"

"I want to be here," she squeezed Costia's hand, as much as she could. "I'm so grateful you found a way to bring me back here," she promised. "And if the world is ending, then I will be by your side, forever, however long that may be for us," she concluded, face radiating of determination.

"And if we survive?" Costia asked miserably. But Lexa didn't back down, she offered Costia a loving smile, instead.

"Especially if we survive."

* * *

Notes:

Let's summarize where we were at the beginning of the chapter and where we are now. Realistically, just because Lexa's back didn't mean everything was dandy. She's not physically fit for anything just yet, Clarke didn't know, the apocalypse's still coming, and Costia? Costia wasn't dealing very well with anything.

When it comes to dynamics and relationships no one is 100% good or bad, there's a lot of gray area. The one thing that can be said about our three main ladies is that they're all unsure of themselves. Lots of self doubting and general doubting all around.

In volume 2 the story is being told in jumps of days and weeks, rather than months and years like in volume 1. Some specific events required more time for exploration. Like the first few days after Costia's return to Polis. This event is like that. We're at the halfway mark to ALIE's deadline, a lot of things are in motion, and everything will be addressed in the next few chapters that explore the days following Lexa's resurrection. All the reunions, all the choices, all the hardships. As readers I suspect some would be happy, some won't, some will be torn. But isn't that exactly what life is? Especially life in the world of _The 100_. With that in mind, I at least hope what's coming will feel emotionally realistic.


	64. De Seken Chapter 62

**Chapter 62**

"Hey," Costia walked into the lab, rubbing her eyes. She spent the night in her own quarters after Lexa ordered her to do so. That didn't mean she got any sleep. Meanwhile, she saw Lexa was squeezing a ball in her hand.

"Costia, what's wrong?" Lexa asked the moment she saw the dark circles under Costia's eyes.

"Nothing, Alex, I stayed up late to work," she lied. She always hated lying to Lexa, she didn't have to in so long, but how was she supposed to say that sleep didn't come easy without the Flame?

"Why?" Lexa demanded suspiciously.

"Please, don't worry about it," Costia begged, "you'll have enough time to worry about everything once you are out of here. How are you feeling?" she inquired softly, sitting herself down on the chair next to Lexa's bed.

"All I know is I can hardly move my feet," Lexa huffed in frustration. "All this medical talk, that's not what our people are about."

Costia knew that by now Lexa was full of information to suggest otherwise, she just wanted something to blame for the slow progress of her healing process.

"Alex it was the Flame that brought you back," Costia scoffed. "Remember what you told me when you just got it? That it looks like something that belonged on the mountain?"

"Yes," Lexa confirmed in annoyance.

"You can't tell me the Flame isn't what our people are about," Costia chuckled. "You are self aware now. More than that, you've been a part of the Flame. You understand things now that you were never taught before. You know this all started with Becca who was technically **_skaikru_**. And even **if** this was a mountain thing, I'm from the mountain. You always told me that this is what makes me special," Costia reminded challengingly.

"It is, but…"

"And lets me see things from other perspectives," Costia added. "Physical therapy, use of technology, it's not just the mountain's way, it's the sky people's way, too."

Lexa nodded.

"And considering what we know about the Flame now, it's the clans' way, as well. It's not about our way or their way anymore, it's just about whatever works. So I guess it all comes down to… Do you trust me?" Costia asked hopefully.

"Costia! I find this question insulting!" Lexa scolded in disbelief.

"Do you?" Costia insisted. She needed to hear the words.

"With my life, I mean, obviously!" Lexa looked around to emphasize the point.

"Then believe me when I promise you this. If you work hard, if you re-train your brain to work with your body, if you eat what Abby gives you, you **will** be back to your old self. Sooner rather than later."

"What is sooner?" Lexa sighed.

Costia grimaced. They had two days of being happy that Lexa was alive before this helplessness got to her lover.

"Honestly, I don't know," Costia admitted. "It can take months, with gradual progress. But the Flame might play a part in speeding things up. I think it will, and Abby agrees with me. The fact that you can squeeze that ball already? That's amazing," Costia offered Lexa a small smile, hoping Lexa would understand that she was already making big steps that would normally take much longer.

"Okay," Lexa surrendered. Costia had never let her down. Costia never unfulfilled a promise. Lexa trusted her completely. "Will you be here to hold my hand?" Lexa teased.

"You know that I will."

* * *

"So where are they now?" Lexa inquired curiously. Costia was filling her in on everything that happened during the three weeks they haven't seen each other. Granted, Costia still didn't know Lexa knew she was absent for that long.

"If everything went as we hoped, I think they started making their way back, maybe a couple of days ago?"

"This will work, Cos," Lexa assured and squeezed her lover's hand. She wanted to do so much more than that, but she couldn't, not yet.

"There's no way of knowing that for sure, Alex," Costia shook her head. She was usually the optimistic one, but both of them being alive with Costia being the Commander was a first. Lexa couldn't help but realize they were going through a bit of a role reversal. She wasn't sure how she felt about it. It wasn't unpleasant. She liked getting a glimpse of what Costia's life by her side looked like all these years, how things would've been if their conclave's outcome was different. It felt nice that for the first time ever, even if only for a little while, Costia could be her first priority.

"You thought of every possible scenario," Lexa reminded with conviction. Weeks before the expedition left, Costia ran everything by Lexa. "Between you, and Becca, and the duo that helped with bringing me back to life, I don't think our people could be in better hands," she offered Costia an adoring smile, trying to tell her just how proud of her she was, how amazingly she thought Costia handled everything.

Costia nodded softly and didn't object again.

"I want to kiss you," Lexa stated. It was a simple request, masked as a demand, but when Costia searched Lexa's eyes she found burning passion, and that wasn't a simple notion to deal with, at all.

"I don't know if that's the best idea," Costia admitted quietly.

"Why not?" Lexa snorted, thinking Costia was joking, but as soon as she saw the doubtful expression on Costia's face she realized that was not the case. "Costia?" she tried again, this time narrowing her eyes. "Why not?"

They heard a gasp from the direction of the entrance door. When they looked up they found Clarke standing there, eyes almost popping out.

Lexa looked at her in shock, as if up until that second it didn't occur to her that being back in the real world also meant Clarke. Costia didn't miss the look on both women's faces. It made her heart sink, as much as she didn't want it to, as much as she wanted to be better than this, to feel differently, she couldn't. But she also knew this moment would come. She allowed it to.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude…" Clarke was quick to apologize, seeming like she was about to turn around and leave but in reality not able to tear her eyes away from Lexa.

"No, it's okay. We can continue this later, Alex," Costia decided and unlinked the hand that she promised to hold only an hour earlier. Lexa wanted to squeeze Costia's hand, to reassure her that the fact Clarke was there didn't change the way she felt, but Costia's hand was already gone and it annoyed Lexa.

"Costia…" Lexa warned when Costia got up to leave.

"It's fine, Alex, I have things to do and you two should talk." She smiled tightly at both Lexa and Clarke and left without another glance.

"Hi," Clarks said hesitantly and walked further into the room. Her brain was trying to catch up with the undeniable reality that she was currently witnessing.

"Hi," Lexa swallowed hard. The moment was too surreal. "You look different."

"I do? More fit, maybe? Costia has been training me," Clarke shrugged sheepishly.

 _Definitely more fit,_ Lexa thought. "You are lucky," she noted. She couldn't believe after all this time this was what they were talking about. But it was an easy start.

"If you call getting my butt kicked on a daily basis lucky then you are right," Clarke chuckled, relieved at the lightness of their conversation.

"Yes, that would happen when you spar with Cos… with Costia," she corrected quickly.

Clarke snorted. Like it wasn't bad enough that Costia was always so careful around her with the pet names, now Lexa was doing the exact same thing.

"So, you are alive," Clarke took another step forward.

"I told you death was not the end," Lexa smiled weakly.

"You couldn't have possibly meant **this** ," Clarke joked and sat herself in the chair Costia occupied only moments ago.

"I don't think anyone could've meant this, except for maybe Costia," Lexa pointed out and shook her head.

"She's insane," Clarke stated.

"She's… she's brilliant, like you," Lexa corrected and searched Clarke's eyes, seeing very clearly that Clarke had her guard up, as did she. She could feel some tension between her two loves when Clarke walked into the room even though they tried to hide it, for her sake. She knew she was the reason for that tension, she just wasn't sure it had to do with their feelings for her.

"With what's coming, we need brilliant right now, so that's a good thing," Clarke huffed, making Lexa laugh sarcastically. "What?" Clarke inquired in puzzlement.

"We finally got to the point where life wasn't just about surviving and here we are again," Lexa noted bittersweetly.

"Sometimes life has to be about surviving, I guess," Clarke smiled sadly. "But our people have bonded over this. And we're fighting this. And once we overcome this, get into a new routine of living under these conditions, we'll start taking care of ourselves again."

Lexa nodded. "I'm glad I'm here to witness it."

Clarke bit her lip, wondering what to say next.

"I didn't even get to process that I lost you and now I need to process that you're back," she finally observed, looking down and smiling softly.

"I'm sorry for the hardships this resurrection has caused," Lexa hid a little smile.

"Do you remember our meeting in the City of Light?" Clarke was thinking for almost a whole day what to say when she finally saw Lexa. Bringing up the City of Light wasn't something that she was sure she'd do. But clearly, her heart needed this.

"I do," Lexa confirmed. "Costia made sure I would. She would never have taken this from me. She would never hurt me like that."

"But we hurt **her** ," Clarke concluded in gloom.

" **I** did. Not you," Lexa objected. "And now I have to live with that. Which is better than not living with that."

"She was selfish," Clarke blurted flatly. She tried to not think that way, especially after her conversation with Costia the day before, but there was still a scary visual in her head of Lexa dying in her arms again, sometime in the near future, soon after being revived.

"I would've done the same thing for her, Clarke. If I knew that I could," Lexa provided with certainty. She thought she was starting to understand what the source of the tension between Clarke and Costia was.

"No, you wouldn't have, you are the Commander, you put your people first," Clarke reminded.

"But she isn't. Right now she is, but she isn't. And If **I** wasn't, and I **could** think about her first, if I was really in her shoes, I'd do the exact same thing. And she also knew that if I had a choice, I would've chosen to be alive. I started something. She knew I'd want to see it through."

Clarke said nothing, making Lexa sigh. It made Lexa feel like she always felt when people spoke negatively of Costia. She wanted the whole world to know Costia was the most amazing person.

"You have to understand that she never wanted to be **_Heda_**. She came back, she fought for it, she'd done all of this, for me. Even though she knew there's a chance her plan would fail and she'd have to stay in a position she never wanted for the rest of her life. The day I spared her life at our Conclave? I turned her into a killer. Another thing she never wanted to be," Lexa explained with remorse. Neither of them could or would change the course their life took, by each other's side, but Lexa always had the days of wondering where Costia would've been without her. "Yet she kept killing for years, in my name, **for** me. Nothing about this is simple. Costia is…"

"Costia is amazing," Clarke admitted. They may have encountered some issues with recent developments, but Clarke watched Costia do the impossible for months.

They looked at each other and smiled sadly. Lexa opened her palm and lifted her hand. Clarke immediately took it.

"I'm sorry I never told you that I loved you," Lexa's face contorted in pain. "I did. I **do**."

"Lexa, we don't need to do this," Clarke looked away and was about to get up but Lexa clasped her hand around Clarke's and even though there wasn't much strength behind it, Clarke couldn't walk away from that.

"Clarke," Lexa started again, clearly upset, clearly on the verge of tears, she bit her lip, "the fact that I even fell in love with you…" she laughed bitterly, "the fact that you **made** me fall in love with you so quickly and in such a consuming way after… after everything, is a miracle. I thought that part of me died with Costia," she admitted brokenly. "But then you fell from the sky and you made it impossible to deny you, and I fell in love with you," she concluded, needing Clarke to understand, but mostly, pleading with Clarke to believe her.

"But you love Costia more," Clarke looked down again. She wasn't sure she could handle what she saw in Lexa's eyes. If someone had told her she would see Lexa again she would've never think that's how things would go down.

 _She's my second half,_ Lexa thought. But she didn't say it out loud. She found no point in hurting Clarke, the other person she was in love with.

"It's different," she finally said.

"Would she make you happy?" Clarke dared to look up again. If she was going to clear the way for another woman whom she grew to like and respect, she needed to know it was what's best for Lexa.

Lexa didn't want to hurt Clarke's feelings but she also didn't want to lie. "I'm not saying what I'm saying out of some misguided sense of duty," she clarified.

 _Please understand that, Clarke, can you? You would have if you had known Costia and I before…_

"I… I want this," Lexa finally admitted. It was an understatement, but Clarke didn't need to know more. As much as she wanted to have Clarke in her arms, as much as she wanted to continue where they left off, there was no way that both Costia and Lexa were alive and not together. Lexa had to admit, she had two people who completed her, two people she could refer to as the loves of her life. But Costia… Costia was beyond explaining. Costia **was** her life. Even before she gave it back to her.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "Remember what you told me when you just got it? That it looks like something that belonged on the mountain?" Volume 1, chapter 33.

2\. Things are complicated and there are many "what ifs." What if Costia hadn't "died" to begin with? What if Lexa hadn't? How would things turn out in canon then? I'm sure the characters were thinking all of that, too.

That said, one thing that really bothered me always was that Lexa never got to tell Clarke that she loved her. With all the hardships of where the story's at, it was really important to me to give this moment to Clarke, especially knowing that maybe this was something Lexa regretted not doing.

Of course, that raises a whole set of questions. Is a declaration of love something the Grounders even do? It seemed like Lexa was about to tell Clarke that she loved her before Clarke was going to leave Polis (episode 3X07,) but do the Grounders use another word? When Lexa told Clarke about Costia she didn't say "I lost someone I loved, too," she said she lost someone who was special to her, too, someone who was hers (episode 2X09.) Then again, we do have Lincoln and Octavia, but Lincoln was on the outside looking in. Who knows what we would've discovered about the whole institution of love among the Grounders, and for leaders, specifically. Could Lexa actually marry someone? Did she?

We don't know, but in this story I got to give my own answers to these questions, and Lexa and Costia always used the word "love" on one another, and so it made sense to me that it would be something Lexa would want to say to Clarke, and regret not getting to do so.


	65. De Seken Chapter 63

**Chapter 63**

Lexa opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was the ceiling. The white, boring ceiling above her. It's been her constant for the last four days. Sometimes, during the day, she'd be so bored that she'd count the dots on the ceiling, wondering if she'd eventually lose her mind, praying for a visitor, any visitor.

She hasn't been sleeping much. On the first night, she fought the urge. Costia was sitting on the chair next to her bed and Lexa just wanted to look at her. She wanted to look at her forever. On the second night she made herself do physical therapy exercises all night long. She knew that if Abby found out, she would disapprove. Lexa understood logically that she was someone's patient, but she was supposed to lead these people, she couldn't afford being scolded by them, so she figured she could get some extra practice in when no one was around. And then Clarke came to visit and it threw Lexa into a crazy whirlwind of emotions so she couldn't fall asleep easily. Now she realized that at some point she must have faded, because she very clearly remembered being inside the Flame for the first time since she's been brought back to life. It should've been comforting, familiar, soothing. But it wasn't.

The Flame was her mind's final resting place, and for so long, she found peace there, and then Costia found her way back home, back to **her** , and the Flame became so much more than just a default. It became a home. A place where she and Costia could exist together, could **be** together.

Lexa sighed.

 _Well, I'm awake, I may as well practice._

Just as she was about to pick the ball that was stationed near her hand, Costia walked into the darkened lab.

"You're awake," Lexa observed in surprise, startling the other woman. Costia's gasp made Lexa laugh lightly and when Costia got closer to the bed Lexa could see that she was smiling.

"I was just about to turn in," Costia explained. "Long meeting with Octavia. I came to see you before I headed to bed. It's nice to hear you laugh," she confessed. She was beginning to worry that Lexa being so temporarily limited sucked all the joy out of being alive.

"It's nice to laugh," Lexa admitted and hummed in content.

"Why are **you** awake, Lex? Can't sleep?" Costia questioned in worry and used her fingers to move a lock of hair from Lexa's forehead. She shouldn't have, but she couldn't help herself.

Lexa let herself relish in the short, gentle touch. Costia's hand was gone too quickly.

"I **did** fall asleep, actually," she provided. "That's the problem."

"Why is that a problem?" Costia inquired in puzzlement. "You really need the rest. Especially with the hard work you do all day," Costia smirked, informing Lexa wordlessly that she knew exactly how Lexa spent the nights before.

"Because I went back into the Flame for the first time since… everything, and you weren't there!" Lexa blurted in annoyance.

It wasn't exactly a safe haven for her heart and soul when her heart and soul were in the real world, currently standing in front of her.

"Well, yeah," Costia scoffed, "I won't be there anymore, you know that, obviously," she chuckled lightly until she saw the saddened expression on Lexa's face.

"Hey, it's a good thing," Costia tried to sooth. "I'm right here, at your disposal, within your reach, whenever you want," she pointed out, taking Lexa's hand in hers.

"You're in my reach whenever I want?" Lexa laughed bitterly. "I want you in my reach all the time. I want the nights, too, and I don't care if it's greedy," she stated truthfully.

"I was more than willing to spend all my nights here in this incredible comfortable chair," Costia tried to joke, "you told me not to," she reminded and squeezed Lexa's hand as if to say that if Lexa changed her mind regarding Costia's nightly absences, it was okay.

"That's not… It's not about that, Cos," Lexa huffed in frustration.

"What, then?" Costia asked cautiously. She wasn't sure they were ready to have this conversation, in the middle of the night, following a long day.

"You come here, you tell me what's going on out there, you give me updates, you do your duty and keep the Commander informed…"

"Alex," Costia sighed.

"But what about us?" Lexa demanded. She was afraid. She was afraid that even though a miracle happened, even though Costia said she was within reach, Costia was actually slipping through her fingers. "Are you here because you feel like it's your job or are you here because you love me?"

"I can't believe you're even asking me that!" Costia got up, seeming visibly mad.

 _I wouldn't have asked you that if you didn't vanish for three weeks, then brought me back, then acted all distant,_ Lexa thought angrily.

They glared at each other, each trying to figure out what was the right thing to say next.

Lexa sighed.

"Cos…"

 ** _"So it was no lie,"_** a third voice cut into the conversation, making Lexa's head snap in its direction. **_"The Mayhem Twins, together again."_**

 ** _"Indra,"_** Lexa smiled widely, then gave Costia a grateful look. She knew that announcing her return had the potential of creating complications. She knew people would demand to see her and she wasn't ready for a public appearance, so she appreciated when Costia chose carefully who to tell, and she was thankful for the chance to see some of her most trusted loved ones. Costia was making sure she was getting better physically, but she didn't neglect Lexa's mental state, and Lexa loved her so much more for understanding how much she needed this. It made her feel guilty for the conversation that just transpired between them, especially since Costia wouldn't even look at her.

Indra laughed happily and closed the distance between where she was standing and Lexa's bed.

 ** _"Unbelievable,"_** she scanned Lexa's face in awe. **_"I thought our Heda finally lost her mind when she told us after the meeting, but I should know better than to ever doubt her,"_** Indra shook her head in disbelief. **_"I couldn't go to sleep after hearing such news. I tried. But I couldn't wait, I had to see for myself."_**

 ** _"Us?"_** Lexa's brain was stuck on the plural.

"Octavia," Costia provided simply. This was more about keeping a loyal ally in the loop before Octavia found out somehow, than informing someone close to Lexa.

Lexa nodded in understanding and turned back to Indra.

 ** _"It's so good to see you,"_** she admitted in joy, surprising Costia by slowly reaching her hand toward Indra. Costia was amazed at how quick Lexa's healing progression was.

 ** _"Please forgive my appearance,"_** Lexa apologized, treading the thin line between being a leader and a friend. **_"I am still weak."_**

 ** _"There's nothing to forgive, Heda,"_** Indra objected and squeezed Lexa's hand. **_"My two girls, both coming back from the dead in a matter of months,"_** she chuckled again. It was all very uncharacteristic. Then again, so was the entire situation. **_"This has to be a good omen."_**

"I'm sure Indra has a lot of question, Alex," Costia smiled tightly. "I'll let you two catch up."

 ** _"No, Heda, please, stay,"_** Indra asked with a small bow of the head. The last thing she wanted was to sabotage Lexa and Costia's time together.

"Yes, Cos, please stay," Lexa pleaded, she was hoping her eyes were enough to let Costia know how much she wanted her there, how much she needed them to finish their conversation.

"It's been a long day," Costia smiled weakly, "I'll be here tomorrow morning before my lesson with Clarke. She turned to leave but Lexa stopped her.

"Thank you for telling Indra," she tried.

"You know, I was just doing my job," Costia replied flatly, making Lexa's heart sink. "Good night."

* * *

"Hey," Costia smiled at Raven when she walked into the lab.

"Your girl has been moping all morning, C," Raven crossed her arms, "I don't know what you did, but it's killing my vibe. Can't work like this," she huffed as if to say "fix it," and left the room, mumbling something under her breath about women.

Costia groaned and walked toward Lexa's bed.

"Alex," she tried cautiously. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Costia," Lexa replied, very evidently feeling awkward. They didn't do awkward so the exchange was upsetting.

"Did you and Indra get to talk last night?" Costia questioned, trying as hard as she could to add a little smile to the inquiry.

"We did. It was really nice to have her here. She sat here for hours," Lexa admitted. "I hardly got to sleep afterwards. Which was better anyway," she concluded.

 _Because then I'd just go into the Flame and you're not there and I'd rather have you be mad at me here than be somewhere where you're not_ , she thought.

Costia sighed.

"I'm sorry about last night," she started, biting her lip and taking another step toward the bed. "I'm sorry I left like I did."

"I'm sorry, too, for saying you're only here because you feel like you have to be," Lexa apologized, face twitching in guilt as she remembered her words from the night before.

"It's okay," Costia shrugged.

"Costia…" Lexa took a deep breath. This was clearly not a good topic for them to discuss but Lexa knew it just meant that they had to talk about it even more. "What's going on? With us? Something is not right," she concluded and just voicing that truth brought her to the verge of tears. "It's scarier than anything else. It's scarier than being stuck in this bed and feeling completely helpless," she added, hoping that her words were enough to convey to Costia that she was her anchor.

At first, she thought Costia was afraid to hurt her, physically. That was the only explanation Lexa could muster to explain Costia being physically distant. But a few days went by and even though it was very clear Lexa was making progress, Costia remained evasive. Lexa was yet to share with Costia the fact that she knew Costia didn't visit her in the Flame for the three weeks prior to her resurrection. When they brought her back Lexa just assumed that it was because Costia was preparing everything for her revival and visiting her in the Flame may have been tough on Costia in case it didn't work. But Lexa was back now, they should have celebrated, they should have kissed and laughed and eventually made love, but instead, it was all talk. Just talk. The occasional hand grab, the occasional hand squeeze, if Lexa got really lucky then there was a kiss on the forehead, but that was it. And it wasn't enough.

But Costia didn't say a thing. She just looked at Lexa in remorse, then looked away.

"Is it Clarke?" Lexa asked hesitantly. What else could it be except for the thing that even in the Flame made Costia seem far away at times, made Costia not even look for Lexa the first time she went into the Flame.

Costia sighed. She really didn't want to do this.

"I'm yours, don't you know that?" Lexa pleaded, and since Costia's hand was on the bed, Lexa laced their fingers. "You carry my promise tattoo. I carry yours," she reminded meaningfully.

"A result of a decision made long ago," Costia pointed out coldly.

"It meant until death then and it means until death now," Lexa argued painfully.

"We both died since, so, you are released from that promise," Costia shrugged, but subconsciously played with Lexa's fingers. It gave Lexa some hope, knowing that this little act made Costia feel grounded even if she didn't realize she was doing it.

"You brought me back to life," Lexa reminded. "You **are** my life," she squeezed the hand in hers, demanding that Costia would look at her.

"Our people are your life," Costia countered.

"No. Our people are my duty," Lexa corrected with conviction. " **You** are my life. Can't you tell the difference now?" Lexa nearly begged her.

Costia had to admit to herself that she could. She realized now what it meant to command all day and give her nights to Lexa, her quiet place, which now turned into coming to see Lexa and ask how her day was.

She knew exactly what Lexa meant. She just didn't know if she believed it. She was asking herself if the loss of the Flame also brought her insecurities to the surface in a tenfold, or if her concerns were legitimate.

"I'm sorry, is this a bad time?" A familiar voice asked from the lab's entrance. "I can come back after our class."

It was very clear to Clarke that she walked in during a loaded moment, but she didn't want to leave. It was hard enough to talk herself into coming in. Now that she saw with her own eyes that Lexa was back, she wanted to see her all the time, spend as much time with her as possible, but she couldn't figure out if she should or shouldn't do so.

"No, it's okay. I'll leave you two to talk," Costia offered Clarke a forced smile. "I'll see you outside, Clarke," she added and let Lexa's hand drop.

"Costia do not leave this room!" Lexa leaned forward and grabbed Costia's wrist forcefully, surprising both of them with just how much movement she already re-gained.

"I'll be back before you know it," Costia smiled tightly after her momentary surprise. She released her wrist gently and left the room, leaving Lexa to stare after her in disbelief.

"Well…" Clarke started and walked further into the room, "women who disobey you. You certainly have a type," she pointed out with a smirk, making Lexa groan.

Lexa was upset. Seeing Costia leaving the room with the excuse of giving her time to speak with other people was getting old really fast.

"Your grip is getting stronger insanely quickly," Clarke noted, both impressed with Lexa's progress and trying to distract Lexa from what was clearly weighing heavy on her heart.

"It's the Flame," Lexa explained, taking the bait. "I'm retraining my brain to work with the rest of my body, the Flame enhances my brain, so the outcome is that this is working quite fast."

"That… that is actually quite brilliant," Clarke commented in contemplation.

"Yeah, they suspected this might happen, I just don't think they could've foreseen just how much it would help. The physical therapy helps, too, but this is almost a miracle. I can feel the change on an hourly basis," Lexa added excitedly.

"One day, further down the line, the technology behind the Flame could really change the face of medicine," Clarke observed and got that dreamy look on her face. Like she was visioning some groundbreaking development in the future.

"God, you and Costia, no wonder you get along so well," Lexa snorted. "She's been talking about progress in medicine for as long as I can remember."

Clarke smiled politely. For the most part Costia and herself **did** get along well. Except that Clarke was still upset with her about Lexa's resurrection and they haven't actually spoken since Costia told her Lexa was alive. A real conversation, not a meeting with the ambassadors or something of the sort.

 _And yet, she's still out there waiting to train me like nothing has changed._

Clarke sighed.

"Is it okay if I continue to come and see you?" she finally asked. She knew it wasn't healthy to remain this close to Lexa, but she couldn't help herself.

"Of course, Clarke," Lexa replied softly, "but are you sure you want to?"

Clarke thought this through. She wanted to have Lexa in her life in any possible capacity, if they couldn't be together, maybe eventually they'll be able to become friends.

"I think so," she finally replied after slight hesitation.

"That sounded full of conviction," Lexa noted, offering Clarke a little sad smile and receiving one on return.

* * *

Clarke walked out of the tower and took a deep breath. Spending time with Lexa, talking to Lexa, actually laughing with Lexa, hearing her opinions about the current stage of affairs, it all hit Clarke with the reality of Lexa's return. It wasn't some dream for her to wake up from, it wasn't some joke. Lexa was there, Clarke could go and see her whenever she wanted.

She was the woman Clarke loved and no one consulted her when it came to bringing Lexa back.

She reached the training grounds and saw Costia working with her Bo.

"You ready for class?" Costia inquired in feigned cheer when she saw Clarke walking toward her.

"How could you do this without telling me?" Clarke demanded angrily.

"Okay, so I guess you are not ready for class."

"Costia!"

"What if it didn't work?" Costia yelled right back. This has been building up inside of her for a few days now. She was keeping so much inside, some of it was bound to come to the surface following one too many pushes. "No need for both of us to be crushed all over again," she added brokenly. "You can't lose something you don't know you have. I didn't want you to lose her again." She had more than one reason why she didn't consult Clarke about this, but wanting to spare her **_Fleimkepa_** pain was certainly one of them. Couldn't Clarke see that?

"It wasn't your decision to make," Clarke stated flatly, quietly.

"Yes, it was. I'm the Commander," Costia reminded coldly. "And Alex and I…" she sighed. "I don't need to explain this to you," she added in frustration and turned away.

"Because you can't."

"No, because I don't want to," Costia spat. "And believe me, she would've done the same. And she would've chosen this if she knew it was an option," Costia argued. Last time they had this conversation Costia felt so guilty that she had to rush to Lexa's side and get a confirmation that she didn't screw up by doing something that felt to her like the only real option.

Clarke couldn't argue with that. Lexa plain and simple told her that she would've done the same for Costia if the roles were reversed, that she would have chosen to be alive. But did Costia realize she was a major part of that choice, too? Did she realize that Lexa would've chosen to come back with her in mind? Clarke wasn't so sure and since she found herself clearing the way for Costia, it made her mad at the other Woman. Lexa made a choice whether Costia realized it or not, but Costia was blind to that choice. So anger toward her it was. Still, Clarke couldn't help but noticing that she was feeling sorry for Costia, too.

* * *

Lexa was alone again. It was late. Abby and Raven left after hours and hours of work. They spent their days creating more and more injections in case the expedition came back. They wanted to be able to start immediate distribution. Lexa was trying to decide if their constant presence was a blessing or a curse. For the most part, they worked in the other room. Abby came in to check her vitals on occasion, Raven came to ask how she was doing every now and then. Lexa knew Costia asked Raven to watch over her.

But now she was alone with her thoughts. It was so late that she knew Costia wouldn't come see her again before the following day and it made her mad.

 _I guess she needed a break from me. I've been back five days and she already can't be alone with me in the same room._

The thought broke her heart. She couldn't wait to get out of bed for good. She could make Costia listen if Costia couldn't run away from her.

She flexed her toes and smiled sleepily. Her recovery was abnormally fast, she knew. As frustrating as the situation was, thanks to the Flame it wasn't going to take months. Maybe not even weeks. She kept flexing her toes up and down. It was painful in a good way, but the redundancy of the movement made her eventually doze off. She fought it, but to no avail.

Soon enough, she opened her eyes and found herself standing alone on a cliff, staring at the ocean. She sighed heavily.

 _I don't want to be here anymore._

"Commander," a voice startled her, but she knew right away who it was.

"Becca," she turned around and greeted the woman. "What are you doing on this side of the desert?" She smiled weakly.

"You were thinking really loudly," Becca retuned a little smile of her own.

"I'm sorry," Lexa apologized. "I just… I keep waking up here, but I don't want to miss the night time out there. I want to be really present. It was different before. Maybe Costia needed the Flame to be with me but I don't need the Flame to be with her."

 _I just need her to have a full conversation with me._

She really hoped Becca didn't hear that thought.

"You'll learn how to control it, Lexa," Becca offered her a comforting smile. "She had to learn, too. And once she did, and she didn't have to… let's call it drift… to here, she **chose** to come here every night, because she wanted to be with you."

Becca squeezed Lexa's arm softly and left her standing there. Lexa bit her lip. She didn't know Costia had an adjustment period. She just assumed that whenever Costia fell asleep she drifted to the Flame and when she didn't want to see Lexa she found a way around it. She didn't realize that after the first few days, every time Costia showed up for her was because she wanted to.

 _How is it possible that things were simpler between us when I was dead?_ she wondered miserably, staring at the ocean, wondering what it would take to wake up.

* * *

Notes:

 ** _"The Mayhem Twins, together again."_** Indra referred to Lexa and Costia as the "Mayhem Twins" twice before. Once in volume 1, chapter 3, and once again in volume 1, chapter 14 where she actually said the exact same sentence she said here. I loved this little moment of endearment for Lexa and Costia, which was a reflection of the usually-stoic-indra's real joy.


	66. De Seken Chapter 64

**Chapter 64**

 _One Week Later…_

The knocking was urgent and persistent. It really didn't have to be. Costia's sleep was already sporadic, so she was awake right away, immediately assuming something bad happened to Lexa. Rater then asking the stubborn intruder to enter, she was on her feet in seconds, yanking the door open.

"Costia, I…" oh, Clarke stopped when she saw Costia in her night gown. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd open the door, I thought you'd call me in."

All the guards averted their gaze.

"Apologies, **_Heda_** ," Thomas offered. "We tried to tell her you were asleep but she said it was urgent."

"It's fine, Thomas, if anyone should wake me up for something urgent it's my advisor," Costia mentioned curtly, groggily, then turned to Clarke, trying to mask her panic in front of the guards. "Clarke, what is it? Is… is it our friend?" she added in fear.

Clarke realized what happened immediately and felt guilty. "Oh, I'm so sorry, our friend is fine, I should've led with that, I truly apologize, Commander," she provided, knowing exactly how she'd feel if the situation was reversed. Her apology was very clearly sincere.

Costia sighed in relief. She heard the guards whisper among themselves and turned to Thomas in puzzlement. But he wouldn't look at her.

 _What is the meaning of this behavior?_ She wondered, but she had to concentrate on the woman in front of her.

"What is it, then?"

"Can we talk inside?" Clarke smiled softly.

Costia nodded and gestured with her hand for Clarke to enter. Once Clarke did, Costia shut the door behind them. Clarke turned around and without wasting any more time, spoke excitedly.

"The expedition got in touch, they'll be home by sundown," Clarke grinned widely.

Costia stared at her in shock. The news weren't surprising considering the timeline they set, that was not the surprising part.

"They're…" Costia swallowed hard, trying to put her thoughts in order.

"Alive?" Clarke knew immediately what Costia must be thinking. "Yes, all of them. That was the first thing Bellamy told me. That they're alive, tired, but okay, that the mission was a success, and that they'll be home tonight," Clarke smiled widely. "It worked. We are going to survive this. You did it, Costia."

" **We** did it," Costia smiled right back, trying to process the meaning of it all, mind already racing, thinking about the next step. They had so much work to do. "We are not going to die," she made herself stop and take a moment to appreciate their achievement.

"We will, eventually," Clarke chuckled, "but not anytime soon."

* * *

Costia walked toward the lab a few hours later. Before she spoke to any of the ambassadors she wanted to tell Lexa the good news. She also had to speak to Abby and Raven to discuss the necessary mass distribution that was coming their way. The mission may have been successful, but they were still running out of time.

On her way to the lab the weird whispers among the guards continued.

"Alright, that does it, what's going on?" she asked Titus who was walking by her side, seeming contemplative. "Why have my guards been acting weird since last night?"

"It's not just them," Titus admitted. He encountered some complicated questions during his morning debrief. "The rumors are spreading," he admitted apologetically.

"What rumors?" Costia rolled her eyes.

"That the building is haunted," he stated casually.

"Why would they think that the building is haunted?" Costia inquired, dumbfounded.

"They think they've seen a ghost," he added suggestively. "They think they've seen someone who is supposed to be dead," he emphasized. "So they're assuming it's either that the building is haunted, or that people are seeing things that aren't there again. Like the woman in red," he clarified.

Costia groaned. There aren't many dead people around to cause that sort of commotion. There's exactly one person who fit that criteria and it was the person she was headed to see.

"Add to that your frequent visits to the lab, and the fact that apparently you said something vague to Clarke this morning, they've been talking, and asking questions," Titus concluded.

"And what did you say?"

"That this is absurd and that I refuse to talk about the subject," he provided.

"Well, that's not going to work for much longer," Costia pointed out.

"No, it's not," he agreed.

"Luckily we'll have other things to distract them with soon enough," Costia reminded.

They reached the lab and she signaled him to stay outside.

She walked in, seeing Abby first.

"Commander," Abby nodded. "How are you?"

"Good, thank you, and so are you," Costia smirked. "I saw Clarke early this morning. Our expedition will be back tonight," she explained.

"It will?" Abby stared at her in disbelief.

"Yes, Doctor, and they are all alive. So, good job, you have probably saved us all," Costia offered her a grateful smile.

"But that means… there's so much work to do!" she jumped off her chair and a moment later disappeared into the other room.

Costia chuckled and walked toward Lexa's bed.

The cranky patient was bored out of her mind, trying to read with no success. Her face lit when she noticed Costia.

"Alex," Costia started nonchalantly, "why do I have members of my guard thinking the building is haunted? Specifically, it seems like they saw a ghost of a certain Commander that is supposedly dead," she added, clearing her throat for impact.

"I don't know," Lexa shrugged, but her eyes told Costia a different story since Lexa knew exactly how it happened. She made Indra help her to the balcony one evening. She wanted some fresh air. Some guards were on a balcony further away. They couldn't have seen more than their blurry shapes but that was apparently enough.

"Mmm…" Costia wasn't convinced. "I think you're going to be ready sooner rather than later. Something tells me," she smirked. "Which is a good thing, because apparently, we're not going to die. The expedition will be back tonight," she reported happily and sat down.

Lexa smiled widely. "I told you," she teased.

"You say a lot of things, Alexandra. It makes sense that some of them end up being true," Costia brushed off, making Lexa scoff. "Here," Costia took off her forehead piece, the one that used to belong to Lexa, the one that Nardo made for her.

"You're still the Commander," Lexa argued, but Costia didn't listen. She put it on Lexa's forehead.

"I'll use another one," she shrugged, "this one is yours."

Costia's face was so close to Lexa's that Lexa's breath caught in her throat. She wanted to put her hand on Costia's neck and pull her in for a kiss that she's been dreaming of for the two weeks since she's been back. She was about to do just that, her hands finally allowed her that sort of movement, but Costia smiled tightly and stood up.

She drove Lexa crazy. She chose to remain distant, she refused to have a real conversation about what was happening between them, and then she went and did something incredibly sweet.

Lexa wasn't about to let this go on for very much longer.

* * *

Costia and Clarke were standing exactly where they stood a few weeks before, holding hands, watching the expedition depart. The mood was much different now. The whole city gathered around the main street, watching the humvees parade through the city gates and all the way to the tower.

Fires were lit along the route, which made Costia bite her lip every other minute.

"It's much harder without the Flame, isn't it?" Clarke asked her softly.

"It is," Costia admitted. She found no point in lying.

Clarke took her hand again, squeezing it for comfort.

"Does this lovely act of kindness mean you're done being mad at me?" Costia offered her a lopsided smile.

"For now," Clarke shrugged. "But don't do anything stupid or crazy."

"I think I have reached my limit of stupid, crazy things," Costia chuckled. "Thank you," she added softly.

"For what?"

"I know what you're doing, you're trying to distract me so I don't pay attention to the fire."

"Is it working?"

"It is," Costia admitted gratefully.

 ** _"Kostia, Kostia!"_** a voice was heard and Costia visibly relaxed. When she turned she saw Dara, walking by Indra's side.

The ambassadors welcomed the expedition at the city gates. Most volunteers chose to walk the remaining of the way after being cooped in the humvee the whole day. Clearly, Dara was one of those people.

 ** _"Mom, I'm glad you are home,"_** Costia smiled in relief and hugged Dara tightly. **_"You seem well."_**

 ** _"I am,"_** Dara confirmed when they broken the hug. **_"I had a great welcome home."_**

 ** _"I bet,"_** Costia chuckled. **_"You saved us all. The people are grateful."_**

 ** _"Yes, dear, and that's beyond wonderful, but that's not what I'm referring to. Is it true?"_** she demanded, **_"is Leksa alive?"_** Costia stiffened. She wasn't expecting this. There were so much more urgent things to discuss and she wanted the time to explain to Dara everything in a calm, elaborated manner.

She glared at Indra.

 ** _"I'm sorry, Heda,"_** Indra apologized sincerely, **_"but the whole city is talking about the ghost of the previous Commander haunting the tower. I had to tell her. It's the first thing they heard when they passed the gates."_**

 _Dammit, Alex,_ Costia groaned. It wasn't the right time yet.

 ** _"It's true, then,"_** Dara locked eyes with Costia, disbelief written all over her face. Her jaw started shivering.

 ** _"Yes,"_** Costia stated simply but swallowed hard. She wasn't ashamed of what she'd done, but explaining it, especially to a member of the clans wasn't easy, and could easily come across as blasphemy. That was Titus' initial reaction.

 ** _"How?"_** Dara inquired. Her face was a mixture of awe and fear.

 ** _"The Flame,"_** Costia provided in a steady voice.

 ** _"Are you dealing with forces greater than you, child?"_** Dara asked softly. She was worried for Costia's soul more than anything.

 ** _"What forces, Dara? This is technology. It's science. I manipulated it for my own benefit. That's what science is about. There are no forces. There never were,"_** Costia replied angrily. She wasn't going to have this argument again. Not when so many of the people of the clans experienced the City of Light. But as Dara nodded Costia realized that maybe she didn't have to do more explaining.

Dara hated admitting it, but she currently had Nightblood running through her veins. She wasn't born with it. She received it.

 ** _"You are right,"_** Dara agreed quietly. **_"You manipulated science to turn me into a Natblida and it saved my life out there. It's just still hard getting used to,"_** she smiled sadly.

 ** _"How much worse is it out there?"_** Costia investigated in concern. **_"In terms of heat?"_**

 ** _"It's worse. Much worse. But we managed there and we'll manage here,"_** Dara promised and took Costia's hands in hers. She brought them to her lips and kissed them gently.

The whole exchange warmed Clarke's heart, it made her hopeful, too. Just as she was thinking that, she saw Bellamy approach. She looked at Costia.

"Go," Costia allowed.

Clarke smiled politely at Dara and Indra and left.

Costia turned back to look at the older woman in front of her.

 ** _"I'm really glad you're back, mom."_**

 ** _"Me too. I want to see Leksa,"_** Dara added without missing a breath.

 ** _"Don't you want to tell me all about your journey first?"_** Costia inquired sheepishly.

 ** _"No,"_** Dara replied immediately with no hesitation. **_"You have enough people who can tell you about that. I want to see Leksa."_**

* * *

Lexa was getting giddy. It was evening, Abby and Raven had so much work to do, and the whole city was focusing on the returning heroes. She could do as she pleased, she could experiment, and not a single person would be there to see and scold her.

She didn't get giddy very often, but the thought of testing her body limits and push forward made her excited, because she knew she was getting better. She could feel it. It wasn't much longer now.

She looked around again to make sure both Abby and Raven were indeed gone. The two women decided to see the expedition members who agreed to be seen that night at the heroes' own rooms, for their well earned comfort. But they weren't going to push, either, in case some preferred being seen on the following morning after a shower and a good night sleep.

Lexa took the blanket off and watched her own feet. She started wiggling her toes, laughing lightly at her own silliness. Then, she bent her legs, releasing a happy breath, thinking that only a week ago she needed someone to bend her knees for her and now she could do it on her own. It still felt stiff, and took some effort, but it was getting easier and easier. She pushed her upper body up, and hugged her knees. She then leaned on her palms and crossed her legs, bringing herself up again so she could put her hands in her lap. She smiled widely. That's how she used to sit when she meditated. Something so simple, so trivial, that she couldn't do for a while but just earned back. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the quiet with the hint of celebrations downstairs in the city. She gave herself a few moments to get reacquainted with the position. After a while, her thighs started aching, so she uncrossed her legs and brought her back down to the mattress, keeping her knees bent and shaking her legs lightly to relief the tension. She looked at the window. She wanted so badly to walk to it and look at the happy people outside. But she knew standing was still beyond her reach. She stubbornly tried the night before, after everyone went to bed, and she fell on the floor. She spent the best part of an hour trying to climb back to the bed using the chair next to it for support.

She sighed and stretched her legs, enjoying the feeling of relaxed muscles, when the door swung open. She jumped in surprise, but she wasn't as nearly as surprised as the woman who walked in, accompanied by Indra.

 ** _"Goodness, look at you. I've been witnessing nightmares and miracles to no end lately,"_** Dara shook her head in utter disbelief.

 ** _"Dara,"_** Lexa's voice broke and silent tears started to come down.

 ** _"I'll leave you two to talk,"_** Indra smiled softly in understanding and left the room.

 ** _"She told you,"_** Lexa laughed happily between the tears.

 ** _"Indra did, but Kostia confirmed it,"_** Dara swallowed hard and closed the distance between them. Lexa pushed herself up and found herself in Dara's tight embrace seconds later.

 ** _"I can see you, I can hear you and I can touch you and still, I can't believe any of my senses,"_** Dara held Lexa's face in her hands and kissed her forehead next to Nardo's piece. **_"You are wearing Nardo's gift,"_** she observed as her own tears made an appearance.

 ** _"Kostia gave it back to me. I'm supposed to be the Commander,"_** she noted bitterly, **_"I hate that you have to see me so helpless,"_** she averted her look.

 ** _"I've seen you at your worst years before you became Heda,"_** Dara reminded. **_"I've taken care of you when you were sick."_**

 ** _"This is different. I can't even stand,"_** Lexa objected.

 ** _"No, child, this is a blessing, a show of endurance. You'll be back on your feet in no time and things will resume in the way that they were always meant to be. If anyone can overcome this, you can,"_** Dara's voice was sure, and strong, and she wouldn't let Lexa look away.

 ** _"I'm so sorry about Aden,"_** Lexa grabbed Dara's arms brokenly. She was afraid the other woman would pull away. But she didn't.

 ** _"It's not your fault,"_** Dara promised and caressed Lexa's cheek.

 ** _"It is."_**

 ** _"Just like Kostia thinks it's her fault that you died,"_** Dara sighed.

 ** _"It's not."_**

 ** _"I'm aware that it's not. You two are extremely practiced in misguided guilt. Don't be upset with her for doing this,"_** Dara added. She'd only seen her step-daughter for a few moments, but Costia seemed truly haunted, unlike the tower.

 ** _"Upset?"_** Lexa huffed in surprise. **_"I'm not. She has done the impossible. I just don't like this in between."_**

Dara nodded in understanding. **_"It will pass. You are strong and brave, and smart."_**

 ** _"I just…"_** Lexa sighed. **_"I just hope Kostia doesn't regret doing all of this for me."_**

 ** _"Your words are madness, Heda,"_** Dara teased and caressed Lexa's cheek again.

 ** _"I don't know. She's been distant ever since I came back. I don't know what to do anymore,"_** Lexa admitted, frustration and longing both evident on her face.

 ** _"Leksa, you need to understand, she believes you are in love with someone else which isn't exactly untrue,"_** Dara reminded.

Lexa's heart wrenched, but she realized Dara wasn't judging, or mad, this wasn't anyone's fault.

 ** _"I can't undo the past, and I can't not love someone whom I met when Kostia was gone, but Kostia… she's my everything,"_** Lexa stated, incapable of accepting that Costia would doubt that.

 ** _"Give her time to remember that,"_** Dara suggested softly.

 ** _"I tried, but your daughter is very stubborn,"_** Lexa huffed in annoyance.

 ** _"All my children always were,"_** Dara smiled lovingly, making Lexa squeeze her arms. **_"Just… don't give up on her,"_** she requested gently, but Lexa knew it was a plea, and she felt hurt once more that people kept thinking she was capable of doing something like that.

 ** _"She didn't give up on me, and I was dead_** ," Lexa pointed out with a bittersweet smile. **_"I have no intention of ever giving up on her."_**

* * *

Notes:

"We tried to tell her you were asleep but she said it was urgent." The guards intentionally spoke English around Clarke. They didn't want to discuss her without her understanding what they're saying (they didn't know she actually understood quite a log of **_Trigedasleng_** at that point.) It was done out of respect. I wanted to clarify that in case it felt weird that they didn't address Costia in **_Trigedasleng._**


	67. De Seken Chapter 65

**Chapter 65**

"So our healers will receive instructions from Abby as soon as after this meeting, and we'll start distributing the injections to the villages. Tomorrow will already be too late," Costia reminded her ambassadors. "I expect your full cooperation on this."

But no one seemed to object. When the expedition returned people were shocked to see them alive. Abby was still taking vitals from a few volunteers that morning, but things seemed well. And either way, even if there were long term effects, it's not like they had another choice. If they were to start the injections right away, even after six weeks of injections, they'd be done about a month before ALIE's six months' deadline.

Even that was cutting it a bit too close for Costia's comfort, but while there were many things she could do, creating more time for everyone wasn't one of them.

"Any questions?" Costia allowed softly. She knew this was hard on her ambassadors. The people of the clans were about to put their trust in them, in the healers, in Costia. Some didn't encounter the City of Light, injections were a scary concept, but the leaders of the clans understood there was no choice. They hoped the change in temperature over the last few months would help to convince the people that something was coming.

"What about Polis?" Indra inquired.

"Titus, Clarke and I met right before this meeting. We have divided the city to districts. Healers will start injecting the citizens of Polis tomorrow morning as well," Costia explained.

"Where is the political staff going for injections?" Octavia asked politely.

"We will be using the temple," Costia provided and received nods in return.

" ** _Heda_** , if I may, I have a few questions," one of the ambassadors started cautiously.

"Yes, ambassador?"

He looked around and got nods from his colleagues. This was clearly something they've discussed beforehand.

"It appears…" he hesitated, "it appears that many people think our tower is haunted," he dared.

"That wasn't a question, ambassador," Costia pointed out.

"Apologies, **_Heda_** ," he backtracked. " **Is** the tower haunted?"

Clarke snorted next to Costia who glared at her and rolled her eyes. "The tower is not haunted."

"Then how else do you explain the guards seeing a dead Commander?" he pushed forward.

"Watch your tone, ambassador," Titus warned.

"I can assure you, no dead people are walking these halls," Costia vowed.

It wasn't a lie. No dead people **were** walking the halls, only people who used to be dead, and were now very much alive, and confined to one single room. Though, arguably, not confined enough.

"But…" the ambassador tried.

"This meeting is adjourned," Costia waved her hand. She was done talking about the subject. "Clarke, please stay."

The room cleared quickly though Costia could hear the suspecting whispers from the ambassadors as they left the room.

Clarke approached Costia, a smirk on her face.

"Lexa isn't making this easy on you, is she?"

"No," Costia confirmed with a groan, "she's not."

"Doesn't seem like you're making it easy on her, either," Clarke observed.

"I'm doing everything in my power to help her," Costia countered angrily.

 _Not everything,_ Clarke thought. _Not what she needs from you the most._

But she wasn't going to say the words, and anyway, by the challenging look Costia was giving her, she suspected Costia already knew what she was thinking.

"You wanted to talk?" Clarke changed the subject.

"Yes," Costia was grateful to not discuss Lexa and Lexa's well being anymore. "I wanted to ask you, now, before we start the injections, if you'd consider becoming a Nightblood," she stated simply, as if this wasn't a big deal.

Clarke stared at her dumbfounded.

"I know it's not a simple choice, I know what's the meaning of being a Nightblood, though who knows how things might change in the future," Costia let Clarke know she wasn't really seeing this is something casual. "So don't feel obligated, Clarke. You don't have to. You have a choice. We never did. But I'm here to offer you one, in case you want it."

Clarke knew it was a gesture of trust. Costia was telling her that if worse came to worst one day, she'd entrust her with the Flame, with possibly taking the lead. Or, not. The choice **was** Clarke's.

"Can I take the day to think about it?"

Costia hesitated.

"What?" Clarke asked in concern.

"Well, the process starts the same for everyone, but about two weeks into the injections it changes."

"That's even better, right? I have two weeks to decide?"

"You do, I suppose," Costia confirmed. "Just, whatever happens, make sure you start the injections tomorrow no matter what."

It's like she read Clarke's mind, because Clarke was considering taking a few extra days, just in case, to allow herself a bigger time frame to decide.

"It's… I'm not trying to push you," Costia clarified. "ALIE gave us six months, but it was an estimation. You already feel the effects. I'm just… a day of injections can be the difference between life and death. But, like I said. It's your choice. It might never even matter."

Costia squeezed her hand and left the room, letting her ponder on the choice at hand.

* * *

"Hi," Clarke startled Lexa who was staring at her own fingers, moving them around.

"Hi," Lexa replied softly. If she was at all embarrassed she didn't let it show.

"I'm guessing you heard the good news?" Clarke inquired happily, taking a seat next to Lexa's bed.

"Yes," Lexa confirmed and returned Clarke's smile. "Costia told me yesterday."

"It seems like we all refuse to die," Clarke pointed out.

"Or stay dead," Lexa deadpanned and Clarke smirked.

"Did you talk to Becca?" she investigated.

"I did, last night," Lexa provided. "She's overjoyed. She feels like all of this is her fault," she explained sadly.

"Technically, it is," Clarke reminded gently.

"I know, but it's something she'd never be able to change, no matter how much good she does," Lexa sighed and Clarke had a feeling Lexa wasn't talking just about Becca. "She's so full of guilt," Lexa concluded.

"Yeah, like the rest of us," Clarke noted. Lexa huffed and looked away, lost in thought.

Clarke bit her lip, wondering if she wanted to share what was on her mind.

"Costia asked me if I wanted to become a Nightblood," she finally confessed in a calm, steady voice.

"She did?" Lexa asked, but Clarke couldn't read her tone. She didn't seem surprised.

"Yes. Are you mad?"

"No," Lexa admitted. "I would've done the same," there was sadness in her admission. As if she finally came to accept that being a Nightblood wasn't necessarily an honorable thing. It was more likely to turn into a death sentence if things didn't change.

"What do you think?" Clarke inquired nervously.

"That I wish you'd say no, but I know you and you'd say yes," Lexa stated simply.

"I thought the blood was sacred?" Clarke challenged with a raised eyebrow.

Lexa took a deep breath. She knew it was something she'd have to deal with eventually, explore, and discuss, but she didn't think that day was today. "Many things are different now," she admitted. "But unless our leadership system changes, being a Nightblood isn't something I'd wish on someone that I…"

She never finished the sentence, she swallowed hard instead and shook her head.

"I hate that Costia has to deal with all of this."

"Well, who else could deal with all of this?" Clarke scoffed.

" **I** could," Lexa gritted her teeth. "Being the Commander is my responsibility, not hers."

"But… you were dead," Clarke reminded matter-of-factly.

"Exactly."

"I'm sorry, are you upset that you got killed?" Clarke chuckled.

"Of course I'm upset that I got killed!" Lexa threw her hands in frustration. Clearly, being dead wasn't something she liked that had happened to her, but between being happy to be alive, and between forgiving Titus, and trying to seem strong to everyone, she didn't really have the time to just be upset that this happened to her to begin with.

"I thought death wasn't the end, and in a way, it wasn't, but I shouldn't have died," she added quietly. "I should've been here, to lead my people, to help you with ALIE, to welcome Costia home. It all happened backwards. Meanwhile she's the Commander and I'm bedridden. It was fine when we were inside the Flame, but now we're here and there's two of us and it's bizarre," she concluded with a huff. Clarke thought it was the longest sentence she'd ever heard Lexa utter. She wondered if this wordy version of Lexa was the version that was always present before Costia was abducted.

"She doesn't want the job. She basically kept your seat warm," Clarke noted gently.

"I know that!" Lexa growled then looked at Clarke apologetically. "I'm sorry. But it's just all the more reason for me to get out of here already," she clenched her fists.

"You won't be stuck in this bed for much longer," Clarke laced their fingers and tried to sooth. "My mom says your physical therapy has been going very well."

"It has," Lexa confirmed.

"And that the PT and the Flame really complement each other," Clarke added. She was just trying to make Lexa focus on something positive.

Lexa nodded in contemplation. She pushed herself up to a sitting position, turned herself around and let her legs dangle above the ground.

Clarke scanned Lexa's body in surprise. "Lexa, this is incredible!" Clarke offered. "I've never seen anything like that or read about any case like this."

"Yeah, well, where could you have read about a decades old artificial intelligence taking part in a one of a kind resurrection?" Lexa provided flatly but Clarke chuckled, making Lexa look up at her and offer her a little smile.

"I'm a little afraid of actually stepping off this bed," Lexa admitted vulnerably and locked eyes with Clarke. "I don't think my legs can carry my weight, yet."

She didn't want to tell Clarke about the fall she experienced a few days prior. She didn't want to tell anyone, but based on Clarke's stare she had a feeling Clarke figured her out.

"You will get there soon enough," Clarke promised. "You are one step away of not being bedridden anymore."

Lexa smiled at her gratefully and Clarke returned the smile.

"Have you thought about what's the first thing you're going to do once you're out of here?" Clarke tried to focus on something positive again, but she was also wondering what was going to happen once Lexa finally emerged from her medical prison.

"I have a general idea," Lexa narrowed her eyes. She bit her lip and looked back up. "Thank you, Clarke," she added sweetly.

"What for?" Clarke wondered out loud in confusion.

"For still coming to visit me. For trying to be my friend," Lexa explained. "I know it isn't fair."

"Many things aren't fair," Clarke shrugged. "Like thinking for years that the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with was beheaded when in fact she was alive all along, as a prisoner, being tortured. Like being shot to death by a man you looked up to."

Lexa sighed. When things were laid out like that, the world felt pretty gloomy.

"Yeah, none of this is particularly fair," she concurred.

"If only the assumed-to-be-dead-loved-one had resurfaced, and the death-by-a-gunshot was somehow reversed." Clarke proposed innocently. "If only there was a way that we could all have a second chance," she concluded in contemplation.

"Yes," Lexa agreed with a smile. "If only."


	68. De Seken Chapter 66

**Chapter 66**

 _One Week Later…_

Costia walked into the lab and stopped in her tracks. The sight in front of her was so marvelous that she subconsciously let her guard down and smiled widely. It wasn't every day that one's dead lover, who has been bedridden for days, would be found standing on the balcony, seeming completely at ease.

Costia was so excited seeing Lexa letting her hair blow in the light breeze, that she didn't even care it was the middle of the day and that the ghost stories were probably about to intensify. Lexa's recovery was nothing short of a miracle.

"Alex!" she called excitedly, closing the distance between herself and the balcony. Lexa turned around, a happy smirk on her face. She knew exactly how important the moment was. "Look at you all up and at it!" Costia added gleefully as she reached the balcony and stood in front of Lexa. She was scanning Lexa's posture to see if Lexa needed any help in the form of support but Lexa seemed steady on her feet.

"I am," Lexa confirmed softly, making Costia look up at her. There was a glint in Lexa's eyes that wasn't there before. Especially since Costia let her guard down and was standing so close by. Lexa spent the whole morning on the balcony, at some point she watched Costia and Clarke train together. It made her heart soar. It was pure joy to see Costia fight. She forgot just how skillful her love was, and even though Clarke wasn't exactly a match and Costia didn't have to do much fighting, her movements were precise and graceful and Lexa could already see that Clarke's own movements were mimicking that grace.

"And now that I can do this, I have every intention of getting out of here as soon as possible. **You** are going to start training with me again," Lexa ordered and took a step toward Costia, looking all predatory like. She really couldn't wait. She grabbed Costia's hand and pulled her closer, making Costia very evidently gulp. She wrapped her arm around Costia's waist. "And **I** will take you to bed," she spoke softly straight into Costia's ear and could feel her love shudder in her arms. She **really** couldn't wait.

"Umm…" Costia tried but she really didn't know how to respond. Lexa seemed at peace after so long, Costia hadn't seen her like that since they were both back in the Flame. But things weren't as simple in Costia's head.

Lexa pushed Costia toward the railing of the balcony and used her arms to trap Costia whose back was touching the railing.

"It's time," Lexa announced. "I'm moving back into the quarters."

Costia swallowed hard and slipped away.

"Costia!" Lexa threw her hands in the air in frustration. "You haven't even let me kiss you since you brought me back. Are we ever going to talk about this?" Lexa demanded. Costia was surprised at the outburst. She knew she couldn't avoid the topic forever, she knew running away wasn't going to work once Lexa could chase her, and the love of her life seemed determined on talking.

Costia shook her head helplessly and looked down miserably. She wished she could just forget everything and let herself be with someone who told her she was so very wanted, desired. But she felt like there was a part of Lexa that felt indebted to her, that felt obligated to be with her, and as much as she wished she could quiet these voices in her head, which weren't dead Commanders but her own demons, she couldn't.

Lexa saw the clear turmoil on her lover's face. Her voice softened but she maintained the gap between them, trying to give Costia some space.

"When you first stopped visiting me every night I let it go, I figured a lot was on your mind," she finally confessed, no accusation in her tone, just sadness. Costia looked at her in shock, finally learning that Lexa knew about her absences. "And then you brought me back and I thought… whatever it was that made you not come see me wasn't relevant anymore because we were together again," she bit her lip, her heart was breaking over this, over not knowing how to fix this. "But… something is going on with you. I want us to talk it through, beginning to end, and be done with it for good!" she concluded harshly, trying to not let her voice spike too much.

"We were in a bubble, Alex," Costia admitted weakly and looked away. "And the closer it gotten to bringing you back, the more I knew the day our bubble would burst was nearing. You'll be back, you'll get to choose," she locked eyes with Lexa.

"Choose what?" Lexa huffed.

"I never had to feel jealous before. I do not like how it feels. I think it comes from the worst parts in me," Costia confessed quietly, but she didn't look away again. Lexa wanted to hear the words, the reason, she kept insisting on it, so Costia laid it all out.

 _Clarke,_ Lexa got the confirmation. She suspected, of course, but she really thought that the fact that she kept demanding Costia's affection ever since she got back would be enough to sooth Costia's fears. It wasn't.

 _She still thinks I settled for her because she was the only option I had,_ Lexa was hit by the heartbreaking realization.

"You don't need to feel jealous," she promised gently, taking a step forward. "You have me, completely." She grabbed Costia by the wrists, making her hear the words. But she could see Costia just didn't believe her and it smashed Lexa's heart to pieces even further. "How can you doubt that? How can you doubt **me**?" she asked desperately. She couldn't let this slip away through her fingers. Not this.

"I don't know," Costia admitted miserably. Lexa saw something so broken in her eyes, as if Costia herself didn't have the answers. "Why do you think this is so hard?" Costia added painfully.

"I hate that you got mad at me when I suggested that you're not doing what you're doing out of love for me, but when **I** tell you I love you, you don't believe me," Lexa spoke quietly.

"I know," Costia took a deep breath, but it didn't help, the tears started falling. "I'm sorry."

She turned around and started toward the door, feeling completely suffocated.

"Costia," Lexa tried. She wasn't quick enough to chase someone who didn't want to be caught. "Costia!" she tried again, her own tears threatening to fall. But her lover didn't give her another glance.

* * *

Clarke walked into the Commander's quarters. There was no point in knocking because Lexa was there on her own and a knock could've startled her since no one knew she was alive, so no one was supposed to come seek her.

 _And if she's naked it's not like it's something I've never seen before,_ Clarke figured.

"Hey," she offered softly when she noticed Lexa by the balcony.

"Hey," Lexa replied with a weak smile.

"How do you like being back in your natural habitat?" Clark tried to joke.

"I just exchanged one prison with another," Lexa sighed and walked into the room. "And my roommate isn't too happy that I'm here."

Clarke nodded. She couldn't say she was surprised. It's only been a few days since Lexa left the lab, but Clarke knew it was done against Costia's will, and one look at the sofa in the room made it very clear that someone was using it as a bed.

"What is going on with her?" Clarke probed. She suspected that she had a better idea than Lexa what was actually going on with Costia, but she wasn't sure it was her place to say anything.

"What's going on is that she's stubborn and thick-headed," Lexa gritted her teeth. "Which she's always been, but this is a new sort of stubbornness."

 _One that is fueled in part by a lack of a certain thing that really helped Costia's brain heal,_ Clarke assumed.

"I don't know what to do," Lexa admitted vulnerably. She didn't want to hurt Clarke, but in a way, Clarke was the only person other than Costia that she could be completely honest with. "There's a part of me that feels like if I don't do something I might lose her forever," she added and looked away.

 _And you already lost her forever once,_ Clarke thought, _and she's not just the person you love, she's your best friend._

Clarke laughed sarcastically on the inside. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on her. Being in Lexa's room, comforting the woman she loved about the person that Lexa loved, was quite surreal, but she couldn't act against Costia. She didn't want to, even though she really wanted to. She finally spoke in a calm, steady voice.

"Then I suggest that you talk to her, because I know the look in her eyes and I think she's going to leave." Clarke's words were the words of someone who did her fair share of leaving, after the mountain. She knew what the need to leave everything behind felt like. She knew what being trapped felt like.

"I know that look, too," Lexa confirmed sadly. "I used to see it weeks before our conclave."

 _And later, when she convinced me to let her go meet Nia,_ Lexa thought in pain. _It's the look she gets when she finally gives up._

Lexa knew that look all too well, she just didn't realize what it was when she first saw it, all those years ago. But now she recognized it for what it was – acceptance of some gloomy, unavoidable future.

* * *

"And we had the first acid rain in the Ton DC area," Indra reported.

Costia already heard it the night before, but this was when the ambassadors learned about it. Other clan leaders, and Roan as well, were in attendance. Costia called upon them knowing that the news were good, for a change, and she wanted to allow the leaders to deliver a calming message to their clans.

"Luckily, it being close to the Ark, it was already covered by sheets and people used their masks. Other than general fear, it seems like our plan is working," Indra concluded with a smile, looking at Octavia.

"It **is** working," Costia confirmed. "We have Octavia to thank for that," she gestured at her young ambassador and the rest of the ambassadors nodded at Octavia gratefully.

"People are receiving injections all throughout the clans' territories," Costia added. "If all goes according to plan, in about a month from now everyone's blood would've turned, by which point most of Octavia's plans would have also been executed, and we'd still have a month to spare."

Everyone was alert, listening closely to Costia's words.

"However, the rains will become stronger and more frequent, and you can clearly feel that the temperature is rising," she warned.

"Yes," Octavia agreed, "I know we are progressing according to the timeline, but we need to speed things up. In case something unforeseeable happens," she summarized and everyone nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, the door to the throne room flew open. Everyone jumped in surprise and looked toward the door.

Costia froze and clenched her fists.

Everyone else either gasped, mumbled, or fell to their knees, because at the door, followed by a few guards who seemed just as puzzled, stood Lexa.

The people who knew about her, namely Octavia, Indra, Titus and Clarke, looked back at Costia to see how she'd react. They didn't know if this was planned or not.

Costia narrowed her eyes that were currently locked with Lexa's.

"I thought the ghost rumors were absurd," Roan stood in disbelief, bowing his head. Everyone in the room followed suit, then turned to look at Costia who stood up, carrying herself with strength and grace as if nothing about the situation was out of the ordinary.

This wasn't the right time as far as she was concerned, but the decision was taken out of her hands and she was left with no choice but play along.

"How is this possible?" The Desert clan ambassador scanned Lexa's face, dumbfounded. "We saw your body. We paid our respects."

"Are we seeing things again?" the Shallow Valley clan ambassador asked, eyes so wide Clarke thought they might fall out.

"You are not," Costia stated flatly. "The spirit of the Commander left me, and chose another," she clarified. She already thought about what she would say when the day came for Lexa to take over, she just didn't think it'd happen so soon. "I give you the Commander who beat death itself."

She took the forehead piece off, which was Lexa's cue to close the gap between them and stand next to Costia below the throne. She could tell Costia was upset, but she knew she had to do something extreme to get Costia's attention, to remind her that she, too, had power in their relationship and that Costia couldn't keep making all the decisions for both of them. Lexa was ready to assume responsibility.

She tried to figure out what her lover was thinking but Costia wouldn't look at her. Lexa gritted her teeth and decided to move forward and deal with the aftermath later.

 ** _"Kostia kom okru_** did whatever a good second in command is expected to do when her Commander has fallen. She took charge. She rose to the occasion."

Everyone in the room looked at one another, not entirely sure how to respond. Within moments they had to accept that someone managed to overcome death, and also deal with a change in leadership. It was all too overwhelming and they still weren't sure they were actually witnessing what they thought they were witnessing.

"Her service to me, and to you, was devoted, and inspiring, and she paved the way to our survival, and hopefully, more than just that," she looked at Clarke instinctively. It was a short, subtle look, but she couldn't help herself, and it was enough for Clarke to notice and smile sadly. "However, I have returned. I've been to the other side, I've been one with the Flame, and I was chosen to come back to you and finish what we all started together, friends."

Scanning her profile from the side, Costia knew Lexa had them. She could tell Lexa said what they needed to hear to not only convince them that this was real, but also to make them accept the change with open hearts. She could only imagine the parties the people of Polis would throw once they found out.

"I have accepted the call once more, and from this day on, I am your Commander again," Lexa concluded.

Costia couldn't help but being proud for a moment. Lexa didn't need someone else to announce her ascension. She didn't need to be given the leadership. She took it. Her strength left Costia in awe.

But Costia's heart also broke a little. There was a part of her that didn't want Lexa to be the Commander again. It was the part that knew that when Lexa was the Commander, it was what she was first and foremost.

 ** _"Heda,"_** everyone in the room got down on their knees, honoring their returning fallen Commander.

Costia swallowed hard, exchanged looks with Lexa, and started walking toward the door. She knew Lexa wanted her to stay, but she couldn't bear being in that room a moment longer, and Lexa had to accept that and let her leave.

"I don't know what you did, there are many things that I accepted I can't comprehend, but I know it was you, and I'm impressed," she heard Roan speaking quietly as she reached the door. "I guess it's a good thing I didn't let her body rot."

"Yes, Roan. You did good," Costia scoffed. "If you weren't a king already I'd ask Lexa to make you a knight." She tried to maintain her normal sarcastic tone she always used when she addressed him but he saw through her and she could have sworn she saw a little smile sneak between his lips.

She nodded curtly, turned around, and left everyone behind her to hear the words of their new Commander. To receive some sort of explanation that was probably not even remotely close to what truly transpired in the lab nearly a month prior.

* * *

She walked into their quarters hours later. The sun had already set.

Lexa was pacing by the window, stopping in her tracks the moment she heard the door open.

"Where were you?" she demanded.

"Out," Costia shrugged. "On the roof, at one point," she really didn't feel like having a conversation, but there was a little part of her that wanted to provoke Lexa with her casual approach at what was clearly a very loaded moment between them.

Lexa looked away. Costia couldn't possibly know that the last time she was on that roof was the night that she was told Costia was murdered. Costia couldn't possibly know that she hadn't been able to go back up there, since. That at one point she thought about throwing herself into the flames of the torch, let the pain end.

"I was worried," she tried to sound more concerned than upset.

"You know you don't need to worry about me," Costia brushed off. She didn't intend on staying long. She couldn't. But she wanted to grab a few things.

"You left in the middle of the meeting, of course I was worried," Lexa countered, a little more edge to her tone.

"Didn't seem too worried when you walked in and dethroned me without a heads up," Costia bit right back.

"It was time," Lexa stated coldly.

"I didn't think so," Costia replied off-handedly, "but I guess you just made the decision for both of us, then?"

"Yes," Lexa confirmed with no regrets. "I am the Commander." She felt like Costia left her no choice, that she had to shake Costia up, take back some of the control and hopefully lift some of the weight of the burden off Costia's shoulders.

"Yes, let us never forget that," Costia laughed sarcastically and picked up one of her books.

"You made the decision for both of us when you decided you don't want us to be together," Lexa pointed out angrily. She was hoping there'd be at least a little part of Costia that'd understand Lexa did this **for** her, but that didn't seem to be the case.

Costia gave her a pained look.

 _Is this really what she thinks?_ Costia wondered in disbelief. _This has nothing to do with what I want._

She shook her head angrily and turned to leave.

"What? Why are you so upset with me? I **am** the Commander," Lexa reminded. "Isn't that why you brought me back? Isn't this what you wanted? To not do this anymore?" If this wasn't enough, Lexa didn't know what else she could do.

"I brought you back so you won't be dead anymore," Costia admitted brokenly.

 _She just exchanged one sort of pain with another,_ Lexa realized in sorrow. _She couldn't handle me not being here and now she can't handle me being here._

This was one enemy that Lexa didn't know how to fight. Costia angered her, and frustrated her, but above all, Lexa loved her so much, and had no idea how to break through the barrier that was between them.

She watched Costia leave and knew she had to stop her.

"Did you shorten my cape?" she finally blurted.

"Yes," Costia replied simply.

"Why?"

"Because I'm shorter than you?" Costia rolled her eyes.

"But you knew I was coming back," Lexa reminded.

"I didn't know anything for sure and I wanted to wear it," Costia huffed. Did Lexa not realize how badly Costia needed to carry something of hers? "Whatever, you know I think the cape is stupid," she concluded, trying to shrink the importance of the whole thing. She turned with finality and started toward the door once more.

"Costia!" Lexa ordered. She couldn't believe that the silly subject just turned into another fight, especially since she **did** realize what Costia tried to do by using her cape, but she just didn't know how to express anything when every word seemed so explosive. "Don't walk away from me!" she warned angrily.

But the other woman just left, not managing to hide her anger and hurt. Not even a little bit.

* * *

Notes:

1\. "I was chosen to come back to you and finish what we all started together, friends." I tried to figure out whether I wanted Lexa to use the word "friends" in her speech or not, because I don't think she would on any other occasion, but I felt like she realized this time around she needed to. She needed to point out the personal connection, to include her ambassadors.

2\. "Costia couldn't possibly know that the last time she was on that roof was the night that she was told Costia was murdered. Costia couldn't possibly know that she hadn't been able to go back up there, since. That at one point she thought about throwing herself into the flames of the torch, let the pain end." This is all from the last chapter of volume 1, chapter 38.

3\. "Whatever, you know I think the cape is stupid." Costia always did think the cape was stupid. Volume 1, chapter 31:

"Do you think we can shorten your red cape, though?" Costia teased after a moment.

"Costia!" Lexa snorted, slapping her lover's shoulder.

"What? I always thought it was such a silly thing. I already saw you almost tripping on it earlier. So unpractical!"


	69. De Seken Chapter 67

**Chapter 67**

 _One Week Later…_

Lexa walked into her quarters, looking for Costia. The guards that escorted her remained outside as Lexa shut the door behind her. She begged Costia to assume her role as a First Warrior again but Costia refused even though Lexa phrased her wish as an order. Titus kept asking her to let him take Costia's place, but she objected, saying it was not necessary and thinking that it might send the wrong message to Costia – not a message of being replaced, but one of letting Costia think her behavior was acceptable.

Lexa found Costia packing. One glance at the unkempt sheets on the sofa and Lexa gritted her teeth. She spent hours the night before sitting in her bed, **their** bed, and staring at Costia who was sleeping on the sofa. Considering Costia hardly even moved, Lexa didn't believe she was actually asleep.

Costia didn't want to share a room with Lexa, but she stayed, not because Lexa ordered her to, but because Costia was still worried about Lexa's physical well-being. So she remained, but she wouldn't share a bed with Lexa, and still, her staying gave Lexa hope, the hope that Costia cared enough to stick around. But every day Costia became a little bit more on edge.

Lexa didn't know what to do. With every minute that went by she could feel Costia slipping away, and, based on what her love was currently doing, Lexa feared she had lost the battle.

Costia ignored her presence. She figured her actions were pretty self explanatory as she grabbed one of the special masks Octavia's efforts produced. It was suppose to help in case of acid rain.

Lexa guessed that if she'd empty Costia's bag she'd find a special water bottle, too.

"Costia," Lexa sighed. "What are you doing, my love?" No matter how mad she was, she tried to use words of endearment in their conversations, trying to subtly show Costia that no one made her be here, she wanted to be here, with Costia. But it didn't work.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Costia scoffed and didn't even look up.

"It looks like you're leaving, but you can't possibly entertain the thought of leaving," Lexa voice rose, "you are needed here." Lexa always knew what to say to Costia, but ever since she's been back nothing has been the same. She wasn't even sure what approach was likely to get better results, turn to Costia's sense of duty, or to her heart.

Costia shook her head and finally found Lexa's eyes. "I brought you back, I made sure there was something for you to come back **to** ," she pointed out, as if asking what more could Lexa possibly want of her. "I have served my purpose. My work is done," she concluded.

"Your work is **not** done," Lexa argued. "Last I checked I was the Commander and you were my First Warrior," she reminded with a glare.

"Respectfully, Commander, I decline the position," Costia stated flatly.

"Respectfully, **_Fosgona,_** you can't decline a position you've never really left," Lexa clenched her fists and moved closer. Costia refused to look at her again, so Lexa grabbed her wrist, making her look. "I know you want to rest," Lexa soothed softly, "you kept holding on for so long, you've been so unbelievably strong, but we are not done. Except now? Now we get to face things together. And we were always invincible together, so, Cos, please, don't go. Don't leave me again," Lexa pleaded, biting her lip, trying to stop the tears. She couldn't help but remembering the last time they were in the same room and Costia was preparing to leave. It took her three years to come back, and Lexa wasn't sure the person who came back from **_Azgeda_** was the same person who left.

Costia searched her eyes, really seeing her, and for a moment Lexa thought that she had actually managed to sway Costia.

"Alex…" she started weakly. "I can't stay here anymore. I feel the walls of this place closing in on me, please, don't ask me to stay."

 _I just did,_ Lexa thought.

She didn't know where to go from there.

 _Is this a test? Does she want me to fight harder?_ Lexa wondered. But one more look into Costia's eyes and she could tell her love needed to escape.

She dropped Costia's hand and stepped aside, clearing the way for the other woman.

Costia nodded in a mix of guilt and relief, and exited the room.

Lexa sat down on the sofa, face in her palms.

A moment later she stood up again and walked to the balcony, searching the city below for she didn't know how long until she saw a woman on the back of a horse, riding away from the tower and toward the city gates.

Lexa followed the figure for as long as she could see her, and kept staring at that general direction a while longer after the figure disappeared, wondering if this was how her story with her second half ends.

* * *

Lexa was standing on the throne room's balcony, looking at the horizon, seeming indifferent. Clarke knew better, though. Lexa spent so much time on balconies now that it was very clear she was hoping to spot something, or rather, someone. Her body posture hinted at restlessness and Clarke suspected she indeed didn't rest much.

Lexa wasn't just angry, Clarke knew. She was worried, too. Polis experienced its first acid rain two days prior and thanks to Octavia's plans the damage was minimal. Clarke was proud of Octavia's achievements and looking at her friend she could tell Octavia was proud of herself, too. She walked around with new air around her, seeming determined, as if she found a new purpose. But every now and then Clarke saw a sad expression on her face and she knew Octavia wished she could show all of the accomplishments to Lincoln, but also to Costia, the person who gave her a chance. Clarke herself missed their classes together.

It seemed that quietly but persistently, Costia found her way into all their hearts, making it impossible for them to fully appreciate things without her.

And if Clarke felt that way, she couldn't even imagine how Lexa must have felt. When the rain came and they experienced firsthand the use of the masks, Lexa seemed relieved for a while, seeing it all worked fine, assuming Costia was okay with her own mask, too, but Clarke knew nothing would quiet the Commander's fears unless she could see Costia every single day and know for a fact that no harm was done to her.

Clarke was surprised when she learned Costia actually left. She didn't think Lexa would let things come to that. Lexa shut down so completely ever since then that Clarke was even more puzzled Lexa allowed it to happen.

"Spill it out, Clarke," Lexa ordered from her place on the balcony. She could feel the eyes boring into her back. "You've been staring at me like that for days."

"Like that, like how?" Clarke questioned innocently.

"Like you have something you want to say and you know I won't like it," Lexa huffed and turned around, locking challenging eyes with Clarke.

"Then maybe I shouldn't say it," Clarke shrugged. These days it seemed like the only way to get something real out of Lexa was to provoke her.

"Clarke," Lexa warned, every little thing irritated her since Costia left. Everyone else was walking around her on eggshells, but not Clarke, never Clarke. It was part of why Lexa always loved her, and loved her still.

"You let her leave," Clarke stated simply. It was the combination of a blame and an inquiry. Clarke felt like she needed Costia, too. She counted on Lexa to make sure Costia stayed.

Lexa sighed and looked away. It would've been so easy to just not talk to Clarke, or to indeed reply, but in a non-obligatory manner. But that was never their way with each other.

"I read this saying once," Lexa started and smiled at Clarke sadly. "If you love somebody, set them free, if they come back to you…"

"They're yours forever," Clarke completed in understanding. She knew the saying as well. "If not, they were never yours to begin with."

"Yes," Lexa confirmed. She didn't think there was anything else to say.

"I think we both know which one is the right one when it comes to you and Costia," Clarke offered softly, forcing Lexa to look at her. "But maybe you need to help her come back to you. She needs you."

Lexa said nothing.

"Lexa…"

"She begged me to not ask her to stay," Lexa confessed miserably. "She told me the walls were closing in on her. She's been suffocating here, Clarke," Lexa provided. " **I've** been suffocating her," she admitted heartbrokenly.

Clarke knew it wasn't true. Hearing Lexa describing Costia's words only strengthened her suspicion.

"Lexa," Clarke tried cautiously, "she hasn't been the same."

"I know," Lexa commented, frustrated.

"No, I mean, since you came back. She's more erratic, she's…" Clarke bit her lip. "I need to tell you something."

"What is it?"

Clarke hesitated. _Am I actually encouraging the woman I love to go and be with the other woman she loves?_

But Clarke couldn't help it. She genuinely cared about Costia. And she wanted Lexa to be happy, too.

"I think the Flame sort of kept her brain together," she finally blurted.

"What do you mean?"

"She has PTSD. Because of everything that happened in **_Azgeda_** _,"_ Clarke explained, hoping beyond hope that nowadays Lexa, who was basically sort of a Lexa 2.0, would know what it meant, just like Lexa now knew exactly what an AI was.

Lexa gave her such an intense look, such an "of course, I should've known" look, that Clarke knew Lexa understood.

"We talked about this, back in the Flame, she was doing fine. She was sleeping better, she managed to focus…" her eyes widened in sudden understanding. "The Flame. That's what you mean," it clicked in her head. "It fixed her, just like it fixed me."

"Yes," Clarke confirmed. She's been seeing Costia struggling with certain things for so long, but the decline in her mental state was very evident ever since the Flame was taken out of her.

"And now that she doesn't have it anymore…" Lexa started laughing bitterly.

"Why are you laughing?" Clarke questioned in puzzlement.

"Because she knew this would happen and she still did it," Lexa stated flatly. "All this suffering. She would've been better off if I didn't come back."

"No, she wouldn't have, not even close," Clarke objected angrily. "She was willing to give it away because she would do anything for you." Clarke pointed out with a sad smile.

Lexa looked at her with remorse.

 _She would,_ Lexa thought. _Even when she thinks I don't want her. Except that I do, and I would do anything for her, too._

Lexa swallowed hard. "I need to go."

"Yes," Clarke agreed, "you do."

She took a few days to reacquaint herself with sitting on a horse.

Titus stared at her now, mind boggled, refusing to believe it was a good idea to let someone who a few weeks ago was still bedridden, ride a horse, let alone on her own.

What he didn't realize was that a sitting position was easy, tapping her feet was easy, and she didn't need much more than that. If she ran into trouble, well, that was a different matter, but she wasn't planning on running into any trouble unless that trouble was named Costia.

" ** _Heda_** , please," Titus pleaded, "you need to have a **_Fosgona_** with you. I was Costia's, I beg you to let me escort you, if not me then someone else. Appoint anyone you want," he tried to sound cheerful, but it wasn't a natural look on him.

"No," Lexa shut him down flatly. "I already have a **_Fosgona_**. She's just too darn stubborn."

 _And probably somewhat damaged,_ Lexa added mentally, sadly.

"Clarke, maybe you can convince her," Titus turned to the other Flamekeeper in desperation.

"I don't think so, not this time," Clarke smiled apologetically. She wasn't even sure she wanted to stop Lexa. She understood why Lexa wanted to do this alone.

"You don't even know where you're headed," Titus argued.

"Yes, I do," Lexa begged to differ. "She went home."

Clarke was trying to figure out exactly what that meant.

"Costia will be mad at you for travelling alone," Titus tried a different strategy. The only one he had left.

"Costia will have to deal with it," Lexa concluded sharply and rode away without looking back.

* * *

Notes:

"If you love somebody, set them free." It's a famous saying and it has a few variations but it seems like no one knows its exact origins. Which is one of the reasons why I liked the idea that both Lexa and Clarke were familiar with it. At the end of the day, their history is the same, the history of the human race. Humanity split between ground and space 100 years prior, but they still share the history and I liked that certain things withstood the test of time, found their way to both Clarke's books on the ark, but also into the Grounder's literature, or perhaps to one of Costia's books from the mountain that Lexa read, or maybe both. I'll let you decide. But somehow it made sense to me that they both knew the saying, and they loved the fact that they both knew it.


	70. De Seken Chapter 68

**Chapter 68**

Lexa enjoyed the wind on her face as she rode through the forest. It was a route she used so many times in her life, but this felt different. It felt like she was riding toward something sacred. She was, in a way, considering she was basically headed to a mass grave.

She couldn't help but wonder if the outcome of the events that brought to the downfall of the mountain would've been different if she hadn't left Clarke alone to deal with the mountain men. But she knew deep down that even with all the guilt and sorrow, she made the right call, as much as she wished she could regret it. There were many things she wished she could regret.

All that was left now was to find **her** mountain girl. Her living, breathing proof that things were never black and white, especially when it came to people.

If Lexa would've listened to her mentors back when she was six years old, if she would have agreed with them and viewed the crying girl she found under a tree that fateful day as an enemy, the entire course of her life would've been so different. She was taught since birth that she should kill people who came from where Costia did. Instead, she fell in love with her.

Jumping off that tree all those years ago, telling Costia to not be afraid, was the best decision she'd ever made and she was only six years old.

Here she was again, years later, on her way to tell Costia to not be afraid once more.

Others, maybe, wouldn't have thought of coming and looking for Costia between the ruins of Mount Weather, but Lexa knew her love. Costia always wanted to go home. Lexa was her home, but where did Costia go when she felt like she couldn't turn to Lexa? When she wanted to be alone?

At least here Costia was close enough to Ton DC to make a trip every few days to their new water reservoir and refill her bottles.

Lexa reached the edge of the forest, where the trees ended and the way up to the mountain started.

"Costia!" she called, looking up, scanning the tree tops. "I know you are up there."

For a few moments the woods were completely silent, but Lexa didn't doubt herself for a second. She kept searching until she heard some leaves' movement and when she turned her head toward the noise she saw Costia sitting on a tree branch, looking to the distance.

"Imagine what would've happened if my mom never gotten sick," she started quietly, clearly in some melancholic mood. "Would she still let me meet my father at some point, or would I spend my entire life here?" She wouldn't look at Lexa. It's as if she had days to think about these things and no one to share them with. "And then at some point the sky people would've arrived and I'd witness everyone but mom die around us, and god knows what would've become of us. Maybe **_skaikru_** would've taken us in," she finally looked at Lexa, very clearly rattled by the idea, "and you would've been miles and miles away in Polis, and we would have never even met, and I would've been just another face in the crowd, and you would still be on your throne."

 _I would have been as cold as ice if I'd never have met you,_ Lexa thought. _Who even knows if I'd have been the Commander?_

Costia taught her love, and Lexa realized now that one had to love in order to lead.

 _It should be the fourth pillar of being the Commander,_ she thought and followed Costia's gaze. Costia was looking at the ruins.

"Maybe if she had survived and we left I would've met you, but then dad would've never been with Dara and Aden wouldn't have been born," Costia added, contemplative. "We can never have it all, can we?" she inquired gloomily but still didn't look at Lexa. "I never had the chance of having both you and mom. If she would have lived I'd probably never have met you. It was always either or."

Lexa scanned Costia's face. She was sitting up high, so Lexa couldn't be certain but she thought that maybe Costia was feeling guilty knowing that if she had to choose between her mother and Lexa she would've chosen Lexa.

"This place is making you sad, Cos," Lexa tried softly, urging Costia to look at her. "You don't have to be here."

"What are you doing here, Alexandra?" Costia finally acknowledged Lexa's presence not just as someone to speak to after what Lexa assumed was two weeks of isolation, but Lexa, herself, with all the meanings of what came with that.

 _Is she too used to being isolated?_ Lexa wondered in worry. _Does it feel more comforting being here alone than with the company of others?_ She was thinking about **_Azgeda_** , too.

"It's time you come home," she finally stated, trying to feel as sure as she sounded.

"Yeah? And where is home exactly these days?" Costia laughed bitterly. "Mountain is gone," she gestured with her hand at the ruins, "there's nothing left for me in Ton DC and…"

"And? Your home is where it's always been," Lexa took off her top to show Costia her tattooed right arm. "By my side."

Costia didn't say a word. She stared at Lexa intently, wondering why Lexa chose today of all days to show up.

"We need you if we're going to do this. **I** need you, I always had." Lexa clarified. She needed Costia to know this wasn't about duty, not really, it was about love. "There's much more work to do. What if the gene therapy didn't work?"

"Don't say that! We know that it did!"

"We **hope** that it did. But what if the months go by and we find out that it didn't? What if the Nightblood is not enough?" Lexa argued. "Did you really go through all this trouble of bringing me back just so we could both die again in a few months? Die alone instead of together, too?"

Costia looked away. She worked so hard to make sure everyone was safe, that Lexa was safe, and Lexa was playing on that feeling and Costia knew that. Lexa didn't even feel bad about it because it was true. They hoped the gene therapy had worked, but if it didn't, and it was all coming crashing down on them, Lexa wanted to go out holding Costia's hand.

"We always choose for each other," Lexa pointed out. "You chose to die at the conclave for me, I chose to keep you alive and make you my **_Fosgona_**. It has to stop," she pleaded. "That's why I let you leave. I wanted you to make your own choice. But it's been two weeks and we are running out of time, so, enough," she stated flatly. One more word and she was afraid she'd lose her nerve. Fighting with Costia wasn't like arguing with anyone else, except for maybe Clarke. And in Costia's current state of mind her reaction wasn't exactly predicable.

"Is **that** why you let me leave?" Costia asked, skeptical. Part of her thought she was making things easier for Lexa by taking herself out of the equation.

"Yes," Lexa insisted. "If you think you did me a favor you are wrong. Get off that tree and come back with me and that's an order," Lexa tried, but before she even finished saying the words she knew it wouldn't work.

"You are not my Commander, Alex," Costia snorted and crossed her arms.

"I'm not telling you that as your Commander," Lexa groaned. Costia could be so stubborn, add to that whatever crazy mess that was going on in her lover's head right now and the whole conversation was nearly futile. "Come down here so we can talk. I'm not going to lose my voice over this," Lexa narrowed her eyes. She wasn't going to leave. If Costia needed a staring contest to understand that Lexa wasn't going to turn her back on her, Lexa could glare at her from now until eternity.

Costia didn't show any signs of moving, so Lexa decided to sit down, meditate all day and night below that tree. At some point Costia would need food.

She turned her head towards the ruins of Mount Weather, thinking that their current positions were mirroring the day she found Costia. Except she was the one sitting on the forest floor now, waiting, and Costia was watching her from the top of the tree, trying to decided whether she should come down or not.

Moments later Lexa felt a soft thump behind her and she knew Costia came down. Another moment later and Costia sat down next to her. They were quiet for a while, silently acknowledging that they needed to talk, but not even sure where to start, so instead, they were postponing that moment.

"You never wanted to be **_Heda_** , I still can't believe you came back and did all of this," Lexa finally voiced sadly.

"I knew you'd want me to do it," Costia shrugged, but at least she didn't look away from Lexa and that was a little positive sign as far as Lexa was concerned.

"What about what **you** wanted? I was dead, you could've ran away, see the world, leave the responsibilities to others. Use whatever time there's left to travel," Lexa pointed out. She wanted nothing more than having Costia by her side, but her heart broke knowing that it was her very will that kept Costia there all these years, preventing her lover from maybe doing something else. That sense of duty Costia had towards Lexa prevented her from moving on even after Lexa's death. Instead, she didn't accept Lexa's death. She undid it.

"If I do what I want when I know how much you want me to do something else, then I've loved you for myself, not for you," Costia stated simply, smiling sadly. She looked away.

"You say all those beautiful things, like you always did, but then why did you leave?" Lexa questioned miserably. "It seems like you can't even be around me anymore."

"It's different now," Costia's face contorted in pain but she forced her eyes up back to Lexa. She needed Lexa to know that she wasn't trying to be manipulative, that being in Polis was too hard. "I don't want to be in the way."

"How can you say that, Costia?" Lexa shook her head. She was angry, but she was starting to understand what Clarke was trying to tell her. Whatever insecurities Costia already had were intensified by the fact that the Flame was gone, and just taking Lexa's word that she had nothing to worry about wasn't enough. It truly wasn't, and it broke Lexa' heart to know that Costia really believed that Lexa wouldn't want to be with her anymore. "I promised myself to you," Lexa reminded, swallowing hard. They weren't shouting, yet the moment was so emotional, the stakes were so high and Lexa felt completely helpless.

"Alex we met when we were six years old, we were young," Costia chuckled bittersweetly, "you met someone new. I'm not mad anymore, I'm just sad," she admitted, and looking at her, Lexa realized why Costia refused to have this conversation for weeks. Costia seemed to be tortured by every word that came out of her mouth.

"Tell me you don't actually believe that," Lexa demanded. That feeling of losing, of not knowing how to fight what was essentially the voices in Costia's head, came to the surface again. They never had to deal with something like that before. "After all the talks we had about this, I need you to know I want to be here," her voice started to rise. "And to be honest I find it insulting that you would insinuate I'm feeling forced to be with you. Have you forgotten what we are to each other?" she yelled in actual anger before forcing her breath to stabilize.

It was a complicated situation. The insecurities were intensified by everything that Costia's been through, yes, by the loss of the Flame, but the logic behind it, Costia's words, were rooted in real fear.

"Maybe I'm not the same person you fell in love with," Costia offered quietly. Even if Lexa did tell the truth, even if she wanted Costia, Costia didn't feel like herself more often than not. Especially since Lexa came back. The nightmares, the fears, the mood swings. She had to keep a brave front for as long as she was still the Commander but now she could finally face the truth – she felt like a shadow of whom she used to be.

"Then I'll fall in love with the new you. I have a feeling she's not as different as you think she is," Lexa insisted.

"Why? Alex?" Costia sighed. She was wondering what it would take to just make Lexa go away so they could both start moving on. "Some twisted sense of duty?"

"No, you stubborn idiot, because you are my second half!" The harsh outburst made Costia gasp at her in shock. "A stubborn idiot which you've always been, by the way. See? Not so different," Lexa added with a huff.

Costia sighed. "I'm **not** the same person, Alex. I'm broken."

"I'm different, too, Cos," Lexa pointed out. "I've done many things I'm ashamed of, things that maybe I wouldn't have done if I didn't lose you. The day you were taken away changed both of us," she added and thought about how she let a whole village die by a missile shot from Mount Weather. She thought about the day she left the sky people on Mount Weather to fend for themselves. Was it really all that different from Bellamy contributing to the murder of three hundred people? Or Jaha torturing and killing people who wouldn't help ALIE? Or even Ontari killing all of Lexa's novitiates to assure her own rise to the throne? All these decisions were made as a part of a strategy, as were Lexa's choices. Was it really any different?

She hoped so, she wanted to believe so.

"You're trying to find your way back," Lexa started again, voice soothing, "and so am I. You're broken? Well, so am I. I am clinically braindead, remember? Or I was, at least."

Costia chuckled, she couldn't help herself. "You knowing what it all means now is ridiculously sexy. Please stop," she requested sincerely. It didn't help her ultimate goal at all.

"I won't. I'm going to use every tool within my grasp to get you to surrender," Lexa stated meaningfully.

"I just want you to be happy, Lex," Costia pleaded, she needed this to end. It was hard to not go see Lexa in the Flame every night, it was hard to not surrender to her once she was back. Costia couldn't keep running like this, not when it was the opposite of what her heart wanted. "And you know I'd do anything for you if you asked me, so please, don't ask me, not unless…"

"Costia," Lexa shook her head. "I'm yours. I've been yours my entire life and as long as I'm alive I don't want that to change. I love you so much and when I think I can't love you more than I already do, you do something completely insane and remind me there's always more when it comes to you," she concluded sincerely. "I know there's a lot going on in your head, I understand why, too, and I'm still here to tell you that I love you, to ask you to come home with me. That is what I want. That's what will make me happy."

"What about… other people?" Costia almost didn't ask, but she didn't want to live in doubts.

"Other people know where I stand. They… she knows where my heart lies first and foremost. She knows…" Lexa paused.

 _She knows that I love her, too._

"She realizes that as long as both you and I breathe, I never want to be with anyone else." It was the truth. She knew she would long for Clarke, maybe always, she knew that she was bound to live her life loving two people, but she knew she wanted to be with someone whom she wouldn't have to share with anyone else, and she knew that someone deserved the same from her. That someone was Costia. "Come home with me, my love, I need you. I'll never get tired of telling you that I love you but I'm tired of saying it without you believing it."

"I… I can't promise you anything," Costia admitted sadly. She wished her brain would just shut up and let her believe the genuinely speaking woman in front of her.

"Can you promise me that you'll try, at least? With me?" Lexa inquired, cupping Costia's cheek, enjoying the softness of her skin.

"Yeah," Costia nodded and bit her lip. She laced Lexa's fingers with hers and put her head on Lexa's shoulder, looking forward at the ruins of the mountain. "I can promise that I'll try."

* * *

Notes:

1\. "There were many things she wished she could regret." Being with Clarke is another thing that she may wished she could regret so Costia wouldn't get hurt, but she couldn't. She would never regret being with Clarke.

2\. "The crying girl she found under a tree that fateful day." Volume 1, prologue, of course.

3\. Remember when Nardo and the family sent Lexa the letter with the forehead piece and I mentioned that in a way they mentioned **all** pillars of being a Commander? See Volume 1, chapter 32.

4\. "And thought about how she let a whole village die by a missile shot from Mount Weather." Episode 2X12.

5\. "She thought about the day she left the sky people on Mount Weather to fend for themselves." Episode 2X15.


	71. De Seken Chapter 69

**Chapter 69**

 _One Week Later…_

Clarke walked into the temple to get her injection. The diplomatic staff in Polis and the advisors were allowed a little more privacy and each got their own time slot. She was a little early. She escaped the throne room right after the morning meeting, trying to avoid encountering certain people.

Except that the first person she saw when she walked into the temple was Costia.

She wasn't the Commander anymore, which meant that she really was just Costia. And even though Costia was anything but "just," the notion of having that weight lifted off her shoulders seemed to have calmed her down somewhat. That was the only thing she had calmed down about, Clarke suspected.

She was glad Lexa managed to convince Costia to come back, she herself missed Costia, missed their talks, and mutual trust, and lessons. That didn't mean it was easy to talk to Costia or that Clarke appreciated what was clearly an ambush.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded, dropping all pretence. Her mother was nowhere to be found which upset her. She would've appreciated the buffer.

Costia hopped off the table she was sitting on, seeming graceful and sure as always. Whatever else she was dealing with, she was clearly determined about something.

"Clarke," she took a step toward the young advisor, "you haven't even looked at me all week," Costia noted. The statement was clearly sad, but based on Costia's tone alone one wouldn't have been able to guess what she felt.

"You are imagining things," Clarke huffed and crossed her arms.

"Yes, I am. I'm going crazy, I'm aware," Costia provided flatly, "but I'm not imagining this."

"I'm sorry," Clarke apologized immediately, realizing that her remark wasn't exactly considerate under the circumstances.

"You don't need to apologize to me," Costia shook her head, "but I'd like it if you talked to me." She was being sincere, Clarke could tell. It was the first words Costia said since Clarke walked into the room that actually conveyed an emotion.

Clarke looked into Costia's eyes and saw the regret there. She wanted to let it comfort her, knowing that Costia understood what was wrong, but instead, it only upset her more, because it meant Costia did know that she was doing something wrong and she still did it.

The fact was - Clarke was angry. She was mad at Costia and she finally admitted it to herself. She felt bad about it when Costia just came back because she knew how delicate it all was, but Costia was basically giving her permission to be upset now which just angered her even further. She didn't want to be allowed to be mad, she just wanted to be mad.

"You left me, too, you know," Clarke scolded, but Costia could tell it ran way deeper than just a simple scold. "You were my teacher," Clarke reminded, now breathing heavily. She was more than just upset, she was hurt. "And you were my…"

"Friend," Costia finished the sentence for her, knowing that leaving without even a goodbye was wrong. They've started something, a partnership that extended beyond their work and role in their societies. They spend months confiding in one another, comforting one another, elevating one another. Costia broke that trust once when she didn't tell Clarke about bringing Lexa back, but at least now Clarke understood that, she knew that if the tables were turned she would've done the same. But this was the second time, and Clarke couldn't help but think that when she left Arkadia after what happened on the mountain, she at least said goodbye to Bellamy, her partner in crime.

When Costia did something like leaving without a single word, Clarke couldn't help but taking it personally.

"I'm sorry," Costia offered genuinely. She seemed evidently upset now, very clearly with herself. "It appears that I can't think straight these days. Everything I do is wrong," she growled in frustration. "Every decision I make ends up hurting someone I care about."

"That's not true," Clarke objected. "And when it **is** true, it's not entirely your fault."

"You can't both be mad at me and tell me it's not my fault, Clarke," Costia smirked.

"Yes, I can," Clarke insisted.

"But I'm counting on you to not make it easy for me," Costia teased. "At some point the whole "my brain is a mess" excuse becomes redundant. At some point it just becomes bad decision making."

Clarke could tell Costia was trying to joke, but Clarke knew the truth, Costia was scared.

"You are going to be okay," she promised. "Or whatever okay is for people like us. But it will take time."

Costia nodded. "I just hope that I won't push away everyone I care about by the time I'm okay," she admitted vulnerably.

"You have done so many incredible things," Clarke reminded and squeezed her arm. "Those who will desert you in your hour of need don't deserve you," she stated.

"Clarke, I came here to apologize to you. Stop comforting me," Costia teased again.

"I'm on your side, Costia," Clarke offered softly.

"I know," Costia replied intently. "Even when it hurts you."

Clarke said nothing, she simply looked away.

"Thank you, Clarke," Costia tried, and to her relief Clarke looked at her again. "I want you to know that you mean a lot to me."

As weird as their situation was, they had to face the truth. They were each other's best friend.

"So can we resume our training tomorrow?" Clarke asked hopefully, trying to move on from their intense moment.

"Yes, I'd be happy to," Costia smiled gently.

That was when Abby walked into the room.

"Oh, hey girls," she offered. Costia liked the fact that she was back to being referred to as "girl." When the term included Abby's own daughter Costia knew it was meant with affection. "I'll be right out, Clarke," the mother informed the daughter and walked into a side room.

"I'm going to leave you to it," Costia offered her one last smile and started walking toward the exit.

"Hey, Costia?" Clarke softly called after the departing warrior.

"Yeah?" Costia turned around.

"Do you ever wonder what things would've looked like if you hadn't brought Lexa back?" Clarke inquired sadly, wondering what would become of them now that they had this person between them, wondering what would've become of them if things went differently.

"Every night whether I want to or not," Costia admitted. "That's my most reoccurring nightmare."

"Yeah," Clarke agreed. "Mine, too."

* * *

Costia walked into the Commander's quarters, finding Lexa sitting on the sofa, reading papers.

 _Reports from Octavia,_ Costia assumed.

"My love," Lexa greeted. "Did you manage to find Clarke?" she asked hesitantly. Costia told her about Clarke's avoidance ever since they returned from the mountain. But Lexa was still uncertain every time she mentioned Clarke in a conversation with Costia. The will to be completely honest and open with her lover usually won and forced her to address everything.

"Yeah, we talked. We're okay, I think," Costia offered her a tight smile.

The truth was Clarke and Costia shared the love for the same person. There were some aspects of themselves that they both understood and recognized in each other, but Lexa couldn't, being their subject of affection.

Costia couldn't always explain to Lexa the full extent of her bond with Clarke, but neither could Lexa explain her bond with Clarke, nor could she explain to Clarke the extent of her bond with Costia.

It was all love, in different shapes and forms.

"Are you going to resume your classes?" Lexa inquired worriedly.

Costia flopped herself next to her lover.

"Yes," she confirmed simply, but Lexa's mind was already on something else. She was staring at Costia with a little smile on her face.

"What?" Costia asked in confusion.

"It's still weird," Lexa explained. "You, me, back here in this room together, **really** sharing it, I'm the Commander, you are the **_Fosgona_** , like it used to be."

"Good weird or bad weird?" Costia bit her lip.

"The best sort of weird," Lexa replied with a grin and leaned in, capturing Costia's lips lovingly for a quick peck. For a second she thought Costia would back away, but she didn't, she just stared at Lexa intently once they broke apart and breathed heavily. It was the first time Lexa kissed her since Lexa came back from the dead. The first time in three years that they kissed each other in the real world.

Lexa didn't even think. She was so cautious around Costia on the week since they came back from the mountain, she didn't want to pressure her love. But she didn't even realize what she just did. It felt so natural.

She looked at Costia apologetically, almost panicking. She was about to voice her regret but Costia put a hand on the back of Lexa's neck and pulled her right back in, letting all other thoughts and reservations fly right out the window.

* * *

They exchanged lust-filled glances all day following their midday make out session. When it was time to head to bed Lexa searched Costia's face, asking without words if Costia would like to join her in bed, finally. Costia did, and it felt incredible for Lexa to hold her and kiss the back of her neck like they've done almost every night of their lives together. Lexa knew it was a huge step, and she could see Costia was struggling, so she didn't push for more. Inhaling her lover's scent, trying to make Costia feel safe in a scenario she probably fantasized about for years in captivity just to wake up and see it was a fragment of her imagination, was Lexa's top priority. She didn't need more. She could wait.

Lexa found herself inside the Flame again. She didn't mind as much when she didn't share a room or a bed with Costia, but now when Costia was back and Lexa didn't want to drift away, she huffed in displeasure when she noticed she's in her cabin on the cliff, totally alone. It didn't happen every night anymore, and when it did at least Lexa managed to bring herself out of the Flame right away, but it seemed that every time she went into deep sleep she'd wake up in the Flame, which resulted in a very confusing following morning.

"Don't worry," a voice behind her offered and she realized Becca was in the cabin with her. "You are getting a lot better, and now that you have a real reason to not come here, it'll help a lot."

Lexa was about to reply but something nagged at her. Like a weird feeling climbing up her spine. Something was calling to her. She was needed, and she knew she had to go.

"I…" she started but a second later she found herself in a dark room, **her** dark room, not understanding what was happening until she heard the moans from the woman sleeping in her arms.

"Cos?" she inquired in worry, knowing her lover well enough to know that these weren't the good kind of moans.

Costia was shivering, and sweating, her face twisted in pain.

"Costia? Costia, my love, wake up!" Lexa tried, now more urgently, cupping Costia's face, trying to shake her arm gently.

Costia woke up with a start and moved quickly to the edge of the bed and hugged herself tightly. "Don't touch me," she spat. She tried to catch her breath and then looked up and noticed the shocked expression on Lexa's face.

"Alex," she blurted regretfully.

"It's okay," Lexa soothed and reached an arm for Costia to take whenever she was ready.

Costia hesitated for a second but took the offered hand. A moment later her head was resting in Lexa's lap and she was crying. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. It wasn't like that before." She was so tired of feeling broken.

"Don't be sorry," Lexa caressed Costia's hair softly, trying to keep some contact between them but not make Costia feel trapped. "You held on for so long, you were so strong for so long, let go." When she saw Costia didn't deny her touch she wrapped a tight arm around Costia's hip. "We will be okay, you and I. It'll take some time, but we will. I promise you that, my love."

Costia didn't say a word, she just whimpered.

Lexa moved herself above Costia and laid herself back down right in front of her, both now placed vertically on the bed, knees bent, mirroring each other.

Lexa used her thumb to wipe the tears from Costia's cheek and then leaned in to kiss her forehead.

Shortly after, Costia's cry died down with the exception of the occasional silent tear. Lexa waited it out with her and when she was sure Costia was focused on her and not on whatever it is that she woke up from, Lexa finally spoke.

"Maybe you should have the Flame," she offered cautiously. "It will help, with the PTSD."

Costia seemed surprised. Lexa told her she knew what was going on with her, but it always caught her off guard when Lexa actually used these terms she never knew before. And Costia knew Clarke told Lexa. She was mad at first, but not anymore. She figured it somewhat balanced the scales between her and Clarke. Clarke did it to help her just like Costia hid some truths from Clarke to protect her. And either way, Costia couldn't have hidden the truth forever. She technically couldn't.

Costia bit her lip and shook her head no.

"Cos…" Lexa tried. She knew her love would object, but she wanted to have a real conversation about this. Things were changing all around them. And what if Costia took the Flame and it helped her? Lexa could do without it, no one had to know.

"I don't know if you'd stay alive if we take it out of you," Costia admitted simply. "Becca isn't sure, either. I asked her before. You can ask her as well but I suspect that if she had a definitive answer she would've told you by now."

That silenced Lexa. She didn't mind dying for Costia, but she was the Commander, she couldn't think like that. And she knew just how heartbreaking it would be all over again for all of them, after everything they've been through. She didn't want to leave Costia's side again, and she was wondering if that made her selfish.

Costia recognized Lexa's struggle for what it was. "It's alright Alex," she comforted.

"No, it's not," Lexa objected. There had to be a way. She couldn't let Costia live in constant hell knowing that she could do something to stop it.

"Okay, it's not," Costia admitted matter-of-factly. "But it will be. We killed friends who were like family to us when we were fifteen. You fought in battles since you were a child. Your parents died, my parents died. Aden. We always manage. We'll manage now, too," she concluded sincerely. She knew she'd have to talk herself into doing some things sometimes, but it was just another battle, and battling was her specialty, as long as she had a good cause, and her good cause was now staring at her in a combination of love and worry.

"I am here for you," Lexa stated, taking Costia's hand and bringing it to her own chest, to rest on her heart.

"I know," Costia assured.

"I love you with all my heart," Lexa had to say. Costia was like an open wound, anything could get in and infect it. If something had to get in, Lexa wanted it to be these words.

Costia swallowed hard and nodded. "I sometimes wonder what my mother would think of what I've become," she confessed quietly.

"She'd be proud of you," Lexa stated confidently. "You spent your whole life trying to live by a code she instilled in you when you weren't even six. **I'm** proud of you, for what it's worth."

"It's worth everything," Costia smiled softly. She could tell then there was something Lexa wasn't saying. "What is it, Lex? You can tell me."

Lexa hesitated, but it was incredibly important to her that nothing will be left unsaid. They had enough hardships to encounter. She didn't want unspoken truths to be added to that.

"You were always hiding something, Costia, even from me. You were mainly hiding yourself. If we're going to do this…"

"I have nothing to hide from you anymore. I didn't want to hide anything from you in the first place," Costia reminded. Every time she kept something from Lexa it seemed like there was a practical reason behind it. But there were no secrets left.

"I know, there were always reasons," Lexa agreed simply. It's been years since she was upset with Costia for hiding something. "But going forward, **if** something comes up…"

"I swear, I will never keep anything from you ever again," Costia vowed.

"Good," Lexa smiled happily and after a quick check of Costia's expression she gave her a quick kiss.

"In the spirit of honesty you need to know that I burned one of your shirts once," Costia declared in seriousness.

"Costia!" Lexa laughed, a real, actual laugh. "Is it the one I've been looking for for weeks when we were sixteen?"

"It was atrocious, Alex," Costia defended adorably.

They stared at each other and chuckled.

"But seriously," Costia started again, "you need to stop feeling guilty for decisions I make for myself."

"I don't…" Lexa tried to object.

"Alex, come on. Coming to Polis in the first place, going to see the Ice Queen, coming back here to be **_Heda_**. These were all my choices, not yours. I fulfilled my duty just like you do," she explained simply.

"Well then you need to stop trying to do everything on your own!" Lexa growled in frustration. "Things always went to shit when you were doing things alone, and together we were unstoppable!"

"When did I ever try to do something on my own?" Costia asked, dumbfounded.

"Really, Costia?" But when her lover seemed completely clueless Lexa realized it may have never occurred to Costia that this was her biggest fault. "Let's see. Carrying the secret of being a Nightblood, leading us to a very unfortunate first kiss," she listed.

"Well, the kiss itself wasn't unfortunate at all, it was the aftermath that…"

"Be quiet!" Lexa ordered and kept going. "Deciding on your own that you'd die in the conclave for me, forcing me to improvise a way to save both our lives in the very last moment, going to see Nia!"

"You can't list it because I already listed it under "things that were Costia's decision,"" Costia preached. "And I will not apologize for that. It was better me than you."

"It could've been neither of us," Lexa glared at her.

"And how many more years of bloodshed?" Costia offered but she could tell this was one battle that she was losing. At least it was to the only person she never minded losing to. She sighed. "You are right," she admitted quietly. "I'm sorry. But I am getting better at letting others help," she pointed out.

"Are you?"

"Yes. Clarke has been my advisor, Abby and Raven helped with bringing you back. All those volunteers who risked their lives for me, I'm getting better," she swore. "Maybe I was preparing myself for your return, subconsciously."

Lexa realized something then and there. She always had Costia to turn to for help. Costia didn't have **her**. Especially since they reunited in the Flame. Costia could pick Lexa's brain for ideas, but it wasn't the same. Lexa wasn't constantly present like Costia used to be for her. Physically present. Costia was out in the world dealing with everything and she compensated with so many other people. She learned to ask for help. She had to. She didn't have that one person who was always there.

"You were gone a long time, and then I was gone a long time," Lexa pointed out sadly. "And we forgot how we used to do this. But we're both here now. We don't need to go through things alone and we don't need to go seek help elsewhere." She wrapped her arm around Costia's hip, bringing her in, taking in her scent. "And I swear, Cos, it feels so good."

* * *

Notes:

I felt like this chapter really showed where the dynamics stand now and moving forward. It also gave us (and Lexa) a bigger look into what's happening with Costia and what she was going to be needing from the people around her.


	72. De Seken Chapter 70

**Chapter 70**

 _One Week Later…_

They were lying naked in bed, the rain was tapping on the walls. Presumably, acid rain. They didn't care. Their current situation made the nuclear apocalypse feel almost cozy.

The streets of the city were shadowed by protective sheets. When the sun was coming down it was clear that it was about to be a rainy night and everyone lent a hand in their respective living areas to cover the streets before nightfall.

Lexa and Costia were high up in the tower, way above the sheets. But as the windows were shut, and the gaps under the balcony door and the quarters' door were sealed with the same material the sheets were made of, they didn't need to worry about masks.

Once they realized they were under a bit of a lockdown and Lexa was sending sultry looks in Costia's direction, the young warrior couldn't deny the advances anymore. She gave up and gave in and they made love and even though for them it happened multiple times before in the previous months, nothing compared to knowing this wasn't just their brain that was partaking in the wonderful act, it was their bodies, too.

And Costia was glad that she finally took that last step, because while words could be deceiving, the way Lexa touched her, the way Lexa's body reacted to her own touch, could not tell a lie.

Which made the afterglow all the better.

A thunder was heard and Lexa sighed in content.

Costia scanned her face, the candle light flickering on it. Lexa seemed so peaceful. There may have been a storm happening outside their walls but **they** have braved the storm. It seemed like they have figured out surviving and they came out on the other side, now enjoying what life had to offer. What **they** had to offer to each other.

It's been a long while since either spoke, and neither was particularly bothered by that fact.

And Costia enjoyed simply relishing in Lexa's face, her favorite face. This felt so much like it used to, that Costia had to mentally remind herself that the last three years of her life weren't a nightmare she woke up from to find herself in bed with Lexa, but they happened, and they shifted many things.

 _But I guess not this, after all,_ she hummed in content. Making her lover open her eyes.

"What?" Lexa inquired, smiling softly, seeming ready to fall into a deep, comfortable slumber, one that she suspected won't make her drift into the Flame, not tonight.

"Thank you for being patient with me," Costia provided lovingly. "I know it's been two weeks since we returned from the mountain, and I know you've wanted this a while longer than that," she added apologetically.

"Cos, it's fine," Lexa brushed off and put a hand on Costia's cheek, starting to caress it.

"I'm sorry," Costia insisted. She **was** sorry. In a sense she was ashamed of not giving Lexa what she wanted much sooner.

"Don't be," Lexa all but ordered. "I wouldn't have wanted you to do something you didn't want to do or wasn't ready to do," she clarified with conviction. "I wouldn't have wanted you to feel pressured. Wait, you didn't feel pressured, did you?" She suddenly panicked.

"No, no, Alex, I wanted this, I promise. God, I wanted this for weeks," Costia chuckled and Lexa's features visibly relaxed.

"Good," she commented with a light smile.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Costia started, unsure.

"You can ask me anything," Lexa promised, somewhat worried by the guilty look on Costia's face.

Costia bit her lip but finally dared to speak. "You knew I stopped visiting you inside the Flame every night."

"Yes," Lexa confirmed, laughing on the inside, thinking that this wasn't exactly a question.

"I'm sorry. I told you that I would and then I didn't," Costia looked away.

"I'm not upset," Lexa clarified, using her hand on Costia's cheek to make sure Costia looked at her again. "I wasn't upset then, either. Not really, just worried," she explained.

 _You were never meant to worry because you weren't supposed to know,_ Costia thought.

"How did you find out, though?" she voiced the actual question. "Did you ask Becca?"

"Becca was just the confirmation. I…" Lexa hesitated. "I developed a system," she provided sheepishly.

"A system? What sort of a system?" Costia asked, now seeming intrigued.

"I developed a daily routine that mostly revolved around a lot of reading, so by the time you showed up every night I realized I was reading a similar average of pages since the last time you showed up. And then that number started to increase and I knew you skipped some nights," she explained matter-of-factly.

Costia looked right at her, her expression not revealing what she was thinking.

"Is that silly?" Lexa asked, scrunching her eyebrows.

"No, Alex, no," Costia chuckled when she realized her lack of response was perceived as a negative response. Except that Costia didn't respond because she was too busy being dumbfounded and staring at Lexa in disbelief. "It's actually so incredibly smart," she added. "God, I love your brain," she leaned in and pecked Lexa's lips.

"And I love yours," Lexa noted in relief once their lips were apart again.

"Even in its traumatized, wouldn't-listen-to-reason, causing-constant-insecurity state?" Costia raised a challenging eyebrow. Nowadays her brain mostly betrayed her.

Lexa couldn't help but smile.

"Yes," she confirmed without hesitation, "even so."

* * *

"And if anything, last night proved to us that we are ready for what's to come," Lexa pointed out to her ambassadors. "We have more work to do, but we saw an increase in acid storms, and the damage has been minimal thanks to the steps we took following Octavia's plan," she gestured at the mentioned woman who nodded in gratitude.

 _The gratitude should be all mine,_ Lexa thought, _and to think I almost had her killed once._ _If it wasn't for Clarke…_

She couldn't help but notice that when she made choices based on consultation from the women she loved, the results were positive more often than not.

"There were a few incidents, there's room for improvement, but we have a few weeks before we reach the end of our time frame. These mishaps will help us adjust, and rest assured…"

She stopped mid sentence, staring forward.

Costia followed her eyes, but there was nothing there.

"Commander?" she inquired in worry.

"I've seen this before," Clarke noted quietly, so only Costia would hear. "This is what you looked like when you mentally went to your happy place."

"You mean the Flame?" Costia snorted.

"Yeah," Clarke confirmed, knowing that they've lost Lexa for a while.

"Someone must have called her," Costia realized. "Did I really look like that? That's kind of silly," she pointed out matter-of-factly, earning herself a warm smile from Clarke.

The ambassadors watched Lexa intently. They've never seen this happen before and in a way it reinforced Lexa's position as the person chosen by the Flame.

"Should we send the ambassadors away?" Titus asked Costia and Clarke.

 _Oh, how the tables have turned,_ Costia chuckled internally. He was now seeking both hers and Clarke's permission to do things.

"No," she replied with certainty.

"Let them see," Clarke added and exchanged looks with Costia. They understood each other well.

A few moments later, Lexa blinked, shook her head and looked around.

"Apologies, ambassadors, I was summoned by **_Bekka Pramheda ,"_** she explained.

 _Becca is not one for summoning,_ Costia snorted quietly. _She's one for polite asking. The show we need to put on for these people._ She shook her head subtly.

"I am afraid we have to cut this meeting short," Lexa announced regretfully. "There's a matter I need to address with my advisors. We will reconvene later on." she nodded and they knew they were dismissed.

Once the room was cleared, only her, Costia, Clarke and Titus remained.

"What is it, Alex?" Costia demanded, official titles dropped now that only Titus and Clarke were present.

"I have some bad news," Lexa admitted.

"More bad news?" Costia huffed. "God, just kill me already."

Lexa glared at her.

"Kidding," Costia backtracked. "It was a joke. No one is dying."

Lexa took a breath.

"When you connected to the Flame manually to bring me back, it was connected to the rest of the world again in the same manner that ALIE used to be," Lexa explained. "Becca used this opportunity to get updated information about the power plants. It gave her a chance to run simulations on all of them, get a more current risk assessment."

"Okay, then what is it? Do we have less time than we thought?" Costia inquired.

"That's not ideal, but we can handle that, we're basically ready," Clarke pointed out, completing Costia's thought.

"It's not that," Lexa shook her head sadly. "The plants were supposed to burn down, slowly, but completely. We were supposed to experience worldwide aftermath, but those plants were meant to be gone."

"Were?" Titus voiced the question all three of them feared.

"One of the plants had a different layout than most. The whole place operates on nuclear energy. If the fire hits the power source…"

"The whole damn thing will explode," Costia realized in horror. Titus stared at her, his face white as a ghost.

"Based on the worry on your face I'm assuming that explosion is not good for us?" Clarke questioned Lexa coldly.

"It will wipe us out," Lexa admitted quietly. "Most of us the moment it happens, probably, the rest would die in the following months. Very few would survive this, if any at all," she concluded, full of sorrow.

"Like Hiroshima and Nagasaki," Costia looked down in sad realization. Titus didn't know what she was referring to, but Clarke did, and nowadays so did Lexa.

"Yes," Lexa confirmed. "Exactly like that. Possibly even worse."

"So this is it?" Clarke demanded in anger. "After everything we've been through, the preparations, the gene therapy? This is how we go out?"

She was mad. She thought it was all unfair. They had **just** won this battle. They couldn't even finish the meeting with the ambassadors to tell them things were looking up before another disaster hit. She couldn't imagine there was anything they could do about a pending explosion.

"It's not "it,"" Lexa started pacing.

"What is it?" Costia investigated, hopeful. "Did she give you useful information? Can we stop this?"

"The problem is the plant's power source. If the power source is shut down…"

"The fire can't get to it," Clarke realized. "How do we shut it down?"

Lexa couldn't believe the words she was about to say. "There's a kill switch."

"Of course," Costia threw her hands in the air. "There's always a goddamn kill switch."

"Then…" Titus was trying to catch up. "Are you saying this can be prevented, but that someone needs to go there?"

"Yes," Lexa confirmed.

Costia sighed. Lexa heard her and turned to look at her so quickly it was a miracle her head didn't fall off her neck. She knew what was coming before Costia even spoke up.

"I'll go," her lover very predictably provided.

"No," Lexa objected.

"I am immune, even without the Nightbood. I understand these concepts, I can defend myself," Costia argued. These were the sort of things she was good at.

"I already said no once," Lexa pointed out warningly.

"Alexandra," Costia stood her ground, refusing to give up.

"Leave us," Lexa ordered, knowing a fight was brewing. It pained her to acknowledge how familiar the picture was. This is exactly what happened before Costia went to see Nia. Except the resemblance stopped there because Costia would not play along, not caring at the least that she was challenging her leader in front of other people.

"No, **don't** leave us," Costia threatened, making Clarke and Titus stop in their tracks. They didn't know who to listen to. Lexa was the obvious choice, but Costia, too, was their leader, maybe not anymore, but they owed her, and they still felt loyalty to her, as well.

The two women were staring at each other angrily.

"Face it, Alex, who else could you send?" Costia challenged.

"I've let you convince me to let you go the last time and you died," Lexa reminded.

"Except I didn't," Costia reminded, too.

"To me you did," Lexa stated brokenly. "And I am not going through it, ever again. No more suicide missions for you," she concluded.

"This is not a decision you can make," Costia refused to accept the verdict.

"Yes, I can, and I am," Lexa took a step closer, letting Costia know that the conversation was over.

" **I** should go," Clarke offered quietly.

"No!" the two other women denied in unison.

"Kill switches are my expertise," Clarke pointed out, she was trying to lighten the mood, it didn't work because her offer was sincere.

"If anything," Titus intervened, "I should go. I'm an old man. I owe my life to you all. I have nothing more to lose. Let me serve, one last time."

"No offense," Costia rolled her eyes, "but like you said, you're an old man. You might not even make it…"

"I am more than capable…" he argued but his sentence was cut off quickly, as well.

"And how will you get there?" Clarke scoffed, looking at Costia. "You can't drive. I don't think we can waste any more time on journeys by foot."

" ** _Heda_**?" Titus turned to Lexa. There were pros and cons to either choice, and at the end of the day, it wasn't their choice to make.

"I will not make this decision right now," she provided flatly. When the options were either of the women she loved or the man who she knew was speaking out of guilt of what he did to her, she didn't particularly support either option.

"We don't have much time," Titus reminded cautiously.

"Oh, trust me, I am well aware," she replied angrily. "We will meet in the lab in an hour, we will consult Abby and Raven, and then we'll decide."

She started to walk toward the exit and the three were quick to follow her, all saying her name at the same time.

She halted sharply. "In an hour. Until then, I don't want to see either of you."

* * *

"So it has to be someone who can drive?" Raven asked the flustered Commander in front of her.

"No," Lexa stated simply. Abby was staring at the entire exchange, trying to understand exactly what they had to do.

"But you still want me to prepare a car?" Raven scratched her forehead in confusion.

"Yes."

Just as Raven was about to ask another question Clarke, Costia and Octavia walked into the room, all seeming to be arguing.

"I am good at flipping switches, it's as simples as that!" Clarke reminded, making Costia snort.

"You mean you're good at finding yourself in unfortunate circumstances that force you to flip switches?" Costia rolled her eyes.

Lexa took a deep breath and tried to remind herself that if the tables were turned she would have probably fought to go, too.

"What is the meaning of this?" she demanded calmly, refusing to let any of it get to her. The decision had to be made, and soon.

"I want to go," Octavia explained simply.

"Octavia…" Costia warned. "You are not even supposed to know about this," she glared at Clarke.

"Commander," Octavia turned to Lexa, "Look outside. Look at the sheets covering the city, the water reservoirs in all the clans' territories, the stocked bunkers, the masks, and bottles," she listed "I tested all of these materials, **I** did this. It was **my** plan. I need to see this through. Whomever goes to that plant will need some of the things **I** worked on. Clarke and Indra will remain here to speak for **_skaikru_**. My blood has probably changed already, and we can make me a suit using the material the sheets are made of," she concluded, seeming absolutely determined.

"Well if Octavia can just waltz in here with this very convincing logic, we need to see if anyone else wants to volunteer," Costia pointed out, hoping it'll make Octavia back off. It didn't.

"There's no time," Octavia argued. "Costia, this is the kind of person I want to be. The person who'd volunteer to do this. You gave me an opportunity to grow, I learned so much about what I can offer, and this is something I want to offer," she vowed.

 _This is something Lincoln would've been proud of,_ she thought.

"You said your blood probably changed already," Lexa started, "that's not entirely reassuring or accurate."

"The Commander is right," Abby confirmed. "If you go, you'll have to inject yourself for the rest of the way. That's three injections a day, every day for a week. You'll be done by the time you get there, but you can't skip any injection," she warned.

"We can inject each other," Raven cleared her throat. "It'll be very romantic."

"Raven?" Clarke stared at her with mouth agape. She told Octavia about what was happening as part of her venting and it totally backfired. And now Raven?

"Oh, I'm not letting this one go on her own," Raven scoffed. "What if something doesn't work out? What if you need, you know, a mechanic? This is machinery we're talking about after all," she pointed out.

"Raven is our only mechanic," Clarke objected. "If I can't go, there's no way you'd let our only mechanic go," Clarke challenged Lexa.

"Clarke does have a point," Costia added. "You are not exactly disposable."

"Traitor," Raven glared. "You are supposed to be on my side, C."

"Yeah, your side wants you to stay alive," Costia rolled her eyes.

"Open your eyes!" Raven raised her voice but then turned to the only person whose opinion mattered. "Commander, with respect, no one in this room is disposable. Clarke may be good at flipping switches, but I think we all know I'm good at finding them."

"Okay, that's a good point, too," Costia tapped her lips in consideration.

"Costia!" Clarke scolded.

"What! Finding switches is way harder than flipping switches, Clarke!" Costia threw her hands in the air.

"Enough!" Lexa silenced the room. "Raven of the sky people, you want to do this? You truly want this?"

"I do, Commander."

"Then I'll grant you your wish, both of you," she looked at Octavia, "and pray for your safe return."

She turned to exit the room. She had nothing left to do. It was up to Abby and Raven now to make the preparations and Lexa refused to spend her day listening to bickering and whining.

She existed through the door and it was very clear that someone followed her. At first she thought it was Costia, but Costia knew this wasn't a good time to pursue the subject even more.

"So this is how it goes?" Clarke called behind her, angry.

"Yes," Lexa replied simply, turning around to face the upset woman.

"Why?" Clarke demanded.

"Because I already sent someone I cared about to her death once. Unless I actually have to, I have no intention of doing that, ever again," she explained.

That silenced Clarke. There was nothing at all that she could say and letting the moment linger would just hurt the both of them. So she turned around and walked away.

Lexa followed her disappear down the hall and sighed.

She knew it may have been somewhat selfish, but unlike Nia, who expected a leader and got Costia as a consolation prize, this time it really didn't have to be either of her loves. She could also tell that both Octavia and Raven needed this. Octavia possibly for some sort of redemption, for some sort of transformation. Raven, she wasn't sure.

 _Maybe just to prove to herself that she can?_ Lexa wondered, thinking about Raven's leg. _Maybe so she could feel useful? She helped bringing me back from the dead, how more useful does she think one person can be?_

It wasn't for Lexa to judge either woman. She had dealt with demons for a long time, she knew what it felt like to battle them, and she knew what it felt like to come out victorious on that other side. If she could grant that to two women she grew to respect and value and at the same time spare the lives of her loved ones, she was going to do just that.

* * *

"Good, you are here. I haven't seen you since the lab this morning," Lexa sighed in relief the moment Costia walked into their quarters. She was sitting by the lit fireplace.

Her lover now leaned on the shut door, clearly contemplating whether to step deeper into the room or not.

"I got the feeling you didn't exactly want to see me. Something about you saying that you don't want to see me," Costia reminded. "Should I go?"

"No, don't be silly, I just told you I'm glad you are here," Lexa smiled softly. "This is your room, too, and I've been waiting for you."

Costia looked at her, skeptical. It made Lexa feel guilty.

 _Good job, Lexa. This is not the time to make this woman feel unwanted, not when she's already struggling with actually believing that you truly want her._

"I'm sorry about this morning," Costia offered gently. She felt like she was being too stubborn.

"No, I am," Lexa objected. "I pushed you away instead of talking to you." She had time to think and she really didn't want Costia to think this was on her. It was, partially, but Lexa knew she could've handled the whole situation better. It was one of those moments of being a Commander first and Costia's lover second. She also needed Costia to be the person who challenged her. If Costia would second guess herself every time they disagreed, it wouldn't be good for either of them.

Costia bit her lip, not sure what to say. She realized a few days back that when Lexa told her things were a certain way, she'd just have to convince herself it was so, until she'd stop doubting altogether, sometime in the future.

Lexa smiled, guessing what was going on in her lover's head. She picked up the poker that's been laying by the fireplace and put it inside the flames for a few moments. She then took her shirt off, took the poker out of the flames, and put it to her upper right arm, hissing in pain the moment the hot metal met her flesh.

"Alex, what are you doing?" Costia asked in panic, rushing to her lover's side. But Lexa only needed a few seconds and by the time Costia got to her, the poker was gone and Costia saw exactly what Lexa did.

She put the poker to her promising tattoo exactly where Costia's own tattoo was damaged by Ontari.

Costia stared at her in shock, completely frozen, unable to form words.

 _That's a first,_ Lexa smirked through the pain. It didn't matter. She didn't want Costia to ever be able to say their decision to be together forever was made when they were too young to know any better.

Costia swallowed hard, seeing the absolute devoted look Lexa was giving her.

"There," Lexa offered simply. "Now they match again."

* * *

Notes:

1\. _"A_ _nd to think I almost had her killed once."_ Episode 2X14.

2\. "This is exactly what happened before Costia went to see Nia." No wonder this felt so familiar to Lexa. This is almost an exact replica of the conversation they had before Costia went to see Nia, many eons ago, in volume 1, chapter 37.

3\. Weirdly enough, I realized I never mentioned the fireplace before which made me wonder as I wrote this if its existence would even make sense because clearly, I needed it for an important moment. Then I decided that I'd be very surprise if there wasn't a fireplace in those quarters all along :D

4\. Lexa and the poker-to-tattoo thing: that moment was so important. Costia kept bringing up the fact that they made a decision, a commitment to one another, at a young age. Lexa wanted to silence that worry once and for all and in a way she did something that feels like a renewal of vows. I think it's one of my favorite moments in the entire story.

5\. I fought with myself long and hard when I was breaking things down for the story, on whether have Ontari leave Costia's tattoo untouched as some sort of a cruel joke to remind Costia of what she'd lost, or have Ontari harm it to create the moment between Costia and Lexa here. I really did want both things. I wanted the cruel joke on behalf of Ontari, and I wanted the moment with Lexa. Only at a relatively later stage of the writing process (as in – most of volume 1 was already posted online,) and after I already came to terms with leaving Costia's tattoo totally intact as Ontari's cruel reminder, I decided to have Ontari **partially** harm it. Just enough to leave it as a painful reminder because it was mostly whole, but also enough to enable Lexa's gesture. I know it's cheating but what can I say? I want it all.


	73. De Seken Epilogue

**Epilogue**

 _Two Weeks Later…_

Costia was twisting and turning in her sleep. Moments later she woke up with a start and gasped. She wasn't sure she woke Lexa up as well, but the arm around her held her tighter, as if Lexa was subconsciously saying "you are safe, I've got you." Costia had to admit that the more she fell asleep in Lexa's arms, the better she was starting to get. It was an excruciatingly slow process, she'd still wake up multiple times every night, sweating, sometimes delirious, but it seemed like her brain was starting to catch up with the reality – she was safe. Or as safe as one could be in a world like theirs, with a looming disaster fast approaching.

She sighed, trying to catch her breath. When her heart rate seemed to have stabilized she swallowed hard.

 _You are fine, you are okay,_ she repeated like a mantra.

A surprising knock was heard, making Costia jump, throwing her heart rate into frenzy all over again.

She untangled herself from Lexa's arms, fighting the urge to grab her Bo, telling herself that an enemy wouldn't have knocked, or managed to sneak past her guards for that matter.

"Robe," Lexa mumbled before Costia had the chance to take more than two steps toward the door.

Costia had to smile at that. She naturally resumed the role of the buffer between whichever news were waiting outside their door, and her sleeping lover.

Just like Lexa naturally resumed the role of reminding Costia she wasn't wearing any clothes.

Costia finally reached the door and found Clarke on the other side of it.

"Clarke," she voiced, confused.

Clarke on her part was also not prepared to see Costia appear in Lexa's door, very clearly naked under the robe.

Clarke cleared her throat. "Costia, I'm sorry to come here so late," she started, masking her momentary surprise.

"It's alright, Clarke, what is it?" Costia soothed, but her face showed growing concern.

"Octavia and Raven are back," Clarke provided matter-of-factly.

"They are?" Costia inquired. She wasn't sure what to think. A part of her expected to never see them again, but she also knew that had they failed, the rest of them would've probably be dead by now because failing would've probably resulted in a huge explosion.

"They are," Clarke confirmed. "And they're fine. They're at the infirmary. I sent a guard to wake up my mother to look at them and came straight here, so we didn't get to talk much," Clarke explained apologetically, "but the first thing they said was that they succeeded."

They looked at each other, both very clearly relived even though the naturally skeptical women still couldn't accept that it was all finally over.

"It's over?" Costia voiced the problematic question. She had to hear the words.

Clarke understood, and she was happy to provide some comfort, some final assurance. "It's over," she confirmed, allowing herself a cautious, yet radiant smile.

"I'll wake her up," Costia decided. "It's not too often that she gets to wake up in the middle of the night for good news."

"I'll head to the lab," Clarke nodded as she departed.

Costia shut the door behind her. Her eyes widened as the realization hit her. It was really over. Ever since she came back to Polis, and then with Lexa being back, and convincing Costia to return to Polis once more, Costia waited for the other shoe to drop. But it wasn't going to. At least for now, at least for the foreseeable future, they were fine.

"Alex," she said quietly, but Lexa didn't respond. "Alex," Costia tried again, a bit louder this time, but it was very clear that once Costia left their bed Lexa fell right back into a deep sleep.

Costia sat herself down on the mattress next to her lover and started shaking Lexa's arm softly.

Lexa jumped sharply and stood herself by the bed.

"Alex what the…"

"Sorry, I'm sorry," Lexa provided quickly, sitting herself in front of Costia and cupping her face. It was very clear that she scared the other woman.

"What was that all about?" Costia demanded in concern.

Lexa took a deep breath, deliberating whether to answer the question or not. She decided once again that honesty was the most important thing between them. "You're not the only one who's been traumatized, Cos," she provided brokenly. "I'm not doing very well with waking up in the middle of the night since…"

But she didn't finish the sentence, she didn't have to. Costia's eyes bored into her, as if she was realizing something for the first time. As if she was seeing that absolutely broken part of Lexa for the first time.

She leaned in to kiss Lexa softly, making the decision to discuss this with Lexa later on. They never really talked about what losing each other meant to them. They tried to focus on the fact that they had each other again, on surviving, but they never had the chance to grieve, together, for all that they had lost.

 _There will be time,_ Costia thought.

"I'm sorry I gave you such a scare," she apologized, taking Lexa's hand in hers, squeezing it. "It's not bad news, actually. Octavia and Raven are back, they did it, Alex. It's over."

Lexa looked at her in shock, trying to process the words.

Then she started to laugh. Sweet, hearty laughter that made Costia's heart flutter as she smiled at the joyful sight in front of her.

"We're not all doomed, then," Lexa announced in excitement.

"No," Costia agreed. "We're not. Not today, anyway. Probably not tomorrow, either."

* * *

 _One Week Later…_

"You are getting so much better, Clarke," Costia offered excitedly, stretching her arm to help Clarke up.

"When you say that right after you knocked me off my feet for the millionth time I can't tell if it's an actual compliment, or it's you mocking me," Clarke huffed, rubbing her butt.

"I mean it, Clarke. Your stance is better, you don't leave many openings for attack, considering we haven't been doing this for this long we are really getting somewhere."

"Thanks?" Clarke tried.

"And once Octavia is out of the infirmary I think you're finally going to get a training partner," Costia provided with glee. "You two will make each other so much better. I promise, in a few months from now you will be amazed by your level of skill. A solid training partner makes a lot of difference."

"I hope that happens soon," Clarke's face darkened.

Raven and Octavia came back from their mission victorious. But Raven's good leg suffered from burns and Octavia broke her right forearm. They were both doing much better, but Abby insisted on keeping them in the infirmary to make sure they were taken care of, and to also monitor their vitals after they've been exposed to massive radiation so soon after they finished the gene therapy.

Both young women were going stir crazy.

"Help," Octavia told Clarke and Costia when they visited the infirmary a few days prior. "This is way worse than going on a suicide mission," she vowed.

"I helped you resurrect your dead lover," Raven reminded Costia. "You owe me."

Costia huffed at the memory. Raven's logic was hard to argue with.

She looked at Clarke and spun her Bo intimidatingly. "One more time?" she asked the novice warrior.

"Yeah, one last time for today," Clarke agreed. She was sore all over and they weren't even done with class.

She brought herself to her starting stance and defended herself based on Costia's instructions as best as she could. Moments later, and just as Lexa was approaching the grounds, she found herself on her ass once more.

"That's very impressive," Lexa teased just as Costia offered Clarke a hand.

Clarke growled, but Costia, on her part, was ready to leave and take a shower.

"Don't worry, you're up next," she reminded Lexa with a smirk as she started walking toward the tower. They've waited a long time to train together again, but now they were finally ready and they were going to, later that afternoon.

"I'm looking forward to it," Lexa returned the smirk. "But I'm taking you out to the woods, just you and me," she added quietly, making sure only Costia heard.

Costia chuckled lightly and left the other two women behind.

"She's impossible," Clarke ranted. "How did you ever handle her?"

"I didn't," Lexa snorted. "She almost always won."

* * *

 _One Week later…_

Costia walked into their quarters and found her lover standing on the balcony, staring at the distance.

She joined Lexa, wrapping her arms around her lover's waist from behind, letting Lexa melt into the touch.

"Look at you all calm and contemplative," Costia chuckled softly, letting her laughter vibrate on Lexa's back.

Lexa loved that feeling more than words could describe.

"You know what day is today?" Lexa questioned.

"I think I do. But I get the feeling you want to tell me," Costia smiled.

"It's the six months mark. It's the day we were all supposed to be dead by," Lexa shared with Costia what Costia already knew. "But instead we're still here."

"We are," Costia agreed and turned Lexa around. She wanted to see her eyes. She had a feeling they sparkled. She was right. "You are so beautiful," she couldn't help herself. She had to say the words.

"And so are you, and so is this night," Lexa gestured behind her, and she was right. For doomsday, the skies were awfully clear. The city spent the entire day uncovered, the temperatures were higher, they knew, but their blood made it tolerable. It was all unexpectedly peaceful. It didn't mean tomorrow wouldn't bring a massive acid storm with it, soon the residents will pull the sheets out, just in case, but for the evening time, for right now, things were looking up.

"This is sort of how things looked like in my head on those long nights in **_Azgeda_** when I used to fantasize about coming home to you," Costia confessed quietly, looking straight into Lexa's eyes. "Being here, in this room again, on this balcony, together. Some days I still can't believe it's actually real," her voice broke.

"Neither can I," Lexa admitted and put her hand up to caress Costia's cheek. She never thought people like her could have a happy ending, and she still didn't quite believe she'd have one, but she'd take a happy middle, a happy some-of-the-time. That could be enough.

"It's been a while since you've written me a poem, **_Kostia kom okro_** ," Lexa pointed out. "Maybe you don't love me as much anymore," she teased.

"Or maybe I love you in a way words can't capture," Costia quirked an eyebrow. "And I mean, we did just survive the rapture."

"Here it is," Lexa snorted.

"But give me time, I haven't done this in ages."

"Okay."

"Just like healing, it's a process, there are different stages," Costia preached. "But since, apparently, tomorrow **will** arrive, and it seems that we're destined to survive."

"Seems like," Lexa agreed.

"I'll have to go back to this years'-long tradition," Costia proposed.

"Yes, please do, I missed it," Lexa commented.

"And making you happy was always my first mission."

"I know," Lexa admitted lovingly.

"Then I promise to you, poems you shall have," Costia vowed.

"Good," Lexa smirked.

"You didn't have to do much to make me cave," Costia concluded, making Lexa burst into laughter.

"I love you," she offered softly.

"Even when I'm silly?" Costia challenged.

"Especially when you're silly," Lexa stated. She turned around in Costia's arms, sighing in content.

They looked down at the busy city to see that indeed, people started to pull out the protective sheets, food from the markets was transferred to a secured area, everyone played their part. Their six months were up, but their time wasn't. There may have been more work to do, but they were alive to do it. They could finally dare to think about the future and the changes it brought with it, the possibilities.

"I don't think we can keep doing the conclaves like we used to, Alex," Costia quietly voiced her thoughts. She acknowledged that notion a while ago, but there were other things to face and no immediate reason to consider the Nightbloods.

"I know," Lexa agreed in a steady voice.

"The entire political system needs to be reevaluated, knowing what we know about the Flame now, the blood..."

"I know," Lexa repeated, not in agitation, simply in acceptance.

"What do you want to do, then?" Costia inquired cautiously, softly.

"I don't know," Lexa admitted. "Let's brave this storm first," she replied, looking at the sky, seeing the dark clouds that now appeared in the far distance, moving slowly toward them.

 _Acid rain?_ Costia wondered and assumed the people below will be putting their masks on before they headed to bed.

Lexa turned in her arms to look at her again.

"What do **you** think I should do?" she asked gently, seeking the counsel of the person she trusted the most.

"I have no clue," Costia admitted sheepishly and kissed Lexa's cheek. "But hey, you will figure it out," she promised, looking straight into Lexa's eyes. "After all, your fight is just beginning."

 **The End**

* * *

Notes:

1\. "She naturally resumed the role of the buffer between whichever news were waiting outside their door, and her sleeping lover." This little throwback takes us to the somewhat simpler days of volume 1, chapter 32. There was coziness in recreating that, and clearly, Costia thought so, too.

2\. "I'm not doing very well with waking up in the middle of the night since…" We've explored Costia's traumatized state but we never really talked about the aftermath and the effects it had on Lexa because some of it was in the gap between volume 1 and volume 2, i.e. canon. But imagine getting a call in the middle of the night with the news that a loved one had died. It happened to me, and ever since that, years ago, if I get a call at night I freak out. Lexa had that happen to her. She was woken up in the middle of the night to be notified that Costia was dead, to receive Costia's head in a box. It made every bit of sense to me that it would be a scarring experience for her.

3\. "We're not. Not today, anyway. Probably not tomorrow, either." Costia's response here mirrors somewhat Clarke's response from chapter 64 which I really liked doing because for me it was another tiny way in which they're alike.

4\. I couldn't go out without a final _Hamilton_ reference, now could I?

5\. The poem: I felt like Costia's poems belong to a time of their lives when things were a bit more innocent and optimistic. We haven't seen a poem in a long time because suddenly our two best friends, then novitiates, turned into a Commander and a **_Fosgona_**. So bringing a poem into the mix in this chapter was also a way of coming full circle, of bringing them to a more optimistic place. A lighthearted place that they've really lost at the end of volume 1 and struggled with re-finding throughout volume 2. I also wanted Lexa to call Costia **_Kostia kom okru_** one last time. She already used "second half" for the last time a couple of chapters ago.

6\. This final sentence was one of the first things I've written for this story.


	74. De Seken Conclusion

A few general notes before I sum things up.

First and foremost and for full disclosure, for those who suffered through 72 chapters without ever knowing what **_De Seken_** means, it's my duty to inform you that it is, in fact, "The Second" in **_Trigedasleng._**

Secondly, I wanted to explain the covers of the two volumes and how the complement each other. Volume 1 shows us Polis from the outside looking in. Costia was always that person who was sort of on the outside looking in. But Polis is colorful and inspiring and it also represents how both girls felt the first time they arrived to Polis. Arriving, seeing the towers, seeing all the goods, smelling the smells of the markets. It's also relatively optimistic because when Costia just arrived to Polis she thought she'd have forever by Lexa's side and that they could live together in what is essentially the center of their people's universe.

Volume 2 represents looking from the inside out. All of a sudden Costia is the leader. The girl who didn't even want people to know she was a Nightblood, who planned on dying on her first conclave, is residing in the Commander's quarters, as the Commander. It's like a gilded cage in a way. The tower represents the title, both of which are like traps for her. And the same can be said for Lexa. Once she's back she, too, is stuck on the inside looking out for quite some time (and then for the rest of time as she assumes her role as the Commander.) There are items that represent the past and present, and both Costia and Lexa. On the left there's the atlas and binoculars that are tied to Costia's history, but she gave them to Lexa and they're there to hint that maybe the owner will return to use them once more. And then on the right side there are the things that are Flame and ascension related, we had two ascensions in this story, and the test tubes with Nightblood represent the gene therapy, the change Costia was trying to bring, and also, what Abby used to pump into Lexa's veins as part of her resurrection. The headpiece, the one Nardo made, was Lexa's, then Costia used it, then she gave it back to Lexa once Lexa was back. The Flame itself isn't there on purpose. It's almost as if this captures the moment after it was put back in Lexa, but Titus' tools are.

Hope you liked the covers. Stunning work by Lesly-Oh who now also has a Redbubble page. I also put the original art on my Tumblr so you can hopefully zoom in. It deserves it.

Now for the actual conclusion.

I started posting this story shortly after Lexa's death, and I fantasized, but never really believed, that this story would carry us all the way through the end of season 3 **and** the hiatus, and indeed, I posted the last chapter very close to Christmas 2016, a day after the season 4 trailer was released, and six weeks away from its premiere.

First thing's first. You guys, I wrote so much of this while season three was still ongoing. Every episode we discovered something new and every episode meant adjusting this story so it could remain as close to canon as possible. I always wanted you to feel that this could become canon, and I think it still feels this way. If they wanted to go and do a spin-off about Lexa's past now, I feel like after minor adjustments (for example, ten novitiates instead of nine, to include both Luna and Costia,) volume 1 could've been it. If they wanted to, volume 2 could've been an alternative season 4. And even now, when seasons 4 and 5 are out there and things are changing, I do believe that if they wanted to, they could re-introduce Costia to the story in the future and she could be very similar and with a very similar history to the one we got to know and love.

I was trying to decide, when these ideas just started swirling in my head, whether to start this story with Costia's return to Polis as a mysterious character and do flashbacks all the time to parallel the present, or split it to two parts, past and future. At some point I realized the history I was finding for them was so elaborated, it needed its own story. Eventually, volume 1 ended up being the longest ever prologue in history for volume 2.

I wrote a post on my Tumblr when I just started the story. If you'll find it you'll see that I never **really** hid Lexa's return, or the fact that Costia wasn't dead.

I encourage you to go and read it, of course, but I will quote one thing from there, something I said repeatedly:

"As a writer, the moment something gets a name, it matters. Costia was never referred to by Lexa as "my lover." She had a name, she was real, she was Lexa's. I always thought she might still be stashed somewhere, because she mattered, but since that didn't seem to be the case, here we are. With a character who was special enough to be loved by someone like Lexa, with a character who was clearly with Lexa when Lexa was already a Commander. It takes a lot to be with a leader. I wanted to know who she was, why she was special, hopefully, you would, too."

And so getting to know Costia was one of the two big reasons I wrote this story. I think many suspected she was still alive when Lexa didn't want to talk about the 9th novitiate at her conclave. I know many hoped it would be Costia, I know I did. And then after all the emphasis on Costia's importance to Lexa, after Lexa's reluctance to talk about Costia **and** about the last novitiate, I had to make it happen when I realized the plot wasn't going that way.

The other big reason was bringing Lexa back to life, of course, in a way that felt truthful, and I felt that after everything we learned about the Flame, after everything that happened, there was such a golden opportunity there that could feel authentic but also not technically work for every single person, because that would cheapen it if absolutely everyone could do it. This way, we at least limit it to the Nightbloods, and then we limit it even further by noting the fact that Lexa still existed somewhere. I loved her like I haven't loved a character on TV in a very long time. I was so relieved when they didn't show her body being burned on the show. I thought it was a smart choice, I thought it would make sense that it would be one order that Roan wouldn't follow, and I thought it added to the general golden opportunity. As a story teller I felt like I was being awarded in the factors aligning in a perfect way that allowed me a resurrection that felt organic and I do hope you share that feeling.

We were also missing a Commander so I felt really strongly about bringing Costia into the mix. And then I started to discover who she was through that. I created her the background that would allow her to grow up and be who she was, which included, among many things, being the sort of person who knew enough about technology and Grounder life, and the blood, so she could, once she got the last puzzle piece about the Flame, recognize that there was an opportunity in that.

I was afraid of her being too perfect, so I was very happy to find along the way the many ways in which she was flawed. Honestly, there's no bigger compliment than you guys, avid Clexa lovers like myself, telling me that you get and accept why in this story Lexa would end up with Costia. It's not necessarily that she has chose Costia over Clarke. It's more that she re-committed herself, bittersweetly, to a choice, a lifelong commitment, that she made years before.

Which brings me to Clarke whom I love so deeply, and so do Lexa and Costia.

So often in a love triangle someone needs to become the villain to make a choice easier. But that's not Clarke. She's not petty. She's a self sacrificer. It's much more real, and much harder for everyone involved, when there's no bad guy, there are just bad circumstances, and actually, in many occasions that's what _The 100_ is about. Clarke was put time and again in a position in which she had to make a call that turned her into a villain in the eyes of many. So was Lexa back on the mountain. And Clarke very rarely puts herself first, and she cleared the way here, too. There are no absolute wins in the world of _The 100_ though, and that's very true here, as well. Costia and Lexa got each other, but it hurts them to know their togetherness hurts someone they care about. And Clarke may have lost her partner, but she was given a different thing, a sense of freedom. Where the end of the story leaves us, Clarke was very involved, but she was no longer, and possibly will never again be, in the position of the person who has to make the hard choice and become the villain. She doesn't have to be the one to pull the lever or flip the switch anymore. She has more than one person protecting her from that, and it means that if one day she does find happiness, she doesn't necessarily have to lose it or have it be stained.

All of that said, I do have thoughts about the 's a reason why there's so much talk about why sometimes the person you're with is a result of timing. Lexa specifically asked Costia if there's something going on between her and Clarke, and while now, at the ending point of the story there truly isn't, I think both Clarke and Costia will grow to realize, if they don't already do, that under different circumstance, in a different lifetime, or other timing, they might have ended up together. Each part of this love triangle is attracted to certain aspects in the other two parts. Right now, Costia needs Lexa's undivided love and attention, but the fog in Costia's head will clear at some point, and I wouldn't be surprised if Costia's relationship with Clarke will strengthen, to the point that Costia would bring up something neither Lexa nor Clarke ever would. Lexa wouldn't bring it up to not hurt Costia and Clarke wouldn't bring it up out of respect to Lexa and Costia's relationship. But in the society created on _the 100_ I'm not sure polyamory is an idea they'd shut down. Especially since Lexa, Costia, and Clarke too at this point, are their society's version of higher class (highest, actually.) It might take a few years, but I can see a healthy Costia who finds that she's in love with Clarke, too, coming to Clarke first, bringing up the offer of all of them being together, and then, once Clarke knows it's a genuine offer, and since at this point she's in love with Costia, too, they, together, will bring it up with Lexa who will see their united front as Costia's approval that it's not a trick, or a compromise, or something that Costia is doing just to make her happy. You'll have to forgive me for not writing that fic, but it's time for me to retire, hopefully from the fanfic world in general. I wrote a few pieces I'm so very proud of, that served more than one purpose, but I need my clear head in the future, and I need to stop spending 9 months on these things. Which is exactly why I thought it's better if I tell you that in my head, at least, the future of these characters is to all be together, that there will be a time that the conditions will truly allow for it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. Maybe Clarke will get her own promising tattoo to match Lexa and Costia's, but we're not there yet at the point in which **this** story ends.

In general, I tried to give to as many of the characters as possible some sort of closure, a chance of redemption and growth, etc. I mean, at the end, it were Raven and Octavia who saved the day.

And this brings me to the future of the story itself. If you want to help support this story, which would make me both grateful and happy of course, consider favoriting it. Consider leaving a review here or on goodreads if you feel inspired. That way more people who are interested in _The 100_ fanfiction will be exposed to it and see it has a decent amount of reviews/favorites.

As for where you can find me, I'm shokoshik on all places, Tumblr, twitter, instagram.

Or my website which is chendrachman com

As for other ways to tip your bards (i.e support the poor writer!) here's a way:

1\. Joini me in the efforts to turn my short script, _Ruth's_ , into a film. It's a not-for-profit project, we already raised some of the budget, and I was honored enough to have the script as official selection/finalist in a few festivals and do a live reading in NYC with Tovah Feldshuh. But we're far from being ready financially to produce it. So if you'd like to contribute, know that anything helps and that you'd get a producer's credit if you're into that sort of thing. Much more details, including about the plot, are linked on my website.

Thank you so much for sticking around, and being my chosen few. I wrote this story knowing I'm risking spending an extended amount of time on an unpopular ship, and it might just end up being me the last one standing, so I'm so humbled to have you guys as well on this finish line.

X

Chen


	75. De Seken is back!

Hello readers, old and new!

After nearly two years on Amazon's Kindle Worlds, De Seken is now back on-line! (As the program shut down.)

If you were among those who purchased copies, thank you so very much. All profits went towards helping producing my short film! (which is still in the making!)

Whether you read this story before and want to re-read, or are a new friend, welcome! I'm so glad you're here!

This ended up being so timely, what with all the Lexa references lately on the show and with the season (5) ending in two days. Trust me, I didn't plan this. Kindle worlds shut down on July 17th, I was out of the country until July 27th, and spent the last few days re-formatting this story for the re-upload.

As this is meant to resemble the annotated version that was sold on Amazon, it has many lengthy comments. Some full of spoilers to the story (when that's the case there's a warning). You don't have to read them unless you're a nerd like me. :)

I forgot how much I loved this story, until, of course, I was re-uploading chapters and took forever because I found myself reading whole chunks of it. To this day, I still think it's the best thing I've written and I truly hope you enjoy it.

Thank you and have a lovely weekend!

Chen


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